Bookends
by Bella'sExecutioner
Summary: AH/AU Edward and Bella are two lost souls in a sea of lost souls… but love conquers all. Right? Rated M for harsh language/Lemons/Slash/mature content/Drug Use. The story spans the lives of these characters.
1. Time it was

**Bookends By: Bella's Executioner.**

**Rating: M- this means if you're under 16 you are agreeing to break your own ToS by reading this and I'm not your mother so be responsible for yourself.**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is the sole owner of the world of Twilight. She is Bella's creator. I am Bella's Executioner.**

**A/N: Bookends is the very first fanfiction I started writing. It's been on this site, moved and come back. It has errors, fuck ups and lots of proofs that I'm human but it also has all of my heart and soul in it. I welcome you into this world of pain and love and hope that you enjoy. I also welcome your thoughts as you read—pm me or review and I'll be happy to discuss the story with you.**

**Chapter 1: Time it was**

**Bookends:**

**Time it was and what a time it was, it was.**

**A time of innocence a time of confidences.**

**Long ago it must be, I have a photograph**

**Preserve your memories, they're all that's left you.**

**- Paul Simon**

-**-Bookends-**-

**BPOV (2004, Victoria, British Columbia, Swan residence)**

It was dark. It was always dark.

I was lying in my bed wishing that I had paid better attention to my father's instructions on how to find the bathroom in the labyrinth of hallways in his ostentatious house. I hated this place. I hated having to spend three weeks here every summer.

My mother reminded me each year, on the way to the neutral exchange point, the McDonald's parking lot that was Switzerland for divorce families, that my father was just that—_my_ father. A fact so damn resolute that it made my heart heavy to accept it because I wished the words could make him everything he should be.

At least he made an effort to come down and pick us up. Or at least he used to. He used to come down to Port Angeles and pick us up, sit with us on the ferry ride over to Canada. Then one day he decided that was just a waste of his valuable time.

Lesson number one when you had Charlie Swan for a dad, don't count on him to take care of you.

I didn't mind it. I was pretty good at taking care of myself.

That was just me, Bella Swan, my mother's little eleven year old going on thirty. I'd be lying to say I lived a blissfully ignorant childhood. And that freaked me out. My friends couldn't have cared less about the adult world beyond high school. They cared very little for attention from their parents, unless it was to receive some prize they wanted more than self respect.

I was just not like all the other kids. And I wanted to stay that way. I didn't want these emotional upheavals that I faced now to eventually one day turn me into one of them.

I didn't want to be the girl getting shit-faced at parties and bursting out in tears at prom because she had daddy issues. I was only eleven. I shouldn't even be thinking and worrying about crap like that now. But I never got to be a kid. Nights like tonight were proof that I had lots of time on my hands to think. Or hope. I might not even be a teenager yet, but that didn't mean that in a few short years I wouldn't become that girl of violent outbursts and substances abuse issues if my dad didn't…

_What, Bella? Give you attention?_

I glared at the ceiling and ignored that voice inside my brain that challenged me. I liked to believe I had a good head on my shoulders and a strong mind inside that head, but my _father_ had this way of weaseling in to that head. He was like hemlock to my nervous system, a banana peel to my sure footing—a dagger to my heart.

I scowled in to the pitch-black room. _My_ room. I hated calling it that. It wasn't _my_ room. _My_ room was fire engine red and covered in posters from my favorite movies. _My_ room had all of _my_ stuff. _My_ room didn't smell like my grandmother bathed in her perfume while other old women sampled old lady smelling lotions in it.

_My_ room didn't make me feel scared when the lights went out.

I sighed and turned on the bedside lamp for the ninth time that night. I was giving the habit a name, lamp-isodes. They were those moments when I finally gave in. It was like tuning in to the latest sitcom of my tragic wussiness. I debated with myself that it was less creepy this time than the last. Lamp-isode number eight was a twenty-minute fear fest of 'was the closet door open that far before', and 'did I just see something move out of the corner of my eye'. I shoved the covers off of my legs. I was loath to do it because my father kept the house a toasty 55 degrees all year long, but I wanted to hug my knees to my chest. I was such a baby.

My brother always handled Dad's house with witty remarks and a sarcastic humor. Granted, he was two years older than me, and a guy, but I remembered him at my age and he wasn't so chicken that he had to sit with a light on all night.

I never liked sleeping at night anyway. Everything is quiet at night... peaceful. That's when I wanted to be awake.

But then I never liked the same things _normal _people liked anyway.

I liked clouds. Most people got depressed and crabby when it rained. I loved it. The sun was harsh—the light forced you to close your eyes. Every photographer knows that cloudy days make for the best colors in pictures—take a picture on a sunny day and all you get are overexposed shots with squinty-eyed people. My eyes squinted at the faint glow from the lamp.

I shuffled out of bed to my couch. I hated that my room was big enough for a couch. And a TV and a ginormous professional looking desk complete with a state of the art computer. I wasn't an ungrateful kid. I appreciated what I had in life. I was thankful for the roof over my head and the food in my stomach. But that stomach knotted at the thought of all this stuff. None of it was mine.

Sure, I picked out the red satin sheets on the four-poster bed. I selected the exact size of the couch with the built-in Lazy Boy. And I spent fifteen hours meticulously stenciling the henna inspired faux finish on the cream colored walls. But none of it belonged to me. My life at my dad's house was an eternal lay-away plan at the back of a Wal-mart.

Every smile that I gave, every new gadget that I talked him into buying me, was just some phony stand-in of what I would never get. I would give everything in this room back if I could have five minutes of honest acceptance and love from my dad.

_Goddamn daddy issues girl!_

It was stupid. My best friend—Alice Cullen—was a foster kid who had been in homes that were not much better than insane asylums. She had been tortured by people who kept her around just for a check every month. She had been beaten, electrocuted and _she_ met each day with a perky smile that was so sweet it was disgusting. And yet here I sat, wallowing in my stupid pettiness. How much more ridiculous could I get?

I rolled my eyes and turned on my 42 inch plasma flat screen. I scrolled through the various infomercials because I was simply too damn lazy to turn on my DVD player. I settled on the one about the natural beauty products. I was engrossed by the stories of women who were far more pretty than I in their before pictures. It was no comfort to hear them whine on and on about how their lives were so horrible before find this magic makeup.

_There was nothing in that black bag for me, Scarecrow_.

I flicked over to Cartoon Network and let the dull ache in my chest grow numb with the sweet Novocain of AdultSwim. Finally I found a new Frisky Dingo. It would only be eleven minutes out of the next six hours that I was forced to stay in this room—though the pee situation was going to require attention soon—but I would take it.

I chuckled at Killface's antics. And actually got a little choked up when he tried to talk to his son in a display of honest interest. "_Wimp_," I scolded. I must be starting my period. My emotions were usually shoved much further down, even when I was alone.

I stared out the window. My eyes had adjusted to the dark and I could see it was starting to drizzle on the small lake that made up most of the backyard. I couldn't wait to see the light start to diffuse behind the clouds and give way to the morning. Then I could finally get some sleep.

My mom hated that I slept so much of the day away when I wasn't going to school. I claimed it was because I was catching up on much needed rest. She, being the great and wonderful wizard of Oz, knew better. She actually confronted me about misplacing my anger for the daytime because I hated to interact with other people during the waking hours.

I wanted to deny it. I wasn't some depressed daddy issues chick...yet. But it was true. If you slept past ten you usually had the day to yourself. _God_. I was going to have to force my dad to pay for so much therapy when I got older.

The episode came to a close—Killface losing the presidential election to the entrepreneur rap mogul Jaquil—and I sighed again. I rested back on the couch and ignored the next five episodes of Robot Chicken. Somewhere between SheRah suffering from P.M.S. and Gumby being chopped into pieces in a wood chipper, I succumbed to sleep. It was dreamless. It was deep. And God willing it would be long enough to keep me from having to talk to my father when it ended.

-**-Bookends-**-

**EPOV (same time, Seattle, Masen residence)**

She straightened up from the kitchen table and nearly broke her neck. Drunks shouldn't wear kitten heels. Common fucking sense. I just leaned back against the sink and watched. I was through concerning myself with helping her. If she were really interested in help she would have paid the fuck attention to the past six months of rehab counseling.

I swallowed back the bile as she giggled in her inebriation and frenched the asshole at the door. I really hoped she got picked up tonight. Maybe I could anonymously tip off the cops to finding her. She hadn't even left – fuck, it wasn't even six o'clock yet- and she was already a walking parole violation.

My fingers inched toward the phone.

She slurred something in the general direction of the kitchen before she let the creep drag her drunken ass out of the house. I hadn't caught what she said, nor did it fucking bother me that I didn't know. I pulled the bag of chips I bought at school out of my backpack and headed up to my room.

I threw on my G'n'R CD and ignored the yipping dogs critique next door. I needed a little sympathy for the devil right now. The CD player emitted a high pitch whine at the end of each track and if I leaned too far in my chair the power cord would shake lose.

Only five more years and I'm out.

I pulled out my sketchpad- I was drowning in reds today. The music calmed my nerves while my emotions swirled on the paper in streams of scarlet edges. In the middle of the piece I drew an eye- green, almost sage seemed appropriate. I wouldn't mind seeing someone with eyes that were gentle like that right now.

I felt Jazz's presence in my room without hearing him enter. Fucking sixth sense- never gave me a rest. "You busy?" he begged.

_Ah to fucking be an only child._

He flopped down on the pile of clean clothes I kept under my window. I ignored him- pretty damn well despite his constant sighing. Life was a bitch. Period. His wasn't any more of a hell than mine. In fact he was younger so he didn't have the memories and scars from our late great father's, Ed Sr., love of a leather belt and bottle of whisky. I did.

One of the scars in question itched. The big one on my side. I actually liked that one. It was deep enough that I got to go the hospital for like a week. And brutal enough that CPS had dragged his ass out of the home for a solid month. But like all good things it closed up and healed over. Then my shitty life just kept flowing.

"What…" I groaned, still not looking at my annoying younger brother. I didn't have to look to know what I would see.

Jazz was the complete opposite of me. I looked just like Edward Sr. I had bronze, almost rusty-red hair. My brown eyes were just as round as his. My nose was long and thin and perfectly straight just as his had been before that bar brawl in '98. And when it came to our, gag me, mother- Tanya, was there ever a more trailer park sounding name than _Tanya_- I even had a little of her in me too. She was in my delicate wrists and tall frame. That crooked smile that got her so much work at the club could be found on my face when I was moved to smiling without thinking.

But Jazz looked nothing like any of us. Okay, I admit he had that smile too. But the dirty blond hair and tan complexion was hard to ignore next to our dark heads and pale faces. Lets just say we all knew that though good 'ole Ed was still around when Jazz was born but he wasn't exactly around when he was conceived.

That brown haired bitch would take the identity of his real father to her grave- preferably soon. Though I was sure she was tweaked off her ass so hard back then that she probably was surprised to find out she was having sex. I was always just grateful for the miracle that Jazz didn't turn out fucked up because of her severe drug use while she was pregnant.

So the difference in our appearance was just the obvious divide between us. But the other differences were what really pissed me off. Jazz was always hopeful- Ed hadn't got the chance to beat that out of him before he died- while I was the embodiment of bitter. He was open, I was closed. He was young, I was a middle-aged thirteen year old.

"You ever think about them?" Jazz whispered. My hand unconsciously picked up the green pencil for the red and my sketch magically changed from rage to peace. Yeah, I thought about _them_... all of the time. Never changed anything.

"Doesn't matter." I said flatly. My hand curved the green ribbon in to the shape of tiny hands. Pain in the ass little brother. I launched the sketchpad across the room- hitting Jazz in the arm.

"Hey!" he yelped. Served him right. He wanted to bring up painful shit- then the little fucker could hurt right along with me.

"Got what you deserve, shit head," I retorted. He shrugged and held my picture out to inspect it. His eyes were so sad. I knew what he was thinking. He missed the girls. He missed the sanctuary of Forks. He just wanted to fucking talk about it with a normal person and all he had was me.

_Fuck it._

"Fuckit," I said, glaring at him. "What are you thinking about?" It was a loaded question. I was sensitive to appearances and thoughts. I could read people pretty well- it helped keep you alive in the shit-ass world we lived in. But Jazz, like usual, was the polar opposite. Jazz was affected by moods and emotional energy. I was tense when I couldn't understand what someone was thinking. Jazz was tense just because there was tension in the room.

So, what Jazz thought about was finding a calm place to be. But more importantly, Jazz thought about what would happen when I finally got out of this shit hole and left him behind. Call it our constant white fucking elephant just sitting on my fucking chest whenever my brother was like this.

He lifted his face and it was all youthful and goofy. "What do you think they're doing right now?" he asked. Ah, this was a game I remembered well. It got us through the abusive boyfriend phase. We would imagine ourselves out of this life and into one that seemed better. It was really fucking easy to do.

"It's June," I said, folding my right leg under my left as I kicked the side of my bed. "Bella's at her dad's house for another two weeks. And," I paused to glare at my little brother through my lashes. "Alice..." He stiffened at the sound of her name. "Well, she's getting ready for the fall fashion tour."

Jazz nodded his head. That little smile that proved we were brothers dancing around his lips. "_I_ was just referring to the Cullens."

_Fucking Christ!_

I closed my eyes as the blush worked its way up my neck and painted my cheeks. "I didn't realize you were so interested in the schedule of one _Bella_..." He paused to return the glare that I had sent him over Alice. "Swan, wasn't it?"

"Get the fuck out," I spat at him.

"Touchy." He threw his hands up in defense. He laughed once and then his face got all sad again and his eyes were soft. "Look, I'm cool talking about Alice if you ever want to talk about Bella." The punk was two years younger than me. He had no right to be so goddamn _cool_ about anything.

And at any rate, there was nothing to talk about when it came to that rich man's daughter who was always too nice to everyone. I only knew what she was doing because she wrote me letters like I was some twelve-year-old BFF. She was annoying and pathetic and _private_... not someone I wanted to talk about.

"Bella sent me her weekly update." I held up the folded letter that I had tucked in my pocket. I rolled my eyes in a look that I hoped was too casual for words. "Before you ask, your precious fucking little pixie bitch was not mentioned." I smirked at the way Jazz's face fell. "Like I said, she's at her dad's." My mouth constricted around the last word. I hated calling the man that. He was just some guardian that gave her room and board every summer.

I hated getting the letters from her when she was with him too. There was an edgy sarcasm to them that was not like the playful wit that she usually employed. She was sad when she was around him. It made me want to punch the motherfucker in the face. She was the one person who should always have a smile on her face. I came out of my reverie with Jazz staring at me with raised eyebrows. That smirk was smack dab in the middle of his face. I growled.

I might not be able to punch the guy I wanted to, but some motherfucker's nose was getting bloody tonight.


	2. What a time it was

**Bookends By: Bella's Executioner.**

**Rating: M- this means if you're under 16 you are agreeing to break your own ToS by reading this and I'm not your mother so be responsible for yourself.**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is the sole owner of the world of Twilight. She is Bella's creator. I am Bella's Executioner.**

**A/N: Bookends is the very first fanfiction I started writing. It's been on this site, moved and come back. It has errors, fuck ups and lots of proofs that I'm human but it also has all of my heart and soul in it. I welcome you into this world of pain and love and hope that you enjoy. I also welcome your thoughts as you read—pm me or review and I'll be happy to discuss the story with you.**

**Chapter 2: What a time it was**

-**-Bookends-**-

**BPOV **

I was staring off in to space again.

It was better than seeing the bleached roots of my, _gag me_, step mother. _My father's wife-_ that had a better ring to it.

I was only on day fifteen of my twenty one day sentence in "Folsom". My father's wife son, Renesmee, _don't ask me how that was a boy's name, let alone a name at all_, was bobbing his head to the travesty that he called music and was making me queasy. He was such a little prick. He went by Runny for short.

_Yeah, 'cause that makes you sound more manly_. I thought.

I focused on my three remaining squares of shredded wheat and didn't try to hide my grimace. Freakin' alarm clock. Bet the middle aged Barbie set it just to piss me off. Her make up was so caked around her crow's feet that it cracked when she fabricated happiness at seeing me enjoy my breakfast. I slopped all three squares in my mouth at once and tried not to suffocate as I rushed to finish.

I wouldn't have gotten up. I wouldn't have bothered to come into the kitchen. But I thought there was no earthly reason why people would be up at 7 am on a Saturday. Enter the Spunky-Brewster twins.

I shoved away from the table and poured the rest of my milk down the sink. _It_ was going on and on about her day and I was wondering how hard it would be to shove my spoon in my ear. I actually had the bowl of the utensil against my lobe when I heard my dad come in the room.

I dropped the silver, probably actual silver, spoon in to the Greek porcelain basin. It landed with a clink to the tune of a couple thousand dollars worth of sealant scratching. I didn't bat an eye. I turned to find my father masking his grimace with a smile to Joan Crawford. Funny, if I hadn't heard the scrape of silver on the outlandishly priced ceramic tile work, I would have thought that was just his regular smile. It certainly was the only one he ever graced me with.

"Good morning," he glanced at me awkwardly, pausing to find the right endearment. Finally I looked away and he settled on, "sweetie." Nice. Eleven years and all he could do was greet me like I was some random kid he was forced to acknowledge on the street.

I kicked myself as I fled from the room. There was only one place I wanted to be- well two places really, but only one that I was allowed to go to. I was blushing in fury and seriously considering finding some way to abuse sleeping pills for the next five nights. Maybe I had some old cough syrup in the bathroom.

By the time I hit his room the tears were flowing. And I wasn't a pretty crier. Snot ran down to my upper lip and my cheeks were puffy and red. I didn't bother to knock. My brother and I were not shy around each other.

He was still gloriously passed out on his king sized chocolate clad bed. I just stumbled to the leather couch and hugged my knees to my chest. I buried my face in my Garfield covered pajama pants. I sighed, trying to just inhale and exhale. I rested my cheek on my bent knee and stared out at the lake.

The morning sun cast a golden glow behind the thin clouds. There were birds floating on the water. The rain had stopped.

_Perfect. Six more days and no more rain._ _Bet it would be all bright and sunny too._ _Guess now Renee and I go like totally hang at the mall_, I thought sarcastically. Another silent tear slipped down my cheek.

"Well, get you ass over here already," a grumbly voice muttered in a sleepy haze. I smiled wide at the sound of my big brother's voice. I had a lot of stuffed animals growing up- okay I owned a lot of them now. But the _best_ teddy bear in the world was Emmett.

He was probably the biggest thirteen year old you ever saw but not in that awkward goofy teenage guy kind of way. Emmett was muscular and lean and huge. His dark curly hair was cropped short this season- football practice had started and all. His chest rumbled and he didn't bother to open his eyes as I fought with my height deficiency to get on the bed.

I landed with a flop, not intentional, and the air whooshed out of my lungs. Em threw a scowl at me with one eye. Then his annoyance melted away as he opened both eyes to examine my face.

"What did that bitch do now?" he all but bellowed. This is where my brother and I differed. _That bitch_ was two different people to us. For him it was Renee, for me it was our father.

He, being the all-state-ball player and champion, garnered loads of attention and admiration from my father all of the time. They always had something to talk about and dad was usually eager to test that theory. There was plenty of strain in the relationship too, just not quite the 'sweetie' kind that I dealt with.

Em abhorred Renee- our step... _father's wife_. Don't get me wrong, I hated her too. Maybe even more than my father in some ways. See all that attention that Em got for being a boy from dad, I got for being a girl with dear 'ol Renee. Mall was a four letter word that I carried mace to ward off because I had suffered thorough one too many trips with her and Runny. Em detested the way she treated me but he mostly just detested her. He hated empty headed blonds.

I couldn't fault him on the logic, but she wasn't the source of my pain this weekend. I was crazy and stupid and I just couldn't explain it. This trip to Victoria just seemed too hormonal. I was hyper sensitive to usual crap that I thought I was pretty good at suppressing. I didn't feel like turning into the couch-confessioner quite yet. So I changed the subject, diversionary tactic style.

"Alice sent me an email with some of the samples of the fall line."

The burly bear finally woke up at the mention of high fashion. I covered my giggle in a cough.

"Any Armani?" Was he actually drooling…

I shook my head. "Don't know. It's like you going over baseball stats and Mike spewing car names. It's all Greek to me." I shrugged my shoulders. He huffed and loped out of bed to turn on his computer. I was glad that clothes made him so easily drop the S.I. but those raging female hormones were making me teary eyed at the thought that yet another person was okay with ignoring my pain.

"On your hotmail?" he asked scratching his butt and letting out a giant burp. _What a catch!_

"Yah," I offered through tight lips.

"Oh, and Bells," he typed my email address in and I wondered if it should bother me that my brother could fraud my identity so effortlessly.

"Yah?"

"You _ARE_ going to tell me what's up."

_Crap_.

"Oh?"

_That's it stupid. Cry for two weeks straight that you hate being ignored and then play dumb when someone finally pays you some attention_.

The look that I got in the reflection of his giant back window said the same thing in Em language.

"I dunno…" I mumbled under my breath. I picked at the fading orange kitty on my thigh. Em tapped his index finger on the keys of his keyboard. Just annoying enough to make me feel like I owed Trebek my answer in the form of a question.

"I'm just jonesing for home. It's stupid… It's a girl thing." That should do it.

I looked up in time to see Em shaking his head with a shiver running down his back. Nothing stopped a guy from talking to you faster than the hint of 'girl' things. The only thing quicker would have been to just blurt out tampon or vagina. He was totally enraptured with the pics of Alice modeling the new _Cullenista _line of clothes in the next breath.

Alice was the youngest designer on the west coast. _Cullenista _had been getting attention on the world market and she was selected to show at New York fashion week for the last two years in a row. This year she was to be featured in a fall junior's campaign for major retail stores that would include the current 'It' designers. And that was where my fashion knowledge ran out. My brother was the apparel linguist. I could tell you if I thought it looked cute… but then I was wearing five dollar cartoon pants while Em slept in fifty dollar designer silk boxers.

I liked all of the looks she sent me this time. They were part of her "Perfect Little Pixie" line. I snickered at the name. It was no secret that her four foot ten inch stature made her an oddity in the world of grown-upns, but the nick name _Pixie_ was not an endearment to her. It was a seemingly nice way to call her short. And the guy who coined the phrase never said it as nice as _perfect little pixie_.

I laughed harder as I came to peek around Em's shoulder. Alice's adopted cousin, Edward Masen, was anything but nice when he made fun of her. I believe she was the "fucking little pixie bitch" to be exact. Em looked down at me with a cocked eyebrow. I shrugged. Edward had a way of making me smile even when he wasn't around.

And then that thought made me smile wider. It had been exactly five days since I sent my last note to him. That meant it was my turn to get some mail.

I bolted out of the room with a burst of energy that I hadn't experienced since the last Edward-mail day. I ran down the two flights of stairs and through the winding hallway that ran through the two formal dinning rooms and foyer. I was practically vibrating when I reached the mail cache to the left of the front door.

I don't know why I always felt so possessed to write to Edward. We weren't particularly close when he came to visit during the Christmas holidays. In fact, I think in person we had maybe spoken five words to each other our entire lives. But I never had a problem talking to him on paper.

He was like this safe outlet for me...Or at least, I sent him stuff and he didn't reject it— he returned suit and sent me mail right back.

I discarded ninety percent of the massive pile of letters since this was not my house and the correspondence that was received here was not my concern. I noted a rather weighty envelope addressed to Charles Swan and Family with my grandmother's return address in the corner. One of the elites must be sucking the soul of another innocent in a matrimonial sacrifice. I had few cousins—and I wasn't close to any of them.

Finally, I found it. A small postcard sized piece of paper with a dizzying array of green and red swirls all over it. I hugged the picture to my chest and ran back up to Em's room. He was still playing on line when I jumped on to the couch to reverently appraise my latest piece of mail.

For the last three years I had diligently sent Edward a letter that summed up the highlights of my week. A weekly update seemed reasonable to me. Months were too long to remember the important things as they usually became unimportant over enough time. And daily letters were beyond pathetic even for me. So I decided he should hear about my mundane, silly life once a week.

It had made him smile when he was around me in person to just sit and listen to me twitter on about nothing. And I loved that someone was willing to at least just sit there and hear me. So I had hoped that the letters would be well received. I settled on letters since I knew Edward didn't have access to email all that often and there was a distance in snail mail that could help settle my nerves over putting so much of myself out there for someone to reject.

The anxiety over the first correspondence had given me the craps so bad that I had to miss five days of school. On the fifth day I finally found peace of mind. Five days exactly from the one when his letter left me, I got a reply.

I don't know what I was expecting. Edward was a smart guy—two years older than me. He read everything. He was funny. He was introverted. He had an angry streak in him that made people afraid to be around him. I wasn't expecting sonnets to arrive in the post that had been composed just for me, but what I got was not something I would have expected.

Edward was a private artist. He sketched his moods and his thoughts but only in the privacy of his own room and only for his own serenity. I had been privileged enough to watch him draw on many occasions when he stayed at Alice's house in the winter. But I'd never been allowed to see any of his work.

I reverently ran my fingers over red circles and green ribbons on my postcard. I smiled remembering the first picture I got. It was an apple. No note. No words. Just a red, perfect shiny apple with our addresses and names on the back side of the page. I had accepted the apple with a hell of a lot of pride. Edward was hard to get along with—even for me. But that little red apple spoke more than any amount of useless words.

So I kept sending him my nauseatingly detailed accounts of book reports and movie nights. And he continued to reply with his abstract conceptions of the crap in his life.

I could tell by the deep grooves of the red lines that he was angry. That made me angry. His mother was on my most hated list just above the two poser parental units that were downstairs in this house.

In juxtaposition to the scarlet hatred, the light green colored lines were so soft and gentle. I smiled as I fingered the giant green eye in the center of the page. It was my eye. The color was too hard to miss. Green, light as sage, with golden amber hints reflecting around the edges. I didn't know exactly what it meant but I imagined it _could_ mean that thinking of me was a soothing thing rather than a frustrating thing.

"God, he's still sending you those?" Em was rifling through his drawers to change. I flashed a big goofy grin as I nodded. He chuckled. It was just as silly and stupid as my weird emotional breakdowns in this house, but my success with Edward was validated each time I got one of these postcards. It made me happy. I didn't know why it meant so much to me that he was willing to take time to mail these every week but it did.

"Fucking freak." Em whispered.

Anger flared so sharp in me that I actually balled my fist like I thought I could get a hit in on my massive big brother's face.

"HE IS NOT!" I shrieked. The room was red and so was my face. I felt a kinship or a bond with Edward that I didn't have to share with anyone else. It was my own… private. And it made me very protective of him.

"Take it back Em!" I scolded. "_YOU_ don't get to judge anyone!"

My pointed glare shut him up and he huffed out of the room. Tears of rage were flowing down my cheeks. I was sorry to throw that back in his face—I carried a lot of secrets about the guys in my life and it wasn't fair to use it against him. But Em didn't know what kind of hell Edward lived in. I did.

I touched the corner of the card where the red pulled back to look like flames and scowled.


	3. Time of Innocence

**Bookends By: Bella's Executioner.**

**Rating: M- this means if you're under 16 you are agreeing to break your own ToS by reading this and I'm not your mother so be responsible for yourself.**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is the sole owner of the world of Twilight. She is Bella's creator. I am Bella's Executioner.**

**A/N: Bookends is the very first fanfiction I started writing. It's been on this site, moved and come back. It has errors, fuck ups and lots of proofs that I'm human but it also has all of my heart and soul in it. I welcome you into this world of pain and love and hope that you enjoy. I also welcome your thoughts as you read—pm me or review and I'll be happy to discuss the story with you.**

**Chapter 3: A Time of Innocence**

-**-Bookends-**-

**EPOV (Seattle)**

I was probably the only thirteen-year-old guy who pined for school.

This tiny apartment was starting to smell. I buried my face in my pillow again and prayed for a fast suffocation. Death would be better than living here.

Who knew that my hopes of Tanya getting arrested would come to fruition? And who knew that it would've been anything but good news when she was gone. But then when your only remaining legal guardian is fucked enough in the head to scream about her poor baby boys at home while she was resisting arrest there isn't much hope that CPS won't come out to investigate.

I sighed. I'd been sleeping on the couch for the last four nights, each night I did the same damn thing. I would try to escape in to the oblivion of dreams only to get lightheaded from the god awful stench and frustrated by my mind. Then I, just like I had four other times this week, would look at the clock to see that it was exactly midnight while I went out on to the fire escape to clear my head.

Seattle wasn't the worst city in the world to live in, but the parts that I had lived in were not the most desirable. It had only taken two hours. Two hours from when that shit for brains of a mother stumbled out of the house to when Jazz and I were relocated in to foster care.

Who knew the system could work that fast? If there was a rapist out on the streets it would take years for them to find him and lock his ass up.

It wasn't like we would have to go to an orphanage in the country or anything, but we didn't have to be here either. We had family, even an upstanding member of the medical community, who would take us in without a word. But I didn't want to force us on him.

My uncle Carlisle had bailed us out more than once in our lives. It felt like a burden to even think about him right now. If only my mother could clean her damn ass up.

If only I could just take Jazz away and support the two of us on our own.

But running away wasn't my thing. I couldn't risk Jazz and me being separate permanently. So we ended up here. In the rundown disgustingly odorus one room apartment of the Jones family. I highly doubted the validity of that last word. Mr. and Mrs. Jones hardly spoke to each other- unless it was for Mr. Jones to belittle his shrinking wife. And their one child spent his whole day playing with a kid down the hall.

I sighed again as the crisp night air pushed the threat of drowsiness away from my eyes. I shouldn't be putting us through this. I was lucky as shit that the court didn't split us up. This was only Jazz's second stint in custody so he didn't understand what a palace this shit hole was. And I should have said something at the social worker's office when she asked if there was anyone we could go to. But the shame was just too fresh.

Sure I knew that eventually, if those in the system were doing their damn job, they would locate Carlisle and decide to send us to him. But that was just my half assed excuse for not speaking up sooner. The truth was that I didn't want to look my uncle in the eyes one more time over the shit in my life.

My mom's brother was probably the most compassionate guy you could ever hope to meet. Fucking bleeding heart. But after the last time he took us in, I swore I wouldn't be a burden to Carlisle anymore.

Jazz couldn't remember a time before our winter breaks in Forks. Little prick had it easy. But I could remeber.

I could remember back to when Ed and Tanya Masen were rich-part of that better slice of life on the other side of the train tracks. I could remember when Uncle Carlisle took out a loan through dear old dad to finish med school. And with just as much clarity I could remember the car accident that ended my father's career as the top plastic surgeon in the Pacific Northwest.

I snuck the cigarette I lifted from Mr. Jones briefcase out and lit it. My mother once lectured me on the ills of under aged smoking. Like I gave a flying fuck what she had to say about that. If a cigarette was the worst thing I put in my mouth at the age of thirteen, it was still a far cry better than the shit she used to plow between her teeth when she was young.

My father might have been rich when he met her, but she was far from a socialite in her youth. Maybe it was because she and Carlisle were from slums that made this place look like a castle. And maybe it was because Grandpa Jack used to make her feel like the worthless shit beneath his feet. But my mother's talents were acquired at a very young age.

Strip clubs, back seat hand jobs, anything to score some shit and escape this life. Uncle Carlisle tolerated her because she was family. I could sympathize with that. But he made something of himself in spite of it all. All she ever did was take and move on.

Fuck, Carlisle shipped her ass off to live with the Masens when she was still a kid. Worst damn decision he ever made really. Ed Masen and Tanya Cullen should never have met.

I wouldn't be here now if uncle Carlisle had just found a place for Tanya in Forks.

I sneered as I blew a long stream of smoke into the chilly darkness. It looked like it was going to rain- wonder why that thought comforted me. I never really gave a shit about the weather.

I never really gave a shit about anything. Most of the world didn't impress me. I had lived in a two-story mansion and rode in the back seat of a black Lexus for the first five years of my life. And I had lived through terror filled nights of hearing my mother get beat so hard she couldn't move the next day.

I wasn't some pussy who wanted to wallow in that shit. I was just numb.

A raindrop hit the end of my cigarette and I scowled. I put it out before I had to wrestle with Mother Nature- seemed even the environment had an opinion on my delinquent habits. My hands were nervous without something to keep them busy.

We didn't get to bring much with us on our way across town the other night. I didn't have a chance to grab my sketchpad. It was killing me to have to deal with this shit in my head and not on paper. I closed my eyes and breathed in the smell of fresh rain. It was soothing. Like a lullaby. Like the sounds of a soft giggle.

I hummed a melody that I had been composing for a few years. I was musically inclined too, total case of social deficiency. I hadn't even thought of that piece in months. Behind my eyelids I could see the music's muse.

She was younger than she was now- younger than she was when I last saw her. But those eyes never changed. So open. So peaceful. So _green_.

I could almost smell her delicate scent- heather and rain. I could almost hear her soft voice humming along. She was always off pitch but it was sweet music to my ears. Suddenly that crooked smile that I tried to hide was spreading across my face. I could see her sleeping with her hands folded under her cheek. Her little lips were parted and her breath was even. And those magic eyes were dancing behind closed, pale, pink lids.

I opened my eyes with a sigh. My smile grew tight as I thought of her. Jazz's favorite game- what was she doing right now. It was her second to last night at that moron's house. She would be sitting up watching cartoons. She'd be trying to convince herself that there was no such thing as ghosts.

And she'd be fucking crying because in nearly three years this was the first day I let her hopes down.

My first instinct was defense.

I never promised her anything. I never wanted her to fucking write me her notes in the first place. I only sent the apple picture out of pity.

But then as I thought of that first reply to her first letter that defense was weakened.

I was anxious for her to respond. The apple was one of my favorites. It was one of the few things I could sketch well. And I had drawn it in response to a very happy memory.

She probably didn't remember it. No one but me probably even noticed it back then. But the first time I met Bella, she gave me an apple. It was years ago... five years ago to be exact. We'd been placed in an orphanage in Canada when mother dearest was caught trying to buy drugs across the border with us in the car.

Naturally, uncle Carlisle had picked us up, and brought us back to Forks to stay with him.

I remember feeling the anger and fear building inside of me on the entire ride to his house. Part of me wished he'd tell us that he was going to keep us. He'd adopted a little girl from the orphanage the day he picked us up. I remember wishing he'd just announce that all three of us got to stay.

But he didn't.

I wasn't overly familiar with Forks, or any of the residents of the town prior to that winter. I'd only visited his house in Forks a handful of times before that day. And it had always been with my parents. The house to the right was always dark and empty when we visited.

The Swan kids visited their father in Victoria for holidays so they were just people my cousin talked about- I'd never laid eyes on Emmett and Bella Swan before that night.

I remember practically choking on rage when I got out of the car. Carlisle promised that we wouldn't have to stay in Forks long. That wasn't music to my ears. I was such an angry kid- was still a very angry kid when it came to the lack of control I had over what happened to my brother and me.

I was ready to just punch something-destroy something just for the sake of releasing some of the shit storm inside of me.

That all melted away when I saw her.

Bella.

She was just standing there on the porch, hiding behind her mom. I didn't want to break shit while Bella was around. I actually felt... oddly at peace just standing near her.

She gave me an apple when she visited the next morning. She actually brought over a basket full of them, but she made a point to lay one in front of me at the kitchen table.

That postcard was of my favorite memory. I didn't get to stay in Forks, but for a minute I felt like I was welcomed.

It was a little nerve racking to hope that she didn't find it stupid. I remember growing desperate to have more of her rambling explanations sent just to me. And when I got her second note I became entirely dependent on Bella's quiet persistence.

I thought about all of the personal pictures that I mailed to her without so much as a second thought and that defense mechanism was disabled entirely.

_Fuck_. I'd let her down.

This was going to hurt worse than dealing with my shit ass living situation. I didn't want to feel it. I shoved my self back through the tiny window and pulled a paper tower off the roll in the kitchen. I could hear Jazz snoring in the corner as I sat back on the couch. Fucker could sleep anywhere anytime. I found a discarded pen on the coffee table and gripped it with a fury. My hands and eyes were moving faster than my neural processors. The towel grew moist in scattered tiny circles as my tears fell silently.

My heart, that fucking numb part of my chest that I usually ignored, felt like someone was squeezing it tight.

I wanted to run down to the post office and FedEx this shit over night to her. I wanted someone to make an act of congress that said this was the most important piece of mail that would ever be delivered. I should have just spoke up and gone to stay with Carlisle so that I could have access to stamps. I should have dropped two pictures in the mail for the last two months just in case.

A tortured sob tore from my chest and my free hand crumbled the drawing in to a big wad. I threw the pen on the floor and pulled my knees up to my chest.

I slapped my forehead against my knees to stop the tears. I was crying for more than just her hurt feelings now, but her peace of mind was so tangled with my own by this point that there was fresh guilt to pepper the pain too. This was the hard-core shit that was going to tear my sanity from my mind. This was the toxic sludge that made my soul so fucking black. This was every bruise on my back and every slap in my face. Ever broken arm and every time I stood up for my mom.

This was watching my dad's body go into the earth and feeling guilty for enjoying the sight.

And this, of course, was the moment that the little prick stirred in his sleep.

"You okay?" he whispered from the darkness. I clutched my arms tighter around my knees and clenched my eyes shut.

"FUCK OFF!" I spat through shaking lips. My breaths were ragged and I felt like I was gonna hurl. I could hear Jazz getting up. Then nothing. He must be standing there watching his pussy big brother have his breakdown- probably a little scared shitless over the sight. The thought made a hollow laugh reverberate in my chest. If I had a nickel for everything that scared me shitless...

"Do you know the number..." I heard Jazz say from far away. I looked up to see him talking on a cell phone in the kitchen. "Okay thanks, Al."

He hung up the phone and dialed a new number before returning his eyes to me. The look on my face actually made him jump.

"Dude calm down!" he said throwing his arms up and backing away. I glared at the phone since I knew he didn't have one.

"It's the old man's. I lifted it when you took the smokes." He shrugged and walked over to me with a determination on his face that I didn't appreciate. I was trying to get through my first total nervous breakdown and I would have preferred to not deal with his shit ass interruptions.

"Here," he said handing me the phone. I didn't have to ask who he was talking to- there was only one Al in Jazz's life. And I had a fairly good guess whose number was blinking back at me on the green glowing screen of the Nokia that was suddenly in my face.

_Little prick_.

"You know she's not sleeping."

I glared at the phone and then back up at him. I didn't like anyone, least of all my pissant baby brother, thinking they knew her just as well as I did. But the little cursor that disappeared and reappeared in a hypnotic rhythm was undermining my badassness. I was tired of being the tough guy right now. And just the hope of the sound of her voice was making me all menstrual and weepy.

I made a manly show of shoving him out of my way as I took the phone from him. I went back out to sit on the fire escape again and hit send.

I cringed with each dull buzz- it sounded like the phone was screaming in my ears. Maybe I was just sensitive to the sound because this was a stolen phone. Maybe it had to do with the fact that my tears were still rolling down my cheeks. And maybe it was because I was terrified of talking to her if she answered.

There was a good fifteen second lull where I was listening to the rings in the receiver and having a debate with myself that was fucking life altering. On the one hand was the hope that she didn't pick up. That way I could have some clean anger to help crust over this open wound. It would be so much damn easier to just go back to being pissed off. But then on the other hand was that desperation that was in the pit of my stomach to connect with her. It was the most intense fucking moment of my life. Each ring was met with baited breath.

Then on the fifth ring... "Hello?" Her voice was muffled and raspy.

_Shit, she was asleep_. I sat there like a cod opening and closing my mouth with no sound. _Dumbass_.

"Who is this?" God her voice was as sweet as candy. "Not funny Em," she grumbled. I laughed at that. I could imagine the wrinkles in her little brow when she scolded her mountain of a big brother.

"Edward?" ahe whispered. My breath caught and I nearly shit myself.

_Holy Fuck_! _She recognized my laugh- over the phone_.

"Yeah," I said like the dumbass that I was. _Yeah?_ I've never called her before, barely spoke to her in person when I had the chance and all I could say when waking her up at one in the morning was _yeah_. I tried to move my lips again. Yeah, that was all I _could _say.

"Wow," she said, sounding a little like I felt.

I was kicking my own ass inside my head for not saying... something... anything. My brain to mouth synapses must have been fried in the emotional surge because there was plenty I wanted to say. I wanted to tell her about my shitty week. Hell, I wanted to give her nauseating detail about my entire fucked up life. I wanted to describe the way Jazz cooed at _Al_ on the phone and hear her laugh. Fuck, I just wanted to say anything that would make her laugh. And I wanted to tell her I was sorry that she didn't get anything in the mail today- most of all I wanted to convey to her just how very sorry I was about that.

But I couldn't make my mouth say any of it.

"Are you okay?" She sounded genuinely worried about me.

_Fuck_. No one ever had that much concern in their voice when they asked me that- except maybe Carlisle. _Fuck_. Carlisle. Jazz had talked to Alice. We'd be moving to Forks by the end of the day. I shook my head and tried to focus on making my body answer her.

First, my brain processed the question. Was I okay? That was simple- she was there and I was here- no, there was nothing okay with that. Then, my lips parted and I nearly blew a fucking blood vessel to make sound leave my throat.

"No," I strangled out. She breathed an 'oh' and then there was silence. I picked at the crud on the hem of my jeans. I wanted the anger to come. How dare she pity me and not keep this conversation going with her mindless chatter. But the anger didn't come and there was just more pain.

"Sorry," I finally said unconsciously. And then I could hear why she wasn't speaking. Her little voice cracked and her breath hitched. She was crying.

It fucking broke my heart.

"Come home," was all she said. Her voice was tight and she sniffed as I nodded my head in agreement. Whether he came to get us or I had to just start walking when the sun came up I was going back to Carlisle in Forks today.

I just couldn't let her down again.

We stayed on the phone with each other for another hour. I never spoke and she would only say an occasional 'are you still there?' but it was nice. I could hear her breath flow in and out of my ear. I could imagine the smell of heather mixed with the now down pouring rain.

I told her goodbye when the banging came at the door. Carlisle must have chartered a helicopter to get here so fast. Strike that... his jet was probably always on stand-by.

Bella giggled when I told her I was on a stolen phone. Maybe it was a sign that puberty was finally affecting me but the sound of her feminine laugh made me feel all goofy like I wanted to do something stupid to have her giggle some more.

I hung up the phone, erased the memory of all calls and numbers dialed, and slid it back into Mr. Jones briefcase without being noticed. I didn't have anything to take with me so I slapped Jazz on the shoulder and we met our uncle at the door. He was there with two cops and the social worker- who was wearing her hair in sponge rollers and a big fluffy pink bathrobe.

You had to fucking love Carlisle.

Tenacity was a Cullen trait- so I guess Jazz and I did belong to the family. And the look in Carlisle's eyes was beyond tenacious.

"I believe you'll find that I am the legal guardian of these boys. I am their next of kin and am fully ready and willing to take them home with me right now." Carlisle waited for Mr. Jones to wake up enough to process his declaration. He shot me a glance and winked with a crooked smile of smugness.

_Definitely related_.

We were whisked away to the tarmac in less than twenty minutes. Carlisle kept insisting that we could stop by Tanya's house and collect our things but Jazz and I burst out laughing at the thought that we wanted any of that shit. Carlisle was snickering as he led us to the small private jet that waited for us in the early morning light.

One more reason to love the fucker, Carlisle could fly. This was his personal jet that he bought when he took up flying for something to do in his free time. On anyone else that would have looked fucking pretentious. On Carlisle it was just really fucking cool.

Alice was waiting for us when we got in to the cabin. Her hair was even shorter than before and stuck up in medusa like spikes all around her head.

"Hey squirt," I said when she threw her tiny arms around me. Alice was too damn happy for me to stand most of the time. For right now I was okay with the sugar coated PDA. Family was family I supposed.

She wasn't really our cousin- she was the girl Carlisle adopted all those years ago. Alice had been a hardcore orphan for most of her life and she was like a fucking moth to our flame from the moment she met us. Carlisle refused to leave her behind and was her father ever since.

I noticed that her brother, Jacob, wasn't along for the ride.

"High school boys and their hobbies," was all she offered. She bounced out of my arms and into the waiting ones behind me. Jazz liked being around Alice. There was no tension, no anger, she was all sugar and spice and everything nice. And the fact that she hung on his every word didn't hurt things either. They sat down on the built in couch tangled in an innocent hug.

I scanned the rest of the small aircraft stupidly. I knew she wouldn't be here- she wasn't even back in Forks yet. But watching Jazz get to relax with his girl in his arms made me deranged with the need to have my girl in my arms. That thought pulled me up short.

Bella was so not my girl. She wasn't my anything... was she?

"Good morning passengers," Carlisle's calm voice announced over the speakers.

I smirked- you just had to fucking love Carlisle.

"I would like to thank you all for flying Air-Cullen this morning. I have to ask that you please take your seats," he broke out of the staged voice to mention, "Ally can you show them how to buckle up?"

I scowled at the pixie bitch I knew how to fucking buckle my seatbelt.

"Looks like we are in for a smooth ride back to Forks, with one quick stop off in Victoria. Please refrain from running around the cabin and help yourself to the snack bar once I have turned off the fasten seatbelt sign. And again thank you for flying with us today and enjoy the flight."

The speaker dinged off as the jet roared to life. We flew down the runway and were weightless in no time. I watched as we headed in to the non-threatening rain clouds.

_A stop in Victoria, huh_.

There was only one thing in British Columbia that I needed to get. Alice's tinkling laughter wasn't even enough to annoy me as we headed north- towards Bella.


	4. Time of Confidences

**Bookends By: Bella's Executioner.**

**Rating: M- this means if you're under 16 you are agreeing to break your own ToS by reading this and I'm not your mother so be responsible for yourself.**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is the sole owner of the world of Twilight. She is Bella's creator. I am Bella's Executioner.**

**A/N: Bookends is the very first fanfiction I started writing. It's been on this site, moved and come back. It has errors, fuck ups and lots of proofs that I'm human but it also has all of my heart and soul in it. I welcome you into this world of pain and love and hope that you enjoy. I also welcome your thoughts as you read—pm me or review and I'll be happy to discuss the story with you.**

**Chapter 4: Time of confidences **

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**BPOV (Victoria)**

I had only one full day left. Only 24 measly hours that I had to survive. I was that guy in the hot seat with one last question before the million dollars… And wham, Regis sideswipes me and I'm leaving with nothing… I found myself staring at expressionless faced nondescript bodies wearing the most god awful trendiest clothing standing in awkward poses.

And I wasn't talking about mannequins.

Runny and Renee had kidnapped me—I was going to find a security guard and insist on a drug test.

_I think I was hit with chloroform in my eggs this morning._

Who knew that malls could have sales that never ended? Well, I guessed that charge-it Barbie and her anatomically deficient male clone probably knew. They walked with linked arms and skipped ahead of me.

At times like these I would stop and reflect on my many shortcomings. Was there something wrong with me that I couldn't just fit in? They weren't mean, they were just too much—but they wanted to include me. There were plenty of kids who were getting high in their basements right now because their parents had checked out long ago. I at least had a wanna-be parent trying to connect me with.

Renee held out her hand to offer me safe passage in to the club of child-parent bonding.

I could take. It looked like an easy thing to just hold someone's hand and giggle through the mall. My fingers actually twitched in anticipation of trying the experiment. A group of high-schoolers came running through the halls screaming and playing. One ran between Renee's offer and me. I leaned against the window of the shoe store to catch my breath.

It was invasion of the body snatchers in here. I was assimilating against my better judgment. Runny looked over his shoulder at me—real creepy like. Try as I might I would never be able to not get weirded out by that kid.

I blew out an awkward breath and scanned the store just to keep my eyes busy enough to not keep looking at the creepy staring. I caught a glance of my new public enemy number one.

Without a word to my _muddies_, Renee's nickname for mall buddies, I stalked into the shoe store. Em was checking out some cross trainers for practice when I found him.

"Jerk." I put on my best scowl and crossed my arms. I was very intimidating—at least in my head.

"Ease up," he laughed, not even bothering to look at me. The scowl was fierce, he was right to hide.

"Tell you what, I'll trade. You can go to the dress shop, the spa and eat the wezzeliest pretzel you can find. And I'll shop on my own for the things I want."

He smirked over his shoulder at me.

_Note the fierce big brother. Hold the pose… wait for it… wait for it_.

Em doubled over laughing. The shoe salesman looked very occupied with the merchandise just outside of our conversation.

"Sorry…" My moronic brother said through deep breaths. "Was that your 'fierce' look?" It was hard to maintain the appropriate level of steel when a guy as big as Em snapped his fingers and said "fierce" like a seasoned diva.

"Seriously Em," I looked over my shoulder and located the bopsy-blonds checking out unisex tap shoes.

"I am ditching them. You give me any less than a five minute head start and I will end you," I said each syllable slowly to emphasize how serious I was.

He tried to hide his snickers long enough to shake his head. I rolled my eyes and serpentined through the aisles to escape the ambiguously aged duo.

Once I was alone I ran through the open hallways like one of the other kids. It was probably silly looking—but I had spent the morning with a mother and son wearing matching t-shirts. Silly I could handle.

I ran down to the nearest nonboutique and jumped inside. It was a gloriously dim lit novelty shop that sold funky arts and crafts. It was completely off Renee's radar. I wondered if they had a bed in the back—I'd move in right now.

There was awesome stuff on display in the tiny space. I liked the abstract stuff—of course. I was by no means an art buff but like Alice's fashion and Edward's music I could tell you what I thought was nice.

There was a postcard sized print with purple and green flames fanning across it. I bought it immediately and fled the store before I started to cry. I didn't buy anything else in the mall that day. I didn't want anything that was sold in this place. It seemed only appropriate to have something pretty to look at in place of what I really wanted to see.

I sat down in a hidden corner, on a really comfortable couch, and pulled out the last picture Edward had sent me from my purse. The red flames in the corner of his drawing were a little smudged.

I'd spent the last five days trying to smooth them out.

I could tell he was hurting—and the fire was just that rage he kept on the surface to protect himself. But I was stupid enough to think that I could help douse those flames. I compared the purple flames to his red. The new postcard seemed so empty and detached. I didn't like it so much once I held it next to Edward's. I threw it away in the nearest garbage can and sulked around the mall aimlessly.

I wondered if they would call me or just leave and forget me here. It was tempting to hope for the latter. But I knew Em wouldn't let me get lost. I had my cell phone clutched in my hand. When in crowded places I put my phone on vibrate so as not to disturb people. My ringtones were an acquired taste. Depending on who was calling me one might hear the _Star Wars_ theme, or dialogue from _Monty Python_ movies. If my ringer was on when Renee called everyone in the mall would be treated to _Barbie Girl_.

I sat outside of the Disney store trying not to cry over spilt Edward. There was a picture of a princess in the window—her white knight riding in to save her. Like the silly girl I was, I wished it could be me. It was just as stupid as trying to hope my dad would wake up and just get it. Or wanting to hold Renee's hand. I just wasn't someone people got. I tried. Really hard. But no matter what I did—I eventually drove people away.

It was really dumb to wrap so many emotions around my Edward mail. He'd never promised me anything—and he didn't owe me anything. But it still stung. I wondered what I had written in my last update that was finale the nail. I kicked the beige linoleum with a scowl.

_Doesn't matter. Suck it up_.

Emmett was standing on the second floor dais shouting disgustingly offensive slurs in my direction. I didn't pay him any attention. It was annoying to Renee when people drew inappropriate attention to their self in public—so I let Emmett have his fun.

I smiled. I guess now it was Em's turn to be the one to always make me smile.

_Keep it together idiot. You can cry when you get to your father's house_.

I raised my hand above my head still staring at my feet and flipped my loud mouthed brother the bird. His bellowing laugh told me he saw and was on his way down. I sniffed at the not quite flowing tears and sucked it up for the car ride back to Dad's house.

-**-Bookends-**-

After our awkward second to last meal together I escaped to my room. I should have been packing but I played a couple of rounds of Tetris on my computer first. All of my crap was basically packed anyway.

After I made it to level 24 and nearly had an aneurism I shut off the game and starting surfing the net. Somehow I ended up on art sites—checking out abstract photos of swirling colors. And somehow my knees were pulled up under my chin while I masochistically continued to look at things that made me sad. The artwork was beautiful. But I was just an idiot.

The tears that I promised not to ignore once I was alone were starting to fall. I flipped on my word program and started to jot down the random shit that bothered me this week. I guess I could turn these into journal entries. The habit was too long-going to break now. I was completely dependent on the outlet of the letters to help me deal with my insanity. There was a tugging in my chest that told me to just go ahead and send it anyway. It would show him that my acceptance wasn't dependent on reciprocation. If I did everything in the hopes of something in return I really would be pathetic and lonely.

But I didn't need anyone—I was here for him whether he spoke to me ever again or not.

One little slight was hardly hardcore in the world of professional disregard. If he thought I was amateur enough to actually feel hurt that he had ignored me then he should take a number.

_I am a rock! I am an island_..._Are you seriously quoting Simon and Garfunkel songs now Bella? _I rolled my eyes.

But then how did that explain the tears? Hormones. P.M.S. Girl things...none of it had to do with Edward Masen. It wasn't like I was sitting here wishing that he would just know that I needed to hear his voice and then suddenly…

My rant was interrupted by my phone ringing.

"Well, that was rather unexpected." I held up my phone—blocked number. I scowled, Emmett liked to crank call me on my cell phone. I had one friend, one sibling, one parent. Thus giving me only three people who ever needed to call me. But I always answered the phone like every call was dire.

I prepared myself for the possibility of a prank. And I tried to sniff away my tear, clearing my voice as I answered.

"Hello…" God my voice was raspy and hoarse. You would almost think that the tears were real and Edward was affecting me.

There was no response. So I tried again. Charlie Brown always ran after the football more than once.

"Who is this?" I was trying to not sound interested. Em loved it when I sounded interested. Still no sound. That was new. Em was usually snickering enough I could hear it by now.

"Not funny Em." I scowled. I didn't like bullies and right now I didn't have patience for even my harmless big brother.

I heard a deep velvet chuckle on the other end of the line. I knew that laugh. My hands were like ice. My heart was racing. The tears were still falling unchecked.

"_Edward_?" I whispered. My breath escaped me.

"Yeah."

_Good God his voice was so dreamy_.

I couldn't deal with this. Why was he calling _me_? Why now!

"Wow," was my only brilliant response. I needed to get my think-then-speak engine checked out. I waited for him to explain himself. I paused my speaking, thinking and breathing to let him continue. Still nothing.

"Are you okay?"

Another long pause.

"No." His voice was rough. Was he crying?

I whispered "oh," and kept holding out hope that his brain was working better than mine. But without him speaking I was left spinning in my own mind. I forgot completely about why I was crying before and started crying now for the pain I heard in his strained response. I pulled in shallow breaths so that he wouldn't hear my tears.

Then out of nowhere he said "sorry," and the flood gate was open. I let out a tiny breath that hitched and I sniffed as the snot started running down from my right nostril. I knew what he was talking about. I knew that he didn't mean to forget me. I had no idea why he was calling me, or what hell he was trapped in but I knew he wanted me to hold his hand through it.

"Come home," was all I could say. I wanted him here—no I wanted him in Forks. I wanted us to be sitting in the tree house at the back of the adjoining Swan and Cullen properties. I wanted us to be sitting alone because Alice and Jazz were off playing dress up and Em and Jake were off playing football. Edward and I could just sit alone and not have to think. When we were alone we just were. We could sit for hours and not say a word. He would sketch and I would write.

And the world was peaceful.

He didn't say anything else. Occasionally I would make sure I hadn't dropped his call but mostly I just breathed in and out and thought of happier times. We sat like that for an hour. Never speaking, only being.

Then he mumbled something about Carlisle being there.

_Damn, this must have been pretty bad_.

He sounded a little sheepish when he apologized for talking to me on a stolen phone. Like borrowing someone's phone to call me was the worst thing Edward Masen had ever done. It made me giggle.

It was nice—to have the real source of my laugh reinstated. He hung up and even though he didn't say it, I knew I would see him when I got home tomorrow.

Two seconds later _I'm Just a Girl_ starting playing from my phone. Alice. I picked up her call with anxious anticipation. All at once I was ready to pack—I wonder if it would be too weird to wait out at the curb all day tomorrow just in case they tried to leave without me.

Alice gave me the low down on Tanya's latest crap. Ten counts of misdemeanors and a couple of felonies involving the state of the boys' living conditions.

It pissed me off. I was glad she was back in jail but Edward would be feeling pretty shitty that Carlisle was there to bail them out—again. At least that's how Edward would see it.

I would see that Carlisle just wanted those boys to be happy and safe. He would probably adopt them himself in a heartbeat if it weren't for his little sister always getting out of jail just in the nick of time. Alice said that they were planning on coming by Victoria on their way back to Forks so we should expect them in an hour or so. She also mentioned that she had to hang up before they got to the jet because she wanted to see his face when Carlisle told him the surprise. Damn Alice and her theory about Edward and me.

I humored her and hung up. I was giddy and hyper after that. I wanted to run down stairs and just leave all my crap here. I wanted to be on the plane already. I felt goofy enough to consider tying a ribbon around myself to help Alice's allusion to me being some kind of gift made just for Edward.

And then all at once I was totally exhausted. I climbed in to my bed. I was just going to sit and relax until they showed up. The bed side lamp was still on—I had taken to just never turning it off by now. I was just lying back to keep from getting a cramp in my neck. Then I was just resting my eyes because the gentle sound of the fresh rain against my windows was soothing me.

Then I was dead to the world.

I was floating in velvet warmth. It was so comfy. So perfect. And it smelled delicious- rain kissed lilacs and honey.

I nuzzled into my pillow. It was the most delectable feeling- the warmth was firm but soft, and it circled around me with a concentrated heat from behind. I sighed.

The warmth chuckled.

I knew that laugh.

_Edward_.

A goofy ass grin spread across my face. My white knight had come to rescue me from the tower after all.

-**-Bookends-**-

**EPOV (Victoria)**

The house was dark when we got there. Carlisle had a nifty device on his headset in the jet that patched him through to landlines. They were expecting us at the Swan residence even though it was still very early in the morning.

Carlisle headed into the kitchen with that blond freak that Charlie called a new wife. The creepy boy with pansy-ass name was sitting on the couch watching me all creepy-like. The house was deathly silent except for a ticking grandfather clock at the top of the first flight of stairs.

I followed Carlisle and noticed Charlie in his study with his back to the door. He never spoke to us the whole time we were there- didn't give a shit that we were taking his kids a day early.

The creepy kid, _Puny_... I think that was his name, just kept staring with glazed eyes.

_Fucking Christ_! No wonder Bella hated this place. It was huge and obnoxiously empty.

"Which room's Bella's?" I asked in the middle of decrepit Barbie's monologue. Carlisle shot me a look but she waved up stairs and said, "second floor last door down".

I didn't hang around to catch the entire speech. I wasn't here for her.

I noticed Emmett's door open as I reached the second floor. He was packing his bags with a very deliberate finesse. Appearance was everything with Emmett. He threw me a smile as I passed his doorway. I wasn't really capable of being friends with most people. The fact that Emmett and I didn't throw down whenever we saw each other was a big fucking deal. But we weren't going to be chillin' together anytime soon.

Her door was so plain and sterile from the outside- nothing like the one she had at home that was covered in decoupage scrapes of magazine cutouts. I knocked softly a few times. I was suddenly very nervous. I could hear Jazz and Alice joining Emmett in his room. And from the corner of my eye I noticed the creepy boy standing on the top step staring around the corner at me.

_Fuck me, he was just weird_. I knocked again. No answer.

I gave up and tried the handle- Success. The room was totally dark but for the bedside lamp. The warm glow illuminated a sleeping beauty in the huge blood red colored bed. I stood, staring for a moment.

I knew that it had been a little over a year since I saw her, and granted she was still very kid-looking...scratch that she was still very much a kid period, but I couldn't believe that _that_ was Bella. She stirred gently in her sleep. Her little face puckered and a little whimper escaped her lips. It was fucking... _cute_.

All at once I was moving toward the bed. Without thinking, I pulled back the covers and slid in behind her, like it was the most natural fucking thing in the world. And it felt really fucking natural too. She sighed as I inched closer to her. I saw the pucker melt into a lazy smile as she breathed deep. She burrowed into her giant pillow and that made me chuckle. With an ease that almost scared me to death, I encircled her little body in my arms.

That lazy smile spread into a goofy ass grin. She leaned back into me, peaking over her shoulder and opened her eyes slowly, like she was savoring the moment or some shit. Her green eyes were so damn happy and peaceful when they stared up into mine. It made me a little light headed to stare back.

Must be the hormones again, but I could feel that crooked smile slide across my face. And when my smile made her smile wider, I was fucking doing back flips inside my head. The need to do something stupid to make her laugh was clouding my judgment again.

I was too fucking comfortable in this bed with her in my arms. I reached down as if this was just our Sunday morning routine and did something really fucking stupid. I knew she was ticklish. Her brother was relentless when he wanted to be mean and had tickled her many times at family functions.

So I smiled at her in diversion and launched my attack to her right side.

It worked. She squirmed and laughed and tried to wiggle out of my arms. It just made me laugh while I watched. The more she squirmed the more I tickled and the more we danced like that the more it made us both laugh. Finally she twisted so far into my body that neither of us could move unless I released her.

Her eyes were filled with tears. Her cheeks were a pretty pink against her cream complexion. And I couldn't control myself as I took in the sight of her. With that same unexplainable familiarity I leaned down a planted a quick kiss on her lips.

I pulled back with a snap of my neck. Her eyes were wide. I could feel the terror in my own expression so the blank stare on her face was not helpful.

"Ummm…Sorry," I said and sat up in the bed, turning away from her.

"O-kay," she said like she was still kind of in shock. I was a little past shock and heading in to deer in the fucking headlights.

Without a word, she got out of bed and headed over to her opened suitcase on the floor. She rifled through a pile of clothes- I don't think she ever unpacked any of them during her stay here. I stared with inappropriate intensity. I was really looking at the pants.

_Garfield, so Bella_.

But when she straightened up and looked at me I realized that it looked like I was staring at her butt.

"Pants," was all my brilliant mouth could say. Fucking brain mouth disassociation- I was going to have to schedule a peace conference to bring them back together soon. If Tanya's lawyer was right, we would be starting school this fall at Forks High and that meant constant Bella communication.

Bella looked down at her pants and her neck joined her cheeks in blushing.

"Leaving," she said, pointing to the door and keeping up with the monosyllabic conversation. Once she was gone I continued to be the inappropriate prick and made my self at home in her room. It so wasn't Bella's room.

Alice might have been the most annoying little shit on the west coast, but she had her usefulness at times. She had lectured the Masen brothers, mainly Jazz, on the sanctities of female privacy.

Rule one: A girl's room is her oasis. It should reflect the inner beauty and secret desires of its owner. I looked around the room that cost an easy sixty-K and shook my head.

The sheets were all Bella and the built in recliner on the abnormally long sofa against the wall of windows was Bella. But everything else was just money. I walked over to her desk.

_Was that the new iBook._ _Damn_. And don't think that the forty-two-inch plasma on the wall had missed my attention. The walls were bleeding pretension, which is probably why Bella painted the henna stencil all over them.

I smiled as I raised my hand to touch the swirls of deep chocolate brown—the same shade as my eyes. I had sent her a lot of my own work that looked like this. My finger traced one long rope that curled into another. It made me mad to think about my art right now.

Bella was taking a long time in the bathroom. I scowled at the door as if that would make her suddenly appear. Alice hadn't gotten around to ladies and restrooms sermon… yet.

I figured she would be a while longer—she looked kind of unprepared for our arrival. I walked over to her dresser to confirm my suspicions. Sure enough, they were empty. Bella's three oversized pieces of luggage were thrown on the floor with the lids open and everything she coveted hanging over the edges or piled in a heap. I decided to be useful so I crouched down and started to pack for her.

I made a quick case of the joint and saw that there was nothing lying around—guess everything really was right here in her bags. I shoved all the nonclothing items back in to the giant duffle bag because that was what it was piled on top of. Then I fought with her extra pairs of shoes, hats and coats in the second bag. Her giant suitcase was more difficult due to the fact that her clothes would not fit without folding all of them—and there were a lot of them. That fact Alice had covered. Something about always being prepared… Girl Scout motto… _bullshit_. I grabbed handfuls of clothes and piled them on the floor next to me. I would have to work from the ground up. I folded her heavy sweaters and was half way through her shirts with a tiny red lacy piece pulled out of a pair of her pants.

I didn't really get the chance to look at it. Though I made a mental note to do some research on line—it was a _VS_ product. I had just registered that it was in my hand and held it up when Bella's door opened.

I'm not sure if I was more terrified that it would be Emmett, or Charlie, or even Carlisle but I hadn't considered the horrific possibility that it would be the very person who owned the delicates. Bella stood with her hand on the doorknob and the weirdest half scowl-half look of terror on her face. I was now the deer being taken to the taxidermist.

Road-fucking-kill.

Great. Get in bed with a girl, touch her without permission, kiss her without intention, ogle her ass while she wasn't looking and then get caught fondling her underwear while you were alone and do it all in less than twenty minutes. And lest we forget to mention that I did it all with an eleven year old.

_Fucking perv_.

"Packing."

"Right." She shrugged it off and dropped her toiletries bag into the top of the shoes and coats bag. She didn't say anything about the random pervert exhibition that I was currently starring in. She would fold something and hand it to me to put in the case.

It was weird. But then, that's why I always liked being around Bella. She shied away from normal.

"I think that's it. Thanks."

She crawled on top of the suitcase to secure the zipper and I suppressed a chuckle. She started to try to balance all three pieces in her tiny arms.

"I've got these two," I said trying to sound chivalrous but failing because white knights don't leer at eleven year olds.

"Thanks," she said shyly and that adorable blush was turning her ears pink again.

We met Emmett and my family at the entrance. Renee and _that damn creepy kid_ were standing by the couch looking all dopey eyed that the kids were leaving. Bella slung the duffle across her chest and awkwardly made her way over to them.

It was like a car accident that you just couldn't look away from—at least that was my defense for again encroaching on her privacy. But Renee threw her arms around Bella like a mother hen swaddling her young chick. The creepy boy patted her shoulders and actually looked a little choked up that she was going away too. Bella reached in to her pocket, like Jane Goodall pulling out treats for a pack of Gorillas. She gave the boy some sort of hair product and Renee a small box that looked like it would hold a nice pair of earrings. They must have drugged her and kidnapped her to the mall.

Bella pulled away from the scene a little less awkward but still not quite as easy as she would have from her own mother and brother. She threw a beseeching glare at Emmett and he waved from the door. Everyone turned to head out after that.

But Bella was two steps behind. Renee and the boy had already headed back in to the deeper parts of the house.

I watched Bella watch them.

Her eyes were sad for some reason I didn't understand. Then I turned to see the boy walk into Charlie's office. I could hear Charlie's boisterous voice rising as he fell into a passionate conversation with his wife's son. That was the first time I realized that Charlie hadn't come out to say goodbye. I turned back to Bella in time to see her mask the pain that twisted her face. I looked away before she caught me invading again. I held the door for her and as she passed me I took her hand in mine without speaking.

I held her hand as we walked out into the rainy morning light. And I sat next to her in the taxi with her hand still clutched tightly in mine. When I pulled her into the seat next to me on the jet I loosened my hold because I saw my knuckles were turning white with the intensity of my grip. But I didn't let go.

If I did one thing right in my life from now on it was going to be showing Bella that she wasn't alone just like she had always done for me.

I promised myself that as I peered out of the corner of my eye and watched her enjoy the flight and smile whenever she glanced at our entwined fingers.

I promised my self. I would not fuck this up.


	5. Old Friends

**Bookends By: Bella's Executioner.**

**Rating: M- this means if you're under 16 you are agreeing to break your own ToS by reading this and I'm not your mother so be responsible for yourself.**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is the sole owner of the world of Twilight. She is Bella's creator. I am Bella's Executioner.**

**A/N: Bookends is the very first fanfiction I started writing. It's been on this site, moved and come back. It has errors, fuck ups and lots of proofs that I'm human but it also has all of my heart and soul in it. I welcome you into this world of pain and love and hope that you enjoy. I also welcome your thoughts as you read—pm me or review and I'll be happy to discuss the story with you.**

**Chapter 5- Old Friends**

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**APOV (Forks high gym, Cullenista launch two months later)**

"Earth to Bella!" I snapped my fingers in front of her glazed eyes.

The child really was beginning to infuriate me these days. It was wonderful that my cousin was finally taking the lead. He'd spent the last two months making my best friend his number one priority—it was totally romantic, and of course no big surprise to me. But it was impossibly distracting.

Bella went from the abandoned little girl to the attached young woman and seemingly over night. I had always known there was something there between Edward and Bella. They were just _right_. Like Danny and Sandy, Leo and Kate, peanut butter and jelly, Edward and Bella belonged in each other's lives. They just needed the right push by one tiny, little hand of fate—a perfect little pixie sized hand to be precise.

But I was desperately regretting forcing Edward's hand so quickly on my wide eyed friend. Bella used to be the girl who had it all together. Lately she was just some naïve blushing school girl. It used to be that I could prattle on to Bella for days about my designs, knowing that she was just humoring me and clueless as to what I was talking about, but present in mind and body none-the-less. Now all she could do was stare off in to space and shake her head while admitting that she was thinking about Edward.

_Damn him_. It was just like that cousin of mine to sweep in and turn my perfectly constructed plan of setting up the next great American romance into an offensive to rob me of _my_ Bella hook up.

Bella still had plenty of time to hang out with me as long as I didn't mind the six foot goiter growing out of her right hip. I could go to the movies with her any time just as long as I understood that she would be cracking wise commentary with her new Ebert while my Siskel sat silently forgotten on her other arm.

It was easy to understand. She had never received any attention from a boy, especially the level of obsession that Edward gave her. Oh sure, Mike and Tyler and the pre-K gang used to drape themselves around Bella's every move but that was just because Bella was pretty and smart and too nice to tell them to get lost.

And it was adorable at worst the way Edward completely morphed from an annoying prick to a sweet attentive gentleman for Bella.

But it was driving me insane. I needed a little Bella time too. Especially right now. It was going to be the biggest day of my life. The launch of _Cullenista_ on a retail market level was huge. I was history in the making—only twelve years old. And there she was, the one person who should be jumping up and down with me, sitting staring at _him_ again.

The boys had all shown up together and were bitching tirelessly about having to wear the tuxedos I designed for them. Well, my two cousins were. Jake, my big brother, just looked unimpressed with the choice—he thought mine and Bella's outfits were much more fashion forward. And Emmett was just the typical metro when it came to dressy clothes so he was in seventh heaven. Jazz tried to keep the complaints down to being uncomfortable with the attention.

But the big fat crybaby was belly aching like there was no end.

"Bella can't save you from this one!" I hollered over the divider between where we stood and where they were changing. Bella blushed at my words. Edward peeked around the screen with that damn exasperating crooked smile on his oh so handsome face.

"But wouldn't it be fun to see her try." He winked at my already addle witted friend. She giggled behind me while my scowl grew in ferocity. Edward threw up his arms and disappeared.

"She's such a fucking terrifying little monster, Jazz." I could hear him saying. "I don't know what you find so damn intriguing." My own crush leaned his head around the corner. It was my turn to have my intelligence leak out of my ear.

He winked at me before returning to the manly fashion make over.

"Because, she's _my_ fucking terrifying little monster," he said. The smile in his voice made my knees go all mushy which was not good because I was wearing a pair of my new baby kitty heels. Jazz came in to view before I could steady myself. He marched his devastatingly gorgeous form straight to me. He wore the same crooked smile but it wasn't as bastardly wicked on him as it was on Edward. He wrapped me in his arms and trapped me in the buttery trance of his golden hazel eyes. "That's why."

W-O-W. He kissed the tip of my nose and I was suddenly not only forgetting my nerves about today but floating in a haze of peace. I wondered idly if other people were as affected by Jazz's positive vibes as I was. He just had a way of calming down the raging OCD driven freak in me.

"We have to get started back here," my voice was shaky with some swirl of hormones that I was only recently aware I could tap into.

"You guys go out front and start seating the guests."

Jazz nodded. He was such a good boy.

"When do we get to change back?" Edward was still bitching as he emerged from the staging area. I glared at him, fully intending to make some smartass remark about pumpkins and midnight. But instead I had to catch my breath along with the very audible gasp that came from Bella's mouth behind me.

You couldn't deny that the boy was painfully beautiful.

Unlike Jake and Em who were broad and strong, Edward was just solid. And unlike Jazz who was taller than Bella but more stocky than tall, Edward towered over most people around him. He was lean in the suit. It was tailored to hug every long inch of him, but you could tell that he wasn't some waif under the thick layer of midnight black material. The ice blue, almost silver tie that I had designed for him made his pale cheek bones practically cut you with their sharp edges. And it was a perfect contrast to his deep rich milk chocolate eyes. It was brutal to look at him, like I said _painfully_ beautiful.

I couldn't imagine what torture Bella's eyes were suffering while he stood there tugging at his tie. He scowled as his _Pierre_ _Original_ hair style kept falling into his eyes. He muttered something under his breath that sounded like "sissy-ass hairstylist," but stopped talking all together when he finally noticed Bella.

She was wearing the outfit that I had made exclusively for her. I refused to put the pale blue dress in my line because it was meant to only be worn by Bella. I called it _A Kiss at Twilight_. The dress was made from tiers of gossamer thin chiffon in shades of blue. The outer layer was the lightest shade—almost white in the absence of intensity of the color. The longest layer, the one that kissed Bella's thighs in a gentle drape, was a deep almost midnight blue. It made a cascading effect—like a waterfall caressing the entire length of Bella's slight form. The top was modest, as was my friend. The fabric gathered in a high waste just under her chest. The bodice was beaded with clear, iridescent crystals. The sleeves were just off of her shoulders to showcase her adorable collar bones and capped around the tops of her arms. She wore a single piece of jewelry. A heart shaped diamond necklace that Edward gave her two years ago for Christmas.

Actually, I had bought it and signed Edward's name to the card but in Bella's eyes it was a gift from Edward and was cherished as such.

With the exception of the other boys looking polished and Edward looking like some rake from a period harlequin, Bella was the most shocking transformation of them all. She wore her hair just off her shoulders in curls—just as I told her to. And she wore no make up but the cream of her cheeks was off set by the blush rising from her neck and ears. She fidgeted with the train of her dress while Edward stared with eyes unblinking. Blue was his favorite color. And Bella was his favorite person.

The combination must have been intoxicating.

I smirked. Jazz kissed my cheek as he ushered the guys out into the reception area. Edward was reluctant and Jazz planted his hands on his chest and shoved him out. He didn't speak but as he walked through the curtain I could see something in his eyes that made me even happier about his relationship with Bella than I was before. Bella was more than a friend to him—she was a _girl_, a member of the opposite sex. And he wanted very much to acknowledge that.

When I looked back at Bella and saw that tight sadness in the corners of her eyes.

I made a mental check list of the issues I still needed to address when it came to making that relationship work.

For one, Bella didn't see the potential for anything more than friendship with my cousin. She couldn't see the potential for everything she was and would be within herself.

Edward didn't follow behind Bella now out of some pity he had for her innocence, he was falling quickly in love with my almost sister and if Bella didn't pull herself together soon she would break _his_ heart.

-**-Bookends-**-

**BPOV**

I helped Alice with her repetitions—_be the winner… you will succeed… be the ball_… Then I raced quickly back to my voyeuristic musings of my… _boyfriend_.

It was the most ridiculous notion. I, Isabella Swan, eleven year old, almost twelve, social deficient shut-in extraordinaire, was not only attached but to the most wonderful person in my world. I peeked out from the heavy silver curtain to watch Edward for the millionth time that morning.

He stood at the entrance with Em, Jake, and Jazz to help greet and seat the guests. They were four of the most dashing young men in the room. The other three looked very handsome but everyone here, professional models included, paled next to Edward.

He wore an exquisite black tuxedo with a bluish silver tie. His mop of reddish brown hair was thrown in to deliberate disarray. One strand continued to fall in to his eyes. He fidgeted with the impeccably sculpted jacket and tugged at his tie. He was gorgeous.

I sighed. I wished that I was wearing one of Alice's _Pretty in Pink_ numbers. That would have been very appropriate. I felt a little like Andie—desperately hoping to go to the prom with Blane, dressed in his perfectly tailored tux, and knowing that I was destined to end up with Duckie.

I saw Mike Newton give Emmett a high five when he came in. Mike was wearing an eighties inspired button down top that was too loud for my eyes. Edward fidgeted again as Mike passed. He glared at the blond jock—mimicking my sentiments that the shirt needed to be released in to the wild.

He followed Mike with his eyes as he rushed toward the silver curtain with a purposeful look on his face. I realized too late, since I was ogling Edward and not thinking, that he was making a beeline back here to find me. Edward's eyes grew strained as he suddenly shot a glance directly at me. I dropped the curtain and prayed that he hadn't caught me staring at him—again.

I could hear Mike arguing with the security guard. I slipped behind the racks of designer clothes in hopes that no one would find me. I had way too much to think about. It had been two months—two glorious and quietly perfect months.

We never really talked about the whys or the hows but from the moment I woke up in his arms at my dad's house I was enveloped in an amazing little Edward bubble of happiness. Like the unspoken acceptance of him sending me that apple in the mail three years ago, every move that Edward made around me now had a meaning. I was not capable of fully understanding what that meaning could be. No one had ever just given me attention the way he was lately. But I liked it.

It was easy to be with Edward. We picked up the old routine with ease. We'd sit for hours without having to talk to each other. But now we sat close enough to touch—sometimes he would pull me on to his lap just to have me closer. And though we didn't need to talk, we somehow always had something that we wanted to say.

I approached the relationship with my usual guarded responses. Losing Edward's attention wouldn't be the end of my world, but if I let my guard down and gave my trust to Edward and he broke it I didn't think I could live through that. I had enough people in my life who didn't want to earn my loyalty, I didn't give Edward the option to become the next one.

So he worked twice as hard to just pretend. He acted like he didn't notice when I purposely chose to sit across the table instead of next to him when he came over for dinner. He'd just get up and move once I sat down. He turned a blind eye when I hid my writing from his eager appraisal but made sure that I all but helped him create his pieces of art every afternoon in our tree house.

I never told him the important things like what I wanted to go to college for or what I dreamed about when I was young. But he told me about his aspirations to study abroad. He wanted to go to the east coast and study music. He wanted to compose symphonies for philharmonics from all over the US. And when he was sharing his dreams with me with such reckless abandon, he ignored the fact that I never offered him any comments on where I should be in that future.

Then there were those days when he would give so much of himself to me that I felt sickened by my inability to share even a little bit of myself. Like when my mom would have to work late and I cooked dinner for he and myself. Edward hated the idea of me ever being alone. On those nights he would sit at my kitchen table, watching me with an intensity that made me blush. I would assure him that I was fine alone and then he would launch into a two hour discussion of the nights when he and Jazz were left alone.

There were the times when we would be sitting in his room and I would catch a glimpse of one of his many scars and he would openly tell me the tale of how he came to receive it. And though I was increasingly growing to adore the personal bond that Edward fostered by trusting me, and having to deal with the rising hatred I had for his parents, I grew more and more anguished by my stupid silence.

It was insane. It felt like the most natural thing to have Edward with me. Every joke I thought of I would whisper to him. When I went to bed at night it was just shortly after saying goodnight to him on my phone. And the first thing I wanted to do when I woke up in the morning was talk to Edward.

But I never _said_ anything to him.

In my defense what could I honestly say to him? Edward might have been totally cool with telling me about his father beating him but what could I relate to that. My father just ignored me. I thought that my pain was trivial next to Alice's experiences but Edward had had to grow up fast, defend his mother, survive torture and practically raise his little brother. Petty didn't come close to summing up my issues compared to Edward's hell. The only reason Edward was in my life right now was because his mother had neglected him to the point that authorities had to relocate him. My father bought me top of the line computers and other equipment for me to use in school. Where was my argument there? 'Oh but the money means nothing because it's just a stand in for all the times he never picked up the phone and told me he loved me.'

How could I look Edward in the eye and say that.

The really crazy thing was my issues seemed to be what drove Edward. He was like some self appointed protector. Whenever Em would bring up Charlie or Alice would talk about my lack of communication this summer Edward would automatically shield me from having to deal with it. He would change the subject. He would drag me from the room and engage me in a challenging game of chess. Or he would just hold my hand and give it a squeeze when he noticed it was bothering me.

It was just so sweet. It was just so damn confusing. And it was just so impossible for me not to feel like a selfish bitch for taking without giving him anything in return.

I was trying to hide without ruining my dress and losing myself in my newly minted Edward issues that were tangled up in my daddy issues when I heard Mike calling my name.

_Damn it_. I had to admit that Mike was my oldest friend. I'd known him since I was a baby. Our families shared backyard barbeques every Fourth of July. And he had always been there as a good buddy even once Alice moved to town and trumped him for the coveted best friend spot. But the closer I got to young adulthood, the more I came to despise my relationship with Mike Newton.

"Bella! There you are." Mike rounded the rack huffing and puffing like he had searched every last inch of the gym before he found me. I stood completely still and didn't speak. I think I was hoping that he would be a like a t-rex and I would disappear from his attention if I just didn't move.

"Mike!" I suppressed the internal groan. Tyler was here too. _Great_. The pre-K gang was together again.

"Over here man," Mike shouted. "She's hiding out since she's dressed like a princess." Mike winked at me. There was a time when that might have made me smile, maybe even laugh. But nowadays the casual familiarity that Mike forced on our relationship just turned my stomach.

Maybe it was because he made a point of doing it in front of Edward. And maybe it was because I could see that when Mike talked about the dreams of my youth, though Edward never mentioned it to me, I could see that it bothered him to not be in on the secret.

"There you are girlie." Tyler appeared next to Mike. I couldn't hide anymore.

"Hey guys." I waved an awkward hand in the air and stood up. No use hoping they would go away.

"Wow," Mike said.

"Yah," Tyler offered. I squirmed under their scrutiny. It wasn't like when Edward stared at me earlier. Then I was nervous because I didn't know how to handle the intense rush of… what?... want… need… desire that I felt when I saw the _hunger_ in his eyes. I liked seeing Edward look at me that way.

I didn't like having the guys look at me this way. I felt like some piece of meat that they were drooling over at the butcher's.

"So," Mike said leaning against the wall that hadn't been thick enough to conceal my presence. "I hear you're taking high school level courses this year."

I rolled my eyes.

"Yah, Mike, you know I can't stand kids our own age." I forced a smile. I had really hoped to not get any notice for my course schedule that started in two weeks. I was too young to just jump into high school, according to my counselor and my mother, but I was too bored in classes that fit my age. So I was taking my science, math, and English courses at the high school. It worked out perfectly. I went to Jr. High in the morning, had lunch at the high school and finished out the day with my upper level classes.

The only draw back was that I didn't have any friends who were in high school, other than the boys Em, Jake, Jazz and Edward. But as a social loner that hadn't bothered me when I made my schedule in early June. Now, I had a freshman boyfriend who would be the biggest distraction.

"You still planning to have Masen in the posse?"

Tyler was such an idiot. He didn't look at me quite the same way Mike did. I was more Tyler's ultimate back up plan. If I don't have a partner—Bella will be available. If I didn't get a date for the prom—Bella won't have one either she can go with me. It was funny because if I wasn't the most docile person in Tyler's life, he'd probably just hit me with his van because he'd never notice me.

"No," I said practically laughing when they both straightened up at the omission. I finished quickly, squashing their hopes before they started making Friday night plans again.

"I plan on Edward being _the_ posse."

_Wow, I never thought I'd have to break up with my friends_. But they were too aggressive in the assault on mine and Edward's relationship this last month. I had to break it now before anymore got hurt.

"Oh," Mike said.

"Okay," Tyler offered.

They turned in tandem and fled the staging area with slouched shoulders.

_Why was I surrounded by such drama-driven guys?_

Alice finally released me from my back stage duties and sent me out in to the audience to show off her couture. I wished her good luck and fled the clothing filled room before she changed her mind. I

found my mom and brother easily. Mom had to come straight from work—she was the chief of police in Forks. So she was wearing her uniform and apologizing early for the almost inevitable tirade Alice would unleash over the fashion faux pas. Em was on the other side of mom with his long arm stretched over the back of Jake's chair. Dr. Cullen sat on the other side of Jake and Edward was on the end. We had everyone we cared about shoved between us. We were a mile apart and yet when he turned his head and smiled at me I felt like we were the only two people in the room and he was holding my hand with quiet assurance.

The show began with Alice's mentor and tutor Laurent St. James' introduction. _St. James' Classicique_ was supposed to be some very well known clothing company in Europe. He specialized in period looking clothing—almost ancient in their construction. Alice had a flare for the romantics in her designs as well so Laurent had nourished that flare and coached her into the spotlight. He was very proud of her work and open to lavishing praise on Alice whenever in public.

I didn't know what I thought about him. I never felt like I knew the whole story of Mr. St. James when I was talking to him. And his protégé, Victoria, often glared daggers at my pixie best friend. She had been under Laurent's tutelage for years and had never broken into the business the way Alice did immediately.

Once the show began_, A Late Summer's Night Dream_ themed, I was swept away in Alice's vision. Edward had helped design and paint the sets. He and Jazz had arranged the music. And Jake had set up the lighting and smoke effects. It was provocative, mesmerizing and impossibly beautiful.

Alice was a true genius. At the end she walked with Laurent and her head model, Jessica, to the end of the runway—where we were seated. She gave the boys all high fives and Dr. Cullen a bone crushing hug. Then she grabbed my hand on her way back and forced me to walk the cat walk with her.

It was terribly embarrassing and I had to fight with that Jessica girl for enough space to not trip on my face. But as I took in the massive grin on Alice's face, I knew I would take that walk a thousand more times if it meant she would be happy like that.

I blushed at the obnoxious hoots and whistles from the four idiot boys that I'd just been seated next to. I tried to block them out—well, I tried to block three of them out. When I rounded the corner to exit the stage I shot a glance at Edward. He had a big goofy grin on his face that made me weak in the knees. He was standing on his chair whistling like he didn't care if anyone around him thought he was insane—like we were the only two people in the room.


	6. Mud

**Bookends By: Bella's Executioner.**

**Rating: M- this means if you're under 16 you are agreeing to break your own ToS by reading this and I'm not your mother so be responsible for yourself.**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is the sole owner of the world of Twilight. She is Bella's creator. I am Bella's Executioner.**

**A/N: Bookends is the very first fanfiction I started writing. It's been on this site, moved and come back. It has errors, fuck ups and lots of proofs that I'm human but it also has all of my heart and soul in it. I welcome you into this world of pain and love and hope that you enjoy. I also welcome your thoughts as you read—pm me or review and I'll be happy to discuss the story with you.**

**Chapter 6: Mud**

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**EPOV **

I glared down the end of my baseball cap.

_Was he fucking kidding me?_

Carlisle knew that sports were not in my arsenal of tricks. Jazz was leading away from second base to taunt Jake to get distracted so he could steal third. I rolled my eyes. That was the only fucking way he was going to get off second with me up to bat.

From the corner of my eye I could see Bella cringing at the thought of having to catch a ball to tag me out at first. I thought it was infinitely endearing that she thought I had enough talent to actually hit the ball.

_Hadn't she been paying attention for the last nine innings of this fucking embarrassing game?_

Jake shook his head as he turned down the signals that Tyler was sending him from behind the plate.

_Just fucking throw it already_. _You don't have to _try _to strike me out_.

He finally settled on whichever pitch would be my downfall and snapped back his arm to release his attack. I closed my eyes and swung. It was a Bella technique. Surprisingly enough, it worked.

I felt the bat connect with the ball just as I heard the thwack split the silence. Jazz was a blur already rounding third when my mind told me to run. The ball landed between Emmett and Newton in the outfield. I might not have hand-eye coordination down but I was fast.

I streaked to first base only vaguely aware of the delicate feminine form waiting to block me. The ball was sailing in and forcing Bella to turn her attention away from me. I tried to slow down. I heard Jazz score a run and Carlisle hoot for us taking the lead. Then my mind finally processed the distance to time to stop ratio. I was going to collide right into my girlfriend.

Bella tried to catch the ball but ended up juggling it like a hot potato. When she finally seized it between both hands, she was not on the base. She turned to catch me as I plowed toward first and her eyes grew wide as I tried to slow down.

We landed with a thud and she dropped the ball. I heard the air rush out of her lungs and I huffed as her bent knee crunched into my groin.

I wanted to jump up and apologize. I needed to give her body a once over to make sure she wasn't hurt. I should've crawled into a dark cave and hide from the ridicule that was coming from the guys. But I couldn't make my body do anything but laugh.

I pulled my head back far enough to look into her eyes. Bella was over come with fits of giggles and as always her laugh was making my head fuzzy. I laughed with her as her eyes began to water. Neither of us moved to get up. I could hear Jazz laughing his butt off in the dugout. Carlisle was shouting something about unsportsmanlike conduct. And I could hear Emmett issuing a threat of bodily harm for manhandling his sister. That one I took seriously and jumped to my feet pulling Bella up with me.

Me playing baseball in Carlisle's big backyard the night before I was to start a whole new life was just ludicrous to believe even now.

After the first week of settling in and Alice running all over Port Angeles and online outlets to dress Jazz and I like we were her life size ken dolls, it started to sink in. That sensation of stability. I had felt it only once before.

When Jazz and I came to live with Carlisle five years ago I had almost felt like I was living a normal life. Back then it was just a quiet place where dad was dead and gone, mom was finally behind bars and Uncle C was giving us a place to stay and food to eat. But just like all things that were clean and good in my life, Tanya found a way to ruin it. She got out and claimed she was clean. Carlisle sent us home and the world spun upside down again.

This time I was more than hopeful. This time I didn't just have a place to stay.

I had a family.

I had a home.

I was starting high school.

And I had Bella.

That last thing seemed to be some iron cable that made everything else settle into place. Tanya was in for five to ten with a shot at parole in three. Three years from now I would be almost eighteen. She couldn't fuck with me then. It was an immediate release when Carlisle told me that- like I could finally breathe after holding my breath under water for most of my life.

-**-Bookends-**-

I was standing there watching the fireworks, and wondering why people were always so impressed with shit that explodes.

Bella was leaning her head on my shoulder. She watched the fireworks in awe. Shit like that made her smile. Maybe there was something to blowing crap up after all.

I held her hand with the same persistence that I always reserved just for her. Her fingers danced with mine like we were playing keys on a piano.

I peeked at her face again. She was totally mesmerized by the sparkling lights in the sky, completely unaware of her involuntary PDA.

_Finally_.

I'd spent almost two months getting Bella okay with even talking to me around other people without becoming so embarrassed that she just blushed and hid her face. It wasn't fucking easy. I didn't like public displays either. But when I was around her... everyone else just faded away.

It was stupid, like I was maturing all in one shot or something, but when I decided to be a friend to Bella, I hadn't realized what that really meant. Now as I sniffed her heather scented hair I started to understand. It made me smile.

I rested my cheek on the top of her head, nudging her out of her trance. She stiffened as she became aware of our casual stance and stepped away. Unlike every other damn time she had done this since I got here, I didn't tolerate that. Bella was turning twelve today. I was finally living someplace that made me happy. We were both starting high school tomorrow. It was empowering to the say the least. I wanted to force her to enjoy it. To revel alongside of me.

To trust this.

She was stiff as a board next to me. I tried to help relax her. I wrapped my arm around her little shoulders, real fucking causal like. But she just kept searching the space around us like a fucking mob was going to show up with pitchforks.

I rolled my eyes and took a step away from her, just like I had all summer.

She relaxed.

_Weirdo_.

I was suddenly tired of being around so many people. The fireworks were for Bella, but she just kept staring at the dark path that led to our secret tree house.

I grabbed her hand and dragged her away from the crowd.

The closer we got to our sanctuary, the more she turned back into my Bella. She stopped looking around to see if anyone was watching. I rolled my eyes. I used to think I had issues. I never imagined that Bella was more fucked up than me.

She just seemed so normal before. But I had never gone to Victoria before. She'd never mentioned how much it hurt her to be around that dick of a father before.

And I wasn't a fourteen year prick with raging hormones before.

That was the biggest change that I had to adjust to. Bella was mature for her age in more ways than her social skills. She was… _endowed_. And any guy could appreciate how fucking sweet she looked. But I promised not be just any guy for Bella—I wanted to be her guy. And that required locking the motherfucker up in my head so I could stop staring at her chest like I had never seen nice tits before.

That wasn't fair. Bella wasn't a girl you thought about that way. She was pure and innocent and her… breasts… were not just objects that you thought about while in the shower.

_And lest we forget pervert, she's only fucking twelve years old!_

God, I needed therapy over this girl.

No. I needed therapy because I lived in a house with Tanya, the fuck a stump for a dollar whore. Sex and the objects of the body that were directly linked to sex were such desensitized topics in the Masen household that I was terrified of the day Bella actually wanted to try anything with me.

_FUCK! Stop thinking about it!_

I was shaking my head when we reached the ladder. Bella's eyes were wide as she watched me. That look of 'he's fucking crazy' was in her eyes again. She smirked when I shrugged.

I let her go up first. I'd like to be gentleman enough to claim it was for any other reason than so I could stare at her ass, but who would I be kidding.

The girl was very well endowed.

I tapped the pocket of my jacket to make sure her present hadn't fallen out. I took a couple of deep breaths and followed her up. She was sitting on the Cullen side of the tree, watching the end of the fireworks display. Leave it to Carlisle to know a guy who knew a guy who could put on a twenty minute fireworks show just for Bella's birthday.

You had to fucking love Carlisle.

I sat down next to her, our legs touching. She wasn't uncomfortable with touching when we were alone. I shook my head again. Heaven help me when Bella was legal.

"I got a letter in the mail from Renee today," she said, eyes sparkling with the golden lights in the sky. "My cousin is getting married at Christmas and Em and I are invited."

She looked over at me. "The wedding is in Los Angeles...you wanna come?" Her eyebrows rose with the question. She was so fucking cute when she looked at me that way. She was fucking cute when she looked anyway. I nodded, lost in her eyes. I was so fucking whipped and we weren't even legitimately dating.

"Wait," I said confused. "Was I invited?"

She laughed. I got that goofy ass grin on again.

"We're allowed to bring a guest. Besides, mom can't leave work so I'm sure she'd be cool with me getting an older gentleman to escort me." She winked. I think I actually _hee-yucked_.

_Fucking marshmallow mind_.

"Em's bringing Jake along so they can golf, or play some sort of sports. Or some shit…" She turned back to the fireworks and I laughed out loud. No matter how hard I tried to be a bad influence on her it wasn't sticking. Bella tried to pick up my cussing, but it was just comical coming out her mouth.

She stuck out her tongue.

"Well," I snickered, "I suppose we can do some shit too." My turn to wink. We laughed together.

The show ended with a profusion of red, green and golden explosions. The crowd cheered. I could hear Em and Jake whistling. Those two were like the damn hardy boys—like Bella and me, never apart.

It was suddenly really fucking quiet in the darkness.

I leaned over and turned on the boom box. Bella's mixed CD of eighties metal bands was actually soothing for the two of us. Funny, on any other two teenagers this moment would look weird, it just suited us.

"So..." I was starting to have a stage five panic attack as I tried to find the right way to offer her my gift.

"What'd you get today?" Lame. My mouth was dry and my hands were almost as sweaty as my pits.

"Stuff," she said shrugging her little shoulders. "My dad, well Renee, sent me a cool case for my phone and some rollerblades."

I cocked my eyebrow at that. Bella wasn't coordinated enough for inline skates. She nodded in agreement with my look.

"I think she wants us to be in a roller-gang next summer. I will proceed to sell them on EBAY next week."

I laughed. God, Bella always made me laugh. How did I survive all that shit before I had her big green eyes to distract me… right, I had her letters. I put my hands in my pockets.

Now or never.

"Umm..." I cleared my throat. "I kinda got you something… it's no big… if you don't want it… Fuck."

I shoved the box in her hand and cast my eyes in the opposite direction. I was sure my heart was going to fucking gallop down the street.

"Really?" she whispered. She was silent after that. I could hear her pulling the ribbon open—it was a light sage green color, to match her eyes. Then I held my breath as I heard the lid lift and the air slip inside the box.

"Edward," she breathed. I turned to see her face.

Everything stopped.

Bella's face was glowing, her cheeks rosy. Her mouth was in a little surprised 'o' and her eyes were dancing with joy.

"Do you like it?" I whispered.

Those joyful eyes met mine and I went right pass goofy and straight into totally fucked. I tried to swallow against the hard knot in my throat. My breathing was deeper now for a whole other fucking reason. I could feel parts of my body waking up for the first time.

We sat there, kind of in a trance or some shit, for a long moment. I was drowning in her eyes.

"I love it," she mouthed. Maybe there was sound behind the words. I was lost in the luscious shape of her lips—too fucking far gone to be able to hear anything, other than the sound of my heart.

I wanted to ask her more about what she liked. I wanted to say anything. And I also really wanted to get the fuck out of the room—too chicken shit to follow through with what I really wanted to do.

Somehow I leaned in closer to her. I gave up on trying to look at anything but her lips. They were red and full and they were slightly parted. My mind was mush when I saw her little tongue dart out and lick them.

_Fuck_!

I wanted to be that tongue. Bella's breath seemed to be coming as fast as mine through those mesmerizing lips.

I felt my body going hard all over when she took her bottom lip between her teeth. It wasn't my first hard-on but it was my first one related to Bella. Some part of my mind knew how totally fucking wrong it was to think of her that way. But the majority of my mind belonged to a fourteen year old guy. The raging fucking hormones told me to think about it more. I kind of half whimpered half groaned as my body kept leaning slowly closer to her.

She sat perfectly still. It felt like there was no sound or air in the space around us.

I felt like I was drawn to Bella's mouth because she was my only hope of survival. Maybe she had some air reserved in her little lungs that she could share with me. I thought about her lungs, in her chest, and my dick twitched as I remembered she had a nice fucking rack.

That thought disgusted me. My girlfriend wasn't some piece of meat. But then the hormones in my mind found possibilities in fucking a piece of meat too.

Totally fucked.

My breaths were hard and shaky as I inched closer to her face.

In a moment of panic I flashed my eyes to hers. I suddenly realized that maybe Bella didn't feel the same way. I wouldn't force her to kiss me if she was repulsed by the idea. And yet, I couldn't stop. I practically pleaded with my eyes for her to just let me do it this once.

I didn't have to beg.

Bella's eyes were warm and inviting. Her face was flushed—so fucking cute. And I could tell her breaths were as labored as mine. I took that as a 'yes' and moved in closer. When our faces were close enough that our breaths mingled in the air and I couldn't really look Bella in the eye directly anymore my brain went dead.

So completely fucked.

I was going to have wet dreams about this moment for a very fucking long time.

Then I was frozen in place. Her breath was sweet on my face. The moment was so goddamn perfect. So innocent. So pure. So right. But I couldn't force the hormonal asshole in me to continue. I was panicking in the back of my mind. My pants were ready to burst with the fucking anticipation and I think I actually heard Bella whimper while she waited.

_Fuck_.

But I didn't have to wait for long. My girlfriend didn't wait around for motherfuckers to open doors for her. She was a hands on kind of girl.

Bella leaned in minutely and our lips touched.

The whole fucking universe stopped.

My mind had to restart. My heart jumped and missed a beat. My lungs were dormant. I was drowning in Bella and all we were doing was touching smooth closed lips.

I think I lived an eternity in that moment. When my mind started working again and my lungs started gasping for air I made to pull away. I was going to suffocate if I didn't.

It was my first kiss. I knew it was Bella's too. I didn't know how to handle it. What else was appropriate for us to do? How far it was okay to explore? I pulled away far enough to take a deep breath and collect these thoughts together before proceeding.

Bella didn't give a fuck. She followed me and the force of her attack sent me on to my back with her on top of me. Her lips were crushed on mine and her little arms were snaked around my neck.

I was still mid breath so my mouth was open when hers came back. She sucked my top lip in between hers and that forced her sinful bottom lip in to my mouth.

Bella's knee innocently rubbed against my throbbing crotch as she deepened the kiss and I groaned all deep and fucking sexy. My hands grabbed her hips to keep her from a repeat performance before I did something really fucking stupid.

I was gone again as my teeth nipped at her lip and I sucked the skin between my lips. It was her turn to groan...really fucking sexy.

My dick twitched again.

_Fuck_.

I was starting to come back to myself through the layers of hormonal psychosis. I didn't know what we were doing but it felt a little too damn real for me to deal with. I didn't want to hurt Bella. I didn't want to take this shit too far. I planted a hard kiss against her lips and pulled back.

Bella's eyes were all hooded and lusty and I knew mine were probably three shades past that. I could feel her nipples poking against my chest and I focused on the mud in the corner of the roof.

_MUD_.

Not how good she felt in my arms.

_MUD_.

Not that she probably wouldn't protest if I pushed us a little further.

_MUD_.

My breathing was returning to normal.

_MUD_.

Bella was slowing her breaths down too.

_MUD_.

I looked back at her again.

_Fuck she was so young, how could I ever imagine to go there… MUD_.

"Thanks, again," she whispered. She kissed my cheek.

_MUD_.

I nodded in response, closing my eyes against the torture.

_MUD_.

"Best birthday ever," she said smiling down at me.

_MUD_.

She pulled the necklace out of the box and put it on. It was a little weird, I guess. I knew a guy on the res in La Push who could carve just about anything out of stone. I picked out the bronze stone with the golden highlights to match my hair and eyes. Then I sketched the apple with the flames inside—a marriage of the first and last postcards that I'd sent her. He made an exact replica in less than a week.

She fingered the stone in the space between us.

"Only the best for my Bella," I said. She smiled.

_MUD_.

We lay there for the rest of the night. Just talking and staring and me thinking about mud. It was nice. It was confusing and it was motherfucking memorable.


	7. A Hazy Shade of Winter

**Bookends By: Bella's Executioner.**

**Rating: M- this means if you're under 16 you are agreeing to break your own ToS by reading this and I'm not your mother so be responsible for yourself.**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is the sole owner of the world of Twilight. She is Bella's creator. I am Bella's Executioner.**

**A/N: Bookends is the very first fanfiction I started writing. It's been on this site, moved and come back. It has errors, fuck ups and lots of proofs that I'm human but it also has all of my heart and soul in it. I welcome you into this world of pain and love and hope that you enjoy. I also welcome your thoughts as you read—pm me or review and I'll be happy to discuss the story with you.**

**Chapter 7: Hazy Shade of Winter**

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**EPOV (Los Angeles, Roosevelt Hotel, December 31, 2004)**

I was standing in the corner, fucking praying that Renee didn't find me again. I pulled on my tie for the tenth time in the last five minutes. Who was I fucking kidding! I didn't belong here.

Bella was M.I.A. As one of the bridesmaids she was under detention for the last twenty four hours and I wouldn't be able to see her until exactly eight forty-five tonight when she was relinquished from her duties.

The whole situation just fucking blew. We made the plans for Alice, Jake and I to tag along on the trip when our families got together for Thanksgiving. The wedding was set for New Year's Eve and we were all looking forward to blowing off the event to hang out in L.A. for three days. But Bella got the call on Christmas Eve that she was needed to fill in as a bridesmaid for a last minute cancellation. There went the damn wrench into the motherfucking plans.

Not only did she have to just _make do_, as Renee had said every second since we arrived yesterday, she was going to be the center of much undesired attention. Bella hated being on display. She hated this side of her family with a passion. And her cousin, Lauren, hated _her_ which made it a strained situation to say the fucking least.

I caught a glimpse of the flower girl running down the hall and saw a profusion of pink ruffles.

Fuck. I was going to be on damage control all night long.

_Pink... Ruffles... Fucking Pink ruffles? Poor Bella_.

Alice waltzed into the lobby in one of her original creations. She was horrified that Bella was being forced to wear something _off the rack_. I had only worn her tux because of the indignation that she was feeling over the simple designs of the quaint wedding. I really didn't give a flying fuck what I wore.

"Have you seen the boys?" she asked glaring at me like I had something to do with their disappearance.

"Really?" I asked, scowling at her. She sighed. The dynamic duo had been conveniently missing since we touched down at LAX. They promised to come to the wedding, but they weren't on the Bella support committee like Alice and I were. So I doubted we'd see their fucking ugly mugs until tomorrow for the trip home.

_Bastards_.

"Bastards," Alice whispered. Spooky. The more time I spent around Bella, the more time I spent around Alice. We were starting to like the same things, and I was actually starting to understand her views on arguments. The minute our monthlies lined up I was getting the fuck out of Forks.

"Have you seen her?" she whined. I shook my head.

"I saw the hair. What the hell Lauren is thinking with those damn fairy crowns I'll never understand. It's so _Sweet Sixteen_ meets _Legend_."

_Damn, I actually understood that reference—thanks a lot Friday movie nights with Bella. I'd have to check into a clinic to have this vagina removed before Jazz found out about it._

That reminded me, "have you heard from Jazz this morning?"

_Please God, let this distract her and lead her into the temptation of cell phone usage that will keep me from discovering the secrets of the ya-ya sisterhood!_

"Damn!" She trotted off through the front door to call him.

_Lucky bastard_.

He got to be at home, not wearing some monkey suit. And I was here, completely whipped. I caught another glimpse of pink, the pepto variety this time.

_Really?_

I recognized the arm as she disappeared around the staircase behind the elevators.

"Bella," I whispered as I followed her. I could hear her crying. Bella wasn't a pretty crier. I didn't trust people who were. Tears were symbols of pain. Pain wasn't fucking pretty.

"Edward," her voice croaked. "Don't look at me!" she screeched.

I stopped at the edge of the staircase. Bella was hidden in the shadow under the stairs like she was the hunchback of Los Angeles.

"It can't be all that bad. I've seen Jacob wearing Alice's dresses before...at least you have a nice body."

She giggled. I could hear her blow her nose.

"Though, I have to admit, Jake has a certain flair for carrying off the pieces regardless of his broad shoulders and thick ankles."

She laughed harder. That made me smile. I liked it when I could make her smile. Sometimes it seemed like I was the only one who could. I liked that thought even more.

"It's not just that I look hideous," she explained. "It's that Lauren's friend who had to back out was a hundred pounds heavier than me. The seamstress can't take the dress in anymore than she already has and everyone just keeps asking me why I'm wearing a different dress than the other girls."

I nodded. This was obviously a girl thing. I sent Alice away too soon. The problem sounded distressing to Bella, but I couldn't figure out what the fuck was making her cry.

I tried to be tactful. I did care about this girl after all.

"So...?" I shook my head. That's all I had.

"Edward!" She was exasperated with me and I hadn't said two words. "I'm the biggest fucking laughing stock to every one of those assholes in there."

I was proud that the swearing was finally used professionally but pissed at the emotion and the statement. I balled my fists as I let her rant continue.

"My grandmother, she keeps saying that she's amazed that the dress is loose at all. She actually told me, to my face, that she remembered me fatter. And Lauren, all Lauren can say is she can't believe my mom could afford the plane ticket for Em and me to fly out here in the first place. My dad doesn't even look at me. Renee wants to make secret diaries and put hot pink streaks in my hair. And every single fucking pair of eyes on me is _judging me_!" Her voice was shaky and she sniffed at a fresh wave of tears.

My knuckles were fucking white and my vision was red. I'd kill every last fucker in that room for making her feel this way.

"Oh," she said, that hint of fucking irony in her voice. I was glad I didn't know what Lauren looked like—I'd hunt the bitch down right now.

"And Renee is pregnant."

The air was sucked out of the room.

_Shit_.

Like Bella needed to compete with one more fucker for attention from that prick.

"And it's a girl."

The pain in that last part broke my fucking heart. Bella was sobbing now. Those gut wrenching fucking sobs that punched you in the chest.

I didn't give a shit if she wanted to be alone. She could be alone later. I followed the sound of her voice and took her in my arms. She buried her face on my shoulder. She had an elaborate head dress of dried flowers, sprigs of grass and lacy ribbons fucking duct taped to her head.

Seriously, it was fucking glued in place. And her hair was stiff from two cans of _Aqua Net_. I was pissed anew. This wasn't my Bella. This was the dressed up, fucked up girl that they paraded around to make fun of. I wrapped my arms around her as tight as I could.

Her little body shook with the force of her tears. I wanted to punch something. I wanted to punch her dad. I needed to hide her away from these awful people and protect her from their judging eyes. But I knew Bella. Leaving now would just be worse in her eyes. It would send some message that she was weak and they could win. She'd rather march back in there and stand with her head held high and cry later in private. She'd never just…

"Let's blow this shit and go get fucked up."

My mind was frozen at the words. It was Bella's voice. And I felt her sobs subsiding as she said it. But it wasn't my Bella talking. And what the fuck did this imposter mean by _get fucked up_?

"Bella…" I was at a loss. I would do anything in the world to make that ache in her voice go away. But running and doing something really fucking stupid when we were both extreme minors, wouldn't do anything but delay the pain. I knew that better than anyone.

"Ben and Jerry's and a movie fest back in our room. Walk around Griffith Park until midnight. Lift wine coolers from Em's secret stash and pretend I'm not a light weight. _Please _Edward."

I was shaking my head before light weight.

"Please…" she whispered. As I shook my head again, I was caught off guard by the warm soft lips waiting for me.

Bella and I had only kiss twice since that fateful kiss on her birthday. Both times were awkward and stiff—neither of us enjoying it quite as much as we had in the tree house, alone in the dark. But we were hidden in the shadows again. And my body was really ready to enjoy it this time.

Bella smelled delicious. She was heather and raindrops and I could taste her salty tears on her lips. I took her bottom lip into my mouth and she sort of fucking whimpered.

Completely fucked.

My hands that were around her in comfort now spread wide to explore and caress. Her hands slipped from my neck to my hair. I sucked on her lip. She tasted good. She kind of half jumped half writhed against me when my hands slid over her ass.

I groaned.

She moaned.

And I was totally fucked.

I pulled away before my body could enjoy it so much the hotel room would be my only destination—specifically the shower.

_MUD_.

Our breaths were deep as we kept our distance from the temptation.

"Bella, I don't want you doing something you'll regret." In all honesty I couldn't live with myself if I ever made Bella feel the way these assholes did.

She laughed, empty and sarcastic.

"Then you shouldn't have let come here at all. Matter of fact, you shouldn't have let my parents have me in the first place. My whole life is one big fucking regret."

I wanted to scold her for saying that like it was the truth. I could never regret Bella being born... Bella saved me.

She was the light at the end of my tunnel. Without her...my life would cease to have meaning.

But, it was hypocritical coming from a dick like me, I know. I hated how easily the slurs were dripping from her disdaining tongue. But I would be the first one to say my life was expendible. Other than protecting my baby brother...what good had I done by being born?

"Okay," I said quietly. "Let's go find Alice and..."

"No need," said a tiny, hard as steel little voice behind us.

_Fuck_. _How much had she seen?_

"You wanna explain to me why you were all over her Edward?" Alice sounded like she had Vice on call and was stalling to keep me from running before they got here.

"She's no saint either."

_What the fuck was that! My defense was to throw my girl in front of the bus_—_total fucking prick_.

"He's right, Alice. He's my boyfriend you do a helluva lot worst with Jasper."

_Shit_. _My girl was flipping a bitch today. Maybe I should take her to Renee. She'd be mad at me, but she'd get over and no one would get hurt. Then again, I understood the need for release better than anyone. And if I were with her, at least I could protect her._

"Bella, our brothers are off starting shit all over town. Your family is getting ready to celebrate a marriage and you want to ruin your cousin's day by getting shit faced, at the age of _twelve_ in this god forsaken city!"

_Hell yes_.

"Fuck off Alice." I spat. I'd keep her safe. I knew where we could score some shit—I saw it in Em's bag.

"No," she screeched. Bella was tense and ready to fight in my arms. I patted her back to reassure her that if it came to that I'd take out the pixie bitch.

"Not unless you take me with you."

Well that was unexpected but I couldn't argue with it. Now for an excuse…

Bella was three steps ahead of me.

"Alice," she said. She shoved me out of her arms and started making a gagging sound. I could see in the faint light of the hallway that she was sticking her finger down her throat. My girl was a regular fucking juvenile delinquent. She gagged again. I was feeling queasy now myself. On the third try she struck pay dirt and I could smell and hear the bile hit the floor.

_Classy_.

"Go tell Renee that I'm sick. And Edward is taking me to my room. Tell her that Em and Jake are going to check in with us and that she doesn't have to worry about anything."

Alice giggled and flitted off to ensure our alibi. Bella was using the train of her dress to wipe her face. It stunk but I couldn't help but smile.

"What?" she said. We had been standing in the dark long enough that my eyes had adjusted. I could see her pretty well in the darkness. And she did look hideous. I snickered.

"I'm just wondering if you've got that hobbit with the ring yet, or not."

She punched my arm, rather well for a girl. But she was laughing too. I kind of wanted to pick up where we left off before Alice came in but she shook her head at the look—puke was a kiss killer.

Alice hooted like an owl at the base of the stairs.

_Fucking drama queen. _

I took Bella's hand in mine and I hoped we weren't making a really big fucking mistake.

**-**- Bookends-**-**

Everything was feeling pretty damn good by the time we finished the joint.

Alice and Bella had never had the experience of pot before—no big surprise there. Alice was just lying in the corner staring at her hand. Fucking light weight at everything. Bella was sitting in front of the mirror—again. I was kicked back on the sofa, feeling fucking high. It wasn't much different than how I felt when I kissed Bella.

"Where do you think he gets this stuff…" Bella's voice was all airy and mumbly as she watched her self repeat the word _stuff_ in the mirror. This shit wasn't even that strong. She looked so cute all fucked up. I laid my head back on the sofa and closed my eyes.

"Edward," she said slapping my knee as she sat across my lap. "I asked you a question." Her little face, though fuzzy and kind of dreamy looking, was indignant and fucking adorable. It felt good to have her sitting on me like that too.

"What was it?" I honestly couldn't remember. I was too busy focusing on her fucking amazing tits.

Bella grabbed my chin and forced me to look in her eyes.

"Why aren't you kissing me?"

_Oh, was that what she asked?_ That was simple enough to answer. I shoved my lips against hers and groaned when she thrust her warm tongue into my mouth. I was lucid enough to know to stop this shit before we took it too far. But I was stoned enough to want to do bad things.

My tongue massaged hers. She moaned and I was rock fucking hard from the sound. Bella pulled back enough to tease me with her hot breath and nothing else. She looked down. I got as far as her chest. She giggled. My head went even more shit-faced at the sound. I smiled as I reached out and did something I had wanted to do since that morning I got into her bed.

I grabbed Bella's breasts in my hands.

Then I froze.

I looked up at her face with wide fucking eyes. But of course, my Bella was a trooper. She just giggled again and that made me squeeze. They felt soft. I was fucking loopy at the sensation of touching them. She kissed me and pulled away again. My eyes never left my motionless hands squeezed around her breasts. I felt like giggling myself.

I was so completely fucked.

We sat like that for a few minutes. She'd plant a wet hot kiss on my lips and pull back to look down again. I never moved my hands or my eyes. Then Bella killed the buzz and snapped me the fuck back to my senses when she rubbed my erection with her hand.

I shot up off the couch and held her arms tight in my hands till she caught her footing.

"What the fuck!" she said, looking at me like she didn't understand.

"Go take a shower, Bella."

I was suddenly some thirty year sober dad. The drug induced euphoria disappeared at the thought of Bella wanting to have sex. I wasn't some pity fuck and she wasn't an adult who knew what she was doing. In the corner Alice sat up, coming down from her high too.

Bella's face went all sad and heart breaking again.

_Fuck_.

I was no better than all those other people who rejected her.

"Hey..." I grabbed her face between my hands. I put the severity of my emotions for her in my eyes. "I want you too, but we're way too young and not when we're so fucked we don't know what we're doing."

That was the best I could do.

Bella shook her head. She tried to smooth the hurt from her face. But I could see it in the edges of her eyes. When she got back from the bathroom she'd be reserved and I'd lose another forward advance in the Bella battle. It was impossible to never be hurt by the people you loved. But I wasn't giving up on her like they did. I'd show her someday.

She walked into the bathroom on shaky legs. I could hear the tears flowing before she slammed the door. I turned to Alice and she went in to help her and comfort her. I sat on the couch with my head in my hands.

What the fuck had I done? I showed Bella all the wrong ways to deal with this shit. I pushed her and then denied her. I was a fucking monster. But what could I do? Sex seemed so fucking impossible—she wasn't even a teenager. I couldn't hurt her and fuck her up that way. Tanya was fucking guys at twelve, but Tanya was never pure like my Bella.

And I'd be goddamned if I was going to let Bella end up like that skank of a mother.

I took Bella's place at the mirror and stared the motherfucker down.

_I'd keep her safe_. _Fucking prick!_

I sighed. Bella came out of the bathroom with wet hair and a red face. She didn't look at me. She just got into the bed and went to sleep. Alice lay down on the couch and followed suit. I checked them occasionally to make sure the pot didn't have side affects on them.

_Fuck!_ _I gave it to them! Keep her safe! From what—from shit head monsters like me?_

Every now and then in her sleep Bella's breath would hitch and a whimper would escape her lips. I was suddenly extremely tired. I crawled into the bed beside her. Just to rest. I wouldn't even touch her.

But her little body was drawn to the warmth and soon she was snuggling in to my embrace. She smelled so fucking good and she was so fucking warm.

She sighed when she put her face in the crook of my neck. I buried my face in her hair and passed out.

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**BPOV**

"I'LL BREAK YOUR FUCKING FACE!" Emmett was bellowing. I shot up in bed at the sound. That threat from those lips was not something you took lightly.

Edward was being pulled off the bed by my massive big brother. Em socked Edward's eye once before I could put myself between them.

"What in the hell are you doing!" I screamed in his face. Edward's nose was bleeding and his eye was a purplish black.

_Shit_.

"What the fuck are you doing!" he yelled. I glared at him. He was off with his best bud all day and had no right.

"You first," I said condescendingly while throwing a glance at Jacob. Jake blushed and turned to his little sister to make sure she wasn't debauched.

For the first time Alice caught on to the innuendo. She looked from her brother to mine with big eyes.

Jake just flopped down on the couch and didn't make eye contact with anyone. Em was seething above me—but now he was pissed for a whole different reason.

"Fucking judge someone else today Emmett. It was your fucking pot. And your fucking responsibility to look after me."

Em's eyes were hard and wide at the mention of the drugs.

_Shit_.

Then all at once he dropped it and stood up. He was simmering in hate but he wasn't going to do anything about it. Tit for tat my brother and me.

He sat down on the couch next to Jake and did something he never would have done in mixed company before. He put his hand on Jake's knee, not just as a friend. And when Jake put his head on Em's shoulder, I felt a pang of jealousy. Emmett had kept his secret for years and now that he was challenged he just flaunted it in the open like it didn't bother him. At least where the three of us were concerned. But I had this black shit deep inside of me that I had to keep repressing or the people that I loved, like Edward, would just push me away again.

Edward was lying on the floor, holding his nose up to stop the bleeding. He looked at the boys from the corner of his eye. He didn't look the slightest bit shocked. I glared at his casualness. He just shrugged.

"Please," he said. "Emmett loves fashion and Jake looks killer in a dress."

Emmett actually chuckled at that. Jake nodded in agreement to the dress comment.

"Who didn't know they were gay?"

Alice raised her hand with big eyes and a lost look on her face. I just laughed along with my brother, his boyfriend and my mangled… _whatever he was to me_. For someone who knew everything about everything, sometimes Alice could be so fucking clueless.


	8. A Rock Feels No Pain

**Bookends By: Bella's Executioner.**

**Rating: M- this means if you're under 16 you are agreeing to break your own ToS by reading this and I'm not your mother so be responsible for yourself.**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is the sole owner of the world of Twilight. She is Bella's creator. I am Bella's Executioner.**

**A/N: Bookends is the very first fanfiction I started writing. It's been on this site, moved and come back. It has errors, fuck ups and lots of proofs that I'm human but it also has all of my heart and soul in it. I welcome you into this world of pain and love and hope that you enjoy. I also welcome your thoughts as you read—pm me or review and I'll be happy to discuss the story with you.**

**Chapter 8: A rock feels no pain**

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**EPOV (Cullen house three years later, 2007)**

"What do you think, Edward?" Carlisle squared his shoulders and stared at me over his cards.

_Fuck_. He was hard to read.

I was pretty fucking sure he was bluffing. But the old man had some tricky shit up his sleeve. I traded two cards in my own bluff. I didn't have shit. And with the two worthless cards that Jake dealt me in exchange I was further fucked.

I shrugged and raised him five bucks. He smirked and threw his cards down.

"I'm out," he said with a smile. I laughed and turned his cards over to find two pairs.

Damn, he would have beat me.

I flashed him my fucked up hand and he threw his head back to laugh. For some reason he still found it hilarious when I got away with tricking him.

It was a technique I had been perfecting the fuck out of for a few years now—lying to Carlisle. It burned like fucking acid when I did it, but I had the antidote to sooth the fire.

Bella.

Alice collected the cards and started shuffling the next hand. Jake was texting Emmett.

"Tell him to join us next time," Carlisle said slapping his son on the shoulder. Jake smiled and punched his dad on the arm as he left the table to call Emmett in privacy. He didn't have to hide anything from Carlisle. He just preferred to talk to his boyfriend in private.

_Fucking lucky bastard_.

I shook my head as Alice dealt the five cards around the table. For three years Jazz and I had become just two additions to the Cullen household. The good doctor even told us that the adoption papers were in the works any time we wanted to make it fucking official. Carlisle opened his doors and his fucking bleeding heart to us without any conditions.

But I knew there were unspoken shit-ass rules that would shut those doors too fast when I fucked up. When we all got back from our trip to sunny California we didn't have any explaining to do. My nose was black and blue and the girls kept jumping any time someone said the word _high_ but none of the adults had any clue about our juvenile delinquent holiday.

Like I said, I was really fucking good at lying to Carlisle. Jake came out to his dad that night when we got home. Just fucking stood in the entryway and told him.

"Dad, I'm in love with Emmett Swan and I want have a sex change operation someday."

You had to fucking admire the guy. All guts. No fucking brains. He didn't even let Carlisle take off his coat. I guess when the rush of determination takes over you just have to follow it's lead before you cop out...like me.

And then you had to just fucking love Carlisle. He just finished taking off his coat, threw his arm around his son's shoulders and talked to him. Just let his son talk to him and he just fucking listened.

Some pit in hell was burning brighter that night with the poison from Edward Masen senior's blood. It would've been nice to have a dad to just fucking talk to.

But then half of what I would talk about would be how my dad used to fucking beat me.

"I'm all in," Alice's little voice was high pitched with excitement. I fucking rolled my eyes at Jazz and threw my cards down. He and Carlisle followed suit and we all laughed at Alice's frown.

Jazz was all sweet and fucking whipped as he explained.

"Alice, remember when we talked about bluffing… and not giving away how good your cards are?" I had to cover my face to hide the motherfucking chuckle that burst from my lungs at the sight of his face. The boy had it pretty fucking bad.

"But all I had was a two threes," Alice said all sad like.

_Fuck me_, _the girl was actually trying to play hard ball_.

"Well," Carlisle looked stunned and all fucking proud.

"Touché." He threw his head back and roared with fucking laughter all over again.

You couldn't help but join in. But then that burn was in my throat again. Alice and Jazz had perfected their charade around the good doctor too. All of us motherfucking teenagers around this house were trying our hands at misbehaving.

It was time for me to look the bitch as my ass vibrated from Bella's call.

I collected my winnings and headed up to my room.

"Later bitches!" I shouted. Carlisle's sigh of silent disapproval was loss in the sound of my feet taking the stairs two at a time.

One of these days I was going to fucking have it out with my roommates over my living arrangements. The third floor was never meant to be a room for a fucking person. Alice's studio could completely fucking fit in the attic loft. I hated trudging up the stairway to fucking heaven just to be in the privacy of my own room.

_Fuck_. I was completely out of breath by the time I reached my room.

"Hey," I said all fucking heavy and breathless.

_Great_. I had _finally_ lived down the time she caught me jerking off after one of our make out sessions and I had to fucking answer the phone sounding like I was half way there again.

"Poker night finished?" You had to fucking love my Bella. Nothing seemed to bother that girl-even though I knew just about everything bothered her under the surface.

"Yeah," I could hear her breath blowing into the mouth piece.

_Fuck_. I wanted to feel it on my skin. I actually fucking nuzzled the phone—I couldn't rib Jazz too fucking hard about being Alice's bitch, I was a motherfucking slave for Bella.

She giggled quietly.

_Totally fucked_.

I closed my eyes and smiled, real fucking goofy like.

"You heading over?" Now my voice really was heavy for that other reason. It was the glorious fucking thing about raging teenage hormones—they made you feel pretty fucking good.

"Soon," her breaths were growing a little shallow as she spoke.

_Totally fucked_.

"What did Alice say about the weather?" Her voice was kind of husky and it made me grab my crotch as I listened to her.

_Fuck_! This girl was going to turn me into a motherfucking circus freak! She wasn't even talking dirty.

"Oh," my voice broke as I tried to regain control.

"She said it would be…"

_Fuck_! _I forgot. _

_MUD_.

I shook my head. Bella's breath was still tickling my ear through the phone.

_MUD_.

"She said it would a little chilly but not too bad."

I stifled a groan as Bella pushed yet another right button.

"Well thank God I'll have someone to keep me warm."

_Fuck_.

I started beating my head against the wall behind me. She hung up and threw the phone on my couch. I sighed one big fucking heavy sigh and dragged my disgusting ass to the shower.

The one fucking high note of having the loft was the private bathroom. I knew better than to think that with four men in the house Alice hadn't heard the grunts and groans associated with male self servicing in the shower. But the very fucking idea of my little cousin walking in on me masturbating was just too fucking much. Bella's innocent discovery had been one thing—she kind of stared at me all aroused and shit. In fact I all but went straight back to finishing when she finally ran out of the room.

But then Bella never hid her desire for a more physical relationship from me.

I turned on the water and stripped down. As I lathered my self up I let my mind wonder over my totally fucked up relationship with the girl next door. Bella and I were two lost puppies just clinging to each other for support. I was pretty damn fucked up—I didn't really know how much but I was pretty fucking positive that I wasn't a normal guy. Bella was a spoiled little shit—goddamn daddy's issue girls.

I groaned and pressed my hand harder against the wall. I really shouldn't be entertaining any kind of relationship with that Swan bitch.

It was fucking hilarious. Every single person who knew us would point to me if asked which one was the trouble maker. They knew I came from shit. They knew I didn't give a shit about what the fuck people thought about me either. But no one would ever guess that little girl on my arm was the hard core rebel.

It was cute at first—Bella's wild streak. It started that afternoon. I made the biggest fucking mistake in my life. I let Bella see that I was totally hers. Whatever she wanted to do. Whatever fucking lunatic idea popped into her head. I was there for her. If she wanted to get drunk I scored the liquor and I came up with the alibi. If she wanted to skip school I had the car. If she didn't want to get grounded, I took the wrap.

It was fucking degrading but I was willing to do it… for her.

See, everyone who looked in to my eyes saw that beat down motherfucker. They saw the clenched fists of the little prick that had to fight against his own fucking parents for sanity. They saw the shame of a little bastard who didn't have a real home and family until he was fourteen years old.

And when those same fucking people looked in Bella's eyes they saw a shy princess. They saw the quirky girl who just kept to her antisocial self. The girl who had everything.

But when I looked into Bella's eyes…

_Fuck, Bella's eyes_.

My breaths became pants as my strokes deepened.

When I looked into Bella's big green eyes I saw the girl that was two steps away from becoming me. I saw the pain of not feeling fucking worth anything. And I saw the bitterness that was going to push her to those extremes no matter what the fuck tried to stop her.

So I said _fuck it_. That day I let that part of me that wanted to be with Bella anyway just take the fucking lead. If Bella wanted to get wasted at least she would be safe with me around. I'd clean up her mess. I'd be there to fucking catch her when she fell. And in return I got to hold her in my arms every fucking night.

My eyes were fucking rolling back inside my head as I thought about how she felt lying next to me in our tree house. So fucking warm and perfect. My face contorted as I released and slammed my forehead against the cold tile wall of the shower in an effort to catch my breath.

I was heaving and sweaty and I let the warm water wash the shit away.

It was pretty fucked up, what I was doing with Bella. But then she fucking used me to. She never gave all of herself to anything. I didn't fucking know if Bella even consciously realized that she did that. She always pulled away. I could see it in her fucking eyes. The fear—the one that told her she'd get hurt.

I couldn't fucking blame her. All of us motherfuckers were terrified of getting hurt. But it's one of the reasons I dicked around with her the way I did.

_Literally_.

Sure I fucking let our relationship move up to the next level. I even went along with her letting me touch her under her shirt. But that's where it fucking stopped. I'd take off my shirt and I grab her tits when it felt good. But we never did more than touch and suck face.

Sex was fucking off limits.

It started out as a chivalry thing. Some dead part of me was trying to be noble or some shit. Of course at the time she was only twelve. But now she was a full-fledged fucking hormone driven fifteen year old and she had a fucking sex drive that was going to drive me insane. But that was my Trump card. See, Bella might have me so fucking whipped that I smell my clothes when I get home so that I feel like she still with me, but I held on to her pretty fucking hard too. Bella fucking wanted it. Since that day that I told her 'no' it was like some goddamn crusade for her to fuck me.

It got harder the older we got. I was really fucking invested in Bella. I didn't really even notice any other girls. There were plenty of girls—all of them fucking throwing themselves at the doctor's boys, even Jake. But they were all vapid fucking morons next to my Bella. And it was harder because she was so fucking sexy without even trying. Bella had a body that made me go fucking hard by just…

_Fucking Christ_!

I lathered up a second time and tried to stop thinking about Bella. My dick was going to fall off from all the attention.

I tried to not think about her hair. She had cut it short and dyed it midnight black. But it was still silky smooth and it smelled really fucking good every night against my nose. It was soft just like her and just like her it was a fucking lie on the outside.

On the outside Bella was some slutty minx that would be fucking incredible to bang. I was whimpering as my loose hand clawed at the wall. She had fucking amazing tits. They were perfectly proportioned for my big hands. And she had a tiny fucking waist. My strokes were fucking aggressive as I thought of her perfectly rounded little ass.

I collapsed against the wall once more.

_Totally fucked_.

From the outside Bella's matured little body screamed _FUCK ME_. And my body fucking wanted nothing more than to do just that. But it was all I had. When she kissed me out of hurt over something her daddy said to her. Or when she was belligerently bitchy with me because she knew she could be. I knew that I would get her back the second she started to go too far. When I could feel her heat soaking through her thick jeans. When her tongue was diving so fucking far into my throat that I was thrusting against her out of instinct. I knew that when she whimpered into my throat and cocked her hips up against my hand, fucking begging for me to do it, that I would be able to smile and pull away.

It was fucking wrong. But then there was so much about us that was. I finished cleaning myself in the shower and got dressed before more thoughts of Bella jump started my libido again.

I brought the demo CD that Jazz and me put together last month. She was such a fucking hypocrite. I'd wanted to steal her writing for some time now and get it fucking published. She made the mistake of falling asleep while writing one night and I read it. She was a fucking poet—no a fucking insightful and witty writer.

So I thought I'd be sly and get one of her short stories published in a magazine or some shit. Alice was all for helping me. But then Bella found out and fucking blew a fuse. It wasn't our worst fight but it was pretty damn close.

She hit me.

She screamed at me. And she set fire to some of my old postcards. The girl was pretty fucked up. And I wasn't any real support. I just let her do it. Let that shit just pour out of her. She never showed the anger around anyone but me. As someone with a hell of a lot of anger to work through I was a little fucking honored that she would share hers with me. I didn't see any reason to challenge that. And I didn't see any reason to include the motherfuckers that made her feel this angry either.

She came around eventually. That was just the think about Bella and me, we couldn't fucking be without each other.

I put the idea of trying to get her writing noticed to rest. But then she snuck the dagger into my fucking back by having Alice and Jazz scheme to get my music circulating the conservatory circuit. Bella claimed it was to get me a leg up at being accepted to a music school when I graduated. That was so fucking low on my list of priorities in life right now. But she wanted me to follow that dream with some unreal fucking passion.

It was so fucking Bella. She never admitted to having any plans for her own future, but she wanted me to have what I wanted and she wanted it so fucking obsessively that I had no choice but to want it too. That shit really didn't matter to me anymore. I didn't want to do anything if I didn't have a promise of Bella beside me.

_Totally FUCKED_.

I stopped when I was ten feet away from the tree house. She was leaning against the trunk with that lazy fucking smile.

_MUD_.

She was going to be a butt load of trouble tonight. And though the twice around in the shower was nice to take the fucking edge off, it was acting more like lighter fluid for the slow burn that I fucking had for the girl in front of me.

_MUD_.

She pushed off of the tree and ambled over to me.

_MUD_.

She looked really fucking sexy when she walked that way—hell I was a seventeen year old guy, she looked fucking sexy moving in any way.

_MUD_.

She stopped close enough to mix her breath with mine in the December air.

I looked down in to her gorgeous sage colored eyes.

_Totally fucked_!

"Hey," she breathed. I nodded, too far gone to speak. I leaned down and kissed her lips sweetly.

_Fuck she tasted good. _

_MUD._

"Come on," I said and threw my arm around her shoulders. We headed up to our sanctuary.

Totally fucked up and lost but somehow right in all the wrong ways.

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**BPOV (two nights later at the Cullen house)**

It felt so good to be free for one night. Edward was relaxed back on the chair and I cuddled up in his arms. The alcohol was burning the ache away just like it always did. I couldn't focus on any one thought for longer than a second.

It was really fucking nice.

Edward was humming my song absentmindedly as he watched the others playing cards. We weren't playing cards.

I was tired of joining in with the crowd.

Lucky for me, Edward was always more willing to do whatever I wanted rather than what everyone else was doing.

I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed his throat. I could feel his skin pull tight with his big smile. He always liked it when I kissed him.

I smiled as the wicked thoughts started saturating my mind. Before I knew it I was acting on those thoughts. I licked and sucked his skin.

He groaned. It made me all hot and wet when he did that.

His hands were on my hips. They drifted down to my ass and grabbed me hard. I bit his flesh under his jaw.

He groaned again.

"Fuck Bella," he hissed. I could tell he was enjoying this just as much as I was. I thrust my hips across his lap in a slow deliberate way, fisting my hands in his shirt to pull myself closer to him. He groaned in a breathless sound that wrapped around one word.

"_Fuck_."

"Knock it off!" Em yelled from the table.

I flipped him off without moving my lips from Edward's skin. Edward's chest shook as he chuckled. His voice was all husky and thick with lust.

I worked my way up his chiseled, scruffy jaw to his full pouty lips. It was my turn to moan when his hands moved up my back and secured me to him sharply. My breasts shoved into him and as our chests moved faster with our ragged breaths.

I whimpered at the feel of our bodies rubbing against each other innocently.

I bit my bottom lip and stretched my neck back. Edward followed my lead.

I loved it when Edward kissed my neck. It felt really fucking good. His hot tongue stroked from the base of my throat to my ear. He drew my earlobe between his teeth.

I was tingling everywhere, especially everywhere below my waist. His mouth continued to make the circuit- his devilish lips planting wet, hot kisses and sucking my flesh.

I whimpered again.

I actually started to loose control a little. All at once I was lost in the sensations and my body was writhing in his arms. My chest pressed impossibly closer to his, creating that sweet friction still. My hips moved back and forth across his need stretching his pants.

He groaned.

"STOP IT!" Emmett yelled.

Edward's hands were iron fetters on my hips, making all fun stop instantly.

He shoved me off of him with a heavy sigh.

I sighed too.

_Damn Emmett and his moral high ground_.

He got to fuck Jacob whenever he wanted. Edward and I couldn't get pass second base. Don't get me wrong we made the most out of it. But no matter how hard I tried Edward always pulled away when I indicated wanting more. It didn't bother me so much anymore. I just put Edward in the same category as Alice, and Em and my mom. They were all the people who loved me and didn't want to lose me so they kept just enough of a safe distance from me.

Em came out to me years before that day in Los Angeles. Well he didn't come out to me so much as I walked in on he and Jacob having sex on his bed. He told me that it was just like breathing to be with Jacob. That until he realized the way he felt for his best friend he didn't know that he could feel that way about anyone.

I admired his courage to be with the one he loved. They had to hide from the general public. Even now with the families knowing they still kept their relationship low key. But they were together and Em was one hundered percent committed to him.

I was extremely jealous that day. Em had never been one hundred percent behind me. And with a fatal love in his life, I couldn't expect him to focus too much effort on doing so now.

Alice had Jasper. She looked at him the way Edward looked at me. She was totally his, which just meant she could never be totally mine. It was childish and stupid, but then I was just that too- one big fucking selfish child.

Then there was my mom. The woman who walked out on the asshole who made everyone feel worthless. The person who got up every morning to put food on our table and the roof over our head. The woman who was dedicated to the community of Forks every minute of everyday. And with the whole of Forks being her main concern, I took a quiet backseat and bit down on my tongue. Mom made time for me, she loved me, she made a point of being interested in my life, but I would always have to share her.

_Such a selfish child, Bella._

Edward stood up with me and took my hand. He punched Emmett's arm as we left the room. My brother's retaliation was lost when he came face to face with me instead of my boyfriend.

I was stupid enough sometimes to want challenge him to do it.

_Just hall off and fucking hit the shit out of me_.

Maybe that pain would dull the other. Maybe then I wouldn't have to turn to these nights of immature irresponsibility. Maybe then I could appreciate the great guy who was leading me out the back door and down the dark path to our shared sanctuary.

He stepped back to let me climb the ladder first.

I smirked. I wondered if I ever thought of that trick as chivalrous. I was pretty damn sure most of my teenage life that Edward only went second so that he could stare at my ass.

Oh well, I shimmied it for my audience as I navigated the fifteen steps that I could climb blindfolded.

I turned on the battery powered lamp and smoothed out the blankets on the makeshift bed. For the last three years this place really had become a hide away for me- _for us_. With the exception of the impossibly freezing winter nights, Edward and I had spent almost every night in the tree sleeping in each other's arms. That first night had been a fluke. We'd fallen asleep by accident. But when we woke up the next morning it just felt right.

I shook my slowly sobering head as Edward sat on the Cullen side of the tree house and dangled his legs over the edge.

The guy had never ending patience. I knew that he was pretty committed to whatever this arrangement was. Some girlie naïve part of me wanted to call it a relationship. While the jaded motherfucker wanted to run back to my cold dark bed alone and cry. But the chick who sat in the middle of those extremes hoped that she wasn't using and abusing the only person in her world that seemed to want her.

"You think it will rain tonight?" he asked kicking his foot against the ledge.

I shook my head again.

Edward had a way of just keeping you in the moment. Maybe that's why it was so easy to forget the guilt—he never gave me enough time to wallow.

"No."

I sat down next to him and put my hand on his raised knee. He was wearing his favorite jeans that had the knees worn through to rags. I could feel his hairy skin on my warm finger tips.

"Alice said she checked on line and she was positive it wouldn't even sprinkle."

Edward chuckled. He put his hand on top of mine and played with my fingers like they were keys on his piano.

It was such a tangled fucking web we were all living these days.

Mom would flip if she knew I was sleeping with Edward—even though his staunch rule of no sex was always in effect. Em was on patrol with her finding out because I had afternoon "study" sessions between he and Jake covered from her intrusions. Alice was cool with helping us because she didn't want Carlisle to find out that it was her cousin Jasper that was going with her to the fashion trips to New York every other weekend and not me.

And Edward just quietly kept everyone's secrets and waited for me to lay down in his arms every night.

God fucking help us if either of our parents took the time to notice how blood shot our eyes were on the mornings after vacation parties. We didn't do it all the time. There was a brief period when I started high school, last year, that Edward let me go wild. He even got me some more drugs to try.

But three times of smoking turned me off of that shit. I always got fucked up enough to really want to do something with Edward. And he would always be the gentleman and force me away.

I knew that he was doing it for my own good. He told me he cared about me. He told me that when we were really ready he would be all in. But it still hurt—a little too damn much for me to want to do it again. So, I took to only getting fucked up on holidays and never going for the hard shit.

Alcohol just made me loopy. I could suck face with Edward all night, maybe even tease his ass good and hard, and then just pass out. Tonight was kind of special—in one of those fucked up ways. It was New Year's Eve—exactly three years since I had thrown myself at him the first time.

Edward laced his fingers through mine.

"Those guys from Boston called about the demo again," he told me.

I smiled at him. Edward didn't think his music had a shot in hell at getting him in to the Pops music conservatory. I knew better. I sent the demo in last summer, without his permission, with every confidence in the world that he would be invited for an audition.

He smiled back at me—all goofy like.

"They said they would love to hear from me in the spring."

I smiled to cover my grimace.

_There you go, being the selfish child again, Bella._

I wanted Edward's dreams to come true—the ones he whispered only to me in the darkness of our nights together. But it meant giving him up the way I gave everyone else up.

Right now, in a really fucked up way, he was one hundred percent with me, for me and I didn't have to share him. Edward didn't give a shit about anyone else. I never saw him talking to other girls. He never acted like he wanted to be with anyone else. Every single second that we could be, we were together. Sending him to the other side of the country seemed so impossible for me to do.

_Of course you could always follow him you dummy_. _He's told you a thousand times that Boston U would be perfect for you. He's hinted at the high cost of renting and how it would be great to have a roommate. He's even hinted that graduation would be a coming of age in almost every way for us—that if I went with him I just might get to have my Edward cake and finally fucking eat it too_.

I licked my lips as I stared at his. I needed to change the subject before I got on some fucked up path of thinking.

"So, Alice's friends, James and Victoria, are throwing a bash next week in Victoria. Are we in?" I never bothered referring to myself as an individual anymore. I just assumed Edward's permanent place beside me.

He smiled. He moved his hand from mine and cupped my cheek. A more self confident girl would be able to resist it, but I pushed against his touch with anticipation and need. His skin always made me feel like I was coming to life. I think without Edward I would be some lifeless zombie who was sleepwalking through her existence. His warm touch caressed my skin.

"Sure," he whispered.

I sighed, contented for now. I leaned into his side and watched the quiet night in his arms. I listened to his strong steady heart beat. It was like some promise that he would always be around for me. I smoothed my hand across his chest over that comforting pulse.

"Why don't you write me letters anymore?"

The question was so random that it jolted me into a sitting position away from his warm body.

I searched his chocolate eyes for some purpose behind the question.

"Because I see you everyday," I spoke with a confused expression. "The only thing I would have to write about would be you."

He smiled again and went back to palming my cheek.

"Exactly," he whispered. I frowned and questioned him with my eyes. He chuckled. "It's just you have such a way with words… I always knew so much more about what you were feeling and how you were experiencing something… I miss it."

He shrugged. His voice was matter of fact—simply the truth.

I stammered to even respond. "Well… why don't you draw for me anymore?"

I kind of knew the answer to that one. Edward had found his music again when he came here. The sketches were his escape from the hell of the Masen house. Once he was with the Cullens he left the hell and found the harmony of the music.

But still, I missed the postcards too.

"You know why," he confirmed. His fingers smoothed over each delicate line of my face. They swept over my eyes and nose and lips. "There isn't anything in my mind but you."

My breath stopped.

His index finger stayed on my bottom lip. It dipped between my slightly parted lips for a second and moistened the plump flesh as it swept back and forth—as his tongue was apt to do most nights. He took his hand back from my body and I drew my bottom lip between my teeth.

I hadn't expected to get an confession from him. My mind was screaming for my mouth to work. I wanted like hell to be able to return the favor. I wanted to tell him I always had him on my mind too. I wanted to fucking lie down and prove to him that he was the only motherfucker on the earth that this body craved.

But I just stared at him.

He chuckled again—this time the sound was a little darker. It was like he was in on some secret joke that I didn't get.

"Come on Bella," he stood up and drew me into his arms. My eyes were wide and open to him. He brushed my lips with his—the lightheadedness of the alcohol was buzzing back through my brain.

Without thinking I pulled his shirt up over his broad beautiful chest. He was already taking mine off in the same motion. I leaned back in his arms and he planted a wet hot kiss on my stomach. It made me giggle—I was very ticklish.

He laughed with me and kissed that spot between my breasts that was exposed by my bra. Then he ran his tongue up my chest, over my neck and to my ear. I was breathing really fucking hard and wetter than his languid tongue that was stroking against my earlobe. I was rocking against him instinctually. I could feel his chest rising as fast as mine—and I could feel his arousal pressing against me through his jeans.

He lifted me up and I encircled his waist with my legs. My hands tangled in his hair and with impressive strength he lowered us to the mattress. He laid me down under him and moved his wicked lips to mine.

I whimpered.

He groaned.

We were writhing against each other. He moved his lips from mine to kiss me once hard and sharp against my throat. I let out a breathless cry and he pulled away.

My body was pulsing and throbbing. I sat stunned for a second, but only for a second. I wouldn't let him see how much it stung.

He leaned down and pulled up the blanket. And by the time he was in place I was pulled together enough to just melt into his embrace.

Tonight we slept facing each other. I only did this on the nights when I was fucked up enough to not remember much the next morning. When I lay like this I could feel his heart lulling me to sleep. And I could feel our chests pressed against each other in comfort. I rested my head on his shoulder and nuzzled his neck. He smelled like home—whatever the hell that was. He buried his face in my hair at the top of my head and we drifted off into oblivion with his music softly playing in the background.

This was something so pure and perfect that I couldn't allow myself to enjoy it. It would hurt like fucking hell when it all went away.

I kissed his skin unconsciously and I'm sure I dreamed the words I heard whispered in the dark but I was too tired to really check.

_I love you_.

The rest was darkness.


	9. A Stranger Now Unto Me

**Bookends By: Bella's Executioner.**

**Rating: M- this means if you're under 16 you are agreeing to break your own ToS by reading this and I'm not your mother so be responsible for yourself.**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is the sole owner of the world of Twilight. She is Bella's creator. I am Bella's Executioner.**

**A/N: Bookends is the very first fanfiction I started writing. It's been on this site, moved and come back. It has errors, fuck ups and lots of proofs that I'm human but it also has all of my heart and soul in it. I welcome you into this world of pain and love and hope that you enjoy. I also welcome your thoughts as you read—pm me or review and I'll be happy to discuss the story with you.**

**Chapter 9: A Stranger Now Unto Me**

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**EPOV (Cullenista campaign party, Victoria, B.C. one week later January 2008)**

I stood in the bathroom of the rented house staring down the motherfucker in the mirror for the hundredth time today.

_Who the fuck was he?_

I knew who I was—Edward Masen, seventeen year old fuck up and bastard best friend to Bella Swan. But the motherfucker was… someone entirely different.

I don't know how it happened. One minute I was completely in control, just like every other fucking night. Bella was playing her shit-ass game of touch and go. She was feeling sorry for herself that I would go away to Boston, leaving her all alone. I could read that shit in her eyes. So I did what I always did. I fucked around with her. I took her, and me, pretty far. And when she was gagging for me to just finish the fucking job I stopped.

But she didn't stay true to form. Usually she played the solid trooper and just stopped too. I gave her the same amount of time to collect herself that I had given her every night. But this time she slipped.

For the briefest of seconds I saw the utter devastation that I was causing her.

I snarled at the motherfucker in the mirror. He had no fucking right! That bitch was hurting me! Mike Newton knew more about Bella's childhood than she ever shared with me. Emmett was the one she really wanted to fight her battles. Alice was the shoulder she really wanted to cry on. And her daddy was the only guy she really wanted to have love her.

_Fucking spoiled bitch! _

The motherfucker's face didn't frown to match mine—it scrunched in to a grimace of self hatred.

He wouldn't let me ignore it.

The way that tiny shred of pain on her goddamn beautiful face ate at me. Then, because she was drunk and would have little recollection of the night's events, she slept facing me.

I sighed along with the motherfucker this time.

That was always sure to undermine my determination. It just felt so fucking right to have Bella pressed against me like that. When we spooned she was still in my arms and I could still breathe in her sweet scent. My arms could still keep her safe and our bodies could find warmth from each other. But when she faced me… I could feel her heart beating next to mine. I could feel her breath on my skin. That made the twinge of guilt burn inside of me that night.

And when her little lips touched my neck so fucking softly that I nearly cried… the motherfucker took over.

"I love you," he whispered.

_What the fuck was that! I didn't love her! I didn't love anything!_

Tanya and Ed had beaten that fucking emotion right out of this sorry ass. But there I was, fucking holding her and smelling her and fucking feeling sorry for her.

No...fucking _loving_ her.

The big brown eyes that were embedded deep in the motherfucker's waxy face were terrified. I couldn't keep denying it to my self much longer. In the beginning, I hung around Bella because I felt sorry for her. I made a promise to myself four years ago that I would do right by her and not let her end up like me. But I didn't consider the possibility that I would fucking fall for her.

There was a soft knock on the door.

"Edward?"

_Fuck!_

I gripped the sink and the motherfucker ducked his head toward the basin with me. I needed to get a grip before she came in—I couldn't fight the motherfucker with her around.

"Be out in a minute!" I shouted.

My voice was strained. I needed to get out of this fucking place and get back to our tree. I needed to relax with Bella in my arms and… what? Did I honestly believe that by falling asleep with her scent in my nose and her warm body pressed against mine that it would help me forget her?

" Kay," Bella said real fucking quiet.

I sighed again. The motherfucker wasn't staring back at me when I looked up, but I got the feeling that he wasn't gone completely.

I rolled my eyes. This place was too fucking full of people and way too fucking loud for me tonight.

Bella was standing against the wall facing the door when I came out. She looked a little worried about me.

_Why? I only had a couple of shots of vodka—that shit I could handle_.

She was the fucking light weight. Her eyes were already glazed over from her _Tom Collins_. She was biting that fucking luscious bottom lip of hers. I licked mine in some fucked up anticipation while I watched. I was always going to be too chicken shit to follow through with doing anything that I really wanted to do with Bella.

I told myself that I kept my distance from her to tease her. To make her earn me. But really...I was afraid of the dark shit I had buried deep inside of me. I was a fucking pussy when it came to trusting anyone with my heart.

And I really fucking wanted to give my heart to her.

The motherfucker stirred somewhere deep inside at that stray thought.

"Hey," she whispered.

_Fuck_. _Why did it always drive me fucking crazy when she said that? _

I stumbled slightly as I leaned into her and pressed her against the wall. I let the buzz lead the way as I ran my nose along her neck. She went fucking ape shit whenever I put my lips on her neck. The motherfucker really wanted to make her go a little crazy—kind of like she was making him feel.

I kissed her skin below her jaw and I heard her breath catch. I smiled against her flesh as I nipped her throat with gentle teeth. She whimpered delicately. I pressed my now painful erection against her—right there in the middle of the fucking hallway.

_Totally fucked_.

Some asshole cleared his throat to let me know he needed to take a piss. I snarled as I turned my head to glare at him. He was drawing my focus away from my girl's skin—I'd bash his fucking face in.

"It's okay," Bella breathed. She actually sounded a little embarrassed. She pulled my face back to hers. The motherfucker really loved looking at her face.

"Let's go outside."

I nodded.

_Whatever she wanted—I was fucking hers_.

There were hundreds of stoned-assed motherfuckers all over the three-story house. Alice and Jazz were sucking face in the corner and Emmett and Jake we checking out one of the many bedrooms.

_Fuck. Why couldn't I just do it already?_

I fucking wanted Bella so bad. Why couldn't I just let her have her way just this once.

Bella grabbed a bottle of Jack from the bar as we headed through the glass doors.

The night was crisp and chilly. There was a spacious garden that led to a surrounding of a couple of moonlit paths. One of the darker walks led to a huge covered deck by the lakeside.

I stumbled along the path, pulling her beside me down to the lake. I would rather we be in our tree house tonight, but we were two hours away from Forks, and there was no fucking way that I would be able to even get to my Volvo let alone drive us home.

Luckily there wasn't anyone there when we found the improvised sanctuary.

I took off my jacket and draped it around Bella's shoulders as we sat on the edge of the deck. It wasn't exactly like sitting in our tree. The sky was a little clearer- you could almost make out the stars. And instead of the unending Cullen backyard we had the quiet lap of the midnight water as it hit the shore with the gentle breeze.

But it was peaceful. We were the only two people in this place just like we were in our hideout at home.

Home. There was a fucked up word in my vocabulary.

Bella handed me the bottle and I took a long pull of the burning whiskey. You really shouldn't mix your alcohol unless you want to see your toes come out of your nostrils but I needed to drown the motherfucker before he made me do anything else that I would regret. I could feel the fire burning down my throat and relaxing my limbs even more as I looked over at her.

"My dad didn't even return my call this morning," her voice was all quiet and shit.

The motherfucker was coming up—waiting for the right moment to attack my resolve.

She laughed. "I guess there are more important things to worry about. Tonight was _her_ dance recital."

Her face got all bitter when she mentioned that girl—Vanessa. I know it wasn't her fault for living, but it wasn't Bella's fault for wanting half the support she saw that little cow get.

I didn't say anything. I just listened. That was the one damn thing I never fucked up with Bella. I could listen to her forever. I sighed and threw back another shot. T

hen I froze as I watched her from the corner of my eye—the motherfucker just might get his way tonight. She was fucking beautiful.

_Fuck_.

Bella's hair was just long enough to be pulled back and as she released the clips she shook out the silky locks like she was moving in slow motion or some shit. Her lips were pink and pouty and slightly parted. And her eyes were huge and almost emerald in the moonlight. She looked really fucking good wearing my jacket. She wasn't wearing it so much as swimming in it. But I got some fucking primal sense of satisfaction when I imagined it was _me _she was wearing, not just my clothes.

I took another swig of the caramel colored liquor.

_What the fuck was I doing with this girl?_

That day all those years ago, in this very town, I got into her bed against my own will- like some goddamn magnet was in Bella's body pulling me toward her. And when I saw that pain in her eyes, the same pain that I put in her eyes the other night, something inside of me solidified. There was an ironclad cable from her body to mine. I couldn't not be with her. I couldn't not notice her pain.

The motherfucker stirred through my rapid inebriation.

I couldn't not fall in love with her.

_Fuck_.

There it was. _I fucking loved her_.

I followed her around like some lovesick pussy whipped puppy for years and put up with her shit just to be graced with her presence. I stared at the water, my vision blurry around the edges. I really couldn't fucking deny it anymore.

I fucking loved the shit out of this girl.

_Totally fucked_!

And maybe I really did push her away at night not to protect myself but to keep her safe. I had to—who the fuck else would do it?

For all intents and purposes Bella was every teenage guy's dream girl. She was gorgeous. She was stacked and she had so many issues fucking her mind six ways to Sunday that she was ready and willing for just about anything. At least she was with me. I never really noticed how Bella acted around other people... my mind was growing pretty fuzzy as I thought about it.

_Was Bella ever around other people?_

I shook my head.

_This shit was pretty potent_.

A tiny feminine hand reached out and took the bottle from my grasp. I followed the pale arm with my expectant eyes. The bottle rose to the succulent lips that I fantasized about every single minute that I wasn't kissing them. Her pull of the brown liquid was not as deep as mine.

I smiled my fucking drunken smile.

Bella hated alcohol. She hated all of the shit that took you out of control. But she liked the release.

_Didn't we all?_ She liked not being able to think straight, and not having to remember the pain.

A stray memory flooded my mind... _a hand coming fast at my face_.

I closed my eyes and clenched my body against the threat of pain.

_Fuck_. It was the smell of the Jack. It always brought back the memories of Ed.

_Fuck_. I peeked over at Bella, a little apprehensive and shaky.

Her eyes were wide and glazed. She seemed to realize some shit was going on inside my mind but she was too far fucked to fight the warm buzz settling over her.

I smiled again, that fucking crooked smile that I reserved just for her.

Somewhere in the back of my mind I gave up and let the motherfucker win. Why the fuck not. She was everything I would ever want. Who the fucked cared if she never gave herself to me fully? I would take twenty percent of Bella over one hundred percent of any other fucking girl any day.

Just this one moment with Bella was way more than worth it.

More than anything I just wanted to take away her pain.

When I turned my body toward her I was already planning it out. She would be the priority, this wasn't fucking about me. I was pretty damn skilled at taking care of myself these days anyway. I gave her a once over, pulling my eyes slowly across every delicious line of her body. Making sure to take my time staring at my favorite parts. I caressed the skin of her neck with my chocolate stare and when my eyes reached her peaks she let her awareness show as her nipples poke through her shirt.

I just couldn't fucking stop smiling. I was feeling pretty fucking good. Whether the buzz was from the liquor of my hormonal high, who the fuck cared?

I lunged at her... a little too intense. My lips closed around her right breast. She gasped as she fell back under my attack.

I sucked hard through the layers of fabric. She arched her back and moaned. I should have been going crazy—like I couldn't fucking wait to be inside of her. But the motherfucker was front and center in my brain. He wouldn't let this be about me.

I ran my tongue back and forth over her peak.

_Fuck, she tasted good_.

Her hands tangled in my hair. She was breathing heavy.

Out of nowhere, and with very little build up, my hand smoothed down her chest and abs and found the button of her jeans. I never moved my lips from her chest. I don't know why. I would have fucking loved to kiss her lips. I know that she would have fucking loved to have my lips on her neck.

But I was caught in frantic panic as the motherfucker moved my hand further down her body. Sucking on her tit was like home-base for me. It was safe. It kept me grounded in what I was doing.

And it helped to keep my dick in my pants.

The shit was getting fucking real. And I didn't have the excuse of her age to keep me back anymore. True she was still a minor—but she was hardly a child.

My teeth grazed her nipple and the soft cry that it elicited from her mouth should have driven me fucking insane.

In some odd part of my mind it did, but all it did was force the motherfucker to peal the fabric away from her waist. My fingers followed the warmth beneath her panties.

Fuck I would've loved to see her underwear. I would've loved to see her fucking face. But the motherfucker knew this wasn't about me.

I sucked harder as my fingers felt how intense her reaction was to me. The motherfucker slipped a little then. She was so goddamn wet and hot and from the sounds coming from her chest and mouth she was really fucking enjoying it.

The motherfucker was good to his girl, but he wasn't a fucking saint. Even he was a horny motherfucker.

She didn't speak or move.

She just rode the rhythm that my finger set between her thighs. My tongue followed the pulse and I could feel her body drifting in ecstasy.

It wasn't not pleasurable for me. I really fucking liked the sounds coming out of her body. And I could smell her, heather and raindrops. I kind of rocked uncontrollably next to her as my hand and tongue guided her to that sweet release.

She was arching her back and neck as her hips rose to meet my fingers in a more rapid pace.

It started to rain—some part of my mind noted. The rain fell hard and sharp on the water behind us. The wind whipped through the deck and the trees shook with its violence. Something about the sound of nature's fury pushed Bella over the edge. I was practically there with her as her body pushed harder and faster and then was suddenly tense and still.

She let out one last slow moan and her hands fell from my hair limp by her sides.

I looked at her then. Her forehead was sweaty and her hair stuck to it in wisps. The beat of her heart was still frantic in that spot where he neck met her chest. Her eyes were closed and her lips pulled into a dazzling smile.

I think I had a hint at what the word _love _meant when I saw that smile.

Bella opened her eyes and the depth of emotion in the sage depths was fucking severe. My breath grew all fucking heavy as I realized that I would crawl over fucking glass to put that smile on her face everyday. Bella was sunshine and happiness. And I fucking loved her.

Her hands wound languidly up to my hair again. I just kept staring in to the center of my universe.

"What the hell was that?" she purred.

_Totally fucked! _

"I love you."

The conviction in my voice sobered her up instantly. I smirked at the stunned look on her very fucking pleased face. I kissed her lips_, my_ lips, to seal the promise.

She kissed me back timidly. I almost laughed at the fucking deer-in-the-headlights feel of her response. I would make Bella see that I wasn't going anywhere. She didn't get to throw the pity party around me anymore.

Fuck it if she thought she could unload and take and never give me any of her in return. I just took a huge fucking piece of her tonight and it was all fucking mine.

Bella didn't even realize it yet.

Now I didn't have to hide behind the fact that I was totally fucked because she knew I was totally hers.

I fucking knew she was only mine now too.

And I wasn't going anywhere.

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**JazzPOV**

"Al are you in here?"

I was getting worried since I hadn't seen her in a while. Em and Jake were relaxing by the pool. And God knew where my brother and his rebel without a cause were.

I spotted Victoria in the kitchen.

_Funny, Al had said they were going to go over some new designs in the studio. Where the hell was Alice if Victoria was here? _

I awkwardly made my way toward the statuesque redhead. She was a good foot taller than me and very intimidating.

I calmed my nerves so that she would be at ease talking to me. But just as I opened my mouth to speak, I saw the bruise on her wrist. And I heard the sobs coming from her chest. I backed out of the room before she could see me.

That answered most of my questions.

Al obviously wouldn't be meeting with her if she was in that state. That just left one question—where the hell was Alice?

I headed out on to the balcony. The party was mostly dying down. I caught a glimpse of Edward and Bella out on the dock—dancing in the moonlight. The look of carefree happiness on both of their faces was calming. I don't think I'd ever seen my brother smile as much as he did when Ms. Swan was around. It made me smile to think about. He dipped her back in his arms and I could almost here the laughs from her fun. They kissed tenderly once she was upright.

It was truly mesmerizing to watch.

It made all the hellish sights and sounds of debauchery inside the house fade away. All I could hear was Bella laughing in Edward's arms. I imagined that Edward was humming her song as he swayed their bodies in the pouring rain.

Everything else was quiet. Save one little sound. A hitching breath and a tiny cry.

I turned toward the sound in terror. It was Alice, I knew it. My body was tense with fear as I followed the soft noise into the darkness of the garden just off the balcony. Each step that drew me away from the house amplified my anxiety.

When I found her, my heart stopped.

She was pressed against a tree clutching her knees to her chest. She was shaking like the trees above. I was frozen in shock and then I was clenched in rage.

_What the fuck happened to her?_

"Alice?" I breathed. She gasped and locked her body in terror at the sound of her name. We stood there staring at each other for a few heartbeats. Her makeup was running down her cheeks and her hair was completely matted to her head.

I could see that one of the straps of her dress was torn. My hands were white knuckled as I tried to make sense of what was going on.

"Oh, Jazz," she whispered. Her voice was strange. Not frightened like her face—devoid all emotion really. She ran to me and threw her arms around my neck. I locked her in my protective embrace fiercely.

"I was so fucked up...and then I was lost… And I didn't know where you were…I think there was something in one of my drinks…"

I shushed her and rocked her in my arms. I caressed her back and assured her that everything was okay. She would be hard pressed to convince me that we needed to come back to another one of these parties anytime soon.

"Are you okay?" I asked looking into her eyes and trying to understand the change in her demeanor.

She nodded slowly. I wasn't looking at my Alice. It was freaking me out—on the inside.

We heard laughter coming up behind us.

We turned to see Edward chasing Bella up the path. She was swatting his hand away as he tried to pinch her rear. It was actually cute, but I couldn't appreciate that with my broken girl in my arms.

I ignored the lovers and put my hands against Alice's cheeks. I stroked her flesh with my thumbs—pleading with my eyes. This was more than just a drugged drink…

She shook her head.

_Drop it_, her eyes said. She turned to meet the happy couple with a perfect pixie smile that looked completely genuine. I was taken aback by the sight. Bella scowled when she noticed the state of Alice's dress. I quickly removed my jacket and draped it over my girl's shoulders. Alice never looked back at me to acknowledge the gesture.

Bella threw a glance over her shoulder at Edward briefly before the girls locked arms and headed up to the house. My brother and I stood for moment in the pouring rain digesting the night's events. It was like we traded places. Like Edward was suddenly optimistic and in love and I was fucked up and at a lost with the woman I loved.

He glared over my shoulder to the balcony railing. I looked up just in time to see Victoria's boyfriend, James, turn away.

I looked back at my brother. His hands were balled in to hard fists as he continued to glare at the now empty balcony.

"That fucking jerk was dropping aspirins in the girl's drinks last summer in Cannes. I'd be willing to bet my fucking five hundred dollar shoes that he was fucking doing it again tonight," he snarled and looked back at me. It was clear that Edward was not aware of my conversation with Alice, or I would be holding him down as he went on the warpath. So he misunderstood the steel hate in my eyes at his words.

If I ever found out that that motherfucker had hurt my Alice, Edward would become the tame Masen brother.


	10. Talking without Speaking

**Bookends By: Bella's Executioner.**

**Rating: M- this means if you're under 16 you are agreeing to break your own ToS by reading this and I'm not your mother so be responsible for yourself.**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is the sole owner of the world of Twilight. She is Bella's creator. I am Bella's Executioner.**

**A/N: Bookends is the very first fanfiction I started writing. It's been on this site, moved and come back. It has errors, fuck ups and lots of proofs that I'm human but it also has all of my heart and soul in it. I welcome you into this world of pain and love and hope that you enjoy. I also welcome your thoughts as you read—pm me or review and I'll be happy to discuss the story with you.**

**Chapter 10: Talking without Speaking**

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**BPOV (Tuesday, March 1st, 2008, Forks High school)**

I glared at the assignment in front of me. I threw a beseeching glance at the clock. That couldn't be right. We still had an hour left in this ridiculous class.

Edward caught my eye as I drew it back down toward my desk. He was paired with Angela for the marriage assignment while I was straddled with Mike. Angela Webber was a plain but genuine girl. She seemed to be enjoying the shit out of pretending to be married to Edward.

He winked at me as he went back to dividing the household duties with his temporary wife. I rolled my eyes and turned back to my hopefully soon to be separated fake husband.

"Do you want to have the career, or should I?"

Mike was getting too much satisfaction from this. In the eternal words of my boyfriend,_ fuck._

I rolled my eyes again. Another glance at the clock. Fifty-five minutes now.

_Damn time was just flying by_.

"Why can't we both work?" I mumbled.

Sociology for living was my least favorite subject. It irked me to no end that some public official decided the set of norms that governed what made people productive or adequate in society.

"We are both highly skilled and fully capable people."

I actually delivered that without my new signature condescending smartass smirk... picked that up from Edward too.

It just pissed me off to sit in a socially contrived class that had nothing to offer me in understanding real family structures. We covered divorced families in twenty minutes on Monday.

_Yep, that was more than enough for me to understand why I hated the very thought of marriage. Just another slap on the back to remind us all who are different that it was wrong that we were._

I scowled around the room while Mike searched through our handbook to see if it was "doable" for both partners to have jobs.

_Fucking A-typical bullshit_.

Edward was laughing in the corner with Angela. I scowled.

_Bitch better back off_. I saw him peek over his shoulder at me as he snickered in response to whatever she was saying.

_Sly, Mr. Masen, but hardly believable_.

I thought about trying to make him jealous by flirting with Mike.

I looked over at the guy who'd been a permanent attachment to my ass since I was four years old. For one, I could never do that to Edward. He already had plenty to be jealous of when it came to Mike and me. Second, I could never pull off flirting with him because he was just too... _Mike_. He thumbed through the pages like the secrets of life would just jump out and turn us into adults.

"I don't know," He finally admitted. I rolled my eyes again. Forty-five minutes now. "How do we handle the kid with two jobs?" _The kid_... I glared at the red faced blue eyed dumb blond suddenly realizing that having his spawn growing inside of me would be the only reason I would agree to marry him.

"I guess that's really the assignment, Mike," I said rolling my eyes again. Edward was leaning into Angela's side now-a little too animated over their matrimonial fiction.

"Yeah," Mike said uneasy. "How bout I stay home and you work?"

_So contemporary and twenty-first century of him_ _to offer_.

"I don't really have any careers in mind. Besides it probably will get us more points if we stay value oriented and nuclear," I deduced.

"I will be the doting housewife slash mother and you can be the nine to fiver."

I frowned as I considered the fact that the scenario was so repulsive to me. I actually wanted to hurl.

Maybe it was because I instantly saw Renee in my mind when I said it. Maybe it was because my mom kicked ass and I knew that this was never the life that suited her. And maybe it was just because I knew that I was too fucked up in the head to ever be able to live such a quiet normal life.

I couldn't even tell Edward I loved him.

The whole thing was weird and fucked up and a little bit scary. He said it to me all the time now. That first time I was nearly asleep and I just thought I dreamed it.

But after _that_ night... My face was growing flushed just from thinking about it. But after he... _took care of me_, he leveled me with those big brown eyes and said it.

And meant it.

_Fuck_.

I had dreamt of confessing my undying love to Edward since I was eleven years old. He was the perfect guy. So drop dead gorgeous and so harmlessly badass. And maybe I was so drawn to him because I believed that there was never a remote possibility that a guy like that could fall for a girl like me.

_A girl like me_. Shit.

Mike was busy filling out our divided duties in our imaginary household. He had some idealized image of who the girl sitting beside him was. He saw little Isabella with her pigtails and high hopes. He remembered the days when my eyes were wide with wonder and not trepidation. He knew a whole other Bella. I wasn't that girl anymore. I didn't really know when it happened, or why for that matter. But it happened all the same. I grew up and lost my innocence... lost my hope.

Edward was focused on his work now too. Angela was forgotten and the game of flirting abandoned without a willing audience. I bet _that_ girl knew who she was. Angela was shy but she held her head up with an air of confidence. I bet she didn't force her boyfriend to help her get shit faced every other night just to keep her from going insane.

I wish I could be _that_ girl.

It was just impossible to comprehend. I used to be the girl who didn't want to be the dumbass that I was now. I used to be the girl who had so much love waiting to burst out of her heart that she would sit down and pour her innermost dreams in to letters to a practical stranger. I used to be the girl that Edward never touched so intimately that I knew every part of my being belonged to him and only him.

I shook my head and started looking at baby names. To complete the farce of a partnership we were required to keep flour sacks around as makeshift children.

I was lightyears from ever wanting to be a parent. Shit, I couldn't even keep a pet for more than a week. I was pretty damn certain that after a few days my "baby" would end up in the kitchen and be tragically slaughtered in the name of homemade biscuits.

I tried to focus on the assignment but my mind kept floating back to Edward. It'd been almost two months since the party and I still couldn't get over it. He never talked about what changed. Never told me why all of the sudden he decided sort of sex was okay. And though we never laid down ground rules, it was plainly obvious that I was not allowed to return the favor.

In fact, he made of point of leaving the tree house at night if I pushed anything too far for him. And being the selfish cow that I was I took everything he gave me without question—submissive and docile under his touch.

There were questions. Too many to keep in my head all at once. But with Edward you just had to be patient, and persistent. Whatever was pushing him to do those things to me in the darkness of the night would be explained when he was ready to talk about it.

"How 'bout Mike Junior?" Mike prodded not very inconspicuously when I admitted that I was at a loss for what to name the fake child.

_Mike Junior?_ _Really?_ _Like I wanted a constant reminder sitting in my room for the next month of this travesty of matrimony._

I glared at the idiot for a minute.

"Yeah alright," I conceded.

_What the fuck did I care what the bag of flour was called? It's not like it was really my kid_.

I had decided exactly three years ago that kids were off the bargaining table for me. Love, husband, home those were all variables that I argued I wanted in life. None of them seemed very probable but I fantasized none the less.

Children… An image of that rat faced little blond with her perfect curls and her bright brown eyes popped into my head.

_Bitch_.

There was no fucking way I would let that grudge go. Babies were demons. Toddlers were disgusting vermin. And progeny was simply not something I desired.

"I like that name," Angela was cooing loud enough for me to hear.

"It's very sweet. Nice story behind it too."

I turned to see Edward actually blushing—_fucking blushing_! His shoulders were tight and his jaw was clenched. I could tell he was making a fucking show out of not looking over at me.

_What the fuck!_

"Okay, so we have our jobs, our chores, and our child…" Mike must have been looking at me but I couldn't give a flying fuck to acknowledge him. I warned him the second he pulled my name that I was not committed to this charade of social propaganda.

"Bella?"

I glared fucking daggers at the back of Edward's head.

_What the hell was so fucking sweet and cute that he was willing to share with that bitch that he didn't give to me? He gave me everything. And I gave him everything_… _Mostly_.

The bell rang and I was suddenly bolted to my chair. Edward was still blushing—his neck redder than his hair. And he sat unmoving in his chair as well. Still not looking at me. I wanted to scream at him. I wanted to cry. I wanted to punch that motherfucking school girl in the face.

Luckily this was the last class of the day so we didn't look too odd just sitting in the empty classroom. Mr. Berty left to take something to the office. Mike must have left too—I didn't fucking care.

Edward refused to look at me.

I started counting to one hundred in my head. It was what I had taught myself to do over the years with Edward.

I had a raging fucking temper that led to violence and pain if not controlled. I kept it under control pretty easily but somehow it was always on the surface when it came to him.

Edward had let me into his life so effortlessly four years ago. He just showed up and got into my bed and never left. I spent most of my time trying to fight it—push him away before he hurt me. But he was just always there. And when I had to return the favor I tried to mimic his undying calm while I did it.

He gave me everything and never asked for anything in return but Edward had a dark side of shit that he guarded fiercely too. And in the rare occasions that something brought that shit to the surface I had to be the bigger person for the moment. I had to step back and let him push me away.

If I was patient long enough, he would always come back to me.

I couldn't begin to imagine why a cute and sweet name for a baby would throw the guard up so fast. He never talked about kids. He never fucking talked about anything but the immediate… and me. Maybe if I talked about kids he'd share his views with me too.

_Too fucking late for that, Swan_. My hindsight was lacking in so many fucking ways.

I kept counting to tone down the spite and bitterness. Edward's ears were pink now and his shoulders were rising and falling faster.

_Fuck_. This was one of _those_ things—a Tanya thing.

_Fuck_. Those things didn't require my vigilant quiet support—this was hug and fucking kiss territory.

I jumped up and threw my arms around him from behind. He didn't make a sound. I kissed the back of his neck—still red from his anger. I felt the silent tears on my hands as he bowed his head. I buried my face in the crook of his neck—breathing deep of his scent.

He sighed deep. His hands found mine and he wound our fingers together over the beat of the heart in his strong chest.

I kissed his skin again.

"What was the name?" I whispered.

It was what he called my magic whisper. I wanted to roll my eyes at the thought. It was just my normal whisper. But Edward claimed that when I spoke to him like that, when he was working through his Tanya-shit, it was like a spell on him. He couldn't resist telling me and in the end he didn't resent sharing his shit ass burden with me either.

He sighed again. The magic voice worked.

"Edward."

He didn't have to say anymore for me to just fucking get it. There was nothing fucking darker in my world, because his world was mine now too, than Edward Fucking Masen Sr. He gave Edward a dream that he destroyed. He broke the will of the most wonderful person in my universe. And he made Edward feel less than a man by never being a real father.

But that didn't stop this beautiful creature from wanting to carry on what he thought was an important tradition.

Edward hated his father—but he was proud of his name. He was a part of something with that name. Tanya could go to prison for years and never call him. Carlisle could send him back to Seattle and stay in Forks without him. Jazz was only half his true brother.

But Edward couldn't be denied a connection to something real with the Jr. that followed his name. He would want his son to know that bond.

I clenched my eyes closed tight against the fucking sting of that confession. I planted my lips against his neck with as much force as I had.

I was so fucked up in my own head that I wished like hell I could promise him something of a future. I couldn't imagine a life without Edward in it. I didn't want to fucking breathe without Edward near me. But my mind shut down when it came to saying that to him.

_Why couldn't I fucking do it! How could I deny him that promise? I FUCKING LOVED HIM TOO!_

I buried my eyes against him as my tears matched his. It was all I could offer—all my fucked up mind could allow. I hoped like hell that it was enough.

We sat like that for a handful of minutes. Edward worked through his shit faster than I did. He was just better at letting things go—I held on to my hate with bloody fingers.

When he was ready to let it go he just sighed one more time and pulled my hands around his body. I sat in his lap and looked into his eyes.

He wasn't sad.

He wasn't angry.

He was just Edward.

He stared down at me—who was still crying a little. And of course the image couldn't have been attractive because I would never look pretty when crying. A gentle smile played around his lips.

_Fucking Cheshire cat_.

He was wearing that shitty smile a hell of a lot lately... like he had some big secret dancing beyond his wicked eyes that I just hadn't caught on to yet.

My hands played in his hair and I just let him lead me. I'd given up trying to figure it out. He would tell me what it all meant eventually. All I knew was that school was out and we had a good two hours to ourselves that would be spent in our tree.

Edward held my hand fiercely as he led me to the car. And he held my hand while he drove us home. He only let the grip drop to let me climb up to the tree house first. And one of his hands pressed my hands above my head as his other worked his own special magic between my legs. His lips were reverent against mine. And his tongue was merciless.

When I was spent and floating in his arms on our mattress my fucked up mind felt blissfully clear. It was better than the high of getting fucked up. It was like being truly awake and aware of who I was. It was a little fucking scary.

I never admitted it to Edward, because I was afraid that it would make him stop. But when he loved me the way he did it was like some kind of therapy for my soul. And it fucking terrified me. I couldn't hide and wallow in my years of perfected suffering when I lay in his arms like that. The cloudiness of uncertainty that was my teenage life would blow away and I could see exactly the person I wanted to become.

I was his wife and we had our jobs and our kids and our two bathrooms and three beds. I was happy and he didn't cry. And all that black shit inside of us was bled out and gone.

But then I would drift back done to earth and reality would kick my ass again.

We walked hand in hand as we made our way to my house. It was Tuesday night, pizza night at the Swan residence. Edward always came over on Tuesdays.

It was funny, we had such a picturesque routine down. Even if it was a little fucked up and unconventional.

He sat on my bed and watched me as I turned on my laptop and composed my weekly email to him.

That damn little grin was on his face again.

I still found it a little ludicrous, but he liked it and I had to admit it was kind of another level of therapy for me too. Somehow Edward talked me in to writing to him again. It was a deal we made with each other. He would agree to audition for the pops in April if I agreed to start writing to him again.

I focused on the task at hand and tried to ignore the sound of his pencil scratching against the rough page in his sketch pad. That had not been a condition of the agreement but it was a nice bonus. In return for my written thoughts, Edward drew me a picture.

They weren't the abstract symbols of chaos that he used to send me. Something told me that those emotions were no longer a part of Edward's psyche. Too much stability and hope in this new life in Forks. They were all focused on the same subject now—me.

He sketched me sleeping in our tree. Or he drew me thinking in class. Sometimes it was my back as I sat on one bended leg and wrote his email. And other times it was my naked body being teased by his expert hands—my round naked breast, or my flat naked stomach, or even my face contorted in the extreme pleasure of release.

It was narcissistic but I loved the pictures. It was like walking into Edward's mind and truly seeing me. I could see the sadness that was ever present in my eyes. I could see the slight slump of my shoulders in defense against the world. And I could see that he thought I was beautiful and I couldn't deny it when I saw my image in his drawings.

I smiled as I described in agonizing detail the way his hands worked over my body this afternoon. It was like the aggression that should have been in his eyes in that classroom was poured in to his touch as he stroked me. Like he focused the tempest inside of him in to pleasing me and it was a fucking awesome responsibility.

I had heard from Alice and even Jake that sometimes it just didn't happen. Alice told me she and Jazz weren't that intimate yet but that she had done plenty of research.

Jake said it had been a touch and go process for he and Em in the beginning since there were not too many people they could turn to for instruction. Though he did admit that for guys it was pretty much a given every time.

And I wondered if Edward and I were actually trying to please each other in tandem if it would make a difference. But I had felt the blissful explosion of the experience at least once a night, and sometimes two or three times in the afternoon too, for a solid two months.

_Was that even humanly possible?_

Edward was some fucking key that just unlocked me with incredible accuracy every time. And it was just one more thing that I was scared of.

_What would be the trigger to stop that from being the norm? When would I have to lie there and fake it?_

Then the thought of lying to Edward in that way tore at my guts. Because the same way that the release was a therapy for me, I could tell that the act of pleasing me was a treatment for him. Today it had been about proving he was a part of something and he belonged here with me in spite of that dick of a father. That night on the dock it had been the realization that he was capable of loving something.

It was just an awesome responsibility to handle.

I didn't really do anything that I was of aware of, to help the process along. I kissed him when his lips were on mine and sometimes I wound my hands in his hair. But it was not a two person activity. I wasn't allowed to participate the way I wanted to because that would push him too far. So, it was impossible for me to really understand how it worked—and how to keep it working without fail.

Edward chuckled behind me. I peeked over my shoulder at him. He was sketching a single naked breast on the page. His finger traced back and forth over the curve of the peak. His pencil scratched hard and deep to darken the erect nipple. I turned back to the computer screen.

_Fuck_.

I didn't think that I really had to worry that there would come a day that Edward Masen wasn't able to get me off. I was half way there watching him stroke an inanimate object. I rolled my eyes.

I moved on to discussing my views of raising children and even considering the thought of having kids. I masked the discussion in snarky comments about Mike but the real meaning wouldn't be lost on my highly intelligent boyfriend.

I finished with a not so subtle reminder that he and Jazz were set to go to Seattle next week for the hearing. I couldn't even begin to force him to discuss the fact that Tanya was up for parole.

The boys hadn't been directly contacted by their estranged mother for quite a few years now. But he would have to start facing it soon.

They left on Friday.

Carlisle was going with them. But Alice and I would have to sit here holding each other while our boys were alone in that big cold city. I didn't like that.

I hadn't spent a night without Edward's arms around me in four years. We caught colds at the same time because we refused to be apart. We couldn't relax without touching each other because we reprogrammed our brains to believe that was the only way to live.

I tried to be selfish as I wrote to him about how much it would hurt to sit in our tree alone, but he would know what I meant was I wished like hell I could be with him on that trip.

He might sleep without me, but he wouldn't be alone.

I closed my eyes and tried not to picture Jazz and Edward in that god-awful place again.

It would've been nice to talk to someone about it.

I tried to talk to Alice about it but she just got distant these days when it came to talking about Jazz. It was really fucking weird. She was smiling even more than usual and she was making quite a show of hanging all over her boyfriend every chance she got. But I'd known Alice too long to not notice something was different.

It was like everyone had some fucking life altering moment at that damn party two months ago. And though I couldn't say what was up with Al was bad… it was just something that bugged me to not understand. Everything was just fine and too perfect for her now—at least that was her story.

I shook my head and signed off.

I couldn't fix everyone's problems. I had a laundry list that was a fucking mile long myself.

Edward handed me the drawing as I came to straddle his lap on my bed.

I smiled and laid it down with the reverence it deserved. I grabbed his hand and brought it up to my chest- molding his hand around the object of his illustration.

His breath was a little shaky and his eyes were glazed over as he stared at his hand on my breast. That was just so fucking Edward. So in control and knowing with me but lost and clueless when it came to himself.

We were too fucking perfect for each other.

"I love you," he breathed, all ragged and shit. I stared into his eyes for a minute. I was shocked to admit that I saw that little baby Edward the third staring back at me.

_Fuck_. I fought with my fucked up mind to finally say it.

I couldn't.

I just leaned forward and kissed his lips gently—no tongue. Resting my forehead against his, we just breathed our mixed scents in and out.

"Let's go eat," I finally said and he nodded. There was that fucked up routine keeping us grounded.

I smiled when he clutched my hand in his like I was the only thing keeping him on this earth.

_Fucking impossible awesome responsibility_.


	11. Ruling

**Bookends By: Bella's Executioner.**

**Rating: M- this means if you're under 16 you are agreeing to break your own ToS by reading this and I'm not your mother so be responsible for yourself.**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is the sole owner of the world of Twilight. She is Bella's creator. I am Bella's Executioner.**

**A/N: Bookends is the very first fanfiction I started writing. It's been on this site, moved and come back. It has errors, fuck ups and lots of proofs that I'm human but it also has all of my heart and soul in it. I welcome you into this world of pain and love and hope that you enjoy. I also welcome your thoughts as you read—pm me or review and I'll be happy to discuss the story with you.**

**Chapter 11: Ruling**

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**EPOV (Seattle, the day of Tanya's hearing, March 2007)**

_Please Edward_.

It was a fucking dream.

I'd had the same one for the last three nights.

It was a nightmare of sorts but I welcomed it with open fucking arms. I didn't have the real Bella in my bed to say the words. I was one greedy fucking bitch when it came to hearing that voice-a fucking heroin addict in detox without her.

_Please_...

She whispered again, all fucking breathless and sexy.

I could feel my real body covered in sweat and my real dick hard and throbbing.

My mind stayed in the dream.

She was laying under me with that fucking desperate look that made me want to cry.

_Why did I get off on making her feel like that? _

_Totally fucking wrong!_

She pleaded with her eyes.

F_uck, those eyes_.

I felt myself twitch in my real pants. But the me in the dream stayed celibate against her fucking irresistible pleas. She was completely naked beneath me. Every inch of her body was open to me. She was willing to give me everything.

She just asked for one thing in return... all of _me_.

_Fuck_.

_Please_...

I felt both versions of me lose his breath and my heart pounded like a drum in my ears. I really fucking wanted to do it. I wanted to feel myself inside of her. She was in every inch of me. Maybe it would finally fill that ache that pulsed in my chest each time she was silent after I told her I loved her. Perhaps if I felt her acceptance around that fucking desperate part of me I would finally feel like this was right.

_Fuck_.

Maybe I should just fucking do it to feel fucking wonderful for one minute in my life.

Bella would feel wonderful to fuck.

I had no real basis for comparison but I was pretty damn sure it was true. Real me moaned in his sleep.

It was fucking embarrassing since Jazz refused to get a separate room.

_Oh fucking well!_

I had to hear him beat off in the shower twice yesterday after his hour-long conversation with his precious Al. He could deal with my wet dream of my Bella.

Dream Bella reached her hand up and smoothed the wayward hair from my forehead.

_Shit_.

Now the dream me was fucking ramrod hard too. Maybe it was just because real me was about to juice his fucking pants.

I was fucking panting and sweaty and maybe even writhing a little in my sleep.

_I need you too_...she whispered in the darkness of my mind.

_Fuck_.

If I ever heard Bella say those fucking words to me out loud I would have no choice to but to fucking do it-give in and consummate this relationship we were drowning in. It's not that I didn't know she really did need me—it's just that she never said it. She was just as fucking scared as I was to admit that weakness. I was some fucking hypocrite because I never told her I needed her... in the literal turn of phrase.

I covered my need in some false fucking declaration of love.

The more I worked on Bella and the more she gave of herself for me to possess, the more I realized I didn't know shit above love. I confessed it to her fifty times a day and I made a point to say it with intense fucking conviction after each time I pleased her.

But it was just a word.

I was just a kid.

_What the hell do I know of love? Other than what a fucking sting the absence of it feels like._

_Fuck_.

We were too fucking perfect for each other- too fucking screwed in the head to be able to be around anyone else.

Dream me felt imaginary-Bella arch her slight hips towards mine.

_Fuck_!

Dream me was just as naked as she was. I could practically feel her wetness touch my tip and then my real self was wet from a whole other substance. She melted away in my mind and I was alone in the darkness.

_Fuck_.

I sighed. My eyes opened to the dark room. Jazz was snoring pretty fucking convincingly.

_Maybe my manic moaning wasn't as loud as it had sounded to me_.

I dragged my sorry ass out of bed and grabbed a fresh change of clothes on the way to the bathroom.

I noted the time on the clock- five a.m.

_Fuck_.

Three more hours before Carlisle was going to come in here and get us ready for our day in court.

I hated waiting for shit like this.

I let the hot water run until the tiny room was filled with steam. I was thinking of Bella while I pissed and that fucking pissed me off so I stared at the god-awful wallpaper for the rest of the time with an empty mind.

Whoever picked out pastel flowers for bathroom walls should be fucking shot. It was cheerfully depressing to stare at while jacking off in the shower.

_But then, I suppose no room was decorated with the male ejaculatory hobby in mind_.

I rolled my eyes as I discarded my used clothes. Those boxers were going straight to the trash.

_What Bella wouldn't do to me_... She probably felt like some fucking freak to have a boyfriend who was willing to fuck her and fuck himself but never put the two together.

_Fucking head-case!_

She had to know what she did to me. She'd grabbed my fucking hard dick more than once over the years. But I never let her touch it without having clothes between her hand and my skin. I never let her touch _me_.

It was emasculating to think about but I stood in the shower limp and flaccid while I washed. I couldn't even imagine why I would want to get it up without Bella near me. The dream was one thing.

_I couldn't fucking help it_!

My body just naturally responded to anything Bella that way. But as I stood in that hotel bathroom, staring at the fucking pink pastel paisleys, my dick was unimpressed.

My mind was full of thoughts of her breasts and her hips and the way her heat felt on my fingertips. And nothing was happening to my body except an overwhelming panic of what I would do if something went wrong today.

If I didn't get to go back to Forks….back to her.

It was just nerves. I'd spend the next three hours trying to shake them and fool myself into believing that I was having them for nothing. Tanya's fucking parole hearing. It wasn't the first one that required my brother and I to be present.

I tried to not remember the other times-when we met our mother at the courthouse with hopes and dreams that her absence had changed her bad habits.

_I used up all my hope back then. Stupid fucking childhood._

The fucking bug up Bella's ass for the last month was her own fears for this day. She knew better than to push me on it. But it was kind of fucking cute how she worried about me.

_Shit, maybe I spoke too soon._

I felt the familiar twinge in my lower abdomen. I braced my hand against the wall and tensed for the surge. But nothing happened. It just wasn't fucking right. It was just an echo of my Bella. I stroked over myself to clean up from my very nice nightmare and dried off.

I got dressed and grabbed my smokes and phone, heading to the rooftop. It was just starting to rain as I leaned against the dilapidated landing and lit up. I was okay with the rain. My girl loved the fucking rain-naturally I loved the fucking rain. I took a deep pull of the scent of the fresh rain, closing my eyes. I imagined the faintest hint of heather on the drops. I smiled. Bella would always make me fucking smile.

I enjoyed the cigarette as I looked out over my old hometown. It was fucked up to even think of this place as _home_. I couldn't imagine wanting to bring Bella back here and make a life.

I drew in a breath with my smoke between my lips and smiled around the cig.

_Fucking funny that I only considered things like that with her in mind_. There was no life without Bella now.

I recognized the view as an inversion of what I used to see from my bedroom window. This wasn't the fucking Hilton downtown but it was a nicer hotel than the slums by our old house. I remembered watching the lights going on and off in the windows here when I was a kid. I always wondered what kinds of people traveled here.

_The lucky fucking kind that got to pick up and leave when they were done_.

_And now, I was finally one of those lucky fucking bastards. I had a new home to go to. Carlisle was going to fight for us today and find a way to keep us_.

He promised.

_There goes that stupid fucking hope, again._

I sighed and tried to not think about it. Carlisle was rich, smart and when he was determined to do something he did it. Tanya was a drain on society. She was rude, abusive and neglectful. But she was technically our mother. The courts tended to side with that shit whether it meant what it was supposed to or not.

_Stop fucking thinking about losing, idiot. _

I stared out over Seattle, knowing that no matter who won today there would always be a part of me that would never get to leave this city.

I sat on the rooftop and turned my back to the view. The rain was just more of a mist than a shower but it was refreshing in my hair and on my arms. That shit felt good.

It was like a thousand little fucking Bella kisses. I smiled again—that crooked smile that was only fucking hers. I palmed my phone on my knee.

She wouldn't be asleep.

Even though we were facing a Monday morning, Bella would find a way to be excused for the entire week from… fuck, from just being Bella. She would not go to school and she would probably not even leave the fucking tree house. The girl was even more of a fucking head case than me. But I couldn't fucking blame her.

My insides were clenching at the thought of two more days without her.

_Fuck_.

Every part of me that would usually be burning and throbbing for just the sound of her name was cold and heavy. It was like a motherfucking death being away from Bella.

_That couldn't be fucking healthy_.

But then I had to keep reminding myself of what I was facing while having my source of fucking life removed.

Tanya.

Fuck.

Phone.

Bella.

The receiver buzzed and I was suddenly locked in fucking déjà vu. This time I wouldn't fucking waste the minutes not talking to my girl. I fucking loved talking to my girl.

"Edward?" she answered immediately on the first ring.

_Fuck_.

_That's what I needed._

I nodded mutely at the phone with that fucking goofy ass grin on my face.

_Shit_. I may not understand love but I felt something totally all fucking consuming for this girl. She had some kind of power over me and I didn't give a fuck enough to want to fight it.

"Hey baby," I said.

_Fuck_. I had decided not to call her that anymore. I heard Newton calling his college tramp, Jessica or whatever the fuck her name was, that at Alice's last fashion show. Not only did I feel sleazy sounding like that little prick, but it made me feel like I was grouping my princess with those sluts.

Bella was no slut.

"Hey," was her depressed quiet reply.

_Fuck_. She sounded so fucking sad. My arms were suddenly aching like I had tried to lift a fucking car over my head last night. My chest was seizing with the need to hold her close and feel her heartbeat against me.

"How are you?" I asked.

She was always the fucking concerned one. I knew she was probably sitting up in her room right now. She'd be worried about me. Bella was too fucking good for me—or least she used to be, until I fucking dragged her down into the gutter with me.

I sighed.

"I…" Bella's voice was strained and I could tell she was trying to speak but nothing was fucking coming out. And I knew exactly what the fuck she wanted to say.

"I love you," I vowed simply. I could fucking speak for both of us. It really didn't mean anything anyway. We cared for each other. We'd fucking die without each other. But neither of us was capable of understanding love.

I could hear Bella sigh on her end of the phone.

_Fuck_.

I missed the fuck out of her. My leg started to hop up and down—I was so fucking restless without my Bella to calm me.

"Alice says Carlisle is shitting bricks," she offered. I barked out a laugh.

_Fuck the girl had a way of making me smile_.

I snickered again before I could compose myself enough to speak.

"Why is that?" I already knew but I preferred to hear her speak than to be alone with my fucking thoughts.

"She's not sure. She said his three lawyers have been at the house for the last two days and that he was having them over a lot right before you left town. You don't suppose…"

Bella trailed off because she fucking knew better than to even mention the possibility that Tanya regain custody.

It wasn't a fucking long shot. Kids in the house was a guaranteed fucking check every month.

She didn't stand a chance with me. I was four months away from turning eighteen.

_Let her fucking try something with me. I would drop her ass so fucking hard_… But I wasn't really the one I was fucking concerned about. My baby brother was two years younger than me. And he was not going to be able to walk out her fucking door come this summer.

_Fuck_.

It'd be just like that bitch to pull some shit to keep my brother—force me to have to make some shit-ass choice. I'd stay in that shit hole with her just to keep Jazz alive.

My leg was jumping with more ferocity now. The rain was falling a little harder too—like Bella was trying to cover me with the wet and douse me in her support. The sun might have been coming up. Who the fuck could tell? It was so fucking cloudy all you could see was the skyline lit by the street lamps and house lights.

"Sing to me…" she whispered in the darkness.

_Fuck_. It was her magic whisper. It probably was ridiculous to call it that, but when Bella talked to me that way my mind fucking melted.

_Whatever she fucking wanted_.

I started humming her lullaby. I liked that piece. She had talked me into playing for my audition next month. Fuck Bella and her magic fucking whisper. She was convincing me to follow my dream-fucking impossible as it really was.

"Got a light?"

I jumped at the sound of someone's voice in the darkness.

"Fuck," I cursed, making eye contact with my idiot brother.

_Where was that fucking sixth sense of mine this time? Right… it was singing to Bella_.

I considered telling him to fuck off. I hadn't had enough time to talk to my girl. But then I remembered that he was feeling just as shitty as I was. I couldn't do that to him either. So I just shrugged and motioned for him to join me, keeping Bella on the line.

The only two people who knew and tolerated the real fucking me.

"Thanks man," Jazz whispered. He sat on the opposite side from my phone. He didn't speak. He didn't smoke either. Asking me for a light was Jazz's commentary on the bad habit.

I'd cussed him up one side and down the other when he told me he was thinking about taking up smoking a year ago. He called me a hypocrite and I handed him a pack of smokes and told him to knock himself out.

The Cullen brothers would never be accused of solving problems with logic.

So Jazz and sat in silence, with a rather quiet Bella in my ear.

I sighed.

_Fucking pussies—the whole lot of us_.

"_Edward_," Bella suddenly whined…tried to whine. I think she was trying to be fucking funny and pretend to be one of those girls who whines to their boyfriend. It didn't suit her. Bella was a straight forward kind of girl. Prissy and whiny just wasn't fucking her. I never found it funny when she tried to mimic the vapid morons from our high school.

"Are you taking me to the prom or what?"

_Sure. Fine. What the fuck. Whatever she wanted_.

Prom was a stupid fucking social custom that I hadn't thought she wanted to be a part of. But if my Bella wanted to get all dressed up and stand in a crowd of judging fucking morons I would stand there next to her.

_Totally fucked_.

"_Do I have to wear a tux?_" I whined back. We all knew that whine wasn't put on. I hated suits with the stiff shirts and neck ties. Torture in the form of clothing.

Jazz snickered next to me.

_Fucking prick_. I scowled at him and scooted my butt two inches away. Trying for privacy without fucking with my brother too much. I turned my shoulder and spoke quieter.

Jazz fucking snickered again.

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**Jazz POV **

I chuckled to myself as I watched my big brother talk to his girlfriend. This is what I needed. The sight of the gruff hard-ass that was Edward Masen whispering about corsages and blue lace was in juxtaposition to the hell we were facing later today.

_This was a happy climate to sit in. How I had missed such a peaceful feeling_.

The rain was a little thick for my taste. But it seemed to sooth Edward. I hoped that it would do the same for me. My internal compass was off these days. I didn't really know what soothed me anymore.

Al had been acting so weird since that party. Not in a way anyone but me could tell, but it was there. Maybe it was because I'd seen her slip. I saw the exact moment that she put that smile back on her terrified face and sold it for all it was worth.

_I saw the man behind the curtain_.

It was hard for me to believe it-that Al wasn't just a naturally optimistic and happy person. It was like being told the sky was actually purple you just always looked at it a little too late to ever notice when it changed to blue. I had always admired and stood in awe of how well she handled the demons of her past with such levity.

But now I knew the truth. Knew how it she pulled it off. She was just like the rest of us-she didn't face any of it either. She just locked it away and put a smile over it. And she refused to even begin to discuss any of it with me.

It was disturbing at best.

And in the most selfishly heinous of ways I was becoming even more annoyed by the way my brother was changed at that party as well.

It wasn't fair. Edward had suffered more than me for much longer in his life. And Edward had lived with the weight of responsibility to provide for my well being too. But those lines around his brow, the ones that used to tell everyone how much he fucking hated the world, were gone. Not lessened. Not eased in to a smile. Just gone. He was by no means transformed into a happy person—sometimes he and Bella could go at it with words and actions that made tough guys cringe. But he didn't hate everything in the world around him anymore.

He'd found hope.

It should have been a reassuring thing. If Edward Fucking Masen could find hope there was hope for us all. But my appreciation of that fact was clouded by the knowledge that I had lost all of mine in the same instant that he found his. We were quite the pair.

I listened but tried to grant him his privacy too. He was making prom arrangements with Bella. It was sweet. I wondered if Al was interested in going to the prom. She didn't attend school with the rest of us—home schooled and brilliant to boot. And I wasn't a senior like Edward so it wasn't exactly my turn at that right of passage just yet. But she never used to shy away from an excuse to wear her designs in public.

I tried to smile at the memory of how her eyes would light up as she twirled around in one of her dresses. The smile was tight because I hadn't seen that light reach those eyes in months.

_What was she doing right now? _I could call her. But that would only be awkward. The call yesterday had been strange and uncomfortable. And when it was over I had felt like I had to purge some evil darkness from my body.

It had started off like any other conversation we had these days—Al was kind of empty and remote but willing to babble on about anything. But then I mentioned something about Edward's incessant moaning over Bella every night in his sleep. The guy had it bad. And then at the mention of how desperate Edward was for Bella… Al just changed.

She started talking dirty. She said things that shocked me and yet excited me too. Before I knew it I was joining in and saying the same crap back to her. It was wicked but it was kind of fun too.

She talked about touching herself and I actually couldn't help but touch myself when she did. She cussed. She moaned. She made sounds that I had never known I wanted to hear from her body. And she actually made herself come while we were on the phone.

At some point my mind splintered and I was disgusted at the greater part of my body that was enjoying it. What the hell was happening to us? Since when did Al and I have to resort to dirty sex calls that depraved us of our civility? Since when did I find it remotely attractive to have Alice's innocent voice discuss my cock in such detail?

We were more of a vibe-couple. We could be satisfied to just be with each other. Sure we'd fooled around for years, but nothing too dirty- just some innocent touching and kissing. I knew Edward and Bella were much more physical than Al and I ever were. I always believe that was because they craved the touch more than I thought we did.

When I finally was released from the call I felt like an abused child. I had only been beat by Ed once-he got one hit in on my face before Edward could put himself between us. But I recognized the same twisting in my guts and shaking in my soul. After talking to Alice, I sat in the tub and let the hot water from the shower burn the flesh on my back.

This wasn't exactly the same abuse like that what I'd felt from Ed. This was a violation of my mind. I wondered if Edward ever felt like this those nights that Tanya would abuse him verbally in her drunken rants. He never let me see his tears—but I knew she made him cry.

I sat there for God knows how long before my body did a one-eighty and I jumped to my feet feeling impossibly aroused from Alice's words. I gripped on to my suddenly throbbing cock and stroked with all of my might. They were desperate pumps that hurt with the force I was exerting from my hand. It was not for pleasure—there was something deep inside of me that could only come out this way.

When I was done I felt the desperation well inside of me one more time. I didn't even bother to wash off after the last time. I just threw on my clothes and got into bed. I felt so sick inside. But from what I couldn't say.

And then Edward had another dream of about his Bella again tonight. He would just whisper her name over and over. And he would plead, _I need you_. It was kind of heartbreaking to hear-an insight into the fact that though my brother seemed happier these days, he was still just as lost with his relationship as I was with mine.

He finished his cigarette and hung up the phone. He didn't look over at me. I didn't say anything to him. We had another hour before our uncle would come to get us and prepare us for whatever it was we walking into.

Neither of us relished the idea of seeing her again. She was so much less than a mother—a vicious harpy that just sucked the life out of both of us.

There was nothing in the early morning darkness but the sound of the rain falling on our shoulders and our steady breaths marking the passing of time.

We'd face this like we did everything else in life— together.

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**EPOV (courthouse, conference room.)**

I stared at the mahogany table. I didn't want to fucking look at her. I made the mistake of fucking looking at her when we walked in. It wasn't her. It was the cleaned up bitch that came out of jail with promises and kisses. The lying tramp that would disappear as soon as we walked back through her front fucking door.

I hated that bitch almost as much as I hated Tanya.

We'd been sitting in that fucking conference room for over an hour. We had moved in there with the lawyers after Tanya was granted her parole. Now they were discussing me and Jazz. I wasn't fucking paying attention to anything but the table and Jazz.

He was staring at her. His eyes wide and for a long while I didn't think they were even fucking blinking. He didn't move any other part of his body. He'd just blink his eyes slowly and stare at that fucking bitch across the table.

It was fucking ridiculous. The power one fucking person could have over another. It didn't matter how big or small you were. How fucking smart or dumb you were. Once someone wormed their way into your brain and controlled your thoughts you couldn't fight it.

It was like Bella with her father. Charlie Swan was an ass. A fucking ignorant fool who pissed away his opportunity to get to know his kids. That's why I got in trouble standing up to Emmett Fucking Swan every damn day that he told his sister to get a grip. I never had the nerve to swing a punch at him, but I wasn't afraid to get in his face and cuss out his lack of support. Charlie never abused Bella but she was in pain just the same.

And I knew all too well what it was like to have someone in your head making you feel less. Making you doubt everything goddamn thought you've ever had.

Tanya sat across from me in her pink sun dress and auburn ponytail and I cowered like a fucking dog. I kept trying to picture Bella's face. If I could just think about her eyes.

_Fuck_. _Nothing. Where is she? I couldn't even remember what color her eyes were_… _Fuck_.

I glanced back at Jazz-still just fucking staring across the table. He looked kind of fucking creepy like he was in pain, but trying to squish it down with the backs of his eyes. I shook my head and put my hands on the table.

_Bella. Fuck. Where was Bella? _My hands fidgeted together and my knee started jumping under the table.

_Fuck_. _I needed my Bella something bad right now. Right. Fucking. Now_.

"Mr. Turner I am fully aware of everyone's rights in this room," Carlisle was arguing with the bitch's lawyer. No big fucking surprise she was trying to claim custody of the two of us. Big fucking shock—it was because my uncle was officially filing for adoption.

He wanted to formally, legally and officially make us Cullens.

_Fucking bleeding heart_.

My leg was nearly vibrating the solid wood table with the desperate rocking.

_Where the fuck was Bella?_

"Mr. Cullen," the sleaze defended. "You're just going to have to understand the court's position on this. You are a divorced…"

"Unmarried," Carlisle corrected in a clipped tone.

"Ah, yes, that is yet another question that we have." Fucking prick sounded like he was getting pleasure out of this. "What happened to your wife?"

I actually perked up in a sadistic fucking interest at that question. A bit of Cullen family mystery—even Jake never knew what happened to Mary Alice Brandon, his mother. She kind of was gone before Jake took his first steps. And no one ever talked about it.

"She left." End-of-fucking-story was the tone in Carlisle's response now.

_You just had to fucking love Carlisle_.

"Yes…" Sleazy McSleazster responded. "You must see why the court would have an issue with you being granted guardianship of these two boys when there is just the one parent."

_What the fuck! He had Alice._

"Then the court should recognize that I have not only my son, but my adopted daughter already in my care."

_Fuck yah, Carlisle!_

"Yes…" _Fuck_. That guy could truly make your skin crawl. "That is the point. Is it really necessary to force so many children into a single parent house? Wouldn't the boys have more freedom and security in a home with two caring adults and no other dependents?"

Fuck, I forgot about Tanya's in prison hook up. Joe Fuck-if-I-care was sitting in the corner, I think. I just kept staring at my fucking hands.

_Fuck that bitch to hell where she belonged._

_Where was Bella?_

Carlisle alone was fucking better than a hundred Tanya's any day.

"No," Carlisle countered. "These boys have been abused in that situation before. They deserve any life that can keep them from it…"

"But I've changed." _Fuck_. The sugarcoated venom from that bitch's mouth was making every muscle in my body lock up. It was truly the fucking tongue of the Devil. "I want my boys to come home with me big brother." _Fuck_. I hated that she tainted the Cullen name with her heritage. She didn't deserve to be related to my uncle.

"That trick is not going to get you paid today, Tanya."

_Fuck_! _You had to fucking love Carlisle_.

"These boys were abused. You…"

I gripped my hands into white fucking knuckled fists. I could feel Carlisle's eyes on me.

_Where the fuck was Bella?_

"You beat Edward." His voice was somber and grave. "They were malnourished and you allowed men of questionable natures to be around them. They will not leave this place with you."

_Fuck_. I wanted more than anything in the world to trust those words. I wanted to be able to trust that if it were in his power, Carlisle would make that promise truth.

"Mr. Cullen," the other one of the bitch's lawyer spoke up. "With so many children in your house how can you promise that these boys will be properly raised? Edward has not had any fewer problems in school under your care. And it is apparent that both boys are prone to social outburst and misdemeanor behaviors."

_Shit_! I never considered us fucking around as reflection on Carlisle. We were the fuck ups—he was the saint.

"These boys are not leaving with you, Tanya." He didn't raise his voice but you could feel the force of that statement in the air of the conference room.

"Mr. Cullen," the lawyers began again. It suddenly struck me that I hadn't heard Carlisle's lawyers speak up. They were the best that money could buy and clearly they had counseled my uncle on everything that he could and could not say.

_Pretty damn smart_. I wold imagine it was truly fucking intimidating to sit across from Carlisle right now.

"No."

"Mr. Cullen, be reasonable."

Carlisle ignored the pleas of her lawyers, narrowing his eyes at his baby sister, he simply asked her, "how much?"

_Fuck_. The air left the room and for the first time I raised my head to see the bitch's face. I had to fucking know. How much were her precious fucking sons worth in her eyes. How little was the amount of monetary gain that she would waltz out of here with that replaced the motherly bond that she had crowed about for the last forty five fucking minutes?

I fucking glared in to her dark hazel eyes and waited.

_How. Fucking. Much. Bitch_.

She tried to look shocked for a second. Her wide eyes traveled to her precious baby. Jazz probably hadn't changed his facial expression at all. She seemed like she really was going to try and fucking sell it—bring in the biggest buck from the tears and the emotions and shit. But then she looked at me and I fucking broke her cool. Bitch had nothing on me anymore. I fucking had Bella. She could have all the fucking money in the world—she didn't get to fucking have me.

Tanya's face melted from sincere to sneer.

"Two million."

Short and fucking sweet. Million dollars babies—the two of us.

"Done," Carlisle agreed flatly, like this was some business deal and not a mother selling her sons.

Tanya's face fell slightly at the ease of the exchange.

"Mr. Cullen?"

Now Carlisle's lawyers chimed in.

"I must advise you that the adoption process will be under heavy review. You may give your sister this monetary stimulus as… a gift from her brother but the boys will still have to be formally adopted and the adoption will have to be handled in the proper way."

_Yeah, cause if not it will be painfully obvious that the bitch just sold us like she was a pimp and we were just two fucking hookers she had up for auction._

I saw Carlisle nod out of the corner of my eye. The bitch was staring at her brother and I was staring at her.

"Also, Mr. Cullen, it is important for you to keep in mind that the boys' will be under review as well. If during the four week probation the boys are in any way found to be in substandard conditions they will be sent back to the full guardianship of their mother." As the lawyer spoke Tanya's face turned slowly to leer at me. Her face spread with an evil grin and her eyes narrowed on mine.

Like she was fucking daring me to not fuck this up.

_Challenge fucking accepted bitch! _I thought as I remembered the girl waiting for me back home.

"Agreed." Carlisle's voice was resolute and strong in the conference room.

We all signed papers and Jazz and I were put on probation to become Cullens. I didn't speak to her at all. We walked out with Carlisle and I didn't look back. My brother hung his head a little as we descended the steps of the courthouse. He hadn't won his fight with the demon bitch today. I don't know that I won, but I knew I would never hang my head over that woman again.

_No fucking way_.

I flipped out my phone as we got into the cab. Bella was on speed dial. I let her sweet voice and excitement calm my nerves. My heart was kind of racing and when we reached the airport I felt like throwing up. It was some kind of fucking relief to know that I would see her in less than an hour.

I fucking needed my Bella right now.

Carlisle prepped the jet and we didn't talk to each other as we took our seats. Jazz just stared down at the city as we pulled away from it. I sketched in my book—knowing that I would never feel a need to see this fucking place again. I drew a picture for my girl—a two headed monster decapitated and drained of all its blood. Bella liked mythology and fairy tales. She would fucking like the symbolism. I smiled as I thought about her.

My fingers twitched to feel her. My nose burned to smell her. And my arms ached to hold her.

I let out on sharp chuckle as I drew Tanya's eyes on the head of the beast. Fucking bitch deserved to go down. But my humor was short lived. The eyes shown up at me in ironic glee- Fucking daring me in an all knowing kind of way.

_You will fuck this up, Edward_.

_Fuck_.

_Where the fuck was Bella?_


	12. Hello Darkness, my old friend

**Bookends By: Bella's Executioner.**

**Rating: M- this means if you're under 16 you are agreeing to break your own ToS by reading this and I'm not your mother so be responsible for yourself.**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is the sole owner of the world of Twilight. She is Bella's creator. I am Bella's Executioner.**

**A/N: Bookends is the very first fanfiction I started writing. It's been on this site, moved and come back. It has errors, fuck ups and lots of proofs that I'm human but it also has all of my heart and soul in it. I welcome you into this world of pain and love and hope that you enjoy. I also welcome your thoughts as you read—pm me or review and I'll be happy to discuss the story with you.**

**Chapter 12: Hello Darkness, my old friend**

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**Preface**:

**EPOV**

"Bella," I breathed against her lips. We didn't have much time. They would be here soon and I would be gone.

_Four fucking months! How could I fucking survive without her for four fucking months?_

I wanted to fucking close my eyes against the agony, but I would never close my eyes again. Not if I could see that fucking look shining in hers.

_Fuck_. Her sage eyes were relaxed and full of... _love_. She drew me into her eyes- fucking forced me to drown in every emotion that was layered inside her head.

_Fuck_.

Our breaths were not ragged and desperate but my pulse was throbbing in my neck.

_Fuck_. There was some kind of energy surrounding us- some kind of fucking force building in the air.

I was so fucking hypnotized by those eyes.

Everything was fucking heather and raindrops as her breath washed over my face. Her hand brushed across my forehead and pushed my hair back to my scalp. I was fucking crumpling. Whether I was going to become so fucking hormonal psychopath or just fall over and weep like some fucking depressed widow, I couldn't say.

"I love you."

_Fuck_. My breath stopped at her words. They were quiet. They were unexpected. And they were fucking honest as hell. In all the thousand of times that I had told Bella Swan that I loved her I had never fucking meant it as much as she did right now.

I was fucking flying from the thought.

_Bella fucking loved me!_ I could survive the next four fucking months. I could survive another four hundred fucking years if it meant that Bella would still fucking love me.

I didn't think about anything else once she said that. I could fucking survive anything else.

I leaned in and touched her lips with mine in the an unbelievably tender caress.

_I fucking loved her too._

I growled as she unzipped my fly, moving her delicate hand right toward my hard fucking dick. My eyes fucking rolled back in my head.

_Fuck yah_!

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**BPOV (the morning of Tanya's hearing, March 2007)**

I just kept staring at my phone.

_Talk about déjà fucking vu_.

My phone stared back at me empty and unaccommodating. I wanted so badly to be able to step through the device like it was a portal or something. I was irate that the technology limited me to only talking to Edward.

I wasn't good with words and Edward. I wasn't good with communicating with words at all. Case in point - my inability to tell him I loved him. If he were here in person he would see how my eyes were swimming in need to console him. He would feel my arms locked around him in that vice like tenacity that I had only toward him. And he would understand that maybe I couldn't say the word but in every fucking sense of the emotion I loved him.

The tears flowed without words. He would not be crying right now. But he would be hurting. I wanted to be there with him. I just wanted to stand in the back of the room so that he could just see me- know that I was there for him.

I turned on my laptop. I was too exhausted to write anything to him. It would all just be sappy shit about how bad I felt anyway. I placed my fingers over the eight keystrokes that would at least spell out the sentiment he so powerfully deserved.

_Ah crap. _I couldn't even type the word.

_A live foo_… close but no cigar.

I just stared at the computer screen… I wasn't accomplishing anything just sitting and staring at the screen. It didn't do any good to wallow in worry either.

I pulled my phone back out and sent Alice a text.

Edward hadn't technically asked me to go to prom…I'd fake-whined it out of him… but we were going anyway. It was kind of dumb. Neither of us really liked stuff like school dances. But Edward would be leaving for Boston in three months. And I wanted to experience one thing semi-normal for us to keep us going once he was gone. A memory that showed everyone around us that we could just be kids…normal kids.

Such a memory, however, required stunning eveningwear. I'd be willing to bet that Alice couldn't resist dressing us for that. She was always interested in an excuse to treat Edward and I like Barbie and Ken.

And maybe it would give us something to do together. Something that might help bridge this funky gap that seemed to be forming between us.

I'd been worried since yesterday morning-after Edward talked dirty to me on the phone. An interesting experience to say the very least. Edward had a sexy voice…especially when he said the word _fuck._ But unfortunately my nothing really came of it, because my body only knew how to respond to Edward's touch.

When I saw Alice I told her about it and she sneered with some sick satisfaction when I told her it just left me kind of unsatisfied. It was really rather scary—like I wasn't talking to Alice anymore.

Then when I saw her last night, she was fucking smug. She kept throwing me weird looks and dropping crude hints about satisfaction… like she had gotten some in the time we had been apart—even though I knew the only guy she would do it with was sleeping in a room next to my guy.

Then she was her usual-Alice by the time the movie we were watching was over. She hugged me and smiled. That same old Alice smile.

_Edward finally said yes! Let's hook up and get designs. 10?_

I would never be one of those savvy texters… _OMG… LOL… WTF_… It was all Greek to me and I would never get the hang of it. I just sent volumes of words for people to read on their phones. I wasn't the worst one in the bunch, though. Edward gave up even trying to figure out texting when he got his first cell phone.

He proclaimed that I was the only person he talked to anyway. And I hated the method of communication, so Edward hated it too.

I smiled as I thought of him.

Then I sulked as I thought of him.

_That bitch better not hurt him_.

It wasn't beneath me to track her down and punch her in her motherfucking face. I could do it, too. Edward had taught me how to throw a punch.

_But then he had regretted teaching me the first time I punched him_.

I sighed as I remembered some of the times I let my fist swing in his direction. I didn't like hitting Edward. I mostly only punched him once or twice and then snapped out of whatever insanity had forced me to do it. I really hated the idea that I was just added to long list of assholes who physically took out their aggression on him.

There was just some fucked up part of my brain that said I could do it because he would take it. I could hurt him because he would always come back.

And he would never hurt me.

_I'm so fucked up._

I couldn't stand hurting Edward, but I really did want to punch Tanya. It tempted me every minute of everyday that I had Edward in my life.

_If that bitch broke him today…she better fucking go into hiding._

My phone vibrated in my palm.

Edward had talked me out of individualized ringtones over the years. He had schooled me in the pleasure of vibration… in so many more ways than just the one…

I flipped it open to read Alice's response.

_Maybe more like 9—let's go to PA—do you think Marie's would have a sale this time of year? We can take the Volvo—Edward won't mind. See you then. Al._

I sat there eyes wide and mouth gaping at the message. The phone number was hers and the name signed at the end was hers. But… who the fuck wrote the message? Alice Cullen had never insisted on shopping for outfits for social events. She never would have suggested we buy something off-the-rack for something even half as important as prom. And she sure as fuck would have never even thought about wearing something she got for a bargain…

_C U 2morrow_.

I was not at all impressed by my attempt at text lingo. Nine a.m.—that gave me roughly four hours.

I ambled over to my bed. I had taken to sleeping days again during Edward's absence. School was not an option without him. I just sat around mopey and depressed. That was actually the first morning I had left the tree house at all.

Mom didn't push me on the whole Bella-can't-survive-without-Edward thing. She didn't want to deal with emotional-outburst-screaming-Bella again… who could fucking blame her. I hated dealing with that bitch too. I hated feeling trapped behind her while she screamed all the wrong things in all the wrong contexts to the people I loved.

Like I did many nights I thought about how well Alice and Edward and even Jazz handled their pasts. None of them seemed to have half the issues I did.

_And what issue did I have that required all this grief? _I asked myself. I searched the darkness in front of me for that answer. I had no clue why I did the things I did. Maybe I was the spoiled bitch that my brother called me when he told me to grow up.

Maybe I was just an idiot.

I lay on my side and hugged my Axel doll… it was lame. But I was in a video game store with Emmett on Saturday, and missing Edward completely, when I found him. Em tried to explain who he was I got something about Kingdom Hearts and something else about video games that just went right over my fucking head. I didn't really give a fuck what he really was. He was twelve inches of Edward in plush form to me.

He had perfectly pale skin and he was dressed all in black. His features were made out of cotton and felt but his nose was perfectly straight and his eyes were wide and open. I used fabric paint to match his exact shade of chocolate brown when I got him home. And his flaming red hair stuck up in a masterful disarray that made me pine for my favorite head of bronze colored locks.

_Okay, he really didn't look a thing like Edward but when I locked eyes with him… I just felt like Edward was there._

I clutched him close when I slept… nowhere near as satisfied as I was with the real Edward in my arms.

I awoke to my phone alarm buzzing. Eight thirty. I took a shower and got dressed. I grabbed a pop tart and threw it in the toaster. Mom was already out and Em was at school.

Alice didn't have the threat of high school education hanging over her every move. Carlisle allowed her to be on home studies since she was a needed for her business.

My mind wandered as I left the house. I wondered what would change if Carlisle adopted Edward and Jazz.

_If Carlisle adopted them? _I stopped short as I crossed from the Swan side of the yard to the Cullen side. _When. Not if. There could never be another if in Edward's life_.

_When. When. When_. I chanted silently in my mind as I hopped up the steps to the front door.

"Bella," Alice called from the driveway. I hadn't noticed her there. She was leaning against my boyfriend's cherished silver car like she was a kid about to steal some candy from the cupboard. I shuddered internally at the thought. Sometimes I thought Edward loved that freaking stupid shiny silver Volvo more than he did me.

Cars were freedom. Edward liked having freedom.

_I couldn't fault him for that._

"Sorry Alice," I said turning on my heel and heading toward the car. "Didn't see you."

She smirked. Same old Alice today.

_Good. Emotional-outburst-bitchy-Bella couldn't handle fucking-scary-mean-Alice today_.

We gabbed about everything and never really said anything on the drive to Port Angeles. It was kind of funny. For a few short hours it was like we went back in time. Back to before Edward and Jazz came to live with Dr. Cullen. Returning to when Alice and I didn't have so much shit getting between us.

When I was only beginning to really hate my dad.

We tried on dresses in several shops. Even I, the eternally-allergic-to-all-things-retail-girl, had to admit it was pretty fun. Alice and I had never just gone shopping. There was never really any need. Alice could design and create clothes that were better than anything you found in a store. Sure we visited P.A. to buy stuff for holidays and stuff like that. But never any clothing shopping. It was another one of those stupid normal girlie moments for me. Like getting to go to the prom with my high school sweetheart, shopping with my best friend was just something I never thought I would get to do.

And even Alice was excited and having fun. She would giggle and shimmy in her dresses. I would blush and hide from the giant mirrors in mine.

_Seriously who were they freaking kidding with the wall of fucking judgment that was those mirrors?_

Eventually we settled on two perfect dresses. Well, as perfect as the racks and the sale price would allow. Another great bonus of having a pint sized designer as your best friend. Free expensive clothes.

We ate lunch and headed back home. I was really anxious with each mile that drew us closer to Forks.

_Edward should be calling soon. How long did parole hearings take? _I wondered.

"You worried about the boys?" Alice asked. I was honestly truly shocked that she did. Alice had made talking about Jazz off limits since New Year's. I had seriously wondered for a while if he had tried something at that party. Just the way they both looked when Edward and I found them in the garden… the way that Alice's eyes looked.

Guilty. Ashamed.

"Yeah," I said pulling myself from the confused thoughts. "Edward didn't seem surprised about what you had said about the lawyers."

"That's because Dad had a big talk with them before they left." Alice was focused on the road but her eyes were somewhere else as she explained. "He had a long talk with all of us. Asked all of us to be brutally honest. We sat in the living room and laid it all out."

_Wow, that seemed very democratic and open of a parent to do_.

"Did you ever hear what happened to Jake's mom?" She inclined her head to me briefly to see my shake my mine.

Mary Alice Brandon was the stuff of Forkian urban legend. Some people say she never really existed. That Dr. Cullen was just given Jake by some pack of stray wolves that found him in the woods. Mom would just kind of change the subject. And no one would ever disrespect Dr. Cullen enough to ask him about it.

"Jake told me once, that he remembers her leaving…remembers that they were fighting all of the time by then. It's kind of crazy cause he would have only been about two when she left. But I know as good as anyone that you hold on to traumatic shit for a long time... with perfect fucking clarity," she muttered bitterly.

I was just silent as she shared. I didn't dare breath wrong. Alice never discussed the bad shit in her life. As far as I knew, all the years that I was best friends with her, that shit was just gone from her mind. Like she willed those bad memories away and didn't start keeping memories in her mind until she was a Cullen.

"He says he thinks she was pregnant when she left. Says Dad was pretty tore up for years with searching through med records for a kid. He had no clue where she went or if she even had the baby but he says it was pretty damn hard. It hurt him more to lose the possibility of a second child more than it really did to lose his wife."

_Damn, poor Dr. Cullen_.

"So…" Alice's hands tightened around the stirring wheel. Her eyes were lost in thought again. "When Dad found me, and wanted me to be a Cullen, he had a family meeting with Jake…. And me"

I tried not to show the wrong emotion. Interest, I conveyed interest. But confusion was mostly what I felt.

"See, Dad sees it as a choice. He feels Mary didn't have a choice… that maybe he didn't give her the opportunity to make one. And he feels that cost him a very important life in his world. He refused to have that happen again. And then, of course, there was also the matter of how he has blindly helped Tanya."

I growled at the sound of _her _name.

Alice laughed—tinkling and musical. "Yeah, but that was something he hated but he had to do. He felt he owed her everything because she was family. And family is the most important thing to Dad. So when he decided to make me a member of the family he said we had to lay it all out. Jake had to say his part. And I had to say mine. And even Dad had stuff to say too."

I was pretty buzzed on my admiration for Dr. Cullen.

_Wish I could have a Dad like that_.

"So, Friday morning we had our family meeting. He told us he wanted to adopt the boys. He had a particularly long talk with just Jazz and me about our relationship." She laughed. "I told him I thought it would be fun to be able to introduce him as my brother slash boyfriend." I laughed with her. We were reaching the city limits of Forks. The woods were so familiar it was almost painful to see them. I was suddenly depressed again because Edward wouldn't be there when I got back home.

"Anyway, we all agreed. Ed and Jazz were Cullens. End of story." She was silent after that. It was just a weird moment for me. We were still fifteen minutes from our homes and I couldn't fill the silence.

It was kind of a non sequitur conversation. I supposed it made sense with talking about the adoption. But I wondered if it was more than that for Alice. She didn't say anything or indicate that she wanted me to talk more about it. And I was terrified to say the wrong thing. Some odd feeling in the back of my mind was gnawing on the thought that she was trying to tell me something because of it.

I shook my head. Two seconds before I was out of the car Edward called. I was soaring by the time I got to my room. That harpy was on parole but the boys were in Carlisle's custody still. And they were coming home early.

I hung my newly acquired prom dress up—just the right shade of green to match my eyes. Edward would be home in less than an hour. I was sort of giddy but then I saw my bed and I was suddenly exhausted. Four days without him had been like a year in purgatory.

I collapsed onto my bed with the weight of him facing his _Tanya-demon_, and me trying to connect to my Alice problem. I could almost smell him—rain kissed lilacs and honey. I was out.

**-**-Bookends-**-**

_Bella_…

I moaned. I wasn't ready to get up. I was having a good dream. I was warm and surrounded by Edward's scent. I was so comfortable and happy. It was like it was four years ago.

_Back when I was a totally different Bella_.

I burrowed my face in my pillow—God my pillow was stiff and hard. I squeezed my Axel tighter in my embrace—he was a bit more substantial and muscular than I remembered too.

"Bella? Would you like to get the fuck up now?"

I smiled—the big ass goofy smile.

"Edward," I purred. I kept my eyes closed and let my other senses drink him in. He chuckled, deep and husky in his broad chest. The chest that I was laying on. I felt his breath and heartbeat against my ear. And his strong back was warm on my fingertips. I buried my nose into his neck and inhaled deep.

I missed him so much. He chuckled again.

"Get the fuck up already. I have to pee."

I laughed at that. I raised my head to see him—he was magnificent to see when you first opened your eyes.

"How long was I out?" I asked sleepily.

He traced my lips with his finger. I couldn't even focus on the way his touch made me feel. There was something in Edward's eyes—that intense emotion that was captivating every other interest in my body. If I didn't know better I'd call that the look of love.

"Don't know," he said and shrugged. "Don't fucking care."

He smiled—dazzling and beautiful.

My breath was kind of ragged as I took in that continued pointed stare.

"Welcome home," I told him.

"Thanks," he whispered.

**-**-Bookends-**-**

Four weeks.

Edward and Jazz had just twenty eight days to show that they were normal, average, teenage boys.

_No big deal, right?_

For any two other fucking teenage boys it would be no big deal.

"Bad idea," I said shaking my head as I got in to the Volvo on the Tuesday afternoon. It hadn't even been twenty four hours from the time they were put on probation. And he hadn't told me what they were planning but I saw the way he and Jazz winked at each other in the hall after school. I knew him way too well to not know something was up.

"Bella," Edward chided as he tore out of the parking lot. Where the hell he thought the fire was whenever he got behind the wheel of this damn car I would never know. He drove like a maniac—a completely in control one, but a crazy person none the less.

"We aren't planning anything."

_That's right Masen keeping your eyes forward because you know you can't lie to me when you look at me_.

"Look at me."

I wouldn't dick around with this. There were twenty seven days in front of us. And my guy was notorious with crapping out on the final hour—not on purpose just a self destruct mechanism. I only understood it because I had one too.

He turned with a heavy sigh. His eyes glanced at me but then shifted quickly back to the road.

_Crap_. _They were planning something really stupid_.

"Look at me!" I practically screamed.

"I have to drive too!" he yelled. That was a miserable fucking excuse. Edward could navigate the back roads to our houses with a fucking blindfold on—even with traffic on the road.

"Edward Anthony Masen Jr.!" He turned to glare at me. "You will NOT fuck this up!" I commanded.

He slammed on the breaks. We were in the middle of a wooded area at the edge of town. I really hoped that no logging trucks came by at the wrong minute. He sat frozen with an intense glare at me. I couldn't tell if he was angry or if he was ashamed or what the fuck he was.

"I…" he dropped his eyes to search not in the car but in his mind for the right thing to say.

"What were you and Jazz talking about?" I whispered. I admit I resorted to my most powerful weapon for first string of defense. I didn't have time to dick around with this. It was my responsibility to keep him on track. He would not fail if I had anything to say about it. So I whispered my _magic_ whisper.

He glared again. This time I knew it was anger—he hated that he was going to admit everything to me because he could not resist that damn whisper.

"Jazz and I were going to meet _the gang _in La Push."

_Shit_.

"When?" I leered.

"Tonight," he sighed.

"Edward," I warned.

"It was planned months ago, Bella," he half-whined in an exasperated way that was meant to tell me don't worry about it.

I clenched my fists and counted to one hundred.

_I was going to fucking punch him_. Edward had promised me that night on the dock that he was giving up that stupid shit. Mostly he had—spending all of his free time getting me off, or just being with me until the time was right to get me off.

But I knew better than to be dumb enough to believe that he would let go of _the gang_. The stupid pack of boys from school and from the Res' that hung out together and did stupid shit at stupid times.

Em and Jake used to be a part of the gang but they gave up the stupid shit to be together.

_Fifty one. Fifty two. Fifty three._

The gang had formed when we were kids. And like with all things in my life when teenagehood hit they went crazy. They became some stupid ass secret club that did stupid ass shit… Edward never gave me too many specifics. He told me once that some of the boys brought their girls along sometimes but after the look I gave him when he suggested it he didn't push for me to join in.

Getting shit faced on my own terms was one thing. Lifting cars or dropping acid or jumping off of fucking cliffs in the dead of winter was something else entirely. Luckily the gang only did their stupid shit two or three times a year—unfortunately the boys in the gang felt very loyal to the pact of being in it and that fucking stupid night was tonight.

_Right at the start of the most important fucking month of his life._

"No," I said flatly. I tried to sound confident that I could stop him but I knew if he really wanted to do something I couldn't fight it. I held my chin up. I didn't really have any power over him but that didn't really matter did it.

_He'd listen to me right? He knew it was right…. Right?_

His glare intensified. He gripped the steering wheel and the stick in his hands. White knuckles and homicidal eyes. I squeaked when the horn started blaring behind us. Edward was an ice sculpture of rage.

_Fuck, he just might actually punch me this time._

The horn kept blaring. He kept staring. I just glared right back. I wouldn't let him fuck this up.

Finally he thawed and gunned the car down the winding road to his driveway. Once we were there he slammed on the breaks and we both slid forward slightly from the force of the stop.

We sat in the car, not talking. His breaths were rough with the obvious rage he was holding back.

_Okay big guy… count to one hundred… please don't hurt me_…

"You…"

_Shit his face was practically purple_.

His hands just gripped the steering wheel. I imagined that it would come off the console with the sheer force of his anger.

"You fucking actually have the fucking nerve…" He glared at my big fucking doe-eyed face.

"You…" he laughed humorless, breathless and sharp. "You're actually going to fucking sit there and throw that fucking hypocrisy at me?"

_Shit. He had me there._

"Yes." It had no sound behind it, but I still meant it.

_I'd let him beat me up—if it meant he didn't go do something really fucking stupid tonight_. It was stupid to say, but then I knew Edward would never hurt me like that so it was easy to say.

"Bella," he turned away and stared out of his window for a long moment. His breaths calmed and his hands loosened. I should have felt relieved. But I knew Edward way to fucking well to feel relieved.

"Fuck you," he spat as he got out of the car.

I sat in the deafening silence of his treasured automobile.

_We were kindred fucking sisters this car and me_. We were both possessions of Edward fucking Masen. Things that he loved and used. He told me he loved me. But was that any more of the emotion than what he felt for this car? I rolled my tear filled eyes. It wasn't fair to push blame off on him. I didn't want him to get hurt. I didn't want him to get sent away.

But mostly I just didn't fucking know what I wanted. And it was never fair to Edward. I felt the sleek leather upholstery on my back. Was I something more than just something he fucking owned… yes. Right? Was he something more than someone I used? I didn't know.

I shut the door gently with a quiet click. And I practically tiptoed to the tree house. He wouldn't be there. He wouldn't go up there at all that night. I knew that he wouldn't go down to La Push either.

_Because I was a fucking monster and I made him feel guilty_.

That one little _yes _I'd offered him in the car was proof that I didn't trust him. It said that I knew if he went down there tonight he would do something to fuck up his probation. It told him that I could do whatever the fuck I wanted in my life because I was in more control of myself than Edward was.

_Shit_. I was sobbing by the time I reached the mattress.

_How could one person be such a fucking monster? _I ran my cheek against the sheet. Edward made me feel so much pleasure here. He made everything in my world feel better in this place—on this very spot.

_And I repaid him by telling him he just wasn't fucking good enough_. I buried my face in the sheet and prayed for suffocation. At least my death might free Edward from my power over him.

**-**-Bookends-**-**

When I woke up I could hear laughing—teenage boy kind of laughing.

"Edward?" I whispered. It was dark outside—very dark. I guessed it was either midnight or just after. I'd had a lot of experience with looking out at the night from this room. I was pretty good with guessing the time from here.

I was alone in the dark and suddenly feeling pretty damn cold.

_Poor Edward_. I sniffed as the remains of my tears dried on my cheeks.

I rubbed my eyes. There was that laughing again. I recognized Alice's laugh… and Jazz's.

_Shit. He didn't. He wouldn't_…

I scrambled to the edge of the tree house. I could make out three dark figures getting in to the parked Volvo in the Cullen driveway. Two were easy to identify—little tiny Alice with Jazz's arms slung over her shoulders. The third one I wasn't sure about. It was the right build and the right height to be Edward, but I couldn't see the face. When the car was unlocked and the third one slid into the driver's seat I knew.

No one drove Edward's car but Edward. Just like no one fucking touched me but Edward. I was a fucking ball of homicidal rage in that moment.

_To fucking think I had cried for what I did to him. To consider that I had thought I could have that much power over him_. My impotence mixed with my fear for him and combined to make social-outburst-Bella evolve into going-to-do-some-real-fucking-damage-Bella.

I flew out of the tree house and ran to my old dirt bike. I hadn't ridden it in years. In fact I had given it to Em because Jake loved to ride his through the woods on clear days. I kicked it on and tore off after the motherfucking silver Volvo.

_That fucking prick! How dare he do this! I'll fucking show him_.

Rational thinking Bella never hung around to deal with outburst Bella and right now she felt like a distant memory. There was no room for rational fucking thinking in my mind that night.

_He was so fucking stupid! It didn't fucking matter if I killed myself when I did stupid shit—I wasn't being watched and I wasn't risking losing everything when I did it._

I gunned the bike faster in to the night and turned off my headlight. La Push wasn't far but I had no idea where I was going. I was sure the town hall was not the destination. I tired to keep up with him enough to not get lost but I didn't want him to see me coming. Edward had a sixth fucking sense about me. I was surprised each time I rounded a corner that he wasn't stopped and waiting for me.

He pulled off the main road two miles into La Push. We were heading out past the old Black place. Billy Black had lived one quiet life back in the woods. He was an okay guy. I was always a little awkward around him when my mom sort of dated him back when I was really little. And he threw a mean cookout, even told great legend stories at all the bonfires. So I couldn't understand what the boys were doing gathering on his land.

_What the fuck did they have planned tonight?_

I killed the engine as I passed the shed behind Billy's yard. The bike was a lot louder than a car and I could see that the car was parked just at the entrance of the forest.

_Fucking teenage boys!_

_What the fuck was their problem!_

I hid the bike at the back of the shed—it looked like it kind of belonged there anyway.

I snuck up to the Volvo. When I got to it I saw that there were four other cars parked in the darkness too. I kicked the back hubcap as I came up the silver traitor.

_You could have fucking stopped working. We have to be in this together you know—he'll leave you too_.

I rolled my eyes. Now I was chastising inanimate objects.

_I was so fucking nuts._

I could hear them before I got to the trees.

_Fucking teenage boys! _They were howling at the moon. _Lunatics_!

I saw the huge bonfire when I cleared the yard. They were dancing around it—fucking naked and strung out.

_Fucking teenage boys!_

Alice was laughing—somewhere. I couldn't see her. I couldn't see Jazz either. So I wasn't fucking surprised that I didn't see Edward.

I watched the gang do their thing. I was rather revolted by the whole experience. It was enough to make me clean up my fucking act. Though truthfully since Edward had started paying me so much intimate attention, I really hadn't bothered getting shitfaced.

They had some sort of pill. I saw two new boys arrive and a small boy was sitting off to the side—fully clothed. He handed them the pill and what looked like beer in a plastic cup. As soon as the boys tossed back the pill and drank the beer they went insane. They stripped off their clothes and joined in around the fire like it was some fucking pyre and they were cave men.

I rolled my eyes again.

_Fucking dumbass teenage boys!_

I thought about what they were doing—what they were fucking willing to do to themselves. Edward knew what they were doing down here tonight—and he was willing to fucking do this rather than keep his promise to me.

_Well fuck him too!_

I walked toward the boy that was obviously not consuming the pills. He must have been the supplier…or some kind of designated sane person for the night. Edward had said girls were brought to these things.

_Hell, Alice was here somewhere_.

I could easily lie and say I was here with my boyfriend. I'd get the same fucking trip he was willing to put himself under and then he would see.

_What he fucking did to himself, he fucking did to me_.

"Hi," I said to the boy. A little aggressive and probably wearing a pretty lethal looking face to match.

"Hey back," he offered. I think I recognized him as one of the guys who came to Edward's house for poker night a few times. He was nice. A real sweet kid. What the fuck was he doing here?

"You got it?" I was never a patient girl.

"Who are you here with?" That was fucking flattering. I could recognize him just fine but Edward's fucking girlfriend of four years was not that easy to pick out in a line up. Though, in all honesty Edward had never introduced me to the boys.

"I'm Bella," I said for some stupid reason I was reaching out my hand to shake his. _Dummy_.

His eyes kind of got wide for a moment. Like he knew my fucking name better than my face. It kind of pissed me off.

_What the fuck did Edward tell these assholes about me?_

"Oh," he said. He nodded briskly. "Didn't think Edward would ever get here tonight." He laughed then. I grimaced and laughed just to play along.

_Just give me the fucking pill, Junior_.

He leaned back and got the pill and the cup. "Now, make sure you're around Eddie when you take this."

_Eddie_? My stomach turned at the sound. Edward's name was too good for a nickname. It made him sound cheap to have it shortened like that.

"Why?" I said eyeing the drug. I had smoked pot and I had even considered trying some crack—though Edward really wanted to punch me that night. But I hadn't heard of a buddy system pill.

"It's just better if you feel safe when you drop it. It has some fucking punch to it."

I nodded like I knew what the fuck he was talking about. I would have loved to have Edward near me but the asshole was presently only thinking of himself. I did wondered where he was though.

Maybe he already did his and was off enjoying the hit with Jazz and Alice. It pissed me off anew to think he trusted them more than me to do this drug with. I watched the boys swaying by the fire.

_Fuck him. I felt safe enough here. I didn't think anyone would hurt me_.

I swallowed the pill and downed the beer.

I watched the flames.

_Fuck that shit worked fast_.

Already I could feel my heart speeding up. The flames were kind of jumping out toward me. I jumped back when I saw it. They wanted to lick my skin—they wanted to burn the monster out of me.

_Fuck_. My heart was a fucking jackhammer in my chest. _Where the fuck was Edward?_

I tore off my clothes. I was so fucking hot, practically suffocating from the constriction of my clothes. And the flames had less of a chance of jumping on to me without my clothes.

My skin was starting to feel too tight too. I could feel the monster inside of me.

_Maybe I should just let the fucking flames eat it._

_Where the fuck was Edward?_

One of the boys by the fire turned around and noticed me.

_What the fuck was his problem? And what the fuck was that screaming sound. It sounded like an animal was being slaughtered_.

_Where the fuck was Edward?_

My heart was running so hard and fast in my chest that I was sure it would just stop soon.

Now all the boys were turned away from the fire and staring at me.

_What the fuck? Had they never seen a naked girl before? _The flames shot out again.

_Fuck. Edward._

That sound was getting louder—more frantic. All at once I was staring up at the stars—everything was moving fast.

_Hot. Scary. Really fucking scary_.

That's when I realized that the noise was tearing from my chest. I was practically foaming from the mouth. Alice's face was above me but I couldn't fucking care to find that comforting.

Everything was going black.

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**EPOV (midnight in his bedroom)**

I paced back and forth in the abnormally large room.

_Who the fuck was she! She was Isabella Motherfucking Swan, that's who—fucking hypocrite extraordinaire!_

_She was fucking princess Bella on her high and mighty fucking throne of judgment._

_She was some fucking monster who wanted to fucking control me._

_And she was fucking right._

I sighed and sat on the floor under my bedroom window.

_Fucking Bella and her always being fucking right_.

I just didn't want her to be right because I had hopped I had become something fucking more—at least in her eyes. I had hoped that Bella fucking believed in me. That Bella wouldn't fucking stop trusting me. Shit, that Bella fucking started trusting me to begin with.

But she fucking proved it today. Showed that it didn't matter how much I gave her, how much I pleased her—she would always see me the way every other motherfucker sees me.

_Edward Masen the world-class fuck up._

I sighed and pulled out the last cigarette I had stashed in my jacket pocket.

_It was going to be one long fucking night._

I had only planned on going down there to say goodbye to the guys. It was the last retreat I had planned with them. The rule was you were out at eighteen—and I was going to be turning that after this last stunt.

I didn't want to do whatever fucking ridiculous thing Paul was cooking up tonight. I was sure it involved drugs. I dropped out of that shit two years ago. Bitch spiked my drink with some shit back then and the trip was so fucking hard that I couldn't see Bella for two days since I was afraid of fucking hurting her.

So now I just hung out and fucking talked with the guys. They were pretty fucking sick of it. Seth Clearwater was usually the designated sober one. His mom, Sue, was a fucking narc when it came to finding out what we were doing. So Seth didn't really have a choice but to stay clean on the nights when drugs or alcohol were involved. And by default he usually got to sit and fucking listen to me talk.

Seth didn't mind so much—he thought my stories were fucking hilarious. They were fucking all about Bella. Seth had a kind of fucking crush on her. He'd never admit it around me because he liked not have a fucking broken nose. But I could tell. She worked her magic on him without even meeting him in person.

I sighed again. I had kind of hoped to take Bella down there tonight to meet Seth. It would be my last opportunity. The Res' boys never really liked coming down to Forks. Seth had done poker night a time or two but I couldn't remember Bella ever really meeting him.

I was looking forward to his fucking aneurism when he tried not to stare at Bella's tits. I'd kick his fucking ass when he did it—but I knew he'd try hard not do it first.

That thought disgusted me. Bella wasn't some fucking toy to take out in front of the guys to show off.

_Shit, she had every fucking right to think less of me_.

There was a knock on my door. Jazz. It was time for them to go. He was taking Mike Motherfucking Newton along on the trip. Mike Fucking Newton of all people. I kind of smirked at the thought of Newton flipping out over whatever drug Paul slipped him—fucking priceless.

_Would've been fucking sweet to see._

I sighed again.

"Hey bro," Jazz leaned in. "We're leaving. You sure about this?" Jazz raised his eyebrows. I just fucking nodded.

_Fucking whipped._

But then I let that anger that I had resented in Bella's eyes fill my own. "You better fucking mean what you said about just enjoying the night," I threatened. Me fucking my chances up was one thing. Jazz fucking it up was a whole other thing. I couldn't protect him from that.

"I'm taking the jailbait along as watchdog," he promised. I rolled my eyes. Alice wasn't much better than any of us these days.

_She kind of fucking reminded me of Bella, circa age fourteen_.

I shook my head at the thought.

_Luckily Bella was sleeping in the tree house right now. She was pretty fucking predictable_.

I was just glad that she would be out and not watching them drive way. She'd probably throw the guilt trip on fucking Jazz too. Probably even find a way to make Newton feel fucking guilty for putting himself in danger.

_Fuck_.

I heard my car pull out.

_Fucking Newton was driving_. I could fucking tell. My baby seemed to whine all the way down the street that she hated being touched by that prick. I heard her. I fucking heard her. But I also heard her Bella's voice in my head—_yes_.

_Fuck_.

I was pretty damn surprised when I heard the dirt bike start up. It was Bella's. I would fucking recognize that motor anywhere. I leaned out the window in time to see her tear out onto the road.

_What the fuck was she doing?_

I ran down to the kitchen and got Jake's keys. I would borrow the truck just for tonight. He was over with Em while Esme pulled the night shift at the station. I just fucking needed to get Bella and figure out what the fuck she was doing.

_Fuck the girl was hard to tail_.

She flew down the winding forest road to La Push. She rode with her headlight off.

_Why the fuck would she turn that off? _It was fucking midnight on a winding forest road. I had to drive slower than I liked because I was fucking terrified of hitting her.

I rolled my eyes when I reached Billy's place. He had offered the spot to us last summer but we didn't really have use for it until tonight.

_Paul and his fucking fire dances_.

I found Bella's bike hidden by the shed and it was pretty fucking easy to find my car. I walked up to it slowly. I felt like a goddamn pimp who had let it get sold for the night. I actually petted the hood. I noticed a tiny dent in the back hubcap.

_What the fuck?_

Then I heard it—the motherfucking scream. The worst motherfucking sound I had ever fucking heard in my life.

_Fuck_.

_What the fuck was going on?_

I didn't think I just flipped out my phone and dialed 9-1-1. I would fucking deal with the consequences later. I recognized the voice on the other end of that scream. It was hoarse and it sounded like a savage fucking dog that was being beaten but it was Bella.

I followed the sound of Alice screaming her name.

_Fuck_.

And as the operator answered I saw her.

_FUCKING CHRIST!_

She was writhing on the ground. Fucking naked and struggling against Alice and Jazz as they tried to restrain her. Her eyes were wild and her head was whipping from side to side.

Everything in my fucking world stopped.

I stopped fucking caring about anything.

I stopped thinking.

I stopped moving.

_What the fuck was happening to her?_

Then I saw her head fall back and her eyes close.

Everything fucking started up again—fast as a fucking bullet.

I was throwing Jazz and Alice off while I was relaying to the operator what was going on.

"BELLA!" I screamed.

"BELLA!" I followed the instructions. I felt for a pulse.

_FUCKING CHRIST! There wasn't one._

My fucking heart stopped when I realized hers had too.

"CPR!" I screamed.

_I had no fucking clue how to do it. _

Jazz was on top of her then. He had taken classes when he volunteered as a basketball coach last summer.

_Thank fucking God that my brother was a do-gooder and learned that shit._

He pushed on her heart while he instructed Alice when to breathe.

_Good fucking thing that Alice was doing that, because I had no breath to spare. I could barely fucking breath at all_.

"BELLA! BELLA! BELLA!" I was bellowing her name.

No fucking response.

_What the fuck was going on? _

_Why the fuck wasn't she waking up?_

My mind was fucking coming out of my skull. Everything was black and fucking red.

"BELLA!"

Sobs were tearing from my chest.

Tears were flowing down my cheeks.

Each time Jazz pushed down on her chest I felt like I was being socked in my gut.

_FUCK!_

"BELLA!"

She shot up suddenly. I took a deep fucking breath when she did. She coughed and she gasped. And my fucking world started settling back down a little.

"Edward?" she croaked.

_Fuck_. I launched myself at her.

Kissing her face. Looking in to her eyes. I had never been so fucking scared in my life. I couldn't begin to fucking imagine this world without Bella.

_Fuck_.

"I'm sorry…" she rasped and I shushed her. The ambulance was on the way. She was going to get the best damn fucking care Forks, and the entire fucking West Coast had to offer. My uncle would see to that.

_FUCK_.

My uncle.

My soon-to-be-adopted-father.

_FUCK_. There was no way Bella going in to the hospital tonight would not end my probation.

_FUCK_. Jazz was here and by extension would be up for review too.

_FUCK_. There was no chance in hell that we were getting around this. I was the one who had called and Bella had to fucking go to the hospital.

_FUCK. FUCK. FUCK._

I looked over at Jazz. I threw Jake's keys at him.

_It just fucking had to be my fault._

"Take that back roads and don't be seen. You were never here."

Jazz looked at me meaningfully and a little fucking angry.

"You were never fucking here!" I screamed. He wasn't going to fucking go down with this. It was all my fault. He would stay here and become a fucking Cullen.

Alice pulled him back through the trees. Her adoption status was no less revocable for such fucking criminal acts.

Bella was fucking gasping and jerking in my arms. She just buried her face in my chest and shook like a terrified dog. I tried to sooth her. The gang cleared out. When Esme and the ambulance got here they would just find me and Bella.

I fucking rocked her in my arms.

_I'd keep her safe. I had fucking let this happen to her. Fucking pushed her to feeling she needed to prove something. If I had just fucking joined her in the tree house earlier tonight she never would have fucking come here._

_Fuck_.

_If I had just taken her to Renee at the wedding all those fucking years ago she would never have fucking become the girl she was today. She might have even pushed me the fuck away and ended up with someone good and clean. She could have fucking kept on being semi angry Bella instead of fucked in the head Bella._

The red and blue lights stung my eyes minutes later.

_Fuck_.

I tightened my arms around my Bella. Knowing it would probably be the last fucking time I got to do it in a really long time.


	13. Now I only kiss your shadow

**Bookends By: Bella's Executioner.**

**Rating: M- this means if you're under 16 you are agreeing to break your own ToS by reading this and I'm not your mother so be responsible for yourself.**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is the sole owner of the world of Twilight. She is Bella's creator. I am Bella's Executioner.**

**A/N: Bookends is the very first fanfiction I started writing. It's been on this site, moved and come back. It has errors, fuck ups and lots of proofs that I'm human but it also has all of my heart and soul in it. I welcome you into this world of pain and love and hope that you enjoy. I also welcome your thoughts as you read—pm me or review and I'll be happy to discuss the story with you.**

**Chapter 13: Now I only kiss your shadow**

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**EsmePOV (Forks police station midnight)**

I was on edge all night. You just knew when something was going to happen when you did a job like this for as many years as I had.

_Heck, you just knew when you were a mom. _

Something was going to happen tonight.

I sighed. I really didn't like the graveyard shift at the station. It kept me away from my kids just a little too much.

My kids.

Nightshifts at the station left me alone with my thoughts. Which always led to me facing my doubts of how well I lived my life away from work. How little I'd been able to just talk to my kids.

It was amazing to watch them grow up. They were so completely different in so many ways. Em had been born self sufficient while his sister was born in need of constant support.

He didn't have any problem when Charlie moved out. It was just one less headache to him. But Bella… she seemed to get worse everyday.

I don't know when I lost contact with that girl. We used to share everything. She'd be baking cupcakes when I'd get home from work and she'd ask me about my day.

_But then… he came to town. _

No. That wasn't fair. I'd had my doubts about Edward. And I had kept him under surveillance for a long time when he moved in with Carlisle. But I couldn't deny that Bella was whole different person around him.

And she never even knew it.

She was more moody and she could throw an attitude-induce fit faster than a cat at a hot tub convention. But she was also happy. Just hearing someone say his name made her eyes light up like Christmas. And when he came over for dinner she was calm and easy going.

The boy who punched his fists through walls and lit garbage cans on fire when he was a kid was the total opposite when he was around my daughter too. Edward was such a gentleman. He was attentive and patient with her. He was exactly the kind of boy I would want for her.

I released a slow breath and tried to focus on the paper work in front of me. My mind was still lost in Edward-and-Bella-ville.

They had had their fair share of fights. Sometimes hearing them go at in the backyard was like stepping back in time to hear Carlisle and Mary go at it under that same tree.

_There was a blast from the past—the fantastic four. The passionate Cullen pairing and the somber reserved Swans._

Charlie and I never went at it. He just buried himself at the office and one day was surprised that it was a petition for divorce that he signed instead of a contract.

I rolled my eyes at that. I was too stubborn for marriage…or maybe just too independent to be married to Charlie.

Maybe that was Bella's problem. She had far too much of me in her. That stubborn fire that made you mad enough to hit something. I got along with very few people growing up myself.

But with Edward she was a different person.

The phone rang.

_Gail would be upset that I answered it while she was in the bathroom_.

On one level she thought it was something I shouldn't have to worry about doing. She pushed me up on to some pedestal for being the chief that I didn't really appreciate. I was just a person. Just a civic servant like everyone else who wore this uniform.

But the reason I was always nervous about answering it was because she was territorial of her desk.

_I was willing to face her wrath in that moment…I was ready for whatever terrible thing was going to happen tonight to finally just happen already._

"Forks Police Station?"

_Okay, I'll admit that Gail had more of a flare for answering the phone than I did._

"Esme?"

_Carlisle Cullen, as I live and breath_.

I shook my head and started fanning myself with Gail's kitty post-it pad. The man did something to me that I couldn't deny.

"Hello," I tried to say without sounding like a mouth-breathing psychopath on the phone.

_Damn, I'm sure he could hear it in my voice. Did I just hear him clear his throat and chuckle softly? _

"Good news, the boys are on board—just one month of probation."

_That was wonderful news! Not quite as wonderful as the sound of his voice_…

"Great! I'm very happy for all of you, Carlisle. Those boys deserve a good home—and you deserve this too…"

_God! Could I sound anymore moronic?_

"Yeah." There was that chuckle again. "Umm… I'm supposed to notify local law enforcement to keep an eye out for the boys… and me. If in the next four weeks the boys' living conditions are found to be substandard, or the boys are caught breaking any major rules… well you know…"

I nodded. I didn't believe that would be a problem. The boys were good natured guys under their protectively rough exteriors. And they loved and respected their uncle very much. There was no way I could see them hurting this opportunity.

I switched over into Chief Swan voice.

"Will do, Dr. Cullen."

He chuckled out loud that time. _Damn. What the man didn't do to me_.

"Thanks."

The phone was kind of quiet for a moment after that.

_Did he want to stay on the phone with me as bad as I did with him?_

My relationship with Carlisle Cullen went back to my high school days—back when Charlie, Mary, Carlisle, and I were in school together. I had a crush on the blonde bad boy for pretty much all of my life. He had those dreamy eyes and adorable cheeks all of his. But I never had the courage to even speak to him until my best friend Mary Alice Brandon starting dating him.

I'd settled into dating Charlie by then out of convenience. He was a natural choice for me since he was hardly a threat to my safe little world. Charlie was an easy man to control—so long you didn't mind having to be the one in control, all you had to do was lead him around. There was no thought, no desire and no spirit behind him. Just habit and consistency. The same thing everyday. The same lack of emotions every minute. And in high school that had worked for me. I was the ambitious girl who wanted to follow in her father's footsteps. I knew where my future was and Charlie was pretty willing to just follow along. Safe and secure. Nothing too dangerous or too stupid.

Mary was the stupid one. She was the one willing to get drunk and go smoking down by the cliff at the Res on Friday nights. And she would often bring along the drop dead gorgeous Carlisle Cullen to do these stupid things with.

Don't get me wrong, the man he was today with his morals and sensibility was a wonderful thing to behold. But the rebel that he was back then was enough to make a girl weak in the knees.

He was that _Mr. Darcy_ meets _Crybaby_ kind of juvenile delinquent. It was completely understandable behavior. Carlisle was the guy who had to grow up way too fast and had a lot of angst over it. He raised his baby sister and fought off an abusive father.

And he did it all with a cigarette in his lips and a leather jacket on his shoulders.

I sighed, my fanning growing faster in tempo.

_What I wouldn't give to go back in time and make different choices. _

It was a silly little girl notion to say the very least—wanting to change our past. I knew better than to dream about trading places with my old friend. Carlisle and Mary's marriage had been volatile and doomed from the start.

They were too much alike in so many ways. Both filled with intense hatred and rage from their screwed up pasts. Both lashing out by doing reckless things. Underneath all of that though, you could tell that he loved her—he would have done anything for her. Mary always took his devotion for granted. She had a temper. A fierce stubbornness that I'm kind of reminded of her whenever Bella throws attitude in my direction. I always thought Carlisle could handle it.

Carlisle was a man of honor when it came to my childhood friend…and that's why she used him the way that she did…

"Esme?"

I shook my head. I had been so lost in thought that I'd forgotten the blond God on the phone with me. I looked up to see Gail's glare over the front desk.

I opened my mouth to fabricate a defense just as the phones suddenly started blaring off the hook.

"You got a problem with rules, Chief Swan?" Gail probed. I wondered idly if she had ever been a librarian. She would have made a wonderful librarian.

The red phone in the corner rang.

Emergency.

_Shit. There goes my nice, quiet night._

I could hear mass chaos on Carlisle's end of the phone too.

"Carlisle, hold on. 9-1-1 call coming through," I warned him as Gail picked up the emergency line.

"Go!" screamed Gail. "I've got Edward on the phone. He's down at the Black place in Push—Bella…"

I didn't hear anything else. I dropped the phone and forgot all about Carlisle. I was in the cruiser speeding down the dark road with my lights flashing.

The ambulance tore on to the highway behind me when we hit the city limits. Somehow I was sure Carlisle was in it. He would have heard that Edward was there too.

My mind was desperately wanting to shift into Chief Swan mode but momma mode was too dominant. What the hell was going on down there?

Gail was relaying info over the CB. She had to dispatch him directly to the ER.

_SHIT! What the hell are the kids up to?_

All I could see in my mind was an image Edward and Bella hurt and bleeding on the side of the road. Had she talked him into riding that pathetic excuse of a motorcycle again? The child had some sick love for that miserable contraption. I had only kept it because Carlisle had built it for me when were just out of high school.

Would she have been stupid enough to talk him into riding it on these back roads in the middle of the night? If she had he would have done it. There wasn't anything Edward wouldn't do for Bella.

I tore through the drive at Billy's place. He was on the porch in his wheelchair. He had his phone to his ear—he must have been one of the other calls that came into the station right before Edward's.

There were lots of fresh tracks in the mud but only one car parked there when I hit the field—a silver Volvo.

_SHIT!_

I slammed on the brakes when I was neck and neck with the car. I made a quick scan—no kids. I could see the fire behind the trees.

_SHIT!_

My heart was racing but then so were my legs. I was glad I had kept up the old Jane Fonda routine the last ten years—I was finally putting my legs to use.

I could hear her crying. My baby was crying…

I rounded the raging bonfire.

_Where was the damn party that was obviously supposed to be going on?_

Kids had snuck off to the Reservation for years to hold bonfires and get-togethers. I never much cared what they did down here. Unless they broke the law. It had to be pretty bad if Billy was willing to call Forks P.D. down here in the middle of the night…

I froze when I found them.

Bella was shaking and huddled against Edward. She was completely naked and her body was covered in bruises and mud. Gut wrenching sobs were tearing from her throat… but that's not what made me freeze.

It was Edward.

I had thought he was a good influence on her—she was such a more happy and focused person when he was around. She seemed to feel a purpose in life when she had Edward to look after. I thought I knew the boy pretty well.

I'd believed I could trust him around my child.

I was wrong.

I might have known Edward, but I didn't have a clue who this boy holding my daughter's broken form was.

His eyes were black in the darkness. His skin was paler than ice. And the intensity of the look on his face made me what to jump back for a moment. He was monster. He was vicious. There was no doubt in my mind that this boy had done this to my child.

"Edward!" Carlisle screamed as he stopped right behind me. Bella jumped at the sound.

_Had she not heard me come up?_

Edward's eyes narrowed in to slits of even greater rage. Like a caged dog that was waiting for the moment he could be released to fight his owner.

"Edward," Carlisle whispered.

"LET HER GO!" I yelled.

Edward dropped Bella like she was hotter than the flames of the almost out of control fire behind us. She hit the ground with a sudden thud. And the look on her face told me she didn't expect him to treat her like that.

She gasped. And he stood and backed away. He never took his eyes off of me.

Bella was laying there still shaking and naked. I threw my jacket around her shoulders while Carlisle examined her.

Nothing broken.

I glared up at the boy shrouded in darkness. His fists were balled and his eyes were just as vicious.

She was responsive but it was obvious that she had been under the influence of something. She moved her eyes around like she was nervous something or someone—I looked at the boy once more—would hurt her. The planes of his face were hard as flints with the full moon shining down on him.

"Are you okay?" I whispered to my daughter. She was terrified and there was very little I could do to help her. I knew the only person she would trust to help her was the only person I was going to endeavor to never allow around her ever again.

"Yeah… yeah…" She murmured in a choppy voice. She nodded weakly with each word.

Carlisle and the EMTs were strapping her to the gurney and preparing her for the trip back to the med center in Forks. It took all my energy not to insist I take her in the cruiser and just have them meet me there.

She looked so scared. I doubted she had a firm grasp on where she was and what was happening. She pulled slightly at the straps and my heart clenched.

_What the hell happened to you, baby?_

I shot my eyes, full of questions, to the boy.

Carlisle caught my attention and gave me a stern look—_innocent until proven guilty Chief Swan_. He said with his eyes. I nodded. He threw a gut wrenchingly terrified glance to the creature in the shadow. He believed the boy to be innocent, and he was afraid to leave him alone with me. I could sympathize with what it must have felt like for him to leave his almost son behind to face the judgment. Carlisle was taking my precious child away without her mother beside her.

But Bella was the victim here.

Once I heard the ambulance pull out of the yard, Chief Swan moved back in to my mind. I glared at the boy in the darkness.

Hank, my deputy, had followed the ambulance down and he went about surveying the scene. Edward and I just sat and stared at each other.

"What happened here tonight, Edward?" I tried to be nice. I tried to be objective—but this was not just some random boy and that was my baby girl.

"It was my fault," he announced as if he was just waiting for the right time to tell us. He didn't relax any part of his body. He stood there ready to fight—some distant part of my motherly mind tried to remember that the boy had survived many, many fights in his life. He was only on edge because of his past. There could be a reasonable explanation. I just needed to find out more.

_Keep the emotion out of it, Esme. You need facts for conviction. _

"What do you mean?" I prompted.

_Help me out here kid—if you want to look innocent you have to tell me more_.

"It was all me. My fault. No one else."

_Well that was hardly a defense for him_. Some part of my mind was satisfied to take him down and process him—make him pay for the hellish state that my daughter was in right now.

But there had to be more to it.

"You wanna tell me about the fire…and the other cars?"

He shook his head.

"My fault," he repeated.

"Chief?" I turned to see Hank handing me an evidence bag. There was a little blue bottle in it.

_Shit. The missing DMT from the drug bust last month. How the hell did this kid get this?_

It wasn't too common that hardcore drugs found their way to Forks. We were a tiny little town of logging families and restaurant owners. The occasional pot bust was inevitable around here, but this shit was being brought in from across the border. Some pharmaceutical robbery that ended when the idiots got pulled over for out of date tags on their car.

Out of all the scenarios that I had been churning in my brain since I found them tonight, this drug being here was the last thing I expected.

And then it made perfect sense. Bella had taken this. She was tripped out on it.

_So much for no emotion—time to rip this boy a new one for putting my baby in danger like this. _

I looked up at Edward with my own lethal glare.

"Did you give Bella any of this?"

_Don't screw around with me junior—I can bury you so hard and so fast that Tanya and Edward Masen will look like kittens_.

"Yes."

"Hank?" My fury was reined in only by the badge on my chest. The mother in me wanted to tear Edward's head off. "Take him in. He's going to be tried as an adult. And he's going to rot in prison for the rest of his life."

I turned on my heel as Hank started reading Edward his Mirandas.

My heart and my stomach were clenching by the time I got to my squad car. I threw up next to the hood. I wiped the sick from my lips and called in a tow service for the Volvo. It would be impounded until we could search it. I also called in a second unit—technically I should be finishing the crime scene investigation but I needed to be at the hospital right now.

Momma Swan was back in full swing. I turned toward the shed when Hank brought Edward out to the other cruiser. The boy was just as intensely dark as he had been in the shadows of the woods.

Something caught my eye—a small motorcycle. It looked very familiar.

It turned my stomach again as I heard the police car pull away. I had let my daughter spend all of her time with that boy. I had let my baby lose her innocence with that boy. I had trusted that he would never hurt her.

I threw up again once the car was gone.

What had I done?

Failed my child in every since of the word parent.

-**-Bookends-**-

**BPOV (hospital, 11 am the next day)**

There was a god awful beeping noise to my right.

_Was it an alarm? Since when did Edward have an alarm in the tree house?_

I wanted to roll over and tell him to shut it off but when I moved pain shot through me with so much intensity that I screamed.

"It's okay sweetie." My mom's voice was soothing—but not the voice I wanted to hear.

"Edward," I croaked. God my voice sounded like I had been screaming all night in my sleep.

Someone growled when I said his name. Where was he? I felt finger tips against my forehead. My eyelids were too heavy for me to lift.

It wasn't Edward touching me. Why not?

"Edward?" I tried again. He had to be here somewhere.

"Give it up Bells," Em? "Dude's going to fucking prison."

"Emmett!" my mother chided.

Prison? Edward? What the fuck?

My eyes shot open as the questions ran through my head. I could feel some heaviness in my mind that was keeping me from really understanding what was going on. I couldn't remember much of anything as I looked around the room.

I could tell that I was in the hospital. Mom was sitting next to me and Em was at the foot of my bed. I was having one of those Wizard of Oz moments… about to tell them that they had all been there in my dream.

But I realized who was missing—my scarecrow. Where was Edward?

"Where is he?" I really should have been concerned with why the fuck I was in here. What the fuck was wrong with me. But that didn't really fucking matter to me. Edward was more important.

"He's at Carlisle's house." Mom explained. "He's awaiting his hearing."

At that it all came flooding back. The fight. The bike. The dark winding road. The fucking idiot teenage boys. The bonfire. The pill… fuck the pill. And then the fear. The panic. The fucking terror.

Edward screaming. Edward crying. Edward holding me and keeping me safe.

FUCK!

Edward. He had nothing to do with this. But they would think he did. Fuck. Edward's probation would be up. A hearing… what the fuck was he on trial for? I took the fucking pill. He wasn't even there!

"NO!" I bellowed. It was no use to try to explain it right now.

I struggled against the numerous tubes that were embedded in my flesh and my mom and my brother exchanged weary glances that told me that my sanity was being questioned.

It would do no one any good for me to defend it right now—I was hopped up on some sort of medication, I could tell. But soon I would defend him until my voice ran out and my throat was so raw that it bled when I spoke.

He was fucking innocent!

-**-Bookends-**-

Mom was weary about letting me come home. Carlisle assured her that I was fine. Some bruising but nothing internal. They had pumped my stomach for good measure—luckily I was not coherent during that. I was sore and I was in pain with every breath that I took but I wanted to go home.

Home was that much closer to Edward.

I sat in the hospital gown on my bed in my bedroom. Mom had insisted that she could bring me clothes to change into before I left the hospital but I wanted to wear this.

I wanted to get used to what being a fucking mental patient would be like. Because I was going to fucking lose it when they made him leave town.

Dr. Cullen was working on mom even in the hospital. He hadn't been able to go home and talk to Edward—he had been too busy making sure I was alright. But he was sure that whatever happened didn't require such capital punishment as my mother was willing to unleash on my boyfriend.

I hadn't found the right time to discuss his innocence quite yet. I had pulled Dr. Cullen aside when he came in to check me out. I warned him that I was the guilty one in all of this. Edward would tell him—it was all me.

His face had been pretty sad when I told him—maybe he had talked to Edward. What had Edward said?

I watched the silent Cullen house like a widow watching a gravestone.

Edward.

Em was watching tv downstairs and mom had to go in to the station to take care of paper work over the whole fucking mess. Ironically, Em said Jazz and Alice were put on Edward guard duty. Fuck they were the ones at the party last night… they were the ones who let him go along and push me over the edge into fucking stupidity.

I saw something move in the tree house. Edward's sneaker was hanging out of the Swan opening for a second and then it was gone. Then his foot popped out of the Cullen side for a second and was gone. A bag dropped from the tree a minute later.

Fuck.

He was getting ready to leave.

I bit my lip. I was going to fucking die if I didn't go see him. But then my brother would fucking kill me before I got out of the house. Juvenile delinquent that I was—I opted for climbing out of my window.

It was more fucking stupid than taking that pill. I missed judged the bushes—of fucking course and I landed on the grass with an inglorious thud. Such a fucking klutz.

I jumped to my feet and made sure Em was none the wiser. I had locked my door, so he probably wouldn't be checking on me anyway.

I must have looked like a fucking lunatic as I made my way to the tree house. I was wearing nothing but my panties and a hospital gown. And I had a big fucking goofy grin on my face.

Edward.

I climbed the tree two steps at a time—Jacob's ladder. Heaven was waiting for me at the top.

"Edward?" I was breathless and giddy as I reached the entrance.

He was just heading down the Cullen side—his face was frozen and his eyes were confused when he saw me.

It was comical in some other time and space to think about. Edward and I perched on opposing ladders—just our heads watching each other with the space of the tree house—our sanctuary—between us.

"Bella…" He breathed.

His face melted into six shades of relief and shame… worry and excitement.

He scrambled back in to the tree house—rushing over to help me in. I didn't know how much time we had. I knew he wouldn't be here after today. But I had to see him. Smell him. Hold him. Love him. One last time.

"What are you fucking doing here?" He didn't seem at all confused by my outfit. He just stared deep into my eyes.

"I had to see you." I ran my hand along his cheek. He leaned into my touch—almost unthinkingly. His eyes were still intent on mine.

"You have to get back. I just came to get some things… before…" he looked down then. Sadness was not a deep enough word for the emotion in his eyes. "Before I fucking go."

The words were a knife in the air above our heads.

But I just kept running my hand along his cheek.

"You'll be back," I promised.

He laughed—hard and dark. "Someday." He whispered. He was thinking—not happy thoughts.

"What did you tell them happened? What did happen? Where were you guys when I was tripping?"

His eyes snapped back to mine. He was suddenly very angry. With me.

"I," he stressed the word for my benefit. "Was in my fucking room like I fucking promised you I would be."

_HOLY FUCKING HELL!_

My eyes were wide with terror. My breath was growing deep. What the fuck had I done! "I only was there because I heard the bike when you followed Jazz and Alice and Newton down to Push."

_FUCKING CHRIST ABOVE!_

No words—just fear.

"I never would have fucking let you do that shit!" He was scolding me now. I deserved so much worse. I deserved to really be put in a mental institution. I was so fucking crazy for doing this to him.

"I'm sorry," I breathed. The tears were flowing down my cheeks and everything in me was used up. He was being sent away. Everything he ever wanted in life was being taken away. And it was all my fucking fault.

"Don't be fucking ridiculous." He whispered. I met his eyes and they were angry but soft.

His hands cupped my face. "It was all my fucking fault. I pushed you. I should have fucking been up here with you so you knew where you stood."

My head twitched at his words. Some switch went off in the back of my mind. Where I fucking stood. What I really fucking meant to him.

I was more than just a possession of his. I was more. I don't know why it made a difference—why those words were more important than every goddamn time he told me he loved me. But they did.

I knew there was nothing I could do to save him from his dark fate now. But there was certainly something I could fucking do for him before he left.

I leaned up and kissed him. Long and wet and fucking passionately.

His response was immediate. He groaned. My heart was jumping and I was instantly fucking wet for him.

"Bella," he breathed against my lips.

I looked deep into his chocolate eyes—I was fucking his. Body. Soul. Heart. Mind. Man. Woman.

I fucking loved him.

I could feel it pulsing in the air—that drive that was leading me. I would fucking show him. I fucking loved him. I would fucking be here for him. Because I was his. Fucking his. All of me.

I trapped him with my eyes.

I reached up and brushed his hair back from his face. Tender. Love. Sex. You. Me. Now. Forever.

"I love you."

He froze. That's fucking right mister. I fucking mean it.

The emotion in his eyes just made everything fall into place. This was right. This was now. My body was opening up—it was all for him. Let all of those motherfuckers challenge us when we came out of this place. They would never be able to take away the fact that Edward would enter me and I would hold him safe.

He leaned in and touched my lips with his in fucking sweet tenderness. I whimpered—he fucking loved me too.

I ran my hand—not shaking in innocence but sure in determination—to the zipper of his fly. He would think I was only returning the favor. I wasn't. I was going to fucking love him in every way that I could.

He would leave this place with me wrapped around him like a fucking shield against all the hell in our worlds. I could do that for him.

Because I would be taking him into me in return.

-**-Bookends-**-

**EPOV**

She touched me innocently at first. It felt so fucking good. Better than every fucking time I touched her. Bella fucking loved me, and she was fucking willing to touch me. And I fucking wanted her to. Some part of my mind was screaming this was wrong—I didn't fucking deserve this. I had fucked everything up so much.

I kissed her as she ran her fingertips shyly down my shaft. It was one of those slow and deep kisses. _Fuck she tasted so good_.

I kind of let out a fucking not so manly breathless whimper- She smiled against my lips. She was going to be agonizingly fucking slow about this shit. _Fuck_. As much as my fucking hormones screamed for her to just fucking grip me and do it already, my soul wanted her to torture me as long as she fucking wanted to. I was fucking hers- Fucking all of me.

Bella put her other hand on my shoulder and forced me on to my back. I was past the point of fucking understanding or fucking questioning anything. Her tongue was hot and wet in my mouth and her hand was innocent and warm around my erection. I was in my fucking happy place.

I didn't have the strength to move my arms. My hands wanted real fucking badly to touch her—grab her tits, fucking plow my fingers in her hair and hold on tight. My flesh was fucking begging me to touch her. But I was kind of fucking at her mercy. It only seemed fucking fair—I never let her join in when I did this to her. I'd let her dominate me all she fucking wanted—at least that was what I was telling my throbbing body we should do.

I was so fucking focused on our lips that I didn't even register what her other hand was doing until I felt her pressing against me.

FUCK!

My eyes shot open. I fucking found the strength to lift my arms as my entire being tensed. I seized her hips in my fucking desperate hands. Bella had lifted her gown and removed her panties. _Fuck_! She was sitting above my raging hard on with nothing on but a fucking smile. And I really fucking wanted to push her off. I wasn't fucking ready for this. I was barely fucking okay with letting Bella touch me. And for a heartbeat I was really fucking convicted to the fact that she would have to back off and I could fucking leave this place without taking this shit too far.

But I fucking looked.

I was a fucking seventeen year old hormonal psychopath—of course I fucking looked. And naked fucking Bella made me go motherfucking insane. I collapsed back and fucking groaned—like a fucking prisoner being whipped in torture. I was so much more than totally fucked right now. I was staring down time in juvenile hall. I was fucking almost looking at doing real jail time if Esme's promise was true. And FUCK, if anyone found out I was about to fucking fuck the underage girl that I told them I nearly fucking killed I would be sent to fucking PRISON. The rape my pretty ass until I break fucking prison.

But goddamn it… she looked fucking sweet above me. And my fucking mind was swimming in heather and rain and fucking Bella. Bella fucking loved me. I fucking loved her. I was going to fucking die if she didn't take me inside of her right now- Let me fucking drown in her completely. This was more than fucking need… this was fucking life and fucking truth. I belonged with Bella fucking Swan and she belonged with me. No one else was fucking meant to touch either of us this way. No one else ever fucking would.

My hands stayed grip on her fucking hips. The connection of our flesh was like a fucking electric shock—like I was being brought back to life after fucking heart failure. She put her tiny hands over mine and braced herself on her knees.

This was really fucking stupid. This was really fucking stupid. This was REALLY FUCKING STUPID!

We didn't have any condoms. This was not what I fucking wanted Bella's first time to be. What if I fucking got her pregnant? What if I fucking hurt her in some other fucking way? We were both fucking virgins and it didn't take a fucking rocket scientist to figure out that I was fucking clueless in how to do this—how to make it something for her. I was pretty fucking positive that it was going to be fucking awesome for me no matter what. But there was going to be fucking pain for her—that much I fucking knew.

My eyes had to be fucking frantic in their plea as I shot them up to her. _Bella please fucking help me through this!_ What the fuck could she do? She was just as fucking clueless as I was. But of FUCKING course when my eyes met hers all those rational fucking thoughts left my head.

Bella was smiling down at me—all fucking knowing and shit. And her eyes were dancing between fucking tender and loving to fucking nymphomaniac on fucking steroids. She fucking wanted this just as fucking much as I did. We fucking belonged together. This was fucking stupid, but it was also fucking perfect.

She braced her hands to my shoulders—bringing her fucking face inches from mine. Her breath was fucking hot on my face. Our eyes met again- that little moment of shared fucking panic. What the fuck were we about to do?

Then I released my fucking crooked smile on her and moved my hands on her hips. Some fucking autopilot took over and I held her gaze with my own fucking all knowing look.

My hands spread her, guided her and pressed her down slowly on top of me. _Fuck_! I really wanted to do it faster. My heart was banging on my ribcage like a mountain lion was fucking chasing me. I was covered in sweat and my eyes kept kind of rolling back in my head.

I don't know how I fucking found the strength—maybe it was summoned up from that prick that had forced me to sit on the sidelines while I stroked her between her legs every fucking day for the last two months. But I knew I had to fucking restrain myself right now. I had to fucking make this something for her too.

I hissed and closed my eyes against the fucking intense sensation that shot through me when I lowered her down on to me. _Fuck_. Was there anything as fucking perfect as Bella? Wet, and hot and fucking all for me. I groaned deep at that fucking thought—no there fucking was not.

I could hear Bella half whimper, half moan and then kind of gasp as I shoved in all the way. _Fuck_.

I snapped my eyes open to see her face- tight and strained. Her little eyes were closed and I could tell she was trying to convince herself that the pain would go away. I really fucking wanted to pull out at that moment. I had to take that fucking pain away. I might fucking lose my mind if I left the fucking perfection of my self embraced completely by her center- but I could fucking do that for her.

I sat fucking still. I was fucking tensed against hurting her more and reining the hormonal psychopath in. I waited for her to lead me through this. She had to fucking lead me through this. I watched in fucking awe, as I was always in Bella's presence, as the transformation moved across her face. Extreme pain. Wonder. Being unsure. And then she melted in to fucking languid anticipation. _Fuck_.

She opened her emerald eyes slowly—all fucking lusty and shit. She licked her fucking swollen lips. And she fucking moaned deep and fucking needy in her throat. _Fuck_.

I wasn't going to fucking make it that long. I could fucking feel that. I would fucking try as hard as I could for her but I wasn't a fucking saint. She was driving me fucking insane. Fuck that! I was fucking insane—psychotic with my lust for her.

She started to rock above me. _Fuck_! I groaned. I was still fucking fully clothed. We had maybe twenty more fucking minutes to just be with each other before I was removed from her life all together. But it didn't fucking matter. I cupped her face in my hands while she thrust down on me.

Friction. Sweat. Hot breath. Need. Breast. Tongue.

FUCK!

My hips were not willing to sit idly by and let her have all the fucking fun. My ass slammed back on the wood of the tree house that we had played in since we were kids. Our breaths became pants and high pitched pleas. My skin was on fire and where ever she touched me I felt like I was being shocked with pure fucking electricity.

I was fucking sensitive all over—and by the way she nearly screamed when I sucked her nipple in my mouth, I'd say she was fucking feeling the same way.

Soon I couldn't remember what was up and what was fucking down. I think we both were for a couple of seconds each. We were tossing and rocking and thrusting and grunting. It was fucking frantic and it was fucking surreal. And it was a fucking feeling beyond comparison. It didn't last long—not a fucking expert but I was pretty damn sure it was over pretty fucking fast.

Our bodies and our breaths pushed fucking faster—mine building to some all fucking consuming pressure that was going to tear my fucking skin from my body. I had masturbated almost every fucking day since I came back in to Bella's life—but I found out that day, as I did with everything I thought I knew before Bella, that I had never really felt a true fucking orgasm.

Bella was fucking wonderful to fuck. I felt her tighten around me and I heard her kind of squeak then moan all deep again, and that was my motherfucking cue. I lost all fucking control. I slammed my head back against the wood floor as my body released. I came into her with no breath in my body and no fucking thought in my mind.

It was fucking fantastic. It was fucking perfect. And it was really fucking stupid.

We collapsed on our sides on to our mattress. I was still kind of fucking twitchy and super sensitive all over. We weren't joined anymore down there but some part of me knew that I would always be fucking inside of her now. I had left a very fucking important piece of me there—given it all to her. Because it belonged only to her.

"Goodbye Bella."

"I love you Edward."

I closed my eyes and thought about Bella. The way she fucking tasted. The way it felt to be inside her… I left fucking all of me back there inside her. What sat here in Carlisle's living room was not fucking Edward Masen, or Edward almost fucking Cullen. It was just some shell that would be relocated for four fucking months.

When I turned eighteen this fucking thing could come back. He could come back to that tree house and reclaim his fucking identity. He could pull himself back out of that precious creature that he was poisoning with his fucking possession and Edward could start fucking living again.

But right now, this body was fucking empty.

He cleared his throat when he came into the room. I rolled my fucking eyes. I was going to fucking miss Carlisle. I really fucking wanted to be a Cullen—but there was one thing I wanted more than that. And she was finally mine. I could survive anything.

"Edward," _Fuck_. He was disappointed. My insides turned. I didn't fucking want to do this to him. But I had no fucking choice. If I gave one person up—even motherfucking Paul for scoring that shit that she took—then Jazz and Alice would be sent away.

I couldn't fucking do that to them. I was a fucking monster. That was hardly a lie.

"What happened?" He sat down across from me—in his chair. His face was nothing but fucking concerned. Fucking supportive.

_Fuck_.

"I took Bella out there tonight and gave her the DMT. I found the bottle a week ago and thought it would be a good idea. We were having a private celebration for the adop…" the word fucking stuck in my throat. "For the announcement and things got out of hand."

Carlisle narrowed his eyes. _Fuck_. "Why don't we try the truth now?" _Fuck_. Was I really that fucking transparent? Maybe sex with Bella robbed me of the lying motherfucker.

"Edward… you are obviously lying." Fucking prove it doc. "That fire was not possibly started just for the two of you. There were at least five sets of tire tracks… and" he glared at me to make his point. "You didn't cuss once."

I drew in a deep breath. Good thing I had spent years perfecting my ability to fucking lie to Carlisle.

"Billy had a cook out last weekend—fucking people drive to those things Carlisle. The fire got out of hand when I had to focus on Bella and not the fire. And if you fucking want me to fucking cuss I can fucking do it all you fucking want—I was just trying to be fucking civil for once!"

There. That should fucking do it.

Carlisle sat back and sighed. His eyes and face were a thousand years old. _Fuck_.

Bella. Think of fucking Bella.

_I love you Edward_. Yes, that would get me through.

"Edward… do you realize what you have done?" I nodded. I fucking knew. I was keeping the people who depended on me safe. I was fucking taking the fall. I fucking deserved it.

"Your audition…" _Fuck_. I was at a fucking loss. On one side of my fucking brain I was okay with fucking missing out on the pops. Something else would fucking come along. I had fucking Bella now. _Fuck_. Bella. She wanted me to fucking get in to that school. She fucking bent over fucking backwards to score that audition.

_Fuck_.

"What can I do?" I was at a fucking loss.

Carlisle's eyes got some weird fucking glean in them. It kind of fucking scared me. "Bella says it was all her fault. That she took the drug and you were no where around…" _Fuck_. He wanted me to fucking blame Bella. NO FUCKING WAY!

"NO FUCKING WAY!" My fists were balled and my eyes were slits. Shit. I would never fucking do that to her.

Carlisle's hands went up in defense. "I'm not suggesting what you think. Please just hear me," I tried to calm my fucking breaths. Fine. _Fuck_. Talk.

"Esme is willing to not push charges. She just wants you out of town. If you go back to Tanya… quietly—then maybe it will just go unnoticed." _Fuck_. That was that then. No wish I could keep you here son. Just fucking leave quietly.

"Sure." My response was fucking clipped and angry.

"I can't Edward. I can't." The sadness in his eyes was no fucking comforting. He fucking could. He was fucking Carlisle Cullen. He could fucking fly planes and fix damaged brains. If he fucking wanted to he fucking could.

"Right." Shut down the fucking emotion. This shell didn't fucking need it anyway. Bella was fucking holding on to it. She was all that fucking mattered. Four fucking months.

"Edward…"

"Sure." Good fucking bye.

"I'm sorry." He whispered and he left the room to make the arrangements. No one, including fucking Tanya, would fucking know why I was leaving. The only fucking people who knew what happened to Bella last night would never speak about it. They didn't fucking want to get caught. I would not get to be adopted. I would not get to stay here in Forks. I would not get to be around Bella.

But I could fucking keep my fucking audition.

Big fucking deal.

I couldn't even begin to fucking want to hear music anymore. All my fucking music was back in that tree house. Inside Bella's fucking body.

I hung my head and waited. No fear. No pain. Just fucking empty.

I could feel Jazz standing behind me. Fucker.

"Is she okay?" He whispered. I nodded. She was fucking okay. She was already fucking dressing the part of the insane fucking girl that she would become once I was gone. But she was fucking okay.

"Jazz…" I wanted to say a lot of fucking things. Not least of all was the fact that I didn't fucking want him to feel guilty over this. I had protected Jazz from the moment he was conceived. I would never fucking stop doing that. But most importantly I wanted to make it fucking clear that it was his responsibility to keep Bella safe while I was gone.

That every fucker who got to keep the name Cullen instead of going back to the fucking shithole of their past was responsible for keep her fucking going. She had to keep fucking going.

"I promise."

Good. I could fucking survive with that. Somehow. Bella would be safe. Bella fucking loved me. I could fucking survive whatever was coming.


	14. Dangling Conversation

**Bookends By: Bella's Executioner.**

**Rating: M- this means if you're under 16 you are agreeing to break your own ToS by reading this and I'm not your mother so be responsible for yourself.**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is the sole owner of the world of Twilight. She is Bella's creator. I am Bella's Executioner.**

**A/N: Bookends is the very first fanfiction I started writing. It's been on this site, moved and come back. It has errors, fuck ups and lots of proofs that I'm human but it also has all of my heart and soul in it. I welcome you into this world of pain and love and hope that you enjoy. I also welcome your thoughts as you read—pm me or review and I'll be happy to discuss the story with you.**

**Chapter 14: Dangling Conversation**

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**BPOV (April 10th- the morning of Edward's audition.)**

I straightened up from the toilet.

_Fuck_.

I hated throwing up. Vomit burned in my nostrils so much that my eyes were watering. _Fuck_. I leaned back against the cool porcelain of the tub.

Momentary relief. The cold was so nice against my internally heated skin.

Breathe in and out. Swallow. Breathe. In. And. Out.

My breath stank and I really wanted to rinse my mouth out but I was too fucking weak to stand up. I was going to do it again. It wasn't a maybe. It was a soon.

My nerves had been on edge all week- the last three days were just the grand fucking finale.

He was going to be all alone today- no not alone, Carlisle was with him. Carlisle and Jazz had flown out last week with him to Boston to prepare for the audition. Carlisle was making a big fucking show out of supporting Edward right now.

He was kind of my temporary fucking hero.

I wanted to compose my ode to Carlisle's greatness but my toes were coming out of my nose again.

_Fuck_.

I seized every inch of my body as the bile, which I didn't even know my body could produce in such abundance, purged from my guts.

Good god!

I groaned as I put my head between my knees. It was going to keep on fucking coming... It'd been like this for the past three mornings. I would wake up to the gripping in my guts and make it to the bathroom just fast enough to spew in to the toilet.

It was the most fucking disgusting activity in the world. _Puking_. Not only were you unable to fight the pain and the clenching and the flow of acidy liquid that could make grown men pass out from the stench- you had to do it on all fours with your face in a place where you usually put your ass... _who the fuck thought of that!_

The guy who had to rinse out the bowls back in the old days, idiot.

Oh, yah... _FUCK_!

The sounds that my body made were not just for dramatic effect. I felt like someone was yanking my intestines out with a cord attached to my throat.

I breathed deep when I was finally released. Only two more times... at least that had been the pattern before. Three days of get up... vomit six times... then feel almost human.

It was really fucking weird. Like it was something more than just nerves over Edward. Like it was something that I just couldn't begin to deal with right now. I unconsciously ran my hand over my stomach.

My muscles were so sore from the clenching. But then, everything had hurt down there for a while. I tried not to think of making love with Edward as painful. It was beautiful. But it _had_ hurt.

This time the spasm was so fucking sudden that I threw up all over myself.

_Fuck_.

I was a pitiful fucking mess without him.

I half hiccupped and burped. _Fucking disgusting_. Then my stomach unclenched and I felt it- that moment of release. I felt like I could stand up without the fear of being completely fucking obliterated from the spasms.

I stood up and went to work cleaning the room and myself. Luckily it was spring break so I wasn't doing this at school. _Fuck_. _School_. More tedious days without him.

And luckily Em was at spring training for baseball while mom was burying herself at work. So, I was alone to deal with this. Unlike every other catastrophe in my life, I was okay with having no one right now. Something told me I didn't want to see the pity in their eyes when they saw me like this. Hunched on the bathroom floor with putrid vomit all over my clothes- such a fucking mess without him.

I leaned back in the shower and let the warm water relax my back. My lower back had ached every damn day since that night. The bruises had cleared up fast- which was good because mom would have held them over me like a lash that threatened to add more marks to my skin. She wanted to blame them on Edward.

I sighed.

I gave up talking to her at all these days. I had told her word for word what happened. About our fight. About the bike. About my own stupidity and the fact that Edward saved my life. But she gave me the silent treatment right back.

_Bitch_.

It had been four weeks. Jazz was now officially a Cullen. And Edward should be one too goddamn it! He promised that it wasn't my fault. Actually threw me a giant warm smile as he got in the Mercedes to catch his flight. But how could not be my fucking fault.

And how could I not feel guilty whenever I looked up at that tree house from my bedroom. I hadn't been able to go up there. Not since…

I sighed as I turned and started spreading the soap over my body. I tried not to look down at my breasts. I hated looking at myself naked. The human body had never really seemed all that beautiful to me. In fact some parts were down right freaky to see.

Toes. Toes always freaked me out- they still kind of did. But the one thing I had always thought I would find totally disgusting when I saw... I actually liked. And I couldn't stop picturing it in my head.

I rolled my eyes. I was practically sixteen years old. In some cultures that was considered an adult. But in my freaking sheltered little world I was handicapped with a mind of a two year old sometimes.

I had been terrified that I would giggle. It was the first one I had seen in person. The first… fuck I could say any word in the book thanks to Edward but my cheeks were blazing with even trying to think the word of that… _his_…

_Big toe_. I'll just call it his _big toe_- cause it kind of freaked me out too. I hadn't giggled. But I hadn't been able to really look at it for long either. It, the _big toe_, was kind of threatening to me... even though it was mesmerizing at the same time.

I wanted Edward so much in that moment. I had been terrified that he wouldn't feel the same- that like so many other times, he would push me away. I knew he loved me… but could I trust that I was sexy or pretty or someone he wanted to do all of that with. It was the most vulnerable moment of my life. And I could see all the shit playing across his face. He really fucking wanted to say no… I could tell.

But then he looked up at me.

And the look in his eyes when they skimmed the entire surface of my waiting naked body made me instantly wet and ready for him.

It all happened really fast. Meeting him up there. Finding out the truth. Declaring our love. And then my determination. My decision. I was going to give him everything. But I still wasn't completely ready.

The moment I released... the big toe... I was kind of in awe. I didn't have any basis for comparison but I was certain that Edward made other guys jealous. And it was kind of really scary shit to see it. Like kissing my innocence goodbye with the knowledge that I was going to let it claim my virginity. It stood there pointing at me and telling me that was it was exactly going to do.

It was just another fucked up Bella moment. I couldn't just relax and enjoy I had to analyze and think. So I figured being naked would keep me from talking myself out of it. I was also kind of hoping that my naked breasts would drop Edward's defenses. He had never really seen them naked before. He had seen them pretty damn close and he had drawn his own interpretations of what he believed they looked like. I was banking on how much he kind of went all fucking blank and goofy when I let him touch them. I was really hoping for that reaction over him screaming and running away.

But then I was naked and wet and his big toe was just sitting there waiting for me.

Is it possible to grow up all in one second? I think for some parts of you it is. I was really ready then. Really fucking ready. I knew it was stupid—unprotected and done for seemingly all the wrong reasons but I could not not go through with it.

And then he fucking looked up at me.

And I knew he was really ready too.

I don't know what every girl thinks the first time will be like. I had had Edward teasing that most sensitive part of me for months before that day. I knew what could be waiting for me just past the pain. I knew that it had to be even better than it was with his fingers inside of me. And I was right.

It did hurt. I did bleed. Edward had had to rush home and change because there was blood on his jeans. But he got me through it. And together we worked through the pain and were stronger for it. Found pleasure on the other side of it. In the end… lying next to him, spent and tingly, I felt changed.

I might have reverted backwards to shy scared little teenage Bella when he left but at that moment I was mature convicted adult Bella—and I was making him a promise that we could make it through anything together.

I didn't want to look at them but I glanced down at my breasts as I lathered them. They had hurt worse than my back since that day. Edward had not been overly rough with them. He really didn't have to be. It was like my body was super sensitive when he touched me. But damn they hurt now. They felt swollen and achy almost all of the time these days.

I considered it my penance. My silent constant fucking reminder that I had done something that the people around me would consider improper. Stupid. _Wrong_.

It wasn't wrong. But it was maybe a little stupid. I scrubbed between my legs and averted my eyes. Okay… maybe a little really stupid. We didn't use a condom.

I got dressed and headed over to the Cullen house. Alice said that she was having Jazz call her at exactly eleven am. That gave us two hours before Edward's audition. And to ensure phone records could not be traced by the Forks' PD back to me, I would just happen to use Alice's phone at exactly the same time that Edward was standing with it against his ear.

I smiled.

Edward's voice. I hadn't heard it in over four weeks. We hadn't communicated at all really. I got a postcard every week that was sent to Jazz in the mail. But I didn't send anything back in reply.

What would I say? I miss you. I'm sorry. My ass still hurts from the fucking awesome first time sex.

I giggled at that last one. He'd actually love to hear that.

I rang the doorbell. Jake answered.

"Hey J." Jake was getting ready for the big change. She wanted to be referred to in a non gender affiliated way. She hadn't really settled on a name. Emmett kept offering feminized versions of his name… Emily. Emme. Emma. Emina was where I drew the fucking line. Let the poor girl get her own fucking identity for crying out loud!

"Hey Bells," it really should not have been cute that my brother's transgender girlfriend used the same nickname for me that he did. But it always made me smile. I really loved J.

"Al is up in Edward's old room," the hormones that she was on were helping to change her voice—it was almost breathless and airy now. "I promise Em won't know a thing about it!" She crossed her heart and winked.

I held out my hand with a smirk on my face. We giggled as we shared the uber super secret Emmett Swan swear shake. Three slaps alternating up. On punch in midair. Fingers locked pulled back into a snap and finger gun. I added a wink and a clicking sound and J roared with not quite ladylike laughter.

"I'll have to use that on him." J headed out the door while I ascended the fourteen million stairs to Edward's old room. Jeez, no wonder he was always out of breath when he ran up here.

Alice was waiting on her bed. I glanced at the clock ten fifty nine. I giggled and jumped on the bed beside her. Then I immediately regretted it because my back and breasts reminded me that I was in no shape for unnecessary roughness.

I groaned. "No rest for the wicked!" Alice chided. _Fuck_. I really wish that I had not confessed my sexual encounter with her. In some fucked up weird way it made her a little more open to me. Maybe it was just because Edward wasn't around to pull me away—but Alice had been more like her old self lately. But because she was around she had more time to make suggestive comments and crude jokes. They were funny but they got fucking old.

Her phone started buzzing as the clock turned to eleven.

"Do I even bother pretending that Jazz might be on it?" She asked glaring at me.

I shook my head and grabbed the device from her tiny grip. "Edward!" I screeched.

I could hear his chuckle… mixed with Alice hollering for me to tone it down two octaves.

"Hello my fucking love." Be still my fucking heart. My fucking love. _His_ fucking love… _fuck me_.

I shook my head when I realized I had fallen into a trance. "Hey…" _fucking moron_. "back." _Fuck_!

He chuckled again.

"I mean I love you too!" _God I was such a fucking idiot_.

"Bella… lay off the fucking crack!" We both laughed… then we both grimaced. Not quite the funny anymore. _Fuck_.

"So are you ready?" I was sitting up on my knees with the excitement of his big day. I used to get sad when I thought about Edward getting into his big music school on the East coast. But that was back when I was fucking selfish can't say I love you Bella. Now I was fucking insanely in love with you Bella.

I was giddy with knowing… just fucking knowing that he would be getting in to that school.

"Nah!" He laughed. "The music is the easy shit!" I laughed. I fucking missed him.

"How are you?" I kind of knew already. I got his pictures. They had gone back to being abstractions of his soul. I could tell that there was plenty of anger still in the background but the pictures we mainly soothing and happy.

It was fucked up… But Edward almost seemed happier now than he had been before he left.

"Okay." His response was strained.

I'd have to fucking track Tanya down one of these days and really do it—just fucking punch that bitch's lights out.

"Just okay?" I prompted. _Don't fucking lie to me Masen_.

"Her husband's not a bad guy. She's a fucking bitch but she's not out drinking and fucking falling in with clients all the time. I keep to my fucking self… besides…" He took a deep breath and his voice was all husky and serious as he continued. "That's not the shit that is fucking driving me crazy."

I kind of shivered at his words. I was instantly aware of my throbbing achy breast and my still kind of sore core. Yeah, that shit was driving me fucking crazy too.

We hadn't talked about it. He had sketched stuff I knew was related to it… but we hadn't talked about it. Now did not seem the appropriate time either.

"Yah." I breathed. He chuckled again but it was dark and full of the suggestions that I hated Alice giving me these days. I didn't mind them so much coming from Edward.

"It's tough…" he confessed. I got a little choked up at that. "I fucking miss you! But I fucking love you… so that makes it okay." I could hear the smile in his voice. There he goes giving me that fucking awesome responsibility again.

"I fucking love you too." I reminded him.

We laughed. We talked right up until the minute that Carlisle told him that he was being called. "Wish me fucking luck!"

"Break both your fucking legs!" I yelled. He laughed.

-**-Bookends-**-

**EPOV (stage Pops conservatory of music Boston)**

I sat at the piano. There was no sound in the room.

_Deep breath motherfucker_.

The lights were fucking bright. The ivory keys were fucking dazzling as I brought my fingers up to them. I fucking smirked when the guy with the clipboard asked if I had sheet music. It wasn't fucking required and no I never fucking needed sheet music for this one.

I closed my eyes. And I fucking pictured Bella.

My hands flew over the keys to describe her small frame first. It was quite and peaceful—like she was when she slept in my arms. Then the notes drifted up her body to her arms- so strong in their femininity. They were soft, still quiet but they could wrap around me and resonate across my shoulders in powerful support. The delicate skin of her alluring neck made the music drift higher… ethereal. Leading to the best fucking thing of all… her face.

My fingers pounded against the keys to convey the ferocity of her mouth when it was drawn in concern. The all consuming command of her fiery green eyes when she glared at me in passionate anger was a register of seemingly chaotic notes—the sounds crashed together and apart like our lips did when we kissed. And then the music drifted back down with the love in her eyes… the softest kiss on her lips and ended on the beat of her gentle heart pulsing in her chest with love just for me.

_Fuck_.

When I was done I opened my eyes and smiled. She was fucking everything to me now. My world. My happiness. My fucking music.

Carlisle and Jazz were hooting from the hall and I couldn't even fucking roll my eyes. It was a pretty fucking good song.

It was fucking in Bella in music… of course it was fucking perfect.

The recruiters smiled at me. They said I would receive word soon on how the audition went. But I fucking knew. It was Bella's fucking dream. It was Bella's fucking song. I was sure to fucking get in.

-**-Bookends-**-

**CPOV (Cullen house one week later)**

I paced in front of the fire. She was coming over for dinner—in another twenty minutes. I straightened my shirt again.

_This looks stupid. Maybe I should... what go dig up my old leather jacket and faded blue jeans? _

I rolled my eyes. I had only dressed like that back then because _she_ said she liked it... they both made me watch those damn movies a thousand times. Damn James Dean. Damn John Travolta. Damn Johnny Depp. Not every guy had to take on the rebel look so literally but I wanted to impress _her_.

_Her_. The face and name should have been Mary's. But it wasn't- it never had been. She wasn't the light. She wasn't the one and only thing I ever thought was beautiful in this world.

When Jack moved Tanya and me here as we were just starting school, I found something worth living my hellish life for. And it was never Mary.

_Esme_.

I sighed and shrugged out of my shirt. _Maybe a light beige sweater_. She liked the color beige. She decorated most of her house in light tones. _So we want to remind her of her sofa_?

_Stupid_.

I threw on a charcoal grey button down long sleeve shirt. This would have to do. She was due any moment.

I ran back down stairs and checked the chicken one last time. Perfect. Blackened chicken and wild rice… the only thing I knew how to cook. It wouldn't impress her- she had taught me how to make it back in high school. I told her it was to impress Mary… but it was really just and excuse to be alone with her.

I whistled absentmindedly as I stood by the front door. It was pathetic. But I was used to being pathetic over Esme.

Alice and J came down the stairs together. Alice winked at me while J gave me the thumbs up. They both knew that this was over Edward's adoption and nothing else—as far as they were concerned.

"So," Alice said coming up to straighten my shirt and pretend to brush lint from my shoulders. "You sure you want us out of the house _all_ night?" She raised her tiny eyebrows up in such a way that I was hard pressed to not choke right then and there.

"Just because I'm not sure how long dinner will be!" I defended. I could feel the blush rising up my neck.

"No worries Car… Dad," Jazz said coming down the stairs. He was having the hardest adjustment to the official name change. I told him he didn't have to call me dad. If he was more comfortable he could call me whatever he wanted. I just wanted him to know he belonged here with us. That both he and his brother belonged here with us. But that was the rub. Edward. Jazz didn't feel right being here with my name if Edward couldn't too.

I sighed. I would have to have another come-to-Jesus talk with all of my kids soon enough… and I did mean ALL of my kids. This woman was coming over here tonight because I needed to have my family back together.

She was the only thing keeping us apart and it ended tonight.

"I'll keep them out of the house." Jazz winked inconspicuously. Alice giggled. And J tried not to snicker as she punched my shoulder. Damn kids. Maybe I should just ship them all off to a boarding school in France.

"Alright!" I shouted. "Out!" I pointed toward the back door and they headed out with fresh laughter at my expense. For the briefest moment I was worried that I was making another mistake. Could I trust them to be without supervision for one night?

Yes. They were good kids. And they had been honest with me about what happened.

Jazz and Bella had confessed everything that happened that night. I knew that Jazz and Alice were there. I knew that the day I had to send Edward away—I recognized the new snow tread from J's truck in the mud in that field. I knew that at least one of them had been there. And that's why I had had to send him away. There was no way I could keep the fact that all of the adopted kids in my house were off at some drug orgy. It would have risked losing them all… and I could not let that happen.

I didn't let that happen. Because Esme was willing to not press any charges, it was all too easy to make sure the adoption went ahead as planned. Fran, the social worker assigned to my case, was an old friend. She was the one who helped me adopt Alice. And she was more than willing to believe that Edward was just spending some time with Tanya for a few months. She was more than willing to pass the boys straight through for the final adoption- Both of my boys.

I hadn't been able to tell anyone. I knew Esme would through a fit. She claimed all she wanted was Edward out of Bella's life but I could tell she wanted him to suffer for it too. She was turning a blind eye to the evidence that my children and I were bringing to her attention. Hell, the kid who stole the drugs had come clean on his own and confessed. She had to begrudgingly take that one seriously. But she still didn't believe Edward wasn't involved. And she would probably challenge Edward's new last name because of her vendetta. That pissed me off.

I sighed. I was getting all worked up and she wasn't even here yet. I tried not to think about it. There would be plenty of time to think about it. I would not let her leave here tonight until she agreed to let my other newly adopted son come home.

The doorbell chimed. _Damn_. Moment of truth. I tried to repress my sudden spike of anticipation for the fact that I was finally going to have a romantic evening alone with Esme Swan. I felt like a teenage idiot when I opened the door to find her there.

Damn. What the woman did to me.

-**-Bookends-**-

**Esme POV **

He was staring at me again. Those intense midnight blue eyes. What was he thinking?

I had to admit. I was coming around to cutting Edward slack. Carlisle's defense did make sense- _to Chief Swan_. But momma Esme was just a little nervous still. He was promising that Edward would stay away from her until Bella was over eighteen. At that point she could make her own decisions... or mistakes. But I just wanted to keep her safe until then. Show her the potential of being free willed and independent for just a short while before she attached her self to that boy with such reckless abandon.

I had to admit that it wasn't a half bad idea to let him come back here and live with his uncle. Someday.

But none of that had anything to do with that look he was casting in my direction right now.

Maybe it was just naive hope. Maybe it was that repressed little girl who wanted Carlisle Cullen to look like that at her just once when she was young. Maybe it was because I hadn't had sex in almost five years.

_Shit. It must have been the lack of sex_.

Carlisle sighed. He leaned over and refilled my glass. I never really drank that much. I never knew when I would be needed on duty. And I had never really been a big wine drinker anyway. Beer was just more appropriate for my temperament. I really should have not drunk more than the one glass and since this was now my third and I showed no signs of stopping I knew there would probably be consequences. I tended to kind of revert when I got drunk. I really hoped that the side effects would wait until I was safely at home in my bedroom.

_Mmmm... A bedroom and thoughts about Carlisle_. _Enough_. Maybe I should stop drinking. Wait. Who emptied my glass already?

"So, how is J's hormone treatment going?"

Carlisle smiled, the proud papa. "She's doing very well. She is still undecided on the name. You know girls and their decisions." We both laughed. "But I am very proud of her. She seems to be the only one out of all of us who really knows who she wants to be. You know?" I nodded in agreement.

"She is very brave. I know I was pretty lost at that age." I laughed again, while rolling my eyes. " 'bout the only thing I was sure of was that it would be all to easy to get Charlie to marry me."

I laughed again but Carlisle's face kind of fell slightly. Maybe that was the wine talking. It's just what I wanted to see. He had the look removed before I could question it. His dark eyes replaced the semi pain with that old familiar wicked glean.

"Esme?" _Shit_. His voice was so freaking sexy. It had always been so freaking sexy. Did the heater just come on in here?

"You remember that night down by the ridge?" He laughed.

I couldn't help but laugh too. We were pretty stupid when we were kids. "Your squeamish girlfriend chickened out if I remember correctly." He laughed harder at that.

He had the most amazing laugh. "True. But not you," he shook his head when he said it—smiling that crooked smile. "You never back down from anything." There was that look again. _Damn_.

"I want to discuss something else with you." He was serious again. I nodded. My fourth glass was going to go just as fast as the first three.

"It's about the adoptions…" His eyes were kind of reluctant and his face was all sheepish when he looked up at me now. Chief Swan didn't miss the fact that he used a plural.

"What are talking about?" My head was fuzzy from the wine… and a little from his intense eyes too. He leaned in closer to me, damn, was this really happening to me? He put his hand on top of mine. My heart flipped in my throat. _Shit_.

"The adoptions went through on both of the boys," I couldn't believe my ears. My mouth dropped open with a pop. "I would like for you to drop this vendetta against my son so that he can come home."

_What_! My mind was running in six different directions. In order to protect the one that was fleeing from hurt and embarrassment over hoping this night was just about us and not about Edward—I went with Chief Swan. "How could you do that! It's illegal!"

He was shaking his head before I could finish. "No, he broke no laws. Edward was innocent."

I was getting pretty freaking tired of everyone I tried to care about doing nothing these days but defend Edward freaking Masen. Bella just glared at me and stopped talking to me and now Carlisle was making me feel used in order to let me down easy on the fact that he went behind my back.

"You promised!" I shrieked. "You told me if I let it go, you'd just make him leave town. You said that was that! He was gone!" I slammed my fist on the table. "You promised!"

"Yes!" He yelled back. I had forgotten that Carlisle could give as good as he got in arguments. "I promised that he would be out of Bella's life—never mine! He's my family! He belongs here with us. I won't turn my back on that! I made that promise too!"

I shoved away from the table. Screw my coat and purse. J could bring them over tomorrow when she came to see Em.

"It's no use trying to convince me Carlisle!" I yelled. So made I could spit nails. "You lied to me back then and you could be lying to me right now! You plan this night just to soften me up so you could just tell me you lied? Why did you send him away at all? Just flaunt this shit in my face next time!"

"Alice is my daughter! _You know that_!" I froze at the door. He pointed an accusing finger at me. "Mary sent her to that hell whole when she hooked up with that asshole all those years ago! I WILL NOT LOSE HER AGAIN! If I had let you do any of that to him… if you do anything to him now… it will revoke my right to her too. She's my own fucking daughter and I'm at their fucking mercy to let me keep her! _You know that, Esme_! How can you suggest that this was wrong! Edward doesn't deserve to be beaten like a fucking dog all of his life! And Alice and Jazz don't deserve to be shipped away with no family to support them! Don't be so fucking heartless! You're better than that! You have the most… beautiful fucking heart I've ever known!" He collapsed back in his chair. His face was red from his anger and he was breathing heavy from his words. He hung his face in his hands. "Don't fucking do this." Those words were just a whisper.

I wanted to stand by him. I really wanted to believe what he said. But all I could see was Bella's naked broken body in my mind. Of course her bike against the shed and the snow tread in the mud flashed up there too. And little Alice. Her eyes just as piercingly blue as Carlisle's. Her tiny frame as slight as her mother's. And her natural talent in creating was no doubt gleaned from both Carlisle and his former wife. It would never be fair to jeopardize her status in his life.

But that wasn't what was holding me silent against the front door.

It was the fact that for a second I had believed it. I really believed that I was finally here, with Carlisle freaking Cullen, and I was holding my own. The way he had looked at me. The personal way we had spoken to each other. The way I had let my guard down and drank far too much wine. The way he just complimented me while yelling at me.

That little girl was shaking inside of me. And she was screaming we're going to get hurt. But I couldn't help it anymore. I could almost feel his hand on top of mine still. I looked down at my feet. I was only human after all. And I was tired. Really tired of trying to compete with Edward and Charlie and everyone else in my life.

"So," my voice was shaky and breathless. I kind of pulled up the last of my integrity and let the wine take over. Regrets were for tomorrow. "If I agree to drop it…" I rolled my eyes. "You'll sleep with me?"

I gasped because he was already standing in front of me when I looked up. _Shit_. His eyes midnight blue eyes were so freaking gorgeous. And intense.

"No Esme…" _Shit_. There goes another night alone with only fantasies of Carlisle and a pint of rocky road.

"I'll make love to you no matter what." _DAMN_!

He slammed me back against the door with a passion that took my breath away. His hands took my face in his sure grasp. His perfect lips crushed against mine and I moaned when his tongue stroked inside my mouth.

That little scared Esme was rolling over in her grave. I was glad I was drunk enough to drop my defenses but not so wasted that I wouldn't remember a thing tomorrow morning.

This was going to be one fucking night to remember!


	15. Verses out of rhythm

**Bookends By: Bella's Executioner.**

**Rating: M- this means if you're under 16 you are agreeing to break your own ToS by reading this and I'm not your mother so be responsible for yourself.**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is the sole owner of the world of Twilight. She is Bella's creator. I am Bella's Executioner.**

**A/N: Bookends is the very first fanfiction I started writing. It's been on this site, moved and come back. It has errors, fuck ups and lots of proofs that I'm human but it also has all of my heart and soul in it. I welcome you into this world of pain and love and hope that you enjoy. I also welcome your thoughts as you read—pm me or review and I'll be happy to discuss the story with you.**

**Chapter 15: Verses out of rhythm**

-**-Bookends-**-

**APOV (Cullen kitchen five minutes before Esme tries to leave.)**

_Damn it's cold out there tonight! _

_Oh… he has mood music playing in the background. Always thinking that father of mine… Wonder what… NO! Don't listen to dad wooing his one true love! Ha! I'm so glad he finally is making a move. Sure burry it under the need to have Edward home but don't think you're fooling anyone Carlisle Cullen. You have the hots for Ms. Swan in a way that rivals the lust that your would be son has for his Swan…_

_Damn. Where did I put that apple? Em is packing the food for the late night picnic. There won't be anything healthy in that basket. Condoms and beer are probably all he'll pack for him and J. Disgusting male!_

_Ahh... there it is. _

"How can you do that! It's illegal!"

_Damn… what the hell was going on in there…_

_Don't do it Alice. You know better than to do it_. _You know where your curiosity leads you_…

I saw that bastard's face in my mind again. Saw James and Victoria fighting and James heading down the garden. It was something about his old life in Vancouver…. Something about this place that sounded very familiar to me. I followed him. Stupid. Really fucking stupid. But I had to know… What did he know about the Marshall Home for Orphans?… I knew a whole fucking lot about that hell hole… I was just curious to know his story.

But I never got the chance to ask.

"_Mary_?... is that really you?"I shivered. He couldn't fucking mean who I thought he meant_. _"Ahh… Vicky's little bitch assistant." Well that was more than rude. She was hardly someone above me in this business…

"You must be Alice… yes…_Cullen_…"Creep. Why the fuck did I follow him out here all alone?

"You know, you look like _her_…"What? I was frozen with wide eyes as he approached me. Run Alice. Stay Alice. Who was he talking about?

"You look so much like your _mother_…"His hand gripped my dress strap. Where was Jazz? What did he mean… my mother? There were never any records of her anywhere. I didn't exist before I was left on that doorstep.

"Do you _taste_ like her too?"He leaned down to really dominate me.

Taste like her… No, but you can taste my fist in your lip asshole!

I shook just thinking about it. There were too many damn secrets I was trying to find the answers to these days. And all of them reminded me of that moment in the darkness in the garden… reminded me of all that shit I repressed when I came to live here.

I clutched the apple tightly in my hand. I didn't need to know anymore secrets. It shouldn't be my burden to bear. But I couldn't help it… I had to know.

Esme slammed her fist on the table. I squeaked a little as leaned against the kitchen door to listen in. Dad could fight better than anyone—a damn lion with emotion and words.

"Alice is my daughter! _You know that_!"

HOLY FUCKING MOTHER OF GOD!

He wasn't just saying that. It was true. That asshole was right…

The apple hit the floor only seconds before I was on my knees with my hands colliding with the granite tile. My breaths were coming sharp and fast… my mind was spinning. But my hearing was crystal clear…

"Mary sent her to that hell hole when she hooked up with that asshole all those years ago!" That asshole—I could still see his face. That asshole knew her… knew what the fuck he was talking about that night in the garden… Fuck.

"I WILL NOT LOSE HER AGAIN!" What did it mean? Why did he lose me in the first place? How could he still lose me now?

My hands gripped the sides on my hair. I wasn't Alice Cullen right now—I was scared Alice no name in the darkness of that orphanage. I was the frightened little girl who didn't want to tell anyone she needed to get up because she didn't want to get beaten again. I was the little girl who wet her bed to spare the skin on her ass from bleeding for just one night. I was rocking on my knees… practically sobbing with my silent terror.

"If I had let you do any of that to him… if you do anything to him now… it will revoke my right to her too. She's my own fucking daughter and I'm at their fucking mercy to let me keep her! _You know that, Esme_!" Edward… he was gone because of me! Don't fucking put that on my shoulders right now… I couldn't fucking take it. I needed someone to take me on their shoulders instead. He can't keep me… claim me… I don't even belong to my own fucking father! My cry was silent but it contorted my face in the rage and anguish. Did everyone know about this nonexistence of the lost Cullen child but me? Did J know? Did Jazz? Fuck Jazz. My cousin… for real?

My guts were churning. My tears were falling silently on the kitchen floor.

"Don't fucking do this." He whispered. I couldn't agree more. I collapsed against the floor. My face buried in my tiny hands. I wept.

Wept for the innocence stolen from me as I was from my father. Wept for that bitch of a mother belonging to me. Wept for the nights of being tortured with a car battery and an old rusty tub before I was six years old. Cried for my father's pain. Sobbed for Edward's misplaced family identity—I could finally truly feel that pain. Pined for the knowledge that Jazz and I could no longer be.

But mostly I wept for finally finding her… the real Alice Cullen. She had been lost for so long. For a very long time she never existed at all. And for the last four months she had been fighting to break through but locked in the darkness. Now she could breathe. Now she could live.

But what kind of life would it be?

-**-Bookends-**-

**Esme POV**

I moaned again as he ran his hands down my shoulders. Carlisle had touched me thousands of times throughout our lives… had his touch ever felt like this before? I doubted it. This was pure electricity. And it was searing my skin with raw desire.

My hands gripped his blond thick hair as his hands cupped under my ass. I gasped at his sheer strength—he lifted me up and slammed me against the door again. My legs could do nothing but naturally secure around his waist. My shoes fell to the floor forgotten.

_Damn_!

He was stealing all of the air from my lungs. Causing my head to get even lighter… how was he doing that? His tongue was almost torturous on my neck. Shit… his teeth and his lips were making me come alive in ways I never had before.

"Esme…" He breathed against the base of my throat. I could only offer a throaty grunt in reply. I plunged my fingers deeper in his hair- gripping the silky strands… he had the best damn hair.

My toes were kind of curling against his calves. And no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't catch my breath.

"Are you sure about this…" His voice was sending sinful vibrations against my ear. _Shit_! He wanted me to function enough to think?

"Ah huh!" I sort of moaned. I couldn't get enough air to really speak.

"This isn't about anything else… for me." He kissed the flesh under my ear. Shit—this could be totally about using me I didn't give a crap right now! This was more than I had ever felt. More consuming. Powerful. I was nearly wild from what his skin was doing to mine. I didn't care right now!

"I know…" I lied. All I really knew right now was that I was totally his. If he wanted me to drop to my knees and take him into my mouth I'd do it—I just needed to feel him against me… forever.

He slid me down so that our eyes were level. Shit—his eyes. Our breaths were labored and mixing in the air between us. He looked down at my lips. I kind of whimpered a plea for his to return to mine.

He went back to starring in to my eyes. His hands cupped my face and his thumb ran along my bottom lip as he spoke. "This is about you and me." I darted my tongue out to taste his thumb as it passed. He sucked in his breath when my wet hot tongue met his flesh. I drew it into my mouth as he continued to insist on speaking. "No conditions." Suck. _Damn you taste good Dr. Cullen. And these fingers… I bet they can do more than just save a life_. "Nothing outside of us…I…" _Nip. Oh… do you like it when I bite you? Looks like you do_…

"I don't want you to think I'm using you."

"Why…" I purred. I leaned forward and drew his earlobe in between my teeth. He hissed as he sucked in another hard breath. "I'm planning on using everything you've got."

He slammed me against the door again… it was rather exhilarating. I never thought I'd like hard sex. Charlie was a wimp… to say the least. And the one and only time that I had given in and slept with my off and on boyfriend, Billy Black, it was out of loneliness. When the accident happened he told me it was over anyway… but even he had to know that I was burning for someone else.

Something more.

Carlisle's amazing physician hands squeezed my breasts roughly. Damn… did all of his patients get such thorough attention? It was like he knew exactly what I needed.

"Where?" he asked. My eyes that were closing out of pure sensation shot open as his request. Where else could you do it?

"What?" I said. My body sort of froze as I tried to figure out what he was asking. I might have had two kids… but I was beginning to get the feeling that I was moving in to unfamiliar territory with this man.

Why did it not surprise me to think that Carlisle was a sex god?

He laughed. His hands stroked my cheeks to ease my tension. It worked. I was melting in to him again—the question almost completely forgotten.

He laughed again. I must have looked like a drunken horny teenager. "Here…" He ran his eyes down the length of my body and I felt my skin blaze in the trail that he made down me. His eyes stopped on the floor and he pointed down to our feet. He cast his eyes back to mine without turning his head. They were wicked and his crooked smile was filled with promises.

My idiot mind finally caught on. Where did we want to take each other?

"Or…" he purred. And he turned his head slightly toward the stairs. He turned back to me and those damn eyes were hypnotizing me again.

"Where?" He breathed. His hands returned to my cheeks and his lips trailed down my chest.

I rolled my eye. Decisions? Really? Was he fucking kidding me? He could take me on the dinning room table… there was an image that was only going to stroke the fire.

"I'm waiting Esme?" He demanded. I gasped as he took my taut nipple in between his lips. Even through the layers of the blouse and my bra I could feel the heat from his tongue.

This time I slammed my own head back against the door.

His tongue stroked me back and forth.

Think Esme.

Back and forth.

Feels so fucking good.

Back and forth.

My hands were gripping his hair harder—pressing him against me. Don't ever move.

"Esme…" He warned against my chest. I moaned. My mind wasn't capable to think right now. "I'm not a patient man." He nipped his teeth over the tip of my nipple.

I nearly screamed. Thank god the kids were nowhere near the house tonight!

"HERE!" I shrieked. I would probably be more comfortable in the bedroom—on a bed. But I wasn't going to make it that long.

I could feel myself already wet for him. I could feel his need rubbing against my thigh as he pressed me back into the door once more.

"Good." He breathed.

He tore my shirt apart across my chest. His jaw was clenched and his eyes were hungry. Shit.

Strike the felt my self wet for him thought—I was swimming in a damn river for him. Every inch of me was tingling for his touch.

He looked down at my chest—his able hands making short work of removing my bra. Exposed. On fire. His.

His strong hands gripped me hard once more. I wanted nothing more than to lean my head back and enjoy the sensation. But I was captivated by the sight of him. Carlisle was the most gentle and kind person I had ever known. But the man in front of me right now was a beast. A tiger.

His eyes were hooded with need. His beautiful face was hard with his hunger. His lips were pulled into a sneer of knowing power. He was magnificent.

"I want you." He said—squeezing my breasts harder. I didn't want to sound stupid so I bit my tongue at the DUH that I wanted to throw at him. Good thing. This was just him warming up to talk dirty.

"I want you to scream." His velvet voice was almost angry.

His hands massaged my chest so hard and deep that I couldn't help but comply. He slammed me back against the door as he worked over my throbbing breasts. I was turning into a wild beast my self—writhing against him as he thrust me in to the wood.

If this was just the wind up—I just might die from this night with him. Stupid irony!

"Esme" he whispered. He dropped to his knees in front of me. I was throbbing and gasping for air. I just stood waiting for more.

He made even shorter work of my pants and panties. I closed my eyes against the pure sensation as he spread my legs and touched me. I moaned.

He pulled his fingers away. "Esme…" He warned. I nodded with my eyes still closed. He placed his fingers back on my swollen center… and I screamed.

I'm not sure why it shocked me… by this point nothing about what was happening should have shocked me. But when I felt his lips on me I jumped. His hands were around my waist—soothing me, reassuring me again.

My head snapped down and I looked at him with wide eyes. I wasn't sure if I was ready for all that. I had never had the opportunity for anything oral—with either of the two men I slept with before. I wasn't sure if I could survive every fantasy all in one night with Carlisle. It was too much.

"What's wrong?" He asked looking up at me. His beautiful tiger face of need had melted back into the compassionate Carlisle. Damn it. I didn't want to stop altogether.

My breath was shaky as I tried to explain. "Not that." Was all I could squeak. The hands at my sides continued to sooth me turning gentle circles over my flesh.

His eyes narrowed. "Not tonight." He amended. Shit. Did Carlisle Cullen not only promise that this would not be my one and only night of sex with him, but that he would be giving me oral gratification on some other occasion.

I closed my eyes again. Please don't ever wake me from this dream!

"Esme," He breathed again. He was standing and his lips and fingers made three separate blazing trails up my body to my face. "Undress me." He said and kissed my lips gently.

Was he a freaking Dom with Mary? Did I never realize what kind of sex life they led? I reached up to follow his command. I wished that I could rip his shirt as impressively as he had mine. But as I undid each button on his gorgeous charcoal shirt—he had good taste in clothing—I was sort of shy and timid. He put his hands back on my waste and I realized something almost more shocking than seeing the tiger back on his face. If he had been a Dom to my friend that wouldn't have surprised me as much as the thought that I was willing right now to become his Sub.

I bit back the 'Yes Master' when his eyes told me to do it faster. I really wanted to do it faster too. I needed him just as naked as I was faster.

He kicked off his shoes and I tried not to blush too much when I lowered his pants over his trapped erection. It made me even wilder to think that I could affect Carlisle Cullen that much. My hands were shaky as I lowered them to his boxers.

I couldn't look him in the eye as I did it—and I couldn't really look down at him either. I sort of cast my eyes to the right and fumbled for a grip against the fabric. I could tell he was smiling. He did nothing but continue to stroke my skin at my waste. And he wiggled slightly when I pinched his skin trying to grab the fabric.

Once he was released I was the little shy girl again. How strange? With both Charlie and Billy I had been the one driving the moment. I had been so in control that it was almost not fun at all.

I let my self finally look down at him. His touch at my sides was just building my need more and more and I had to see how much he wanted this too. And of course he was magnificent there too.

I wanted to sigh. How could I hold my own against a creature so perfect?

"Esme?" He prompted. This time I did sigh. I reached out a shy finger and ran it down the length of him between us. His breath caught. I smiled. I still had it.

"Carlisle…" I said mimicking his commanding voice. He chuckled as I raised my sultry eyes to his lust hooded ones.

"_I_ want to hear _you_ scream." I told him and my hand closed around him as hard as his had been around my breasts. He hissed.

The tiger was excited… but there was a hint of anger in his eyes at my words and actions. _Not in to be dominated either huh?_ I thought.

His soothing hands slammed me against the door once more. He growled and clenched his jaw. _Scream for me my pretty boy_. I thought through my eyes. He glared at me and returned his hands to my breasts.

_Battle of wills huh? Okay_. I gripped harder around him and pumped. He sucked in a breath but made no sound. His hands were brutal on my breasts. I couldn't hope to want to toy with him much longer. I really did just need him inside of me whether he was willing to play my game or not.

"Carlisle…" I warned. My delicate hand left his skin. My last warning.

He closed his eyes and nodded. His hands left my breast and captured my hands. He pressed my hands above my head and thrust himself deep inside of me.

We screamed together.

I couldn't pay attention to much else after that. We were both unleashed wild animals. He was some sort of demented musician who could make my body sing for him—no _scream_ for him.

We let the passion over take us against the door—falling to the floor as his thrusts grew harder and deeper and my screams filled the room like I was being stabbed.

It was more than I had ever felt before—it had to be a dream. I had to be passed out in my bed at home because I drank too much wine. There was no possible way that Carlisle Cullen was pressing me into the hard wood floor of his entry way and telling me that I looked so beautiful coming for him. Shit he loved to talk dirty.

"So beautiful…" he breathed as his teeth captured my nipple once more. I was exploding and flying. "Yes. For me."

He said he thrust once more even deeper than he had before and I truly screamed as loud as I could. The second orgasm hit me as I felt him lock down in his.

I was actually laughing as I came down from the high. He was nuzzling my neck—laughing too.

"Was it good for you?" He joked.

I shook my head. "Nope. Better luck next time." I couldn't catch my breath. I was covered in sweat. Damn he was good.

"Promise." He said throwing his head back and laughing.

He was off of me then. Standing above me and looking down at my shocked face. He chuckled.

He bent down and picked me up like I was his bride on our first night of marriage.

"Shall we?" He asked.

He carried me up the stairs to his bedroom.

Oh lord, please don't ever wake me from this dream.

-**-Bookends-**-

**APOV (five minutes earlier)**

I sat back on my heels and enjoyed the sounds of two lovers letting lose in the entry room.

I should have… what been disgusted? My father was a human being. He had needs. How often had I tried to talk Jazz into having sex on that same piece of wood floor?

It sounded like he was pretty good. That's nice. It's nice to know that he wasn't some guy who just took what he wanted from a woman and then cast her off… clearly it must have been my mother who did the taking.

She took me away from him. Denied me the passion that he could give to those he loves for so many years in my youth.

I rubbed my nose.

My tears were all used up.

Esme was screaming again. I could hear their bodies slapping together. It should have been disturbing… I guess… I pushed the kitchen door open just enough to get a glimpse of them.

And it was beautiful.

He pressed into her on the floor with a vigorous need. From this angle with the dinning room between us, all I could really make out were their entwined bodies. A naked arm slung over a naked shoulder.

I could hear my father telling her she was beautiful. I could hear her moan in her need for him. It was beautiful. Two people so trusting of each other. Two people who were willing to become one.

I cowered back into the kitchen—my mind still split in two. I picked the apple up from the floor.

Jazz tapped on the window quietly. How long had he been standing there? I gripped the fruit to my chest.

I was terrified to leave this room. I had no idea who I would be once I left this space. I could no longer go back to being confused Alice no name. I knew what my name really was…

Now I would have to figure out who I was.

-**-Bookends-**-

**JPOV**

"Are you sure you're alright?" I asked her for the hundredth time.

She just nodded. Alice had been silently munching on her apple since she followed me down to the river. She had been distant for a while with me now. But this was even more unnerving.

I could feel a vibe coming from her that was totally foreign. She was really pushing me away this time.

It scared me.

"Where's Bella?" She asked turning to Em and J as they pulled out the beer and condoms from the basket that Em packed. Fuckers. I was hungry.

"She's in her room. Throwing up." Em contorted his face as he said it.

"Is she alright?" J asked rolling her eyes at Em's lack of food. "Really? No food?" She added.

"Hey, don't blame me. I had a whole spread laid out. Bells caught a whiff of the fish from the fry and she spewed over all of it. Literally…" his head shook back and forth frantically. "Total exorcist."

Alice gasped.

J and I just exchanged a worried look. "Did you bother to ask her what was wrong?" J probed cracking open one of the beers.

"No…" Em said like it was the stupidest question he had ever heard. "Bells and vomit are not on my priorities list. Not like…" he grabbed J's legs and forced her to straddle his lap, "another young lady I know."

J giggled and flushed. That was usually our cue to leave.

I looked to find Alice already half way back to the Swan house.

"Al!" I called running up behind her. "What's up?" I asked putting my hands on her shoulders.

"Not now Jazz." I was really getting tired of being the dog that she kicked the most these days. I loved her and I wouldn't want to hurt her but I couldn't keep living like this.

"Yes, now Alice." I turned her to face me. We were going to talk now or else. Though I had no real definition of what or else would entail.

"I need to go see Bella. You need to leave me alone…" She darted her eyes down. Like that last part was about more than just right now.

"What are saying?" I hated be so intuitive with this girl. Other couples got to have it out—Bella and Edward could fight all afternoon and never understand where the other one was coming from. But I knew this girl too well on too many levels to not know what she was talking about. She wanted to break up.

"So that's how it is?" I said removing my hands from her shoulder. "Just like that. No explanation. Just get out of my face Jazz?"

Her tiny eyes shot up to mine. Her little face was puckered. I didn't want to put that pain in her features. But she was torturing me too.

"Yes." She breathed. The tears were welling up in her eyes now. Though I could barely see them for my own. I nodded.

Fine. Her choice. I was just happy I had had the time I could with her.

" 'kay." I said and backed away.

"Jazz." She started but I was already running by then. I had no where really to run. I thought about the person I wanted to be able to turn to right now for support. But Edward was the last person I would burden with any of this. I decided on the next best thing.

Carlisle.

I ran into the house. The kitchen door was still open from only moments earlier when Alice had left. I took two giant breaths inside the quiet room.

This place would have to be a sanctuary for me for a moment. I was about to interrupt the most important night of my new father's life—dinner with Esme. I needed to have it a little bit more together before I stormed in to the dinning room.

I steadied my breath and walked into the room. Strange. The table had their plates and food still sprawled out but no people. The way the forks and food were placed it looked like they had suddenly stopped eating—a fight. Damn. Carlisle probably wanted to be alone right now.

If he was here at all.

I climbed the stairs to my room. I was so pathetic. I didn't even have anyone I could turn to. I had built my whole world around Alice.

I could hear Carlisle's voice coming from his bedroom. It was muffled but it was him. I debated with myself and the top of the stairs. I could just go to my room. Leave him alone. But then, if he had had a bad night with Esme that could be something that could bond us right now—right?

Lost love. I sighed. I just needed to talk to someone. Just for a minute.

I turned the doorknob and stepped in.

The two pairs of shocked eyes that met mine were frozen in terror. I gaped—not at the fact that I found Carlisle in a state other than I had anticipated but because Chief Swan had some of the nicest breasts I had ever seen.

Then I closed my eyes and looked down at the floor. I had no right to see them. Of course the image of her straddled atop my uncle/adopted father was now burned into the back of my eye lids.

"SORRY!" I roared and slammed the door behind me.

It seemed like I was just running from everyone tonight. I heard Carlisle yell my name but I was already through the kitchen door and heading back out into the back yard by then.

I ended up in Edward and Bella's tree house.

Pulled my knees up under my chin and rocked back and forth. I didn't think about it. I pulled my phone out and hit send.

"Hey." I said when I heard him answer.


	16. A still life watercolor

**Bookends By: Bella's Executioner.**

**Rating: M- this means if you're under 16 you are agreeing to break your own ToS by reading this and I'm not your mother so be responsible for yourself.**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is the sole owner of the world of Twilight. She is Bella's creator. I am Bella's Executioner.**

**A/N: Bookends is the very first fanfiction I started writing. It's been on this site, moved and come back. It has errors, fuck ups and lots of proofs that I'm human but it also has all of my heart and soul in it. I welcome you into this world of pain and love and hope that you enjoy. I also welcome your thoughts as you read—pm me or review and I'll be happy to discuss the story with you.**

**Chapter 16: A still life watercolor **

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**EPOV (Seattle same night)**

"Jazz, you know that no one is more in love than you and Alice." I spun the lighter on my knee. _Next to me and Bella_. I told myself silently.

"Edward…" He took a deep breath. "It's not about that anymore. It's about something Al won't share with me. It's about… me not trusting myself to be enough for her. It's about... shit! I don't even know!"

I rolled my eyes. My baby brother was too damn perceptive. He needed to go with his gut and just have it out with Alice. It would be a healthy release—for both of them. I liked fighting with Bella. She was stubborn and passionate. She was vengeful and she wasn't afraid to hit me. The girl had one strange mind. Fighting with her opened my eyes to her motives and her desires. I always learned something new about my girl when we let our passions go that way.

But Jazz couldn't fight with Alice. Jazz couldn't fight with anyone—least of all his precious Al. He cared about her too much on too many wrong levels. He wanted her happy. He wanted her content. And teenagers with issues like everyone in our close circle were setting themselves up for a world of hurt without getting angry every now and then.

But then that was the wall that Jazz would have to crash into soon. Just like we all did eventually.

"You okay?" I asked knowing that he wasn't. The world was never right without your girl by your side. I fingered the picture that I had drawn of Bella sleeping. My fingers focused on her slightly parted lips. I missed her lips most of all. She has the best lips. Even when she's asleep, she always gave me the best kisses.

"Yeah," he lied. I laughed.

"How..." I stopped. I hadn't really been able to talk about Bella to anyone lately. I knew I was getting into the Pops. Bella had talked to me and congratulated me and for the first time I didn't hear that sneer of regret in her voice when it came to me moving that far away from her. But I still didn't like remembering that she was there and I was here. And I had a lot of things I wanted to talk to her and only her about before I talked about her to anyone.

I could still smell her on my skin. I sighed.

Prom was four weeks away and I wasn't going to be there to take my girl to the dance. I wasn't going to be able to parade her beauty around and make every guy there jealous. When I closed my eyes at night I could almost hear the satin in her skirt swirl around us as I turned us around the dance floor.

I laughed to myself when I thought about probably having to lift her up so that she could dance on my feet. She was rather uncoordinated with stuff like that. Though I was too. We'd probably just be the typical teens swaying while timidly holding each other around the neck.

Damn I missed her.

"Good," was all Jazz said. I sighed. That was good enough for now. Soon. Hopefully, I would be seeing her soon.

"Later." I said and he agreed and as I hit end I felt a stab of pain at leaving my baby brother behind too. I put the phone in my back pocket and headed back into the house. I didn't get to enjoy the smoke I had snuck out to light but Bella would tell me that was better for me anyway.

I smirked. _Bella_. What that girl did to me—even miles and miles removed from my daily life. She was in absolutely everything I did.

Phil and Tanya were sitting in the kitchen talking and I didn't want to intrude. So I snuck around front and took the stairs two at a time to my old room.

I pulled out the shirt that I had kept from Bella's room- the one she told me she always wore just for me and inhaled her scent from the fibers. It was a black shirt with no frills. It just said my Bella when I saw it. She told me to keep it with me so that I always had something of her to hold on to. _Crazy Bella_. _Stupid Edward. _

I spent sixteen hours the first day I got here at the drug store trying to find her—her scent. I must have looked psychotic. I sniffed and dabbed and drank in the smells of hundreds of perfumes and lotions and body sprays. I trained my self on the differences of creams, buffs, and butters. I could tell you the variations in notes of smells in every type of heather there was on the market. Finally on the one thousandth and one try I found it—the smell that reminded me of Bella. It was a mixture of heather hand soap from the drug store and a body spray called rain kissed leaves from BBW. It was Bella. Everyday I mixed the potions and cast her spell. I knew somewhere in her room was one of my shirts covered in all my smells that she kept near her. And I guess it said a lot that I actually smelled her more than once a day.

Damn I missed her.

-**-Bookends-**-

**CPOV (the next morning.)**

I groaned when the alarm went off. I yearned for an eternity of sleep. I was having the best damn dream. _Esme_. I could almost smell her still…

I rolled over and stretched. And stopped.

My eyes popped open when I felt the soft silky hair and the warm creamy skin. _Esme_. She was real. And she was still lying in my bed.

I smiled- crooked and goofy, I'm sure.

A gentle, iridescent smile played across her relaxed face. She was truly beautiful. No... She was gorgeous. She didn't seem bothered in the slightest by my alarm or my waking up. And I was glad for that. I laid my cheek down on my folded hands and watched my sleeping angel.

It was going to be a rough day. Jazz was no where to be found after he burst in on us last night. It didn't sit well with me to leave him alone without talking to him. But I couldn't resist the tugging in my chest that pulled me back to my room- back to Esme. And I had not been able to really think about anything else once I came back to the goddess in my bed. I also hadn't really been able to control my self.

I'm not sure when we finally stopped torturing each other with the fantastic sex and teasing touching but I think we eventually just passed out from exhaustion. I know that was the only thing that would have stopped me.

I still couldn't really understand what came over me last night.

I ran my knuckles light as feather across her cheek. She sighed and pressed in to my flesh like a kitten being stroked by her master. That's what came over me last night—that raw hunger that was threatening to control me right now. Possessive. Animalistic. Power.

I rolled over and stared at the ceiling. I had prided myself on being a patient and controlled person. Calm. Reserved. All of my life I never gave into the passion. I had a lot of dark shit in my past that would have made me angry. But I never went to that dark place inside of me.

Mary had pushed me close—a lot. We would fight so violently with words that it was all either of us could do to not physically lash out at each other. When she felt me pulling away, as early as a few weeks after we were married, she called me on it. She knew that I only married her because she was pregnant. I knew better than to commit to a relationship for that reason but I had known and cared about her for a long time. I was young and foolish enough to believe we could survive being just really good friends. Our marriage was never healthy. We fought. I was angry—but mostly at myself. I never truly loved Mary. And that made me defensive- but remorseful that I could not be enough for my family. So I fought with her to show her I cared. It was a stupid way to show it, but with my background it was one of the only ways I understood. I could never love Mary the way she wanted or even needed me to. I only ever loved one woman in my life.

I peeked back at her. Still sleeping. Still perfect.

I smiled again- totally goofy with teeth this time.

I still couldn't really understand how easily it took over—the ferocity. I guess the fact that I had carried a torch for Esme Whitlock all of my childhood and the fact that I knew Esme Swan would just slowly fade from her brilliance with that damn Charlie by her side was just fuel for the burn. When we both ended up unattached all those years ago I never dreamed of hoping for a day like today. She was such a pistol on her own. And I had never followed through with the silent promises I had made to her before we went through all that pain.

I would never deserve her.

But last night… here she was. In my home. By my side. And she wanted me. Told me that she would drop her anger over Edward if I just made love to her. Fuck. If I had known it was that easy!

It was just amazing. I finally understood that look in Edward's eyes. The one that he had the day I had to send him away. When I mentioned Bella—he got that look. His eyes told me that he wasn't Edward anymore—he was just Bella's. I knew now, as I looked over at her and felt myself floating out of my body, I was just Esme's.

So long sorry ass Carlisle Cullen. I laughed silently at the thought. I was okay with never seeing him again. But that monster that threw her delicate body against the front door… I would have to try to figure him out.

Esme sighed again… Yes, I would have to figure him, the tiger, out soon. I could already feel him stirring for her.

She turned slightly in her sleep and the sheet moved down. I could just barely see her naked breasts rising and falling with her gentle breaths. Fuck. She was beautiful. The predator smiled through my lips… and she was _mine_.

"Why don't you take a picture?" She purred.

I growled. One of her eyes opened slowly to tempt me… how did she know just how to awaken this part of me?

"Morning, Sunshine." She whispered. I smiled- not goofy or silly but lethal and hungry.

I captured her, making her giggle like a little girl, and pinned her under me. She was still lightly laughing as I caught her lips in mine for a deep morning kiss. She smelled amazing—and I could smell my self on her. That was driving me wild.

"Good morning, tigress." I teased- moving my lips down her throat and back up to the delicious flesh beneath her ear.

She flushed and rolled her eyes. "You're really going to hold that against me forever aren't you?" I nodded. I wasn't going to forget the moment she screamed that I was her tiger man any time soon. I really liked the nick name. And I really liked the memory. She was a very flexible woman.

"What's on your agenda today?" I asked casually, running my hands down her wonderful neck and gently massaging her breasts. She had great breasts. But then I had always known that. I was her doctor after all.

"Ummm?" She had that look on her face again—the one that told me that she was too affected by my hands on her body. The Carlisle part of my brain thought it cruel to continue to tease her this way. The tiger man wanted to see if I could make her go completely mindless with sexual need. I really liked knowing that Esme was even affected by me that way. Hell, I was developing a whole new persona for her.

"I hope..." I said running my lips down her throat- slowly. Seductively. Wetly. "That I can be at least a small part of it." I smiled against her sweet skin. I could almost hear the spike in her heart rate.

I ran my nose down to her breasts- taking a deep breath of her delicious scent. My mouth watered at the thought of tasting her flesh again.

"Carlisle..." She moaned. There it was- the tiger was coming up to the surface with her words. Her hands were suddenly in my hair. Damn this woman knows just how to play me.

"If you are not planning on having... me" I smirked. "Then you really shouldn't touch my hair." I nipped at the skin at the base of her breast.

She sighed. And moved her hands down to her sides. The tiger wanted to growl at that. He didn't like giving her free will. I shook my head to try to clear it. Yes I would have to get a handle on this beast sooner rather than later.

I looked up into her quiet green eyes. Beautiful.

"Sorry." She breathed. She cupped her hands on either side of my face- smiling like a long time lover. Fuck. This was nice... nice that we could just fall into such an easy rhythm with each other. "I don't want to, but I really have to get back to reality."

I groaned when she pulled my face forward and put her soft lips against mine. The tiger wasn't going to make it easy to let her leave.

"_Esme_…" I warned when her hot tongue started to tickle along my upper lip.

"Yes, Carlisle." She teased. _Don't do that Chief Swan- not unless you want him unleashed again_.

I was past the point of speaking by the time I let her tongue into my mouth. And I was past the point of control by the time that my hands touched her hips.

"Oh my!" She gasped when I touched two fingers to her center. I growled- she was already wet and warm. _For me_.

"Damn woman." I growled. As her hands secured my face to her breasts.

"_Yes_!" She moaned. I could hear it in her voice. The self assured way she believed that she was in control of the situation.

I smirked against her hard nipple. _Not so fast Chief Swan_. I thought back to last night- before I lost all control. I knew exactly what would drive her wild.

It was almost cruel. The tiger liked that.

I spread her legs with my sure hands and trailed light kisses down her chest and across her abdomen.

"Oh my!" She nearly screamed. The tiger purred at the sound. He wanted nothing more than to hear her scream. And she wanted nothing more than to comply.

It really _was_ cruel. She gripped her hands harder in my hair- believing that she was spurring me in her power. I bit the flesh of her stomach. _That's it my lovely girl- go crazy. For me_.

She arched her back and hips as I moved further down. She was writhing in need by the time my lips trailed to her inner thighs. She wasn't going to be able to resist me this time.

My hands caressed and relaxed the flesh of her legs and thighs. Her hands were no longer in my hair- just falling limply on her stomach. Her breaths were fast and hard. You'd almost think to hear the two of us that we had not had sex for months- and you would never have believed that we had played with each other non-stop just a few short hours ago.

Like two horny teenagers we were going primal again. She bent her knees when I bit the sensitive skin high up on her thigh. My fingers were still playing along her wet lips.

Her head was arched back- so beautiful in the craze of hunger for me. The tiger was growling in my mind now. I licked my lips as I watched my fingers push in and out of her. I had to taste her- all of her.

My lose hand ran up to her chest. Her delicate hand captured it and drew my thumb to her lips. I hissed a sharp breath of pleasure as she pushed my thumb into her wet hot mouth.

_My turn_. I kissed the sensitive bud and she nearly jumped off the bed. I smiled. I was so mean.

Her legs tensed around my shoulders but she was too late if she wanted to stop me. My strong hand, the one not secured with her mouth, pushed her legs back down on to the bed while my lips trailed light, gentle, loving kisses along her sensitive flesh.

"_Carlisle_..." She moaned around my thumb. I felt her sit up- as best as she could with her legs pinned under my arms.

I growled against her. "Carlisle!" She tried to warn. But her voice was strained and I felt her hand in my hair grip tightly. She meant to pull me away, but instead I let my hot tongue sweep slowly up her length and felt the subtlest pressure from behind my head.

My name became a husky moan on her lips. I smiled against her others. I started to move my thumb in and out of her mouth in a languid rhythm. Her lips closed instinctively around my flesh. Her tongue slipped along its length as her teeth teased the skin.

"Lie down." I commanded. She did immediately. "Good girl." Now to reward her good behavior. I moved my free hand under her lower back and arched her hips up to me.

I placed my mouth back on her. She moaned again and I considered chastising her for not screaming for me like she was supposed to. But then I was making it hard for her to do anything but moan with my rapidly plunging thumb that she was sucking between hungry lips. And I would have had to move my lips from her flesh and I was not capable of doing that just yet. She tasted sweeter than anything I had ever felt on my tongue.

"Hold on to something." I growled as she started to feel her pleasure build inside of her. My hand ran up her sides and teased the flesh of her sides and stomach. She was not able to stay quiet any longer. Her teeth were biting down on my thumb now and the sting felt so good. Her tongue was making the flesh throbbed as she moved it in tandem with her hips rising for my tongue.

I used everything- my teeth, my lips, my fingers, my tongue- god she loved my tongue. Soon she was in a frenzy. Her legs vibrated on either side of my head. Her hips bucked up to take everything I could give her. I could feel her constricting before she realized what was happening.

Her mouth opened and my hand fell to her chest limp—"Tiger Man!" She screamed. I bite her hard on her inner thigh as she let the wave crash over her.

I watched her with my chin on her lower stomach and my hands cupping her ass, as she fell over the edge. Her goddess face was contorted in painful pleasure. Her mouth was open and the sexiest whimpering moans escaped her as she arched her succulent neck back in release. Her hands were white knuckled as they gripped the headboard above her.

Beautiful. Perfect.

I ran my hands up her sides and cupped her breasts. Her eyes were closed. Her teeth trapped her lower lip as she felt my hands on her chest.

She moaned again.

_MINE_. I thought squeezing the perfect orbs. She arched her chest into my touch. How easily her body opened for me. She wanted this. She needed this. She had spent too many years with men who just took from her- she deserved... required a man who would give her what she needed. Whether she asked for it or not.

"What time is it?" She whispered. I had to laugh. She was pressed back against my headboard like a sex goddess. Her eyes were closed and her cheeks were flushed. But she was casually asking for the time.

"Seven." I said planting a gentle kiss on her red flesh still in front of me.

Suddenly she scooted back and I was left kissing air.

"SEVEN!" She screamed and jumped out of my bed. "Shit. Shit. Shit! She's gonna kill me!"

She flew out of the room and into my private bathroom. I rolled my eyes. Right. Esme and her sudden mood swings. I had forgotten about those.

I laughed sharp and leapt up myself. The woman certainly knew how to compartmentalize situations in her life. I slid on some grey sweats and a plain black tee.

Her little head popped out of the door. I could hear the water running and steam was drifting around her pale face as she spoke.

"Clothes?" She asked scrunching her brows together. I smirked. She was so fucking cute.

"I'll get them." I assured her. She smiled sweetly and closed the door to return to her shower. I ran down stairs and to retrieve our clothes. I was actually thankful that she had to leave. It forced us to pick up the pieces of reality. I found her bra under the head chair in the dining room and was thankful again that the kids were all away last night.

Her shirt was destroyed but she could borrow one of mine. I collected everything I could find... something seemed to be missing. I shrugged. She came back in to the room as I reentered it. "Here you go milady." I said handing her the pile of discarded clothing.

"Dad?" J was back.

Like two teenagers all over again we stared at each other for a moment with wide eyes. What the hell were we worried about? We were grown ass adults for crying out loud! "Get dressed." I told her. "I'll distract her."

I thought I heard her whisper my name as I fled the room but I could hear J on the stairs and one child with the image of my naked neighbor was bad enough. J wouldn't react to her form quite the same way that I saw in Jazz's eyes last night but she didn't deserve to be put on display.

"J!" I called breathlessly from the landing.

She was leaning against her door looking for me. "Hey dad!" She had her hands in her pockets and what looked like a smirk on her lips.

"Breakfast?" I offered and nodded toward downstairs. I caught a sight of Esme exiting my bedroom as J and I headed down to the kitchen. I put my arm around J's shoulders for some kind of twisted support. She was like a lifeline to reality for me right now. I had all but forgotten Carlisle Cullen in the brief hours I spent with my dream girl last night.

"Rough night?" J said jerking her thumb towards the frozen dinner scene on the dinning room table. Shit. I forgot all about that too.

J let a little sharp giggle out but recovered quickly when I threw her the daddy look. But then I stole a glance of my self in the foyer mirror as we passed it. Fuck! My hair was practically standing on end. My lips were swollen and… was that a hickey on my neck right under my ear?

I rolled my eyes.

I shoved J through the kitchen door with an inglorious push and waved Esme to the door. She flew down the stairs—graceful as ever. She smiled her kitten smile at me and was gone.

Fuck.

I slammed my forehead against the door as I prepared myself to return to my world without fantasy. I sighed and entered the kitchen. I was met with three curious pairs of eyes. My kids were sitting around the island holding apples. Alice took a bite of hers to try to hide her smirk. Jazz cast his eyes to the right and shifted his weight with discomfort. And J planted her feet like Emmett did when he was getting ready to block a forward pass.

"How was last night?" J pried. She raised an eyebrow at me.

"Fine…" I stalled—shrugging my shoulders. Jazz huffed a half cough half laugh. Alice chewed her apple with a curious expression—like she was trying to figure out a complex math problem.

"Just fine?" J asked folding her arms over her chest. I mirrored her pose and scowled at her.

What the hell was she getting at? Had Jazz told them what he saw? I doubted it. They would have barged into my room first thing this morning to see her. I would never have been able to get her out of the house undetected.

"Why?" I asked skeptically.

J shrugged with an innocent smile dancing on her face. Alice flushed and bit her apple again. Jazz… well Jazz and I were going to have to have a talk. I could see the glazed over look in his eyes that told me I wasn't the only male who appreciated Esme's body.

"Juice?" J asked as she turned from the open fridge door. I nodded.

"Thanks." I said. I sat on the open stool in front of Alice.

"Eggs?" J asked. I nodded again and unfolded the morning paper.

I scanned the top headlines and took a sip of juice. "Thanks," I murmured absentmindedly.

"Thong?" J asked. I leaned back as a black lacey pair landed on the newspaper in front of me.

Fuck.

Esme's underwear. That is what I hadn't located earlier… Fuck.

I looked up into the eyes of my three idiot children.

"Okay," I said rolling my eyes. "It was better than just _fine_."

I picked up the underwear and put it in my pocket like it was my wallet. I went back to reading the paper without another word regarding the article of clothing, or the R rated events of last night and this morning.

"Sunnyside up," I said plainly as J went back to frying the eggs.

-**-Bookends-**-

**BPOV (five minutes later**)

Where the hell was she? _She promised_! She knew how important next week was for all of us. Fuck! She knew how important it was for me to do what I had to do today! I needed her to be here right now!

"Bella!" she hollered when she rushed through the back door.

I was prepared to tear into her. My mother was not my favorite person these days for so many fucking reasons but I was so ready to just let her have it for making me wait. But when I turned the corner of the living room and saw her… I was robbed of the words.

She looked… fucking _happy_. She was fucking… _glowing_.

"Hey," She said and rushed over to me. She was out of breath and her cheeks were flushed. She hugged me warmly and kissed my temple. "Let me go change and I'll be right down. Okay?" She started up the stairs. I stood like the feeble village idiot that I was—my eyebrows raised and my body frozen. "Did you get the receipts?" She threw over her shoulder.

I nodded like a dumb mute. My eyes spread wider when she smiled. I don't think I've ever seen my mom smile like that before.

"Ten minutes!" She promised and was off to her room. "Morning Em!" I heard her call.

Em was dragging his sorry ass out of bed at an unusual hour this morning. His curly hair was shoved up on one side and his red eyes were barely open. I noted how wide they spread when he looked toward my mother's voice.

He scratched his butt as he ran down the stairs to stand beside me. "Who the fuck did she fuck last night?" He asked glaring at me.

I blinked- still fucking blank. My mind was starting to thaw at his words though. Understanding dawned and I flushed as I thought about it. I rolled my eyes and shot him the look—the _"duh big brother"_ look.

"Oh…" He said smirking and nodding his head in approval. "Bet he gave her oral." He said mater-of-factly and headed off into the kitchen—belching fucking obnoxiously.

"EM!" _FUCK_! I screeched. _Eww_… like I needed that image. Kids should never have to even imagine the grown ups in their lives having sex. It was just disgusting. _Bluhack_! Mom with Dr. Cullen's head between her legs was hardly something I wanted to picture first thing in the morning.

I had barely gotten a handle on the fucking throwing up thing this week. That was settling down but I was afraid it was at the cost of my relationship with food. Everything that I tried to eat anymore was making me hurl—or want to hurl. I caught a whiff of Em frying bacon and I covered my nose. Fuck. My guts were turning sharp. I ran to the couch and picked up the garment bag and my purse.

"I'll be in the car mom!" I yelled and fled the smell for the fucking fresh air outside.

It was raining—hard. _Appropriate_. I would expect nothing less on the day that I was returning my dreams unopened. I laid the dress reverently in the backseat. It was a little fucking heartbreaking to me. I was never really the romantic little girl who wanted to go to the prom. But since I had a fucking prince charming by my side I had wanted to show him off.

Fuck. I missed the shit out of him. I hugged my arms around my chest while I waited in the car. The rain was falling hard on the roof. It was doing very little to soothe me these days. The rain just reminded me of the passing of time. Each droplet was a memory I was missing out on with Edward. Thousands of moments. Millions of wasted breaths. I hated being reminded of all the time I spent alone.

I smoothed my hands over my stomach. My body was rebelling against our separation. I felt like I was being turned inside out these days. The tears were flowing heavily before I knew it. A strangled sob tore from my lips. I brushed the traitorous streaks from my cheeks. No one could see me cry. That shit got back to Edward and he didn't need a constant reminder that I was a fucking weak mess without him.

By the time my mom got in the car I was pulled together. "You sure you want to take this car?" She asked. Mom was always apprehensive about the Volvo. Edward and Dr. Cullen both were adamant that I keep it while Edward was gone. This bitch was a kindred spirit with me. I was never going to not take this car. It was the only fucking routine I had left that was anything like what I had with Edward. The car still ran the same—looked the same, smelled the same. Of fucking course I was taking this car.

That was the look I threw at her. She just sighed and nodded.

The drive to PA was quiet. There wasn't much for me to talk about. I just didn't want to be alone…here. If I ran in to Charlie I was going to flip out. He had been making grumblings lately that he wanted us to visit him again. Okay Renee had been begging me for us to visit—she missed us. But Em had a really big conversation that he had to have with him. And he preferred to wait until after graduation to have it. But when J pressed him to do this sooner rather than later… he gave in. I was just the moral support wagon. _Yay boyee! That sounded like a barrel full of fucking monkeys._

"Are you sure about this Bella?" Mom didn't look over at me while she spoke. She just watched the rain drenched foliage disappear around us.

"Yes." I said with a hollow voice. I had no need for a prom dress anymore. I was not going to the prom. Ever.

She followed me into the store. The clerk gave me my change back and I let my finger trail over the blue satin one last lingering time. It was some fucking stupid childhood fantasy going back on the rack—just like every other stupid fucking wish I made as a kid.

I smiled painfully and fled the store. Mom told me she had some shopping she needed to do. I couldn't stay at that end of the mall anymore—the dress was some threat to my very mental stability.

I ran down to the opposite end of the mall to a little shop that I remembered from another place and time- Another life.

The postcard in the window should have broken my heart—purple flames. Fuck. Edward. I put my fingers on the glass. How fucking metaphorical was that image for my life? Always just inches away from what I really wanted.

Fuck.

There was some movement on the other side of the display but I ignored it. I was lost in the memory of Edward coming to me in my room that night. My prince saving me from the tower. Fuck.

The banging on the glass shook me awake. _Fucking rude_! But the big goofy blond head that was waving at me and causing the noise made me groan.

Renee was saying my name over and over like I was a fucking mental patient who needed to be reminded of who I was.

Fuck.

-**-Bookends-**-

"Bella," Renee said sitting next to me on the bench outside the store. "I'm so glad to see you honey!"

Like it or not I just could never really be adequately fucking angry with Renee. She was just a big kid in so many ways. I smiled at her against my will. I had to admit I had kind of fucking missed her too.

"Sorry about not returning your calls lately…" I bit my lip. "I've been busy." I lied. I found it more suitable than saying you married an asshole and are on my shit list by default.

"That's okay!' She waved her hand in the air between us. She smiled at me again but I noticed that the look wavered slightly—her eyes kind of went sad for a second.

"What's up?" I asked. It was really fucking weird—I had never had a casual conversation with Renee. I had never really cared one way or the other about anything that had to do with her. But when I saw that look on her face, some part of me was touched. Fuck. Renee was just as human as the rest of us, wasn't she?

I rolled my eyes internally. Edward would get a fucking laugh at this! I was a fucking bleeding heart for Satan's mistress.

"Not much." She stalled. She sort of grimaced and looked at me longingly. "I just really can't wait for you to visit next week."

We sat there talking about nothing for a little while. Pretty soon my phone buzzed in my pocket and I headed off to find mom. I didn't tell her where I was. She was holding armfuls of bags when I found her.

"What the hell is all this?" I complained as she handed half of it over to me.

"Language young lady," She scolded. "And I just wanted to make sure you guys were well dressed for the big week. You know how your father gets. And I heard that your grandmother will be there too." FUCK! _Lucifer_ was coming out of hiding too! My grandmother, Aroa Volterra Swan, was evil personified.

I groaned. Now I really just wanted the earth to swallow me whole. I couldn't face that shit without Edward. I wanted his arms around me so fucking tight right now that the circulation was cut off from the blood reaching my brain.

"I know… I know…" My mom agreed.

Fuck. Life fucking sucked hard these days.


	17. Poem Poorly Written

**Bookends By: Bella's Executioner.**

**Rating: M- this means if you're under 16 you are agreeing to break your own ToS by reading this and I'm not your mother so be responsible for yourself.**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is the sole owner of the world of Twilight. She is Bella's creator. I am Bella's Executioner.**

**A/N: Bookends is the very first fanfiction I started writing. It's been on this site, moved and come back. It has errors, fuck ups and lots of proofs that I'm human but it also has all of my heart and soul in it. I welcome you into this world of pain and love and hope that you enjoy. I also welcome your thoughts as you read—pm me or review and I'll be happy to discuss the story with you.**

**Chapter 17: Poem Poorly Written **

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**EPOV (one week later, Seattle)**

I was focused on the keys with a psychotic intensity. I was lost in another Bella memory… a quiet stormy night on a dock by a black lake. A beautiful angel coming to life at my touch.

I smiled as I felt my body grow warm.

It was good memory. The notes were violently cascading up the walls of the small living room. I wasn't worried about annoying anyone today—Saturday. Tanya and Phil both worked on Saturdays.

I stopped and made comments on my notepad. Heaven help me when they wanted me to actually write sheet music this summer. I had never really been that kind of musician. Nothing I played ever sounded the same twice. I shook my head as I refused to entertain my cynical thoughts about my position at the school.

They knew I had no previous training. I had to just trust it would all work out in the end.

_I believe in everything you do Edward_. I smiled wider. My fingers danced over the keys with no real rhythm in mind.

_You're better than any of them_. I never knew that happiness felt this good.

_I love you_. My hands stopped on the keys. My heart was swelling big enough to crack my chest wide open. I clutched my fists tight and hunched over the piano as the emotions surged through me. I couldn't wait to hold Bella in my arms again… to kiss her… to love her—in every way.

Next time I'll do it slow. She deserves to savor everything… Unless she wants to go fast—I won't care so long as I get to do it with her. I was suddenly very nervous—shifting on the bench like I was waiting to go in to the principal's office. I swallowed hard as I thought about the possibility of getting to do that again with Bella.

I closed my eyes—her perfect face above me, seized in extreme pleasure was all I could see. My breath spiked. I could feel my body wanting her—needing her. She opened her eyes and smiled down at me. Peace. Serenity. Love.

My hands unclenched and smoothed over the keys silently. I opened my eyes with that same feeling of calm that was on my dream girl's face.

"Edward?" Tanya called from the kitchen.

I scowled. It was only two o'clock. She was home early. _Damn_. I closed the piano and started to clear my stuff. My ultimate goal the last two months was to be a ghost. I didn't feel right in this house. I had no aptitude to handle the new Tanya.

I really couldn't believe it—she was actually clean and sober. It was Phil. But she never once tried to hide the fact that even she knew that. He was a former counselor who had specialized with rehabilitated pro sports players. But he met Tanya last year and for some unknown reason actually fell in love with her. He was a good guy. He really gave a damn about her… and about her family. But I wasn't the kid he wanted me to be.

I wasn't Tanya's son. I was the little boy she let get abused. I was the five year old who let his dad hit him so she could stop bleeding for one night. I was the ten year old who went Jazz's parent conferences at school and met with his teachers to see how he was doing. I was the teenager who carried her upstairs when she was deposited on the front porch so inebriated that she passed out. I didn't have the person inside of me to deal with family dynamics the way Phil wanted me to.

He wasn't my dad. And she was never a mom. So I was just some dude renting a room till the end of spring. For the first time in all the years that I helped her deal with the crap in her life, I really understood where Bella was coming from with Charlie and Renee. This was a world that was so removed from me—it was emotionally draining to try to exist in it.

And honestly, there was a home and family that I did belong to. I just had to give it up to protect the people I love.

I shoved my stuff in my backpack and turned for the stairs.

"You are here." She said smiling. It was kind of creepy to see her smile. All of my life her smile meant something bad was going to happen to me. Tanya was only ever satisfied when inflicting pain on me. It was something I was hard pressed to amend in my mind even now.

Her smile fell as she took in my unintentional grimace. "Ah… would you join me in the kitchen," her brows raised like some hopeful puppy dog waiting for the kid to choose her at the pound. "Please?" Had she ever used that word with me before? No.

I nodded and shoved my hand in my pocket as I followed her to the table. Fuck. I never liked sitting at this table with her. She used to decide my punishments at this table. I sat with my backpack on my lap and my arms wrapped around it. I didn't touch the table. I hadn't touched the table since the last time she let one of her "friends" slam me against it.

I started rocking unconsciously in the chair. My leg was vibrating up and down. Fuck. Where was Bella?

"Edward?" She spoke quietly. I couldn't look her in the eye. She freaked me out too much.

"Yes?" I said timidly. Fuck. She robbed me of my peace. I just wanted to be back in my room thinking about Bella.

"I'm sorry." My leg stopped jumping and I froze in the chair. I locked eyes with her as her simple statement reverberated in the room louder than the song that I had played moments ago.

I just looked at her in shock and confusion. Non sequitur was a nice way to put it.

"I was an awful mother. And I have no right to even ask for your forgiveness. But I want you to know that I am sorry. It doesn't change anything… except the future." She looked down at her hands. They were white fisted in her lap. She never touched this table anymore either.

There were giant tears in her eyes—real tears. It was something I was, again, at a loss to understand. I had only ever seen my mother cry in terror. I didn't know she was capable of this kind of sadness.

I watched her with a blank face. I shrugged. Nodded once. _Whatever_. I thought. What difference did that make? She should be sorry. I was a total fucking head case because of her.

She stared at me like I was supposed to say something. Fuck! "Umm… 'kay." I said and shrugged again. Like she said—it didn't change anything.

She looked down at her hands again. She reminded me of… _me_. It was the way I squashed my pain when I was confronting Bella… or Carlisle. I shook that thought out of my head.

"Edward… there is so much I need to tell you… I want to tell you. But I don't expect you to ever want to know me. I just want to explain one thing… well, maybe two." She was looking off in the distance like those two things were physically in front of her eyes.

I nodded silently when she looked back at me. What the fuck did I have to lose?

"First, I want you to know that I loved your father. But, and this is what I am most sorry for with you, I never really knew what love was." I slouched back in the chair as I listened. I sighed. I really didn't think I could stand much more of the twelve steps of Tanya today.

"It is not an excuse… but my father was an evil man. I let him control me—the person I became. And there was something of that in your father too. I was so lost for so long…" I looked at her with sharp eyes. I wanted to sneer at her. Her voice was frail and her eyes were tortured. Good. She fucking deserved it. It was nothing compared to what I felt ever fucking day of my entire life.

But then she drew in a ragged breath and wiped the snot from her upper lip. Fuck. She looked just like… like Bella. The room was kind of fucking spinning around me for a minute. I didn't want to see anything of Bella in that bitch! It was bad enough that I could see me there—I was born of that satanic whore. Bella was pure. Bella was good. Bella… was just as fucked up as me.

Tears were threatening my calm now too. I swallowed hard and stared at the yellow flowers on the wallpaper.

"Your father was… he didn't just change with the accident. He was always an asshole." I raised my brows at that without looking at her. She had always defended said asshole with high praise. A little bit of my psyche kind of admired her for coming to that realization.

"But I had a bright spot for a minute… I had my baby boy… I had you." I could feel her eyes on me. Fuck if I cared to see what emotion she was trying out in her eyes now. My foot went back to tapping lightly on the floor.

"I'm sorry. Our life after the accident was… all my fault. I should have left him. I could have left him. Carlisle came to me every Friday afternoon, after he got out of school. And he begged me to come to Forks with him. But I was too proud. Forks was where that bastard was buried. Forks was some hell that I let control me. And I couldn't do it. I begged Carlisle to live somewhere else—we could start fresh together in some other city. But he had his reasons for staying there like I had mine for never going back." I really didn't want to hear her sad story… but that last bit about my almost adopted father was kind of peaking my interest.

"So… number one—I love you." She reached out and took my hand to make her point. I jerked back but didn't pull my hand away from hers. I could hear Bella in my mind reminding me that I was stronger than she was. She did not control me. Bella loved me and I had somewhere else I could go when Tanya hurt me again.

"Please, Edward, believe that. I _know_ I hurt you. I _know_ I allowed you to be hurt in more ways than I can ever atone for. But I love you… Son." I nodded briskly and waited for her to pull away. I would take a breath once she pulled away. I was suffocating with her so close to me right now.

"Second?" I prompted. She said two things—the sooner she got around to the two things, the sooner I could leave.

"Yah," she laughed lightly and sat back. I relaxed visibly with her skin no longer touching mine.

"Jazz is not really your brother."

-**-Bookends-**-

**BPOV (same day Victoria airport.)**

Em was playing castanets with his knees and J was thumbing through the latest Vanity Fair. I was rolling my eyes at every nosy Nellie who stopped to stare at us. Sure we were the oddest trio in the waiting area. What with me dressed in all black—with black spiky hair. And Em was dressed in his best Sean Jean knock off look—while J tried out one of her new cross looks. She actually was quite striking. I had to keep reminding myself not to stare at her. Really, when J got all done up I wondered what the hell she wanted the operation for anyway. She was a woman—a very beautiful and sexy looking one at that. And she and Em had absolutely no problem having sex.

Today she was wearing an elegant sun dress—nice proportioned fake breasts, and a blond wig. The blond was a little hard to get used to. Em had always hated dumb blonds—but then as J had said—"I resent the fact that you think I can't speak, Bells." Those two were fucking made for each other.

"Calm down," J whispered soothingly to Em. My big brother was slouched over his knees in a defensive apprehension. He looked paler than my legs in winter and I could tell his hands were sweating from here. J's hand caressed Em's arm and that seemed to only make Em more nervous.

His eyes shifted as people continued to pass by us and stare with inappropriate curiosity. It wasn't J—she looked like a girl. Maybe a girl who could play for the WNBA, but a girl. It was just the fact that everyone around us didn't seem like they were waiting for the Marshalls to come back out at lead them to their execution. We did.

"Got any film left lady?" I hollered at an obnoxiously rude woman who simply sneered at the three of us. "Take a fucking picture and move on bitch!" She huffed and stalked off.

"Bella…" Emmett growled. He was so freaking nervous that he couldn't even get adequately angry with me. He just looked on edge. Fuck. This was not going to go well. I deserved a fucking purple heart for all that I did for the men in my life!

"It's going to be okay Em," I offered. I met J's eyes over Em's now hand covered face. She looked really worried—Em was never this out of character. He was the cool, carefree one. Shit. He was going to fucking chicken out.

"You are not going to fucking chicken out!" I threatened with venomous lips.

J smirked when my brother sat up and glared down at me. Good. The bear needed to come back out before the jerk got here.

"Fuck Bella! You don't know shit about it."

What the hell did that mean? I knew everything about it! I even fucking knew what the constant judgment was really like from that prick of a father that we shared.

"Emmett!" J scolded. She looked just as perplexed as me.

"Fuck you!" I said standing up so that our eyes could be level.

"There you are!" Renee's shrill call alerted me to the fact that our words were not missed by our welcoming party.

"Come on," J said and shuffled off ahead of the two of us. Satan and his wife were waiting for us with deadpan faces.

Fuck.

-**-Bookends-**-

It was a long night. Dad never really looked at J. Em never really spoke to dad. Renee kept showing me pictures and telling me anecdotes. And I was just eternally thankful that Nessie and Runny were visiting Renee's parents for the entire week.

It was hardly subtle—they were gone for a reason. And I should have guessed what that was. When mom mentioned old battleaxe Aroa coming in to town I should have known to warn J to stay behind on this one. This wasn't a trip for divulging secrets… this was a trip regarding Emmett's eighteenth birthday.

That was the big one. The one where Volterra-Swan decided your fate with the family estate. I never thought we would be included in her will. Fuck if I cared what she wanted to leave me. Her dying was enough of a prize for me. _The way that bitch used to treat my mom_…

"Bella," Renee said again. I couldn't fathom why I was still humoring her.

"Yah?" I mumbled with mashed potatoes stuffed in my cheeks.

"Please say you'll let me take you to the lake house. You'll love it! And," she turned with a bright warm smile that almost made me smile. "You'll have to come too J, dear." Renee put her hand on J's with no hesitation.

It was yet another twisted fucked up turn of events—explaining J's presence on the trip. It was failsafe for Emmett. Just in case he was too afraid to follow through. We said that J was in PA for reasons relating to her procedure and since she was a close family friend we offered for her to stay with us. The fact that Charlie acted like she didn't exist at all was no real surprise. I really couldn't find the energy to hate him even more than I already did—there was no such thing as a stronger hate than that.

I thought of Edward's face when he told me he had to go back to live with Tanya. Tanya. I was wrong—there was such a deeper emotion of vicious hatred. I funneled that new anger toward my father now.

"Of course," J said nodding her head. She smiled warmly right back. I had to laugh to my self. That girl really was the strongest person I ever met. Nothing really ever fazed her.

"So Bella," I dropped my fork as I turned with an open mouth, still filled with half chewed mashed potatoes, to look at my father. "What are your plans this week?"

I couldn't believe it. He was fucking talking to me. Like… like a normal human being. Like I actually existed. This was the motherfucking Twilight zone.

Em glared at me when I couldn't respond and that made me snap my moth shut and chew. I just shrugged and went back to focusing on my meal.

Awkward can't even begin to describe it.

Later that night I was getting in to bed and saw that I had a text message from an unknown number.

_You okay?_ It read. It was signed Jazz. I had to smile. My surrogate Edward.

_Yah… how bout you? You and Al? _

He sent me back the frowny face. It made me frown. Alice had been a little torn up the other night when she told me they broke up. She spent most of her time in my bathroom and she grilled me on health questions because I was suddenly so sick all of the time—but I could tell she wasn't happy about the split.

_Simperfy! _

_LOL! Shut up and go to sleep—Edward's orders_.

I bristled a little at that. Edward knew better than to order me. Jazz would have to be taught the way of the independent woman too.

It was nice, though, as I relaxed in my foreign bed. Nice to know that someone was looking out for me and concerned for how I was feeling.

-**-Bookends-**-

**EPOV (same time)**

I couldn't fucking believe it. The room was cast in shadows as the sun crept beneath the earth and the day ended. We had been talking for hours. Phil was upstairs enjoying a movie and giving us some "private" time.

I just kept pinching myself. It was bad enough that I had to deal with this alien world she was living in now—but to tell me that my baby brother wasn't my brother… what the fuck?

"I was really fucked up by then Edward… you remember." Fuck yah I remember. Tanya discovered coke that year. I had always been amazed that Jazz was born at all—let alone without any proof of her addictions.

"You were pregnant." I defended. I remembered touching mommy's belly. I remember being told about that that was a baby growing inside of her. I remember daddy kicking her right in the middle of her proud stomach when she wouldn't get out of his way to the bar.

"I lost it." Her eyes were so sad. Fuck. What the hell could that be about? I mean, she knew she was using. She knew he would beat her. Why sadness and not guilt?

"I was naïve enough to hope… hope that that baby would be something new. But I was stupid and I was weak… and I didn't have anyone who would help me." She hung her head. That was around the time Carlisle was going insane to find Mary. Our little family drama had been neglected by the golden savor for that dark period of time.

"So…" I couldn't even ask the fucking question. What the fuck was I even asking? Where did you find the kid who grew up down the hall? Is Jazz really just a shaved monkey who picked up speech really well? WHAT THE FUCK!

"I met her years before that. She was really nice. Nicest person I ever knew. But she was dying. She wanted to have the baby… wouldn't let her husband or the doctors tell her no. I was so fucked up that night. I was eight months pregnant—bleeding. And so fucking high that I thought it was funny."

My guts turned. Just when I thought I could start feeling sorry for the bitch she goes and says shit like that.

"She found me. She took me in. She was rich—that's why I knew her. I begged whatever I could from her all the time. Once… Carlisle…" She shrugged and continued. "She had her own private doctor and practically an entire hospital in her home. They took care of me… took care of… it." My heart flipped when she said that. _It_. _It_ was a child. _It_ was my little brother or sister. Fuck. _It_ was not something that should have just been "taken care of".

Something about the casual way that she talked about losing her child made me so filled with rage. How the fuck could she be so callous? I thought about what it meant to have a child growing in the woman I loved. Thought about how fucking over the moon I would be if I found out Bella was pregnant. Fuck. That child would be a blessing—be the best part of me mixed with the purity of her. Be something so precious that I would never be able to call my baby an _it_.

"But she was dying. She made me promise. Told me she bought my soul with her kindness… told me that her son would become mine. I don't know why. Something about the father never wanting him. And some other stuff that I never bothered to remember. She died two minutes after Jazz was born. And I was put on the birth certificate as the mother. Your father was gone the entire week and you were staying with the neighbors.

When I came home… everyone just believed he was mine. And for a minute… I wanted to try." _Fuck. Don't do it bitch. Don't spout that fucking bullshit to my face. You never tried. You fucking went out of your way to kill that kid too. He only survived because he had me_.

"But now… Now I want to live up to that promise. I want Jazz to have the life she wanted him to have." She pulled out a large manila envelope. It said Hale on the outside in bold black letters. What was that? A name? A company?

"This is his. She wanted him to have it someday. It's… who he is." I scowled at her words. If she had spent half the time being our fucking mother as she did screwing shitheads at the bar, she would have known who the fuck my brother was. This was semantics—legalities. Jazz was my baby brother and Carlisle's adopted son and Alice's one true love. He wasn't some file that Tanya kept shoved in a shoebox for sixteen years.

I took the thing was distaste and shoved it in my backpack. I was turning in to fucking Rain Man in this house. Everything important to me was on my back in this bag and I guarded it with my life.

"Like I said, I love you. I'm sorry. And I want Jazz to be free." I nodded—refusing to ever look at her again. Fucking bitch. I didn't think it was possible to hate her even more than I had before.

"Oh," She said absentmindedly as she left the room. "And Carlisle called. He said to have you call him…it was regarding your adoption and when you can come home." She left the room like she had just given me a phone message from the dentist's office—no big deal.

What the fuck! _My adoption_… did it go through? How? I was a motherfucking Cullen now?... Coming home. Fuck!

I jumped to my feet and pulled out my phone. I was hours away from seeing Bella.

-**-Bookends-**-

**BPOV (next morning)**

The next morning seemed as good as any to visit the lake house. AVS was coming in at 0900 so it was best if Em didn't have his cross-dressing girlfriend sitting in the target range when she got here.

Poor. Em. How the fuck he was going to handle this and telling dad about his life was beyond me. At times like these I wished I was more like Edward—wished that when I put my arm around someone it could put them at ease.

But I was too fucked up for that.

" 'Sup Bells!" J said jumping on my couch as I finished getting dressed. "You got any tampons on you?"

You know out of everything I might have thought she would say to me today… that was totally never anything I would have guessed.

"Huh?" I said like the word was so foreign to me that I needed explanation.

J smirked. "It's part of my cover… I like to carry some on hand in my purse so that if someone sees it to it they have further proof… you know…" She shrugged and the light went on in my attic.

"Oh."

"By the way… when is your usual cycle?" Again with the zinging questions from left field.

"Why?" J had to laugh at my face. Horror, fear and massive confusion were mixed together to spell Bella this morning. Fucking moron!

"Because, women who spend time together tend to have monthlies that line up… it is plausible that we would be starting at the same time… and I could use you as a gauge as to when to have the evidence on hand… so when do you usually start?" Damn this girl thought of everything. I was usually lucky to have tampons on hand when I started. I was such a fucking scatter brain about those things. My period always just seemed to sneak up and surprise me. I had to figure it out by events and landmarks over schedules and calendars.

"Well, I am usually on it when we have quizzes in Spanish… so the end of the month sounds about right. Umm… mom's birthday is the 28th, and I know I have it around then every year. So I'd say the last week of the month… Yah… that sounds right." I nodded like I was a fucking genius for figuring that out.

J's brows were scrunched together like I was the one in drag. "Maybe I'll just go off Al's time table in the future." _Bitch_. "So… that means you've already had yours just a week ago or so then, right?"

I nodded like it sounded right—I was already reaching for the box in my suitcase. I stared at the fresh, unopened box, perplexed. I hadn't opened it. Why hadn't I opened it?

"Earth to Bella?" J said standing next to me and shaking my shoulders. "What's up? You look like…" She started to laugh and then sucked in a sharp breath when she took in my ghostly face.

I was trying to figure out when I had my last period. I was seeing myself throwing up every single morning for two months. I was seeing my breasts growing bigger with no real reason…. And I was seeing Edward's naked cock going in to my body unprotected.

"FUCK!" I said and dropped to my knees.

"Yes…" J said somewhere far away from my little world of hysteria. "That is what you did that led to this moment."

I was practically shaking with terror. What was I going to do? I couldn't fucking handle this! Everyone who should or could or would help me was against Edward right now!

FUCK!

EDWARD!

I was carrying proof of what my mother would probably love to call statutory rape. FUCK! I had to start pretending to screw other guys soon—he couldn't be sent to prison for this. FUCK!

"Hey!" J said rocking me in her arms. "This is not the end of the world, Bells. We keep it to our selves right now. Go with Renee this morning—stop by a clinic later today all by ourselves and see where we go from there."

Who the fuck was this woman? J was really the most leveled headed person on the motherfucking planet.

She shrugged when I looked at her with wide fear filled eyes. "Carlisle raised me to be self sufficient. And anyway… I have to get on your good side soon."

I scowled at her words. J couldn't possibly be on anything but my good side.

"I picked out my name last night…" _Okay_? "And you might not like the origin but I think it suits me."

"Hit me with it sister."

"Okay… follow the bouncing ball. Vanessa Rose…" I growled. And J threw up her hands in defense. "Let me finish homicidal pregnant lady! I like the _Rose_ part…. So I played with it. I always liked Alice's name too. You know… cuz it is kind of like my mom's Mary Alice…" I nodded.

"Continue… _Ms. Rose_."

J laughed. "Ms. Rosalie… I even got an E for Em in there." I laughed with her.

"I like it! But not because of all the people that you think it comes from. I like that you chose it. It's yours and it is unique… just like you." There were tears in my future sister's eyes as I finished my defense of her new name.

She hugged me in one of those former Jacob bone-crushing hugs. "Thank you Bella." She said reverently.

"You're welcome Rosalie."

"Now…" She said jumping to her feet. "Let's go face the world together, shall we?"

I took her hand and stole my self for what was to come.

I let her leave the room first. I glanced back at the mirror hanging on my closet door. My fingers gingerly touched my abdomen. Fuck! I could seriously have a part of Edward living inside of me right now.

It was surreal to say the least. I thought about the look on his face when I told him he was going to be a daddy. Thought about watching him hold our child in his arms with the pride and love that went beyond what he felt even for me. And I wanted that dream to come true so fucking bad. This is what I could give Edward. He had given me so much for so long. And I could fucking give him this.

I _would_ fucking give him this!

I had to.


	18. Now late afternoon

**Bookends By: Bella's Executioner.**

**Rating: M- this means if you're under 16 you are agreeing to break your own ToS by reading this and I'm not your mother so be responsible for yourself.**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is the sole owner of the world of Twilight. She is Bella's creator. I am Bella's Executioner.**

**A/N: Bookends is the very first fanfiction I started writing. It's been on this site, moved and come back. It has errors, fuck ups and lots of proofs that I'm human but it also has all of my heart and soul in it. I welcome you into this world of pain and love and hope that you enjoy. I also welcome your thoughts as you read—pm me or review and I'll be happy to discuss the story with you.**

**Chapter 18: Now late afternoon**

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**CPOV (same day)**

I was running my fingers through my hair for the hundredth time that morning. I looked like shit. My eyes were red with deep purple, almost bruises under both of them—lack of sleep… lack of everything...

Lack of Esme.

I sighed and ran my hand down my face.

It wasn't getting any better to be away from her. I hadn't had time to see her since the morning she ran out my door. J was off with Bella and Emmett and every minute that I wasn't terrified of getting some call from her, I was terrified of having to see and talk to Alice and Jazz.

I found out that they had split up. I felt like a prick to admit it but that really had relieved me. I had worried from the moment that I Alice met Jazz that I would someday have to have a serious talk with them. Though I didn't know how. It would mean telling her that she was my biological daughter—and to this day I have never had the guts to do that.

I was sitting at my desk staring at the family photo I had insisted we take last Christmas. All of my kids were with me. I ran my finger over little Alice's face. She was so beautiful—even more so than Mary had been. Mary had had an edgy beauty. She was free-spirited and reckless—and that made her eyes twinkle with a wicked knowing that made her captivating. Sometimes I saw that look in my little Alice. But most times I just saw me. Her blue eyes, my eyes, stared back at me with so many unanswered questions.

"Dr. Cullen?" Trish was standing in the doorway when I looked up. I really shouldn't even be at work right now—I felt like shit worse than I looked like it. I was no use to anyone today.

"Yes Trish?" I attempted to smile but the way her eyes widened told me to cut that shit out because it was creepy. I sighed and went back to looking at the picture.

"Your son is on line one," She turned before I could ask which one.

Some of the girls in the hospital still referred to J as a boy. Though I made a point of correcting them each time. Some of them thought Em was my son—truthfully I had been in the boy's life more than Charlie Swan ever would be. And everyone had taken to calling both of Tanya's boys my sons, which they were—but that left me with four options. I didn't know which one I really wanted to have to talk to right now. I only wanted one thing and she wasn't a son.

I pressed the blinking red light with another giant sigh. I started chanting please be Emmett in my mind, but stopped when I realized that if it was Em that meant there had to be something wrong with J. "Hello?" I asked timidly.

"Carlisle?" Edward. I stood up like someone had kicked me in the ass when I heard his voice. Edward! I had forgotten all about calling him last week.

Fucking hell! The poor boy must have been so confused.

"Hey son," my chest swelled with pride to just the word. To him it might still just sound like a word, but to me I knew it was the truth. He was now officially mine—my son.

"What's up?" His voice sounded weary. Edward was going to be harder than Jazz—much harder. Jazz never really knew Edward Sr. He never knew any father other than his big brother. So it didn't make any difference to him that I was now his legal guardian. He trusted me. He loved me.

But Edward—he has only ever trusted and loved one thing. And I was the guy who officially made him leave her. I made him think I had turned my back on him and sent him back to hell. And though I had a peace offering, I wasn't going to make it much better for him now.

"How have you been?" It was actually refreshing to get to talk to him. The only two times that I had tried before he hung up immediately. Now he was calling me. He obviously understood my message.

"Am I your fucking son?" He said bluntly. Fuck. You had to give the boy credit—he didn't beat around the bush.

"Ye… yes." I stammered. I had to do this delicately. Not just for Edward but for Bella, and for me. For Bella because if Edward didn't handle this the way I needed him to then Esme would cut us both out of the Swan girls' lives forever. And I couldn't have that. I HAD to have Esme—forever. And Bella couldn't live without Edward. The girl was looking pretty bad these last two months as it was. She looked like a zombie without him. I cringed as I considered how he must look without her.

"Explain." Was all I got from him. Good. He was open to communication and not throwing a fit. I was impressed. This was not the same Edward that I had sent away two months ago.

I told him—everything. How I tricked Esme into believing that I was letting his adoption fall through. How I had to make he and Tanya believe that this was the truth because I couldn't risk Esme catching on before hand. And how I really needed him to be strong right now.

"Seriously Edward… how are things? Are you… okay?" I wanted to hug him. It was ridiculous. The boys had grown in to men over night after I took them back to Tanya that last time. When I got the call from Alice that night five years ago I had expected to find shaking little boys in that apartment. Instead I had found grown young men with strong shoulders and hard faces.

But that didn't mean that the fatherly instinct of comforting them would ever leave me. I still got to hold J when she was sad—but then she was girl. She would always need her daddy. I sighed as I continued to stare at Alice's little face and waited for Edward's reply.

"Fine. Phil's… a good guy. And…" I heard a rustling on the other end of the phone. Like Edward was playing with something heavy… something papery of some sort.

"I'm seeing more sides to mom that I hadn't before." _Mom_? Edward had never referred to Tanya as 'mom' before. Though some part of me was snarling over her ability to be that close to him right now while I was subjected to a limited phone conversation—I was happy for the change. It had to mean something good that Edward could let go of some of his hate. But then I ran back through how he said it.

"No cussing." I said smirking. I had called him a liar only once in his life—the only time I truly knew he was bold face lying through is teeth. Edward hadn't cussed when he told me he was responsible for Bella's drug use.

He chuckled. My heart skipped at the sound. I ached to have him home. I wanted to set up a game of poker tonight with all of my kids—ALL of them, Emmett and Bella included.

"Sorry! Things are fucking normal for the most fucking part. I just really fucking miss Bella and I need you to fucking tell me what to goddamn do." I laughed. The boy certainly had a gift with the curse word.

"Stay put." There was that gut wrenching ache again. I heard the silence in the receiver and knew that I was going to have to explain my ass off right now. I hadn't really looked any of the other kids in the eye and explained Esme. But Edward and I were kind of kindred when it came to the Swan women. I really wanted to confide this in him—it was, after all, the entire reason I was begging him to stay away for the time being.

"I slept with Esme last week." _Fuck Carlisle—the boy isn't a therapist! Give him a break. Ease him in to this_. I shook my head at my verbal diarrhea.

"O-kay…" He said gently. "So… you want me to stay away because you have an interest in continuing to do that?" Yep. That's why Edward was the best one to talk to. J would have had questions. Alice would have wanted descriptions. And Jazz would have just felt awkward—shit I didn't have to confide any of this to Jazz, I was mid coitus when he burst into my room.

I rolled my eyes at the memory. I really needed to sit down and talk to that boy.

"Yes. I would very much like to continue to do that. But I can't really be heartless enough to demand that you stay away… It would just be… _easier_ for Esme to… _accept_ your return if Bella were eighteen before you came back." There that was delicate enough.

"Fuck Carlisle!" He laughed louder now. "I thought I was fucking whipped when it came to _my_ girl. Ha! I'll stay away for you old man." My mouth popped open—there were no words for either remark. To anyone else they probably just sounded disrespectful at best. To me it was a very big insight into Edward. He was just a selfless guy underneath everything. He would stay away for me—even after admitting that he lives his life for Bella. Shit. I wasn't worthy to be this kid's father, real or otherwise.

"Thank you, Edward." My voice was deep with the severity of respect that I had for him. For a guy who lived through so much instability and darkness—Edward had a very casual way of showing intense loyalty and love to the ones in his heart. And that one omission told me I was one of them. Hell—I was mentioned in the same breath as his girl, I was in the top two. I swallowed hard against the thump in my throat. This was going to be a very long two months.

"Yeah well… you _are_ old—and you probably haven't been laid in almost twenty years! You're about fucking due!" He continued laughing and I scowled. Would any of my children lay off the dad actually had sex joke?

I couldn't help it though—eventually my lips did twitch to laugh with him. I was about fucking due! I had only been laid like that once before—good and fucking laid. And I know that she didn't remember it. I shook my head again.

"I'll take whatever I can get!" I said and finally gave in a laughed. This was nice. I still had Alice's eyes watching me and I still felt a powerful tugging sensation when I caught sight of the police station from my office window—but I could have this moment of quiet with Edward.

"So… can I talk to Bella?" He voice was filled with that emotion that I was beginning to understand all to well these days—it was the raw power that made me go insane when I saw Esme's body naked and open to me. It was that blood that pumped our hearts.

"Well, that's up to you. Remember that Bella has to survive here without you for the next two months… so however you feel that can be addressed without upsetting her…" I refused to point out how bad she looked these days. I felt responsible for that—for separating them. And I knew this bond with Edward could not be broken over that blame, but I didn't want him yelling at me so soon after we had just come so far to be friends again.

"Right." I could hear the way his hopes plummeted with the sadness in his voice wrapped around that word. Wrong. It was not right—it was wrong. But that was life.

"So…" I really didn't have anything specific left to say. But I was feeling a little bit revived from this conversation—I was almost afraid to let it end and feel my own heart slow to a crawl from the lack of stimulation. "What else is new?" I was anxious to hear what his plans were for Boston. What he was doing with his free days right now since he took the early exit exam and passed with flying colors. No more high school for him. I was hopeful that he was pursing his music and art with the passion that he put into everything.

"Jazz isn't my real brother." I dropped the phone. Fuck! One day—couldn't this family have one fucking day without some sort of secret or crisis! Soap Digest owed me so supreme mother fucking royalty checks for all the drama that swirled around my house.

I sighed and picked up the phone. "Go on." I said without a hint of surprise in my voice. She had never admitted anything like that to me—but it wasn't beyond my baby sister to kidnap someone's kid for drugs.

-**-Bookends-**-

**EPOV (same day)**

I sat twirling my phone on my knee. It was getting pretty late in the day… but I really wanted to talk to her. I was dying to talk to her. What would I say? "Hey just thought I'd call"?

Lame. I couldn't tell her the truth. The truth would mean Bella would be angry. We were dying to be together—my skin fucking hurt just remembering how her touch excited it. But I couldn't come home right now. Bella would just be angry with Esme—and that would just make every angry.

I had to connect with her but not tell her just yet. Two years. Bella wouldn't be eighteen for another twenty eight months. I had a plan—not likely but I thought that it was pretty well thought out. I would be heading off to Boston and I would see if she wanted to come. She had mentioned taking the exit exam. She was ahead in all her classes anyway. She was a senior in units and course work—she could do it if she wanted. But there was the little problem with her being only sixteen by the end of the year. She would have to have special approval from Esme—or emancipate herself or some shit like that. I couldn't force Bella to do that. She deserved a little bit of normalcy for now at least- One less battle to fight.

I would be the bad guy. I would go off to college and wait for her. I would try to make it seem like I am being tough and sticking it out. I mean—shit! This is what was in the books already. We didn't have a hope of her being with me until she was eighteen before. But then, I didn't have this kind of promise before. The kind that said I was someone who could be with her and free of that bitch that haunted me all my life.

I could feel it already—I was letting go of the power Tanya had over me. I was a Cullen—not a Masen. I could do anything I wanted… Just not talk to Bella. Shit.

It would be nice though—that dream of us just running off. We would be an entire country away from our parents and their bullshit and it could just be us and our life and it could fucking work. Fuck. _No it couldn't_. Those were the dreams that Ed and Tanya lived and died by. That was the hope that ran out the door with Mary Alice. That was the divorce of Esme and Charlie Swan. Kids. Fucking kids had no business running off and getting stuck in something so hard so fast. Bella needed to breathe. I could give her that space. I needed to become a man worthy of her first—shit I needed to become a _man_ period.

I clasped the phone in my fist. This was the first step I guessed. Man up Edward. Fucking break her heart a little—to make it a better world in the end. That was real grown up life- Safe pain. I couldn't be with her right now—couldn't risk Esme and Bella losing their relationship over me. Couldn't jeopardize Carlisle's new romance. I could survive the next twenty eight months… fuck. I swallowed hard.

Man up motherfucker… _Why_?

I gripped the phone tighter—WHY! Why did I ALWAYS have to be the guy who gave in? Why was I ALWAYS the guy with the fucking fuzzy end of the lollipop! Why! It was a lot to process—and yet it just all made fucking sense. But still, that rebellious teenager in me shouted that I should be fucking animalistic in my anger toward Carlisle. Why did he have to put this all on me? But then the man in me knew that he was mostly doing this to protect Jazz and Alice just like I was. And he kept in me in the end. Even at the risk of losing his connection to Esme. Fuck—Carlisle and Esme.

I smirked. I could hear it in his motherfucking voice—the way he said her name. He had it bad. Really fucking bad. I could sympathize. I had a Swan of my own that made my body hurt to be away from her. And he has waited more than twenty eight years for her—I could give him two years of my life in return for every second of his that he spent for me.

I sighed. I flipped open the phone.

Man up motherfucker.

-**-Bookends-**-

**BPOV (same day)**

I just couldn't believe it. The summer house—the lake house. It was the one that Victoria and James had rented for the Cullenista party on New Year's Eve. I stood on the front steps terrified to go any further.

Renee was describing the landscape to me in excruciating detail so she didn't notice. But my new watchdog was… well watching me.

J and Em had come on the little trip five months ago too. She totally knew at least part of what was going through my mind. How fucking ironic. I was stressing over the fact that I could be pregnant and I found myself standing at the place where I took my first steps to sexual exploration—the first night Edward gave me an orgasm. Wow.

Renee went to unlock the door and J pulled me aside. In a quiet whisper that only I could hear she questioned me. "Here? Bells, are you telling me this is…"

"God no!" I said throwing up my hands. Yes Edward and I had done enough here to almost get pregnant but… he refused to let me return the favor for five very long months.

"It just reminds me of him you know?" J nodded in agreement. Her face was kind of strained when she looked back at the house too. Em and she were happier back then in some ways. Em wasn't on edge all the time like he was now.

"Come on," I said and pulled her into the house. J followed Renee through the rooms ooing and awing at the appropriate times. I just stood in the little hallway by the bathroom off of the kitchen.

When Edward came out of that bathroom that night—he was a changed man. He went in a terrified little boy who didn't want to admit that he was falling in love. And when he threw me against the wall and kissed me—I was changed too. Of course then we ended up outside… but I knew before then. I knew that he was losing a battle inside of him to not fall head long into this chaos.

A mistake we both made blindly. We were two totally fucked up kids, but we thought that we could handle the intense pressure of this bond we share. I rubbed my stomach as I watched the wind whip the waves. The water crashed against the dock. The weather had been violent that night too.

I flushed as I remembered how fucking good his hands felt on my body.

"Bella?" Renee called behind me. I searched for J—she was no where to be found. I panicked. Not now—you are kind of my fucking life line right now J.

"J left to get something from the store. She said her prescription was running low—I told her where the drugstore was." Sneaking fucking bitch. I smiled. That girl thought of everything.

She could buy the test and then we could figure out if I needed to find a doctor or not. I considered briefly when Renee motioned for me to join her on the balcony that I should maybe tell at least one adult. I could probably trust Renee. She didn't know my mom. She didn't really talk to dad in the sense of confiding things about me—but my throat closed up when I tried to say the words. This baby was something that terrified me—I wanted there to be no fear, but fuck! I'm only seventeen years old. How the hell could I handle this and not be afraid!

"Are you enjoying your trip?" Renee asked as I leaned against the rail beside her. I just smiled and nodded. Fuck—I wanted to be in Edward's arms so bad right now. I just wanted to hear his voice.

I suddenly felt like I had to pee—gross but true. I eyed the bathroom and only half listened to Renee. Then I remembered J and clenched the thought. I wouldn't pee until I had a test stick in my hand. Fuck! My life was going to get so much grosser the next couple of months. Pregnancy was supposed to be the most disgustingly gruesome rearrangement of the female body. Lucky fucking duck!

"Bella… can I tell you something?" I was pulled back to Renee's voice as it grew really serious and very sad. It was that thing that had made my heart sink in the mall the other day. That sound that jump started some emotional need in me that I didn't even realize I had…

Like some… maternal instinct that made me want to protect her and take care of her. Fuck! That was fast! Although I thought back to my years with Edward—to every time I had to be patient with him or support him. Nah! I had been cultivating this for years.

"What's up?" I asked trying to sound interested. Fuck I was such a prick. My mind was in too many different places right now—I just couldn't muster up the appropriate level of caring right now.

"I'm going to ask your father for a divorce." That drew me front and center.

Shit. I looked at Renee. This was the woman that for most of my life I saw as some weak bumbling idiot. She dressed her son in matching outfits to her own. She smiled at every stupid comment that people made that she thought was nice. She tried to be my friend even though I made it abundantly clear that I hated her guts. But there was nothing neither weak, nor idiotic in her eyes right now.

Maybe it was the fact that I saw her relationship with my father as a weakness. Maybe it wasn't until I knew she saw him as a waste too that I could respect her. And maybe it was just because I was growing up and I was learning there were many levels to all people.

"Okay," I said to encourage her to go on. The pee situation was totally forgotten.

"He… he's just so distant." She looked down at her hands. "I don't know. I want to leave, but then there are the kids. I know he'll fight to keep Nessie." Fuck. Don't say that. I bit my lip hard enough to draw blood. Would I always be second fiddle to that little bitch? He never fought for me a day in my life.

"Well, I don't know what to say Renee. I can't tell you what to do…" I spread my hands open wide. I was at a loss.

"God Bella!" Her eyes grew wide. "No honey! I didn't mean…. You don't have to sweetheart! I just…" She shrugged her shoulders and shook her head. "I just needed someone to talk to. Maybe just to say it out loud. I just know that out of everyone who knows him… you… you know what it feels like…" She looked me deep in the eyes then. And I knew exactly what she meant. What it feels like to have him completely shut you out. Damn. I couldn't imagine what it would feel like to have Edward treat me that way. To have Edward just not available and distant.

He was distant and impossible to understand sure—but he was always mine and always there. I could feel him even now. My finger poked my stomach. My insides were knotting from Renee's comments. I didn't have much store in daddies. I didn't much like the idea of mothers too much either. One more reason this pregnancy was freaking me out! I never wanted to be a mom.

I swallowed hard. I could hear the car pull up.

Renee went back to looking out over the water. The wind was still blowing hard and her hair whipped around her face. "Thank you Bella." She said sincerely. I just nodded.

"Bells?" J yelled around the side of the house. "You mind helping me with this?" My mind was spinning to explain it. I wasn't sure we needed full explanation to Renee. As I looked over at her I felt that urge again. This time it said she trusted us with her secret. But I snapped my teeth shut at the thought.

"It's a shot." I said finally. I remembered Em telling me that some of J's hormones had to be injected through a shot and that Em was getting good at giving them to her in the ass. I rolled my eyes as I went inside. Em was all about giving J stuff in the ass—or so his follow up comment had stated.

"Come on," J said holding out her hand to me. I wanted to cry. She was really going to do this for me. I couldn't remember a moment in our lives when I had been half this nice to J. I would change that from now on.

We shoved into the tiny bathroom and J read the instructions. I could only imagine that all girls should do this in a team. How could any woman who needed one of these tests really function enough to read the instructions?

"They just say pee and look Bells!' J announced like I was waiting for the theory of relativity to be explained.

I rolled my eyes. "Easy for you to say." I mumbled. I turned to do the job and looked back over my shoulder. J was watching me intently. It wasn't that she still had boy parts—though that was kind of creeping me out right now. I always wondered if erections were actually that controllable—like did the sight of a naked girl excite them no matter what… but even if she didn't have that to worry about, I still didn't like an audience. I didn't like to pee in public restrooms—stage fright.

I glared at her. J rolled her eyes and sighed. "Bella I have seen many before—I actually find them fascinating." She smiled. She was messing with me. Not cool. She laughed. "Really Bells, I won't look. Just pee. I'll close my eyes."

I was still weary. She closed her eyes and put her hands over her ears. Fuck. I really did need to go. I shimmied as delicately as I could and held the device under me. This was the sickest fucking thing I've ever had to do. Who in the hell came up with peeing on your own hand as a viable test for pregnancy! This was like some scarlet letter or some shit! Oh the girl whose hand smells like urine is probably pregnant! Fuck!

"Eww.." I complained as I felt the stream back splash and hit my thumb. I prayed like hell that I was hitting the thing in the right place. I was not in the mood to do this again!

"I forget," J said smiling with her eyes still cinched tight. "You aren't equipped with precision." She laughed. I really considered punching her with my pee hand. Bitch.

"Here." I said handing her the device it kind of dripped with the evidence of what was just poured all over it. J was not as squeamish as Edward would have been. She took it and laid it down next to the box.

"Five minutes," she said. She shot me an understanding and supportive glance and rubbed my shoulder as I scrubbed up.

I suddenly felt like I could vomit. It was getting really real now. This morning it was just some abstract explanation for why I was not having my period and I couldn't keep food down. Now it was a real fucking little person that my body was growing—or at least it was a real fucking possibility. Shit. I felt my guts clench again.

The stress was starting to get to me a little.

J sat on the counter and I put the lid down and sat on the toilet with my head between my legs. It was the longest fucking five minutes of my life.

I felt like each second was a lifetime. I went over, in painstaking detail, every mistake in my life that led me here. And then I chastised myself for thinking this was a mistake. It was stupid. We were too young—but it was not a mistake to love Edward and I would never make this child feel like they were unwanted. I kept seeing Alice in my mind. I would never make my child feel like a mistake that I would just cast off.

"Two more minutes Bells." J said with a strong voice. She was some rock that I really was pressed up against right now. I don't know what I would do without J… I didn't know what I would do even having her beside me. But I was thankful that I did have her at least.

I wrung my hands over and over. Edward. I wanted Edward. My stomach tightened again.

"Okay." J finally said. I felt like I had aged ten years in those five minutes. I was too shaky to stand. I just looked at J with wide fucking eyes. She nodded in understanding. "Okay." She said again—this time in assurance to me.

She brought the box and the stick and sat down on the floor in front of me. "Let's see."

I closed my eyes tight. I couldn't look. So many parts of me wanted it to say no. I wanted to have some disease that I cold take medicine for and erase the possibility. But then I really couldn't block out the picture of Edward holding our child. Fuck! I wanted that more! I could give him something no one else could. A son—we'd name him Edward. And we would raise him with all the love and stability and peace that we never had.

"Bella?" J whispered. I opened my eyes with a serene feeling in my soul. I was pregnant. I just knew—and I was okay with it. Because I loved Edward and he loved me—and this baby was proof of that.

"Yes."

-**-Bookends-**-

A half an hour later J was going through the gardens with Renee and I found myself dangling my feet in the water. I smiled. It was amazing how quickly it had changed—that total and intense fear to sudden calm and peace.

I rested my hand over my stomach. I couldn't wait until I could feel it kick. It—no him. I would call my baby a him. I just knew that I had little Edward in me right now. I smiled at the thought.

My toes danced in the water. I imagined the first time Edward and I would wash the baby. He would be so nervous—wanting everything so perfect. I hugged my child from outside my body. Edward would be so gentle with him. He would be some miracle to both of us. And that made everything okay. That made whatever shit I had to face now worth it.

I didn't have any other dream now but that picture. I smiled. It was such a beautiful picture.

I was pulled from my musings when my cell phone rang—Edward. My heart nearly burst out of my chest. I could feel my baby pulsing with joy at the thought of his daddy too.

Then I was nervous. Should I tell Edward? Could I tell him? Who should I trust? Reality was a bitch that was slapping me hard. I panicked. If I told Edward there would be shit to pay. I was only a few months along— Edward was due back in Forks on his eighteenth birthday (in two months)—he could find out then. And then we would handle this together. I would be further along by then but I could probably hide it pretty well until then. I didn't turn eighteen for another two and a half years—that was problematic, but we could work something out. I believed that he and I could work something out together. Even if it meant we ran off into Canada together and waited out the nine months. Once I was eighteen and our baby was already here—what the hell could our parents do to us!

Or maybe I could try to talk mom in to the early admissions thing. I was planning on taking the EE in spring. I would be graduated from high school. What more did I need to be thought an adult? If she agreed soon enough I could be off to college in Boston with Edward and no one would know what had happened. We could say we adopted him or something. It could work—as long as I had Edward, anything could work.

That seemed like a good idea in my head. But then I came up with it in twenty seconds. I didn't really have adequate time to think through all the details. I answered my phone before it went to voice mail. I would be as guarded as I could be without making him think something was up.

I remembered the swell of happiness all over again as I heard him speak.

"Hi."

-**-Bookends-**-

**EPOV**

"Hi back." She sounded really happy. Fuck. I missed hearing her sound really happy. I nuzzled the phone. I could almost smell her. Strike that if I ran up to my room, I could mix the potion and smell as close to her as I could get. I smiled. God I loved her.

"So… I didn't know I was allowed to speak to you now." She said- that smile in her voice.

"Well… I hear the town's police chief is a little tied up with medical emergencies these days to really care who talks to her daughter." Bella laughed. Good. I needed to know she was not catching on to my guardedness. I wanted to talk to her so much, but I knew I had to not let the adoption slip.

"How are you?" I asked wishing like hell I could see her in person.

"Okay." She said slowly. What did that mean? Did she feel it—sense it? Did she know I was keeping something from her?

"Bella…" I wanted to tell her. She would understand. She would not risk it and attack her mother. But I couldn't. I couldn't put one more thing on Bella's shoulders. She held so many troubles and worries already. She already didn't expect me back before my birthday. What was one little year in the grand scheme of things?

"What is it Edward?" The worry in her voice was throwing me off. She seemed desperate for me to ease her troubles. Dammit. I couldn't do that. I was going to ask a little bit more from her. Just for the moment. She was strong girl—she could do it.

"I'm not going to be able to come back on my birthday…" I heard her sharp intake of breath. Think of something fast motherfucker. The girl deserves some sort of explanation. "I… I need to go to Boston and get the apartment ready and the school wants me to get started as soon as possible." Fucking pussy way out. Hide behind the school—Bella's one hope for me was that school and the scholarship. She wouldn't question that.

"Right… okay." She sounded so sad. Fuck. It tore me up inside to do that to her. But it was better than her fighting with Esme. Better than us being separated for much longer time by other things—like hate and anger.

"I… I don't know where that leaves us Bella." I wanted to throw up as I said it. I knew where we could be, but she was too young. I couldn't force her to do this. "You still taking the exam?" Fuck! _Way to not pressure her into this Cullen_! The thought of a whole year without her suddenly sounded like a really big fucking deal in the scheme of things, though. And I kind of wanted to let her know that I really fucking wanted her there. Whether I pushed her there or not. "I mean… you don't have to… I mean, I can't see you until you're eighteen you know. So… fuck." _Fucking moron_.

"Yah." She said quietly. "Twenty eight." She whispered.

"What?"

"That means I won't see you for another two years."

"I suppose." I wasn't sure why, but the way she said it made an uneasy feeling creep into my gut. Like time was suddenly something that was very important to Bella. Something that she couldn't let pass by too quickly right now.

"What's wrong?" Sometimes I wished that I could just read my girl's thoughts the way I could kind of do with everyone else. She was impossible to decipher most times though. It's the biggest reason why I loved her but it made moments like this really fucking hard.

"Nothing." I could hear the fake smile in her voice. Big fucking thing.

"Bella," I said with my serious fucking voice. I would walk to Port Angeles right now if I had to. "You promise me you'll tell me if there is something. Right?" I meant it—she fucking knew I meant it.

"Right." She whispered.

We finished our lackluster conversation and told each that we loved and missed each other. But when I hung up I sat and stared at the phone. I got a chill down my spine. Like the next time I spoke to Bella—something terrible would happen.

2 years.

28 months.

112 weeks.

784 days.

18,816 hours.

1,128,960 minutes.

67,737,600 seconds.

Fuck.


	19. I walked alone

**Bookends By: Bella's Executioner.**

**Rating: M- this means if you're under 16 you are agreeing to break your own ToS by reading this and I'm not your mother so be responsible for yourself.**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is the sole owner of the world of Twilight. She is Bella's creator. I am Bella's Executioner.**

**A/N: Bookends is the very first fanfiction I started writing. It's been on this site, moved and come back. It has errors, fuck ups and lots of proofs that I'm human but it also has all of my heart and soul in it. I welcome you into this world of pain and love and hope that you enjoy. I also welcome your thoughts as you read—pm me or review and I'll be happy to discuss the story with you.**

**Chapter 19: I walked alone**

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**EmPOV (Same day)**

I was sitting in her room again- Bella. What did it feel like to be my baby sister? I sat on the floor between her sofa and the wall. From here you really couldn't see much. Just the fact that this room was so not Bella.

Why didn't she change anything in here? This place was like a hotel room. Sure my room was almost identical but it never really mattered to me. I was okay with the look- I never really had any desire to display me on the walls the way that Bella did herself. But then Bells wore her heart on her sleeve too.

I socked the wall for the fifth time in the last ten minutes. _Shit_. I couldn't make fun of her and Edward anymore. I was just as fucked up as any of them- more so in so many ways.

I twisted the ring on my pinky over and over. J. What was I going to do with her? I could hear the grandfather clock in the hallway. Tick, tick, tick... my life was a time bomb set to that clock. Dad. What was I going to do with him?

I looked at my hands- there were scars and swells all over the skin that showed how fierce I was in battle. Emmett. There was the biggest question of all- what was I going to do about him?

_Punch_. A little bit of the plaster broke that time. Good. I always thought Bells should take out her aggression on the walls- maybe it was my turn.

The clock chimed the hour. Two o'clock. Fan-fucking-tastic! Volterra would be here with _The Will_. I sighed.

As I walked out of her room I noticed that Bells' bag was not even unpacked. Why did she always do that? Leave it packed like she wanted to be able to leave a moment's notice. It was insane. But then that was Bells.

I kicked the tampons out of the way- I rolled my eyes as I pictured J carrying some in her purse. Why did it bother me that she was so thorough? Why did I cringe when I thought of someone seeing her with them? That was what she wanted. She was a girl- that's what girls did.

I tried to hide behind the excuse that it was just because there was no game plan behind it—for me. J had had her life planned out when she was little. The minute Alice moved in—Jake moved out. And that first time we…

I shook my head. I gripped the door knob in a tight fist. I couldn't do this. I couldn't look my dad in the eye and admit who I was. I rested my forehead on the door.

_Shit_. Bella was so much better at this. Sure she was a fucking lunatic at times—but it was all out there for everyone to see. She owned it—craziness and all.

I let out a sharp humorless laugh. I thought I was big and tough because I stared down three hundred pound meatheads in chest pads. I looked at the guy in the mirror. His curly hair was cropped short. His chin was sharp and strong. And his clothes were tailored with an air of youthful sophistication. Everything about that reflection said confidence and strength.

But that was all just the outside. On the inside he was someone completely different.

On the inside he was scared shitless. On the inside he was wearing two socks that didn't match and a torn t-shirt. On the inside he was a homosexual with a crossing dressing girlfriend and a secret desire to be a fashion model.

I shook my head and closed my eyes. After eighteen years it was impossible to imagine that guy coming out from inside of me. Stepping out front and center and becoming my identity. He had always just been my secret. My dirty little secret.

J would slap me upside the head for that one. Dirty. The real me wasn't dirty- just un-presentable.

I narrowed my eyes like I was fucking superman and could see through Bella's door and all the way downstairs to the study where the judgment committee would be sitting. Bella thought it was so effortless for me. She had bitched at me for years for it and I just shined her on because I didn't want to break her heart too. Break her heart by letting her know that everyone has problems- that I knew dad was an asshole too. A bleak truth like that made the world a really terrifying place to consider living in. So I let kept it to myself.

But I knew- and it was never easy to be Charlie Swan's kid. Son- shit I wasn't a son. I was a star athlete and a pride patch for him at parties. I was the guy who was quick with a joke and smiled through his pain. And I was the guy who hung his head every night because he couldn't be who he wanted to be.

Today would change all that. Maybe. If I had the guts to follow through with it. The deal was that I knew I was definitely in line for the ransom—Volterra's estate was worth millions and I was the only grandson. I was also the acceptable one. Bella had all but slapped our grandmother on many occasions throughout our life. Don't get me wrong- I wanted to floor the bitch too. Especially when she started going on about mom.

But I bit down on the anger and smiled back at the old cow. Because one of us with some stake in this family's money was better than both of us being out. And I could probably even hide my sexual preference even now, until the old bat dies- if it weren't for J.

Honestly, I probably wouldn't even be gay if it weren't for J. I can't remember a minute of my life that I didn't spend with her. Or think about her. We were best friends as kids and...one day she just kissed me. On the lips- quick and sharp and to the point.

I smiled. She always put a smile on my face. J didn't shit around with problems and worries and thinking. She just did. She just was. And when she turned thirteen she decided that I would just be too. I never regretted it. I loved her- to my bones.

But I couldn't love me.

The guy in the mirror's face betrayed the intense fear that was threatening to kill the guy on the inside. I held out for so long- letting Bells completely be herself. I sat through endless nights of talking baseball with Charlie and missing out on talking about nothing to J on the phone. I even took that creepy little stepbrother of mine to batting practice. And now I was going to throw it all back- give it all up.

My heart was racing in my throat. Sweat was spreading across every inch of my body- but mostly pooling on my upper lip. _Goddamnit_! This was about more than just throwing a million dollar inheritance back in their faces this was about finally admitting who I was.

Mom and Carlisle, Edward and Alice, Jazz and Bella—they all knew. I never told any of them. But they knew. Well… Bells knew long before any of the rest of them. She walked in on J and me in a compromising moment. But even then she was cool about it. They were the people that mattered in my life. And they supported me being me.

But Dad? The guys on the team? The recruiting coaches that came to the games to offer me the scholarships? None of them knew. And I couldn't begin to want to tell them.

I was a selfish bitch when it came to my life with J. I wasn't like Bella. I couldn't just say "he's just difficult" and leave it at that. People would have an opinion about our lifestyle. People who feel they need to comment about what we did behind closed doors. Shit, it's the 21st century and it should be no big deal—but here I was terrified as hell to say this is who I am.

I pulled open the door with a giant breath. I could hear her.

"Well, Charles, that new one is not much better. I am telling you now that the blond bimbo has that look—the one that tells you she likes to play while her husband's away…" I cringed to hear her speak. The venom in her voice never lessened no matter how old she got. Didn't that bitch worry about getting in to heaven?

"At least she acts female at all I suppose. That dyke you married before—she shouldn't have wasted any time with marriage to a man…" I balled my fists. If that bitch said anything about my mother to my face—fuck if she continued with talking about her now—I would knock her fucking false teeth out.

I heard Renee come through the front door. "I'm home." _Shit_. That meant Bells and J would be home too. _What the fuck_! They were supposed to be gone all day. _Fuck_. I didn't want J here when I did this.

I was frozen again. I hadn't even made it to the landing. I couldn't even see the stairs. _Shit_.

"Bella," my father was saying. It was weird. Bells noticed it last night too—I could tell from the way her mouth hung open while stuffed with mashed potatoes. He was acting differently toward her… almost giving her the attention he used to only give me. A more selfish idiot might have been jealous. But I wasn't selfish over my father's attention. I mostly felt bad for Bells to have to deal with it. I was more selfish over protecting J from these bitches. I wanted her to put the drag away and hide behind Jacob for a while. I hid behind Emmett—why couldn't J and Em just be alone and not deal with any of the pain that was going to come along with this?

_Fuck_. "You remember your grandmother?" _Fuck_. He was introducing her like she was a family friend and not his daughter. My body twitched to move—but my feet staid planted on the floor.

"Yah," Bells' voice was more than angry. I chuckled. Maybe she would hit the bitch before I had to. "We met last summer right?" _Fuck_! Bella certainly never felt she had to hide.

"And this is a close family friend," I heard my sister offering. _FUCK! No! Don't put J on display_! My feet started moving then. I walked briskly to the stairs—but I pulled up short. "Rosalie." Bella said.

I stopped. My brows knitted in confusion. Who the fuck was Rosalie? I peeked around the corner and spied the new "family friend". I could only see her from behind. But her ass was nice—for a girl I supposed. She seemed a little on the tall side. But then I liked women with height. Bells and mom were short but I wasn't interested in finding either of them attractive. Rosalie wore blue jeans and a red shirt—fitted but lose. She had blond hair—that was pulled up into a ponytail. But her skin was a dark, almost mocha shade. She wore black boots—FUCK! I recognized those shoes.

I bought them for J last Christmas. I was standing on the bottom step before I realized that my girlfriend was talking to my grandmother. My girlfriend! She fucking changed her name while she was out today?

Bella spied me out of the corner of her eye and grimaced. Renee must have wanted to make it home early. I couldn't blame her—no one should have to face Volterra alone.

"Emmett," she said noticing me over J… _Rosalie's_ shoulder. The red clad shoulders in question stiffened minutely. No one else in the room probably noticed, but my baby's body was something I had a lot of practice watching. She didn't turn to acknowledge me. _Fuck_. She was giving me an out. No one here was told that she was my girlfriend. Everyone knew she was Jacob Cullen—but no one knew that she was mine. And by introducing herself with her future name and by not turning around and giving me a hello kiss—she was silently saying it's okay. Just do what feels right—and don't kill yourself over me.

_Fuck_. I would never deserve this girl.

"Would you like to accompany me and your father in to the study?" Damn. No wonder it was impossible to ever like Charles Swan—his mother had no heart. All business with these people. I leveled the hundred year old cow with my best Bella impersonation, squared my shoulders and crossed my arms over my chest. With all the strength that my "practically a man" mother gave me, I leaned forward and glared down at her.

"No." I said flatly through tight lips. Bella's mouth popped open. And I think I might have even caught a smile of respect from Renee. I put my hands on Rose's shoulders and spun her around. She was smiling big at me as I leaned in and crushed my lips to hers. My heart was hammering in my chest and I was sure I would throw up in the next five minutes. But I could breathe in her scent—and that calmed my nerves. I leaned back from the kiss and looked deep into her eyes. _I love you_ they said. I winked at her.

"Bells," I said turning to my sister. She had so much fucking pride shining in her eyes that I wanted to cry. "Go pack your bag." Ironic—she was already packed. I turned back to Rose. "Go call your dad." I whispered. She shook her head. I glared at her. She just planted herself next to me and took my hand in hers.

"I'll stay right here if you don't mind." She said simply.

I looked back at my father. There was not the surprise I expected to see in his eyes. In fact… there was nothing on his face. He was stone. _Fuck_. My heart beat against my ribs like I was being killed. In a way I was—the old Emmett was dying. Em was taking his place. Rose squeezed my hand in silent support. I nodded without looking at her. Only one more thing to do and then we could leave. I turned to Volterra.

"I'm in love with this girl. I don't need your money. You can burn it in hell when you get there. But I am not giving her up just to have it."

"Fuck yah!" I heard Bella shout from upstairs. I rolled my eyes.

That ancient bitch raised her chin at me. Her lips were a thin lethal line of judgment. _Fuck_. Rose had to lean into my side to keep me upright. "I guess I should have expected no less." Her voice was slow and cold and heartless. Just like she was. "You were raised by a sexually confused mother." I snarled at her words.

Rose was even tensing up to defend mom. I towered over the bitch—ready to say something. But then a fist flew in front on me and collided with that hag's face.

My shocked eyes turned to see Renee messaging her knuckles. She was breathing harder than even me. And she fixed dad with an evil look. "That was for my step kids." I never imagined that I would actually feel pride from hearing her call me that.

"And I want a divorce."

Fuck.

-**-Bookends-**-

**JPOV (same day)**

It was really pathetic. I was washing the dishes alone and contemplating changing my sheets for another load of laundry after this. I rolled my eyes as I scrubbed a stubborn stain.

"Hey son," Carlisle was at the back door when I turned. I was not having the easiest time calling him dad. I still thought of him as my uncle. It was weird. You spend your whole life knowing who you are and believing in the things that make you, you—and now I had some other piece to fit into my identity. Weird.

"Hey," was all I could say. I pulled the plug in the drain and watched the dirty dish water disappear. If only everything were so easily cleansed from the world.

"So…" his voice betrayed his uneasiness. I rolled my eyes at the remaining suds. I really had hoped he wouldn't want to have "the talk". But then, I did walk in on him having sex. It was only fair to let him get his feelings out.

I turned to him with all the innocence I could muster. Tanya had had sex on the living room couch almost everyday of my childhood. There really wasn't anything about a female, or even male, naked body that I needed to be clued in on. The respectful and loving way that they were touching each other was something foreign and intriguing to me though. But that was a habit and I hoped that I would learn to operate with it in my own life.

"I would like to talk to you about what you saw the other night." He sat at the island and motioned for me to join him.

I nodded as I took my seat. "I would like to formally apologize." I cleared my throat. Suddenly I was a geeky kid who had to admit he saw a grown woman's boobs.

"You didn't do anything intentional, it was an accident." Carlisle's entire being screamed kindness and understanding. His eyes were almost laughing at the awkwardness of the moment. It made me curious.

"When was the first time you saw that?" I asked rashly.

He laughed. "It actually was on Esme's parents." I raised my eyebrows and he laughed harder. "I used to spend a lot of time at her house growing up," his face grew slightly troubled for a minute. I often had to remind myself that Carlisle had a past that was not that different from mine. "And I thought Esme would be home early one day. They were actually in the kitchen." His eyes were a little glazed at the memory. "Esme gets a lot of her body parts from her mother." His voice was a little breathless as he said it. He looked like he was almost in a trance as he did too—I wasn't sure if he was remembering her mother or Esme's body at that moment. But perfectly shaped breasts were clearly on his mind.

"Listen," I said raising my hand and bringing it on to his shoulder. "It doesn't make it weird for me. I may have a hard time looking her in the eye for a little while but that is pure embarrassment." I assured him. He met my face with a skeptical look. "I promise, Car… Dad. I really only have one girl on my mind. And it's not Ms. Swan." He frowned at that.

I knew. I knew that Carlisle had hoped that Alice and I would break up. It wasn't something I understood. But he would tense whenever I held her hand. Or when he would walk in on us making out—his disapproval would be all over his body language. I figured it had to do with her being his daughter. Fathers were protective. I was a teenage boy even if he did know me so well. But I wasn't completely sure. Sometimes it just seemed that it had something to do with the fact that we shared the same last name. Neither of us were born Cullen, but I think it weirded him out that we wanted to be together though we were in theory cousins.

"Jazz," his fatherly voice was back front and center now. His hand moved to my shoulder. "You know that I am always here for you. Whatever, whenever.." His eyes grew dark. "Well, maybe not whenever all the time—check with me first—but you know what I mean." I laughed with him and nodded. "Good." He slapped my shoulder.

It was a nice moment. But then, Carlisle had always been a dad to me. I didn't have a basis for comparison like Edward.

The phone rang. I answered while Carlisle headed up stairs to change out of his hospital attire.

"Cullen house?" I said. Everyone else just said hello—that just didn't seem like enough information to me.

"Hey Jazz." Bella sounded happy. Good. It made my heart a little lighter to know that she was. I was appointed to be her glee club while my brother was gone. Happy meant I was doing my job.

"Well if it isn't little Bella Swan, what's up?" She laughed and I could hear shouting in the background.

"Tell your dad that we are ready to come home whenever he wants to come get us." More shouting and something crashing.

"What the hell is going on Bella?" I was more than a little worried at the noises in the background. We all knew what Em was planning to do on this trip.

"Oh, you know." Her voice was strained. For the first time I heard the stress. The happiness was masking a very deep rooted stress in her body. I would handle that when she got back her too. "Em kissed Rosalie. And Renee wants a divorce. My grandmother is threatening to sue… and for once I'm the only one with a leveled head and no sign of a temper." I had to chuckle while she giggled. It sounded like a soap opera showdown… wait.

"Who is Rosalie?"

"Oh, that's J's new name. Clever huh?"

I nodded to nothing. I liked it. I think it would suite my new adopted sister.

"Carlisle!" I shouted. He came down to the kitchen in his casual clothes. "Bella says they are ready to come…" he grabbed his keys and was out the door before I could finish. I sighed. "He's on his way." I stated.

"So," I sat back down at the island and prepared all my questions in order. "Tell me about your trip."

Bella laughed and started at the beginning. I had a feeling with the way she described the airport arrival- this was going to be a very interesting story.

-**-Bookends-**-

**BPOV (two days later)**

Dr. Cullen had been waiting for us at the airport. Rose had complained that she didn't want her daddy making some big show at the house by picking her up. But now we all kind of wished that he had been there.

Dr. Cullen would have stood up for us. He would have shielded us from my dad's harsh words. I wanted to wrap both of them in my arms and promise them that everything would be okay. But I needed that promise right now too. In some ways more than they did.

Tomorrow they would still be a super couple with each other to lean on through the shit that gets slung on them. In a few weeks they would both be over eighteen and they could be considered mature adults who get to choose their lives. And in seven months they wouldn't have a whole new life sleeping in their arms that they would be responsible for.

I was all alone for the next two years. Phone calls and letters were the only support I could get from Edward.

I couldn't be mad at him. He didn't know. And I couldn't just drop it on him right now. Not after talking to Jazz last night. Jazz. It was really weird. I went from Alice and Edward being my right and left arms to Jazz and Rosalie being my replacement limbs.

Jazz was like a really good therapist for me. He just listened and offered an objective view of what was going on in my head. He also had a way with emotions like no one else I knew. He could find the truth straight to my heart and tell when I was holding something back. That's why I told him.

He would keep it from Edward for as long as he could. But he had to know about the baby. He already could tell something had changed in me. And now I knew it was a maturity that I was hardly even aware of. It was reality—the fucked up part of it that was life. At first I was excited and childish to believe that this baby would be some miracle that Edward and I would just have and it would be great.

Then I got his call. Fucking reality it me in the gut with that. Really—I had felt hard cramps in stomach from the moment he told me he wouldn't be coming home. Fuck. They were hitting me again right now. I was sitting in the front seat of Rose's new Rabbit and worrying my hands together at the results. She had taken me to a clinic in PA. It felt like I was driving in circles these days. I had no sooner gotten home than she kidnapped me and drug me back to Port Angeles.

"So, that means November?" She said as she drove. I shrugged my shoulders. What the fuck was I going to do? I couldn't tell my mom. I couldn't even tell Dr. Cullen. He would have to tell my mom.

I was sixteen. There was no way that me being pregnant wouldn't spark a criminal investigation. I started running through the names of guys in my life that I could pretend to sleep with. Maybe if mom thought Mike was the dad… Fuck. There was no way in hell that I could picture myself with Mike fucking Newton. I didn't want to picture myself with anyone but Edward, especially with this baby. I wanted nothing more than to be happy about this baby. But reality was a fucking bitch. And it was slapping me hard. Just like it always did.

"Bella?" Alice asked from the backseat. I sighed. It was impossible for me to accept that she was here too. But then, she figured this out long before any of us. She knew the minute Em told her I was throwing up.

"Yah Al?" I watched the rain beat down on the windshield. Fucking rain! It would be nice if it was useful for something—like washing away your worries. I'd stand out in it for hours if I thought I could make some good come from this moment that I found myself in.

"What are you going to do now?" Her voice was meek and sad. I knew what she thought I would do. Put the baby up for adoption. That was not an option. "Please Bella… just promise me that… if you can't… if you won't…" I looked over my shoulder at her. What the hell was she trying to say?

"Alice." Rose's voice was stern and hard. I looked her in fucking confusion too.

"Just promise me that you will not have the baby before you will give it up." I looked back at her, baffled by her words. What the fuck did that mean?

"What?" My mind couldn't make sense of the words. Not have the baby instead of give it up? What?

"She means abortion, Bells." Rose's voice dripped in hatred around the word. My mind shut down when I heard it too. How the fuck could I ever do that to my own child?

I glared daggers at Alice. How the fuck could she think I would ever be capable of such a thing?

She glared back at me. "There are worse things than dying before you are born Bella. Believe me." I jumped back from her words like she struck me. Fuck. I knew Alice had a hard childhood. But I couldn't imagine what kind of life would make you feel that death was a better alternative.

"No." I said quietly to no one in particular in the car. "I want this baby. I just need to think about what that will entail."

"Well," Rose said turning the defroster on since I was breathing heavier these days. "You know whatever it is you have us beside you in it." I nodded.

"I know. Thanks." I looked down at my hands. They were clutched around my stomach. I wasn't showing yet—but I probably would be soon.

"And you know that Edward will fight across fucking hell to be there too Bells." I pretended not to hear Rose's truth. He would be here right now, preparing to take me across the Canadian border or some shit to protect me.

I wanted so badly to be able to lean on him right now. But it wasn't fair to him. He was starting the academy. He was getting a leg up at a better future than his fucked up past. And for the first fucking time in his life—he was looking forward to it. He was content. And if believing that I was fine here without him was doing that then I could fucking do that for him. My mom married my dad because she was pregnant with Em. I believe from what I've heard, Dr. Cullen married his wife because she was pregnant with Rose. I could do this alone for as long it took for Edward and me to decide on what kind of future we wanted or needed. But I wouldn't force him into anything simply because I was pregnant and scared.

"Bella?" Alice asked as I rested my head back on the seat.

"Yah Al?"

"When are you going to tell him?"

I sighed. I had no idea. My stomach cramped again.

They dropped me off at the front of my house so I had less of a walk. I rolled my eyes when I got out of the car. I wasn't even that pregnant yet. This secret was not going to stay that way much longer with these two idiots acting like this.

"Hi honey!" Mom said when I came into the house. I smiled and nodded my hello to her. She was at the kitchen table paying bills. I pretended to head up to my room but instead I hid around the corner and watched her.

How did she do it? All on her own—my mother was a fucking superhero! She just had all the answers. Sure she made mistakes but she raised Em and me without anyone to help her. She put food on the table and a roof over our heads. And she didn't need anyone to do it for her. I noted the way she held her head. Strong and sure. I automatically set my chin to mimic hers. I would have to watch her more carefully now. There was some secret hidden in her genes that I needed to tap into right now. Pretty soon that would be me. A single mother. A woman raising her child all on her own.

I grabbed the newspaper and went to my room. I started looking at the help wanted ads. I would need to get a job, and fast. I wanted to be able to be totally self sufficient when my child was born. It was only right—it was time for me to stop being some fucked up whining child. I was adult enough to get pregnant. I needed to become an adult period.

When I closed the door I saw an ad for Mike's mom's store. I dog-eared the page. I wasn't looking as I walked over to my bed and flopped down. But eventually something green and flashy caught my eye.

I looked up and gasped. My prom dress was hanging on the back of my closet door. There were tears in my eyes as I walked over and ran a shaky finger across the beaded bodice.

My mom was a superhero.

There was a soft knock at my door. "Bella?" My mom's muffled voice asked.

"Yes?" I choked.

She pushed open the door and peeked around at me. "I know that Edward can't be here," her eyes were apologetic about that fact. I sniffed and nodded sadly. "But I couldn't bear to see you give that up." She nodded toward the dress.

I was instantly calculating the new price of the dress. I had bought it on sale—but when I returned it the prices had been jacked back up. Mom must have spent most of this month's check on it.

"I'll pay you back for it mom." I promised. I looked around my room for my purse. I couldn't give her all of it this month. But I would give her what I could.

"Bella," She was standing behind me and putting her hands on my shoulders. "Bella, please. You don't have to worry about it sweetie." My tears were flowing by the time she put her hands on my cheeks. I couldn't do this. I couldn't be her. My kid would be more fucked up than I was.

"Oh honey," She hugged me as the tortured sobs broke free. It had been so long since I let my mom hold me like this. So long since I felt I needed her to reassure me. I felt guilty for that. Felt guilty for the fact that I had pushed her away so hard, and now I couldn't even take advantage of the love she was offering me.

"Thanks mom." I whispered when she pulled back to look me in the eyes. I averted mine back to the dress. It was an emerald like green that turned almost blue in some lights. Edward would have loved to see me in it.

"I love you Bella." She said and kissed my forehead. I closed my eyes and tried to imagine myself ten years old and not fifteen with a baby.

When she left I fell on to the floor in a heap of emotions and fears. I pulled out my phone.

"Jazz?" He answered with his usual available self. "You going to the prom?" He reminded me that Alice had agreed to go with Ben last week, so he had two tickets and no real desire to attend. "Well, you better go get that tux… Cuz you're taking me now instead."

-**-Bookends-**-

**(Prom)**

I blocked out most of the night at prom. There were only two moments that meant anything at all to me. The first was when I was standing on the dance floor talking to Edward while Jazz stood in for him.

Edward and I didn't really talk anymore. I had no idea what it was he was hiding on his end. But I knew there was something. Maybe it was shit with Tanya again. And maybe it was just some need to protect me against feeling bad that he was gone. But he was more guarded now than he ever had been before.

But he told me all the things his hands would have been doing to me if he were here. It was strange. Rose read about it in one of the thousands of books that she insisted on studying after we got back home. But I was… feeling more and more… ready for sex as my body started changing. Rose said it was kind of normal. Increased hormones meant stimulations that could lead to an increase in sex drive. And I wasn't some horny cat in heat—but standing this close to Jazz while Edward talked about feeling me up was making me… a little hot.

I excused my self when that song was done. Jazz was too busy checking out Alice and Ben dancing on the opposite side of the room. What the fuck was up with Al was beyond me these days. My hormone laden mind was too full of every one of my shitty problems to really give a damn.

I found my way out to the balcony. Luckily there was no one there. The night air was soothing. I had hung up from Edward only moments before I wandered out here. And as I did whenever I found myself in places like this, I felt very alone.

I fingered my stomach. There was the slightest little bump rising from my abdomen now. Still too subtle for anyone to really see. But it was a sign. It meant I needed to think of that future a lot faster. My muscles squeezed—it was beginning to feel like business as usual. I had so much fucking stress in my life right now that my body feeling it was just like breathing to me now.

The second thing I remember about prom happened out on that quiet balcony.

"You look so beautiful tonight Bella." I turned when I heard Mike's voice over the music. He didn't look to bad himself.

"Ditto." I said smiling at him. Mike had come to the prom with his college aged girlfriend, Jessica. There was a time a few years ago when I might have felt weird being out here with Mike.

But Mike had matured a lot over the years too. He stopped wanting that thing to happen between us—that we have so much history we should naturally be together thing. Because that was Edward's thing with me. Mike accepted that we would just forever be good friends.

He leaned on the rail next to me. We stared at the stars in silence. Nice. Quiet.

"So," he peeked over at me. "I hear you're planning on testing out at the end of the year?" I smiled deviously at him. I hated high school no less than any other teenager. But I was able to get out early. Mike had never hidden his jealously over that.

"Yeah, I promise to leave bread crumbs on my way out though." He laughed.

"You do that Bella." He playfully punched my shoulder. I looked at Mike with different eyes for a moment. Maybe it was the hormones. Or maybe it was the fact that for the first time in months I didn't feel so stressed out and upset that I was ready to throw up. But I actually thought about what it would have been like to be Mike's girl. To be here at the prom with safe little unassuming Mike. We would probably be out here, making out, and I probably would have felt happy about it.

Something really stupid came over me. It had to be the chemically imbalanced brain. Maybe the hyper sexual desire in my body. And definitely the part of me that was screaming I needed an alibi. But I leaned in a kissed him.

Fucking put my lips against his.

Fuck. We pushed me off of him with wide eyes. I knew what he was thinking.

He was seeing Edward's terrifying face as he pummeled him to the ground. He excused himself without acknowledging the action. I sighed when he was gone. I was so fucking crazy. I put my hand on my stomach and patted my child with a heavy heart.

_Sorry baby. You're probably going to be a little fucked up too_. The moon was shoved behind some thick clouds and I started to silently cry.

I pulled out my phone and pushed send.

"Hey baby," his voice was like velvet. I closed my eyes and tried to force the words from my lips. _I'm pregnant_. I couldn't.

"I miss you so much Edward." He could hear the tears in my voice. And then I could hear the emotions in his.

"Talk to me Bella." I said a lot of things to him—but like usual, we didn't talk. I went to bed that night, drained. My fists were balled and I awoke only hours later from the most disturbing nightmare.

_I was sitting in a nursery holding a beautiful little boy. He had chocolate brown eyes and a perfect little nose._

_I could hear Edward's lullaby that he had written for me playing from a distant room. I hummed along and my son cooed in response to my voice._

_Suddenly I heard a car pull up. And the front door opened and closed. "Honey I'm home," the strong voice of my husband called. Both mother and child were excited with the anticipation of the man's arrival._

_I stood with a desire to rush into his arms. My baby boy was giggling and dancing in my arms for the same reason._

_The door opened and he stepped inside. I threw myself into his arms and he laughed._

"_Always so eager to see your man!" I laughed along with him. Deep in my heart I knew that was true. I kissed his lips tenderly and pulled back to look into his eyes._

"_I always have been. You know I've always loved you." I said with the truest voice._

I awoke screaming as Mike leaned in to kiss me again. Not Edward—Mike Newton.

Fuck.


	20. No one touches me

**Bookends By: Bella's Executioner.**

**Rating: M- this means if you're under 16 you are agreeing to break your own ToS by reading this and I'm not your mother so be responsible for yourself.**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is the sole owner of the world of Twilight. She is Bella's creator. I am Bella's Executioner.**

**A/N: Bookends is the very first fanfiction I started writing. It's been on this site, moved and come back. It has errors, fuck ups and lots of proofs that I'm human but it also has all of my heart and soul in it. I welcome you into this world of pain and love and hope that you enjoy. I also welcome your thoughts as you read—pm me or review and I'll be happy to discuss the story with you.**

**Chapter 20: No one touches me**

**-**-Bookends-**-**

"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live."

-Norman Cousins

-**-Bookends-**-

**CPOV (Prom night.)**

"Girls are you ready?" I shouted up to the second floor. Jazz stood in the living room pulling on his tie. He was going to walk over and pick up Bella, but she showed up at the door twenty minutes early.

The sad puppy dog look that washed into Jazz's eyes told me that they were coming downstairs. I actually gasped as I took in the sight. I still remembered Bella and Alice as two six year old girls running around in pigtails and mud covered clothes. The two young women standing in my entryway were hardly recognizable—except for the fact that they looked just like their mothers. Esme and Mary. Two people just as inseparable as these girls before me.

Jazz and I stood motionless as they made last minute adjustments to their hair and attire. Then I suddenly realized that they were throwing beseeching looks at me—well Alice was glaring daggers honestly. I cleared my throat as I turned to Jazz. He was gaping openly at the display of feminine perfection. I closed his mouth with my finger and nudged him with my elbow.

"Right," his ears grew pink and he hid his face. "Come on." He opened the door and stepped back for the ladies to exit first.

I rushed over to gush over my daughter as the proud father. She giggled and kissed my cheek. I knew there would be ruby red lipstick stained on my skin for the rest of the night. But I didn't mind. Next, I gave Bella a hug and complimented her on how beautiful she was. I couldn't believe how grown up she looked—more than that she just seemed mature. Bella really was the perfect girl for Edward. This time that they had spent apart seemed to make each of them stronger and I was thankful for that. And she seemed to handle it with her head held high rather than sulking as I had expected.

"Now, Dr. Cullen," She said with a serious look in her eyes. I resisted the urge to correct her again. Bella had never found it easy to call me Carlisle. She did not find father figures easy to deal with at all. I could sympathize with that.

She handed me a card—it had her cell phone number on it. I coughed to hide my laugh. Isabella Swan's number had been programmed into my mind the minute Edward moved into this house three years ago.

"Please call me if you hear from Em. You're sure everything is okay?" She bit her lip and Jazz looked like another five minutes of waiting and the tie was coming off as he headed up stairs.

"Yes Bella," I assured her. "They checked in to the hotel this afternoon. Rose will be meeting with her doctor tomorrow and they both will be meeting with the psychotherapist all week." She nodded as she listened. I had to smile at that. Bella was becoming quite the mother these days with this brood of characters in my household.

The thought made my mind wander—Momma Swan… I shook my head and returned my attention to the kids.

"Have a pleasant evening, girls… Jazz," I waved him over as the girls headed out to the car. Poor kid. Jazz looked like a man being led to a death sentence. "Here." I slipped him a twenty. He raised his brow at me. "Let's just say, that when I went to the prom with the girl I had to and not the girl I wanted to… I was forced to call a cab to come home. And as I am not planning on being home all night…"

He raised his hands in protest. "Got it!" He said and turned to flee the house before he remembered the sight of Esme naked on top of me.

_Fuck_. There was a sight for sore eyes. I smiled and grabbed my leather jacket from the hall closet. I checked the pocket—_yep still there_.

I laughed to myself. Alice was insisting to drive and Jazz was eyeing the front door again when I came around from the backyard. I waited until the Volvo disappeared around the corner and kicked started the bike.

It was kind of exciting. I hadn't even thought of this old bike since I was a teenager. But when Bella pulled Esme's matching bike out that fateful night it triggered the memory.

I pulled on my helmet and sped off to town. I heard that the police chief was on the graveyard shift tonight. All alone.

Not for long.

-**-Bookends-**-

**Esme POV (Police Station midnight prom night.)**

I flipped through the pictures on my digital phone. Bella looked so pretty in her dress… Sad- A little disgruntled. But pretty. I sighed when I came to the one of her alone. The one she called 'me with Edward'.

I magnified the picture to bring her face closer in the frame. Her eyes were sorrowful as she stood there. They were surrounded by a thick layer of mascara. And the shadow on the lids made the sage highlights pop. But they were the embodiment of pain.

I felt sick to my stomach as I looked that picture. I could not put my fears into words for her. I really wished that I could. She deserved an explanation but all I ever had to do was look at that tree house and I would feel justified.

Carlisle had married Mary right out of high school- they had J... I guess she was Rosalie now... well, Mary was pregnant when they married. And I watched my two best friends wither and die in that trap of a life. I just wanted Bella to think about a future first. I wanted to believe that she was making choices based on every aspect of her life- not just on her hormonal drive toward Edward.

That wasn't fair. I hit a cache of old pictures stored in my camera and one of Bella and Edward jumped out at me. It was the first summer that the boys moved back with Carlisle—Bella's twelfth birthday party. Neither of them knew I took it. But now that I watched them I felt the same as I had back then.

They were standing together watching the fireworks light up the sky over our joint backyards. Edward's hand was clutched tightly in hers- his hand always seemed to be secured to hers. And Bella's head was eased in to a relax comfort on his shoulder. It had struck me as sweet back then- Bella had never been one to like showing affection in public, or showing it at all really. But now I could see it for what it was- trust. These two innocent, broken children found something to lean on for support.

And I was the evil monster keeping them apart.

I shut the camera off and shoved it back in the drawer. I would have to have a talk with Carlisle tomorrow. That boy needed to come home. It was time to give Bella the trust she deserved.

Graduation was only a week away and Edward's birthday was only a week after that. Maybe once I saw him as a legal adult, I could trust that he would make more mature decisions in his life. After all, it was my daughter who had made that stupid mistake _that_ night.

"I am going to go down to Mel's for dinner." Gail announced as she returned from the storage room. "You want me to bring you anything?" I shook my head. I pointed to the phone and raised my brow.

"If you feel possessed to answer it," she glared at me. "Make sure you put my pens back in the cup that you steal them out of." I sighed while she smirked. "Please."

I put on a gracious grin and nodded. I really just prayed it wouldn't ring. Calls to the station after hours on prom night never spelled anything but trouble. And though I wanted to with all of my heart- trust was not something that flowed easy from me to Bella.

Gail left and I moved into the holding cell to tidy up. Carlisle once made fun of me because I had to make every room I walked into homey. I rolled my eyes as I thought of him. All I wanted to do these days was show up at his home and have him ravage me against his front door again… And again... and...

I shook my head. There was too much to think about. I would have to compartmentalize what he meant to me and where he fit in my life. Just like the pillow and blanket that I folded and placed on the cot, everything had a proper place.

I heard what I thought was a familiar sound—a dirt bike was pulling down Main Street. There was a very distinct rumble to the motor. It sounded just like Carlisle's old bike. I smirked to myself. If my daughter only knew about my "rebellious" days. I remembered what Carlisle used to look like back then. _Damn_. I used to think he was the hottest thing around—but as I pictured his beautiful golden head moving slowly down my naked body… I fanned myself with my hand. Nothing was sexier than that man—yesterday or today. I was sure when he was a hundred years old he would be just as beautiful.

I gasped as strong hands grabbed me from behind. I had been so caught up in my own mind that I had not even noticed someone had come in. My breath spiked and my heart was speeding. I could tell that the hands were a man's but I tried to keep a clear head as I waited for my attacker to proceed.

I had a can of pepper spray on my belt. All I needed was a little wiggle in his grip. I could also incapacitate him with my palm but he held my arms tight enough against my sides that I could not move without giving him the advantage.

My body shook and froze all at once when I felt his hot breath against my neck. Some part of my mind was wondering why I wasn't screaming for help. And another part of my mind was trying to figure why I was kind of turned on to this submissive position.

He drew in a wicked breath next to my ear. His voice tickled as he spoke. "Are you alone, bitch?" My temper flared at his words. I tensed to fight but he was stronger. I was truly shaking in rage now. My mind was running through every scenario in the book at how to fight this asshole. _Just keep him talking Esme—turn the situation in to your control. Don't let him get your gun_.

"Yes." It was my own twisted version of reverse psychology. First, it did you no good to give up too many false cues. That showed him all your cards too soon. If I said "no", he would know I was lying. By saying "yes" he had to wonder if there was someone hiding that he had missed. And then there was still that fucked up part of my mind that was getting turned on from the aggressive way that he was holding me. I never really knew this part of myself before—well maybe I had tapped into her when I went to the Academy. But mostly I always believed I wanted to be in control. But after the other night with Carlisle… I was finding that submission was quite a high.

My mind was getting kind of dizzy with a sick lust. One of his hands drifted over to place both of my hands in one of his—I didn't fight him. The rational part of my mind was screaming for help. The freed hand moved up my body to grab my breast tightly.

I moaned. _WHAT THE FUCK!_ My brain was screaming. There had to be a reason why I didn't feel threatened enough to beat the shit out of this guy.

"You _are_ a fucking little slut aren't you?" His voice was raw and deep—velvet and dark. Shit, even his disgusting words were making me hot. Why?

I felt him thrust his hips against my ass. He was aroused. And he was kind enough to warn me that he was here for only one thing. I trembled in anticipation—of something horrible or something deliciously sinful I had no idea.

The hand that held my hands pressed me back against him to trap his erection between us. A shaky whimper escaped my lips. My eyes were filling with tears. The adrenaline pumping through my body was making everything hazy. My heart was pounding in my ears so loudly that I almost missed his clue.

"Scream for me, baby." I gasped. My body that had been frozen in terror was stilled in confusion and then melted into raw desire. He released his hold on me and ran his hands down my body and he knelt behind me.

Carlisle. _Motherfucker_. He scared the shit out of me… and he… excited the fuck out of me at the same time.

"Esme?" he whispered. He spread my legs slightly apart forcing me to fall forward and brace my hands against the wall like a perp being frisked. _Fuck that was hot_.

"If this gets to be too much—say red." My breath was coming in deep sharp bursts and my mind was flying. My entire body was tingling. I was wetter than the rain covered sidewalk outside. And I wanted to answer him, but all I could do was whimper in anticipation.

"Esme?" His hands smoothed up my sides across my arms and came to rest on top of my hands against the wall. My breath was ragged as I tried to pay attention—put meaning to his words. I could feel the entire length of him pressed against my back. My skin was burning where it felt his through the layers of our clothing.

"Yes." I whispered breathlessly.

"Do you understand?" His tongue dipped into the curve of my ear as his teeth drew my earlobe in to his mouth. I nodded slowly. Red meant stop. No more. Don't go on.

His hands slapped against mine on the wall. I yelped—frightened more by the sudden movement than the action. I did not say red—so he continued without stopping. _God damn it that turned me on_.

"I've always wanted to see a cop get screwed for once." I smiled in spite of the moment—I never would have guessed that quiet, reserved Carlisle Cullen was such a dirty, dirty boy. "What do you say chief?" His right hand grabbed me hard and tight where I was already aching for him.

I gasped. I could feel myself respond to his touch. "My… my deputy…" I stammered. In the true scene it would be because I was afraid, but in reality it was because I was losing control. I really hoped like hell that he didn't have too much acting planned for this shit. The sex would be amazing no matter how much build up there was.

"Told me to have a nice night—that she would be okay with going home early and she left me her keys." I heard rather than saw the keys drop to the floor beside me. I wondered if Gail considered what he had planned. Probably not. It was prom night—we were parents who would have had plenty to talk about until my shift was over. It must have looked so innocent to her in passing.

"So tell me… Chief Swan…" his hands tore my shirt open and I grunted in primal need. "Do you like being a prisoner?"

His wonderful, wonderful hands were caressing me again—hard and rough and just the way I liked it. I was having a hard time holding still. I ground my hips back into him—eliciting a sharp hiss when I hit his obvious need for me. That earned my breast a slap of punishment—_fuck yah_! And my hands on the wall were claws that were digging into the brick—begging to turn to touch him.

I had never been a part of anything like this before. Charlie had only one sexual scenario—in the dark for five minutes. My head was thrashing from side to side as my mind slipped away from my control.

He was leaning me back into his body—taking my weight on to his chest and thighs.

"_Carlisle_…" I moaned—it really was a plea. _Fucking do it already_!

"Have you been a bad girl, Chief Swan?" Shit I would be whatever he wanted me to be. So long as he never stopped touching me. "Answer me you bitch." He turned me and threw me down on the cot. There was some good girl part of my mind that told me I should have found that wrong—should have gasped in fear or insult. But that part of me was drowning in the lust flowing between my legs. I was hot and throbbing and desperate for him to dominate me.

"Yes." I whimpered. He smiled a wicked smile. And straddled my hips to force me to lie back. He drew my hands above my head. For the first time I got to see him—really see how the play was affecting him.

His face was steel and cold. His body was powerful and possessive. And his eyes, smoldered. The midnight blue was bleeding to black with a hunger that made me want to scream all night.

He reached into his coat pocket—it was then that I recognized the jacket. It was his signature leather jacket from high school. _Fuck_. It was like a blending of the badass sexy Carlisle of my youth and the seductive amazing Carlisle of my present. I actually flopped my head back and groaned. He was going to kill me—death by orgasm. But what a way to go.

I heard the cuffs clank together and raised my head to confirm that was what I heard. Sure enough, Carlisle was pulling a pair of handcuffs from his pocket. I questioned him with shocked eyes.

He winked. Gave me that fucking adorable crooked smile. And put one finger to his lips. "Shh… I'm a bad boy too." I moaned again as he leaned over me.

"Fuck." He chuckled as I let my barriers drop completely and just said what I was thinking.

"Soon enough." He promised. He cuffed my hands above me to the cot. He's done this kind of thing before—right?

I was going to ask him—in fact I tugged gently on my secured hands and the word red almost floated past my lips. Would have passed them if his weren't suddenly ravaging them. Carlisle feasted on my lips like he was a starving man at an all you can eat buffet.

I'm not sure how I got naked—nor am I sure when he undressed. Everything became a haze of lust and need and pleasure. But when he entered me everything became crystal clear once more. It was strangely exhilarating to be totally at his mercy. I could move my legs and they mostly followed his unspoken commands as well. But with my hands removed from my control I was his—totally his. And he rewarded my trust with the sweetest most mind blowing sensations that my body had every experienced.

I was a screaming, writhing, needy thing by the time I was coming for him. And he was not much better off. He had enough focus to unlock my restraints before he pulled on top of him.

"Ride me." He commanded breathlessly. I was only too happy to comply. It was my turn to devour him with my lips—and his chest was delicious. I moaned in delight as I tasted his flesh with my wet hot tongue.

"Esme… Esme.." Another women would have thought he was simply moaning her name in his pleasure filled psychosis. I knew better.

I drew his hands to my breasts and when he squeezed—I screamed.

I'm sure that all of Forks must have heard at least the moment I released. But I couldn't find the energy to give a crap. I was floating back down—nestled in his embrace while I sprawled my limp body across his chest.

"We really have to stop meeting like this." I joked. He laughed. The movement made my head wobble against his chest. It was the most I could move. My body felt spent.

"I don't know… I feel like I could go a couple more rounds."

I smirked at his confidence but didn't move. Couldn't move. "I'll get you some lotion." I offered. He laughed louder at that. It made me giggle. I loved to hear Carlisle laugh. I don't think I ever heard him laugh when Mary lived next door.

Eventually—probably twenty minutes or so later, I could move my limbs and I lay tracing lazy lines across his chest.

"Carlisle?" I asked. His hands were running along my bare back in the same lazy motions. They stilled when I spoke.

"Yes Esme." I loved it when he said my name now. It was like a caress—his voice would grow deep and intense around the world. Like it was the most important word in his world—deserving of reverence. _Silly girl_.

"We need to talk." I sat up and his hand moved to my cheek. I leaned into his touch.

He nodded. "Yes… _but_ first we should get dressed." I frowned at the thought. He chuckled again. "Gail told me she would be back in an hour—and that will be up in fifteen minutes."

SHIT! I leapt from the cot and threw on my clothes. Why was he forever destroying my tops? I ran to the back to get a spare and found Carlisle and Gail chatting as if he had just stopped by to say hello.

I turned to the mirror in the bathroom and groaned. My lips were swollen—my hair said good and fucked and… well hell my entire face screamed life altering release.

I shook my head and joined them in the office. "Chief." Gail said going back to her computer without really looking at me. She knew.

"Esme, Gail has been kind enough to call in you deputy for the remainder of the night—I told her that you were not feeling well. Isn't that right?" I nodded though Gail did not look up.

"I'll take her home, thanks again." He flashed her that charming smile that melted my heart and rose to coax me to the door. His eyes told me he was genuinely worried that there might be something wrong with me.

We walked home from the station—in the pouring rain, like when we were kids. It was just like every other moment with Carlisle lately—unbelievable.

It was decided. Edward would come home for his birthday. I would let it be a surprise for Bella—she had such little good news these days. And we would take this relationship public. Though both of us grinned at the thought of how public this could get—had already gotten.

And when we ended up in his bed later that night I felt more and more of the old me slipping away. I wasn't sure who this new person was—but I liked her. I liked how confident she was in his arms. How much she allowed herself to feel. I liked that he liked her—found her desirable. As long as we could be like this together—I would keep on wanting to become her.

Forever.

-**-Bookends-**-

**BPOV (the day before Edward's birthday)**

Graduation had passed in a bigger blur than prom. They were useless ceremony. I had only graduated because I passed the early out exam. It really didn't mean the same thing to me as it did to Em. And since he was busy helping Rose with her process toward her operation—her real life experience phase—he wasn't even in town to accept his own diploma.

I just did it for mom. She was so freaking proud of both of us. And she was so happy these days that I couldn't bare to disrupt that. I had enough stress keeping me up at nights.

I didn't want to admit anything was wrong. Rose had to leave town—Alice and Jazz were taking care of me now. And that was just pissing me off. I was going to be responsible for this life growing inside of me for the rest of my life—I couldn't be treated like some invalid anymore.

But I was helpless… and I did have to confess this to someone. I had to trust someone soon. I had felt the sharp pains for the last couple of hours and it was beyond irresponsible for me not to do something about it. I couldn't risk my baby's life because I was too chicken shit to admit I was pregnant.

So I ended up in my mother's bedroom—dancing around my purpose.

I sat on the edge of her bed. I felt like I was a five year old again in some ways and yet I felt like I was ancient in others. I hugged my knees as close to my rapidly changing body as I could. I couldn't just come out with the truth first off—so I decided to address the dreams… I kept having the same one over and over. The one that told me that Mike was the best choice for my future—the smart choice.

"Mom?" My voice was scratchy. I couldn't believe the thoughts that were floating through my head. I didn't fucking want them there. I fucking loved Edward with my whole heart and soul.

"What is it Bella?" She sat back on the headboard. Mom learned a long time ago that with me support meant just being here. Touching was only something Edward was allowed to do when I was this upset. And that was only because he refused to let me be.

"Are you happy with Dr. Cullen?" My eyes searched her face like I was staring in to Pandora's Box. It was some mystery that I was terrified to finally have solved. The answer just might kill me.

She smile and this serene peace settled into her eyes. Fuck. Mom had never been so… content. "Yes." She whispered.

I nodded and contemplated that. "Have you ever wondered? What it would have been like… to not have married dad? To be with…" I let the thought trail off unspoken. I went over it and over it in my mind and all I could figure was Dr. Cullen was her Edward.

From the stories I had about the turbulent marriage he had with Mary Alice, he seemed to be the less "safe" choice in her past. Dad was boring and predictable—that made him her Mike. I took a huge amount of comfort from the fact that her Mike was a wash while her Edward made her happy.

"Bella," her voice was clouded with some emotion that I didn't understand. It wasn't regret—more like, experience. "I know that I was not happy with Charlie, but I wouldn't change what I had with him. I got two wonderful kids from it. And, I am who I am today because of what I have survived. Just as Carlisle is who he is because of his first marriage. We were kids before—we didn't know what we wanted." I recognized that last bit for what it was—a thinly veiled direct assault to my relationship with Edward.

Mom could only find so many ways to say slow down and wait. My stomach turned—I was way past the point for that advice I think.

"But, did you ever think while you were married to Dad?... why did choose him?"

She laughed uneasily. "Bella, you assume I had a choice. Your father was the one standing beside me. Carlisle… he was always somewhere else. He just… wasn't there Bella…" I frowned at her words. I had seen the way he looked at her. She was never his second best. I got some sad satisfaction out of that realization. My mom thought she was no big prize while Dr. Cullen treasured her—at least I wasn't the only girl with a lack of self esteem.

"So, if he were available and there was never a dad and a Mary Alice?"

She sighed. "Bella, what is it you are really asking? Who are you replacing Edward with in your scenario?" I bristled as she hit pay dirt. Her face grew shocked and I knew I would regret whatever she said next. "Oh my god! Is it… it's not… _Jazz_? Is it?"

My mind could not fathom where she even pulled that guess from. Jazz? Really had she never seen him and Alice together? "Really?" My face must have showed how incredibly ludicrous that sounded.

"Don't look at me like that. You two have been spending a lot of time together since Edward left. And he and Alice broke up. And… well who the hell else could it be?"

There was the issue. Not even my mom would think of Mike Newton. Why the fuck was I so hung up on him!

"No one mom." I muttered. My phone vibrated and I saw that Jazz was texting me.

"Oh, Bella, I forgot. I have to pull a double tonight—starting now. Sorry baby. Do you need me to get anything for you tomorrow?" Her eyes were kind of bright when she asked. That baffled me. She knew tomorrow would be a dark day for me. Edward's birthday and no promise of him being here in person—that would not equal me doing anything but wallowing in bed.

I shook my head and went straight to my room. I couldn't even want to tell her about the baby. It was kind of crazy—but I was going to have to trust Jazz to get me some help. I couldn't trust anyone in town—I still wasn't sure mom would appreciate my delicate condition.

Jazz met me at the Volvo ten minutes later. "You sure about this Bella?" He eyed me with brotherly concern. I just nodded miserably. It would be an hour drive to PA and then an hour ride on the ferry, but I couldn't trust that the docs in town wouldn't tell Dr. Cullen. At this point my little secret was a snowball speeding downhill. I would be in more than trouble when my mom finally found out. Deep shit—I would be in deep, deep shit.

"Where's Alice?" I asked as he hit the highway. "She has a fitting for the new tour. She locked herself in her studio all morning. I didn't think it would matter if she came." He turned to me and inspected my eyes and expression. "It doesn't matter does it? You never seem to mind if she is around or not…it's just easier… on me." I nodded. I could understand that. Alice was weird around Jazz these days—fuck! We were all weird around each other. If you had told me four months ago that I would be sitting in a car driving to Canada because I was pregnant and the only person I trusted to come with me was Jazz—I would have punched your fucking lights out over your stupidity. But reality was stranger than fiction.

"So what is it that is happening? I mean… do you know if it is good or bad?"

"Well… it is painful. And I assume pain is not good." My fingers thumped against my growing belly.

"Bella, seriously, when are you going to tell someone? This is kind of… childish."

I glared out the window. "I'm fifteen years old Jazz… technically I am simply acting my age."

"Well then grow up."

I turned to see his eyes dark and troubled. "You have to think about more than yourself right now Bella. That baby needs an adult to take care of them. Trust me—it is no fun to be the parent when you're a kid."

I didn't mean it that way. I just meant… fuck. I _was_ trying to absolve myself of the responsibility I supposed. That just made me hurt more. In all the wrong ways. "Sorry Jazz." I whispered.

-**-Bookends-**-

"Well, Ms. Swan, your blood test will be ready in the morning. And the ultra sound looked normal but I would like to keep you in over night just in case. The cramping worries me too much at the moment. So just relax and I will have your friend come in to stay with you."

"Thanks doctor." It was so weird. Neither of us were over eighteen but the doctor really couldn't deny us. I wondered how long it would take before they called my mom. This couldn't be a good thing. Me in the hospital… the night before Edward's birthday.

Jazz came in—he looked… green. "Bella, what's up?"

"It's just precautionary Jazz. They have to wait for the blood test and he wants to monitor me all night. That's all. Nothing big."

Jazz sat in the chair by the bed. "Bella, please. Let me call someone. Anyone… Isn't there an adult you trust?"

I don't know why she was the first person to pop into my mind, but she was close and she… had earned my respect. "Renee."

Jazz looked relieved beyond the sensation and he called her immediately. I didn't really notice when she arrived. Jazz gave her "the talk" that said she was trusted but not to inform anyone in Forks about this. She informed both of us that she would use her judgment when and if she needed to. Renee talked to the hospital and since she was my legal step mom—she had every right to be the only one they contacted.

All in all it was one of the first nights that I felt a lightening of the weight on my shoulders.

"Bella honey?" Renee said quietly next to me. It was late—I was tired. Jazz was snoring in the recliner in the corner.

"Yes?"

"I'm going to go to the apartment and pick up some things. Do you need me to get you anything?" I shook my head and wanted to cry. Why had I wasted so much of my relationship with her in hatred?

"No thanks. And thank you… thanks for… you know, understanding." I couldn't look at her when I said it. I was proud of my baby—but not proud of the circumstances surrounding this pregnancy.

"Don't worry about anything sweetheart. You'll get through this and you will find a way to let your mom and everyone else know too. You'll see… things have a way of turning out right in the end Bella."

I smiled. When Renee left the room was silent—save Jazz's log sawing.

I yawned. I was exhausted.

This night I was trapped in quite a different dream.

Edward was standing over me next to the raging fire at La Push. His eyes were dark and his face was lethal. His fists balled as if I were an enemy.

"Edward?" Dream me begged.

"You did this Bella. You ruined my life." His voice was a sharp whip that lashed at my flesh.

"No… I… we can make it a good life Edward."

"How… you can't even move." I didn't like this Edward- he was mean and cruel. And he was right…

When I tried to get up I couldn't. I looked down to find my stomach swollen larger than normal. And as I watched it continued to grow. It was an oppressive weight that kept me trapped on the ground. And it hurt.

"Edward please!" I screeched in my dream. "Please help me!"

"You don't want my help Bella. You lied to me. You did this."

I couldn't breath. The mass on my body was growing and stretching and suffocating me. I was racked with pain so blindly that I shot up in bed.

I was covered in sweat—and gasping for breath. I looked over at the clock. 12:01—Edward was officially eighteen years old. I didn't have time to give a shit.

My stomach cramped so hard that I screamed. Jazz was up and holding me in the next second. The monitors that I was hooked up to were blaring and someone turned on the lights.

My mind fucking stopped.

Everything stopped.

I wanted to die.

I thought maybe I was dying.

Maybe I was already dead.

I couldn't hear Jazz screaming my name.

I couldn't see the doctors trying to move my body.

I couldn't even remember where I was.

All I knew was that I covered in blood.


	21. Sound of Silence

**Bookends By: Bella's Executioner.**

**Rating: M- this means if you're under 16 you are agreeing to break your own ToS by reading this and I'm not your mother so be responsible for yourself.**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is the sole owner of the world of Twilight. She is Bella's creator. I am Bella's Executioner.**

**A/N: Bookends is the very first fanfiction I started writing. It's been on this site, moved and come back. It has errors, fuck ups and lots of proofs that I'm human but it also has all of my heart and soul in it. I welcome you into this world of pain and love and hope that you enjoy. I also welcome your thoughts as you read—pm me or review and I'll be happy to discuss the story with you.**

**Chapter 21: The Sound of Silence**

**-**-Bookends-**-**

Hello darkness my old friend,

I've come to talk with you again,

Because a vision softly creeping,

Left its seeds while I was sleeping,

And the vision that was planted in my brain

Still remains

Within the **sound of silence**…

-Paul Simon (Sound of Silence)

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**Preface:**

He stood next to me but we were no longer together. "You know that I never meant to hurt you."

My throat choked at the confession. I had hurt him so much deeper and for so much longer than he'd ever know. But I couldn't wish away the pain that was burning my flesh just beneath the surface. He may not have meant to, but he killed me succinctly.

"I know." I lied. My eyes did not well up with tears. I could feel it- my heart had stop wanting to cry. I couldn't even shed a tear over the loss of the greatest love my heart had ever known.

"Bella, I'll do whatever you want. Please. Just tell me. If you want to work through this..." He raised his hands to place them on my arms.

I shrunk back. "I don't want you…" My words were terse and sharp. It was irrational but my skin felt raw at the thought of him touching me. I wanted to hurt him. I wanted him to feel what his betrayal felt like to me.

When my resolute eyes met his- my confidence wavered. His eyes were... grief-stricken. This was a death to him. He would shoulder the blame and he would... believe me.

My eyes saw red.

Edward never believed himself worthy of me. He believed this time we had together was like every other good thing in his life- fleeting. My heart broke all over again to see that belief shining in his eyes.

Again my anger raged. How could he truly believe me after all we have gone through? After all that I fought against and survived to shield him from the cruel reality of this world. How could he really think... no _know_, that I would be capable of falling out of loving him.

That just pissed me off. "Go away." I whispered.

I heard him whimper my name, "_Bella_..." it was a sad, solitary breathless plea. It was all the fight he had left to try to hold me to him. It was... pathetic. I pushed away and turned to head off to the apartment. I would be gone before he returned—he'd give me the respect of my privacy while I packed.

I waited for it... for the tears to come. Waited for some gut wrenching guilt to take hold and cripple my body from leaving his side.

It never came.

I suppose that's what happens when you die. When you are an evil creature who roams this world after death- some anti-human who no longer has a soul inside her body.

It had been wrong for me to continue to drain the life from his world. Wrong for me to pretend that I could be a whole human once more just by having his arms around me while I slept.

It was my fault. My weakness. And I would rid him of it now. Like the purging of a venom that was poisoning his system, my leaving would save his life. He could be free to live- While I slipped away to die quietly.

I took one last look around the small apartment before I left. Nothing of me remained. I even made sure to throw out my soap and to spray air freshener around- not even my scent would remain behind to torment him.

I closed the door with a silent click and stepped in to the elevator. When he got home I would be removed from his life forever. He would not find my socks bunched by the bedside to annoy him anymore. He would not see my wadded pages of unfinished chapters lying by the desk in the corner. My pillow was not on his bed. My bras were not mixed with his boxers. It would be a clean break for him...

A new hope.

A new life.

It would be as if I never existed.

-**-Bookends-**-

**BPOV (present day)**

A heartbeat.

Mine.

Thump.

Thump. Thump.

Thump. Thump. Beep.

Everything was white. Too much light. So much sound that the noise was white washing against my ears.

Nothing.

Thump. Thump.

Thump.

Was I breathing?

Thump. Thump.

I didn't want to be breathing.

Thump. Thump.

"It's in distress…"

Thump. "Get me…" Thump. "We've got to get her in to surgery now…"

Thump. Thump.

"The placenta…" Thump. "Detached…"

Thump. Thump. Beep.

"Move her on three… " Thump.

"One..." Thump. Thump.

"Two..." Thump.

"Three..." I was lifted in the air—was I going to heaven?

Thump. I felt the earth rise up to hold me here a minute longer- No I was chained back to the fires of hell.

"There is no…" Thump. "Get her prepped…"

Thump.

"The baby?"

Thump.

"No, hope…"

Thump. Thump.

"We are fighting to save her now…"

Thump.

Poisonous liquid- a venom smoothed into my veins to numb everything. It was a hauntingly slow feeling of death. There must have been pain. I couldn't feel it. I no longer was capable of feeling something as basic as pain.

I was wrapped in a blanket of freezing agony that secured a fiery torture just below the surface of my skin. The world was black and red. Some machine moved air into my lungs for I no longer had the desire to do so myself. I waited for the darkness to move across my body and claim my eyes. Seconds before I was blissfully unconscious, I heard the words that would lock me in my own personal hell inside my mind forever.

"Mark the time of death at 12:02 a.m…"

Thump… Beep….Beep…. Beep….

-**-Bookends-**-

**CPOV (the day before Edward's birthday)**

"Are you sure you don't want to stay home?" I couldn't believe it when Alice volunteered to fly with me this morning. She seemed very eager actually. It was surprising, and refreshing. We had sort of been split up for a while. There was so much drama surrounding everything else that my poor little Alice just seemed to get lost in the fray.

She wound her fingers through mine like she used to do when she was a little girl. And smiled up at me with her blue eyes dancing. "Yes Daddy, I'm sure."

I smiled and leaned down to kiss her forehead. I would never get tired of hearing her call me Daddy.

"So, Allie, what are your big plans for the new line?" I tried to strike up a conversation once we were in the air. This was right. Natural. It was just like the old days with my daughter and me and our little trips all over the country.

I had flown Alice to every designer school and fashion week imaginable back then. Even Esme used to warn that I was spoiling her—but it was my little girl and it was her dream and I could help make it happen. There was no such thing as too much support in my book.

"I don't know." She said watching the clouds and shrugging her shoulders. It really was amazing. Though fashion, which had once been the very breath in her body, had taken a back seat lately—it was like my old Alice was coming back to me these days. I had noticed a shift in her around New Year's—something had troubled her and pushed a gap between us. But lately she seemed to be more and more like the old Alice, maybe just a little more mature. I just wondered why.

"Daddy?"

"Yeah Allie."

"I know." I turned to her to try to puzzle out what she meant. And when I looked at her… I saw Mary sitting next to me. I saw a girl with questions burning in her heart but trust welling in her eyes.

I choked. "Okay." I was terrified. My first thought was to keep my mind on flying. I would not harm her by losing my head while our lives were in my hands. That being said, I switched to autopilot and drown in a cold sweat.

I had had many fears in my life. When I was young I feared death by my father's hand. I feared a sharp object cutting my skin and sending me into the emergency room night after night. When I was a teenager I feared some guy hurting my sister. Later I would fear my sister herself. Then I met Mary and Esme and I feared ever having to admit who I really loved. Because I was Mary's first but I would be Esme's always. But fear was something so basic that it could never define how I felt eleven years ago when I brought Alice home.

I was ashamed, petrified, anguished at the thought that I would ever lose her again. And if she was talking about what I knew she was talking about… FUCK. I couldn't lose her again.

My lips locked up. My mind froze. It was disgustingly selfish—but I couldn't force my body to say it. She deserved better.

"Daddy," I didn't turn to look at her, or give her any verbal clue that I could hear her. I felt a tiny hand settle over mine. I looked down at it. Alice was so petit. She was nearly a woman, but her hands still looked like the ones that had reached for me in that fucking hellhole the day I found her. "It's okay."

My heart jumped in my chest at her words. I didn't deserve it. She deserved a parent who could fucking reassure _her_. But here she was—taking care of me. And fuck, but it was a relief. Guilt washed through me as I continued to not look at her. I had spent so much effort all of my life taking care of everyone around me while no one gave a fuck about me. It was selfish, but I hungered for this moment that my fifteen year old daughter had the guts to give me.

"Thank you." She whispered.

I looked at her then. She was crying. Gentle quiet tears and it was then that I realized I was crying too. I nodded my head.

"I…I…" My eyes searched the controls as if the answers were there and I just couldn't see them.

"I know." She said rubbing her hand back and forth over my arm. "I don't blame you. Or hate you. I just… need you. And," I looked back at her. Those damn eyes were so full of love that my heart broke for all the years I kept this secret. All the years I fooled myself into thinking that she would be just like her mother. That she would hate me and leave me.

"I'll always be there for you baby." I interrupted. She smiled with sparkling eyes of pride. Though I was truly the proud one in this moment. So fucking proud of my kids and their strong hearts. It must have been something they came up with on their own. I was a fucking moron with these sorts of things.

She patted my arm again. "I know that too Daddy. But what I mean is that… I need you to be okay with me and Jazz. I've had some time to think about it… and I want to trust him. No, I know I can trust him. And I want you to be okay with that."

If I believed that Edward would really do the things he threatened to do to me if I told anyone about Jazz's first adoption before he could tell Jazz himself, I would never have told her. But Alice and I were done with keeping secrets. At least on my end.

I started to speak and she held her hand up to stop me. "I know that we are first cousins but… that really only matters if we want to have kids, and Jazz and I don't ever want to have kids." For a second I was a little angry at that omission. Alice would be a great mother. I could see I had some work to do to bring her around to understanding why she would change her mind someday. I really wanted to be a grandpa—and… fuck! There I went being selfish again. Would I force this poor kid to have kids just to satisfy that desire? No.

I shook my head. "Well sweetheart…. I have something else I think you should know…"

She sat back in her seat and listened—with her knees pulled up under her chin and that one hand still on my arm.

"Wow." She eventually said. It was no less of a shock still for me. I had always known that Tanya led a fucked up life—but that was… inexcusable.

"Daddy?"

"Yeah baby?" Her face got that far off look. I could tell that she was storing Jazz's past away and coming back around to her own. I prepared myself for the worst. I knew it was too fucking much to ask for her not to have questions. Fucking prick! I promised I would be there for her—here it went.

"What did you mean about not being able to keep me?"

I looked over at her with my own questions burning in my eyes. She heard me say that? She had discovered this from a conversation that I had? I racked my brain to remember who I had spoken to about this. I never talked to anyone about it. I never even kept pictures of Mary in the house for fear that Alice would see the resemblance. I ran through her exact words trying to match them to a moment…. A time that I said it just like that…

FUCK.

"Allie? Were you…" Fucking hell! Was there a child alive who hadn't walked in on Esme and I having sex that day?

Her cheeks grew pink and she looked down at her hands that were in her lap now. "Yeah." She breathed. She peeked over at me and I just rolled my eyes.

"What I meant, was that Mary…" I looked over at her. Her face was complacent in attention. "Your mother." Fuck a huge weight floated off of my chest form just saying those words. I sighed. "She took you away from me while she was pregnant. She took you across the Canadian border and had you there under a false name. She had her boyfriend at the time sign as the legal father on your birth certificate. When I found you… I couldn't petition to have you named mine legally because I had no idea who the guy was… and by then… Mary had… died."

Her little lips parted in understanding. "So, you just adopted me straight off… because…"

"I didn't know his name sweetie. If I had even a first name, or a picture, I swear to you that I would have fought as long as it took with as money as it took to get my name on that document. I AM you father. But… I never knew his name." I had never felt as inadequate as I did at that moment. I could transplant a heart from one body to another. I could triumph over Edward in a three hour chess match. I could make Esme, the most controlling tightly wound woman in the world, lose her fucking mind with sexual release in her own workplace. But I couldn't find out anything about that bastard that stole her from me all those years ago.

Records are sealed. Alice could look at them if she wanted. But there was a part of me that feared that fight. Feared what I do to that motherfucker if I ever found him. I was not always a gentle man.

"James." She breathed, so low that I almost missed it. She turned to me with sad eyes. "His name was James. And…" Her hand went back on top of mine once more. Sometimes with Alice it was difficult to remember which one of us was the parent. "There is no need to fight anything Dad." She squeezed my hand and went back to watching the clouds. "I am and always have been a Cullen. Case closed."

She nodded once and I knew she meant it. Drop it old man. Don't mess with the moment.

When we landed in Seattle… I was feeling almost a little light headed. The world seemed to be lining up so easily that that cloud of foreboding just had to be on my horizon.

The boys were officially mine. Jazz and Alice could be together. Alice knew about her past and she forgave me for being a horrible fucking father who lied to her. Bella and Edward would be together again. And… I closed my eyes and inhaled the fresh breath of the cool air… And Esme was finally mine.

It was a long, long road, but I believed for the first time in my life that I could finally be happy.

-**-Bookends-**-

**EPOV (the day before his birthday.)**

Why Carlisle always insisted on picking me up was beyond me. I think he just liked an excuse to the fly his jet. I laughed to myself as I packed. You had to just fucking love Carlisle.

I went through my room meticulously. The last time that I had moved out I had felt no desire to even return to this room. But now… I was older. I could appreciate my childhood for what it was. The time before Bella.

My sketches and my music were placed in my backpack, along with Jazz's paperwork. I sighed as I caught sight of the large envelope again. I refused to relay anything about it over the phone- my brother deserved to hear about this in person. It was just one more reason I was glad that I was going home. There were too many secrets floating out in space right now. My heart would be lighter once I could let Bella know the truth—and once my baby brother could see this.

Fuck. I stood in the middle of the room and said goodbye. This tiny little space had been a sanctuary for me. It was the only place where I felt safe before I moved to Forks. It was the place that Jazz and I ran to, to shut out the world. I looked around the room with older eyes. I could see Jazz sitting on a pile of clothes under the window—his fucking all knowing face dancing with laughter as we talked about the girls. That reminded me.

I crawled on to my bed and reached back behind the headboard. They were still there.

Every letter that Bella Swan had sent me. My one regret when I left three years ago was that I hadn't returned to take these. I held the folded pages to my lips. _I'm coming baby_. I thought.

I felt the lurch in my stomach again. I had been having it all day. Fuck if I was being totally fucking honest with myself I would admit that I had been having it since that day I talked to her on the phone.

Fuck. Bella was sad. I was fucking making her sad. I slipped the letters in my backpack- they were the second most fucking precious things to me in this world. I put the pack on my shoulder and sat back down on the bed.

Bella had never been in this room. She had never visited this house. It was some dark fucking secret that I always ran from. That fucked up part of me that I never wanted her to see- lest she figure out what a fucking loss it was to waste her time with me.

I saw the space for what it was now- just a room. Just four walls and some furniture. Everything in my life from now on would be just something until I gave it meaning. I would not allow this house to control me any longer. Tanya had her shit to work through. I had made my motherfucking peace with mine—because in less than twenty four hours I would have the reason for my existence in my arms forever. And nothing would fucking tear her from me again.

When I came downstairs Phil was standing by the door. He was an interesting man. I really wanted to fucking hate him. I felt like Bella was my basis for comparison here and she could curse Renee till the sun went down. So I had no other fucking way to relate to Phil. But the fucker refused to give me something to work with. He was nice. He was attentive. Fuck! He gave me my space and never fucking bothered me. I really fucking wished that he had come in to our lives sooner. Maybe with a guy like Phil around... fuck! There was a fucking catch-22. If we had had Phil around, we never would have ended up in Forks. I never would have gotten in to Bella's bed three years ago.

I'd take every minute of fucking shit that Tanya threw at me back then again if it meant I still got to have my life with Bella. Take the good with the motherfucking bad. She was fucking worth it.

"Edward." Phil said reaching out his hand. I stared at it for a minute and realized he wanted to shake mine. Fuck. I must look like a fucking moron to normal people. I couldn't trust anything for what it was.

Tanya… Mom was standing by the door talking to Carlisle. I had to fucking bite my cheek not to laugh out loud. She was acting the sweet fucking little sister. Caring mother and shit. And I could tell—mostly because he never fucking hid anything from his kids—that Carlisle was trying not to fucking punch her in the face.

_Fucking do it, Carlisle_. I thought. His eyes darted to my face as if he had heard me. I smirked. Our genetically shared crooked smile spread across his face for a moment and then his eyes jumped to Phil's face. Fuck. True, Phil would probably have a problem with Tanya losing a tooth. Bitch deserved it though.

She handed Carlisle a package. I raised my eyebrows as I stepped closer. Carlisle cleared his throat and hid the mystery before I could ask anything about it.

"Are you ready son?" I didn't miss the fucking smug glint in his eyes when he said that. It was the closest thing to a hit he would get in to her. Tanya's face fell slightly when he said it. Because when he said it, he meant it.

"Yah." I said quietly nodding. He nodded too and said goodbye to Phil.

Mom turned to me. Any other fucking mother and son would not feel such a great importance at a moment like this. Fuck, any other mother and son would want to be in each other's lives. But she knew there was no fucking way that I was coming back here once I left. And there was absolutely no fucking way that I was dragging Bella down to her level either.

"Goodbye Edward." She said with as much fucking love as I had ever heard from her. It didn't change me. I still didn't fucking trust her. But… some lost part of my heart was a little relieved to hear it. The love. I never really thought I deserved it. Or some shit like that.

"Bye. Mom." I said through tight lips. I wished it was more than just a word. Mom. I knew what father's looked like. I had a great example waiting for me just outside the house. But I wondered if I would ever get to know what a mom should be.

She reached her arms out for a hug. Fuck. I held her gingerly—it was the only hug I remember getting from her since Ed died. At first it was just really fucking awkward. Then I heard her breath hitch and I felt her slight weight in my arms and for some fucking reason I was thinking about Bella again. Bella would make the best damn fucking mom in the world. Someday. Together—we would be the best fucking parents one day. And we wouldn't fuck our kids up to the point that they were terrified to hug us.

I leaned out of the hug and ducked out of the house without another word. Fuck. I was actually choking back tears. Carlisle made a point of giving me my fucking space when we got into the cab.

We didn't talk and I was surprised as all fuck to find that fucking little pixie bitch sitting on the jet when we got to the airport.

"Hi," she said with her typical smile. It made me smile. It made my fucking heart sing. I was looking at my officially new little sister.

I reached down and scooped her up out of the chair and gave her a hug that even Emmett would be fucking proud of. She was giggling when I sat her back down.

"All right you two." Carlisle…Dad, said. "Take your seats so that I can get ready for take off."

Al sat next to me and was a non fucking stop chatterbox. It was kind of nice. It was kind of weird. She had been all fucking Emo for the last couple of months before I left. And whenever Jazz or Bella had spoken about her while I was gone it was simply to say she was acting weird.

"What the fucks up squirt?" I finally got my word in.

She laughed. "You are gonna be very happy to see Bella, I think." She smiled her all fucking knowing smile at me. Fuck. I had not missed that.

"Spill Alice." I glared at her when she winked and shook her head.

"Nope. The surprise will be so much better."

"You know, for someone so small, you are hugely fucking annoying." She laughed.

I rolled my eyes and watched Seattle disappear below us once more. I really fucking hoped, that unlike the previous time I thought it, this would be the last time I saw the godforsaken place.

"By the way Edward…" Alice said holding my hand. I scowled as it was not the hand I wanted to be holding right now. Bella… But listened anyway. "Did you know that Esme is moving in with us next week?"

I sat up straighter at that. What the fuck? "What the fuck?"

Alice laughed. "Well… Dad and she are pretty set in their relationship. I mean other than admitting what all of us have always known…" I nodded in agreement as she continued. "And Em and Rose…"

"Whose Rose?"

"Oh right… you weren't here." I glared at her for that. I was fucking too there. I wasn't allowed to live there but I NEVER left Forks. Bella held on to me for me. I was always there with her. "Rosalie J. Cullen. Is officially our new sister." She beamed at the name.

"Oh." I said realizing only because of the J who the fuck she was talking about. "Sounds a little fucking uppity to me." I said truthfully. I had a feeling that if I met a Rosalie in real life I would only piss her off.

Alice slapped my shoulder. Fucking pixie. "Edward!" She chided with a playful smile and tone. "I think it is lovely. And Bella loves it so shut up!" She stuck out her tongue and I chuckled. "Anyway, they need a house and Esme is giving them hers. Em and Rose are heading into what they call her real life experience phase. This is the part where Rose proves that she can live a life as a woman and if she can do this for a year with her hormones therapy and psychological sessions…" Alice held up both hands with fingers crossed. I mimicked her with a mocking smile.

"Don't fucking do that Edward." Ouch the bitch could bite. "That is not fair. You would never want someone making fun of a future that you dreamt for. You wouldn't want us all doing that whenever you talked about Bella."

Fuck. She had me there. "You fucking have me there Al." I patted her knee and leaned over to kiss her forehead. Why the fuck I did that I have no idea.

"Sorry." I said turning to stare out the window.

"Don't mention it… Dad." She said with a giggle in her voice.

"What is it Allie?" Dad called from the cockpit. We looked at each other and laughed.

"Nothing Dad!" We yelled in unison.

We sat in silence the rest of the way there. It was 11:45 pm. Dad said we would touch down in Forks at exactly 12:01 am—exactly one minute after I turned eighteen. Fucking Carlisle. He promised Esme I wouldn't come home until I was eighteen. It was so typical for him to have me there only one minute after his promise was kept.

I rested my head back against the seat and pictured my perfect little Bella. I could see her sleeping in our tree house. Laughing as we danced in the rain on the docks. Closing her eyes and sighing as she let me enter her perfect naked body.

I clenched my jaw and balled my fists. Fuck that was fast. I hadn't been able to really feel any sort of sexual desire while I was away from her. I hadn't even felt the need to fucking jack off once—I had almost forgotten what a hard on felt like. But give me twenty fucking minutes of peace and one memory of her fucking perky breast bouncing above me.

Fuck. "Excuse me Alice." I mumbled with a gruff voice as the sweat broke out on my forehead.

"You okay?" She asked worried. I grunted and ran to the bathroom.

There was not much fucking room in the little space and I bit down on my check to keep myself from making any sounds. This was going to be fucking painful—fucking good.

All at once I was bombarded with visions of Bella—her breasts, her stomach, her lips… fuck her lips. There wasn't enough room to do anything but open my fly and hold myself while standing over the toilet.

Fuck. If Bella could see me now… she would drop my ass so fast. I was frantic and fucking throbbing. My eyes were rolling back in my head and when I finally came it was hard and sharp.

I slid down to the floor against the door—cramped and crippled. Fuck that was good. So fucking good—my body was fucking twitching from the release. But not as good as Bella. I was gasping for air but I was higher than a fucking kite. I wondered if you got to consider yourself a member of the mile high club if you did it by yourself. _You are fucking disgusting Cullen_. I laughed. Cullen. My name was officially Edward Cullen. Fuck me. I laughed. _Just did_.

"Edward?" Alice knocked lightly as she spoke. I looked down at my naked cock and rolled my eyes. Zero to sixty I supposed. My life was flying so fast back to the bliss that was waiting for me in Forks that I could barely control any part of my body.

"I'll be out in a minute Alice." My voice was dark and hoarse. Fuck. I wouldn't rush her in to it. Bella was still very young—fuck, what we had done was stupid at best, and we were fucking lucky considering the fact that we hadn't used a condom. But sex… fuck. I stroked myself again as I felt my body wanting more. Sex with Bella was going to become my new religion. Some guys watched sports channels—I would just have mind blowing sex with my girlfriend. The thought made me giddy.

"Edward?" Alice said again. I grunted as I released for the second time. "We are going to land in a minute."

Fuck a minute. I zipped up and cleaned up my mess. When I opened the door it was like I was fucking Dorothy walking into a Technicolor world. Gone was my fucking grey and white existence with no fucking meaning. I was officially an adult and I was going home. To Bella.

I smiled as I melted into my seat. So fucking satisfied that is was ridiculous. Fuck. The world was a beautiful place.

-**-Bookends-**-

**BPOV (1 am Edward's birthday.)**

There was something lying across my face. Some cold tube pressed into my nostrils. I tried to blow through my nose harder to eject it. But I had no strength.

My body felt numb. Like a two-ton elephant was sitting on top of me. I couldn't remember anything. There was a dark haze that was lying across my memory. For a second I waited for Em to tell me something else about Edward's impending arrest. I was positive I was in the hospital because I had taken that pill. The little blue fucking pill.

That's what Edward was mad about. Last night—when he stood over me with his angry eyes. He was mad about me fucking up his life. And I did. I took that pill. I nearly died. I made him take the blame. I ended up here… I fucking followed him up to that tree house. I fucking forced him to have sex…

"AHHH!" I sat up in bed like someone had shot me in the back. I was screaming so hard and so loud that my mouth hung open and saliva dripped on to my legs. I didn't fucking care. I couldn't do anything but scream. My body was expelling—everything.

Every stupid mistake I had made. Every single time my stomach had cramped. Every single second from the moment he came inside of me. It was gone. Aborted naturally by my own fucking body.

I tore at the shit that was shoved into me. The needles in my arm and the tube in my nose. Fuck! It was all there to help keep this body alive. I didn't want to keep this fucking body alive. It betrayed me. It fucking let me down. I'd show it. I'd fucking kill it the way it killed my baby.

I was a snarling beast—a ravenous wolf as I tore at my own flesh. How the fuck could it do this to me? How the fuck could my own body get rid of the promise I was suppose to keep for Edward. The one fucking thing I could keep safe for him. Protect for him. And my own body was the asshole who robbed me of that.

FUCK!

"BELLA!" Jazz was shrieking next to me. Two male nurses with strong hands restrained me back. I thrashed back and forth. My legs kicked at nothing and everything. I was grunting and growling like a wild dog.

"No!" I yelled. "I jus… you don't… get off of me!" I was possessed. I wanted- had to kill this body. I didn't want to be a part of it anymore. Not now. Not that it had killed my precious baby.

"Bella, calm down." Jazz was pleading. But what did it mean. Calm? How could I even understand that word anymore? My baby was gone. I could feel it. My body was empty. Fucking traitor!

Gone. Loss. Hollow. Fuck. Hell.

I was in hell. I was burning. The room was spinning. I felt the venom in my veins again.

"_No_…" I moaned. The sound was weak. Already the hands were removed because I couldn't move. I tried. Every inch of me strained against the poison. But my lids were already heavy. I blinked once and I was out. Floating in the darkness.

-**-Bookends-**-

I awoke to a beeping. I knew it all too well. Unlike every other time I had ever awoken in a hospital, this time I was crystal clear in my memory.

I opened my eyes slowly. "Jazz?" asked with a hoarse voice. My throat felt like I had been screaming for hours. Maybe I had. I only remembered waking up once, but maybe I had had that episode many times and I was blending them all together.

"Hey Bella." He breathed next to me. I didn't look at him. My eyes were cold and dry. I couldn't cry. I was just numb. Empty. Hollow. Dead.

"When can I go home?" I wouldn't talk about it. I couldn't talk about it. It happened. Let's move on. I needed to get home. I needed… fuck I no longer knew what I was going to do.

I blinked my lids rapidly—waiting for the tears that never fell.

"Actually they said once you woke up you could leave. Your… vitals are healthy and Renee is waiting in the waiting room to sign you out. All in all…" Poor Jazz. He really was trying. He had so much on his shoulders now. And I couldn't help him with that anymore. I was shutdown.

"Okay." I said quietly. "Where are my clothes?" Jazz rebounded from my bluntness and retrieved the clothes for me and then helped me out of bed. I glared at the needle mark on my hand when I got in to the bathroom. I would have to wear a band aid over it for a couple of days so as not to draw attention. Luckily I was a klutz by nature so it wouldn't seem too odd.

I got dressed. Mechanical. Auto pilot.

And I stood by the door after I came out. I had no desire to return to that bed. Jazz just nodded and led me out.

Renee kissed my cheek. I was in a catatonic stupor. Maybe I was just finally in the realist reality. The fantasies of childhood finally cast off and the cold naked light of the world sucked all the color and feeling from everything.

Jazz didn't try to talk to me in the car. Or maybe he did. I didn't know. I wasn't capable of anything anymore. I just watched as the rain began to fall on the window. I rolled mine down and stuck out my hand. I couldn't feel the cold. I held my hand out in the falling drops of ice so long that it was red and limp when I finally drew it back in. But it didn't feel any different to me than it had when I first stuck it out there.

Numb. Cold. Dead. That was me now.

When we got to our house it was noon. Edward had been eighteen for twelve hours now. Edward. My heart wanted to feel something at the thought of his name. In fact it was the most that my mind and body had tried to feel at all since I had awoken. But even the thought him could not change this silent heart of mine.

Jazz said nothing to me as I left him. Again, maybe he did, my ears were pretty useless to me now. All I could hear was the beating of my heart—it was odd. I couldn't feel it beating but I could hear it.

I climbed straight up to the tree house. I didn't exist anywhere else. I was soaking wet and my body shook—probably from the cold that I couldn't feel. I sat with my knees against my chest.

I thought about nothing. Just white. Blank. Empty. Numb.

Suddenly I felt a warmth spreading around me. From behind two bands of unimaginable heat spread out and wrapped around my shivering form. I leaned back against the furnace that was now stilling my body and granting me relief from the cold. My heart even began to feel a little warm from the pulse of the heat behind me.

"Hey baby." The most beautiful voice in the world whispered in my ear. Fuck. I finally did it. I finally lost my fucking mind. Again I waited for the tears to come. If there ever was a moment to cry—it should be when you realize you are insane right?

"Bella." Edward's voice whispered again. I whimpered. I would take this insanity with all my strength. I would rather be here in my crazy head than out there in the cold. I felt like the warmth was moving all over my body—rubbing, stroking, stoking a fire in me that encouraged my limbs to thaw and start to beat with their own warmth once more.

"I miss you Edward." I breathed. It was true. There was no emotion in the flat voice that was generated from my throat. But there was a truth to the words.

"I'm right here baby." I nodded against the dream. Here he would always be. I made him that promise.

I sighed. I rested my head back once more. My mind froze. I lifted my head and knocked it back again. Funny. I may not have had much experience with being fully crazy before but this dream was getting pretty damn substantial. I kept beating my head back against the solid form of my fantasy.

"Bella, could you fucking cut that out?"

My whole body froze. Fuck. Everything inside of me welled up for tears. And I actually felt hot streams run down my cheeks. I looked down to find Edward's arms wrapped around me. My hands slapped on top of his and my heart sped. My lungs drew in heavy amounts of air to taste his scent all around me.

"Edward." I whispered. I spun to find my dream smiling down at me.

"Fuck." I mouthed. He chuckled. It was too much. Or maybe just enough. Fuck. I was falling apart. Tears I didn't realize I was ready to purge were torn from me. Edward just scooped me up and laid us down on the mattress.

"Fuck. Fuck. Fuck." I kept chanting softly as the tears continued to blur my vision. I fisted my hands in his shirt and held on tight.

"Shh…" he said soothingly. He rocked me. He held me. He kissed every inch of my face. His hands never ceased their rubbing and soothing of my skin. I wrapped my arms around him and buried my face in the crook of his neck.

I had no idea how long we staid there like that. But once the tears were slowing and the sun faded completely behind the clouds we lay in peace and quiet. His hands still lightly ran over my back and arms. And my breath still hitched and hiccupped occasionally. But there were no words.

Eventually we fell asleep. I could feel the numbness just beyond the warmth, so I pulled myself tighter against Edward—and he in turn tightened his arms around me. When his heat radiated in to my body it staved off the threat of the nothingness to return. I felt almost human again.

It was wrong. I should have told him. I needed him in so many ways. But right now I would reduce myself to being a demon. His body created something that I craved to survive. Telling him the truth might push him away—and then I would lose what I needed so desperately from him right now. Soon. Someday. Eventually I would tell him. Right now I would be a vampire and feed off the warmth and promise of his body.

I nestled my face against his neck and planted my lips against his flesh. It was almost like being human.


	22. Sleeping in my memory

**Bookends By: Bella's Executioner.**

**Rating: M- this means if you're under 16 you are agreeing to break your own ToS by reading this and I'm not your mother so be responsible for yourself.**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is the sole owner of the world of Twilight. She is Bella's creator. I am Bella's Executioner.**

**A/N: Bookends is the very first fanfiction I started writing. It's been on this site, moved and come back. It has errors, fuck ups and lots of proofs that I'm human but it also has all of my heart and soul in it. I welcome you into this world of pain and love and hope that you enjoy. I also welcome your thoughts as you read—pm me or review and I'll be happy to discuss the story with you.**

**Chapter 22: Sleeping in my memory**

**-**-Bookends-**-**

"We cast away priceless time in dreams, born of imagination, fed upon by illusion, and put to death by reality."—Judy Garland

-**-Bookends-**-

**APOV (2 weeks later)**

I sat in my studio spinning the pencil around and around on the desk. I had scribbled thousands of designs but nothing was calling to me. I felt like a kindergartener with a crayon—with the exception that when I was in kindergarten, I could draw designs better than most professionals.

It was just more frustrating than anything. Being a child prodigy had always impressed everyone around me, but now I was face to face with what it had always done to me- created the most intense fear. Pressure. Expectation. Consistency. What if one day I grew up and with the coming of maturity, I lost the brilliance of my youth?

Judy Garland suffered from the same affliction. She always feared her natural talent and the amazing ease with which it came. At some point you forget to be a kid- and you wonder if all you are is your ability. And what are you then, when that ability goes away?

Judy feared that since her voice was not something she controlled, if she lost it she could never get it back. And so Judy would stop existing and never be found again. I could sympathize with that. I now sat in front of a blocked artist's most hated enemy- a blank white page.

I groaned.

I shoved off the desk and glared out the window. A sunny day in Forks. Someone stop the presses. I wished I could enjoy it. But it just reminded me that summer was here and fall was coming up fast. Soon- Too soon I would be expected to produce once more. What would happen to me if I failed? I never considered the possibility that I could ever fail.

There was a quiet shouting in the back of my mind- or at least there used to be. When I was a kid... I survived on this fantasy- this dream. A vision. I could see my future. See my father and mother and even a brother and sister. I could see a boyfriend and a career. I could see a future.

It was the only thing that got me through. I don't remember the day I was brought there- but I remember the day I left. The shouting was there. The boys had been in the house for less than twenty-four hours and they were nice enough to not beat me away from them.

Other kids were not as nice. Other kids had a lot of anger. Like Bella. Bella was an angry kid. I never understood it. I was always happy. Scared, terrified at times eve, but happy. I saw my future. I saw my daddy and my brothers and on that day... they showed up.

Edward was tolerant. Edward had no patience for happiness even back then. Eight years old and disturbed. That was the difference I suppose- between Edward and Bella. She was angry. She was ready to fit and punch and scream. Edward... Edward was sad and he was drowning in guilt. Someone had told Edward it was his fault- and like a good little son he believed them.

And Jazz... Jazz was just quiet. Jazz was drawn to my outgoing nature because it meant he could just tag along. That day I only knew Jazz for five hours before Carlisle Cullen stormed into my life. But I lived an eternity in his quiet eyes. I could see him in the vision then. He was the boyfriend. I knew it.

And when they were called to leave. The shouting began.

I had never really fought for anything in my life before then. I had just shut up and dealt. I would cry when the pain got too much to contain but I would never talk back. That just led to more pain.

And I knew... saying something right then would mean a beating the likes of which I had never survived. Maybe it still did—my body felt pretty beat up these days. But I couldn't lose him. Not Jazz. So I soldier my hand to his and he didn't make a peep about it. I think we hoped he could sneak me home without anyone noticing.

But... Carlisle Cullen is nothing if not thorough. Especially when an annoying over protective eight year old is bitching about his brother's new appendage.

But it happened again. Just like when I looked in to Jazz's eyes, when my father's kind blue eyes met mine... I knew. He joined the vision in the most overwhelming image. He was my dad. The shouting was enough to split my eardrums then. Even if I, god forbid, lost Jazz someday, I would never lose _this_ person from my life.

And the shouting grew louder still when I met my big brother Jacob and when I met the Swans... A mother and a sister and even another brother all rolled into one household. I found that I could no longer sleep in silence. The shouting was always around me. Forks was like a nightclub—the bass booming so loud and the voices yelling around me that I just felt at home.

The voice told me to be creative- guiding me to my first sketchpad. The shouting screamed when my father insisted that I was more than just talented. And the day I was introduced to Laurent… I was swaying in the nightclub again.

Runways. Magazines. Tall, leggy models with snotty attitudes who would buy my clothes whether they liked it or not. It was more than the dream had ever promised. So much more than I could have hoped for. And the shouting was always there. I knew what to do. I knew where to go. I still had a future.

But then… that night that Jazz called. I jumped on my dad's plane. I hugged those boys to my heart. I gazed into the depths of my love's soul… and the shouting started to grow quiet.

I ignored the signs. I was still happy. Happiest I had ever been really. I had Jazz 24/7. I was finally old enough to enjoy his soft sweet lips. And though he was still quiet around everyone else, Jazz had grown completely open with me. So when the shouting grew quieter still… I really didn't care. All I could hear was Jazz's deep, velvet voice.

He told of his dreams and mine seemed to shift to join his. He whispered his plans and suddenly my path only wanted to follow his. He told me I was beautiful—and for the first time I knew what that word meant.

Then one night, the shouting grew so loud it broke the sound barrier in my mind. In the shadows of that garden it became a different kind of warning in my thoughts. One that told me I had been too selfish and too greedy. I had lived too long taking for granted that this life was real. I had no idea who I was or what I was meant for.

And that shouting was so vicious and constant that I physically felt my self draining and maybe even dying. Everyone looked at me that way then too. Especially Bella. Edward said it once and until that day I did not understand. He told me that he envied Bella her anger. He envied someone being able to feel that and not deny it to their mind and soul. And I hated to have to admit it, but I envied it too.

I watched Bella take that pill. Saw her almost die. It was all for Edward. Over the anger and love that she felt for protecting him. She would rather put herself in danger, or maybe even die, than allow Edward to destroy himself.

The shouting was deafening by that point. I could no longer talk to Jazz—I couldn't hear his dreams no matter how loud he shouted them at me. I could still see my future but only for brief seconds before the noise in my mind shook the image too violently for me to focus on it clearly.

I was draining, and dying and turning in circles in my mind. And I was still creating but it was on some tragic autopilot. I couldn't hope to contain it. I feared for the day it flew out of my reach—for I felt it coming.

And then… all at once, the shouting stopped.

"Alice is my daughter! _You know that_!"… The shouting stopped like a black hole was collapsing the space between my ears. I was gone. Alice was gone. The dream was gone. The voice that whispered to me and kept me on my path… was silenced.

Judy's words echoed in my mind now though—"how strange when an illusion dies. It's as if you've lost a child." My dream now was no longer even a hope of reality—it was a whitewashed illusion. One that had been revealed like a magicians trick. There was nothing left. There was just a death—some hope that had been flushed out of me against my will. _The loss of a child_.

Bella. I hung my head in my hands. I was the worst best friend in the history of best friends. I really wanted to go find her. But Jazz was better suited for this now. They were there together. They needed this little moment together to deal with what was going on.

"You going for the Fred Flintstone look this season?" Edward said behind me.

"Maybe." I hated having to defend my designs—it was sort of new for me. My work had always just been loved. Now… I was learning some much needed humility I supposed.

"Where's Bella?" I knew the answer. She and Jazz headed off to some place secret every afternoon. Jazz was going in to the psychiatric field in college this fall and apparently he was actually very well versed in some of it already.

Edward shrugged and sat at my stool while I continued to lean against the windowsill.

"She said she had some shopping to do today." His face was a little… sad. Edward had been so hopeful on the plane ride home. Hell, I had finally become at least a little hopeful as we flew home. But Bella really couldn't be expected to offer him any hope right now.

I practically glared at the Swan house as I tried to find the right words of support. We were sworn to secrecy over the baby. And for the most part I understood her wishes. Bella didn't want Edward to feel responsible. But… he deserved to know the truth. I just prayed that one day she could offer it to him.

"I am wondering why you are not shopping with her…" Edward wasn't looking at me when I turned to respond. He was spinning the pencil just as I had earlier. I wondered what part of him he was afraid of losing some day.

Then I thought about what I had to tell him—right, he was terrified to lose Bella.

I cleared my throat and went back to staring out at the disgustingly over exposed backyard. I prayed for rain soon. "You know… Bella and I, we kind of grew apart this past year." It burned like acid in my stomach to say it. I yearned for the shouting to make my brain not accept it as the truth that it was. But it was true. I had pushed Bella away and now when she might actually need me… I was still miles away from her.

"Yeah." Edward's sad voice agreed. "I know how you feel."

That burned worse than the acid of my own betrayal. Because maybe if I had pushed myself back to Bella, I could have forced her to handle this differently. I could have seen what was coming and told her to not let go of Edward's hand. I would not have resented the happiness I saw her and Edward finally having that night that my world was split in two. I was just as guilty as any of them for this pain that he felt now too.

"Edward, you need to just be patient with Bella. She has gone through a lot… She had to… it wasn't easy for her to _survive_ without you." In the infamous words of my new big brother—fuck. That was the understatement of the year. Survival was barely strong enough for what Bella was going through now.

There was a part of Bella that was just dead. I knew it when I looked into her eyes two weeks ago. The dead part of me even jumped back at the void in Bella's eyes. She couldn't even hide it from Edward. And that killed her all the more.

"Alice? Just promise that… I dunno… Fuck. Bella pulls away when I try to touch her at all… even innocently. Just promise me…" His eyes were tortured when I looked over at his plea.

"Promise what Edward?"

"That she doesn't feel that I… I raped her." The last was just a whisper—though it shouted across my mind in shades of red and black.

"How the hell do you even begin to think that Edward?"

"Well… Alice… You weren't there. It was fast… It was painful—for her."

"Edward, that girl loves you and she wanted it just as much as you did!"

"No Alice! She was afraid! She felt guilty for me having to leave… She felt responsible to take care of me…"

I rolled my eyes and took two steps toward him. This was going to fucking hurt me more than it hurt him. His face was severe in self disgust and fear. I wouldn't allow him to even consider this anymore. I reached out and slapped his cheek with the full force of my anger.

"FUCK!" He screamed and jumped to feet. Pissed and ready to slap me back.

"You ever… EVER fucking imply that girl was too weak to deny you if she wanted I will do something more extreme than just slap you Edward Cullen! No girl cries rape after the fact just because it was the greatest sex imaginable. And if she does then she doesn't know that the fuck she is talking about!"

I was breathing hard and my tiny hands were solid fists that were ready to swing again if he said the wrong thing.

"Sorry Alice!" He threw up his hands as understanding dawned in his eyes. "I just didn't know what to think. You haven't seen the way she… cowers from me when I try to touch her."

I knew Edward wasn't talking about trying to get her to have sex. I had seen it. I saw when he reached out to stroke her arms in a gentle caress that Bella's whole body would freeze before allowing him to continue. I saw that when he leaned in to kiss her cheek intimately that she would shut her eyes tight before returning the gesture. And each time I saw it, it was like a punch to my gut because I knew exactly how Bella felt.

I didn't do it with touching—I did it with my thoughts and emotions. But I still had treated Jazz like that every day since the day I was confronted in that garden.

I wound my arms around Edward's waist and hugged him. To my utter shock and surprise he just draped his arms around me and hugged back.

"Just give her time Edward. I promise that she didn't feel the way you think. It just is a lot for anyone to process. And Bella's mind and heart are just remembering how much it hurt to think she lost you before. She is just… protecting herself from that kind of pain again." That was the truth. He didn't realize on what level it really was true, but I wasn't lying to him right now about that. Bella really was protecting her body from having to face the utter hell that losing his child had caused. And her mind was making a connection between Edward touching her—and her becoming pregnant once more.

"Time Edward." I leaned back and looked deep into his chocolate brown eyes. They were pained as they had always been since that first time I met him.

"Time." He breathed.

"_I've always taken 'The Wizard of Oz' very seriously, you know. I believe in the idea of the rainbow. And spent my entire life trying to get over it." _

-**-Bookends-**-

**JPOV**

"You finish the antibiotics today right?" It was more than just weird to try to talk to Bella anymore. I had a lot of shit to work through myself…least of which was that night two weeks ago.

But it was selfish to dwell on my own shit right now. This poor girl in front of me needed something… and she refused to reach out for anything that might truly help her. Bella clung to some desperate hope that I could help her survive.

It was logical I supposed—I had been the one to take her to the hospital. I had been the one to force her to call Renee. I had been there every time, out of the fifteen times she woke up after the fact and tried to destroy her self out of the agony that was consuming her.

But I couldn't hope to do this right. Bella was developing a split personality of sorts. An attempt to lock away the old, broken Bella to protect this body and mind that was still living. Now that Edward was back she had a purpose, but I could tell that she was going to burn that hope out eventually too—Bella needed professional help to work through this.

"Bella? Talk to me about last night." Every night she had the same experience. She had this nightmare—one that told her that she would break Edward's heart and he would leave her. It terrified her. There was a part of Bella's mind that craved even just the idea of Edward to survive. She wrapped every hope of her humanity and soul around Edward's existence in her life.

I didn't have to have the degree to know that wasn't healthy. But I also knew that pushing this kid too far—well Bella had proved many times what she was capable of if she felt threatened. I couldn't watch her destroy herself and by extension everyone else I loved because I pushed her too far.

So I just listened. And I hoped. My brother was a miracle worker when it came to protecting people. Look at me. Hell, look at Tanya. But I feared this girl would be the biggest mistake of Edward's life someday. Edward was only human too—and it would kill both of them when he proved that fact.

"It was the same Jazz. I just felt…" She hugged her legs to her chest. "I felt alone. I woke up and Edward had gone down to get us breakfast and I just kept whispering 'he's gone'… he was freaked out when he came back. What am I doing to him?" Her voice was strained and she started hitting her forehead against her knees.

Physical displays with Bella had to be refocused immediately. That was the key that I wanted to help her move past before we all broke at the end of the summer. I had to get her past wanting to hurt herself when she felt upset. She didn't consciously control it anymore. She had had to block it out in the hospital.

She even forgot about the psychologist coming in to talk to her to evaluate if she was okay to check out. She locked away the urge so that she looked 'normal' enough to leave. But it was still there—it was her mind's way of punishing her body for betraying her.

"Bella, we talked about this." That was all I would say. Her movements froze as soon as she heard me.

"One… two… three… four… five…" She took deep calming breaths between each number. She was channeling something she didn't even realize was controlling her. I was so afraid for her. Bella really needed to face this. But then the best way to face it was to talk about it—with more people than just the guy who survived it with her.

She took one last deep steadying breath as she reached ten. "Thank you Jazz." She whispered. She looked up at me and I didn't react at all to the way her eyes made me feel.

Her eyes were making everyone flinch these days. No one talked about it. But everyone could see that there was something very wrong with Bella, when they looked into her eyes. But I had perfected a non reaction to this. She trusted me with her healing. I would not make her feel uncomfortable here. I owed her that respect for that trust.

"When does Edward leave for Boston?" It was juvenile I know, but my brother and I had given each a wide berth since that morning two weeks ago. Of course he had earned it with the information that he admitted he had been keeping from me.

"In a week." Her face was sallow and white as she said it.

I clamped down on my own problems and turned my full attention back to Bella. "Listen." I took her hands in mine and looked deep into the slowly fading green of her eyes. "You need to figure out what you want to do now Bella. Where do you want to go? Are you going to Port Angeles, or maybe Seattle?"

Her face grew worried. Uh-oh. She hadn't thought of this before now. Dammit. "I… I… I don't know… I hadn't really thought…. Oh god Jazz! What do I do when he leaves?"

I could practically feel her pulse speeding at the thought. "Calm down Bella. You know that you don't HAVE to Edward physically here to survive."

I nodded as I said the words and she tried to force her head to nod along with mine. Neither of us really believed it. I knew that I physically had to have Alice with me or else I would go insane. But Bella would… there would not be happy results with Bella's mental state if she didn't start facing so harsh realities. She was not even sixteen years old. She wouldn't be allowed to just follow Edward off to college.

"O- kay." She whispered. "I will think about it."

I looked at my watch. It was such a therapist thing to do. "Ten o'clock." I said. I resisted the urge to tell her to schedule her next appointment with my secretary.

"Come on," I stood and reached for her to take my hand. She looked at my hand and got up on her own. She hugged her arms around her middle and we headed out of the woods and back towards the house.

-**-Bookends-**-

The house was practically empty when we got there. Edward swept down the stairs like he just knew Bella was waiting for him by the door. They shared an intense silent moment of staring into each other's eyes when he reached her.

He didn't even acknowledge me being there. No one else existed when Bella was in his eyesight these days. I wondered what Edward thought or felt when it came to her right now. She couldn't possibly be acting normal around him. I wondered how he was bending her actions as something he was responsible for.

I sighed. I didn't want to see him try to kiss her. Nothing hurt more than watching Edward try to kiss Bella these days… well almost nothing. Looking my big brother in the eyes—the guy who had raised me from birth, and not telling him about the morning of his eighteenth birthday. That fucking stabbed me in the heart.

I headed up stairs with no real direction in mind. I figured Al was gone—she had to get her rough designs off to Laurent by the end of the week. She usually went to her office/studio space that Dad rented for her in Forks. So I figured her home-studio would be empty.

I sat on her stool. It was lowered so close to the ground that it made me smile. Alice was such a huge part of my life—I often forgot how tiny she was in form.

I looked at the blank sheet clipped to the desk. I frowned. Al was blocked. There was no other explanation for this empty sheet. I had never seen an empty sheet of white paper that Al hadn't tried to scribble something on before.

Damn.

I pressed my hands—open palmed to the page. Would that I could heal whatever it was that ate at her too. Not just because I was dying without her—but because she didn't deserve to ever feel this kind of pain. Not anymore. She was too good for that kind of pain.

Two little hands smoothed up my chest from behind. My breath stopped. I closed my eyes slowly as I felt my… my heart restarting.

"Hi." She whispered in my ear. I wanted to groan. To anyone else this was just a simple touch. Something that had no other meaning than just skin on skin. Maybe an understanding of the emotions that came along with intimacy. But no—no one could ever understand what just feeling Alice touch me did to me. It made me feel alive. It made me feel.

Her arms wound around me—a hug to anyone else. A declaration to me. I was back. We were back. She was letting me know that whatever it was that had pushed her away—she wanted to work through it.

I wanted to cry. How did she know that I needed this more than anything else right now? How did she always know? She nestled her nose in my neck and I really did groan. My hands fisted against the symbol of Al's distress.

This was just a simple innocent touch to anyone else—to us, it was practically obscene. I tingled everywhere. My heart hammered in my chest. Alice might as well have been naked on top me. This moment felt that good.

"Jazz? Can we talk?" I nodded slowly. Whatever she wanted. If she touched me like this—she could do whatever else she wanted with me.

"Yes." I breathed. I was almost afraid of speaking—this was a whisper of a dream that I knew could go up in smoke if I disturbed it too fast.

I stood and she dropped her arms only long enough to grab one of my hands in hers. I smiled down at her when she did. She smiled up at me. It was better than fucking sex. Edward would never really get it. He and Bella shared something that I couldn't understand either—but Alice and me- we were just each other's hearts.

"Where?" She asked. I was taken off guard by that one. What was wrong with here? I thought about it. I didn't really like the thought of forcing Al to go there but it was the most secluded place I knew.

"There is a place in the woods that's quiet. We could go there."

She nodded and stepped back for me to lead the way.

It was quiet as we left the house. Almost void of all sound as we entered the woods. But I could hear my heart and maybe even hers beating strong in that silence. So it was not a sad loss of noise. Just a peace.

"Jazz…" She said when we reached the meadow. "I have to apologize for the way I have treated you. But… I just found out that… I found out that I wasn't who I thought I was all of my life."

It was almost mean of me to do it. But I was kind of giddy from this moment of being with her and excited to have happy news to share from my end. So when I smirked at her the look she threw me was understandable. But I recovered quickly to justify my actions. "Sorry, Al, it's just… so did I."

She narrowed her eyes and tried to understand what I was saying.

"I was adopted… by Tanya. I'm not really her son, or Edward's biological brother. And…" My chest felt a thousand times lighter as I said it. Even the black shit that was drowning me around Bella seemed forgotten in this moment.

"And it so liberating you know? I don't feel… feel her watching me with her cruel eyes anymore."

I smiled and my hands gripped Alice's sides as if I was afraid of floating off the earth. She smiled—a bright enchanting glow across her face. I fell in love with her all over again.

"Wow." She whispered. I nodded. It was tremendous news. She leaned up on her toes then. And all at once I was flying—lifting off in to heaven. Alice's perfect little lips were secured to mine and I was on top of the world.

She whimpered when my tongue broke into her mouth. And we both moaned together when her tongue started to stroke against mine.

It was more than I had ever felt before. It was like my skin was suddenly too sensitive. The air around us was buzzing with our shared desires. And all at once we were on the ground—she beneath me as I began to almost devour her very soul with my mouth.

She wasn't complaining. Her hands were working my shirt off. I didn't fight it. It had been too damn long. I needed this. Needed Alice's touch. Her skin. Her scent. Her heart. It was mine. And she was offering it to me freely right now. I would take it with all my might.

My breath was ragged when I finally broke our kiss. She needed to breathe—so I let her while my lips continued to taste and love her. Her hands were in my hair—on my now bare shoulders. I was wrapped in a cloud of Alice. And I never wanted to come down.

It was insanity. Maybe it was just therapy. We both needed a moment to just join together. But it was as if I couldn't control it—didn't want to control it. And when she spoke I was past the point of rational thought.

"Jazz…" She whispered in a seductive voice that made my crotch thrust against her unthinkingly. All I could do was growl. I was moving into a whole new me as I continued to explore this woman beneath me. Gone was the sweet Jazz formerly Masen, recently named Cullen and apparently first named Hale. This was some creature that was created to love Alice. And I was almost a little afraid of him and what he intended to do to her.

"Take me." My eyes snapped to hers at her words. There was some part of my mind that was considering what this meant. Considering the fact that though Al and I had been very intimate with each other for several years—we had never had sex. And then that part of my mind thought of Bella. Thought of how she looked sitting not two feet away from where Alice was pressed into the tall grass and flowing wild flowers. Would this be a mistake like it was for Edward and Bella?

"Please…" Alice begged. Her eyes shown with something beyond love and desire. And I found my head nodding in defeat immediately. I needed this too.

I lowered my lips to hers once more. If Al did end up pregnant—no one could force me out of her life. Though neither of us ever wanted to bring a child into this world. Who could blame us? Neither of us ever felt loved as children—there was so much potential for a parent to ruin a child that we did not want to ever have that responsibility.

"Yes." I pledged. I would do whatever she wanted.

I undressed her slowly—enjoying every inch of her delicate body. Every single inch belonged to me—only me. And I put my lips and tongue against every inch of what was mine. I loved her- With my hands and my heart. And she returned the favor. I was again losing my mind to the swirl of her around me. She pushed me on to my back and I groaned as she sat across my legs.

I had thought Esme Swan had looked ravishing on top of my adopted father that night I walked in on them. But that is only because I had not seen Alice on top of me before.

I watched as my hands slid up her sides and cupped her pert breasts. She moaned slightly and closed her eyes. Perfect. She was absolutely perfect.

Then her hands came to rest on top of mine and with a devilishly Alice smile, she lowered my hands to my side. "Stay." She commanded and I complied.

She leaned over to retrieve her pants. I was perplexed but I was also too far gone to even think. Alice sat inches away from my throbbing erection. I was trying not to completely lose my mind over that—especially since my legs could feel just how ready she was for me too.

She fumbled through the pocket of her pants and smiled when she produced the tiny foil wrapped object. A condom. Alice had been prepared to have sex with me today? I raised an eyebrow. Words were almost never necessary when it came to me and Alice.

She giggled slightly and winked. She unwrapped the godsend and then I slammed my head against the ground as she rolled it on to me. I prayed—prayed for the strength to survive this moment without losing control. Edward had gone over in excruciating detail what kind of control he had to have with Bella that day. That the need to just rush and end was almost too overwhelming. My eyes were rolling back in my head and I was biting my lip so hard that I could taste blood once Alice was done.

I groaned as she continued to explore the lower part of my body. I was going to lose it.

"Roll over." I grunted as I turned her suddenly. I smoothed a hand down the front of her body. Her eyes were hooded with lust and dark—almost midnight black with need.

We both gasped when my fingers found her entrance. She arched her back and neck and moaned. I was flying even higher at the sight. All mine.

We looked into each other's eyes as I entered her slowly—agonizingly slowly. Every heartbeat was shared—every breath was matched. Alice and I were one. And though she had a moment of sharp pain, she held to me for the support of getting through it. And I lay still, an unbelievable mercy of control washing over me in that moment, waiting for her to adjust and be ready to continue.

Edward had described his moment with Bella as rushed, frantic and awesome. I would agree about awesome—it was like walking into perfection to feel Alice and me reaching that peak together. But our moment was slow, peaceful and tender.

When we finished we lay embraced in all ways and gazed into each other's eyes.

"I am the biological daughter of Mary Alice Brandon and Carlisle Cullen. I was stolen from my father when I was born. And returned to him because I met you. Because you wouldn't let me go." Her voice was only a whisper—this was a secret and a truth that she intrusting only to me.

Tears were welling in her loving eyes as she spoke. And I felt mirrored tears fall from on my cheeks as I leaned in and kissed her.

Every second for the rest of our lives would be like this. Maybe not happy. Sometimes filled with so much pain that our hearts would break. But this swelling of completion and belonging that we two orphans felt—it would exist forever. And we would be joined like this for the rest of our lives.


	23. What a good boy

**Bookends By: Bella's Executioner.**

**Rating: M- this means if you're under 16 you are agreeing to break your own ToS by reading this and I'm not your mother so be responsible for yourself.**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is the sole owner of the world of Twilight. She is Bella's creator. I am Bella's Executioner.**

**A/N: Bookends is the very first fanfiction I started writing. It's been on this site, moved and come back. It has errors, fuck ups and lots of proofs that I'm human but it also has all of my heart and soul in it. I welcome you into this world of pain and love and hope that you enjoy. I also welcome your thoughts as you read—pm me or review and I'll be happy to discuss the story with you.**

**Chapter 23: What a good boy**

**-**-Bookends-**-**

"_When I was born, they looked at me and said  
what a good boy, what a smart boy, what a strong boy.  
And when you were born, they looked at you and said,  
what a good girl, what a smart girl, what a pretty girl.  
We've got these chains that hang around our necks,  
people want to strangle us with them before we take our first breath.  
Afraid of change, afraid of staying the same,  
when temptation calls, we just look away."_

_(Barenaked Ladies)_

-**-Bookends-**-

**CPOV (a week before Edward leaves for Boston)**

It was a little surreal, even now, to accept my reality. With the childhood I had… happiness never seemed obtainable. I smoothed my hand over Esme's sofa in my living room.

It was like the two worlds that I had lived between were finally coming together.

-**-Bookends-**-

**(Forks 1981)**

"You and Tanya shut the fuck up today. You get me kid?" My father's beer staled breath pushed past his lips and stung my nose. I nodded my head fast and averted my eyes to my baby sister.

She was small enough to still need a car seat but my father was an evil man. Tanya was pretending to sleep-lucky her. He slammed the door as he headed across the street to the bank.

I sighed. Eight years old and the weight of the world already on my shoulders. Mom used to tell me I was a grown up stuck in a kid's body.

I could see my mother's eyes in my mind. She was always so sad. I wondered if people could see that sadness in my eyes now too.

I watched the sleepy town of Forks, Washington pass around our beat up car. No one seemed to notice us. Good. I'd been worried that moving to a small town would make us subject of scrutiny.

The one thing kids who hide the signs of an abusive parent don't like is being seen.

Across the street, cattycorner to the bank was a park. Well really it was just a large patch of grass with two benches but I believed in Forks it must be thought a park. There was a small group of kids playing there. Some of them older than me, but most of them looked to be my age.

I didn't wonder if any of these kids would be in my class. There weren't enough kids in this town to make up more than one school. I watched. Wishing I was a normal kid. Desperate to just be able to run and jump and play and scream—for something other than true fear.

My eye was drawn to the one child standing alone on the grass. She didn't look sad, she just looked… content to be alone. Curious. Tanya wiggled in her sleep. I ignored her.

I found myself entranced by the lone girl.

Her chestnut hair framed a heart shaped face. And her rosy cheeks looked as if they'd been kissed by her pink bud of a mouth. I couldn't see the color of her eyes but even from this distance I could see that she was happy. She glowed as she watched the other children play. She inched closer to one of the benches and I realized what she reminded me of- the mothers. She looked just like all of the mothers sitting there watching their children play. She had to be only a few years younger than me—and she was already more an adult than any of the other kids.

Something told me I would get along with that girl. I was no child myself.

A squad car pulled up next to the bank. And simply from the shade and slight curl to the chief's hair, I could tell he was the girl's father. She ran to him when he called her name. I wished that I could hear it. And the way her face lit up—I actually felt my lips pull into a smile.

I hadn't smiled in years. Though this smile was not some full goofy kid smile. This was the crooked smile that I hated to see on my father's face. But it was genuine. I was so wrapped up in the image of the smiling angel and her loving father that the loud knock on my window nearly gave me a heart attack.

I jumped and Tanya snorted in her sleep—though she went right back to dreaming without another word.

I cringed as I turned. What did Jack want now? He told us to shut the fuck up—to stay in the car. What was I doing wrong now?

I was practically ready to pull my hair out when my eyes found the light hazel ones staring back at me. This was another girl—closer to my age I presumed. And far less willing to be secluded than the angel across the street. This girl's cheeks were flushed but from excitement. And I could see she was missing two of her front teeth as she smiled and yelled "hi" through the glass to me. She waved her hand and giggled and that made the crooked smile peek back out. I liked this girl too. Well… I liked _her_. I wasn't sure like was the appropriate word for what I felt when I looked at the angel across the street.

I was lost in thought of the comparison when another loud rap on the window drew my attention. I nearly pissed myself to find the angel smiling quietly at me beside the excited girl. Brown. Her eyes were brown. And beautiful… and endless.

I was only eight years old. But I was lost in a profound moment in those eyes. The waving girl stood witless to the exchange, but I don't think it was lost on the angel.

What's your name? She mouthed. I smiled wider at that.

"Carlisle," I yelled. She smiled. I often wondered if I should hate my name. It was old fashioned but my mother had like old fashioned things. Anyway it wasn't Jack Jr. so I was pleased about that.

She mouthed her name… but I couldn't make sense of it. The excited girl was yelling Mary as if I had asked indicated curiosity in her name.

It was risky—stupid even, but I wanted to hear her name. I rolled the window down.

"_Esme,_" she whispered. _Esme_. I liked it. It fit next to the old fashioned Carlisle.

She was something more real with the window down. Her scent—oranges...and flowers—was washing over me in waves. Both girls flinched at some sight on the other side of the car.

Fuck.

Jack was back. I rolled the window up quickly and the girls backed away from the car untouched but there was no way he hadn't noticed me talking to them. And there was no way I wasn't going to get blood on my new clothes tonight.

He said nothing as he got in to the driver's seat. But the anticipation of the pain was like an electric shock in my body. I caught a glimpse of the girls as well turned the corner and headed to my grandfather's old home.

Esme. Yes. I would pay for finding out her name. But it was worth it.

She was worth it.

-**-Bookends-**-

She lived next door.

Fuck.

Tanya sat under the giant tree that was the marker of the border between the Whitlock yard and the Cullen yard. And I just stood staring at the squad car. It was really rather ironic. She was the police chief's daughter—and my father was now living next door to her. My father—Jack Cullen. The man who sent me to the emergency room ten times last year with the evidence of his abuse.

Poetic almost.

Mom and Grandpa Cullen were looking out for me I supposed. With them both dying within a year of each other—and Grandpa leaving this house in trust for me… I just couldn't trust coincidence.

"Wha' big brothur?" Tanya was missing both of her front teeth. Not because she lost them naturally. It gave her a lisp that was endearing—to everyone but Jack.

"Nothing Tanya. Go inside and wash up. We have to see what there is for dinner."

I couldn't see her in the house. But I could feel her. It was like she was in the park—she was some watchful presence that soothed and protected from afar.

I liked the sensation.

"CARLISLE!" I jumped. Fuck.

_What did I do now?_

My breath sped and I searched the darkening woods behind the house for some secret passage away from this place. Even here in the quiet town of Forks—home to one of the most precious creatures I had ever seen. Even here Jack was an ass.

And I wasn't safe.

I turned to face his anger inside the privacy of the house. And as I did… I am sure I caught the hint of big brown eyes watching me from the window upstairs. I didn't turn to see. I didn't want her to see the shame ever present in my eyes.

Or the fear.

-**-Bookends-**-

**(1983)**

It was completely unavoidable—becoming friends with the girls. Mary refused to stay away from me as soon as I started school. Esme was just quietly happy to see me.

I enjoyed it. I never got along with other boys. I had an anger that led to a short fuse and temper and that led to fighting. And me fighting at school meant I was shown a real punch at home.

It was annoying. That Esme was two years younger than me. Mary was only a few months younger—she made a point to sit next to me in class. She was the only one I was allowed to see at lunch because younger kids ate an hour before us… she made a point of standing between Esme and I as we walked home.

But eventually Mary went home. And Esme was the girl who lived next door.

Her window was directly across from mine. I took the third floor room as soon as I saw it. In all honesty it was just the attic. But I went about converting it into a room. Yes there were five bedrooms on the second floor—but I wanted to be as far away as I possibly could from all the shit that went on in that house.

Jack didn't argue with me on the renovation. First of all the house was in my name. Yes in trust but still I would ultimately end up the owner of this property and he wouldn't be able to dispute that. And secondly he didn't have the abilities necessary to do renovations. Jack could do one thing—drink. And he did that like a pro.

I was proud of the little space I carved for myself in the hidden darkness upstairs. I watched the light in Esme's window come on when the sun faded and stayed up until I saw the light shut off.

In truth I only became friends with Mary because I was obsessed with getting to know Esme… But Esme never spoke to me. She would smile. And she would blush. But she was too shy to really talk to me.

So I ended up having to get to know Mary… and she wasn't so bad. There was an aggressive lovable flare to everything she did. Mary made her mind up to do something and she did it. No bullshit. But then that often led to some conflict. Because if her mind was made up that she was going to always be first to use the swings at lunch, the other kids would have to be forced to move.

I used to think I got in to a lot of fights at school. Mary had me beat by a handful of detentions every single day. I guess that was the other thing she and I had in common that Esme would never understand. Mary's life was hell too.

Her father was unknown since her mother was a traveling actress for most of her life. Mary was born in California but lived in almost every state. Like me, she ended up in the Pacific Northwest because there was a home waiting for them here. Mary's mother, Elizabeth Brandon, aspired to be a great actress. But she was like every other aspiring actress—unemployed most of the time. Occasionally she would get a job but it would usually mean she would have to leave town and either take Mary with her or leave her with a willing family.

Esme's family was always willing to take her in. The girls were like sisters. Esme was the gentle and persistent, seemingly older sister who looked out for Mary and Mary was the assertive, rash, and loyal sister who defended Esme.

And everyday I found myself lucky enough to be drawn into their secret partnership. I was the brother. And I was good at being that brother—ask my baby sister.

But even at my young age I knew there was a price that would come from such a relationship. I always wanted more—wanted someone to hold me in their heart the way I did with the ones I loved. I was a good big brother to Tanya, but could seh be the best little sister to me? I enjoyed Mary's friendship but would she take that attention away if I no longer met her needs?

It was a frustrating position to stand in—always waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under me.

But the remedy for the worry was simple—I watched the light turn on as the sun went down and when the light went off, so did I.

-**-Bookends-**-

**(1987)**

Freshman year. The year I met the only guy I have ever honestly considered murdering in cold blood. Charlie Swan.

I didn't like him from the second he showed up in Forks. Scratch that I fucking hated him. Hated that his parents were so goddamn rich. Hated that he got invited to have dinner at the Whitlock's house every Friday night. Hated that I looked like poor white trash standing next to him.

As always, I could count on Mary to help me feel somewhat normal.

Mary's mom was leaving her with the Newton family for the fall. She was following some theater workshop in New York. Mary didn't mind. She never fucking gave a crap where she ended up. It was just a bed to her.

In some ways I envied her that. I needed a place to belong. I never had a place that I could just call mine. It was the most all-consuming desperation in me. Build a home. Raise a family. Belong.

And Charlie motherfucking Swan, the guy whose family had four homes across the country, sat nibbling on his prepackaged lunch across the table from me that day. Asshole. He could buy fifteen houses at once if he wanted to. He would never appreciate what it felt like to have nothing- the way I did. The way Mary did.

Mary kept the conversation going. But I just wished like hell that Esme was in high school. She may not speak to me, but having her around always made me feel... relieved or something.

"Come on Carlisle." Mary was whining as we walked to our English class. "You know damn well that it's always nice to have a rich friend."

"Mary I don't look for the angle like you do. I have friends. No strings. You..." I surveyed her with a knowing eye. "You seek to get something out of the arrangement."

She laughed. "Then why am I friends with you?"

"Because I'm dead sexy," I said with a growl. I reached over and caught her waist in my hands and tickled her sides. She laughed and squirmed. I released her so that she could link her elbow around mine. It was always a funny feeling being with Mary like this. In so many ways it was natural and easy—but there was always just enough of my self that was guarded away that I felt like I was cheating her out of something.

"You really want to learn about some dead poet?" She whined when we were neck and neck with the turn to both building four and the "escape route" to the forest.

I scowled for a moment. We were studying Shakespeare—_Macbeth_. I knew I had an image to uphold as some badass bad boy for her but… damn I loved Shakespeare. My mom used to read it to me when I was kid.

"Um.." I took one more minute to consider the options. If I went to class I would get to discuss one of my favorite plays in the codex. But if I left… I suddenly remembered that Esme got out of school in twenty minutes.

"Sure," I decided in the next heartbeat.

As we left I noticed Charlie Swan heading to building four. Bitch would get to discuss my favorite plot and characters for the next hour but I didn't give a crap- I would get to see Esme in less than thirty minutes.

I win.

-**-Bookends-**-

**(1989)**

The new freshmen huddled together in clumps in the hallways. It was annoying—the first day of school. I didn't remember being so impossibly sheep-like in my youth.

It was fucking hot in the hallway in my jacket but I kept it on. Mary had told me I looked sexy when I found it last year. And right about now… I was very much interested in looking sexy.

She was leaning up against her locker when I spied her. Esme. Mary threw her hair over her shoulder to laugh at whatever she'd said—she just gave that shy smile and shook her head. Typical Esme. She didn't want to draw attention to herself even when she was telling a hilarious joke.

I stopped by the boys' bathroom to watch them in secret.

Fuck. She was smiling… her smile always did things to me—made me feel loopy in my head. She looked up through her lashes as some boys walked by. Fuck. That did something else entirely to me. Made me feel like I needed some private time in the bathroom.

I glared at the boys once they caught up to where I was standing. I would pulverize any of them if they took that shy look as an invitation. I wanted to lock her away so that only I could see her look like that. So that no one else could see her and touch her and smell her… I took a deep breath. I felt like I could smell her from here. Esme smelled like orange blossoms and spring flowers.

I closed my eyes and suppressed the groan. I wasn't falling for this girl—I was buried up to my eyeballs for her. I swallowed hard as I turned my eyes to Mary. Mary. The girl who sat next to me everyday for the last eight years. The girl who hung out and smoked with me in the woods when we ditched school. The girl who had actually come over to my house and seen the inside of my room. And the girl who I knew in a heartbeat would be my girlfriend and take care of these needs that were suddenly consuming my every thought and move.

But she wasn't the girl I _wanted_ to do those things with. I wanted Esme. Wanted her to sit next to me and try to ignore me like she did whenever I was around her. Try. Not succeed. I always saw it—she would glance at me from the corner of her eye. And her breath would speed up when I would turn and wink. I could sit in that torture chamber forever. Her fighting some urge to just look at me for once, while I played with her need to do so. And I wanted her to be the girl who knocked the smoke out of my hand and scolded me that she wanted me around for the next hundred years. Hell, she wouldn't even let me ditch. She liked school. And rules.

Esme lived her life by rules.

I didn't want her to be the girl who came over though.

My house was shit with Jack inside it. Someday—after he died, she could come over and make that house the home I needed it to be. Only having her there would make it that. A home. Esme was just the symbol of family and love and peace. And I craved that from her. She licked her lips and drew her bottom one between her teeth. Fuck. I craved her for everything.

I wanted Esme to be my girlfriend—wanted her to explore me. To have me explore and adore her. It was more than obsession. I could feel deep down in my soul that I belonged to her that way.

I was lost in contemplative thought and lustful fantasies when I heard it. Esme laughed out loud. It made me weak in the knees. But then I saw who'd made her laugh. I punched the wall hard enough to make my knuckle bleed. The freshman boy coming out of the restroom just turned around with wide eyes and hid in his stall.

Fucking Charlie Swan. I would have to kill that motherfucker someday. I snarled under my breath as I watched him with her. Esme looked him in the eye. Esme smiled at his words. She even spoke to him. That stung.

Fuck.

"Carlisle?" Trust Mary to spoil a sulk. I looked up to see her waving me over. I glared at her but gave up and joined them. I was never comfortable around Swan. He breathed pretension, I just breathed air. I nodded to the motherfucker without looking at him and glanced quickly away from Esme. I think she gave me that shy smile—I didn't have the heart to see. She wouldn't talk to me. I knew that much.

"You ready for your first day, Ez?" I really didn't like Mary's nickname for Esme. Her name was beautiful just the way it was—why give it some stupid nickname?

"I suppose…" She practically whispered breathlessly. I frowned down at her while she looked at her hands—and blushed. Fuck she was cute when she blushed.

"No worries," The motherfucker said—putting his arm around her shoulders like _he_ had known her for eight years. "I'll protect you." I didn't miss that he glared at me when he said it.

_Bring it on bitch_. I thought. I was hardly the worst influence on this campus. Fuck, Mary was her best friend and she was the one responsible for all the shit I got into.

But as I thought it I saw Esme look up at him meekly and smile. Then her eyes darted quickly to me and then to the ground.

Fuck.

Did she tell him she was afraid of me? My face grew darker the longer I had to stand there and watch that bastard's arm around my angel's shoulders… and the more I was trapped in the belief that she was actually afraid of me.

It made sense really—she lived next door to the shithole that was my life. She heard my father yell. She saw the ambulance come to get me. She knew that there was a great potential for violence and anger in my life. And I couldn't blame her from wanting distance from that.

Fuck.

By the time the bell rang and I headed to my first class I was pissed. I had hated my father all of my life. I'd been ashamed and angry over all the shit that made me someone who could never be normal. But knowing that Esme would feel safe around Charlie Swan because she was afraid of me—the fucking monster that I was… That drained everything out of me. I was past pissed and filled with hate.

I was just numb with self loathing.

I kept looking at my hands as I sat at my lab table in Biology. I sat alone because Mary opted for an extra year of P.E. to not have to take science. I loved science. Loved the human body. I knew it was a long shot but I always figured I could go into a medical field someday. Long shot because it took money to be able to do that. And I had none of that.

I was still glaring at my disgustingly unworthy hands when she came in. I'm sure the only reason she sat next to me was because it was the last available seat. And she was so quiet as she took it that I would never have even known someone was there—but I smelled her.

Esme.

Fuck. Those hands that I stared at clenched into fists as I warred with myself to look over at her. I didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable. I'd had the revelation of my fucking lifetime in the hallway—Esme always acted like that around me because I scared her. Her perfect little sheltered life was unable to really understand the hell that I existed in. I was something other. Something scary. A monster. I didn't want to be that monster around her. But I knew no other way to be.

So I glared outside the window and strained my body as far away from her as I could. I tried to hold my breath as much as I could. Her scent was unnerving. It was like it had intensified in it's attraction since the last time I had been around her. Or maybe it was because of how long I had been around her today. I never got to sit next to Esme for an hour without anyone else between us. Her body seemed to generate an electric pull that drew me out of my own skin to be near her.

I wrapped my fingers around the edge of the table and fought the urge to pull her on top of it and take her. The smell of her body—orange blossom and spring flowers—it was like a drug to my body. Fucking heroin that was making me so strung out with need that I was swelling in my pants the longer I smelled her. Fuck. My eyes rolled back in my head when I caught a concentrated whiff of her scent as she tossed her hair over her shoulder at the exact moment that I inhaled. I was hard and ready and so fucking needy for her. I wanted that smell around me always. Wrapped completely around me. I knew I would never feel complete until I was impaled in her very essence.

I allowed myself one moment to look over at her. My face was strained with the force of will it took to not act on my hormonal craving. My eyes were hooded and dark as they drank in the sight of her. And my breaths were shallow as I tried to control the rapid beat of my heart. Fuck I wanted her. The one thing I knew I could never have.

She was blushing—so fucking hot. I wondered if I could make any other part of her body blush. I wanted to turn her skin red. Make her nipples blush pink like that under my touch. Bite her—everywhere. Mark her and tell all the other motherfuckers that she was mine. But she dipped her head forward to mask her face with her hair and I remembered.

Monster. Scary.

I turned back to look out the window and swam in my self loathing for the next forty five minutes of hell.

I could never follow this desire to its end. She was not mine. I was not worthy to have her the way I wanted. My fantasies of driving into Esme while she was slammed against her locker were quickly replaced with the nightmare of her kissing that toad, Swan. I was seething and practically vibrating with the need for some outlet for this rage. That's when I noticed Mary heading out to the woods. First period. First day of school. Already Mary was walking out. I sighed.

When class got out I ran past Esme without a word. It was rude. But fuck, I couldn't be anything else around her. I terrified the poor girl. And I didn't need to beat myself up with that lost dream.

I found Mary sitting on a rock in our usual smoking hide out. She looked sad. I rolled my eyes. Why did I have to be a monster with a heart of gold? No, a fucking bleeding heart, that's what I had.

I sat next to her without a word. That was what it was like with Mary. No need for words. We just got each other.

"What?" I said when she didn't speak.

"My mom called… she's… she's moving to Europe in a week."

I nodded. Europe would be fun. I would miss her. But pathetically mostly I would miss that she was my one connection to Esme.

"When do you leave?" I asked wishing like hell I was a normal guy who could just walk up to Esme and talk to her—not freak her out.

"I don't," she spat.

"But…" It only took a second for me to realize what she meant. Her _mother_ was leaving. Her mother. Not her too. Fuck. I thought Jack was an underhanded asshole. At least he kept me with him.

"Where…" I scowled as I tried to even begin to ask it. I knew she would never go begging for a home. Right now she was living off the last month's payment that he mother sent to the Forks hotel. Next week… she would be vagrant.

"So when can you move in?" I asked. She turned to me and gasped. It was almost comical really. Mary always put on the show. She was always two people—the public image and the real Mary. I knew them both. But mostly I understood the real one. She was like me. And I knew that Jack wouldn't even notice that someone else was living with us. Hell, to Mary it was just a bed anyway.

"Really?" Her eyes were a little… radiant when she asked me. It was weird. I had never really looked at Mary that way. She was pretty. She had a nice body. But… I'd had a block for so long from looking at any other girl but Esme. I supposed that my little revelation in the hall today opened my eyes.

I smiled. I brought my hand up to caress her cheek- the softest movement. One that I could never share with Esme. She would cower from my hand. She would run screaming from the room. Mary leaned into my touch like she had been waiting all of her life for it. Maybe she had. I wouldn't have noticed until now.

I cupped that same hand around the back of her neck and drew her lips close to mine. It was easier than I would have expected. Kissing Mary. Our lips fit together and our tongues moved in sync.

It was nice. Those fucking hormones seemed to not be as picky as my mind as to who got their attention. I moaned as I felt them rush to every part of my body. I deepened our kiss and she whimpered against my lips.

I pulled back for air and we both sat panting against each other for a moment. In that second I knew that I had crossed a line. Made a choice. Mary was going to be my girlfriend. And she was about to become a permanent part of my every day and night life. And I didn't question it. It actually made me feel happy… that could have been the hormones speaking. But I was hopeful and had some kind of purpose other than dying alone.

And this meant I would be safe around Esme. I would be loyal to Mary—and that meant the demon monster that wanted to rip through my flesh and take that poor girl's body his prisoner… well he would be silenced if nothing else.

-**-Bookends-**-

The next day I was a different person. I morphed into someone more for Mary. It seemed appropriate—but really it was something I had no control over.

For the first time in a long time, I just was. I wasn't constantly trying to second guess anything. Mary knew all my shit. I didn't have to worry about hurting her feelings or sullying her virtue. I was pretty damn pleased with how everything was turning out.

When we left school the day, she stopped by the hotel and picked up her stuff. Jack didn't notice that Mary was with us—and Tanya liked having someone else around who wasn't her bossy big brother.

Life was actually kind of nice. Sort of stable. It made me smile.

We were quite the sight I supposed when we showed up at school. I still wore the jacket. I was looking forward to whatever the sexy shit she talked about would develop in our relationship. And I had found that like my opened eyes saw in her eyes yesterday—my body was really very appreciative of my girlfriend's body.

So when we got to school and she wore her low cut tank and I was in my faded jeans and leather jacket, people looked twice. I draped my arm over her shoulders and when we got to her locker I pressed her against it to make out. Damn she had a sweet talented tongue. I groaned—not giving a shit where we were.

Someone cleared their throat. A girl—it was a delicate sound. Nothing like the ones coming from my girlfriend as I frenched her ass so hard that I was seriously considering dropping one biology for another… the hands on kind.

But then I made the mistake of inhaling through my nose—something you have to do when you kiss as deep as we did.

Orange blossoms and spring flowers.

Esme. Fuck. My body's response to her scent was more intense than the ten minute face fuck that Mary and I had just been engaged in. And for some reason it seemed to hit me even harder today than it had yesterday. I thrust my hips against Mary out of automatic response to Esme.

It was a very fucking complicated place to be.

I turned to face the girl who would torment me innocently until I finally died. Her cheeks were flushed. Fuck. I watched her—unabashedly. My mouth was open from the racing of my heart and the light panting caused not from the fantastic kissing but from the burning need I had for her. I wanted to lick that blush from her body. I could see myself doing it. I could fantasize the sounds she would make.

Esme moaning in pleasure—the monster growled from his cage in my mind.

I was so lost in the desire that when Mary said "hi" and Esme's eyes looked into mine I realized I must have looked terrifying. Fuck.

"Good morning," I said mostly to steady my nerves. But if it looked polite that was a bonus.

Charlie showed up two seconds later to occupy her time. While Mary pulled me back to her locker and started licking my ear. It was sweet, sweet torture. On the one hand was a smoking hot girl who was willing to do all the things my body was so ready to do. And on the other was the thing I actually wanted.

I kissed Mary once hard on the lips and then I headed to class as the bell rang.

Esme was already seated when I came in. I wasn't sure how to handle interacting with her anymore. I had changed since yesterday—I was her best friend's boyfriend. On the surface of my personality I had made a choice to not pursue Esme. But inside… fuck. Apparently I could fuck every girl that came along—but my body would never not want Esme.

I panicked because there were microscopes out and single lab sheets. Partner work. Fuck. The poor girl would probably have a traumatic experience just talking to me for this one.

I was playing the usual game of stare out the window, when my entire world changed again.

"Good morning, Carlisle."

Fuck. My eyes closed at the sweetest sound in the world. She hadn't spoken to me since she was six years old. Not directly. And my mind was trying to reboot from the sound of it now.

"Carlisle?" she asked again. God… no one had ever said my name like she did. It was a caress to my soul. It was a slap to my mind. It was fucking sexy.

I turned to her—a tormented fucking man in prison.

_She couldn't be my friend now. Not now. Not now that I have given my loyalty to Mary. She couldn't prove to me that everything I ever dreamed about was true. That she was not just something my body craved but some other part of my soul that would make my life complete._

Not now.

"Good morning, Esme." That's right motherfucker—seal your fate. If you acknowledge this and you become her friend… you deserve the torment you'll have to survive. You know what you want.

And now you know what you have.

Fuck.

-**-Bookends-**-

A week later I was trapped in the worst fucking nightmare of my life… but the reality was that it was simply going to be my life.

I was now best friends with Esme. And boyfriend to Mary. And sometimes tolerant conversationalist with Charlie effing Swan. It made my head spin.

Mary sat on my bed—not doing her homework. Esme and I sat on the floor discussing Romeo and Juliet.

"But I don't understand… why didn't she tell her parents to shove it?" I had to chuckle at Esme's vivaciousness. I was all the more sad at the fact that she had never spoken to me before. I loved to try to riddle out her mind. She had a fascinating brain—so intelligent and sometimes almost too stubborn. But caring and compassionate enough to make anyone love her.

And I didn't need more reasons and proof to love her.

"Because, back then disobedience was punishable by death. And she was a woman…" I pointed my finger at her—guessing I would get the response I wanted. She didn't disappoint. Her eyes bugged out and cheeks flamed in insult.

I laughed. "Back then… women were lower than second class citizens. They were property. It was beyond her parent's right to dictate her life."

Esme started huffing to control her temper. She had quite a bevy of passion that I never realized before.

"I don't think I will ever fully appreciate classical literature. I don't appreciate the fact that women have always been treated like poor simpering morons who need someone to save them all of their lives."

Mary rolled her eyes. But I just nodded in agreement.

"I agree- That women got the raw deal before. But… not every woman is you Esme."

_Oops. Where did that come from?_

I looked up at Mary. She didn't show it on the outside but I could tell that the statement hadn't gone unnoticed. I was going to be paying for this sooner rather than later.

"What do you mean?"

Mary turned on the bed to glare at Esme. Sooner. Not later but sooner.

"He means that you are one step away from dykey with your constant talk of becoming a cop. He means you never dress like a girl. He means you're willing to stand on a soap box for ideals that died centuries ago," Mary spat.

Fuck. Cat fight in my room over my own stupidity. The majority of my brain thought it was wrong and wanted to find a way to stop it as soon as possible. But there was this one part that was screaming—it would be hot to watch. That part of my mind was fantasizing a wrestling match between the two.

I shook my head. Seventeen year old male to the bone for sure.

"Mary… please."

Emse turned to me with shock on her face. "Are you going to defend me before I even have a chance to do it first?" She said with evil eyes.

Fuck.

"Umm…"

"No madam lesbot… he was trying to shut me up so you wouldn't feel bad about the truth." I glared at Mary for that. There was absolutely no reason to treat Esme like this.

"Stop it Mary!" I said with my need to protect Esme greater when she was in need.

"You stop Carlisle!" Esme snapped.

Fuck. I couldn't win for losing with this girl.

"I know who and what I am. And I don't need either of you dictating anything to me. I was just responding to the fact that Carlisle was implying that there are women who exist for the soul purpose of being taken care of. And I would never allow myself to be that… beneath me."

The air left the room when she said that. Fuck.

Even I bristled at the term. Neither Mary nor I had ever been able to call anything _beneath _us. I almost wanted to encourage her to give it to Esme one more time.

"Please…" I started through tight lips. "Don't ever say shit like that to me again."

Mary was silent but I could feel her looking at me. Esme's eyes grew wide. And her mouth fell open.

"Carlisle… I… I…" She searched for an explanation. I knew she didn't mean it that way—but the fact that she could say it at all, with conviction, just proved that she could mean it that way.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

I watched her with careful eyes. Summarizing whether or not my next thought was intelligent.

"Esme… do you know what it is like to be treated like this girl? Juliet was born to parents who saw her as a commodity. As something that could help build their wealth and stake a claim. She wasn't a child. She wasn't a person. She was something that could mean some greater gain to them."

She watched me with innocently wide eyes.

"Have your parents ever looked at you without ever _seeing_ you? Looked through you and dismissed all thought that you are a person at all?"

She swallowed but said nothing.

I sat back and put my hands on the tail of my shirt. I would probably regret this. Even Mary had never seen this. But I pulled my shirt over my head.

I heard two separate gasps—but my eyes were closed tightly.

"Carlisle…" Mary whispered.

"Your father?" Esme asked. I nodded with my eyes still closed.

"Oh… oh god…" Mary said and ran out of the room. I wondered if Esme had gone with her. I was repulsive to see. I was filled with disgusted self loathing as I sat there for another minute. Eyes closed and chest heaving.

Then all at once I felt delicate fingers smoothing over my skin. I gasped—it was the most intense sensation I had ever felt. I knew—it wasn't just because it was the first time anyone but a surgeon had touched my scars but it was because Esme was touching me.

"How does he do it?" she whispered. I opened my eyes slowly. That was the first time someone just came out and asked me. Even Mary skirted around the topic most of our lives. But I could tell looking into her eyes that Esme knew all the other crap she was just curious about the details—she wanted to heal me from it.

"With knives. He… his family were butchers. Small town operation- but good with blades. He didn't want to take over the family business but... well you just learn what's around you."

"He actually wanted to play ball professionally. That's how he met my mom... she was a fan of baseball. She used to watch every game he played in. She convinced him to follow his dreams, follow the minor league circuit and get picked up for the majors. But it didn't pan out. And my mom got sick… and… and then my mom died. And by then he was less about a dream and more about an escape. So he got a job up here at the mill and… still practices his skills at home when his temper flares."

I would have faced her in shame but she didn't look at me like all the others did. She wasn't looking at me in pity. She was looking at me in anger. I had only spoken to her for a week but I knew one thing above all other things about Esme—she was a fighter.

"I don't like him," she said simply. I laughed once and hard.

"I am coming to that conclusion myself," I offered.

She smiled. And my brain poured out of my ear. Fuck. Her palm pressed completely on my chest—over my heart. It started to beat as if she powered it. Slowly, too fucking slowly, we started to move closer to each other. A breath away. Her eyes closed slowly—and my hand moved to caress her cheek like it had Mary's only a week ago…

Then I heard the crash downstairs. "CARLISLE!"

Mary was screaming. And Tanya was crying. Fuck. I was jumping down the stairs two at a time with Esme on my heels. My mind was spinning at the possibilities of what could be happening.

What I found in the kitchen was past anything I'd considered.

Mary had Tanya behind her while she held the phone in her hand. Tanya was weeping and holding one of her hands against her chest. I could smell the blood. But then I noticed that Mary's arm, the one that held Tanya back, was dripping from a deep cut too.

On the floor was a snarling… thrashing thing that was trapped in the body of Jack Cullen. His legs seemed to fail him. But his arms were lashing about and clutched in both hands were two of his sharpest knives.

My mind switched over into that mode that it always did when my father attacked me. First things first—protect the innocent. Esme was just getting to the door and I turned and shoved her back through. She didn't need to see this.

Second, I took note that Mary was on the phone with dispatch and Tanya was hurt but not critically. Then I assessed the monster on the floor. He was mobile enough that he could continue to injure us until they got here. And even once they got here he was still armed with deadly weapons.

I was glad in some ways that my chest was already bare. I didn't want to ruin anymore of my clothes.

I knelt down and tried to wrestle the blades from his grasp. That enraged him more… naturally. I hissed when he got a cut in across my arm. And the blade cut my shoulder like my flesh was butter. But eventually I had his hands secured in mine above his head. He wouldn't release the knives but he couldn't move under me.

Then his head started whipping back and forth and he snapped his teeth out at me. Fuck.

I heard the sirens and saw the lights on the wall. And just then his whole body ceased.

His mouth popped open wide and his eyes bulged out. Everything under me was strained and tensed for a minute and then his eyes rolled back in his head and he was out.

Now the training in me told me to perform CPR… even in the few seconds it would take for the EMT to get in here I could possibly save his life. The broken and bloody kid that I was… watched his body die beneath me with no regret.

He was pronounced dead of a heart attack. And the three of us were stitched up and sent home.

I hadn't spoken to Esme as we left the house. I didn't have a clue where she ended up while we were at the hospital. Mary was with me at the hospital. And I hoped that Esme just got home and was safe—and still innocent.

The attorney showed up while we were waiting for Mary.

I was freaked out at what lay ahead for the two of us. We didn't have any other family still living. And I would be damned if they sent away my little sister.

"I'm going to file for an emancipation for you, Carlisle. You are only one year away from being considered a legal adult so it should be easy for you to get. And when you do… you will be given your trust fund and ownership of your house. As well as guardianship of Tanya."

I stared at the man with a blank face. "Trust fund?" I said. That was something that rich kids like Swan had. I had a fresh scar on my shoulder from the washed up father who never amounted to anything.

"Yes. Your mother's family had it saved in your name. You… It's not a huge amount of money. But it will help you maintain a living and probably pay for school."

I nodded. Un-freaking-believable. Trust fund. Money.

Freedom.

When we got home Tanya followed Mary to her room and they shared a bed to help beat back the nightmares.

I went into the kitchen to clean up. I had the bucket in the sink and was running the hot water till steam was fogging the window. But when I turned to survey the damage...there was none to be found.

The floor was spotless. The room had no evidence of the blood or the death or any of the shit that happened there today.

"I cleaned it up," she whispered from the backdoor.

I turned to find Esme standing in the doorway. She was still dressed in the same clothes she was in earlier. She hadn't had to go to the hospital to get stitched up. I wanted her protected from that shit.

All at once I was mad. Really mad. My shoulders and my chest were moving up and down in barely contained anger. My eyes were swimming with tears of rage. Everything was red.

I wanted to protect her from this. She was innocent from this.

I couldn't look at her. Maybe it was shame. Maybe it was some unnamed emotion that I should have felt watching my father die. But it was intense. And she needed to leave before I couldn't control it anymore.

"Get out," I warned through tight lips.

"No," she whispered.

The room was spinning—I was starting to shake. This was the shit she should be afraid of. The shit that I knew was simmering under the surface. I was Jack's kid. I had a hell of a lot of rage. Who knew what would trigger my own abusive nature.

"You're not him, Carlisle."

I glared at her—like a tiger facing his enemy.

"You don't know shit about it."

She shut the door. She didn't even blink as she looked me in the eye—eyes that were steel with venomous hatred.

"I know you."

I huffed a sarcastic laugh at that.

_What the fuck did she know? Nothing. She was a sheltered little kid._

My breaths grew more labored and my fists balled for a fight as she inched toward me. She never took her eyes off me—never even blinked. I was considering ways to drag myself from the room before I hurt her. I was both terrified and ready to fight at the same time.

And then her scent hit me… and I was fighting some disgusting urge to throw her down on the kitchen floor, the floor where she had just cleaned up my blood, and take her body with my possessive lust for her. Just bury myself in the promise of her flesh. Find some pleasure in this pain.

"Shh…" She stopped an inch from me. A tasty girl just outside the tiger's cage. "You're not him."

My breaths were sharp and choppy and my eyes bugged out_._

_Run Esme! I will hurt you_.

Then my entire world calmed. Her hands were on my cheeks—her skin offering my body some sort of physical healing. I closed my eyes. The pain and the rage were gone.

I fell to my knees—burying my face against her stomach and clutching my arms around her like she was the only real thing in my world.

And then I felt it. The anguish. The years of torment and fear and the release of knowing that demon was gone and could never hurt me again. She cradled me against her and ran her fingers through my hair. And I wept—purged the shit from my body through tears. Tears that she let soak into her clothes and wash out of my body.

When I was cried out we sat rocking gently for a while longer. She never spoke. She never moved. She just let me be.

Finally she knelt down in front of me.

_What the fuck just happened?_

I looked at her—wishing like fuck that I had kissed her first. Wishing that I was someone good and safe and clean like Charlie Swan. And knowing that I would fight like hell to make sure Esme ended up with someone like him—someone who would never hurt her the way I was hurt. The way Mary and Tanya were hurt.

Never Esme.

"Goodnight Carlisle," she said simply. She kissed my temple and left without another word.

I sat there a moment longer—reeling. I was both exhausted and energized. I felt that dark shit leaving me. And at the same time I felt a greater pain settle in.

I would never not want her. And I would never get to have her.

Freedom—it was only a dream.

-**-Bookends-**-

**(1990)**

Senior year.

Fuck yah. It was two weeks till graduation and I was flying from the release. We hung out in the meadow more and more. I had perfect grades and my teachers preferred sometimes that I not come to class. Apparently, I intimidated the other students with my knowledge.

Mary ditched because she really didn't care about getting her diploma. And Esme would meet us after school—always a stickler for her rules.

Charlie, the pussy and now full time boyfriend of Esme, rarely came along. It was always a good time with the three of us. The girls made a sport out of seeing if there was anything Carlisle couldn't or wouldn't do. There rarely was.

We had settled into an easy rhythm after that night. I was an adult, legally now. And Mary and I saw no reason to not play house. Esme stopped coming over to the house most nights. She was officially Charlie's girlfriend so he took her out to do those normal teenage things. Dinner. Movies. Nothing too controversial.

Mary and me—we fucked all night long. It was still something I fought—every damn day I saw Esme. And smelled Esme. But slowly I was losing my need for her. Mary was good match with me. She had a passion that fueled the beast within me. And she was never afraid of me.

I didn't fear hurting Mary. She'd been hurt worse all her life. I could just have fun with her. And fun we had.

This afternoon we were in the garage. I was rebuilding two vintage motorcycles that I found at a yard sale. I really didn't have a use for them. I just wanted to learn how to build an engine—turns out I was pretty damn good at it.

"I've got an idea," Mary said taking a long drag on a smoke and leaning in to kiss me. "Let's go to Push tonight. I've heard tell there is some awesome cliff diving to be conquered."

I laughed. Mary was on some rampage to always put herself in danger. I think she liked me saving her all the time. And with my apprenticeship for the last year with the local EMTs I was pretty damn good at saving her from the stupid shit she did. She wanted me to teach her to ride one of these bikes eventually—probably because she wanted me to save her from crashing someday.

"You better not ruin my chances of getting into Dartmouth," I teased.

Mary laughed. "Please. You had that deal sealed last summer when you did that intern program."

I nodded. No use in disputing the truth. In fact there was a promise of a full scholarship with that little summer job I had.

"What are going to do in Push?" Esme asked. She scowled as I brought my cigarette to my lips. She hated that we smoked in the garage—hazardous. I blew the smoke toward her face to goad her.

_Come on baby… tell me you don't want to get lung cancer… tell me you want me around._

She rolled her eyes and fanned the air in front of her face. I laughed.

What I wouldn't do to tease Esme Whitlock.

"Cliff dive… duh," Mary responded.

Well this would be interesting.

-**-Bookends-**-

When we got to La Push it was quiet and dark. "You sure about this Mary?" I asked skeptically. We tiptoed to the beach and we stood with our mouths open at the drop from the ridge.

"Come on you pussies. It can't be that bad. You land in the ocean," she reasoned.

I had my doubts. I knew I was some badass who didn't give a fuck… but… I really didn't want to commit suicide.

"Well… I'll do it." Esme said crossing her arms over her chest and surveying the scene.

I raised my eyebrow. "What happens when you start to drown?" I asked realistically. It didn't happen often but I never fully got over my possessiveness with her. I refused to let her be put in danger like this.

"Well… I guess that will be the one and only time I need a man to save me." She slapped my shoulder and winked at me.

Fuck me. Turns out I wasn't the only one who liked to tease. Hell. I was in hell.

Mary laughed and led the way up to the ridge. I sighed and followed.

Her laugh ended from the new perspective. "I'm out," I said flatly.

"Umm…Me too," Mary said biting her lip.

I looked over to see Esme removing her clothes. It took me a minute too long to stop her—I really didn't want to stop her if she insisted on doing this naked. Fuck—did she always have that rack? My one saving grace was that the wind wasn't blowing orange blossoms and spring flowers at me—I would have thrown her against the cliff. And I wouldn't have given a fuck if Mary were here to see. Fuck I was disgusting. Here came the old self loathing.

"What in the hell are you doing Ez?" Mary asked seriously.

"Jumping." Esme said and just like that she strode over to the edge, bent her knees, and jumped.

FUCK… That was hot.

I shook my head and realized my body was already running down to the shore. It was dark—there was no way of knowing if she was okay until I found her and touched her and physically verified it.

"ESME!" I yelled when I hit the beach. I scanned the area with frantic eyes.

I found her lying on her back near the ocean edge. _Holy fuck!_

"Esme!" I ran over to her and knelt beside her. There was a pulse but it was shallow. I put my ear against her chest. She wasn't breathing.

I followed my training and started to administer CPR—I propped her head, pinched her nose and put my lips against hers.

In the tiny minute between my lips touching hers and the sound of Mary's footsteps on the sand, Esme kissed me. One second I was terrified that I would have to save her life—the next I was feeling pressure from her lips against mine.

Fuck. My heart jumped in my chest—like her lips had revived me back to life.

"Carlisle? Is she okay?" Mary was calling from behind me. Esme's face was illuminated by the moon. Pale and sparkling and beautiful.

"Shhh…" She said holding her finger to her lips and winking at me. "Don't tell."

Holy fucking Christ. How in the hell was I gonna survive this girl.

"Carlisle?" Mary was right behind us now. And I was still just staring at Esme in disbelief. Did she seriously just admit that she did that so that I would kiss her?

"She's fine." I said turning to Mary. "Just swallowed some water." I lied. She swallowed my saliva.

Esme stood then—in front of me so that my eyes were level with the most alluring piece of triangle shaped clothing I had ever seen. I rolled my eyes and stared up at her. Really? She wanted to torture me that bad?

She smiled down. "My hero." She said and laughed.

She followed Mary back to the car and I sat on the beach for another minute. Alone. I closed my eyes. If only I could turn back the clock. Go back to the second I met them and grab Esme's hand. If only I could have known back then—that she would want me too. That she could see the shittiest shit in my life and still want me like this.

I never would have kissed Mary. Because out of the thousand times I had since that day in the woods… even the handful of times we had had sex since becoming a couple—I had never felt anything as intense as a brush of skin from Esme's mouth to mine.

Fuck me.

I was trapped.

-**-Bookends-**-

After graduation I set up a living arrangement for Tanya with some friends in Seattle. She was cool with a change of scene and I felt better leaving for school with her taken care of.

I was loathed to find out that while I was honored to receive my scholarship to Dartmouth, Charlie got in on his parent's money. Mary and Esme decided to go to the local community college and look out for each other while their boyfriends went across the country from them.

Esme kissed Charlie in the airport while we waited for our flight. It wasn't a shared flight—he would be traveling first class. I would be traveling normal. I scowled as I watched the exchange. I hated watching people in airports. It was such a show. No one kissed like that to go on a road trip. I sighed. I made my mind up then and there that I would learn how to fly.

If I were a pilot… I wouldn't have to deal with seeing other passengers. It seemed like a good idea.

They announced my flight. Mary kissed my cheek and winked at me.

"I'll be here when you get back you know," she said through unenthusiastic lips. Mary never had an easy time saying goodbye to people. Mostly because when she said goodbye to her mom—she never came back. And with me going off to my Ivy League school and no real need to return… she drew her own conclusions.

"Hey..." I said raising her hand to my lips. "What's this on your finger?" I asked in all seriousness.

"A promise ring," she whispered.

"And what does it promise?"

"That you will always be with me."

"And so I shall," I vowed. I kissed her on the lips and walked off to the gate.

But I didn't miss the look in Esme's eyes as I passed. She wished, like I did, that it was her lips that I had kissed. And her finger wearing that ring.

Fuck. I also didn't miss the rock on her hand.

Charlie proposed.

And she said yes.

-**-Bookends-**-

Christmas couldn't come fast enough. School was fun—I was on an accelerated program so I was ahead of the curve. I made a friend the first day on campus—Peter Charlotte. His father owned a small air strip just outside of the city. I got a part time job there and in turn Peter was giving me lessons in my free time. Beautiful. But with school and work and learning everything I could about aerodynamics….I was ready for a break.

I'd had a lot of time on my hands and there were lots of things to think about. Not least of which was that rock on Esme's hand. There had been some lie that I was telling myself until that moment. Some secret I thought I would uncover before I had to go through with it and give up my dream of her. But I never found it.

Esme was a fantasy. And she may have teased me and taunted me—and her scent might driven me insane. But she would never be my reality.

Mary was real. She was mine. She was waiting for me back home. I sat on the plane glaring at the little white box in my hand. I was going to do it… Maybe. I didn't know. I wasn't ready to get married right now. But I could at least propose it and then we could promise that that was where we were heading eventually.

I sighed and watched the lights of Seattle blink below. I was catching a connecting smaller flight to PA and meeting everyone there. We'd be heading across the border to Victoria for the holidays, though. Swan's family lived in British Columbia and Mary had convinced me that spending Christmas with our "rich" friends would be fun.

Apparently there was some surprise that Mary was excited for me to see when I got there—and she refused to indicate any hints as to what it was.

When I got off of the plane I had an answer to two questions. One was what made her so excited for my return. And the other was whether or not I would marry her anytime soon.

Both answers were the same.

She was pregnant.

-**-Bookends-**-

We sat in the club getting drunk and hot as the night went on. Well… Esme and I got drunk. Mary just danced around and slipped dollars into g-strings. It was ludicrous. Mary only dragged me along to parade it in front of Esme. The fact that I was hers and that Esme was never going to have me.

That pissed me off and made me drink all the more.

I had been very happy to go home for Christmas. What I didn't realize was that I was coming home to a five month pregnant girlfriend- and a bachelorette party for Esme as she was to be married on Christmas day.

Fuck.

My life sucked beyond the telling of it most days.

Mary was getting tired earlier in the night than Esme was ready to turn in. I could see that she was going to leave though—just to keep Mary happy.

"No," I said. Admittedly the words were a little fuzzy in my head and my mouth. "I'll stay. You take the car and we'll get a cab." Mary eyed me wearily. I wasn't that bad. But… I hadn't ever been drunk around her. I didn't like alcohol. For obvious reasons. But that didn't mean I hadn't built up a resistance to it.

Mary leaned over and gave me a kiss. No not a kiss… she gave me a face fuck. Right there in front of Esme.

Esme turned away when Mary pulled back. My brain wasn't firing all cylinders as she did. I smacked my lips. That was pretty good. "See you soon. Lover."

I nodded. And I noticed that Mary didn't even speak to Esme.

"And she's my maid of honor," Esme mumbled to no one in particular.

"You wanna leave?" I shouted as YMCA started playing over the speakers.

She nodded. Once we were outside I could breathe. I was stifling in my jacket. I took it off to enjoy the cool night air.

"Can I borrow that?" she asked timidly.

That was the first time I noticed what she was wearing. A short strapless dress that hugged all those curves that I remembered vividly from that one night on the ridge. I looked down at my jacket and shrugged. I put it over her shoulders… and then I wished I hadn't. It was like… like watching Esme wrap herself in a part of me.

Fuck… alcohol made the beast come out with more ferocity. I leaned down to fix the collar and her hair brushed my nose. Orange blossoms and spring flowers. I jumped back from her.

"What are we going to do?" she asked. I realized out of the sticky heat of the bar that neither of us were as drunk as I had thought. I shrugged.

"What is there to do in Port Angeles?"

She laughed. "Nothing."

"How bout Victoria?" I found myself proding sarcastically.

She rolled her eyes. "Even less than here," she joked.

I scratched my nose and sat on a bench by the road.

"Why are you moving there then?" I knew… that's what you did when you got married. You stopped living the life of single minded person and you became a team. What I wouldn't give to be the lucky bastard she was doing that for.

She sighed. "I'm not. I'm going back to Forks when he goes back to school. We're just getting married there at the family house so that his mother is appeased. He wants to make it official before." She waved her hand and my mind was loopy enough to not follow.

"Before…"

"I go to the Academy."

"Oh right." Police Chief Whitlock. Of course. "Why do you have to be married before that?"

"Because his mother would not approve. If we're already married… there's not much she can do about it—say, yes. Do, no."

I frowned. I really didn't get it. "Esme… what's the problem?"

"She thinks I'm not 'woman' enough to marry her son. That I'll not make a good wife… to a _man_."

Suddenly I realized I would not enjoy meeting any of the family Swan. "You… why the fuck!" I would have been angry—but it was the stupidest shit I had ever heard… plus I was drunk enough to really only be focusing on her naked legs more than giving a damn about Charlie's idiot mother.

She shrugged. "It's dumb. They're from old money. And there are rules to everything with them. Funny… I'm all about rules right." She laughed. And my mind was very warm and fuzzy from the sound.

"Let's get out of here," I offered. She nodded.

I drove her truck back to Forks—we took back roads and went slow, but that made it no less stupid for me to drive under the influence.

It was a quiet little bubble of fantasy. She sat with her head on my shoulder and… it felt so right. In this truck I could forget that there were two people waiting out there for us. One carrying my child and one waiting to start a life with her.

I stopped off and got us some beer before we ended up in the meadow. Her wedding gift was in the truck bed—since I called Mary the week before and told her to bring it for Christmas. It was originally supposed to be for Christmas… but surprise.

I pulled it out as she settled down on the grass and cracked open a beer. She gasped.

"Carlisle… you finished them."

I nodded. I finished the bikes a couple of days before I left and locked them up. One was for her and one was for Mary. I figured they could enjoy some fun without us guys around. I hadn't anticipated Mary being pregnant at the time…

I painted Esme's red. It just seemed to suit her. "Thank you. But you know I don't know how to ride a motorcycle."

"Well… that's half the fun. Learning." I winked at her and joined her on the grass. I laid down on my back and watched the stars. I'd missed them. You didn't get to see stars like that anywhere else.

"Where do you see yourself in twenty years Carlisle?" She had her knees under her chin and she looked pretty wasted. I finished off another beer and felt the buzz settling in on me.

"Dunno. Here. At my house… with kids." I squinted to make that image look real. I could see me and the house… and a kid or two. But I had no clue what was beside me. I had wanted to propose something to Mary… but now, as I had with my entire relationship with Mary, I just felt I was trapped in that situation too.

A child needed a father. And I needed to have kids. I needed to know that I could make a life a thousand times better than the one I suffered. I just hated the image of two people feeling forced into something as demanding as a marriage. But I wouldn't turn my back on her. I was Mary's.

The wind picked up… fuck. I was Esme's too. Even if it was only in my mind. There it was.

"How about you?" I closed one eye in an effort to make the stars refocus. Everything was growing fuzzy.

"With you," she whispered so low I thought I dreamt it.

I sat up and looked her in the eyes. Fuck she had beautiful eyes.

"Esme… stop fucking with me. You had your chance." Fuck. Where did that come from? She never had her chance!

Her face grew mortified. "I… when? When did I have my chance? You were always hers!" Her eyes told me she was drunk. Her hands flailed about in a message of Carlisle back the fuck off this girl is not in complete control… maybe that's why I thought it was okay to continue.

"From the moment I met you… I have adored you. You never once spoke to me… why?"

"Because… you're… _you_." Her cheeks flushed. God damn it. I was going to lose the battle with the beast tonight. And not even the image of my unborn child would stop me.

I laughed with a drunken nod. "Oh." I said sarcastically. Right. I was scary.

"Do you know how intimidating you are Cullen?" My eyes grew dark as she leaned toward me. "You have been blond, with blue eyes, and just utterly gorgeous your whole life. And that is not something that was easy for me to handle."

She was close enough that her warm breath kissed my face. I suppressed a growl of hunger. "Bullshit." I said to rile her up.

She huffed but didn't move. "Not tonight Cullen." I really liked her calling me that. It was like I was someone else when she used my last name instead of my first. Permission to not be myself. "You say I do this to you…" She put her hand on my chest and my breath sped. "Well I'll show you what you do to me."

She closed the distance between us and our lips met with a force that shook the world. Maybe it was the thunder above us. The rain started as soon as I fell back with her on top of me.

"Fuck." I said once her tongue stopped diving in my mouth long enough to catch a breath. She tasted… better than anything. But I couldn't do this. She was marrying Charlie. I had to marry Mary. We couldn't do this to ourselves and each other.

"Stop Esme… NO." I pushed her back with as gentle an effort as I could. She huffed. And slammed her body on top of mine. She bit her lip and watched what feeling her against me did to me.

"Stop what?" she asked and drew my ear between her teeth. I couldn't remember anymore. I was grunting and gasping and straining to be inside of her.

"You have no idea what it's like Carlisle," she rubbed her body against mine once more. FUCK. My fingers dug into the flesh under her skirt on the small of her back. She gasped a little. "Seeing you with her."

With who? My mind kept asking. Fuck. That wasn't my mind. That was my cock—and it was preprogrammed to belong to Esme. She rubbed her delicate little leg against it once more. It twitched and throbbed.

I grunted and then as her teeth bit my neck I growled. My mind was in a thick haze of lust. This was my fantasy girl. And this was one of my fantasies.

"Esme…" I snarled against the hair draped over her shoulder. "I'm with Mary..."

"And I'm getting married," she slurred. She was so fucking drunk. I stood us up and stumbled slightly as I inched her toward the tailgate. I had to blink a few times before she came back into focus. I was too fucked up to really be making a good judgment right now either.

She pushed open my shirt and that animal that I had caged all those years ago… the flash burn that had been ignited in my gut that day in Biology class—jumped to the surface of my flesh and took over my body.

The alcohol and the lust made everything a haze. But when we were done—I knew it was the best fucking sexual experience of my life.

Esme passed out on top of me. And once my heart rate finally slowed I closed my eyes and joined her.

-**-Bookends-**-

The next morning I woke up in the bed of the truck. My head was screaming and I heard Esme's similar moans from the cab of the truck. I was missing my shirt—but had my jeans on.

That was the most I knew about what happened last night.

"Esme?" I groaned as the sun hit my eyes.

"Carlisle… what happened? I feel like someone beat me with a baseball bat."

"It's called hard liquor followed by too many beers… Fuck… Where are we?"

"Forks… I recognize the trees."

I looked around as saw the one that had our names carved in it. How the fuck did we get back to Forks?

"How the fuck did we get back to Forks?" I hissed.

"Dunno." She said flopping back down in the truck.

It took several long and dizzy minutes for us to collect ourselves and get back on the road. I drove us back to my house. It was closer than Port Angeles and Esme needed to puke.

The phone was ringing when we got to the house. Shit. Mary.

"Hello… fuck… ah. Hello?" I answered, not relishing the banging in my head as she screamed through the phone.

"Carlisle? I was so worried… what happened? Where are you?" I rolled my eyes. She never should have left us alone last night.

"Forks." I said with a confused face. Now I understood why I never needed to drink.

"How?" Mary sounded worried. I hated making her feel that way. Esme stumbled out of the truck while I was on the phone and vomited in the bushes. I tried to keep the bile in my throat down long enough to talk to Mary.

"Esme's truck… Shit. I think I drove us here." Fuck we were lucky to be alive. What was I an idiot teenager trying to impress some girl?

Esme stood up. She was wearing her dress from last night and no shoes. Her hair was a haystack on top of her head and she was still enveloped in my jacket. Fuck. Yah—I was a teenager when it came to impressing _that_ girl.

"Carlisle… Carlisle? Are you okay?" Still worried. Fuck. Snap out of it Carlisle. She is marrying Charlie you are marrying Mary.

"Yah… Fine. We'll be back in PA in an hour or so. Don't worry," I promised.

I helped Esme into the house, noticing that the bike was still in the truck bed.

All I could remember was that we just ended up in the meadow and drank our selves into oblivion… and least I hoped that was all we did.

The wedding was not something I would call fun. Best Esme looked happy. And that was a huge moment for me.

I watched as Esme cried pure tears when her daddy gave her away. And I knew… Charlie would give her a quiet safe life. Somewhere in the middle of her saying I do and them exchanging rings I stopped looking at Esme—and focused completely on Mary.

She was glowing—in her love for her friend and in her pregnancy of our child. I proposed to her last night—Christmas eve. I drove her back to Forks and sat her at the giant tree in our yard. I promised her I'd build her a tree house in our tree—so she could feel like the princess she was.

And now… I could let Esme go. I had an entire future in front of me. And I had a family on the way.

I was happy.

-**-Bookends-**-

**(1991)**

This would be remembered as the year of the boys.

Tanya started dating the oldest son of the family she was living with in high school—Edward Masen. She got pregnant only a month after Mary had. I found out about it when she sent me her wedding announcement. I would have been angry but then she lived in a house with Mary and me as an example. At least Ed was nice and he was a promising surgeon with a lot of money. She would be well taken care of.

Mary and I welcomed the first boy—Jacob. April 10th to be exact. He changed my world completely. Being a husband had made me grounded. Stabilized my life in a way that made me feel like I was home when I was with Mary. But holding Jacob… It was awesome.

I felt his tiny firm grip around my finger and smiled. I'd hold that hand forever.

Two months later Jacob got some competition in the family. Tanya's newly married husband and she welcomed boy number two—Edward Anthony Masen Jr. Out of the three boys born that year—Edward was the one with the most 'tude.

I always joked that he was born with a scowl. Edward's eyes were expressive and watchful. He never really cried—even when he was born. He just watched you—almost like he was trying to figure out what you were thinking.

Now, and I don't say this lightly because my son was adorable, but the cutest of the three was born in September. Esme and Charlie welcomed Emmett Charles Swan into our extended family. And he was born with rosy cheeks, curly hair, and dimples—Gerber baby.

It was just a quiet peace that settled over me by that next Christmas. I had a family. I was on my way to becoming a doctor. And I had Mary. Surprisingly enough I never thought about what I didn't have. She was miles away in Victoria with her family—happy and separate.

Life was good.

-**-Bookends-**-

**(1993)**

Life got bad.

Mary and I… started fighting. It was little things. She felt me pulling away if I stayed at the hospital too long at night.

And I felt her pulling away whenever there was another man around us.

She would bring up Esme to goad me. I would allow it to effect me. Esme's parents had moved out of the house next door—but Esme had kept ownership of it. It was this constant fucking reminder that she could always come back. That she in some ways never left.

Because I didn't want to fight with her—I spent most of my free time doing everything else. I built the tree house. Which she never once stepped foot in.

Jake liked it. He sat and watched me build it. Clapping when I finished pieces. I finished getting my pilot's license. And took Jake flying a few times so that he could get out of the house and away from his mother's constant yelling.

It was a volatile relationship—but it was all we had. And sex between us became some struggle for dominance. She'd beat me and I'd scratch her. And in the end the pleasure would be lost in a haze of self loathing.

The night that I got the call… I was almost ready to call it quits.

It was three o'clock in the morning. And Mary glared at me when I picked up the phone.

"Carlisle?" It was just a soft whisper but I knew who it was.

"What's wrong Esme?" Years since I had seen her in person—and that same old feeling jumped straight in my chest.

"I'm leaving Charlie… I'm bringing the kids with me… I… I don't even know if there is anything you can do… I just… wanted to hear your voice." My entire world was crashing down. She sounded so… sad. I had to help her.

"I'll get the house ready. Don't worry about anything. You sure you can drive?"

I knew she had only had baby Isabella a few weeks ago. She might still be sore… I didn't know what to think.

"Fuck you Carlisle Cullen," my delicate wife complained from our bed as she heard only my side of the conversation.

I glared at her and jumped out of bed to finish my conversation in private.

"Was that Mary?... Am I causing you trouble?" Fuck she could cause it all she wanted. Mary had no right to treat Esme like this time and time again.

"Don't worry about it. Just come home."

"Home." Her voice resounded with pain as she said it. Fuck. I didn't know what that was either. Not anymore.

I hung up the phone and glared at the moon. So much for a happy life—for either of us.

Mary was standing in the doorway with her hands on her hips.

"No." was all she said.

I scowled. "She is your friend too." I reminded her.

"But I never wanted to fuck her," she hissed.

I scoffed. I had never alluded to that with Mary. I adored my wife. From the minute we got married she was my entire world—other than when we welcomed our son into it.

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about every time you've looked at her since she was six years old Carlisle. I'm talking about you marrying me only because she never offered before me. I'm talking about not being some blind simpering moron who needs you to take care of me."

I couldn't say anything to that. It was the truth. All of it.

"You lie. You fucking liar. You lied to her. You've lied to me… I'm tired of it. I can't live like this anymore Carlisle!"

She turned back to our room and I headed down to Esme's house. I walked into it with heavy legs. I was tired too… but divorce? I would work my ass off to make this work. I owed my family that.

-**-Bookends-**-

Two months. It took two more months of insistent fighting for Mary to finally leave. I tried. I ignored Esme. I bent over backwards to appease Mary. But apparently the damage was already done. Or maybe I had been too blind to see the kind of person my wife was. There were hardly any unmarried men in town who didn't know my wife—I meant _know_ her. There was some new asshole in town. He hung out at the Res every other weekend. I knew.

She was sleeping around. She was trying to abuse me verbally since I no longer allowed her to do it physically. And in the end I was alright with her going. I didn't want Jake around that shit anymore.

The fights came down to the same damn thing. I never loved her. And I couldn't deny it. Not when Esme Swan walked out her door and my knees grew weak. Mary never made me feel that way.

That day Esme had stopped by the hospital for a check up for both kids. I didn't want to ignore her anymore. I felt more tired than even Mary could imagine.

"Hi," I said to her as Bella played with the books in the waiting room and Emmett went off to get his shots.

"How are you?" She cut through the bullshit. It was only appropriate I supposed. I had been there for her the night she made this decision.

"Tired." Was my only answer.

She told me everything would be okay. That it would work out in the end. I smirked at her hopefulness. But hoped… something about Esme always gave me hope.

I was okay to find my house empty when I got home with Jake from preschool. It was fitting that Mary not say goodbye. She hated it when her mom told her goodbye. I had never been a home to her—just another fucking bed. Jake was sad, but I couldn't be. There was too much anger in this house again for so long that I was finally feeling that old sensation of freedom creeping back into my chest.

But then I found it—the pregnancy test in the trash. It was positive. And now she was gone… FUCK.

She was gone and she was carrying a child. Possibly my child.

My world collapsed on me again. It was because I was a fucking monster. I drove her away. I never should have pulled her in, in the first place. I should have remained celibate and become a monk or some shit.

Tanya called constantly for favors—money. Ed was in an accident… he was drinking. He was beating her. Baby Jazz was born and my baby sister was so fucked up that it was a miracle that the kid was healthy.

Fuck. What the hell happened in one year? How horrible was this world that we continued to live in?

I leaned heavily on Esme over the next couple of months. I needed to work. She took night shifts at the station. And I took day shifts at the hospital and together we raised our kids. Not together—but as separate families.

Though I would admit there were some nights that we actually got to eat all together and it was nice. It was like looking at what could have been—should have been.

But my life was always incomplete. Somewhere out there was a kid that belonged to me. And I had to find them.

-**-Bookends-**-

**(1999)**

I found her.

I didn't know why or how. But when she stood there holding Jazz's hand in that orphanage—no that _hell hole_. It was like looking at a miniature Mary—with my midnight blue eyes.

And she refused to let us leave without her. I refused to leave without her. That place was not suitable for any life.

I might have felt sorry and guilty for Mary's life for so many years but once I saw where our daughter ended up—I fucking hated her all over again. How could she? How could she allow any child to end up here? After what she saw me go through… little innocent Alice deserved so much more.

Her records were sealed but I knew it was her. I adopted her. Why the hell not. I would have adopted the boys too except Tanya was getting out in a month and she would contest it. Why drag those kids through that. Maybe this time she would change.

_Yeah. People were so good about coming through for you weren't they Carlisle. Good to keep that optimism up just in case_.

I did the blood test myself. I used the lab at work after hours. She was a perfect match. My daughter. Alice—she named her Alice.

Fuck. The orphanage did tell me that the mother was deceased. That the father was the one to drop her off and the mother had died. It made me sad—to think that I didn't even cry to hear she was gone. I had hated her for so long for stealing Alice from me… I had spent up all of my tears for Mary.

Truly a demon in the end- that was me. I never loved her. I used her. I cast her out and then I didn't even cry for her death. And yet I wanted Esme to find something in me to love? Fuck.

The night I brought her home, Esme was standing on her porch. Emmett rushed out with Jake in hand to greet the new arrivals. Bella stood behind her mother—weary.

It was like déjà vu in every sense. My nephew—the forty-year-old, eight year old watched her. He never moved—just watched her. I knew right then. Edward was drawn to Bella the way I was drawn to her mother.

That was a rough night. I prayed—and without a faith in god it was a hard thing to do. But I _hoped_ that Edward would find a better way to handle his obsession with that girl than I had with Esme. She was too sweet and pure. And lord knows that whatever other girl he used to skirt around her… she would not deserve it.

I prayed….that the monster would die with me.

-**-Bookends-**-

**(present day)**

"There," she said sitting the final knick knack in place on the mantel. I smiled and held my arms open for her to join me on the couch. Her smile was warm and content.

"You know I could have saved myself a lot of time." She said kissing my lips. She settled across my lap and rubbed her hand on my chest. My hands were caressing her back and sides. I loved having my hands on her.

"How is that?" I asked. Barely conscious of what we were talking about. I was envisioning her in our bathtub—with bubbles all around her and me deep inside her.

"I didn't need any of this crap I brought over here." I frowned. Women. I would never figure out what the hell was going through their minds. I raised an eyebrow and kissed her as she leaned in again. "All I need is you."

I gave her my crooked smile as we deepened the kiss. Then I groaned because it had already been too long since I had her. "Carlisle?" She asked breathless. My eyes were closed and my hands were exploring the deliciously soft flesh under her shirt. Inching closer to unclasp her bra.

I moaned my reply and continued to kiss her. "When do we get this place all to our selves?"

I laughed. "Two weeks." I pulled back to look at her and saw my sentiments mirrored in hers.

"Too long." She pouted and I threw my head back and laughed.

"There's always the cell at the station." I teased with my wicked smile. "I still have my cuffs."

Her cheeks flamed at the memory. "I suppose." She whispered. My heart jumped at the sound. Not only did she not shy away from the idea, but she was casting that wanton desire up at me through her lowered lids. Fuck. My girl was going to become an exhibitionist yet.

I smiled wider. "Trust me." I offered. I was hardly a true full fledge Dom but I knew a thing or two about the world. I knew enough to give her what she wanted—what she craved. She needed to be dominated—needed to feel controlled and taken care of completely. I could do that for her.

"With everything." She pledged. And we spent the next hour just teasing each other with our mouths and tongues. Like the two teenagers we never got to be. We made out for sixty minutes of bliss.

"Mom, Dad we're home!" Alice yelled through the back door. "Fair warning!"

Esme lifted herself up as we had sprawled out across the couch- she lay across my chest, to enjoy our session. "Reality." She sighed.

I peeked over the back to note no children in view. Then I pulled her back down and rolled her under me. I shoved my hands under her bra and she gasped as I squeezed. Then I bit her stomach hard enough to leave a mark. She was panting and flushed within seconds.

I leaned up and kissed the tip of her nose. "Yes." I said in a remorseful tone. I stood up and left her practically writhing on the couch.

The pillow hit my in the back a second before she spoke. "Carlisle! That wasn't nice."

I turned with my wicked grin again—and questioning eyes. "Could've fooled me with the look on your face." Her mouth popped open and I chuckled as I turned to meet the kids in the kitchen.

"Hey guys." I said as I found them huddled around the stove.

"What 'cha making?" Alice asked.

I snickered. "Me?"

"Right Dad doesn't cook."

"What is Esme making?" Jazz asked cracking open a soda and sitting down at the table.

"Stew." Esme said joining the family like it was just any other night. She got down the dishes and I pulled out the silver ware.

Edward and Bella came in followed by Rose and Em. And once we all had a bowl and a seat we dug in. It was more than surreal to sit in the middle of this kitchen and see this happening.

When I first moved in… Jack had made this room a hell. I received most of my wounds in the kitchen—since that's where you keep the knives. And when Mary and I lived here I never spent enough time at home to eat dinner with my family. I tried to make sure we had family dinners every night with Alice and Rose but once Edward and Jazz moved in, I was working double shifts to help save the hospital money.

But tonight… looking around at my family—All of my family… My heart felt almost like it was breaking with all the love and completion it was filling up with.

"Hey," Esme said brushing her hand over my arm to pull me from my thoughts.

"Hey." I said with a husky tear filled voice.

"I know." She whispered and kissed my cheek. And she did. All of our lives I misunderstood her fear of me as a fear of all I hated in my world. A fear of my inadequacies. But really she was just like me. She was intimidated by all of this. It was almost too easy in the end really.

Esme and I just belonged together. Our worlds were not right without each other in them. And there was more love and acceptance and just plain feeling right in our bond than seemed real. It was scary because it was a huge responsibility. A huge risk that if something went wrong we would lose so much more than just a marriage and a home.

We would lose that part of our soul that made us whole.

But she held my hand as we ate. And at night she sat in the chair in the corner of my study—reading a book while I went over paper work from the hospital.

Then when it was time for bed—I carried her to _our_ bed. And I held her in my arms until the sun came up. And I knew… I never had to let her go. Or if I did, she would come back.

I watched her eyes dance behind her closed dusty rose lids as she slept. The early morning rays kissed her cheeks and made her look like she was glowing from within.

My angel.

Yes. Life with Esme completed me.


	24. Bridge over troubled water

**Bookends By: Bella's Executioner.**

**Rating: M- this means if you're under 16 you are agreeing to break your own ToS by reading this and I'm not your mother so be responsible for yourself.**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is the sole owner of the world of Twilight. She is Bella's creator. I am Bella's Executioner.**

**A/N: Bookends is the very first fanfiction I started writing. It's been on this site, moved and come back. It has errors, fuck ups and lots of proofs that I'm human but it also has all of my heart and soul in it. I welcome you into this world of pain and love and hope that you enjoy. I also welcome your thoughts as you read—pm me or review and I'll be happy to discuss the story with you.**

**Chapter 24: Bridge over troubled water**

**-**-Bookends-**-**

"Sometimes a breakdown can be the beginning of a kind of breakthrough, a way of living in advance through trauma that prepares you for a future of radical transformation." Cherrie Moraga

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**BPOV (three days before Edward leaves for Boston)**

It was nerve racking. I stared at the pink pastel notebook covered in purple petunias. I felt like Dr. Seuss had vomited in my head. It was not what I was looking for.

Then there was the all black notebook- complete with lineless pages. That was a little too on the ironic side for me.

I went with a plain notebook- the kind you find on sale for ten cents when school starts back. No frills just a blank surface to write on. I moved on to the pen and pencil section once my first battle was down.

_Damn it_. I had no idea what I preferred to use. Really I preferred a computer. But I was banned from that- I had to do this in a physically creative way. Use my hands to actually create the words and collect the thoughts.

Pen. Pencils left that smudge on the side of my hand. I didn't like smudges. I sighed. Why couldn't Bic just package one pen and call it a day. What the fuck was with all the choices? Who really gave a crap?

Sparkly ink. Disappearing ink. Green. Blue. Red. Reappearing Ink. Black. Fat pens. Small pens. Pens that had characters from Disney movies on the top that lit up when you pressed the tip on to the paper. This was starting to sound like an Oscar Meyer commercial.

Holy fuck. Who cared? I didn't. I grabbed the pens right in front of me- mid shelf down by my hand. Red ballpoints. That worked for me. I didn't care.

I slumped to the counter to pay. I should have needed to look around- shouldn't there be other things I was missing at this point. I hadn't been to a store in over a month. Wasn't I running out of stuff that would need replacing soon?

I shrugged my shoulders and forgot about it. This was also a test to see how long I could be separated from Edward before I dissolved in to a useless heap on the floor. So far it had been fifteen minutes and nearly twenty feet. He leaned on the hood of the Volvo glaring at the entrance. I restricted him from following me in.

He didn't like it- he didn't understand it. But I wouldn't explain it to him. What would I say? _Oh yah- you can't come in because when you leave in three days I want to make sure I don't die as soon as you're gone_. Yah that would keep him on track with going to the academy.

Even so he was cute as he sat in his martyred grimace. I couldn't believe he had only been gone for four months. He was so... intimidating now. Maybe it's because sexy had a different meaning to you once you actually had sex. But from his poutty lips to his worn sneakers he looked... fuckable. It made me shudder. He had a harder edge to his jaw- a raw look of heat in his chocolate eyes whenever they were focused on me. He was impossibly cool with his jeans and leather jacket and his sunglasses made his face look even paler than normal. His bronze hair was as unruly as ever and he didn't adjust the bit that fell in his eyes as he glared at the door- waiting for me.

_That's what he's doing Bella_. That voice inside my head was whispering. _He is waiting for you to pull your damn act together. And he won't wait forever_.

"Bella?" I heard my name but I felt by this time it might be a popular name. Maybe some new girl moved to town with the name Bella. And maybe, just maybe, she was standing behind me in line and that's who the boy was yelling at.

"Bella?" This time the call was followed by a timid tap on my shoulder. Fuck. I sighed.

"Yah Mike," I said without turning around. If I knew anything in my almost sixteen years of life it was Mike Newton's voice.

"What are your plans for the summer? Since you graduated so much earlier than all of us and… all?"

I rolled my eyes and put my pack of pens and notebook on the counter. By "all of us" Mike mostly meant only him. Jazz had taken the test like me and Alice was on home schooling so she was basically done before she started with a teacher like Dr. Cullen at home.

"Well, Mike. I'm going off to college." I still didn't turn around. I was doing that a lot lately. Jazz told me to work on that. My tunnel vision these days boiled down to only looking at Edward—but in my defense that was only because I couldn't see anything without Edward. All of my senses were fueled by his presence now. I know. I remember that time before he came back to me—well I remember the ride home and how totally lifeless my body was.

Edward was life. I wouldn't waste any more of my reserved charge that his body gave mine to use my senses and talk to Mike. The energy was precious and fleeting. Already I could feel my entire form slump at the thought of four days from now.

"Wow… where to? You following Edward to Boston?"

"No. She's staying home in town." A dark velvet voice said from my left. I wanted to cringe. I didn't want to explain the need for a pen and a notebook and not pop tarts and shoe laces. But when I felt Edward's arms snake around me… I forgot about everything but his warmth.

I melted into him with a sigh- Smiling at Angela Webber as she totaled up my bill. Mike shut up once Edward came in. Thank god. I had no desire to continue to make small talk about a life that wouldn't be worth living.

I paid Angela—apparently my future serenity rested on two dollars and some change. _Thanks Jazz. I feel healed already_.

Edward didn't find anything odd with what I bought—or at least he didn't say anything to me about it. He held my door open for me and we were quiet as he drove us back to the house.

He had his hand on the console between us. No real motive other than a comfortable position. _Reach out and grab it dummy_. I followed the mental command. It felt nice.

Edward looked over at me and smiled gently. I smiled back but quickly ducked my head. His fingers squeezed around mine as if to tell me it's okay.

How could I explain this to Jazz? How did I tell him that the way Edward and I were with each other was too subtle for either of us to fully understand and control. Jazz wanted me to assert control in our relationship—show myself that I was strong without Edward, though I trusted Edward and needed his support. But that's not how Edward and I supported each other—we did it silently and with shy looks and touches.

I couldn't assert some sort of dominance in this relationship. Edward was too used to others controlling him and then casting him aside. And I was sick of feeling trapped by people around me. I refused to group Edward with all of them.

So we sat in silence and I held his hand. It was like shouting in the middle of a quiet church in Edward and Bella language. And I was certain he heard me. Because we when got out of the car he was instantly by my side and holding my hand again.

_Thank you Edward. Thank you for knowing me. And for your patience._

_He's waiting for you Bella… and he won't wait forever_.

I clutched my pens and paper to my chest—fuck.

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**EPOV (that afternoon)**

FUCK! At times like these I actually wished I didn't cuss as much as I do. I no longer have any stronger words to express my frustration! SHITDAMNFUCKINGHELL! That is what I will have to say from now on.

She's shaking again. It's a sunny day, anyone else would be standing in the sun and basking. Bella is shivering like we are in the artic. GODFUCKINGDAMNIT! Do I touch her? She'll only act like I'm punching her lights out for a second, then she'll cling to me like I'm the only other life in her world.

This is more than Bella just needing time. This… I don't fucking know what this is. And she won't tell me. She just smiles at me and touches me—I don't flinch when I feel her fingers on my cheek. I don't close my eyes when she leans in for a kiss.

It's tearing me up. I turned to her, because with Bella is just motherfucking natural to hold her. She didn't flinch this time—in fact she fucking practically jumped into my arms.

"Edward?" She whispered. FUCK! My baby's voice made me want to cry. What the hell did I do to this girl? Alice said it wasn't rape but it was still my fault. I should have fucking staid. I should have snuck back and held her every fucking night for the last four months. Fuck! There could have been something wrong with her from that fucking drug she took the last day I saw her. And these fuckers never even bothered to notice her. She could be going fucking insane because of that and no one would give a fuck!

I gave a goddamnfuck.

"Yah baby?" She did flinch at that. Shit I forgot. Note to self. NEVER call Bella _baby_. I had figured that one out the first day I was back. That first morning she woke up and I called her that—she slapped my so hard I almost bled. Then she screamed out a fit of tears that made me nearly shit myself.

Alice knew something more than what she was telling me. Both of them did—she and Jazz. But everyone went all Lecter on me when I asked. Alice swore there was no way Bella felt raped—but fuck me if I didn't believe her. Bella was acting like she was attacked. I fucking knew the signs. I fucking lived them all my life.

If Bella didn't feel I raped her she still felt I was responsible for hurting her somehow. I wasn't the fucking moron they all took me for. And if they weren't going to fucking help me figure this out without confronting her… fuck I didn't want to have to fight with Bella.

But fighting was how we fucking communicated.

She pressed her little face into chest. Her voice was muffled and quiet but it felt like she was screaming at me. "How many more hours are there before you leave?" Fifty eight and a half. There were fifty eight and a half hours. Three thousand five hundred and ten minutes. Two hundred and ten thousand, six hundred seconds. And that still wasn't enough time. Fuck. I didn't want to go. I wanted to fucking look her in the eyes and say "never, not without you". But she wanted me to do this—she fought for me to be able to do this.

Bella shivered again in my arms. Fuck it. "Never. I'm not going anywhere without you." Yah the words had no fight behind them… but I was building up to the fight. _Come on Bella… fucking tell me what's going on_.

Bella sighed and moved away from me. Dammit. That wasn't what I was going for. She looked around the secluded meadow. I wish I could enjoy it the way she had wanted me to. This wasn't my sanctuary. The tree house was. I hated my own guts a little more when I realized that she would associate that place with sex now. Fuck.

"Bella?" She just blinked but said nothing. "I need you to fucking tell me what's going on." I watched her closely. Noted the way her eyes narrowed for just a second. Other than that she hid it very well. Fuck me. My girl was almost better at hiding than even I was.

"Bella… please." I whispered. I was through with skirting around the fucking bush. I needed to know. Deserved to know. I had to help her. She was still trapped inside her fucking head.

She looked down at her hands. "Nothing's up Edward. I'm just going to miss you… I… I missed you very much the last four months." She kept biting her lip. I had fought with Bella for four years. I knew better than anyone when she was holding back.

"Fuck the nothing's wrong act Bella!" I shouted. I jumped to my feet. I could never sit still when I let myself get pissed. I started pacing. Bella just kept fucking sitting and… lying.

"What! Did I hurt you? Did that fucking drug hurt you?" She looked up like I was speaking in Greek. I must have been fucking miles off base. "Well tell me!" She looked back at the grass like she was trying to… find a way to let me down easy or some shit.

A thought struck me that never had occurred to me before. Alice said something about Bella's life being disrupted… fuck. "Bella..." My voice was breathless. I couldn't fucking imagine a world where what I was about to say was true. But if it was I would leave right now and let her be. "Did you… do you want me back? In your life… I mean…" I swallowed and looked up at the trees. I couldn't look at her. "Did you move on while I was gone?"

Fuck it made sense when I thought about it. We hardly spoke, or even communicated at all for that matter, over the last four months. When we did it was strained and painful. Fuck. If she found five minutes of quiet peace without me here… and here I came back into her life to shit all over that fresh start.

Fuck.

"Edward." She sounded mad. I didn't want to make her angry. But I couldn't deny that I was fucking soaring to hear her mad. It was an emotion. I was beginning to fear that Bella only had one emotion anymore—distraught. Mad was something. Mad had passion and fire. Mad had a little hint of love.

Good. My baby was still in there somewhere.

I turned to face her. She was standing with her fists balled. "You think… this is that easy to cast off?" She laughed lightly. It was dark not happy. "You think…. For one fucking second that I can even breathe without you!"

My mind froze. She was pissed because… fuck women were so hard to figure out.

"Bel…"

"Shut the fuck up Edward!" My mouth slammed shut.

"I… it doesn't fucking matter what I am going through or didn't go through or whatever the fuck is going on in my mind! You… me… this…it's the most fucking important thing in the world to me! And if it were to you too, you wouldn't be able to fucking ask me that!"

She had tears of rage in her sweet green eyes. I shoved my hands in my pockets and wondered if my eyebrows would ever fucking come back down from the top of my forehead.

I let a little of my own fucking anger fill me. Admittedly it was the shit we were bottling up from Esme sending me away and from Carlisle making me stay in Seattle. It was frustration from that one stupid fucking night. And it was tension and worry and fucking innocence from what we did before I left. Two scared fucking kids.

"Bella… I fucking love you. I don't fucking love anything. But I fucking love you. You _know_ that." My voice wasn't raised in anger. It was quiet. And seething with emotion.

"Talk to me about that morning." Fuck. Her eyes got all wide and her entire face drained of color. Didn't feel fucking raped my ass.

I gripped my hands into fists in my pockets. I tried to keep from dying of self loathing right then and there. "Bella…" Delicately motherfucker. "I'm sorry." Tears were welling in my eyes as I tried to make it up to her. "So fucking sorry. I thought you were ready…. Fuck…. Did I hurt you?" My lip quivered and my entire body shook with the need to destroy myself if I had hurt her.

"Fuck. Edward." She whispered. I couldn't look at her. She came over to me and I closed my eyes to hide from her. My entire body was locked down—stone. Even when I felt her touch my face I felt sick to my stomach that I had hurt her.

"Edward you didn't hurt me. You didn't rush me… do… what are saying you thought happened?"

Fuck. I let out a self loathing huff of a laugh. "You know what I'm saying Bella."

She slapped me. Fuck me. One day I just might learn to not even mention rape around a woman. Apparently that was the one sure fire way to get slapped. "Snap out of this Edward." She said in the most collected voice I had heard from her since I got back.

I opened my eyes to find… well not my Bella but someone closer to her. There was actually color in her cheeks. There was a little bit of a light behind her eyes. It took my breath away to see it. "Bella." I mouthed. My hand moved to her cheek without my giving conscious command for it to do so.

She leaned it to it gently. "Edward." She whispered. Suddenly her lips were on mine. She was kissing me—and not that timid shit that she had been giving since my return. This was tongue and deep and fucking hot. I held on for dear life and hoped this girl didn't kill me someday.

"Bella..." I tried to speak around kisses. "What…" Her tongue dipped so far in that I forgot how to speak. Fuck. I forgot how good she tasted.

"Edward. Please. Don't leave me." My mind was fuzzy when she said it. But I noted that it was something important to pay attention to.

"Never baby." FUCK. She jumped back and I stood throbbing and achy and… fucking clueless.

"What?" I finally said. I ignored the fact that I now had a list of words I couldn't say around her. I ignored the fact that she was about ready to service me to keep me from leaving. I even ignored the fact that that little glimmer of my Bella was gone and this new… totally distraught Bella was back. I put all of that aside because I just wanted to know what the question in her eyes was about.

She stood in front of me like a three year old child. She shifted her weight back and forth on her legs—wiggling her hands together like she had no clue what I was talking about. Her eyes told me something else.

"Fuck Bella…" I whispered. I turned away from her with a deep breath. Maybe I should go—having me back didn't seem to do any good for her.

"Edward… you… do you mean it?" I froze. What the fuck did she just say? Did I mean it? Was she fucking kidding me?

"Are you fucking kidding me Bella?" I didn't turn around—I was mad. I let her take her rage out on me when she got mad. But I would never take mine out on her. That was dark shit that I never wanted to really tap in to around anyone. For right now I would be mad with words and hold the rest in.

I felt her hands work gently between my arms and torso from behind. I could hear her breath but she wasn't crying. Fina-fucking-lly. "Please… please don't leave me Edward." Fuck. There was a desperation in Bella's voice I knew all too well.

_Don't do it mom. Please… don't let him drink tonight. Please mom! Mom stop yelling at him… NO! Dad… please_… I flinched as the memory fucking gripped me. I got them less frequently now… but the memories of what my father did to me would never go away.

And I fucking knew. Bella felt abused. And she was trying to find some way, any way to stop the fear of it happening again.

My hands secured over hers. I would crawl across fucking broken glass for Bella. "I will never leave you again Bella."

I hung my head. I should have had it out with her—really fought with her to bring whatever it was she was afraid of to the surface. But I was tired. Tired of fighting.

When Bella was ready I would be here… waiting for her.

Forever.

**-**-Bookends-**-**

We slept together in my bed on the third floor now. I hadn't been in the tree house since that first night. I knew Bella was linking it to whatever was killing her. I just fucking wished I knew what it was. I could read people—everyone. I could sometimes read people so well it was like I could hear their thoughts. But never Bella. She was the greatest fucking mystery in my universe. I hated that. I hated that I couldn't help her. Anticipate what she needed. I had to trust that she would come around—come to me.

But when?

She sighed in her sleep and I clutched her to me tighter. It was one night in a sea of dark nights that I lie staring at the roof- not sleeping. I didn't sleep at night anymore. Bella only felt safe enough to relax like this while she was in my arms. Sleep threatened that I might move or shift and she might end up alone- even if only for one fucking second I refused to make her feel alone. So I stayed awake at night and slept in the afternoon alone.

This was going to be a long road for us. Our talk in the woods opened my eyes to that. There was so much distance between us now. Some I understood. We had not really even spoken to each other for four months. We both had grown- changed. Fuck we both were virgins that last time really saw each other. Now we were both exposed to a whole new dimension of our relationship. That I got.

I was a trapped scared motherfucker living under Tanya's threats when I left. Now I was free. And had all the time in the world. I didn't understand what was driving her away from me. I could only hope that one day Bella will finally trust me enough to share what the fuck was driving her insane.

Bella had taken up talking in her sleep since I left- weird. Fucking weird. Bella used to sleep like the dead before. Now she mumbled... most of it was gibberish but every now and then... she'd whisper my name.

In those moments my heart would flip- as long as she kept whispering my name in her sleep I knew we were fucking good. This funk was just something I had to figure out, but we were still good. She still wanted me. Needed me.

It was fucking frustrating to say the very least. All I wanted to do when I got home was run over to her and hold her in my arms. Kiss every inch of her body and pledge my undying love for her.

But the girl who met me in this tree house that day- that wasn't fucking Bella. I would help her find that girl I once knew. She had to still be in there- fuck she was the voice that was murmuring through those pale pink lips right now. I just had to have patience. Alice was right. Bella just needed time.

Fucking time.

There was a never-ending amount of it stretching in front of us- and yet I kept feeling like it was slipping away from me right now.

Fuck.

"Edward…" Bella whispered. My arms grew tighter still. "Stay. Please. Don't go… don't leave me."

I closed my eyes. One tear slipped down my cheek. If all she wanted was me here. Then she would get just that. I would never leave her again.

"He won't wait forever…" She said.

I opened my eyes. Yes I would.

Time. She could have every last second of my life.

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**BPOV (the next morning)**

I sat in front of the blank white paper. Jazz's words were in the back of my head.

"_We need to find you an outlet Bella. What is it you like to create... What do you use your hands to physically create?" _

It was impossible for me to come up with anything. I wasn't Alice with her fashion. Or Rose with her love of rebuilding cars. I wasn't even Edward with his art...

_I write_. I offered with that same empty voice that had filled my blank mind for the last month. I never spent too much time in there. But there was something in me when I said it that felt odd in my stomach... hope maybe. A memory of an innocence lost.

"_Yes. That's perfect. I want you start each day with a journal. The first ten words should just be the first ten things that come to your head. Ten words that just come out of you. Then ignore them and write... anything you want. Just write."_

I had stared, or glared, at him for a long while after that. _"Jazz... I don't want to see what just comes out of my head."_ I had finally just shut it up and blocked it out. Why would I work so hard to open it again?

"_I didn't say you have to read it Bella. Just write. Don't bother to read it just think and write... and if you feel you want to read it then do. But I want you to express what's going on inside here."_ He pointed to my temple and I squeezed my eyes shut. I didn't want to express that. I wanted to bury it.

I opened my eyes at the thought. Bury. I didn't think about it often but sometimes it just popped in there before I could stop it.

"_Jazz?"_ I whispered. He looked at me with his detached eyes—that's why I liked talking to Jazz. He didn't make me feel like I was some head case. _"Was there... did they bury the baby?"_

His facade wavered and in some ways I was okay with seeing it- I would think even him heartless if he didn't feel something when I asked that. _"Bella..." _he began delicately. Like I had so many times lately- I suddenly felt so guilty for what I was doing to Jazz.

Such a demon soul-sucker I was.

"_I don't know. They... came in to discuss stuff like that but you..."_ He looked away. I nodded to show I didn't need any more explanation. Understood.

"_Ten words. Then write. How long do I write."_

"_Until you want to stop."_

I nodded. I could do that. I wasn't some dumb kid who expected poor Jazz to be some kind of miracle worker. He had no real training- and I was a lost cause.

So now I sat staring at my first morning journal in this insane journey back to what little bit of Bella was left up there.

First ten words.

_BLOOD. FUCK. HELL. SHIT. BLACK. EDWARD. SLEEP. DREAM. RED. DEATH_.

I sighed once those were out. I counted as I wrote. That might have led or affected the way I came up with them or what I came up with. Maybe that was part of the point. Whatever Bella... just write and get this over with.

I raised my hand to the top of the next page. This was harder. This was searching in the ashes of some creative death in my mind that was scaring me shitless. Writing stems from the soul- and I was pretty sure mine no longer existed.

That sounded good- brooding almost. So I wrote it.

_Writing stems from the soul and I was sure mine no longer existed_.

My hands were starting to shake as I finished the first line. _Maybe that was enough for today_. One part of my mind was telling me. _I want more_ said another.

_I'm scared_.

My breaths were coming harder as I wrote that.

_I want to be normal_.

I dropped the pencil and closed the book. That was enough for one day.

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**CPOV (that afternoon. Forks hospital)**

"Good morning Mrs. Ermerson." I smiled at the white haired petite woman waiting for me in room A5. I glanced at her chart. She had come in for blood work. Possible heart condition.

I nodded as I read the results. Just what I thought. "Your test came back negative. So that is very good news." My eyes shifted from her relieved face to the possibly more relieved face of her husband. His hands were vice grips on her shoulders.

I smiled as I continued. "But, you know I like to error on the side of caution. So…" I rolled my stool over to the desk and wrote out a recommendation for our heart specialists. "This is Dr. Marcus' number. Now he is only here on the second Tuesday of the month but I will make sure Carol sets up an appointment for you to see him. This test was negative but there is still that little episode two weeks ago that concerns me." I saw Mr. Emerson's eyes widen around the word concern.

"Not in a threatening way. Just something I would like a more qualified opinion on." She turned and patted him on the chest. I could see he was still not completely sated on my answer. But she had that affect on him. The one that Esme had on me.

"Thank you Dr. Cullen." She said.

"Please. Call me Carlisle. And no need for thanks." I stood to leave and looked back one more time to see them sharing a private gentle kiss. It made me smile as I walked back to my office. They were in their seventies. Until a few weeks ago… I never thought I would even hope to be that happy at that age.

"Carol?" I said coming up to her desk. "Please make sure Martha Emerson is first on Marcus' list for next Tuesday. And reschedule the Webber twins for their shots. I want to get out of here early today and their mother said something about wanting to reschedule anyway."

Carol nodded. I headed into my office. There was a note taped to my phone. I hadn't even removed my coat and stethoscope. Good thing. It said I had a patient waiting in room C25.

I wondered about it. It wasn't Carol's handwriting. And she hadn't warned me about it when I came in the room.

"Carol? You know anything about C25?"

She shook her head. "No. But Brandy covered my lunch she might have taken the message and forgot. C wing is mostly just outpatient isn't it?" She was dialing Marcus so I let it go. I was pretty cool with just figuring it out as I went along.

Being an out patient, it could be something as simple as me just visually checking them for release. I could still make it home in time to surprise Esme with a home made… something. I was no cook. But I could bake. Maybe a cake. She liked chocolate.

I had decided by the time I hit C22—definitely a chocolate cake with dark chocolate icing. And some sliced strawberries on top. I was surprised to find no chart in the box on the door. Odd. I wondered if I had the right room.

Oh well. I knocked. "Come in." A quiet female voice answered.

"Good morning." I said searching by the door for a chart. This was getting a little unprofessional of my colleagues. "I'm Carlisle Cullen. I'm here to…" I laughed lightly. "I really don't know what I am here for."

"Me." I turned at the sound of her voice. It hit me at the same moment that I heard her—orange blossoms and spring flowers. Fuck.

Esme was sitting on the bed. She was wearing… well I wasn't sure what because she had a lab coat buttoned up over it. If I were not as strong of a man… I would have dropped from the sudden weakening of my knees.

She was smiling—the Cheshire cat. Fuck. Payback time buddy. I tried to hide my smile but failed miserably. She fucking pleased me to no end.

"What seems to be the problem?... Miss…" I raised my eyebrows as if her name was foreign to me.

"Cullen." She offered. Fuck me. I almost dropped to my knees at the sound of that. Esme Cullen. Since I was eight years old that was the name I always wanted next to mine. Mr. and Mrs.—Carlisle and Esme. I took in a sharp breath and tried to play along.

"My name is Dr. Cullen. And I am here to see _you_." Her eyes smoldered and I realized I was playing the wrong role. Immediately I removed my coat. She patted the bed. And I hopped up.

"Now." She took the glasses from my shirt pocket. I smiled. Her hand lightly brushed my chest and my heart jumped.

She put on my glasses and held up the tongue depress. "Say ah…" She opened her mouth as an example and my tongue nearly jumped out of mine to fill the space. Fuck. _Play along Carlisle. She wants to do this. Give her the control_.

My hands twitched to touch her as I complied and she leaned closer to look down my throat. She smelled so good. That other part of my brain—the one that existed to possess her, was waking up. We had welcomed the sunrise together on the floor in our bedroom. It was a wonder either of us could even move these days.

"Very good." She said stepping back and pretending to make a note on a chart. "Nice tongue." She said smiling. She put my glasses down.

"It has its moments." I admitted smugly. My hands inched closer to her. The longer I allowed myself to gear up for sex with her… the harder it was to control the other part of my brain.

She leaned in and sampled one of those moments. My hands jumped off of the bed but I slapped them down on my thighs. _Let her do it her way_. I reminded myself. She kissed me—long and deep and hard. Fuck. I loved this woman.

"Now, Carlisle, I am going to have to perform some tests on you…" She could perform whatever she wanted. I locked the door once I saw it was her. "If at any point during these tests you feel pain or discomfort… I would like for you to say red." I nearly laughed at that one. She was giving me a safe word. She was fucking adorable. I doubted there was anything she could do to me that would make me want to stop.

"Carlisle…" She leaned against my lips one more time. My mind was growing hazy from her breath. The animal was making me ready for anything. Already I was hard for her.

"Yes. Dr. Cullen…" My voice was thick with my need for her.

"Do you understand?"

"Red. Stop. Never gonna need it." She smiled at my husky response.

Her hand threaded through my hair—making my eyes roll back in my head. "Good." She whispered.

"Let's take this shirt off shall we." I nodded but kept my eyes closed. I was trying to gear myself up for this mentally. There was a fine line I would have to face right now. I had to give her the control—let her lead this. But I had to be ready to unleash the beast when she wanted it. Keeping him caged while she played was going to be… painful.

I felt her teeth on my nipple and I sucked in a sharp hiss. It felt really good. "How is your heart these days Carlisle?" She breathed against my flesh. Her tongue flicked out to taunt and play with my skin. It was on fire—every fucking inch of my body.

Her fingers traced the spot on my neck where my pulse was practically splitting my skin. "Pulse seems strong—good…" She bit the base of my neck. Bit it hard enough to maybe even draw blood. I couldn't hold back the moan. My hands jumped to her waste. My mind was yelling to stop… but fuck.

"Now… now." She backed away. The animal growled.

"We need to check the rest of you out. Please stand up and remove the rest of your clothes."

I complied. My pants were on the floor almost faster than I was. My boxers I removed slower—keeping her eyes locked with mine with every inch that I lowered them.

Her eyes were dark with lust. Good.

She eyed my obvious desire for her- But walked around to my back first. Her hands were on my shoulders and my moving down my back. _Yes. Please. More_.

I was so ready for her it hurt. _Please Esme. Let me take over. No. Carlisle, she wants to do this. Let her have control. Balance. We needed a balance_.

She came back around to my front. Her hands pressed against my chest. My hips thrust toward her against my will. I really needed to work on my self control. She was doing an amazing job. I was such a slave to my need for her.

She wrapped her hand around my erection. Fuck. My eyes rolled back in my head again.

"Turn and cough please." I could hear the smug smile in her voice.

I think my head turned to the side—I grunted instead of coughed. Too far gone. I was already too far gone.

"I need to do a psych evaluation on you I fear. You seem to be losing some cognitive responses. I'm going to ask you to do whatever I tell you to." I smiled. She was too fucking good at this. Smart girl.

She was going to let me loose—but under her supervision. Fuck I loved her.

"Carlisle," She waited until I opened my eyes and looked in to hers. "Please undress me." My blood pounded through my veins as I did it. All I touched were her clothes. She hadn't asked for anything else.

It was intoxicating—watching her growing more and more aroused as she controlled me. I wanted to follow her commands completely—whatever brought her more pleasure. It was always about bringing her pleasure first.

She braced her hands on my shoulders as I removed her shoes, socks, pants… and her panties. I knelt before her as I finished. I rather liked the position. I could see that she was just as ready for me as I was for her. I licked my lips.

She ran her fingers through my hair—like I was her pet tiger. I closed my eyes to the tingling sensation that her touch brought to my scalp. I purred with each pass of her fingers.

"Good boy." She whispered. She stepped closer to me. I could smell her—orange blossoms and spring flowers mixed with her arousal.

She drew me closer to her. I pulled my lips back to enjoy her. _Thank you mistress… Please let me taste you_.

"No." She said at the last second. I wanted to sigh. I would win her over to the idea of my lips on both sets of hers one day. She enjoyed it. She was just… new.

"Lie down on the bed." She commanded. I obeyed. But before I stood up I placed one quick kiss on her swollen flesh.

She gasped and I chuckled. She slapped my ass as I jumped up on the bed. I winked as I lay down.

"One more move like that I might have to refer you to another doctor." She threatened. I frowned.

"But your treatment is the only thing that helps." I feigned fear. "Please Dr. Cullen… I _need_ you."

She smiled. "Put your hands above your head." She told me as she straddled me on the bed. For the first time since I saw her in this room I panicked that we might get caught. When she led at home, Esme liked to do things slow. She liked the build up. And though that was fucking awesome to do at home- It was only a matter of time until we were caught here.

"Esme…" I started to warn. She put her finger on my lips.

"Hands above your head. And if you want to speak again… it better be either a growl of desire or the word _red_." My hands gripped the top of the bed. I wouldn't say red. I didn't want to lose my job and my license. But I didn't want to stop more.

I groaned as she lowered her body on to mine—no warning she just took me deep inside her in one sharp move. Fuck. What was I saying about her liking it slow?

"Now…" Her fingers ran down my chest—her nails digging into the flesh lightly. Fuck that felt so good. The pounding was starting up again. She felt so hot and wet and sweet around me cock. And her smell was bringing the tiger to the surface.

I wanted to say her name—beg her to take me and put me out of my misery. But my mistress had given me an order. I opened my mouth and moaned my need for her.

She smiled. Her face was dark—she felt it. That high…that thrill of the control. It was fucking powerful to know that someone was totally at your mercy. That they were willing to throw away everything that they were for you. For even just a moment of pleasure with you.

Out breaths grew ragged in unison. She lowered her mouth to mine. Fuck. I growled as she bit my lower lip.

I was glad I was off the clock after this. I probably looked like I got beat up in the men's room.

She started to move above me. Fuck. I growled some more. Actually there was a permanent rumble in my chest. This woman was driving me…wild.

She started to gasp and whimper and cry out silently. That drove me more insane. I tried to hold still—she hadn't told me to move. It was getting… hard.

"Carlisle…" She whimpered. Fuck she was close.

"Please…" She begged. What could I do? She had me pinned down. I opened my eyes and told her as much with my eyes.

"Fuck me." She finally said. _Thank you mistress_.

I growled louder as I jumped to life. I threw her on the bed beneath me. Driving in to her. Moving my mouth and hands all over her body. I teased. I bit. I licked. She thrashed and cried. Our cries had no sound to them—but there was a building pulse in the air.

Fuck.

Everything was feeling. Everything was sensation and heat.

Everything was Esme.

And when we both reached our peak everything was light and sound and… perfection.

I collapsed on top of her. We were like we were every time we did this. Spent. Breathless. Fucking high.

My cheek was against her left breast and my mouth hung open drawing in gusts of air to steady my heart.

She seemed to calm sooner than me. But then she had the benefit of control today. Where as I was still a little intoxicated on the thrill of being controlled. Her fingers were in my hair again.

Fuck that felt good—everything she did felt good.

"I love you Carlisle." She said plainly. I smiled.

"No fair." I panted. "Can't breathe." She laughed. I rubbed my cheek against her breast. Mine. It was all mine. She was all mine.

Fuck.

"Marry me Esme." The words fell out like I was telling her the sex was great or we needed to buy milk on the way home. Automatic. I had mind blowing fucking awesome sex with her and then proposed marriage to her.

Her hand stopped. Her breath stopped. I rose up to see her face. What was she thinking? How bad had I insulted her?

I expected shock—and I found it. But then I saw something else I wasn't expecting. She was nodding her head. Her eyes were filled with tears. And she was speechless. And she couldn't stop nodding her head.

I nodded along with her for a moment.

"Yes." I said. She smiled and kept nodding silently.

I kissed her. "Yes." She said in agonizing sweetness. "Yes. Yes. Yes." The nodding was replaced with the quiet chanting.

"Let's get dressed." I offered. Her reply to that was also yes.

Once we were dressed and I pulled the sheets from the bed for wash. I suddenly felt like a total and complete bastard.

"I don't have a ring." I admitted. I hadn't thought of asking her before. I never wanted to be married again after Mary left. I never technically got divorced the first time. And I knew Esme didn't have fond memories of her first union.

"Don't need one." She said shrugging. She laced her fingers through mine. "Just keep these wrapped around my fingers and I'll be happy."

Happy. I kissed her. I loved her.

Yes. We were finally happy.

Carol raised her eyebrow when she saw us. I had made sure we fixed the good and fucked hair that we both were sporting but the good and fucked glow that we both had couldn't be hidden.

I told her goodnight and left with my future wife on my arm.

"Okay." I said when we got into the car. "We're even."

She threw her head back and laughed. "Caught me." She winked. Then a devilish gleam caught the corner of her eye.

She held her hands out in front of her toward me. "Take me in. Cuff me and punish me tonight. I've been a bad, bad girl."

Fuck.

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**EPOV**

I was sketching when she came in. I ran my hand along the side of her cheek on the page and smiled. I really missed being able to just touch her like that.

She didn't say anything. She just sat next to me and put her head on my shoulder. I guess that felt normal—casual.

It was just such a fucked up relationship that we had built from the start. We were kids who were possessed with emotions we couldn't understand. Then we were angry teenagers who beat each other up and messed with the other's heart because that was the only way we knew to show affection. But that day… when she said she loved me.

Fuck.

I was so fucking confused.

"What are we going to do now Edward?"

I shrugged. "Whatever you want. I don't really have any aspirations Bella." I really didn't—not anymore. I really only wanted to be with her. Help her heal. Show her how much I adored her and love her forever.

"What were your plans for school?" I could enroll with her. Go to college here. It was something.

"Edward." She chided. "You are more talented than the whole of Forks put together. You can compose. You can draw. You… you can do anything." I looked deep into her eyes. When she said it… I believed it.

I blinked—my mind blank to the options.

"But all I want is to be with you. And I'm not going to Boston Bella. I called the director this morning. She was bummed but she understood. Family comes first. There's no future without you." She pursed her lips as I continued. "Stop it right now, Isabella Swan. I'm not giving anything up. I'm gaining more time with you. So… stop." I raised one eyebrow and she giggled.

"You stop Edward… Cullen." We both smiled at that. I would never tire of the sound of it. "You are giving up a brilliant opportunity… and let's not pretend that that is something easy to do. Okay?"

I nodded. It was easy. Choosing Bella always had been and always would be the easy choice.

"So now what?" I asked.

She shrugged. "I'm going to tell my mom that I'm moving out. And then the sky is the limit."

My heart raced at the thought. Fuck. Esme was barely starting to warm up to the idea that I didn't need to die anytime soon. She would murder me when Bella told her that. She was only fucking fifteen.

"Bella." I tried to find the right words. Fuck. "Fuck Bella… we can't do that. You're a kid. I mean legally—you are very much a kid. We… I… don't put me in that position Bella."

Her face fell a little. I knew how she felt. There was enough shit in our lives that we both were middle aged teens. But this was reality. We had to face it like the adults we wanted to pretend we were.

"Well… Carlisle is letting Alice and Jazz move to New York this fall… maybe we can move with them? The four of us in New York. I have no idea what you and I will do…"

For a second I considered what she was saying. Fuck. Carlisle had some pretty large amounts of trust in his kids. And he had a pretty damn good reason to want an empty house.

I sighed. "What will we say we're doing in New York?"

"I don't know Edward. We will have to just live and see. Don't you want to do that? Don't you want to find that moment when we can just… live. This is our moment Edward… we get to choose what we want. Not just be what we should be."

I leaned over and kissed her lips. She didn't flinch. She didn't pull back. I had to admit. She seemed… a little less withdrawn. Maybe this would be good for us. A fresh start. Control in our hands. It sounded…really fucking good.

"Okay. We'll talk to Alice and Jazz. And then tonight we'll talk to Esme and Carlisle. But Bella..." She looked up at me with… hope in her eyes. Fucking hope. Shit. I forgot what I was going to say. I would do anything to keep that spark in her eyes.

"Yes Edward?" She asked in confusion.

"I love you." I whispered. She smiled. It didn't reach her eyes.

"And I love you."

Forever. My silent promise.

Forever.


	25. When you're weary

**Bookends By: Bella's Executioner.**

**Rating: M- this means if you're under 16 you are agreeing to break your own ToS by reading this and I'm not your mother so be responsible for yourself.**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is the sole owner of the world of Twilight. She is Bella's creator. I am Bella's Executioner.**

**A/N: Bookends is the very first fanfiction I started writing. It's been on this site, moved and come back. It has errors, fuck ups and lots of proofs that I'm human but it also has all of my heart and soul in it. I welcome you into this world of pain and love and hope that you enjoy. I also welcome your thoughts as you read—pm me or review and I'll be happy to discuss the story with you.**

**Chapter 25: When you're weary**

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**JPOV (the next day)**

I sat in the tree house watching the rain fall. Edward told me once that sitting up here was the most peaceful experience of his life. As with a great deal of many things these days, I was finding out that I was a very different person from my brother.

Brother. I couldn't really even consider myself that anymore could I? I thought about what it meant to be a brother. I remembered Edward teaching me to tie my shoes. Saw him humming a lullaby to me when I had a bad dream. I could remember every time he screamed and came back to our room bleeding. He'd tell me to go to sleep and then he wouldn't. He'd stay up all night to keep me safe—protect me.

Edward's life was so full of hell and raging fear that sitting here must have been like a refuge from the world. He had spent so much of his childhood dealing with it. He had had his bones broken and skin torn. He had loss teeth and gotten stitches. There wasn't much that Edward hadn't seen and survived. But for me... I could still see the blood. I could still hear her screams.

I ran my hand over my face once more. There was a pressure building in the world below me. One that I was only adding to but was helpless to relieve. There was never only one person hurt in any situation. When love grows between two people it's impossible to separate the two when pain is introduced too. I was so lucky to have Al. We could talk and she could hold me and discuss this hell together. Bella... Bella was so naked and alone in her pain. And Edward… I closed my eyes and saw his cheek so bruised that it swelled to the size of a golf ball. His brown eyes were soft as he told me to just go to sleep. He'd protect me.

I pulled my legs up against my chest. I faced the Swan side of the tree. I could see Rose and Em teasing each other in the kitchen. He was standing behind her with his arms wrapped around her waist. He nuzzled her neck while running a stray hand down the front of her pants. She was playfully swatting him away. It was a seemingly odd image, to people who refused to believe that love could exist anywhere and with anyone, but one of the most comforting ones I had ever seen.

She had cut her hair short when she came home from the testing back east. She was on her official hormones and wanted her year of what she was calling _female probation_, to show in the length of her hair. There was no facade to make others feel comfortable around her when she was home. She didn't wear a wig, or her breasts. In fact she was wearing one of Em's shirts and a matching pair of sweats to the ones he was wearing. If it weren't for the touching you would have thought they were brothers hanging out in the kitchen. But as Em touched his lips lightly to Rose's and she wrapped her arms around his neck to deepen her end of the kiss... everything was perception. The outside world might try to say they see something wrong- I just saw two happy people in love.

_Go to sleep Jazz. I'll stay up. You'll be safe. He's passed out by now anyway. Come on… you can sleep next to me. I won't sleep. I promise. I'll protect you._

I sighed. I would have to get used to this. If I wanted to be a decently successful psychiatrist I would have to get used to masking my opinion from what was the right thing to do. It was not the right thing for Bella to bottle this all up right now. But it was even more a wrong thing to push her by telling anyone her secret. She would break. And I feared there would be no coming back from that. In my mind were split images of Edward clutching a bleeding arm to his chest as our father tried to break down our bedroom door, and the image of Bella clawing at her own wrist in that hospital bed.

I shivered. Em and Rose were swaying to an invisible melody now. She rested her head on his shoulder and let him lead. It was so effortless for them. It was far from easy and it was risky and dangerous for her to go through with the surgery- But it was like breathing for her to know who she was and how she should go about living that way. When Em needed support Rose was there with open arms and when Rose needed a shoulder… well there she was resting against it.

Edward and Bella were getting good at that whole game. I even caught her smiling this morning. Well, not smiling, that implies some happiness in the expression, but she wasn't glaring at the floor. And her cheeks were a little flushed as Edward kissed her. So much progress in such a short amount of time. But that was the illusion. If you didn't know what was boiling under the surface, you would see Edward and Bella as such a happy, normal couple of kids. But I knew. She was seeking an end and he was holding them both back two inches from that edge.

No. I couldn't tell anyone her secret. Bella would kill herself. And Edward would follow her.

Fuck.

"What are you doing?" Alice whispered behind me. She had fallen asleep some time in the last hour. The rain was a peaceful pulse on the roof. We had been lying together listening to it when I was washed in my never ending guilt.

"I have to tell him Alice... but I..."

"Can't." Her tiny voice was anything but small in my ears. It was an echoed shouting in a silent monastery. As his brother I owed Edward the truth. He trusted me. He protected and looked out for me. I owed him the same in return. But I wasn't silent for Edward. I was silent for Bella.

"Just tell him Jazz. So the shit will hit the fan for a little while but, personally, I think Bella deserves that. She acts without thought because she knows there will be no consequence. Well there was one hell of a consequence this time... And..."

"_Shut up Al_." I whispered through dark lips. What she said sounded logical. But it wasn't true. The mind was a delicate blend of needs and realities. Bella would lose hers. Bella would probably have to be hospitalized and medicated if she was pushed too hard too fast. As it was, I was confident that she could be counseled around to facing this and moving on. But she was years away from that with the way her mind was protecting her right now.

"Sorry." Al mumbled though there was no true apology to it.

I turned to face her. She I could be serious and completely honest with. I fostered that and leaned on it heavily right now.

"Look... I know it seems like Bella is being some spoiled, sheltered little kid right now. But... well fuck Al, that's what she is. Bella never had the right training for a relationship like the one she has with Edward. Bella never had an outlet for the shit that pulls her down."

Al scoffed. "She had _me_."

"No. She had someone who faced hell so much worse than what she lived through that she began to view her problems as trivial. She pushed them down. She saw Esme push them down. She saw Charlie never have any problems. She saw Em laugh at problems. But our brother had more than problems. And he had some cosmic drive toward that lost little girl. She was drawn to Edward because he was release... he needed her and that was how her inner issues manifested themselves- as someone who could help someone else and make them feel wanted and needed, because that makes her feel wanted and needed."

Als brows formed a deep V. I swallowed hard against my "Jazz did too much research at the library last week" sounding speech.

"Look Al, I'm not going to do a full psych on her- mainly because I am completely unqualified to do it. But in regards to this... fuck Al." I sighed and went back to watching my sister and her fiancé kiss in their kitchen.

"_She's fifteen_. Even a grown woman would have problems just jumping back into life after what she survived. And she was pretty damned troubled before she got pregnant. There isn't much stability to jump back to."

Al huffed. "Jazz, you and I have both survived stuff a lot worse and much younger. She's just being _Bella_. Edward's back and she knows he will take care of her. I'm telling you now, I knew from the moment Edward and you came back and Bella started giving him attention that it would end up like this. I knew that that boy would finally open up and love something. And that if she didn't pull her shit together and figure out who she is... well hell we all see what would happen..."

"Shut up Alice." It should have seemed wrong to say it. This time it wasn't some hoarse whisper. This time it was strong and true and loud enough that she knew I meant it. I wasn't joking. She didn't know shit about it this time.

"Bella is _FIFTEEN_ Alice. Her mind and body have had no time to figure anything out about what it just went through. She took a drug that really fucked with her mind. She no sooner got home than she jumped in to sex. SEX ALICE! You know as well as I that that is not something that you just do. Your body and mind are saturated in so many hormones that you can't think straight. And those hormones mix with emotions that fuck with your mind all the more. Did she do it to keep him? Did she do it to protect him? Did she do it because it was right and pure- or for some other reason. All of that crap is in her head along with the knowledge that everyone she should be able to lean on would hate that decision. And then the guy she put that much trust in was gone." Her face loss some of the shock as I started to make sense.

"Fuck Alice! Think about it. Bella was trying to be some grown up adult all in one moment and she was still trying to handle nearly fucking dying. Then she finds out that she's pregnant and she knows that Esme won't help her. Hell every adult in her life betrayed her and symbolized a loss of Edward. So she kept it a secret. It wasn't right but it wasn't hard to see where she was coming from."

Alice's face pulled into an 'O'. "Now when someone gets pregnant, and I am no expert, but I am pretty sure that there are all sorts of hormones screwing with your mind and emotions then too. And Bella had her fears intensified. Terrifying. Seriously Alice, she was terrified... and she was stressed. Stressed and confused, and scared so shitless that she forced her body to... fuck Alice. Can you imagine feeling so scared that your body would do that? That your body would say that it wanted to hurt it self? Because that's how Bella sees it Alice. She thinks she hurt her body so hard and deep that it decided to hurt her back. Can you imagine that?"

"Yes Jazz, I can." She was looking down at her hands when I looked back. Fuck. Would there ever come a day when someone in this family didn't feel like this? For the one millionth time since I found the flyer that day we faced Tanya in court, I was glad that I was going into psychiatry.

"Alice." My voice was softer now but I still felt a need to defend Bella. Mostly because I didn't agree with what I was allowing to happen. But I had to let it happen.

"You know you can always talk to me."

"I know. And that's why I can't stand watching her. Can't she see what this is doing to him Jazz? Can't you? I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. She's killing him just as much as she did herself and all she has to do..."

"Is what Alice?" I snapped. She froze as I attacked once more. "She's fifteen. Esme wanted to castrate him before. You don't think that prison is in his future if she were to find out that Bella was pregnant? And don't..." I threw up my hands to stop what I knew she would say. "She would do it Alice. She is seething under the surface right now. She can't stand having him back. She wanted to deny him the right to be adopted. Seriously Alice. She was willing to rob him of his identity and you think that she _won't_ see that as rape. How many times did I tell her the truth about that night at Push? And she still wants to blame him."

"But why would she even have to know?"

I sighed. This was so exhausting. "Because the help Bella will need can only be approved through her legal guardian until she is over eighteen. Esme would have to know. It's insane Alice. I know. But she's trapped by her age. And dealing with stuff way above her maturity level. And fuck. Those are all really superficial problems compared to what is really keeping her silent right now. Right now in her mind... she couldn't tell Edward even if she tried. Her mind wouldn't let her. She's not so much in denial as just split personalities. One that says it's not fair to burden Edward and... one that says its all his fault."

Alice gasped and it was finally my turn to look confused. "Edward asked me not that long ago if Bella felt..."

"Raped?" I offered. Her little eyes were wide with pain. I nodded. "Yes. She feels that way. Just like a victim of abuse or an attack like rape, Bella is trapped by the trauma. She is ashamed and she is hurt. And she is afraid to force anyone to share it with her. I wouldn't doubt that when she opens her mouth to confess it that she loses the ability to speak."

"God Jazz..." Alice rested her forehead on my shoulder. What is it like to be so ruled by fear?"

I laughed- sarcastic and dark.

"No." Alice raised her head to make her point. "We feared someone else. We feared what would be done to us. Even Edward feared Tanya and Ed more than himself. Bella... she's afraid of _her_… of Bella- Of what she did to her baby. Of what she is doing to Edward. Afraid that she is nothing worth saving. And..."

Tears welled and flowed from her midnight blue eyes. Eyes that looked just like my adopted father's. How I had never noticed that she was Carlisle's biological daughter I would never know.

"We can't do it for her Alice. Bella is only going to survive this if she finds the strength inside of her. We have to help her find that. But she has to take that last step... alone."

I wiped the tears from her cheeks with my thumbs. And for another long minute we sat there together- just listening to the rain.

"What was in the envelope Jazz? You never told me."

I sighed and watched Rose finish dinner with Em off doing something in another part of the house. She had a contented smile on her lips. Life was good in that preserved moment.

"Nothing."

"What?"

I turned to her and leveled her with my crooked smile. "My real name is Jasper Ethan Hale. And my parents were Peter and Charlotte Hale. Peter died before I was born. Charlotte had his sperm frozen and had… me created I suppose you might say. She wasn't in the best of health to begin with herself, but she wanted a child. She survived the entire pregnancy but died at my birth. There was a letter from Charlotte telling me this. And a birth certificate." I shrugged. The rain was falling harder now. But it was nothing. I burned it.

She hit my shoulder. "Jazz how could you? That is... well..."

"What Al?" I laughed. "That's not who I am. You're going to tell me that some piece of paper dictates history?" I shook my head and she fought her smile as I continued to flash mine. "Nah. I was never a Hale and only briefly a Masen. I've always been a Cullen. Just like you and Rose... and Edward."

She nodded and rolled her eyes. Then that devilish gleam that she got more recently since we started to explore a more physical relationship took over her cute little face. Vixen.

"Although." She purred and teased the air in front of my lips with her own. I instinctively forgot about everything but her scent and how close we were. "I do kind of like the name. _Jasper_." She whispered. I groaned when she pulled back before I could touch my lips to hers.

"It's a stupid name Alice. My name's Jazz." I whimpered as her little tongue touched my lips but she still kept me from kissing her.

"Can't I call you it... please?" Her breath pushed toward my face as she whispered.

"Call me whatever you want." I grabbed her and she squealed as I rolled us to the bed. I captured her lips with mine.

"Oh." We both gasped and turned at the small voice from the Cullen side of the tree house. We were frozen as we saw Bella fumbled with not looking directly at us.

Fuck.

"Bella." I said. I tried to pull off of Alice but Bella was already half down the tree when I got to the opening.

"I'm sorry you guys. I just... have you seen my notebook?" She stood at the base of the tree and refused to look up at us.

"I saw it in your underwear drawer a few minutes before I came up here." I looked over at Alice with a raised brow.

"That's where we keep the tampons." She swatted my arm and rolled her eyes.

When we looked back down... Bella was gone.

I sighed.

"Moot point?" Alice said picking one small fingers at the fly of my jeans. I nodded.

"Come on." I said and had her follow me down out of the tree. The rain had slowed enough that it wasn't dangerous.

I took a minute longer before I followed her to go back inside. I looked first at the image of Rose having Em taste her cooking and the light kissing that they shared in their domestic bliss. And then I stared at the dark sanctuary of the tree house. No. I wouldn't go back up there. I doubted that it would be a relief to any of us to end up in that tree ever again.

-**-Bookends-**-

**BPOV (Journal day 2)**

_HURT. CRY. LOVE. WANT. NEED. PAIN. Edward. SLEEP. TALK. BLOOD._

_This thing is stupid. I hate it. I hate that I need it. I just hate. I'm broken—humpty dumpty. Fuck. I want to kiss him like I used to. I want him to kiss me like he wants to. No. Can't do that. Can't let. Can't do that._

"Bella?" Em was standing at my door tossing a football in the air and catching it. He looked so goddamn happy.

I smiled. For the first time in a long time it just came naturally—I didn't have to force it.

"You keeping my lady busy today I hear?" I nodded. He tossed me the football and in classic me form it bounced off of my palm and out the window.

He sighed but not in surprise or even aggravation. "How are you doing these days sis?" He put one hand on my desk, on top of my closed notebook. And the other hand was placed on the back of my chair. My big brother's eyes scrutinized my face while I swallowed.

"Fine." It was the best I could offer. It's what everyone wanted to hear. Happy was a lie that I couldn't prove. Sad was something that tore only on to the surface of the pain and led me into the temptation of despair. Fine was average. And that was what I was—nothing special.

"Kay." He said and kissed my forehead. "Stay that way for me please." He mumbled as he left the room. It was weird. I shared everything with Emmett. All of our lives we knew everything about each other. But this… I realized that my mouth was open and my jaw was working up and down. There was a tight constricting feeling in my chest. Em shut the door before sound could come from my throat. I didn't even remember what I was trying to say. I just knew that I wanted him to know it.

Frustration. That should be one of my words tomorrow. Confusion. I eyed the notebook. Was it okay to go back and write more even after I closed it? Jazz hadn't given me any rules but the ten words to dump out first. I reached for the pen and pulled back the cover but then my conversation with Em rattled in my brain.

Shit! I was due to be over at my old home to spend the day with Rosalie. Perfect. Just what I needed to be around right now—someone who could face her issues with such grace that everyone around her just pretended to be as perfect as her.

Fuck.

I tucked my notebook back under the tampons in my underwear drawer. I glared at the offensive little blue box. All of my hell started that day that I saw the unopened box in my suitcase. Before then I was happy about where things were going with Edward. Happy to have had sex with him.

But that damn box gave me… _hope_. One that I should have recognized for the lie that it was. The promise that just this once I would actually get what I wanted. The deception that I was cut out to be all that Edward needed me to be.

I slammed the drawer shut and headed over to my old home. By the weekend Edward and I would be gone. Hopefully my mother consented. I didn't give a fuck right now. I just wanted to be gone. To be something new or something else. I needed to cast off the sweater that was Forks and breathe with the sun on my face.

-**-Bookends-**-

**Rose POV**

Bella sat on the couch staring at the television. She wasn't watching it. I didn't know what she was watching.

"Bells? You mind moving I need to cleanse the room of your negative aura."

She just stood up and shuffled to the entryway. She stood there by the door—like she heard me but she didn't. She knew I told her to move, but she was waited for the next command.

Damn. "I was just joking Bells." I tried to smile but she seemed more depressed by any symbols of happiness these days.

I refused to feel bad about how I handled her just as I refused to allow her to wallow un-nudged. I agreed with Jazz to a point. Bella's mind had to work through this. But fuck me if I wasn't going to be just the girl who kicked her ass through it faster.

"How's the… stuff going?" Bella asked with that hollow voice as I came to lean against the front door next to her. I shrugged. I just watched her. I frankly was fed up with feeding everyone the same bullshit about what was happening with my body.

I knew. Em knew. Dad knew. No one else really mattered. I mean, I gave a shit about everyone I loved but it was just a question that was pushed at me. And frankly, to my ears it sounded less like an interest and more like a constant affirmation that the person posing the question knew I was a transgender candidate. It was like when you graduated from high school. The next four years of your life is simply the same question—how is college?

Not that I didn't think that Bella really wanted to know—that she was concerned for my health and just for me and asking that helped fill out what information she had on me. But fuck me. I was tired of being reduced to one question. Ask me how big the tits I picked out were. Em nearly choked when I showed him. _Sexually confused my ass. That boy liked all parts of every body_.

"How's the handling the miscarriage thing going?" I said in a non threatening tone. She flinched but she didn't drop dead like Jazz was acting like she would. I kind of didn't like the taste in my mouth after I asked it. But I knew that Bella needed it. She needed to see that they were just words. She had the power over them, not the other way around.

"Bells? Seriously you need to just talk to people." Her eyes were wide when they looked back at me. There was an anger there that I hadn't seen for a long time… and a… wildness that told me she was going to do something stupid and maybe dangerous.

Fuck. "Bella." I said in a commanding voice. It sounded strange to me—a man's voice. It was a sound that I hadn't heard from my own body in years. I suppressed that quickly to handle the shit fit in front of me.

Her breath was ragged and a devilish smile played across her face. Fuck. I wasn't looking at Bella. I was looking at whatever was hiding that pain from her. _Rule number one—always listen to Jazz. Got it_.

"You really want to know?" She whispered in a lethally dark voice. I got a chill down my spine.

"Bella." I said again.

"I'm just fucking dandy. Since that's what everyone wants right?"

"Bella."

"I'm not allowed to be anything but FINE. I'm just… _FINE_."

"Bella."

"And Edward is going to drown in my dark pit of despair that I am throwing him into… but who the fuck cares right? At least I look FINE."

"Bella."

"What!" One tear slid down her cheek.

"Nothing." I said shrinking back from her. I had to admit it. She was in a place where I couldn't reach her. Jazz could because he was there—and I would be there for my little brother as much as he needed me because I could see it wasn't a happy memory for him either. Edward reached her on a level none of us could understand. But even he was blocked from this.

I waved her back into the living room and she slung out on the couch once more. She was a zombie. And I was actually afraid of her. Afraid that one day whatever was holding her together would break—and the Bella would come tumbling down.

-**-Bookends-**-

**EPOV (same moment)**

Carlisle was running his fingers through his hair when I came into his office. It was fucking weird. I had been in his study at home a thousand times since I moved here. I wasn't sure if I had ever been to his office at the hospital.

"What's up Edward?" He asked without turning his face up to see me. Fuck.

I rolled my eyes. "You already know that… well the music thing wasn't really what I wanted to follow." That was a fucking lie. The more time I had spent alone for the past four fucking months the more I had grown to love the release of my music. But then I had focused on my art with more fucking passion too. I was confident that I could make a living out of either one in the near future. Fuck. I could sling burgers and pump gas too. I was far from fucking proud in that department.

"Yes." There it was. The fucking _"I'm not going to judge you but you know that you are stupid, right?"_ sigh. I rolled my eyes again.

"What are the odds that… how are things with Esme?" I flashed that fucking wide tooth grin that I could never hide when I was nervous like this.

Carlisle's confused expression would have been fucking comical if I wasn't terrified of having a heart attack from the fear.

"What?" Fuck.

When in doubt go with the Cullen approach—just tell the whole truth without warning. "I want to take Bella with me… I'm following Jazz to NY and… I'm not going to leave her again Carlisle."

I hoped that my words sounded more mature than fucking whiny kid like. He narrowed his eyes. "Have you spoken to Esme?" I raised my brows. He wanted to fucking play it like that?

"You looking to move her back across the yard so fast old man?"

His lips were tight, but I knew it was because he was trying not to smile. He knew I fucking had him there. I would only fight with her and that would only lead to Carlisle defending me. And that couldn't end well.

"I will talk to her. But Edward… promise me that she'll be with Alice and you won't push her into anything… _stupid_. She's young and she deserves the chance to be young for awhile." That was a no-brainer. I loved Bella too much to let her get in trouble like that.

I nodded pensively. "How young were you when you got married?" He started at my question.

"Nineteen." His face fell blank. The 60K question was coming up. And he knew it.

"How old was she when she got married?" He scowled.

"Seventeen." He sighed. I smiled. Two more years, huh? I could live with that. Besides, Esme had to fucking coming around to loving me eventually. I wouldn't give her any other option.

"No." Carlisle said flatly. I just winked and left the room.

"EDWARD!" He bellowed and I chuckled when the fucking nurses looked at me with wide eyes. I was actually going to fucking miss shaking up the small town of Forks.


	26. More or less the same

**Bookends By: Bella's Executioner.**

**Rating: M- this means if you're under 16 you are agreeing to break your own ToS by reading this and I'm not your mother so be responsible for yourself.**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is the sole owner of the world of Twilight. She is Bella's creator. I am Bella's Executioner.**

**A/N: Bookends is the very first fanfiction I started writing. It's been on this site, moved and come back. It has errors, fuck ups and lots of proofs that I'm human but it also has all of my heart and soul in it. I welcome you into this world of pain and love and hope that you enjoy. I also welcome your thoughts as you read—pm me or review and I'll be happy to discuss the story with you.**

**Chapter 26: More of less the same**

**-**-Bookends-**-**

"Started with a perfect kiss then we could feel the poison set in

Perfect couldn't keep this love alive

You know that I love you so, I love you enough to let you go

I want you to know that it doesn't matter

Where we take this road someone's gotta go

And I want you to know that you couldn't have loved me better

But I want you to move on so I'm already gone."

(Kelly Clarkson Already Gone)

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**BPOV (Seattle, Two years after leaving Forks)**

He was so beautiful when he slept.

I reached out a finger and traced the contours of his face. The high slope of his hair line. The smooth line of his forehead. The delicious arch of his eyebrow. The pensive dip of his eyelid. The straight line of his nose. His lips puckered unconsciously as the pad of my finger whispered over them.

I smiled.

My finger seemed stuck on those lips. It circled the outline of his mouth three times before I had the power to will it to continue. I followed the indentation of his chin to his jaw. Then I followed the strong line of his jaw to his ear. He made a light groaning-whimper when my fingers stroked through his unruly hair.

I lightly scratched his scalp and he stirred enough to roll over to me. He secured his arms around my body. His lips parted as he snuggled his cheek to my breast. I sighed and wrapped my arms around his shoulders.

It was impossible to wrap my brain around, but we had finally fallen into a semi normal routine. It had been nearly two years since we left Forks, I wasn't looking forward to going back there in a week. It seemed like no matter how many miles we put between us and my hometown, or how many years went by before we returned, a life like this was always going to feel new. Different.

That thought just pissed me off. Edward deserved a quiet, peaceful, normal life. I sighed. My finger traced the slope of his neck down to his shoulder.

In truth this life we were living right now was brand new. The boxes were still waiting to be unpacked downstairs. This was the first time in two years that Edward had suggested that maybe we put down some roots. At least for a little while.

I thought back to the day he told we were leaving- together. To my mother's worried expression. To the nerves that turned my stomach inside out. Two years. Twenty-four months. Where did the time go?

It was months before Edward finally talked me into leaving New York. I turned sixteen a few weeks after we moved to the east coast. And I was nearly seventeen when he came home with the plan to leave.

New York had been good for both of us. Edward got a job as a janitor at an art gallery and I was able to land a job as a waitress for this funky club near our apartment. Jazz and Alice started school. And Edward and I... never talked about sex.

And as I had done with every other painful thing in my life, I walled up the hurt and I found a way to survive. I became some other Bella. A girl with no past in Forks and a possible future somewhere else. The nightmares still came... and fuck did they scare Edward. But I could take deep breaths again and I started to feel a little more alive.

Jazz spent his afternoons trying to help me through it but mostly I pulled away from even asking him. It wasn't fair to him.

Fair.

I took a deep breath and rested my lips against Edward's forehead. Nothing was fucking fair for anyone in my life anymore. It wasn't fair to my mother that I briskly thanked her on my way out of town for letting me leave—then I proceeded to never call her except for holidays.

It wasn't fair to Jazz that I expected him to be a professional therapist. I begged for his help and pleaded for his silence. That wasn't fucking fair. Jazz had just as much shit to work through from that night too.

_Not fair Bella_.

It wasn't fair to Alice. She was having fun experiencing college. She took every class you could think so long as it was not art related. She refused to learn anything new about what she called a 'tired subject'. She wanted to gain experience in other areas, see if there were any other interests that she could take on. It wasn't fair that every time she came home excited about something she was learning she had to deal with my pouts and sulks.

_It just wasn't fucking fair_.

But mostly it wasn't fair to Edward. I pushed away from school because he did. He gave up the academy because I was the biggest bitch around. He refused to leave me alone for anything but work. And because he refused to enroll at a school I followed suit. But it wasn't just school or even my constant moodiness that wasn't fair to Edward- it was the fact that I was no longer a whole person. I couldn't be one tenth of the whole woman that Edward needed, deserved to have beside him. And that was so un-fucking-fair that I wanted to scream until my lungs bled.

I sighed and thought back to our little life in New York. It was anything but reasonable but for a moment it had seemed like it was good. Or at least okay.

But there was a poison that started to eat at the walls of the possible happy life we had built. Every goddamn day I cringed to see Edward leave for work. Sundays, I liked Sundays. Edward didn't have to go to work on Sundays. But Monday through Saturday Edward would put on his uniform, give me the sweetest kiss and head off to work. He would fucking whistle on the way—whistle tunes that he could have been composing at the academy.

Like some ironic fucking slap to his face he found himself sweeping floors and dusting paintings at an art gallery when he himself was a fantastic artist. And to top it the fuck off, he would leave me postcards around the apartment. I would take a shower and come back to our bedroom to find a five by seven piece of paper with a drawing of me sleeping sketched on it. He never said anything about it—in fact Edward and I had pared our conversations down to very basic verbal communication.

We didn't need words—we had our kisses and the warmth of each other's embrace as we slept.

_Not fucking fair, Bella_.

It broke my heart every damn day. The only solace I found in it was the realization that I still had a heart. But the longer we remained in New York the more I sulked. The more my bottom lip was sucked between my teeth. And the more awkward it seemed that I lived with a man and slept in his arms every night but I did little more than give him chaste kisses while standing by the front door.

Sex was still a topic that had me on the floor clutching my knees and shaking. I knew I would just live the rest of my life without it. I didn't need it. It ultimately served one purpose and I had no intention of having a... I just didn't need it anymore. Most days I could fool my stupid brain into believing that. Then Edward would come home and take off his shirt.

Fuck. Those muscles. That hair that dusted down his chest and flowed beneath the waist of his pants. He only got better with age. My body would betray more desire than my mind was willing to handle. And I would have to work twice as hard to ignore my desires because I knew they would only lead to pain.

The dreams were the worst. I would have dreams that made my heart pound and make me practically drip with need for Edward. And with the feel of his weight around and above me the dreams would grow more and more vivid- seem more and more real. There were many nights that I awoke to a cold sweat and an aroused hunger. Those were the nights that I ended up sleeping on the couch. Because I was a fucking failure as a woman.

_Coward_.

Edward would hear my moans. See me leave. And just roll over and leave me to working through my shit on my own. What else could he do? I either shut down or lashed out when he tried to talk about any of it. So eventually he gave up trying to understand it. He was happy to live with whatever we had. He didn't need or want much of anything. Just to hold my hand at dinner. Just to sit by me on the couch before bed.

_That wasn't true Bella. Tell the truth. You know what he wants. What he needs. What he deserves_.

It wasn't fucking fair. Edward was a creature of raw inspiration. I was draining that light from his soul—killing his living flesh with my already dead body. Turning a life that should be filled with vibrancy into a dull beige carpet.

The day Edward came home from work early I was so wrapped in the haze of blah that was becoming our existence that I hardly noticed the excitement in his eyes.

"Bella, we need to talk." My first reaction had been panic. I was still religiously writing in my journal. I was up to five solid pages of thoughts every morning by then. But living with Edward made it difficult for me to hide the entries—always put me on edge that he would find out. I had thrown the idea of ever discussing the incident with him out the window completely. I just couldn't do it.

I looked like a damn hand puppet whenever I tried. And believe me... I'd tried.

I said nothing but stared at him with wide eyes. I was certain that he had found one of the journals and he wanted answers. Could I give them to him? No. Did I want to? No. I needed Edward like other creatures needed food and water. I was the demon living off of his very essence. Without Edward… there was no Bella. And if he ever found out the truth, he would leave me.

_You're such a fucking coward Bella._

I didn't respond to his statement. I just allowed the moment of dread to wash over me. I wouldn't cry. I would just fall apart. Maybe then he would drop the questions altogether and just shrug it off. I searched his face. Was he angry with me? I went straight for his eyes. His eyes were truly the gateway to his thoughts. That's when I saw it—there was a glimmer of hope in Edward's eyes. One that I hadn't put there and for some strange reason that tiny glimmer made _me_ hopeful. It meant there was something beyond our little apartment that gave Edward a bright vision of the future.

_You couldn't find the fucking sun if you were standing on it Bella_.

"I don't want to live in New York anymore." He stated simply. His eyes watched mine—chocolate determination met with emerald emptiness.

"Okay." I finally mumbled. I wanted to feel relieved that the topic was something other than my depressing ramblings, but I was still on edge. I no longer handled change with ease. Moving would mean finding a new routine.

He shook his head and chuckled.

My mind went blank.

He fucking chuckled. I remember blinking my eyes rapidly and committing the sound to my memory. Edward hadn't found anything funny enough to laugh about for what seemed like years. The sound was… intoxicating. It actually had a smile peeking through my shell of depression.

He peeked at me as he spread the maps out on the table. His crooked smile suddenly sneaked out and something in my mind split. It was like spinning a clock on a supernatural axis and truly restarting time. I was sucked back through the last couple years of my life and staring at a younger Edward. Edward Masen, not Cullen. And he was happy and excited to be sharing something with me.

_Fuck_.

There was some part of me that jumped up. A part that had been sleeping that suddenly found a doorway to the outside. Edward was smiling. He was hopeful.

_Can't we be hopeful just this once too Bella?_

Jazz called it my revelation—lying here in Edward's arms tonight, I call it my last straw. Either way I started acting like a damn human again- at least in some ways.

Edward's idea was simple. Let's just go. We took out a pair of dice and we numbered places on the map that we wanted to visit. Each new city sounded better than the next. All of the sudden I was some innocent kid who couldn't wait for tomorrow. Sitting at the top of the fucking stairs with Em guessing what Santa would bring us… It was some bright promise and not some dark burden. Number after number went down on the map. Then Edward handed me the die. The number of the roll dictated the destination of choice.

I closed my eyes and tossed them.

By the time Alice and Jazz got home from school we were nearly packed. We had ordered take out Chinese and Edward was tickling me on the couch to weasel the last egg roll from my clutches.

"Stop… I can't breathe!" I shouted between giggles. Edward laughed along with me. It was the sweetest fucking moment of our lives in a very long time.

"Wow." I turned with watery vision and a fresh giggle on my lips to find Jazz staring directly in to my eyes.

The new Bella faltered briefly at the sheer weight of Jazz's stare. There were so many worries wrapped in questions and maybe even a hint of anger swirling in his icy blue orbs.

"Edward and I are leaving." I announced suddenly.

Edward pulled away and sat up next to me on the couch. I followed him and chanced a glance to gauge his response to my outburst. To my relief I saw a wide beaming smile plastered across his face. New Bella was encouraged and empowered by the sight.

I looked back at Alice and Jazz. Alice was ecstatic. She was bouncing and clapping and rushing over to me to hear all the details. "I just knew something was up. My brother was spending far too much time at the bookstore last night. See Edward, I knew it wasn't for books!"

I laughed lightly but my attention was still drawn to Jazz's eyes. _You're leaving me_. They said. He slipped out of the look effortlessly, and without either Alice or Edward noticing it. But I saw it.

"Where to?" He asked pulling up a chair from the kitchen and sitting by Alice.

"Jacksonville, Florida." Edward and I said in unison.

Jazz snorted. "What's in Jacksonville?"

Alice swatted his arm but then turned her curious eyes on us. "Seriously though… what is there to do there?"

I shrugged. Edward's goofy ass grin pulled his cheeks apart.

"We'll see when we get there." He beamed.

So we went down south. I discovered that humidity was a concept never fully appreciated in Forks. I also learned that sun was something I would never grow to love. Edward and I got jobs at the same little dive at the end of town. It was one of those clichéd hole-in-the-wall bars where starving artists came to open mike nights and patrons lived under a constant cloud of smoke and lost dreams.

I loved the place—The Hole, aptly named. It was a breeding ground for creative energy. I found that the longer Edward and I lived in Jacksonville my journal entries stopped being all about the fears and panics in my mind and started becoming quirky tales and clever recounts of the nightly oddities at the bar. Once I found myself writing a scene from a double shift on a scrap of paper at the kitchen table—not even bothering to hunt down the journal. Not really feeling the need to have to use the dread book. I could create this for me, and not just for my "therapy". I hadn't remembered to put the story with the other entries before going to bed and Edward was reading it at the table the next morning at breakfast.

"This is great." He said glancing up at me and giving me that ever charming smile of his. I smiled back but felt old Bella worry over what deeper levels might be hidden in that 'great' story. It was still, after all, an exercise in me facing the troubles in my mind.

Edward laughed as he continued to read. "Bella you have to keep writing this. I forgot how good you are with words." His eyes were so fucking soft and youthful when they glanced up again.

Old Bella forced a smile and ran to the fridge to not let Edward see the cracking in her façade. Like I said, no matter how strong the change seemed to take hold the past was still stronger. New Bella… she wasn't sure what to do at all. Something about what he said, maybe even the way he said it, made me ashamed of myself.

"You guys still playing tonight?" I called as I poured myself some orange juice.

"Yah." He said still snickering occasionally. Edward had become the Picasso of bartenders for The Hole but he had also become a local favorite with the bar's piano. He played back up for bands or sometimes he just played solo. And he stole my breath away with each brush of his fingers across the keys.

So much like Carlisle without even trying—there truly wasn't anything Edward couldn't do if he simply put his mind to it.

_So stop holding him back Bella_.

New Bella had to beat back the frustration in old Bella. It still wasn't fucking fair. He should have been composing symphonies for concerts in Boston. Not taking requests from tourists for tips.

But then, good things did come out of our stint at The Hole. That's where Edward met the guys. The Denalis. They were a band of three brothers who were looking for a piano player. A few nights at the bar and soon there was a tiny tour of local dives to go along on. That's when we said goodbye to Florida.

I can't say I was particularly sad to leave. But Jacksonville had granted me the first bit of stability that I had been able to bring to my life since before Edward had to go back to Tanya. It would always hold a special place in my heart.

I sighed, pulling myself from my thoughts how I got here today. Edward's hands started to rub the tension from my back as his breathing hitch in that deep snore that made the hair on the back of my neck tingle. Edward was so dam adorable when he slept. I rolled my eyes and tried to battle with my stupid brain to just go to sleep. But it wasn't working.

Edward burrowed his face in to my neck- inhaling deep and kissing my throat. "Love you..." he murmured in his sleep.

My chest squeezed. That was my cue to get up and out.

I eased out of his embrace. He whined gently but otherwise didn't stir. Good. I needed a moment with my thoughts. I padded over to the window seat.

I wasn't going to get used to this—living here, in Edward's childhood house. I had never been allowed to visit the Masen house growing up. And Edward never truly hated anything else in his life but this house.

I pressed my palm flat against the cool glass of the window. The night air looked thick and cool with an early morning mist but there was no promise of rain in tonight's forecast.

Naturally. I really wanted to hear the fucking patter of rain right now. Next to Edward's snoring it was one of the only sounds that could truly sooth me. I drew that same finger along the clear smooth glass.

_He fucking loves you Bella. Just go to the fucking closet and pack. Let him move on_.

I bit down on my lip hard enough to draw blood. I hated my fucking mind. My eyes stung like tears were going to fall. That surprised the shit out of me. I hadn't actually cried since that night Edward came back to me.

Mentally I started counting to one hundred. I needed to pull these thoughts together again. Already my hands were starting to shake with the building fear. If I didn't refocus my thoughts I would start getting violent with myself.

_Count all you want Bella… you aren't a fucking vampire on Sesame Street. Grow the fuck up_.

I caught sight of a dilapidated swing hanging from a tree in the backyard. Funny, Edward never mentioned anything about swings. Edward never mentioned a lot about this house. He would tell me Tanya was a bitch. Tanya's guys were assholes. He never talked about Edward Sr. but he had nightmares about him.

I spied Edward over my shoulder. The sheets were pulled bellow his waist. I was captivated by the steady rise and fall of his back as he slept peacefully on his stomach. I wondered at the irony. Would that be what it would be like when I left him? A moment of worry that I was gone and then a total abandon to the serenity that my absence would bring.

When_ you leave him, Bella? _

I closed my eyes. I stopped counting and went back to remembering. We toured every little no name dive in the nation—worked our way back to the west coast. We had made an agreement to not step foot in the entire state of Washington though. I didn't want to be anywhere near Forks and Edward hated the idea of Seattle. For a few months the plan worked.

Then Garrett got the call. Apparently it was a big deal—so big time club that impressed even Edward when he mentioned it. It put us back in Seattle but it was guaranteed standing appointment. After six months of sleeping in a van with four boys—I welcomed the opportunity to buy a ratty little apartment for awhile.

But Seattle. Edward's own personal Forks. Fuck.

He did beautifully as they talked about the gig. He mastered the art of even looking hopeful when we pulled into town. But when we started looking for a place to live…

I always admired the way Edward handled his past. He was never an easy personality for other people to get along with. Fuck he wasn't always crooked smiles and giggles with me either. But he never seemed to dwell on the shit-ass life this house forced on him. And he never really showed the anger like I did everyday at hating fucking parents for all the torture they put you through.

_Take fucking notes Bella. That's how a good child acts_.

Acts… And it was all an act.

Tanya didn't even fucking tell him. She and Phil packed up and moved away. No forwarding address. No note to the sons she claimed to love more than her own life. No mention of the fact that she was leaving town without selling the house.

In all honesty I had meticulously planned not only house hunting but our general life in Seattle away from Edward's old neighborhood. But just like me and those damn thoughts of Port Angeles hospitals… Edward's feet just carried us there on our first day in the city.

The windows were covered in boards. The bushes were uprooted and there was graffiti on the front door. But that's not what finally broke Edward's eerie calm. It was the huge 'For Sale' sign planted in the front yard.

"What the fuck…" he whispered. I stayed on the sidewalk while he slowly inched closer to the sign. I wanted to hunt that bitch down and do more than spit in her face. I wanted to break her nose. How dare she?

Edward gingerly reached out a finger but stopped his hand from making contact just before it reached the 'a' in sale. His shoulders were rising and falling in that old familiar Tanya shit pant. It made my guts squeeze to see it.

"Edward… I'm so sorry." He dropped his hand and balled his fists at his sides. I made a mental check list of all the work that the house needed—at least what I could see from my vantage point on the street. Edward just stood there, staring at that sign.

It wasn't the fact that the house was for sale. Edward never wanted to live here. It was the fact that she left him. The sign was a vigilant reminder that his mother was willing to sell every last memory of his childhood to help her self. She would never be there for Edward.

_You're gonna fucking kill him Bella_.

I gasped. The sound drew Edward out of his thoughts. "Bella? You okay baby?" I panicked. Why the fuck did he insist on calling me that? I let out a ragged breath and nodded. Suddenly Edward's arms were around me. He was whispering comforting words to me.

Fuck. I was such a worthless human being. _Yes you are Bella_.

So he bought it. Slapped down a wired check from Carlisle and invested in what he called the shittiest piece of real-estate anyone could own. I asked him what color on the Monopoly board Shittingplace was.

At least I made him laugh that night.

But now here we were. Living some shell of an existence, pussyfooting around the heart failures waiting to kill us and yet we were happy. No. Not happy. But we were content.

_You're such a fucking liar Bella_.

"No…" I blinked my eyes open at the sound of his groan. Edward writhed around until the covers were twisted around his legs. By the time I got to the bed he was covered in a cold sweat.

We were such a matched pair.

"Edward," I whispered. I didn't want to wake him up. I just wanted the nightmare to end. It was usually the same old dream—Tanya getting hit by Ed while little Edward felt helpless to stop it.

I fucking hated that woman with the every last ounce of my energy.

"Ed…"

"_Bella_…" he whispered. It was a straining, agonized sound. "_No_…" I was frozen above him as I stood by the bed. I couldn't move. I could barely think. Fuck. His subconscious was putting shit together.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck_. You wouldn't be worried if you weren't a fucking little liar Bella_.

All of the sudden Edward's breaths became angry pants. His hands gripped the sheets hard enough to turn his knuckles white. His neck arched back as he cried out. "NO!"

Fuck. "Edward!" I yelled as I reached my hands out to touch him. If he felt my skin… he would know that I was here.

_And what happens when you're not here Bella? What happens when you fucking runaway and he's like this? All Alone_.

I froze. My mind was being quite the bitch tonight. I swallowed. Edward's eyes shot open. His breath hitched and his hands lashed out to grab mine. "BELLA!" He bellowed. He looked like he was in a trance. Like he was seeing something more than just me above him.

The sight scared the shit out of me. It also spurred me to snap the fuck out of it.

"Shh.. It's okay sweetheart. I'm here." I lowered myself on the bed, straddling his hips. His entire body relaxed noticeably. The tension in his arms decreased and he let out a giant breath.

He released my hands and I immediately smoothed them out across his chest and up to his neck. "It's okay Edward. I'm here." I continued to whisper. He just kept chanting my name.

He was starting to shake all over. Fuck. I decided on extreme measures and laid down completely over him. His arms secured around me in a vice grip. His eyes were clamped shut tightly and he nuzzled his nose in my air to draw in deep pulls of my scent.

"I'm here Edward." I reassured him.

_For how long bitch?_

I closed my eyes. The trembling lover in my arms deserved someone who could promise forever. I knew that I couldn't. But in this moment he needed right now to be confirmed. I could promise right now.

His lips pressed against my forehead. I sighed at the contact. I leaned up and offered him my own lips to replace my sweaty brow. He accepted—eagerly.

At first we kissed—lighter than butterfly wings on a child's cheek. Soft. Sweet. Pure. But then the feel of Edward's strong body lying under me started to break through my layers of fear of his torment. And the hands on my back were now more than hugging—fingers caressing skin like a sculptor molding his clay. My hands moved on their own accord to his hair. And as he moaned I purchased access to a deeper kiss.

_Oh yes. This was something worth staying for_…

It was hot. Wet. Long. And slow. And it was only our tongues in each other's mouths but it was more than we had allowed ourselves since the day we lost our innocence together. I whimpered as he lightly nipped my bottom lip. He groaned when my hands fisted in his unruly locks.

His hands grew bolder and hugged me tighter to him. It felt so good. There was a sensation at the back of my consciousness that I knew I should be concerned about but I just couldn't bring myself to stop focusing on Edward's tongue. And his taste. Edward tasted like honey.

I squeaked another cry of pleasure as his tongue danced around the corners of my mouth. The sound was his undoing. In one movement he groaned, dug his fingers further into my flesh and thrust his need up at my unsuspecting hip.

PANIC. FUCK.

I yelped and pulled back. I didn't jump off the bed like I wanted to. I knew I couldn't crush him like that right now. Not after that dream he had. But I couldn't allow him to… sex was not an option.

_Pussy_.

I glared at the headboard for a second. Our mingled panting breaths were the only sound in the room. Well that and my throbbing heart. It wasn't fair. I wanted it too. The wet heat building between my thighs was proof of that. But my stupid brain wouldn't let me do anything more than kiss him.

I counted to fifty in my head. I inspected the grains in the wood of the furniture. I tried to come up with fifty words I could use to describe the feeling in the pit of my stomach right this minute. I could only come up with one—fuck.

Finally I felt my breathing level out and he was still once more beneath me. I looked down, hoping to find him asleep. Instead my eyes landed on his chocolate brown depths.

He wasn't hurt, nor was he even afraid like I would have expected from anyone after the kind of nightmare he was having. He just looked… sad. I furrowed my brow. His finger sought to smooth the wrinkles of my distress.

"I love you Bella." He said simply. I nodded. His expression didn't change.

We lay there like that for a long while. He watching me with his pensive puppy dog eyes and me shifting mine back and forth to deny the pain I saw in his. I finally drew my lip between my teeth. We needed to go back to sleep. We were both exhausted and I would need to start packing tomorrow morning for Forks.

Fuck. Forks.

Sensing my desire Edward blinked and narrowed his eyes. "I love you Bella." He said in a stern voice—like a parent telling a child to behave.

I simply nodded again. Then I pressed my face into the crook of his neck. I let out the breath I didn't even know I had been holding when I felt him relax under me. His hands drifted up my back and I didn't miss the pressure that they added to his embrace. I was hugged as tightly as possible to his chest.

It wasn't such a bad thing. Sleeping in Edward's arms like this.

_You're such a fucking liar Bella._

Fuck.

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**CPOV (two weeks later, Forks, wedding day)**

I ran my fingers through my hair. I still couldn't fucking believe it. She was standing there in her white dress—creamy ivory really. White wasn't something she needed to wear at this point.

She had the purest fucking soul I had ever known virginity was just something that young guys with insecurities needed to be reassured by with a dress color. She was mine. Had always been mine.

The softest smile played along her lips while her eyes shown with a grace and a freedom that took my breath away.

Fuck but I loved that woman.

Loved that she had the courage to let our children finally live their own lives—young as they all may be. Loved that she gave over the vice like grip that she had held of the control of her life and let me help and support her. Loved that she fucking changed her name.

Esme Cullen.

I shook my head and tried to concentrate on what Jazz was talking about. Going hard and needy for my wife at our reception was not appropriate.

My eyes drifted over to the visage of perfection once more…against my will to stop them. And the look cast from her eyes under half closed lids told me we were a fucking matched pair.

I laughed out loud—much to Jazz's confusion. He looked between his new step mother and myself and just rolled his eyes with a smile.

"Later old man," He said with a congratulatory slap to my arm.

I laughed but didn't stop him from leaving. I wish that I could remember what was going on around me once I stood alone by the dance floor. But Esme was standing by the cake and talking to some guests. I only had eyes for her.

As if right on cue, The Flimingos started playing on the speakers. And I had to agree… my love was a kind of blind love.

"One woman for all eternity… what a fucking waste." I smirked at the heavy accented voice that I knew almost better than my own. I didn't bother shifting my vision to see him. He would rather we look at beautiful women than each other anyway.

"Took you long enough to get here." I noted in a dark voice.

He chuckled in an equally dark tone. "True. But I had to complete some obligations that required my undivided attention. A client who kept me tied up all weekend."

I sighed. I would admit that since Esme started sharing my bed nearly three years ago that I grew to appreciate his… _fervor_. But I couldn't imagine ever wanting to have _that_ much sex.

"You mock, but until you've had the opportunity to tie a girl up for an entire weekend you will never appreciate the results when you get to set her free."

"Erebos," I said folding my arms across my chest. "Please stay away from my wife." It was meant to be a joke. I had meant to say it sarcastically. But it was a bold faced threat as it passed my lips.

He laughed again. "Son… I can't wait to hear of her reaction to opening my present to your union."

I finally relinquished my visual dominance of Esme and turned to glare at him. "If it is a Dom starter kit I hope you kept your receipts." I growled. He laughed again.

"I love this new side of you my boy," He pouted as if mimicking my scowl. "Not one of the girls at my club ever stirred you quite like this." He glanced at Esme. "Though I see now why you were never truly open to their experience back then anyway. She _is_ magnificent Carlisle."

I beamed with a deeper pride than even the one I felt when Esme said she wanted to change her name. Erebos had truly been a father to me—a mentor during the years I was alone after Mary left. His approval was not needed but was greatly respected in my book.

"I hadn't expected you to actually make an appearance. Last time I checked one of 'the rules' was VonTuri only leaves the Tower for massacres."

He shot me his wicked smile. "And virgin sacrifices." He winked. "The induction of you into my world is worth every mile away from the wives."

I rolled my eyes. Erebos was one of my oldest friends but his lifestyle was not something many people in this room would tolerate. Luckily discretion was one of his greatest talents.

"Keep trying old man. You are never going to turn me."

He laughed again. "And did you keep the handcuffs I gave you when you left that night."

Fuck.

"Which one is the artist?" He said drawing me from the memories of the two of us laying siege to one of his many brothels in Europe. What Esme never found out about my past…

"Hmm… oh. Edward," I scanned the crowd and found him leaning against the wall in the back corner. Shit. The boy looked fucked up one side and down the other. And not in the way that my friend Erebos preferred.

"Hasn't that kid ever heard of pussy?"

I knew better than to do it. I had taken a sip of wine just before he said it. I knew better than to put liquid in my mouth when Erebos was around. Blunt was a nice way of describing his methods of communication.

"Yes. I would imagine he has."

"Really? Why does he look like a starving dog staring at a crippled cat?"

I sighed. I was only glad that none of the other guests were mingling near our conversation. I was reconsidering the comment about his respect for discretion.

"What are you talking about?"

"_That_ boy," he pointed his well-manicured finger directly at Edward. Then his head whipped back and he focused my attention on another desperate soul in attendance. "Wants to fuck _that_ girl." I closed my eyes before my thoughts lingered on the image of Edward fucking Bella Swan.

I was her stepfather now for crying out loud.

"So?" Was the only brilliant response I could produce.

Erebos laughed. "So they are young… they should be knocking over bowls in the storage room of the kitchen with naked asses. She looks like she could use a good fuck too."

"Enough." I said flatly.

He glared at me. I resisted the urge to flinch. I was certain he brought his leather strap with him and I didn't really want to be punished on my wedding day.

"First of all they are not allowed to have sex." He scoffed and threw me an incredulous look. "She is a minor and it is illegal…"

"Bah! You cockblocking Puritans and your restrictions on sex. Once you are old enough to _want_ it, you are old enough to _have_ it."

I skipped over that comment as there were far too many disturbing questions that it brought up. "No. Edward is a gentleman. He would never take advantage of her."

Erebos' eyes narrowed and I swallowed hard. Fuck. I would have to exit quickly with Esme before he had the chance to challenge me.

"There are many shades of gentle Carlisle. I seem to remember you having to find a balance of yours as well… something that was not put into practice with that first wife of yours."

Leave it to Erebos to bring up Mary on Esme's day. My chest squeezed at the thought. I hadn't spent one moment thinking about her today. I would never do right by that woman. May she rest in peace.

"Old friend," I said letting out a deep breath and slapping his shoulder. "Fuck off." He threw his head back and laughed much to the dismay of surrounding couples who were dancing to the haunting melody.

I marched directly over to Esme and put my arm around her waist. "Are you enjoying the party Mrs. Cullen?" She sighed against me. She enjoyed the sound of her new name almost as much as I did. That thought made that part of me that Erebos would approve of hungry for tonight.

"Yes." Her eyes danced with the same melody that was playing in my heart.

I put my hand against her cheek- so beautiful. And mine. Our lips moved closer for a much needed kiss...

A high pitch squeal from the speakers at the front of the hall called our attention away from each other and back to the affair around us.

"Attention everyone," Alice stood with mike in hand and clipboard in other hand.

I smiled.

"It is now time for the happy couple to share their first dance together as husband and wife. Would the groom and his bride please step out to the center of the dance floor?" She glared over at us since we were lagging the schedule by having to be told to come out.

The whole of our family and friends stood along the rim of the floor. I had to admit I was feeling a little giddy as she stepped into my embrace. I had never danced with Esme before. I wanted to. I never found another creature on this earth that was half as graceful as she was. I was lost in Esme's eyes, ready to sweep her off her feet.

Silence.

I turned to tease Alice for the delay. And I was met with the most unbelievable sight of Edward shifting his weight from leg to leg while he ran his fingers through his bedraggled hair and brought the mike to his lips.

"Um.. I didn't know what to get you two. I know you have everything you need, and now you have everything you want." The entire room cooed. Fucking punk. He winked as he looked straight at me. Holy fuck. What did he have planned?

"Esme… welcome to the family. You have truly been a mother to all of us over the years. I wanted you to have this—as you inspired it with your love and commitment to your family and especially to Carlisle."

My mouth popped open and I stared dumbstruck as Edward handed the mike back to Alice and ambled over to a baby grand in the corner. I had thought the instrument was just for looks. But as he sat down I realized it was all for Edward.

I turned back to Esme as the first notes of his song floated over the now silent room. Her eyes were filled with tears and the sweetest smile spread across her face.

Breathtaking.

Fucker. Edward did it. He weaseled his way in to her heart and erased all the shit she hated him for. Unbelievable.

As was his composition. I found the dance we shared a natural and easy flow—the song just seemed to match the beating of our hearts. The pulse of our partnership and I had to admit that when it came to a close I was a little misty eyed myself.

Little shit. Didn't he know being perfect was my thing? I chuckled to myself as we left the dance floor.

"What's so funny?" My wife asked on our way to the piano. I just shook my head and winked.

I shook Edward's slightly trembling hand. I scowled. "It's just been a long time." He admitted. I titled my head. I knew Alice had said Edward was in a band. "Since I've composed," He clarified.

Ah. He was nervous that the piece wasn't good enough. I smiled at him and nodded my head. It was Cullen-men talk for job well done. He nodded in thanks.

And all doubt he might have had over the piece was crushed when Esme stepped up and threw her arms around his shoulders. "Thank you Edward." She whispered.

He smiled at her. She was called to more bridal duties by the wedding Nazi formerly known as Alice. And as she walked away Edward turned his damn crooked smile on me and winked.

Fucker.

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**BPOV (two months later, Seattle)**

I kept looking at myself in the mirror. What was I going to do! He would want to have sex. Shit. I couldn't keep denying him this. He deserved something more. Deserved a girl who could be honest with him—a girl who could be with him. The way he looked at me at the wedding. The way he put his hands on me after the reception when we both had too much to drink.

_The way you lied to him and made him believe you wanted him too_.

Luckily he passed out before I had to reject him completely.

I clutched my hand over my stomach as the tears fell silently. I looked at the motherfucker in the mirror- Edward had once told me about his own motherfucker. Told me that his broke through to show him what love really could be. I wasn't sure that was the promise of mine. I think mine was some vicious harpy that would rob Edward of all the promises of his future.

I glared at that inner bitch. I wished like hell that I could fight her- she was every missed opportunity with my father. She was every time I let my mom down. She was every hit I threw at Edward's body. And I hated how much power I let her have over me.

The knock was quiet and gentle- just like him. "Bella?" His voice was filled with all the love the harpy didn't deserve. I didn't deserve. How much longer could I string him along? How many more times would I smile even though I was dying inside? How much harder could I make the ending be for Edward?

_You're a fucking lying bitch Bella… you tell me_.

"Coming," I said with an eerily cheery voice. I guess the answer was plain to see.

How much. A lot.

Just a lot.

**-**-Bookends-**-**

The bar was crowded when we got there. I had to sit on Edward's lap in the corner. We didn't mind. We both desired the contact for comfort anyway. Tonight his band had a gig and we told them we'd stop by. I watched the guys set up and my heart sank again.

Edward left the band the day we got back from Forks. He simply announced that the wedding made him reevaluate his life… said he wanted to start his future with me. Shit. What future would be left if I remained? I robbed Edward of everything. His happiness. His education. His music... it would only be a matter of time until he became a zombie like me. I would never forgive myself for ruining his life as effectively as I had.

_Yes you fucking did Bella_.

I tried to mask the pain but he saw it anyway. Of course he saw it. We were in a bar with fifty other people. Noise so loud I could barely hear myself think. So much movement that the whole room seemed to be shaking- and he saw it. Like I was the one thing in his world.

Shit.

"Bella?" His hands were in my hair and caressing my back and neck. I wanted to cry. I couldn't keep doing this to him.

"Can we get some air?" I said in a determined yet defeated voice.

His eyes bugged out for a minute when they met mine. I couldn't hide it anymore. I had to do this. I had to break it off with him. I didn't have any excuse worked up. I barely had any idea of what I would say. I just knew I couldn't keep killing him like this. They seemed minor things to him but in my mind I could see the major damage they were doing to his future.

I couldn't keep sucking the life out of Edward. Edward was life- my life. I had to end this before there became nothing left to save.

We ended up in the alley. As far as alleys went this city had some of the cleanest I had ever seen. He never took his hands off of me. He had to feel it. I could feel it. There was a distance in the air between us. I knew I was putting it there but it didn't make it any less difficult to deal with.

"What?" His voice was hurt. Soft. Quiet. Pain.

My eyes were tortured when they looked back up into his. "I can't do this anymore Edward. I... I want..." My breath hitched. I couldn't do this the way I wanted to. I couldn't be some cold heartless bitch who just cut him off. I loved him too much. "I want to be free...my eyes looked down at his chest." His eyes would just undo me. I didn't miss that his chest rose and fell with panicked breaths. "From you," I said casting him an apologetic glance from beneath my lashes.

"What?" His face said it all. He was confused. He didn't believe it. He would never believe it.

"Bella... what are talking about?" His hands cupped my face. I was past wanting to cry- I was just trying not to explode from the pain.

Tears I thought had escaped me years ago were suddenly flowing down my cheeks.

Snot ran down to my lip- just once couldn't I cry pretty! This was too much- too painful. "I can't... I want to try... something new." His eyes were dark at that. It was Edward's biggest fear. That night- the first one in New York, we had felt so awkward together and he said it then. That he was afraid that we would grow apart. That I would want something new what he had called something normal.

I was a vicious harpy bitch. He swallowed hard. "Bella..." his voice was severe. My chest was tight as I listened.

"I can change." He strangled the plea from his chest. It broke my heart.

He could.

I couldn't.

"I'll do anything baby." He crouched down to put his eyes level with mine. Now he was going to beg. FUCK! I couldn't do this to him too.

"No Edward!" I shouted. My fists balled- but I couldn't hit him. Not anymore. I couldn't hurt him anymore.

"Bella!" I turned to run down the alley. But his arms caught me from behind. Why was it always raining when we were like this? I was soaking wet when he hugged my back to his chest.

"I love you. I love you. I love you." He chanted. I just closed my eyes. What else could I do?

"I don't." I said flatly. I bottled my emotions up. Maybe I could make this work. Maybe I could convince him- but that would require convincing my self first.

"I know."

Fuck. My entire body turned to ice when he said it. The words suggested pain but his voice told me... he understood. I went from terrifying revelation to really fucking pissed off. He just knew... what the fuck did he think he knew. That I was never in love with him. That I never could be because he was such an unwanted thing.

Fuck Edward! _Fuck you Bella! Prove to me that you've shown him one moment of love since you followed him to New York. Hypocrite._

I was mad, but he was in the mood to sooth that. His hands ran down my arms- goose bumps rose against my will. His touch would always do that to my body- it was my fucked up mind that had the problem.

"Listen Edward," I tried to say it with no emotion- but there were just too many emotions. "Let me go." I said simply. Both of us knew I wasn't talking about his hands on my arms.

"I need this please. Stop." His hands stopped and gripped around my shoulders. Other girls would have been frightened by that. But I knew Edward- he would never hurt me.

"No." The returned venom in that word was like a shot to my nervous system. That was it. We were going to battle for this again. Now he was angry and I was pissed and we were both feeling needy and hungry. And we were both stubborn fucking mules. His fingers tightened and the air cracked around us with that old electricity that never made an appearance in New York, or Florida.

I felt tingly all over. I felt myself warm and ready for him. I wanted him. I needed him. Or at least my body did. My mind was screaming for me to run now- before it was too late.

"I know what you need." Before I knew it I was slammed up against the wall. Not in a hurt and painful kind of way, but in a do that again Edward kind of way. The animal in Edward's eyes excited me more. Possessive. Raw. Powerful. Mine.

I wanted to deny it. But there he was- all for me. What the fuck was wrong with my brain? He didn't kiss me like I thought he would. Instead he placed his strong hands on either side of my head- palms flat against the wall. He leaned his nose in to the skin under my ear. My neck- he knew my neck was my weak spot when it came to him.

Would any man ever know my body the way Edward did.

I felt his teeth nip the flesh just behind my jaw. I whimpered as the sharp tingles jolted in my stomach. No. No man would ever play me as easily as my personal composer did.

_You're going to regret this Bella_. Shut the hell up bitch, Ill worry about that later.

"Bella..." he breathed across my flesh. His lips moved along my jaw and up my cheek. My skin was growing warm- hot with each gentle, wet kiss. My eyes fell closed and I felt his silky smooth lips brush across each eyelids.

"Please Bella." He kissed the tip of my nose. My breath was hitching as my pulse spiked. I couldn't pull enough air into my lungs to take a full breath. I felt his lips pull away just before they touched mine. I whimpered again and felt my body move out to follow him.

His hands were suddenly cupping my cheeks. Shit that felt good. "Bella." I resisted the urge to purr. My body was on fire. His thumbs traced my cheeks.

I opened my eyes.

_Fuck you Bella. This is only putting off the inevitable_.

We rushed home… and like to wild animals we were clinging to each other and groping whatever we could reach every step to our bedroom.

We fell back on to the bed.

"Fuck," Edward grunted. Our hands and lips and tongues couldn't touch each other enough. My finger tips were in his hair and my toes were running up and down his legs.

"_Bella_." I moaned as he hissed my name. I really wanted this- wanted him. Didn't I? I could feel my stomach muscles tightened at the thought. It had been so long since he was with me- and back then we didn't have any time or any clue how do it right. Edward would spend all night getting it right with me now.

I whimpered another moan of lust as I thought about the truth of that and felt his hand glide under my shirt. I hooked my leg around his hips.

His lips were all over my throat. He sucked the skin forcefully. I dug my nails in to his arms when his teeth sunk into my flesh. It felt so fucking good. My heart pounded in my chest and my blood rushed to spot where his lips marked me.

I cried out- sure that he was drawing blood. "_Edward_." I moaned. He grunted and the hand not groping my breasts shifted to press under my panties inside my jeans.

One finger. All it took was one finger to gain access- slipping between my folds and run along my slick need. My eyes rolled back in my head. There was a deafening scream building in my mind.

His finger pushed ever so slightly in. Spreading me.

Too real.

FUCK.

"NO!" I screamed. I planted my hands on his chest and shoved.

I didn't stop to see if he was hurt from the rejection. I had to get to the bathroom immediately. I threw up as soon as I got there. The down to your toes kind of gag—the one that left you jittery and shaking from the force of it.

I took off my shirt and let the sobs break loose. I sat with my back to the door and just slammed my head against it. Somewhere in my psychosis my mind was trying to count to one hundred but the majority of my brain was ruled by the harpy bitch. The one screaming that I should have left years ago.

I knew in that moment. I might find the strength to run away one day. I might even find a way to build a life with someone other than Edward. But I would never be able to leave him. Neither of us would ever exist without the other one now.

_You're such a fucking liar Bella_.

"I know." I whispered to darkness of my mind.


	27. Pocket Full of Mumbles

**Bookends By: Bella's Executioner.**

**Rating: M- this means if you're under 16 you are agreeing to break your own ToS by reading this and I'm not your mother so be responsible for yourself.**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is the sole owner of the world of Twilight. She is Bella's creator. I am Bella's Executioner.**

**A/N: Bookends is the very first fanfiction I started writing. It's been on this site, moved and come back. It has errors, fuck ups and lots of proofs that I'm human but it also has all of my heart and soul in it. I welcome you into this world of pain and love and hope that you enjoy. I also welcome your thoughts as you read—pm me or review and I'll be happy to discuss the story with you.**

**Chapter 27: Pocket full of mumbles**

**-**-Bookends-**-**

In the clearing stands a boxer

and a fighter by his trade

and he carries the reminders

of every glove that laid him down

or cut him till he cried out

in his anger and his shame

I am leaving

I am leaving

but the fighter still remains.

(The Boxer, Paul Simon)

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**EPOV (same night)**

Fuck.

My ears were ringing when I woke.

"Fuck." I murmured. My head felt like it was going to split in two.

I wondered idly if she even noticed that I got fucked up last night. Probably not. Bella never noticed shit like that anymore.

I rubbed my hands over my face. My phone was still vibrating the alarm for me to wake up. One more hour before Bella would wake up. I shuffled into the room. Another thing she probably never figured out.

We had a mother fucking routine for sleeping and she didn't even realize it. We both went to bed together. But once she started rubbing against me and whispering desires that I knew she didn't intend to let me follow through with I got the fuck up.

The first time it shocked me. I didn't think there was a chance in hell that I would ever leave Bella alone in our bed if I knew there was a possibility she might have a nightmare.

Well fucking surprise motherfucker there was a fucking lot about yourself that you didn't know.

Like how you didn't even try to sit and draw or compose you just went straight for the bottle of Jack in the kitchen. I couldn't even remember us buying it. I just knew it was there and it dulled everything.

I was a repulsive motherfucker. No one could deny it. I hated the smell of that shit on my breath. It was Ed Masen. Not me. I looked down at my hands.

No. It was me.

I should be trying to help her. I should be trying to figure out what the hell is going on. But it hurts too much.

I sighed as I passed the bed and headed into the bathroom. She was still in the midst of her wet fucking dream. Fantastic. I would have to suffer through some of it tonight. Suffer through her smell... fuck she smelled so good. Especially when she was horny for me.

I held my cock while I pissed. I couldn't even remember the last time I consciously held this thing. It only served one purpose these days and it was doing it now. I stroked my fist around it once when I was done.

Nope. Nothing.

I regretted the little tug when I crawled into bed. Bella immediately sought my warmth and she hitched a leg over my waist. Fuck. Mud. I focused on the ceiling and chanted the word in my head like I was some fifteen-year-old prick.

I was wrong. My cock was giving me plenty of suggestions of new employment opportunities for him. One of them was just begging to be taken advantage of resting right above him.

I groaned. No. I couldn't do that to her. She was fucking freaked by anything physical these days. Taking advantage of her would be the worst God damn thing I could ever do.

Bella sighed and rolled away. That was my cue to act like I was asleep. Routine. Since that first night a year ago I knew our nightly ritual as naturally as breathing. First she falls asleep. Then I go to the kitchen and get drunk. I pass out on the couch until midnight. She wakes up at one and sits by the window until the sun comes up and we start the day all over again.

That was it. That was what we did.

Except for the other night when I fell asleep after I came back to bed. Fuck. I must have scared the crap out of her. I sure hell scared it out of me.

Course she gave me plenty of reasons to want to cry too. What the hell was with her tonight I don't know? I just knew it was something I did.

Nights like tonight I just wished I never came back from this damn house two years ago. Bella was doing so good before that day I came back. Fuck. I was doing so good before I came back.

To my fucking surprise she didn't get out of bed- She staid next to me. I peeked one eye open and saw that she was pretending to sleep too. Of fucking course. Why would any other aspect of our lives be different? We were both putting on a show every minute that we were awake. Why the hell would the hours that we were supposed to be asleep be any different?

That thought made me angry. Made me want to get up and drink some more. The booze had worn off and now there was just a dull ache in my brain. One that seemed to pound with reminders of the little things everyday that told me she was leaving.

Just like Tanya.

I cinched my eyes tighter and prayed for unconsciousness. Though that would bring out the nightmare again. The one that was all too familiar but blacker than it had ever been.

The one that had me reeking of alcohol and Bella cowering beneath me. With our son standing at our door getting ready to fight me. The one that told me I was the biggest fuck up in the history of fuck ups.

A tear snuck through the corner of my eye. I drew in a weary breath.

It was this place. Living in this house. Sitting at the fucking kitchen table that I hated so much doing exactly what I hated seeing my father do every single night he lived here. Seeing Bella melt away and some empty shell of a broken woman replace her.

Hell.

My own person fucking hell.

I bought her a ring. When we were in New York. It was pretty. Not pretty like her- and nowhere near as expensive and nice of one as I wanted to give her but it just felt right when I found it.

I had it buried in my sock drawer now. I had no right to ask her to marry me. I spent all my time these days trying to figure out how to just _make_ her happy. Make her- not live in happiness but force it down her mother fucking throat.

I was such a miserable excuse for a human being. She could do so much better. And last night... Fuck. She was begging for me to let her go. All I could see was the wasteland I would fall into.

I was soulless without Bella. I really would become my father without her soothing presence to remind me to be calm.

I released a deep breath and shook my head. Man up motherfucker. You can do this. You can take care of her. You just have stop being so fucking selfish about it.

I could do that. I would do anything she wanted- just so long as she staid with me.

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**JPOV (Forks, the next night)**

The phone call came in the dead of the night.

Alice sat straight up in bed two seconds before the call came through. She was covered in sweat and terrified.

"What is it sweetheart?" I jumped on the defensive the phone could wait.

"Answer it." She whispered in a strangled cry.

I swallowed down the fear as I lifted the receiver to my ear. Living with Alice sometimes felt like living with that mystic lady at the fair.

"Yes?"

"Jazz?" _Bella_. A relief that I couldn't begin to explain spread through me. It was unreasonable and a little crazy but just hearing Bella's voice assured me she was still alive and for the past couple of years Bella's survival had been a very important focus in my life.

"Bella, what's going on?"

Before she could answer my question a hand came into focus three inches in front of my face. It was too dark to see much else but I could see by the way it was held that she was already annoyed that I hadn't handed over the phone.

I sighed and gave Alice the phone.

I got up and went to the bathroom. Something told me that I would need to take a shower. We would be getting a houseguest for a little while.

I was cool with that. I missed her. A lot. And I needed to share with her the therapy that I was finding help with. I was doing much better facing that night-able to work through it. I knew if Bella had some time to talk to my therapist she could start healing too.

I was actually optimistic for the first time in a long time when I came back to the bedroom. It was indefensible. Bella coming here meant my big brother would be in pain- but right now I knew Bella's pain was worse.

Besides I was still a little pissed with him that he took her away from me when we were in New York. I needed her back then. Needed someone to commiserate with but mostly I had built my life around helping her and a big part of my identity was walking out the door with Bella.

She was the first person who had ever needed me that way. Then one day she... didn't anymore. That stung.

Alice let out a giant breath when I sat down on the bed to get dressed.

"They had a fight. Well sort of. Bella tried to leave and... he..."

My heart leapt to my throat. Though I trusted Edward with my life and admired him like the hero he was- I also always thought the worst.

"Did he hurt her?" I seethed.

Alice gasped and smacked my arm. "Jazz! How dare you think he even could! NO! He... kissed her. And then they... _almost_..."

I hung my head in shame. Poor Edward. I was such a horrible brother. Not only did I think the worst of him but... I knew what was going on with Bella. It had to be like living inside a nightmare for him.

"Is she finally moving out?" I pulled on my boxers and felt the bed give as Alice rolled out to head into the shower.

She yawned. "No. She is just pretending she needs to be here early for next week. Edward has to stay in Seattle because his band has an interview with some magazine and they want him there. I know," she threw her hands up before I could speak. "It's a big thing for him and she is heartless for leaving but she... she's fed up Jazz. She sounded... detached."

I put on my socks in silence.

"So she is staying here and he is going to meet up with us for the party."

I pulled on my pants. I focused on the mundane aspects of getting dressed. A zipper. A button. Smoothing out the pockets. Whatever kept me from getting mad.

"Jazz," Alice said putting her arms around my waist from behind. I sighed.

"I love you."

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**(One week later)**

Alice stroked her fingers at the nape of my neck. Her pencil scratched furiously on the agenda in front of her. Her lips were pursed in that line of pixie determination and her eyes were narrowed as if inspecting a battle strategy.

I chuckled.

The hand on my neck smacked the back of my head- but she didn't acknowledge me otherwise. That only made me laugh harder.

Rosalie had cornered Alice the night of Carlisle and Esme's wedding. There wasn't enough of what was called an "Alice window" between that night and the ceremony tomorrow but my girl was making do.

I snorted at the thought of Alice 'making do'. It was a good thing our father was made of money.

She scribbled a note beside tonight's festivities. Emergency meeting with Bella. It was in all caps and underlined three times. I shifted in my seat as I read it. I got to the name and then I stood up.

"What?" Alice asked following me with her eyes.

"I forgot something for tonight. I um... I'll be back at lunch." She knitted her brows and cast that studious look at me.

"It has nothing to do with you, Jazz." She said- all knowing little sprite that she was.

"It has everything to do with me, Al." I winked and puckered my lips at her.

She rolled her eyes and laughed before she went back to organizing Rose and Em's first year of married life.

"Do me a favor?" I asked as I pulled open the door.

She scowled over the edge of the planner at me.

"What?" she grumbled.

I smiled, shoving down the anger that was welling inside of me. "Don't get your hopes up."

It slipped out. I wasn't able to hide it as well as I used to. Alice's face fell. _Shit_. That was hardly what I intended. I meant to tease her. I meant to joke with her and then take off to sulk in my anger alone. But I could never hide anything from Al.

"Alice." She sucked in the pout that she couldn't hide. "Sweetheart, I'm sorry." I finished. Wishing like hell it was true. There was some dark place inside of me that wanted everyone around me to suffer as much as I was suffering. It wasn't fair but it was the best I could do.

"No Jazz." She offered quietly- throwing her hand up to hold me at the door and not draw me back into our living room. "It's okay. I know what you mean. I ... I just miss her. I just hope... I won't give up on her." Alice's eyes shown with intense conviction. She wouldn't give up on Bella.

Not like I had.

I nodded and ducked out before I let the resentment of my last thought show once more. It was problematic to say the least to not only live with someone who could read my actions like a book before even I could, but for me to be a little too emotionally involved in everything around me as well.

I set out on the muddy road that led down to the Sol Duc with no real destination in mind. I just needed to clear my head. That's not true. My head was screwed on pretty straight. My head saw the world in clear-cut reality and lines of fact. I could approach every moment of my life with a strategic eye- know the right moves to make in life to avoid being hurt.

But my heart was a different story. Times like this I wished I were ruled by my logic. Logic was easy to test in school. I was perfect at thinking in a workbook. Detachment to a case study of people who were nothing more than names in a book, abstract and no more real than the pages they are printed on, was child's play. But once that person was whole and real... I sighed as I reached the river.

I wanted to feel nostalgic for standing here right now. Al had been a month ago when we decided to come back. Every inch of our return from the second we crossed the bridge just before the turn off to Push. She sucked in a breath when she saw the gas station at the edge of town. She whimpered around a choke of tears when she caught sight of Newton's Outfitters. And she just let the tears flow unabashedly when I turned on to the all but invisible drive that led to our family home.

This place was a home. It had been a home that I had lived in for a handful of years but... I never felt like I belonged anywhere. I never had a place I called my home.

That wasn't completely true. I had two things that made anywhere I ended up home. I had Alice. And I had Edward.

I hung my head and took a deep breath. My big brother wasn't even my real big brother. Somehow I had always known. I never considered the whole morbid tale that really was my past but I knew having Edward as a big brother was too good to be true.

I always told myself. Just put up with it, just face Tanya's crap and survive it. You lucked out- you got Edward. He was worth all the shit she could through at me.

I lied to Alice, maybe even myself, all those years ago when I found out the truth. I told everyone that it didn't matter. It was no big deal to find out that I wasn't even Tanya's kid. I had a family. I knew where I belonged. But I'm not sure that I did.

Alice begs me every night to explain Bella to her. She doesn't know she's asking me- she doesn't know she talks in her sleep. But I know. I know my love is hurting deeper everyday because I haven't found a way to fix her best friend- her sister. But how do I admit it. How do I after so many missed opportunities finally own up to the fact that I can't help Bella- not when I can't even help myself.

I planted my feet shoulder length apart and crossed my arms over my chest. The river was mesmerizing this early in the morning. It was June so the air wasn't as frigid as it would be in the winter but there was a crisp bite to it. It was a deceiving thing to experience. From the comfort of a heated house the world of Forks looked equally warm and inviting. But ten steps into the climate beyond the walls of that home and you realized that this was a cold world. And it was a chill that could settle into your bones.

My bones were tired today. I was on the defensive. And weary for the long battle that I had already fought.

I would have to face Edward again today. I would have to make sure my eyes never met his. I refused to continue to lie to him, but my vow to Bella was stronger than my bond to my brother. If for no other reason than I knew she would not survive the pressure. And if Bella hurt herself Edward would suffer more than he did from my lies.

I watched as a leave floated down through the exact center of the river. I hated metaphors. But there I was- stuck in the dead center of the sea of choices before me.

I was in therapy- anger management. It wasn't even something I thought I needed. But the night Edward and Bella left New York I leveled their fucking apartment to the ground. Alice called emergency and I had to be sedated. I was shocked to find my own name on the forms that I had so meticulously studied for almost a year by then.

Like I said fake people in a book made more sense to me. I never really realized that I was misdirecting my frustration into anger. I only thanked God I never hurt Alice- and then I would be thankful all the more just having Alice.

She never once changed the way she looked at me or the way she spoke to me. This was just something we had to work through. Just an illness that I had to get over- like the week she had the flu so bad that she slept all day and I had to make sure to wake her up to take her medicine.

I gripped my fists tightly together. My knuckles were white with the force. I held the fists until I reached the number fifty in my head. Then I released the aggression. I pumped my fists over and over until I felt the tension start to ease from my arms.

I went over a lot with my therapist- not least of which was just my never-ending feeling of frustration. All of my life I felt weaker than everyone around me. All of my life I had only ever wanted to protect the hearts of those I cared about.

I felt so helpless now.

She looked... dead.

It wasn't even something I could talk to her about. I don't believe she saw herself that way. I knew she understood she was suffering and she hated herself for what she was doing to Edward, but she was not a living, healthy, nearly eighteen year old.

Bella was letting herself wither and die and I was enabling it by not dragging her to a hospital even now.

There it was- the heat. My face was flaming from the intense hatred that was coursing through me. My vision grew blurry.

I roared in frustration at the fucking river of calm in front of me. No matter how many rocks I tossed at it, it never stopped. How did it do it? How did it keep moving along over and under and around all obstacles that jumped in front of it? How did it stay so calm when the world around it was in flames?

I sat down with a huff. I had no answers. Just fears.

If Bella didn't break up with Edward tomorrow she would go back to Seattle and... die.

It was that simple. Her little body couldn't take much more of this. Not to mention what she was doing to my brother.

Edward.

My chest seized at the thought of him. I wanted to be punished for how I'd treated him for so long. But what shocked me to my toes was the how violently I wanted to punish him right now.

How in the hell could he allow her to get this bad? Why in the hell did he take her away from New York last year? If only he had kept her there, I might have been able to introduce her to my therapist- Dr. Alec. He was a professor of mine in the advance course that I qualified for at NYU. He had a way of removing me completely from the situation at hand- helping me to numb the overwhelming emotions so that I could handle things rationally.

I knew he would have a positive affect on her too. I blamed Edward for stealing that from her.

It wasn't the rational part of my brain thinking this now. It was the part of me that hated being powerless and dependent all of his life. I couldn't help Bella now if she couldn't find a way to detach from Edward.

I put my face in my hands and heaved a heavy sigh.

This was going to be a long weekend.

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**BPOV (same day, Forks)**

I stood in the bathroom of my old house, ten steps across the hall from my old room putting on my earrings. I didn't mind seeing the bitch in the mirror anymore. She was all I ever saw. She was just me now.

I realized that night I tried to break up with Edward that the only way I would be able to convince him that I didn't love him and that I never could, would be to become her completely. I had to push him away. Too hard. Too far.

On the outside you never would have guessed that my heart seized like a class five heart attack at the thought.

I pulled the black stick of mascara across my right set of lashes. I hated makeup. But it was easier to play the lie if I was in character. It was too confusing to try to be both bitch and Bella. Bella didn't want to hurt Edward. But Bella didn't realize that no matter what she did now Edward was going to hurt.

I pumped myself up for tonight. I had perfected my icy bitch performance for Edward but tonight I would have to apply her to Alice and Rose… Jazz and… Em.

The bitch didn't falter as the thought of my brother being disappointed in me turned my guts to mush. I wouldn't go out of my way to ruin his night. They were having a party tonight and a commitment ceremony at the Cullen house tomorrow. I would not upset their weekend.

But I wasn't going to pretend to be the happy kid anymore. I was a grown up woman who was killing the man she loved.

"You ready?" He was always so fucking sweet—even now. I could tell that he was annoyed. Knew that he was frustrated all of the time. But it seemed like the more I withdrew and treated him indifferently, the harder he tried to support me.

"Yes."

He offered me my coat and I just grabbed it and slung it over my arm. His eyes fell at that. _Don't do it Bella—don't peek out right now. We have to do this_.

Five minutes later we were walking down to the party. It was so typical Em and Rose. Party at the Swan house and ceremony at the Cullen house. I resisted the urge to roll my eyes as I heard my big brother's booming laugh in the kitchen.

I couldn't resist the smile that turned the corners of my mouth up. I didn't miss Edward's tension over seeing me smile. He loved to see me smile. And so I never smiled around him anymore. He must have known something was up

Such a bitch I was.

Mom and Carlisle were standing by the stairs greeting company. I gave mom a hug and was surprised to find Carlisle offering one as well. What must it have been like to have a dad like him growing up?

Edward stayed behind and talked to Carlisle. Mom gave me that look that said we need to talk and I just headed into the kitchen instead. We've needed to talk most of my life. Why start now?

"Hey, bro," I said quietly as I came up on the hulk that was my big brother. Em jumped at the sound of my voice. He turned with a wide grin that fell as soon as he saw my face. He looked me up and down and his eyes were grave when they met mine.

I shifted under his scrutiny. "Bells?" He asked like he wasn't sure it was me. I choked on the fear that was threatening to damage my calm.

I had been in town for the last week but I was staying in town at Jazz and Alice's studio. They took an old warehouse and converted into a 'whatever they needed it to be space'. I took over their couch and avoided going anywhere that the rest of the family would visit for the week.

It was unnerving to finally have my family see me. I twisted my fingers together behind my back.

I shined him on and laughed. "Who else?" I punched his arm but he just stood there staring at me in shock. Damn it.

"There you are!" Well who ever would have guessed that I would want to be rescued by a bridesmaid duty tutorial by the wedding Nazi? But I was more than relieved to hear Alice's voice.

Em didn't respond he just kept staring at me and I headed upstairs with Alice dragging my arm behind her. "How's Jazz?" I asked.

She stopped and huffed and rolled her eyes. "Don't ask." She sighed.

I was shoved into my old bedroom. Though I quickly realized that this was far from my old bedroom as possible. Rose had conceded and allowed Em to have his "game" room. And in typical big brother fashion he converted my room into it.

I was inspecting the variety of darts for the boards on the far wall. Alice was going over the production tomorrow. I smiled when it was required. I even looked excited at appropriate times. But mostly my mind was blocking out the very idea of marriage and commitment and happy couples. Going to mom and Carlisle's wedding was hard enough. But I had my goddamn daddy issues to focus on there. Now it was Rose and Em—two people who by the very laws of nature were not meant to end up together. But there they were in love and supporting each other. Healthy and happy and fucking blissful.

I scowled at the pool table.

"Up to speed squirt?" Another desperately familiar voice said from the door. I nodded. Rose was a vision. Her surgeries were just about done. She had to have several reconstructive procedures and then many other disgusting things done to her that I didn't pay much attention to. In the end, she looked a lot like the same old Rose. Tall and leggy and gorgeous. She was just... more. And now she was blonde.

She and Alice both regarded me like the rest of the family had. With weary glances and a distance that matched the one I had given Edward.

I made it through dinner. Made it through toasting my brother and Rose—a person who was there for me at one the worst moments in my life. It was only after I raised my glass that I noticed him.

Standing in the kitchen doorway, leaning against the door jam was Jazz. He hadn't joined everyone else for dinner. Hell he had avoided me almost the entire time I staid at his apartment. His arms were crossed over his chest and his eyes were glaring directly at me. The mask broke for a minute.

Edward saw.

I excused myself and headed outside. Jazz followed.

"What the fuck are doing Bella?" He slurred coming up behind me. I stopped two feet from the base of the tree house tree—not bothering to turn around and face him.

"I don't know what you're talking about Jazz."

"You fucking do! What the… fuck! What… Where did you go?" The words were just a whisper but the Bella that was buried down under the icy bitch heard the message loud and clear.

"I had to go with him, Jazz. It wasn't fair to you- and I it wasn't fair to him."

He scoffed. I realized when I turned around that he was drunk. His eyes were bloodshot.

"Where the hell do you get off doing this to them?" I scolded. He glared at me.

"People who treat people the way you do don't get to patronize Miss Swan." He hissed.

I recoiled from his assault. There were no apologies exchanged between us. We were both right. That was the thing with Jazz- he cut through the crap with me. He knew what was really going on underneath it all. Edward used to be able to do that too.

My eyes cast down as I thought of Edward. I should just get in a car and drive away right now. But tonight and tomorrow belonged to Em and Rose.

"Bella?" Jazz whispered.

I sucked in a sharp breath. "We're going back in there right now. And we are both going to be civil and nice and happy for them. And tomorrow we will do the same. After that we can fight."

Just not tonight Jazz.

I turned back to the house and joined back in on the conversations. Edward put his hand on my thigh when I sat down. His eyes were concerned. I just shrugged and turned to talk to Mike who happened to be sitting across from me.

The hand on my thigh quietly and slowly slipped away.

Good.

Em raised a glass and knocked the side of it with his fork to get our attention.

"I wanna make an announcement before you all head out tonight. It hasn't been the easiest thing in the world for my baby and me to be together." Rose put her hand on his arm and looked up at him in a reverence that I thought I once understood.

"This is one hell of a woman." My eyes were misty as I watched my big brother look at the woman he loved with such... gut wrenching adoration. "Thank you for finding me Rosey and for loving me. And thanks to all of you," he said turning as if suddenly realizing they weren't alone.

"We couldn't have this life together if it weren't for every one of you. We wouldn't have a tomorrow without you. And..." he looked down at Rose and she winked and nodded up at him.

"We wanted to announce that we are starting the process for adoption. We want... to start a family of our own." He was lost in her eyes and the love that radiated from them again. Everyone erupted in applause and hoots of joys while Em and Rose shared a quiet kiss.

I was frozen.

A family. I could never have a family.

I could feel them on me. Their eyes.

Jazz was worried.

Alice was sad.

Edward was accusing.

I just went back to eating, and talking to Mike.

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**(next afternoon after the ceremony)**

"Bella wait." I was through the bathroom door before I had to look in his eyes any longer. He'd see it. He'd finally fucking put it together if he started talking about this right now. If I didn't hide the truth in my eyes.

Edward had not spoken more than a handful of words to me everyday since we moved to Seattle all those months ago. But all damn day he was none stop happy talking about Em and Rose... and their possible family.

Having a family.

Having kids.

"Bella please." He whispered against the door. I closed those eyes. There were no tears. I cried all the tears out over this. Now there was only the darkness. The deep unending pit in my chest that was going to swallow me whole.

"I don't want kids if they're not with you." He said simply.

Fuck.

Bitch and Bella and every Bella in between slipped away at that very second. It was finally time for dead Bella to come back.

My eyes looked midnight black as I watched the strange image of my reflection watch me. That was a ghost of a human being staring in the mirror... and she was not going to allow me to leave this room without remembering that pain.

I could all but feel Edward's hand as it gently smoothed across the other side of the door- as if he were trying to sooth me with the action.

"I just... I know its fucking stupid to... I just really fucking love you, Bella." His voice was so pained that my guts twisted automatically at the sound. I braced my hands on the sink in front of me. And glared the dead bitch down.

"Please, Edward... I don't want to have..." I swallowed hard. I could do this for him. "I don't want to have any _children_." I was dry heaving around the word. Gagging at the rise of bile in my throat.

The bitch's dark eyes told me the truth. They told me it wasn't a matter of what I wanted. I couldn't have kids. She'd never let me. My breaths started growing more ragged and my guts kept squeezing.

"I know... but... Fuck." I jumped as his fist connected with the wood of the door. "I just... I want to see your babies Bella."

Oh god. My heart started to seize. Not now Edward. Please.

"I... I want hold them. I want to hold the little life created by the two of us together. Like... the best of you and me combined. I don't know... Fuck. It would be like fucking proof you know?"

The bitch's eyes were wide and I felt the room spinning around me. Oh god I could see it. The blood. There was so much blood.

Edward sighed. My hands trembled.

"Edward..." my voice had no sound. And a look in the mirror showed that the bitch was choking the ability to scream from me. My mouth opened and closed and my entire form locked down with the need to scream.

"_Help._.." I squeaked barely loud enough for my own ears to hear.

"It would just prove that you and I... belong together. That we... were compatible or some shit. A perfect little baby. You and me... together. Forever."

I closed my eyes.

NO BELLA.

No help.

I laid down on the floor and let the depths of despair swallow me whole.

My chest heaved with the sobs and my mind split in two from the pain.

The entire world was dark and I was screaming. My baby was floating away from me. And Edward was beyond my reach.

Help me.

I don't know how long I lay there like that but I couldn't hear Edward anymore when I came back around to conscious thought. I wiped my eyes and prepared myself to go back out there and play nice long enough to make it to the Swan side of the yard. Once I was back in my old bedroom I could collapse and stop breathing.

But I had to get there first.

-**-Bookends-**-

**EPOV (same time)**

She was so silent as we headed upstairs. She made sure to look anywhere but at me. Fuck. What did I say? I know Bella's stance on having kids. I know she hated her childhood- the one fucking thing we had in common anymore. But why was it so wrong for me to say I was excited for Em and Rose?

What the fuck! She would have yelled at me for saying anything else. Well... my old Bella would have yelled at me. The shell of Bella that I had lived with for almost three years now... fuck she was happy to just ignore anything that made us fight. Or talk. Or fuck.

When we got to the fucking door I couldn't take it anymore. "What?" I spat at her like she was some annoying fucking dog. She jumped at the sound of my voice- proving that I was the biggest fucking asshole in the world.

Fuck Cullen.

"I'm sorry, sweetheart." I said putting my hands on either side of her face. I tried to tilt her eyes up toward mine. I could fucking do this. I could fucking take care of her and help her. She just had to let me see what was wrong.

With all the strength left in her little body she forced her face down and hid.

Fuck.

"Bella, are you... I mean I know when we were younger…" Fuck when we were younger. We were still kids. She still wasn't a legal adult yet. But it just felt... right. Felt like we could make this work. We could... start a family. We just had to work through whatever was bothering her.

I knew it was naïve to believe but... I didn't want that life with anyone but Bella.

Fuck. There was a mental picture- Bella, as my wife, pregnant with my kid.

Fuck.

"No." She whispered. I was drawn from my vision by the sheer terror in her voice. It took me back two years. Straight to that tree house. And Bella's blood curdling screams.

What the fuck. "Bella?" I whispered.

She was running to the bedroom before I could process her movement and she slammed the bathroom door shut in my face just as I passed the bed. We fought some more and then… silence.

It was so fucking frustrating. For the most part... I didn't fucking care. I would do anything, put up with anything, to have any kind of life with Bella. I didn't give a fuck. I would be who I needed to be. Say what I needed to say. Fuck I would scrub toilets in fucking Newton's private restroom if it meant I got to have Bella.

I pressed my palms against the door. It wasn't frustrating to change who I was for her. I mostly didn't like a lot of me anyway. It was just fucking unnerving to see that she was slowly fading away. It didn't matter what I fucking did. She just kept getting worse.

I knew I was no help with my new addiction to not facing life- but I was reaching out now, she could take it... or leave it.

I slammed my forehead against the wood. "No more talk about it Bella. I promise. Just come out here and let's go to back down to the party. We don't ever have to talk about it again." And I fucking meant it. No kids. Fine. As long as I got to have Bella it was all fine.

Nothing. No answer. No noise of any kind.

I sat down on the floor with my back to the door.

Defeated. Fuck.

Just like they did every night I felt the tears sting the back of my eyes. I couldn't let her go. Never. I let go of everyone else right before they left me. I stopped giving a shit that Ed beat me two days before he died. I stopped giving a shit about taking care of Tanya right before she shipped us off to Carlisle. I stopped worrying about Jazz and I hadn't heard from him once since Bella and I left New York.

I couldn't stop Bella. I wouldn't stop Bella. I was a fucking failure in everything else in my life but I couldn't fail this.

I wouldn't survive it. If I wasn't made to love Bella Swan what the fuck was I made for!

I sat there in silence for what felt like eternity. She never made a sound in the bathroom I watched as the sun set and my old room was cast in dark shadows. I glared at the bed- scowled at the menacing tree house I could see out the window.

Bad memories. That was Bella's excuse.

Well fuck, it would be mine too.

She wouldn't talk to me. Fine. Fuck her. She had torn my heart enough lately. What the fuck did I expect- I was something repulsive to her anyway. Telling her I wanted to have kids with her probably did her in.

I shoved my way downstairs. There were more people here now. The house looked like a God damn rave. Rose and Em were smearing cake in each other's faces. I went to Carlisle's study. I knew where he kept the good stuff.

I grabbed the bottle of scotch and headed outside. I didn't bother with a glass. I wanted this to happen fast why waste time with a glass. My throat burned like I had swallowed a mother fucking lit match and the amber liquid scorched my stomach when it hit it too.

But it was actually a welcomed sensation. Within minutes I was almost too drunk to stand. I kept throwing back the bottle. I needed more- because every time I drank it I was reminded of a moment in my life that I wished I could take back.

Bella smoking weed with me and having me push her away. Bella and me getting drunk in the tree house and me pushing her away. Bella and me getting shit faced at the lake and me only offering her only my finger.

The contents of the bottle sloshed against the glass as the level of liquid got lower and lower.

Bella screaming in front of that bonfire. Bella dying in my arms. Bella naked above me and moaning beneath me. Bella...

"Shit." I hissed. The way she looked that first day I came back, up there in the tree house that was above me now, she looked... dead.

I slammed my head back against the solid bark of the tree. The world was a tumble of fire, pain and images of Bella. I caught a whiff of raindrops.

"Bella," I whispered. But where was the heather? That was the other part of Bella. Raindrops and heather.

A delicate hand cupped the side of my face. My eyes fell closed. The world around me was a blurry haze. I smelled Bella. I saw Bella.

"Bella," I whispered again.

Soft lips touched mine. I whimpered.

Her lips were warm. Like they were before- back before I killed her.

The lips remained on mine and pressed harder- pushing me back into the tree. I groaned. It felt so damn good.

Bella laughing as we played baseball. Bella dancing with me in the rain.

I felt the drops falling from the sky on us again. Rain was just a constant in the backdrop of our lives.

The lips pressed firm against mine one more time- my hands reached up to cup her face.

I was so far gone that I could barely stand from the buzz coursing through me. I was barely aware that there was something missing- that electric pull that always squeezed my guts. Even when I was wasted off my ass I could still feel that tingle when I kissed her.

I opened my eyes, hopeful that she was willing to talk this over with me. For a brief second I was in heaven. It was raining and I was pressed up against our tree kissing my girl.

Then my vision cleared to find a pair of blue eyes shining back at me.

I heard the gasp from the backdoor in the same second that my brain registered the fact that I wasn't kissing my girl.

I looked up to find the green-eyed monster at the door, Newton's cousin Jane's little body pressed up against mine.

Fuck.

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**BPOV (Seattle the next day)**

I borrowed Alice's car and drove back early this morning.

_He_ left right after the party- once Carlisle told him he was sober enough to drive.

I was rather numb the whole ride home. I wasn't able to process any of it. On one level the bitch was completely gone. As if I no longer had a need for her. Dead Bella was pretty front and center. I... I just couldn't believe it.

He kissed her. Her… some nobody that no one but Mike knew.

I walked out of the back door and saw Edward pressed up against our tree... kissing someone else. I didn't even know who she was. I just knew she wasn't me.

And I knew that he was enjoying it.

He was standing on the corner a block away from the house when I turned on our street.

I parked.

It was time.

He stood next to me but we were no longer together. "You know that I never meant to hurt you." His voice was calm—there was guilt that I hadn't expected to be there.

My throat choked at the confession. I had hurt him so much deeper and for so much longer than he'd ever know. But I couldn't wish away the pain that was burning my flesh just beneath the surface. He may not have meant to, but he killed me succinctly.

"I know," I lied. My eyes did not well up with tears. I could feel it- my heart had stop wanting to cry. I couldn't even shed a tear over the loss of the greatest love my heart had ever known.

"Bella, I'll do whatever you want. Please. Just tell me. If you want to work through this..." He raised his hands to place them on my arms.

I shrunk back. "I don't want you…" My words were terse and sharp. It was irrational but my skin felt raw at the thought of him touching me. I wanted to hurt him. I wanted him to feel what his betrayal felt like to me.

When my resolute eyes met his- my confidence wavered. His eyes were... grief-stricken. This was a death to him. He would shoulder the blame and he would... believe me.

My eyes saw red.

Edward never believed himself worthy of me. He believed this time we had together was like every other good thing in his life- fleeting. My heart broke all over again to see that belief shining in his eyes.

Again my anger raged. How could he truly believe me after all we had gone through? After all that I fought against and survived to shield him from the cruel reality of this world. How could he really think... no _know_, that I would be capable of falling out of loving him.

That just pissed me off. "Go away." I whispered.

I heard him whimper my name, "_Bella_..." it was a sad, solitary breathless plea. It was all the fight he had left to try to hold me to him. It was... pathetic. I pushed away and turned to head off to the house. I would be gone before he returned—he'd give me the respect of my privacy while I packed.

I waited for it... for the tears to come. Waited for some gut wrenching guilt to take hold and cripple my body from leaving his side.

It never came.

I suppose that's what happens when you die. When you are an evil creature who roams this world after death- some anti-human who no longer has a soul inside her body.

It had been wrong for me to continue to drain the life from his world. Wrong for me to pretend that I could be a whole human once more just by having his arms around me while I slept.

It was my fault. My weakness. And I would rid him of it now. Like the purging of a venom that was poisoning his system, my leaving would save his life. He could be free to live- While I slipped away to die quietly.

I took one last look around the nefarious house before I left. Nothing of me remained. I even made sure to throw out my soap and to spray air freshener around- not even my scent would remain behind to torment him.

I closed the door with a silent click and got into the car. When he got home I would be removed from his life forever. He would not find my socks bunched by the bedside to annoy him anymore. He would not see my wadded pages of unfinished chapters lying by the desk in the corner. My pillow was not on his bed. My bras were not mixed with his boxers. It would be a clean break for him...

A new hope.

A new life.

It would be as if I never existed.

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**CPOV (a week later)**

Edward was asleep on the couch when I came downstairs to get ready for work. I rolled my eyes.

"Edward." I said tossing a pillow at his head.

He snorted awake and sat up. He reeked of whiskey. Fuck. I really had no choice but to send him away.

He needed it- the time away. A new outlook on what life meant to him. On who he wanted to be in that life. I understood the need. I was far worse off when I finally sought out Erebos' help.

"What?" He shook his head and ran his hand through that hair that refused to be tamed.

"I want you to pack. Whatever you think you might need for an extended stay in Italy."

"Italy?" He said turning his blood shot eyes on me.

I nodded. "Italy."

"What the hell is in Italy Carlisle?"

"Hope."


	28. All that's left of you pt 1

**Bookends By: Bella's Executioner.**

**Rating: M- this means if you're under 16 you are agreeing to break your own ToS by reading this and I'm not your mother so be responsible for yourself.**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is the sole owner of the world of Twilight. She is Bella's creator. I am Bella's Executioner.**

**A/N: Bookends is the very first fanfiction I started writing. It's been on this site, moved and come back. It has errors, fuck ups and lots of proofs that I'm human but it also has all of my heart and soul in it. I welcome you into this world of pain and love and hope that you enjoy. I also welcome your thoughts as you read—pm me or review and I'll be happy to discuss the story with you.**

**Chapter 28: All that's left of you pt. 1**

**-**-Bookends-**-**

"Without you, the hand gropes. The ear hears. The pulse beats. Without you, the eyes gaze. The legs walk. The lungs breathe. The mind churns. The heart yearns. The tears dry without you. Life goes on but I'm gone 'cause I die, without you."

(Without you, Rent, Jonathan Larson)

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**Esme POV (The day Edward leaves for Italy)**

Alice stood in front of the door. Her hands were clasped in front of her and her eyes were anywhere but on me.

"I refuse to allow this any longer Alice," I said calmly. I might be retiring next month but I _was_ a female sheriff. I wasn't afraid of a fight.

"She just needs some space, Esme."

I bristled at the fact that anyone had the nerve to tell me what my own child needed. "Bullshit."

Alice's eyes bugged. I rolled mine.

"She is _my_ daughter."

"I know that, Esme. She knows that..."

"She has had two years of space, I am now invading it." Alice was clearly shocked at my threat. There was a sad almost guilt to her blue eyes—eyes that reminded me of the truest understanding and compassion that I saw in her father's identical eyes just this morning when I resolved to come here. "Today is her birthday."

Alice nodded- she was resigning to the inevitable.

"I refuse to allow her to continue to destroy herself," I added sharply. It was time I treated them like the adults they all so desperately claimed they wanted to be. I wasn't going to sidestep the realities of their actions any longer.

The guilt was replaced with a flare of anger. Alice was upset at my challenge. "We would _never_ let her..."

"This isn't a matter of what any of _YOU_ would do!" My cheeks suddenly flamed with frustration. "This is a matter of _I_ gave birth to that child eighteen years ago and now _I_ am going to make certain she respects that gift!"

Alice stepped away from the door in defeat. She was still irate but she knew it would only make matters worse to continue to argue with me.

I was a damn stubborn mule when I needed to be.

"Thank you," I spat curtly and opened the door. I felt bad about yelling at her but I was fed up with just accepting everyone else's word about Bella.

My daughter had treated me like the plague for the last three years. It wasn't for lack of trying on my end. I reached out but she kept shoving me away. The last year she lived at home, my daughter was a zombie. I knew I was responsible for her depression—for the way she withdrew into her own world after I made him leave town. I didn't know how to fix what I had broken with our relationship after that.

My peace offering had been giving Edward back to her.

It only got worse from there.

After she moved to New York, I spent more time speaking to her voicemail than to her. Eventually I started leaving messages that threatened spontaneous visits to see her. Then one day I called her phone and someone else's voice answered on the voicemail. I redialed the number ten times. Each time I called it was like Bella was standing there hitting me over the head with a hammer.

She had gotten a new phone service.

I never got the new number.

The week I finally decided to make good on my threat and just go to New York to see her, since I realized I would never get an invitation, Alice was standing in front of the door just like she was today- guilty and without answers.

She was all alone because Jazz was staying with a professor of his or something. Doing some internship study on a case of anger management and they couldn't be disturbed. All I knew was Alice told me Edward and Bella left the week before.

Left.

Gone.

No forwarding address. No phone number.

My heart broke into a million pieces.

I was so lost when I got back to Forks. At first I was pissed. I couldn't believe she would do something so _selfish_... so... _mean_. I wanted to punch something the entire plane ride home. Carlisle started to give me grief about taking a commercial flight and not waiting for a time when he could fly us, and I snapped at him. I made him sleep on the couch for a week. I refused to talk to anyone without biting his or her head off. I was heartbroken.

What had I done that had been so horrible that my own child hated me enough to never see me again?

It was unnerving... no it was terrifying. My child was missing. She was purposely removing me from her life. I had Billy Black ask some P.I. that he knew to look into finding her for me. Technically I could have issued a warrant. She was under eighteen. But she had exited high school early and I knew Bella. She would have fought me. She would have tried to file for emancipation.

_That would have killed me, Bella looking to legally no longer be my child_.

The biggest factor as to why I never pushed the issue was that I was living with Carlisle. Who the hell was I to say that a kid with the right kind of determination and intelligence couldn't fend for themselves even at such a young age? He did.

Mother's intuition wouldn't let me rest though. There was a look in her eyes when she left me three years ago. One that had only intensified when I finally saw her in person at our wedding and then consumed her the other night when we hosted the party at our old house.

I snapped that night myself. I had allowed this destruction to go on for far too long.

Carlisle had proposed marriage to me three years ago. I talked him into a civil service the weekend after the kids moved out. We didn't need any big to do. Hell, we didn't really need anyone else to officially know. In fact I preferred that my kids not have to deal with it. They had enough to deal with when it came to Charlie. I didn't want Carlisle or the kids to be put in an awkward position. I just needed to officially be his, and have him be mine. We felt like _we_ needed it. Felt that it was what we should have done a long time ago.

I didn't want to make some big show of our joining, but when Bella refused to allow me access to her life. I figured it was the perfect opportunity to pull her out of hiding. I knew if nothing else Edward would never disrespect Carlisle enough to not show up. I was banking on the hope that my daughter would simply have to follow him.

I was such a horrible mother. Manipulating situations to trick my daughter into visiting me.

I walked slowly as I entered the guest room. Bella had decided to turn to Alice and Jazz for help. It was understandable. They were her friends- her brother and sister. They were closer to her age. And they would not judge her.

I sighed.

I couldn't understand why she didn't feel she could trust Emmett and me with supporting her... I must be the worst parent on the face of the earth.

I supposed on one hand I was. I had believed that my kids were always good kids and that I could lean on them to take more responsibility for their own lives while I tried to make ends meet.

I never set out to be a single mother. The second that I became one I refused to use that as a crutch or defense for my mistakes. But I had chosen a path and responsibility as a sheriff and that job required a lot of me. In turn, I required a lot out of my kids. They were never allowed to just be kids.

For Em it was a bonus, he enjoyed the responsibility. He loved looking after our family like he was the father. But then there was a space open for Em to fill. Charlie hardly wanted anything to do with the kids. They were my kids and he just sent me the check to support them. Em could take his father's place since his father clearly never wanted it.

But Bella... Bella was always just _misplaced_. She was the youngest. She was always shielded and babied. And she hated it.

She wanted to take care of us, but Em was the protector. Bella wanted to be the heart of the family, but I was the mother. I would never admit it to Carlisle but the only reason I let her start hanging out with Edward when he first moved in next door was because I saw my daughter finally find a place where she fit. She could protect Edward from all of our negativity. And she could care for him like the mother he never had. She could also find her place as a young woman and a partner.

It was wrong, I knew that now, but I relied on Edward to give Bella purpose.

I should have started with helping her find that purpose inside herself first. I should have started with not relying on her to figure it all out on her own. I should have just… been there.

My heart never ached for my baby girl more than it did the other day—seeing her barely holding on. She was putting all of her hopes of happiness on the too young shoulders of poor Edward, just like I had.

Edward.

Bella was still fast asleep when I came up to the side of the bed. She would probably be angry to know that I supported Edward right now almost more than I did her.

I was no idiot. I knew Bella had been hiding something from me for years—years before she left town. I knew that Edward was really a good kid deep down. Once I came to terms with that night, the night she almost died, I actually respected the fact that Edward would protect her so naturally and with such ferocity. I trusted him from that moment on. Trusted that he wanted the same things I did for my daughter. And I knew that he related to her in a way that none of the rest of us could. Though the girl that came back to me now was broken, I didn't blame Edward for the damage.

Carlisle told me yesterday that he decided to take Edward to Italy. I had agreed with his choice, Erebos was a good friend and mentor to my husband. I remembered how lost Carlisle was after Mary left. Erebos brought him around to being the man I was in love with today.

Though Carlisle would have to explain that wedding present he left for us... an orange tree seemed like such an odd choice.

I went to the airport with Carlisle and my stepson. I kissed Edward's cheek and told him he had a home when he was ready to come back to it. The look on his face was priceless…and heartbreaking.

It was some mixture of distrust and respect but there was also some crazy reverence like the one that was in Jazz's eyes the night he walked in on Carlisle and I in bed. Carlisle told me it had everything to do with my chest. I agreed, though I preferred to believe it was the heart inside my chest that we were talking about. He assured me it was my breasts.

_Men_. I rolled my eyes. _Cullen men_.

I smirked as I sat in the rocking chair beside her bed. I recognized it as the one from Bella's old room. She sent Alice over to retrieve it from Em's house shortly after she came to town two weeks ago. She must have known she would break up with Edward this weekend.

I shook my head and tried to erase the image of Edward's sad eyes when I told him goodbye. How blind we all had been.

I knew that Bella was in trouble. But I had hoped it was something that would pass in time. I clenched my fists and sighed. I wouldn't allow her to blow me off this time.

I brought the cuffs.

She was going to talk to me. And after that... she was going to start living again.

Her face scrunched in sleep. A whimper passed between her lips. She was still such a baby in my eyes. She always would be.

My baby.

I leaned forward and kissed her forehead. She sighed and relaxed deeper into her dream.

"Happy Birthday, baby," I whispered.

I promised myself, this would not be her last.

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**EPOV (Italy same time)**

I glared at the map. Yes, there was a driver and car waiting to pick me up when I got off the jet. Yes, Carlisle had warned me about all of Erebos' quirks and his lifestyle. And yes, I knew I was heading to place with no name.

But honestly! "It doesn't even exist on a map?"

"No," the driver said. Demetri, the driver's name was Demetri.

I nodded and sighed back into the seat. I had another two hours before we would end up... nowhere.

I watched the scenery fly by the window. Was I supposed to be impressed by it? I wasn't.

That's not true. I probably would have made Demetri stop so I could sketch it. There were, first, fields of luscious green that swayed in the warm afternoon breeze. And then, as we got closer to point of no return, there were cliffs and waves and clouds.

I reclined my head back. I didn't notice any of the sights that passed the window.

I only saw her.

The green was the emerald of her eyes. The brown of the trees were the waves of her hair.

The clouds were her troubled soul.

Guilt was a funny thing. I had felt some form of it all of my life. I had felt guilty for living since my existence pissed Ed off so much. I felt responsible for not being strong enough to protect Tanya. Accountable when I fell behind in taking care of Jazz. I felt shameful that Carlisle had to bail us out so much. I swore to myself when I was eight years old that I would find a way to support Jazz and me and I promised it was the last time my uncle would ever have to do that again. The guilt increased that night when Tanya proved me wrong.

There was hardly a memory I had of Isabella Swan now that wasn't drenched in remorse- saturated in my personal self-loathing. I was never worthy enough to be with her.

I could almost feel Alice slapping me right now. Wallowing in self-pity was sort of the only thing I was good at anymore. There was no escape from it these days. Not after the other night.

I could still taste that bitch's strawberry flavored lip-gloss. It turned my stomach. I would rather have kissed Bella's strawberry scented hair.

But the guilt I felt now as I ran away from the world that I have called home for a handful of years was hard to understand. Right now, I felt bad that I was glad to be gone.

"Fuck," I groaned—squeezing my eyes shut and praying that the car exploded. I felt the same pang in my stomach that I did the day my father died. I felt relieved to no longer have to be there.

I couldn't smile the way I did when Ed was buried, but I could breathe easier. I didn't have to worry about seeing her and breaking her a little more than I had the day before. I didn't have to clutch my arms around my chest when all I wanted to do was close the short distance between us and hug her. She no longer had to pretend that it wasn't killing her to let me touch her.

I bit down on the inside of my cheek hard enough to draw blood. I was fighting back tears that I didn't need anyone around here to see. And yet, I was... happy to see her angry with me.

For the first time in years, Bella was experiencing an emotion. No, it wasn't the one I had hoped for. No, I didn't like that she would probably hate me forever now. But her skin was flush with fury and her eyes sparkled with rage. She was more beautiful in her hatred of me than she had ever been since I returned from Tanya's.

I wanted to fall on my knees and worship her for the goddess she was in that moment. I was such a fucking pussy these days. I settled for standing back and letting her leave me. I didn't want to fight her. That might push her to revert—and the strong, enraged Bella was breathtaking. I couldn't wish her away.

"Here we are," Demetri said with a subtle accent. I slid on my shades and jumped out before he could open my door. I wasn't some prissy bitch who needed some guy to open his door for him.

I did, however, let him get my bags. Fuck that shit.

Once I was out of the car I realized we were not at a house... we were at a castle.

"Where are we?"

Demetri laughed at my dumbstruck face. "This is Lord Erebos' keep. It has belonged to the VonTuri family for five centuries."

He went in to a history of the family and the estate.

I stood with my mouth hanging open like a goddamn dumb ass. "Who the fuck is this guy?" I whispered.

"Your last hope, my boy."

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**Esme POV**

"Get up."

Bella stirred slightly but grumbled and rolled away from me.

"Get up, Bella," I repeated in a commanding, but gentle tone.

When she failed to move again I walked to the bathroom. I turned the faucet on and let the water run until it was freezing cold. I filled up the cup sitting next to her toothbrush.

I gave her one more chance. "Now Isabella, get up."

Her body remained motionless. I walked to her side of the bed, braced myself for her reaction, and dumped the contents of the cup on to her head.

She screamed. She thrashed. I turned her over and locked her arms behind her like a perp.

"We're going on a little trip."

"MOM!" She tried to turn her head to look at me but the hold I had her in limited her movements. I leaned around her shoulder to look her in the eyes. I kept a firm grip on her body and made my determination clear in my voice and eye contact.

"You are going to get dressed and follow me."

"What in the hell..."

"Isabella, you are going to get dressed and follow me."

She made a snarling noise in her chest and struggled against my restraints. _I'm sorry baby. I don't know how else to do this. But this has to be done_.

"What are doing? This... It's my BIRTHDAY for Christ's sake!"

"I know... and that is why you are getting up and following me. Say yes, Bella."

"Mom..."

"Say yes... Bella," I tightened my grip on her wrists, not to hurt her but to emphasize my point.

Her mouth popped open like she was in pain. She gasped subtly and I didn't miss the tear that ran down her cheek. I blinked back mirrored moisture in my eyes. This was the only kind of mother I knew how to be- I had to be it for her right now.

"Okay," she whispered.

I eased off of her and she shoved past me for her clothes. "I need a shower," she said looking down at the floor. Her chin was shaking. For some reason the sight of my daughter's submissive stance didn't break my heart so much as solidify my resolve.

"No," I commanded. "Get dressed."

She shot me an indignant look. I resisted the urge to cuff her. "You don't need a shower for where we're going."

She blinked rapidly. "Can I at least pee?" I nodded. She walked into the bathroom and I was two steps behind her.

"What the fuck..."

"I watch."

Her cheeks were flushed with humiliation and I could tell she was getting over her shock and hurt and heading into anger. Good. That meant I might just be able to get through to her.

She threw her clothes on the floor and sneered at me. Our eyes staid locked as she proceeded to disrobe in a more heated fury. I just kept my face and eyes free of expression and emotion.

Once she was finally naked she headed into the bathroom and glared at me while she used the toilet. I planted my feet and glared right back.

I was trained to deal with people who did a hell of a lot worse with far more of an audience. I knew I could never be the kind of mom who sat down with Bella and just had a heart to heart talk. I was good at interrogation. I was accomplished in dealing with people who had given up on living productive lives. I knew the signs. I knew how she needed to be dealt with.

I doubted entirely that Bella would open up to me and admit why she had fallen so far into this depression and total disregard for life. And I came up with a solution to help both of us openly communicate without me ever having to know the specifics of what was killing her.

I wanted to know. I had to know what was destroying my baby girl- I had to be able to fight it for her, with her. But if all I was promised was that after today Bella balled up her fists and started fighting against whatever it was, I would be happy.

"You wanna frisk me too, Chief Swan?" Her voice told me a lot of things. It said she was irritated. It warned that she was ready and willing to lash out, maybe even try to hurt something if she wasn't tempered. But most of all I could hear the confirmation that my daughter no longer thought of me as her mother_. Chief Swan_.

I pushed the pain down. My goddamn name was Chief Swan. If she wanted to call me it, then she was by God going to deal with the sheriff.

"You're giving me just cause," I threatened. She seethed and started putting on her clothes in silence.

I wanted so many things in that moment. I wanted to throw my arms around her and just wish her happy birthday. I wanted to tell her I was sorry and take an easier approach with today.

But the person getting dressed in front of me was not my daughter. I held on to the belief that she was trapped inside of this person. The only way to get her out was to stick to my guns.

"Follow me," I turned to leave the room. Alice was nowhere in sight when we hit the studio room on the way out.

Good. I always thought that girl had a way with knowing things. Clearly she knew better than to interfere with my plans with Bella today.

The ride in the truck was silent. Well... as silent as it could be in a beat up clunker of a truck like the Chevy.

"I remember the day my dad bought this old thing," I randomly admitted to the open air in the cab. I didn't really care if she was listening. I just let my mind wander back to that day. Words spilled from my mouth as the images danced inside my mind.

"He was so excited. It was a piece of crap back then." I laughed. "But it was the first truck he could buy with his own money. And that meant something." I remembered the look of pride in his eyes when he displayed the rusted pick up to Mom and me. Told Bella how her grandmother tried so hard to cover her disapproval. We didn't have a lot of money back then. And this truck didn't look like it would run longer than a month or two.

But there was Dad, so damn proud. And Mom just smiled and told him how proud she was of him. I remembered that the look in his eyes was cast on me some years later when I had my badge pinned to my chest.

"Yah," Bella's contempt pulled me from my memories. "I guess we're all good at lying to each other in this family."

I clenched my jaw, my eyes narrowing on the dusky morning road. "Your grandmother might have thought it was a stupid investment, Bella, but he proved us all wrong. This thing has run like a dream ever since the day he bought it. Never needed to be repaired. Never broke down. Never—"

"It's just a stupid truck, Mom."

I took a deep breath. She needed to make up her mind. Was I Chief Swan, or was I Mom? Right now I couldn't be both. And Mom was starting to doubt what the Chief had planned next. I blinked back what I hoped were the last of my tears until this was over.

"I'm not giving up on it, Isabella. It means a lot to me. It might be damaged and look like hell is about to swallow it whole, but I know what its like underneath all of that."

She snorted and continued to look out the passenger window.

I thought of Carlisle. He had placed his hands on either side of my face this morning, kissed my eyelids, my nose and my lips. And promised me that I was the strongest person he knew. I was doing the right thing.

I found support in that.

"You know, your grandfather never got to meet you kids. He would have loved you." I hit the blinker and alerted the world to my intended destination.

"The cemetery," Bella whispered.

I didn't speak. I just remembered the night my Dad passed. I was pregnant with Em at the time, and Charlie was back east on business. My mom sat with me all night, she was stronger than I was. I knew she was in pain but she could pull herself together and stand up... I couldn't. She said it was the hormones—my emotions were too raw for me not to act that way at the time. But now that I was a mom, I understood.

You find it. That kind of strength that makes people stand in awe of what you have done. That kind of unequivocal truth that shreds all doubt from your mind. When your child is in pain, you tap into a place inside yourself that goes beyond your own pain.

I drove around the grounds. The family plot was in the back. I choked back the tears that always came with remembering that night. I never got to say goodbye, the stroke hit him quickly and it was an hour drive to Forks from Port Angeles. He was gone before I entered the hospital.

I parked ten feet from the stone white bench with the name 'McCarty' etched into the side of it.

I searched the silent air in front of me, never moving from my spot in the cab—never intending to get out, or to allow Bella to leave. I just sat. I stared at the dash- the clock was still broken. It had been stuck on the time 4:15 a.m. since the day it came into our possession. None of us ever thought to fix it.

I took a deep, unsteady breath. "Just promise me one thing, Bella," I whispered without looking at her. "Promise me that I..." my voice cracked. "That I won't ever had to come visit _you_ here."

I'm not sure what I was expecting- a gasp of fear, or maybe even an ironic laugh of sarcasm. The slamming truck door followed by a deafening rush of no sound made my heart stop beating.

I jumped out of the truck- Bella made a beeline for the tree at the edge of the graves. I ignored the jolt in my chest at the thought of the reality of what I had asked her.

I didn't know what to do. I hadn't expected we'd go for a walk.

"Bella?" Where did I begin? She dropped to her knees, her back to me, when she reached the tree. My mind froze for a second.

Then the sound of her quiet tears reached my ears.

I sat behind her, tears now flowing down my cheeks. "It's okay," I promised. I wound my arms around her shoulders from behind. She drew in a shaky breath, her head automatically shaking as if to plead me not to ask her what was wrong.

"You don't have to tell me anything, baby," I whispered. I brushed her hair aside and rested my forehead on her shaking shoulders. "It's okay... It's—"

"I..." My heart leapt at the sound of her voice.

"I promise," she breathed.

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**EPOV (two months later)**

I stood outside his door. I could hear her moaning from all the way out in the hall.

I raised an eyebrow. Had living here desensitize me to this- to even the thought of sex. I wondered what purpose there was in that. Carlisle was dead set on the fact that he sent me to a _teacher_- I had stupidly assumed he meant someone who could help me with my art. Erebos was an accomplished painter and musician after all.

I was slowly starting to realize he fucking meant a life-coach. I scowled at the door. If therapy was the road I was on now, it would be nice to have someone to sit and talk to. Erebos was the fucking Master Yoda of therapists... no more like Mr. Miyagi.

His methods were all riddles and haiku, never just good old fucking talking.

"Come in Edward," his rich voice said calmly from inside the room. I could tell from the other sounds drifting through the door that he was not finished with the woman in his room.

I swallowed. Hard. What the hell was this guy's game?

"Edward," he repeated calmly.

I took a deep breath and rolled my eyes. Just a naked body. Just a naked body.

True to form, when I walked into the room he had her sprawled out on the chaise. He stood with his back to us both as he captured her front on canvas. It was obvious that he had not been touching her. I chanced a glance her direction. Her eyes were closed and a look of intense concentration was on her face. Great. He was mind fucking her too.

The room was decorated in furniture from forgotten years and the sun was setting with a pink glow that flowed from the veranda. It made me feel like I was trapped in some fucking period movie instead of really standing here.

"What troubles you now, my boy?"

I glared at his back. He knew what fucking troubled me. He was the only one with the key to that room.

"You've locked the spare room," I grumbled. Spare... what a joke. There was a handful of staff that lived on the grounds, Erebos, and his harem of girl friends that equaled about five, and me. There were more than a twenty spare rooms here.

But there was only one room that he had called my spare room when I moved in. In it he put the baby grand piano that I practiced on, all of my art supplies, and all of the liquor in the house.

I knew eventually that room would serve some other purpose than storage. Welcome to step one motherfucker, he just locked up all of your vices... well not all of them. I still had a picture of her in my pocket.

"I will let you have one thing from the room, Edward," he spoke without turning from his work. He also painted a perfect picture without turning around to glance at his subject.

I closed my mouth. What to choose? I would miss the piano. Music had become an escape for me from the moment I returned to Tanya's house four years ago. But music would remind me of Bella. A jolt of pain shot through my chest at the thought of her name.

No music. No piano.

My sketch pad and pencils... what the fuck did I have to sketch that wouldn't be some part of her? The idea of sketching the body, the lips and the eyes of the one thing I could never see, touch, or possess again was pure torture.

No... I couldn't sketch. I couldn't hear her through my music. Both would push me toward the only vice that had offered me solace... relief from the pain.

"Booze," I said flatly.

The brush upon canvas stopped mid-stroke. I watched, as his shoulders rose and fell with what I could only assume was a sigh of disappointment.

"Very well." he put the brush down. He didn't turn around to look at me. He just planted his feet and gazed out the open double doors, at the fading sunlight. I was starting to feel almost as exposed at the poor woman on the chair between us. Why the fuck was that about?

Was it so wrong for me to want what I wanted? Fuck him. What right did he have to make me doubt myself? I wasn't a toddler- I could leave whenever I wanted.

"The alcohol will be in your room tonight."

I mumbled a 'thanks' and turned to leave.

"Oh, Edward," he called. I played his game and didn't turn to see him. I just stopped to listen.

"It comes with a price."

**-**-Bookends-**-**

Felix finished wheeling the fifth crate into my room later that night. I glared at it... all of it. I was gonna punch Carlisle straight in the mother fucking face when I saw him next. Stranded on a fucking island with a lunatic.

Great.

"Thank you, Felix." Erebos ran his hand over Felix's cheek and down to his shoulder as he spoke. Felix was a good foot taller than Erebos, and quite possibly the most ripped guy I'd ever seen, next to Emmett Swan that is, but Erebos towered over him with that one movement.

I rolled my eyes. The price damn well better not be my ass. Erebos might get in the pants of everyone else around here but he won't get in mine.

He laughed out loud when he took in my expression. "You are certainly related to your uncle, my boy."

I swallowed over a hard lump in my throat at that thought. I had failed my uncle the most over the past couple of years. He trusted me to not fuck things up. But here I was.

Royal fuck up, Edward Cullen. Shit. I didn't even deserve to call myself Cullen anymore. I was acting like a Masen the older I got.

"What's this cost you want from me?" I hoped direct and to the point from me would garner a mirrored reply from him.

"I won't be fucking you, Edward." Score one for me. Finally, I statement I fucking understood.

"My lifestyle is just that- mine. It simply allows me to know myself on a level that offers me greater... let us say, serenity."

Damn. Right back where we started.

"So... Carlisle sent me here, because you're such a great example at how to live my life?"

"No. That implies that the way I live my life is ultimately right. It is for me- not you. He sent you here because I can help you find the best way to live the life that is right for you."

"Why do I think you're gonna tell me to wax on and wax off next?" I uttered in uneasy trepidation.

He laughed again. "You are smarter than your looks would imply."

I had to laugh at that. "Pretty boys are dumb."

"I never said you looked pretty." He smirked and I just rolled my eyes. Bella thought I was pretty.

The small amount of joy that was on my face, and in my thoughts, plummeted the second I thought her name. Pain. Raw. Agonizing pain.

"You bring the crowbar?" I was fucking tired of waiting. Let him ask his price, I needed what was in these crates if I was going to keep breathing.

"Yes." He tore open the first box nearest to us. I had hoped for something strong, possibly even something local. Wine would be a bitch to drink but I would if that was all he had. In the spare room he had kept a decanter always filled with Limoncello.

He pulled out the bottle of Jack and I nearly shit myself.

I couldn't do it. I had only turned to that crap back when I was living with her because it was there... and then it was...just habit. But now... it was the smell of Ed Masen and the flavor of my mother's abuse. And every drop would taste like the look in Bella's eyes when she left me.

"This is the only... how did you call it... _booze_ that you will be permitted to drink. All other liquor has been removed from the grounds. I have no need for it at the moment, your needs are greater than mine."

I tried to hide the disgust on my face. I'd rather drink out of the toilet than force down any more Jack.

"Also..." There was more? Fuck me. "Since you did not seem to want the other articles in the spare room, they have been...disposed of."

I glared at him. "What the hell do you mean by disposed?"

He offered a smile of apathy. "The piano has been sold and relocated to a home that cherishes and appreciates the gift of music. And you will not find any instruments in the house with which you may sketch."

"You... what the fuck? You mean there isn't a piece of paper..."

"Or a single pen or pencil... at your disposal. If you need something written down Felix and Demetri will be more than happy to help assist you. I'm afraid you gave up your opportunity for that outlet when you chose... the booze."

He wasn't going to do this to me. Fucking Ed Masen tossed my a down a flight of stairs when I was five years old. I got right back up and balled my fists. Taking away pencils and paper was not going to prove anything to me.

"Now, the price," I froze. That wasn't it? What kind of fucking logic did this guy have? He smiled. "You are to drink every time you think _her_ name."

I could feel my body shaking. He hadn't spoken _her_ name, but he was talking about _her_. Admitting that he was doing all of this shit because this was some fucked up form of therapy.

"No thanks," I seethed.

I sat down on the couch beside the crates. He just stood there. Smirking.

I folded my arms across my chest. His eerie ass just kept staring at me. And my anger swirled around what he had said more than what he was doing. _Her_. Bella. I hissed at the instant agony that burned in my chest at the sound of _her_ name across my mind.

Unconsciously my eyes darted to the now open bottle in his hand. It was tempting. Fuck me. It was like fucking crack to a junkie.

"Don't deny that at this moment in your life you need this, Edward." His voice was almost as soothing as I knew the burn from the elixir in his hand would be.

_Just a swig_...

"It is not a shame to want peace."

I licked my lips in one slow movement of tongue...

"The pain inside of you is blocking out any other desire or need."

My throat was suddenly so dry I felt my breaths sticking to the lining of my mouth.

"But you can't drink a single drop unless you think of _her_. And you must drink whenever you think of _her_."

I still didn't understand that part. But the old man had his reasons... and just the hint of thinking of Bella made my chest squeeze and the need for the dink in his grasp drive me fucking insane.

I jumped from the couch and grabbed the bottle. I threw my head back and pulled up every last memory I had of _her_.

By the fourth time I raised the bottle to my lips I understood what he was doing to me.

It was a double-edged knife I was standing on. I needed the alcohol because I was in so much pain from missing Bella. The only way I could drink was to think of Bella.

And the more I thought of Bella, the more I needed to drink.

Suddenly the crates of whiskey in my room didn't seem like enough booze.

"And Edward," Erebos said as he opened the door to leave. I could already feel my body reacting to the burning liquid. "Please be sure to do just one other thing for me... don't kill yourself all in one night."

Fuck.


	29. All that's left of you pt 2

**Bookends By: Bella's Executioner.**

**Rating: M- this means if you're under 16 you are agreeing to break your own ToS by reading this and I'm not your mother so be responsible for yourself.**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is the sole owner of the world of Twilight. She is Bella's creator. I am Bella's Executioner.**

**A/N: Bookends is the very first fanfiction I started writing. It's been on this site, moved and come back. It has errors, fuck ups and lots of proofs that I'm human but it also has all of my heart and soul in it. I welcome you into this world of pain and love and hope that you enjoy. I also welcome your thoughts as you read—pm me or review and I'll be happy to discuss the story with you.**

**Chapter 29: All that's left of you pt 2**

**-**-Bookends-**-**

Come to me now

And lay your hands over me

Even if it's a lie

Say it will be alright  
And I shall believe  
I'm broken in two  
And I know you're on to me  
That I only come home  
When I'm so all alone  
But I do believe

That not everything is gonna be the way  
You think it ought to be  
It seems like every time I try to make it right  
It all comes down on me  
Please say honestly you won't give up on me  
And I shall believe  
And I shall believe

(I shall believe, Sheryl Crow)

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**BPOV (two months after Esme took her to the cemetery)**

I poured myself a cup of coffee from the metal dispenser at the back of the room. There were cookies laid out. I grimaced and passed.

I was planning my escape route.

Jazz had convinced me that group therapy was best. I kept up my journal writing. He thought I was "progressing" with that. Whatever the hell that meant. I let him read everything I wrote. I didn't have any secrets from Jazz. He knew my darkest secret, what was the use in hiding what I was thinking? I was shocked beyond all belief to hear him say he liked them. Liked? Liked my psychotic rambling mind? He just rolled his eyes and I said he thought I should pursue getting something published. Thought it was a good outlet for me.

Positive creation, he called it.

I left my journal in my bag and glared at the scene in front of me. Group therapy—a bunch of strangers in a room staring at me and judging me. My mouth was suddenly dry.

I still wasn't ready to actually put voice to the… _event_. I was writing more and more about the time right after—the numb days of darkness when all I had was the warmth from Edward's body to hold me to this world. I had blocked those days out over the past three years. Somehow I had warped that bond I had with Edward, the lifeline that had kept me from slipping into the darkness, to be some sort of twisted cure for this illness I had. I was so such a depraved, pathetic soul sucking creature.

I closed my eyes and said my daily apology in my head. _Edward, I'm sorry. You deserved so much better. I hope now that you are free of me you are finding a happier life. I'll live in this purgatory forever if it means you have a chance to live and be happy. _

I heard a woman laughing by the entrance. Laughing? At a grief therapy meeting? That inner bitch was hissing at me. _The meeting hasn't started yet stupid._ I sighed. I had begged Jazz to not send me here. I didn't want to try to talk about this. But he said at these sessions I didn't have to. I just had to be here and see and hear how others were surviving their lives.

Miss Laughing at the door was making me inch closer to the exit.

Jazz's doctor, Alec, was the sponsor of the group—_Grief Guidance and Group Healing_. I rolled my eyes. Jazz hoped I would grow comfortable enough with Alec from this to trust him in a private setting and get down to fixing me.

I snorted sardonically as I pushed away from the snack table—resolved to the idea that I would at least have to tough out this first meeting. There were rows of orange metal chairs lined up in front of a small stage.

I silently wished crap like this wasn't so clichéd. I scoped out a spot in the back—away from what I hoped was the area the main crowd would sit in. I fidgeted in my seat waiting for more people to arrive. Jazz had warned me a week ago that he couldn't make this meeting. He swore he would come with me to all of the others. There was some nearly gone part of me that had to smile at the memory.

I had forgotten how much Jazz cared about people. How much I had relied on that kindness in the past. Edward would call it some fucked up logic, but I kind of felt more like my old self when I saw his desperate face promising that he'd be there for me. It had been so long since I'd been around any sincere emotions like that.

_Edward and I just lied to each other_.

I could hear people talking around me and some started filling seats in sporadic places. I was getting that panic thump in my chest. I wasn't looking forward to the introduction part. They did that at these things, right? I rehearsed a quick, "Hi my name is, Bella, and I've been depressed all of my life". I silently groaned.

I never liked public speaking. I knew the second they started having people talk I would freak out until it was my turn.

"Bella?" I had just taken a sip of the coffee when the last fucking voice I had ever expected to hear hit my ears.

I actually choked on my coffee as I met Mike's eyes. _Shit_.

"What are you doing here?" My worry made the question sound more like a threat than I had meant for it to be. With someone I knew as well as Mike sitting in this room anonymity was lost. I was wearing a fucking scarlet letter on my chest and my heart went straight to sudden death.

He smiled and sat down next to me without invitation. "I've been coming here for two years." I blinked at him in surprise. His smile grew. Same old Mike, he still looked exactly like that little twerp I met in pre-K.

"You know that my family runs the outfitters in town?" I nodded. "Well, I get to know a lot of the people who come through here for hiking. I've become friends with a few of them…." He stopped for a second and took a deep breath—looking off towards the stage.

"A bear attacked a good buddy of mine a few years ago. He... died... in the woods... all alone."

"I'm so sorry, Mike."

He blinked back tears. Obviously this was something that hit him hard. I wondered at the fact that I had known Mike my whole life, and I never knew he had lost a good friend like that. Where the hell had I been these past few years?

_Edward's face the day I left him flashed before my eyes_. Right.

"The thing is... I was supposed to go with him. I stayed home instead..." his face scrunched with a self-loathing that was all too familiar to me. I shifted in my seat uneasily. "I never really liked hiking, but I told him I knew these woods better than anyone. It was a lie, I got... lost. Turned back early and figured he'd just push on without me." Mike turned his face away from me and fought back more tears.

I brought the cup to my lips once more. Not so much for the drink but to hide my apprehension with how easily Mike could spill his guts. I knew a big part of it was that he was talking to me. He trusted me. We had history. Knowing someone since before you could walk replaced fear with familiarity. But I wondered how long he'd been coming here before he was willing to share something so... private.

Would I ever be able to tell him why I was sitting here? Could I ever tell anyone? Explain myself to my family?

To Edward?

"Where's Jazz?" Mike asked after a short period of silent wall staring. I shrugged, hoping to look nonchalant but secretly wanting to wring Jazz's neck. He purposely chose this meeting. He purposely didn't come to my first visit. He wanted me to engage myself with Mike and everyone else.

_Familiarity_. "Thanks Jazz," I cursed under my breath.

"Okay," a young man called from the foot of the stage. He looked like he was younger than me. "I'd like for us to get started."

"You're gonna like Alec," Mike explained without me indicating interest on the subject. "He's... young." I laughed along with Mike's sheepish grin. "But he knows how to help people."

I didn't believe this Alec would be the Dalai Lama of grief counseling but I trusted Jazz.

The next hour I sat back and watched. I was never singled out. Nor was I stared at or questioned. Everyone around me was trapped in his or her own grief, even Mike. I felt like I was waking up from some kind of coma while I watched them. Did I look that… _lost_ all of the time?

_You probably look worse. Your own mother threatened to handcuff you._

Once or twice I noticed Alec watching me. He'd smile and then he'd move his eyes to the next patient seeking his support. It made me feel... violated in some way to be seen here by him. Like he knew something about me I hadn't approved of being public.

He knew what I kept hidden under all of the layers of pain and detachment. He stripped it all away and left me feeling naked and defenseless.

No.

I started counting silently in my head- just like Jazz had taught me to do back in the first few months after the incident. I was in control. No one was asking anything from me right now. I didn't have to tell anyone why I was here. Hell, for all I knew Mike thought I was here because breaking up with Edward made me such a miserable wreck that I couldn't function properly anymore.

I took a sip of the now lukewarm coffee.

That was, actually, how I felt. It was hard to breathe without Edward. This dull ache that I sought help for in this room had been eased so much by the presence of his body next to mine. Even when it killed us to be near each other... I knew it would hurt more once he was gone. My chest constricted as I saw his wounded brown eyes in my mind again. I wondered idly if he'd thought of me half as much as I'd thought of him. He was in every breath my body drew in—shaky and uncertain of the ability of my heart to keep beating.

Daily apology number two ran through my mind. _Edward, I'm sorry I tortured you with this hunger inside of me. I hope that one day you can forgive me for draining the life out of you for my own survival. _

Alec made his announcements for the following weeks and everyone started to amble towards the door. I looked around sort of shocked. I'd survived. I didn't feel healed, but for a moment I had been distracted from feeling completely alone.

I picked up the small backpack that I used instead of a purse. I hated purses. The backpack was a more practical bag. Not pretty, but always practical.

Ten minutes later, I cursed practicality when I couldn't find my keys. They were forever being eaten by the contents of my bag. While I swirled my hand over and under and through everything I felt possessed to carry with me, I, again, missed the fact that Mike was standing next to me.

"You wanna get something to eat?"

I looked up from my frustrating search and met his baby blue eyes. They seemed simple, clear, almost devoid of emotion. But that was probably only due to the fact that the eyes I was used to looking into were nearly black with passion and sentiment so intense that they made my knees buckle. Mike's eyes didn't make me swoon, they just... put me at ease, I guess.

"Sure," I nodded and followed him out into the bright sunny day.

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**EPOV (2 years later, Italy)**

He laughed. He was taunting me with that sound. It had been a long damn time since I found anything funny. I rolled my eyes and eased back in the patio chair. The party was mostly dying down. I wouldn't be missed.

I lit my cigarette and tried to draw warmth from the smoke—shielding it from the occasional raindrop that found me. I did see humor in the fact that Erebos didn't find my smoking a vice. _"I'm not your mother"_ was his flat response when I asked him about it. I guess I didn't smoke for any particular reason. I just did it. Like breathing.

Everything else I did was... some sort of means to an end.

I took a sip of the drink I had been nursing all night. Still burned. Still turned my stomach.

But it was still necessary for my survival.

It was raining. So much fucking water was pouring down that it looked like the island was placed under a waterfall. And I was sitting outside on the middle veranda like I was sunbathing. The moment stirred some strong memories in me. Déjà vu that threatened to kill me.

_That_ night, the one in my memory, the pain had been eased by my first vice. My hands twitched at the thought. My mind saw swirls of greens and reds.

I took another sip. Burn. Hiss. Deadened pain.

I was surrounded once again by thoughts of _Bella_. Another sip. A lonely night on a fire escape. _Bella_. Sip. Countless nights in a tree house. _Bella_. Sip. The roof of a hotel while awaiting judgment. _Bella_. Sip. Dancing on the docks with _Bella_ laughing in my arms. I downed the remainder of the drink in one swig.

I heard a sigh behind me. Finally he stopped laughing.

"Edward." I put the glass down on the ground beside my foot. I took another long, slow drag of my smoke. And I let the cold from the rain coat me like a second skin. "Why do you do this to yourself?"

I smiled that damn bastard smirk that I picked up from my mother and shrugged. I was more interested in breathing in and out than I was of discussing any of this with him.

"Do you still... think about her?"

"Are you fucking kidding me, old man?"

He threw his head back and laughed. I scowled and went back to watching the rain cascading over the lake in the distance.

"No. I was just wondering... do you see her face and do you... think her name."

I gave up a long time ago trying to figure out his methods. I had to admit that those first few months that I was here were a blur. I spent most of them drunk off my ass thanks to guilt and torment that I felt over losing her. It was a weird feeling. Not like when I was drinking while living with her. Back then, I had felt like Ed Masen. I turned to the alcohol to help me be someone I wasn't. To help me hide because Edward Cullen hurt her... for whatever reason... but Ed Jr. she was okay with.

At least until the day she decided she wasn't okay with him anymore either.

I shook my head. Now I drank to remind myself of who I was, and who she was. I caught on quick enough. Erebos was making me drink myself out of the illusion. I had to find me and I could only find me if I forgot about _her_. When I didn't think of _her_ as... _Bella_… I hissed for the need to refill my drink. It was easier to breathe. I had to make _her_ just a _she _or a_ her_ and not... _Bella_.

The burn started up again. I'd be drinking into oblivion again tonight. Great.

"Are you ready to put the bottle down now, Edward?" I glared up at him. The rain was dripping in my eyes but I could see he wasn't joking.

"What do you mean?"

Erebos walked further out into the rain. I jumped to my feet to follow. The unfilled glass and my cigarette discarded behind me.

"What have you learned since the day I gave you the bottle Edward?"

I frowned as I watched the sweeping grounds of muddy green and brown before me. I thought back to two years ago. The person I was back then. Compared that motherfucker to the person I was now.

"To moderate." Control. It was the basic key to survival around here. Think, then act, and then think some more. I never realized before how much of my life I lived inside my head- alone with my thoughts. Erebos made damn sure that I continued to do that, but he also encouraged me to think out loud- join the world outside of me. I thought about that, saw the world in front of and around me.

I remembered that I wasn't Ed Masen but rather Edward Cullen.

"To... regain consciousness," I whispered.

He nodded. "Very good. And do you think you are ready to put down the bottle and wake up completely?"

I considered his words. There he goes making me dig deeper and think harder again. He wasn't content with just coming out and saying something. And there was always more than one meaning to what he did choose to say.

"I'm not over her," I whispered. My chest squeezed at the thought that I might ever reach a point when I would be. I didn't believe I could live in a world where I didn't love _Bella_. I hissed again.

Erebos turned to watch me, much like he had his property a minute ago. "You never will be Edward. Love is not something we feel in passing. It is a root in our heart. But such vines can grow too fast and swell to block other emotions from finding their place in our hearts. Love is a freedom and sadly you have confused it with a sentence. You can not undo the knot of love, but letting something control you… _that_ can be weeded out."

I nodded. Yes. I knew what he meant. I was forever destined to love that girl. But I needed to find a healthy way to go about it.

"Why did I make you drink away your pain? Did it work? Were you never in pain while you had the drink in your hand?"

That one was more than easy to explain.

"No."

I was always in pain—more so than just thinking about _her_. I had to reconcile the notion that I was turning into my father if I relied on the alcohol to get me through. I never wanted to drink another drop of my pain again.

"I'd rather just be in pain," I said plainly. It was the truth. It was a fact that I must have known back then, but after years of watching Bella fade away in front of me… that pain had become too heavy to bear without the drink.

"Good." He went back to watching the rain. Neither of us moved. It seemed like a dumb thing to do, sit out in the cold, wet rain and not move indoors to have this conversation. But I felt at home out here. Rain comforted me in a way no warmth could.

He was silent. That meant stew a while inside your head, Edward, and figure out what I'm telling you.

I put my hands in my pockets and scowled down at the stone landing. If I put the bottle down…that meant I was no longer looking to hide inside of it. I was becoming more the old me... but if I put it down, something else had to occupy my hands.

"So... what are you offering to replace the bottle with?"

He smiled but didn't look at me. And to think it only took two years of my life to figure that shit out. "What would you like?"

Erebos was literally loaded. His family was ancient and rich. Investments simply begat more money in his bank accounts. Whatever I wanted could be a hell of a lot of things.

Out of nowhere, and for the briefest of seconds, the darkest of his possessions passed through my head. That room at the end of the corridor on the third floor. I shook my head. I really had no desire to be a part of what went on in there... but for some reason...

"Edward?" He drew me from my thoughts. A memory flashed in my brain- _Her naked arm thrown over her eyes while she slept_. It was the first time since I got here that I didn't yearn for the drink... instead I wanted... my fingers twitched at my sides.

"I want to draw."

"Good."

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**(five months later)**

The music drifted through the east wing. It was haunting and beautiful. I followed the perfect pitch voice to his studio.

"You do this to ensure you're alone, don't you?" I mocked.

He chuckled and began pulling out his paints. "Irina loves singing for me, Edward." I glanced over at the young woman belting out the aria.

"You know, other people just buy CDs."

He laughed again.

"I know, I know. You're not _other people_."

"How are your studies with Signore Eleazar going?"

I shrugged. Lately I had tapped into a passion that I hadn't realized I'd missed so much. I had always thought of drawing as just an escape.

"Okay, I guess. He told me we weren't wasting time with fruit. Said that human subjects were more my thing."

Erebos smirked. "Yes, he does have quite a way of seeing straight through to a person's... _talents_."

I rubbed my hands together. I was planning on staying in my room all day to sketch and I needed my muscles warmed up.

"He told me he was your teacher as well." And he knew I wasn't talking about his skill of painting.

Erebos looked over at the woman singing, she didn't seem bothered at all that we weren't watching her performance. When her eyes met his she blushed, but kept singing.

"You're a vision my dearest," he purred. She stood taller at his words and didn't miss a beat.

"Is she..." I looked between the singer and the man. He raised an eyebrow in my direction.

"Yes," he confirmed. "Does it bother you?"

I considered what he was asking. On the surface he was asking did it bother me that one of his subs was singing in my presence. The answer was obviously, no. Regardless of what she did in private, she was a human being and I would treat her with that respect. But more to the point, he was asking me if his lifestyle bothered me. That one I didn't have an answer for.

"Eleazar?" I put my hands in my pockets and raised a brow in question.

He chuckled. "Oh yes, he was my mentor. My parents didn't approve. But then, I _was_ the only son after all."

I smirked to hide my shock. Erebos was actually telling me about his life... his past. He never opened up that way.

"I've known Eleazar for quite a long time. I was married to his daughter."

My eyes bugged but I didn't make a sound. I didn't want to stop him from sharing. His back was to me and I swallowed hard at the thought of Erebos being monogamous with one woman.

He laughed, breathless and with a hint of deep sadness. "Elizabeth," he whispered.

I couldn't resist. He stopped talking and I had to know more. "Was married?"

He sighed. His entire back grew heavy. "She didn't have a stomach for the institution. I can't blame her really." He turned and winked at me. "I don't either."

Against my better judgment I laughed.

"So…?"

He chuckled. "So… she introduced me to her father, the real side of him. And he trained me." He looked off into his past for a moment. "I suppose technically we are still married. But she is now a submissive to a good friend of mine. I still see her, play with her… at parties."

My mouth hung open in shock. What the fuck did he just say? Did he seriously just tell me that he loved a woman enough to marry her and then became a Dominant to please her? I snapped my mouth closed when I saw him turn around again.

He watched me carefully for a moment—studying me like the woman singing.

"Does it bother you?" He asked once more- this time I felt like squirming under his gaze. This time, he was asking me if I wanted to know about it.

"I'm good."

He laughed, a smile brightening his face. "No doubt. How like your uncle you are dear boy. Though I do worry about you, Edward, three years almost and not a woman in sight. Please at least promise me _you_..." Masturbate? He was fucking alluding to me jacking off.

I rolled my eyes. "Sure… of course… All the damn time," I lied. He chuckled like a laugh track on a sitcom, turning back to his painting. The truth was I hadn't even considered wanting to do it since I got here. Hell... I barely wanted to do it at all since that first day back in Forks with _her_.

It belonged to _her_. And _she_ didn't want it anymore. I didn't think my dick had a purpose other than pissing. Fuck. I rolled my eyes at my pathetic situation. Erebos would slap me upside my head if I said something like that out loud. It didn't really even bother me to think that I would never have sex again for the rest of my life.

Who the fuck was I kidding? It bothered me… but shit. I didn't find anything half as sexy as _her_. And _she_ was off limits indefinitely. Erebos offered to have me sit and watch him fucking in his playroom. I wasn't even remotely interested in it. There had to be something wrong with that right?

"Can you… live without..." I nodded toward Irina without meeting his eyes. If he got into this lifestyle because of his wife… maybe there was a chance that he could stop if he wanted to.

"No." His voice was quiet, all the humor gone. I looked up to find his back to me while he began moving his hands across the canvas. For some reason watching him in that moment pissed me off. My hands were fists and I suddenly ached to be in my room, drawing.

"What do you sketch, Edward—when you are alone?"

"Are you sure you're not a shrink instead of a billionaire Dom?" He laughed. I closed my eyes and thought about what I would be sketching shortly. I saw what I wanted to get out of my head. Saw the exact curve of _her_ eyebrow—the little pucker of skin as _her_ eye opened slowly to gaze up at me. The curl of _her_ lashes and the vibrancy of green that watched me.

"Her."

Ms. No name. Her name was a torture to me, and for months now I had survived without ever once thinking it. So _she_ was just a pronoun now. _Her_. _She_. That girl.

No longer _my_ girl.

My fingers twitched.

"Good."

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**(one week later)**

I read the text message before tossing the phone on my bed. Alice was on her way. I swallowed. Hard. Damn her for giving me no warning—course she knew if she warned me I would have fled town before she got here.

"Damn it."

I had had minimal contact with my family since I moved here almost three years ago. Alice emailed me on a regular basis. Jazz talked to me on the phone once a month. And Esme sent me care packages in the mail that included letters from her and Carlisle that I responded to like the dutiful son I never believed I was before.

I wouldn't say that I was alienated from my family but I just felt… detached from the world of Forks. I lived on an island for crying out loud.

I turned the water on full heat in the shower. I really had no desire to see her today. I stripped in anger, grumbling under my breath the entire time. She would bring up talk of _her_ and I really didn't want to talk about _her_.

I snarled under the spray and hissed as my flesh stung from the blazing water. I could burn it all away… become someone completely different… but I could never gut _her_ out of my system.

I dressed in a casual pair of black slacks and a button up charcoal grey shirt. I stood back from the mirror and I considered shaving. I looked past the day's worth of stubble on my chin and saw the man standing in the foggy bathroom.

It was strange. I didn't recognize him.

That just pissed me off. I threw down the razor and scratched at my chin. Fuck shaving. It was just Alice.

I came down stairs to the annoying high pitch of her laughter in the entryway. Erebos' chuckling accompanied her mirth. _Fuck_. I cursed the sound of their joy—it warned that I was in for something today. They were both vicious little cats when it came to "knowing" things about me.

"Fucking little pixie bitch," I mumbled under my breath.

Alice glared over her shoulder in my direction. Like she anticipated that I was cussing about her. I rolled my eyes.

"Edward, your sister is very charming." He kissed her hand and winked at me. I ignored him. It still caught me off guard sometimes when people refered to her as 'my sister'. It wasn't that I didn't think of Alice as family—she was. But the thought of my sister and my brother making out made my skin crawl.

"Alice." My voice was harsh, clipped. I shoved my hands in my pockets and focused on her hands rather than her face.

"Edward," she all but whispered. The air was thick. I heard Erebos mumble a goodbye of some sorts. I just clenched my jaw.

I didn't think it would be this hard to see someone… to have _her_ thrust so effortlessly back into my world. No. This was just Alice. She wouldn't bring up the past. Would she?

"Can we… have you… let's go for a walk?" Alice fumbled around with small talk, landing on an action.

I nodded, mute, and still unable to really look at her.

I took her down to the gardens, this place had amazing gardens.

I fumbled through small talk. "How are things? How's Jazz?"

I heard a sigh behind me. I didn't even realize she'd stopped walking. I didn't turn to look at her.

"She's okay, Edward… she's… She's okay."

I watched the wind play along the bushes of lilac colored roses. My body was stilled by her words. "How's Jazz?" I pressed.

"Okay," Alice's voice sounded resigned. I finally looked at her. All traces of let-me-force-you-to-talk-about-the-big-white-elephant were gone. "Well… that's one of the reasons why I'm here."

Her tiny face lit up and her eyes sparkled. I opened my mouth to ask her what was going on when she held up her left hand.

Holy crap! "Holy FUCK!"

Alice laughed. "Thanks Edward, it means a lot to me that you would shower me with such support." She punched my arm and I couldn't work past the stunned look I was locked in. I grabbed her hand. That was some mother fucking ring she was wearing—classy and elegant with one giant diamond in the center.

"When did he?"

"Last month, the anniversary of the first time we..." she wiggled her eyebrows and I cleared my throat. Worse than knowing your parents had sex was knowing your baby brother did too. And with your technically adopted little sister.

"Oh." I kept staring at the ring. So many emotions and thoughts were running through me. I had wanted, badly, to slip a ring on… _her_ finger. And here one sat on Alice's. And JAZZ! My kid brother makes this leap of proposing marriage and he doesn't even… care to call me? That stung.

How fucking detached had I become? Two worlds were swirling around me now. The one that I had found solace in—become dependent upon for survival. And the other that was… home. Two halves of myself that were yearning to match up.

Fuck.

"Edward." Alice's hand closed over mine, blocking the ring and breaking the spell.

"Congratulations Al. That's perfect… You guys are… perfect."

She smiled but it didn't reach her eyes. She watched me… gauging what she had to say next. I swallowed.

"She's going to be my maid of honor," she informed me. Here came that white elephant, charging down the center of my heart.

I blanched. Good old Alice—no beating around the fucking bush with her. "Oh."

And then it made sense. Jazz didn't tell me about the wedding because he didn't want to not invite me. Fuck.

"When?" I tried to keep talking to dull out the pain—my chest was constricting.

"He wants you to be his best man, Edward, but… She's doing so much better." Alice's voice cracked and I turned back towards the bushes.

Of course _she_ was doing so much better. I wasn't in _her_ life—fucking it up around every turn.

"Don't worry about it Al. He knows I love him… you. It's probably best I stay here anyway… gotta… I'm studying... Art."

I could hear her draw in an unsteady breath. Shit. She was crying.

"Don't worry about it Alice." I felt tiny arms wrap around my waist from behind. I sighed.

"You two are gonna end up together someday Edward. I know you are."

I clenched my jaw hard enough to crack my teeth. I patted her hands in a show of comfort—in reality I just wanted to run. Be done with this show. I wanted Alice to leave and go off and marry Jazz. For their wedding to be happy and the entire family they loved to be around them.

Except me.

I wasn't in that family anymore. Being Edward Cullen wasn't an option. Here I was just Edward and right now I needed to stay just Edward.

"So," I turned and masked my pain under a smirk that would make Erebos proud. "How long are you staying?"

She slouched forward and frowned at me—like she knew I was going to play this part and she was pissed that I was proving her right.

"A week? Unless you want to kick me out sooner."

A week. Fuck. I smiled wider. "Great."

**-**-Bookends-**-**

One week. Seven fucking days. After the first hour she was here I wanted to ship Alice off and never see her again. Around day three my façade was starting to crack. This morning, Friday, as I drove her to the airport I was fucking on edge and ready to blow.

What the fuck was happening to me?

I sat in his study every night, playing chess just like we always did. He pushed his mind-fuck and I accepted the challenge. There was something so efficient in the way Erebos thought. He brought everything down to the moment. Never let me get caught up in later and especially made me stop living in what had already come to pass.

But unlike the years I had spent learning from these sessions, this past week I found myself more frustrated and confused as I climbed the stairs to my room.

I couldn't draw _her_ form anymore. Just the angry swirls of colors and images that had haunted my mind as a child.

Gone was the inspiration of _her_ flesh and renewed was the torment that I had shared only with _her_ as a child.

_Her_.

_Her_.

_Her_.

I was fucking ready to beat my head in against the shower wall.

Alice did nothing intentional to drive me to this instant madness either. She was a pleasant companion to Erebos and she adored the trips to the local villages. She even sat in on some lessons with Eleazar. Alice knew her shit when it came to art.

Maybe that confused me? Maybe Alice showing a talent in something that was so private to me seemed threatening.

I snarled as I made the sharp left that led to the bridge back home. I should've been enjoying the ride. This car was a fucking Aston Martin Vanquish for crying out loud. I always enjoyed driving it.

But at the moment I cursed its existence. Everything around me was pissing me off.

I slammed the car to stop right outside the front entrance to the keep. Demetri was waiting for me in the now darkness of early evening, shaking his head.

"You are going to kill the tires if you keep doing that," he scolded. I just shrugged and couldn't keep the rumbling growl out of my throat as I threw the keys at him.

I didn't give a flying fuck about the fucking tires. I stormed up to my room—fucking stormed like I was Rhett fucking Butler or some shit.

Everything was a red haze. And no matter what I did his fucking voice was in my head.

_Think, Edward. What does it mean?_

I screamed with a rage I didn't realize I was holding in. I didn't fucking no what it meant.

I kicked off my designer shoes—fucking things cost more than the house I grew up in. I know. I bought that fucking house when my deadbeat mother fucking abandoned it like she did me. I picked up the shoes and carried them into the bathroom. I launched them at the mirror. I was tired of looking at the fucker staring back at me. He showed up the morning Alice arrived and he didn't get on the plane with her.

"Look at your eyes, Edward," she'd told me on Monday afternoon. She watched me with her wide blue eyes. She didn't seem happy about what she saw. "I hardly even recognize you."

Was that such a bad fucking thing? I stumbled back to my bedroom and looked around. _My_ room. Mine. What the fuck in this room was mine?

My scarlet vision told me turning over the dresser that was probably older than my country's constitution was a good idea. Fuck yes. It felt so fucking good to destroy it.

_What does this mean, Edward? What is this violence accomplishing?_

I laughed. Then I snarled. Nothing. It didn't mean a god damn thing.

_Wrong. Emotions are not born in a vacuum. They are cultivated. They are connections to memories. What is it in your memory that is forcing this emotional breakdown?_

"FUCK!" I yelled.

I ran from the room—compelled to think only of darkness. What was the darkest place in this world I forced myself into now?

I could only think of one room. The one on the third floor at the end of the hall.

I didn't pause when I hit the door. I just burst in and found him… occupied. My eyes saw the scene no differently than I had before. I didn't hunger to be here. But something about here… was fueling this rage.

"Knocking is preferable, Edward." Was he teasing me? That mother fucker was standing half naked next to a padded table with a woman spread eagled and tied down in front of him. And he was fucking teasing me for not knocking? He was seriously fucked in the head.

"Do you wish to watch?" I felt my guts squeeze and I nearly vomited then and there. No.

I couldn't even look at the naked woman. My legs, so filled with determination a minute ago, were jell-o and I fell to my knees turning to leave. I crawled to the nearest room. Thanked the fucking fates above that it was unlocked and I threw my body against the door once inside.

My heart was slamming in my chest. I was panting and every muscle in my body was tense.

I wasn't even remotely interested in the scene I had just escaped but … I couldn't reconcile the fucking stiffness in my pants.

What the fuck was wrong with me?

I slammed my head against the door. _I was a punk ass kid, high and fucking flying as his girlfriend teased his body to want to be inside hers_. Slam. _I was an asshole teenager who thought he knew everything and tortured himself by touching the sweetest fucking pussy in the world with only his fingers when he really wanted to just drive his cock so hard and deep in her that she would scream_. Slam. _I thought I became a man the second she slid down on me… truth is I slid back to being a kid. Too fucking scared to ever be able to do it myself_.

Totally fucked.

SLAM. SLAM. SLAM.

Why! Why was I thinking about _her_? Why was I so fucking hard that I felt like I would come without trying.

What did Alice do to change me?

"_She's doing so much better."_

FUCK _HER_!

I pulled myself to my feet, groaning at the movement and the sparks sent straight to my groin from it. I tried to cross the room, get to the balcony and just let the cool night air calm me.

I made it as far as the wall beside the double doors.

FUCK _HER_!

How dare _she_ fucking do better! How dare _she_ not fall to miserable fucking pieces without me!

Every single night that _her_ little ass was pressed up against my needy cock was suddenly in my mind. All I ever wanted was to love _her_—make love to _her_.

FUCK _HER!_

I unzipped my pants. Pulled up a thought of _her_ in my mind. That day in the tree house. _She_ was so fucking strong, filled with a grace and maybe even a purpose that took my breath away. That's what I wanted to return home to.

But that girl was gone. When I got back… I found _her_ in the tree house.

I clenched my jaw, the muscles in my neck straining. I slammed my body back against the wall. So fucking much for true love. So fucking much for happy endings.

I fisted my hands around my straining erection and pumped. _Her_ face in my mind smiled down at me. Fuck yes. I could do this. I could possess her the way she possessed me.

My hands took on a life of their own. My mind was lost to the dream of _her_. Why couldn't I ever be allowed to do this… with _her_?

I hissed and slammed my body harder against the wall as I started to thrust and let myself feel… everything. I felt the blood pushing through my body. Felt the scratch of my button up cotton shirt. Felt the hard of the wall brace the soft of my back.

Fuck.

How long had it been since I felt anything?

It was over too quickly. I growled as the orgasm seized me. Everything for a moment was as perfect and clear as it had been six years ago. _Her_ face still smiled down on me and I shuddered from the release.

Then I opened my eyes and found myself in a dark room. Alone. I slid down to the floor.

I crumpled in on myself—grabbing handfuls of my hair and tugging as tears started streaming down my face.

I heard him come in. I didn't give a fuck enough to zip up and cover myself. Erebos had seen far worse than my naked cock.

I didn't move. I just… fell apart. Useless. Worthless. Pathetic.

He sat in the darkness with me for who knows how long. Never speaking. Probably watching me. Just like Jazz used to do on those nights when I let the fucking shit that Tanya inflicted on us get to me.

When he did speak, it was nothing but a whisper. "It's time for you to go home Edward."

My body started to shake. Where the fuck was that? The home that my mother deserted? That was haunted by the memories of a failed life that I still desperately wanted with a girl who was doing better without me. The home of an Uncle that would forever remind me that I could never be as complete and content as he was in his marriage? Or perhaps the little house perched on a tree where I unknowingly destroyed the purest creature in my world?

Where the fuck did I belong?

He watched me as if he heard this inner storm that was crippling me.

"You no longer need anyone to tell what to do Edward. You have the control now."

I lashed out with a cry of irritation. "Stop with the fucking riddles! I don't need that bullshit today."

He smiled, it was far from happy. "Edward, I became a Dom because there is a part of my nature that must control every situation I am in. I discuss the world with you in the manner that I chose because I dominate the lesson that way. And I know that from the second you realized the truth of my world with your eyes you have been plagued by the image in your mind."

I glared at him. Not speaking.

He nodded. "You have no desire to join this world. I know you don't. Though for a while I did wonder if you were destined to be a submissive with your views of Isabella." I hissed at the sound of _her_ name. "No. You are not intrigued by my sexual activities. You are drawn to the promise that is my self-realization."

I laughed. "Arrogant much?"

"Yes. That's what pisses you off."

"Arrogant fucking idiots do tend to not make friends."

"Nor do whiny pussies."

I growled at that last statement. I didn't have a comeback for it. In fact… I felt some sort of sick satisfaction of finally having someone call me it to my face.

"You're not a pussy, Edward. You proved today that you are made of something entirely different. You just lack… a proper ignition to finding that control in your life."

I rolled my eyes and sighed. "Speaking common fucking English."

"Carlisle sent you here so that you could learn what he learned during his time with me. To be a man. And today… you started on that path. But your destiny, unfortunately, is woven with that girl's. And until you can be the proper piece in the puzzle with her, you will never fit. She needs a man. Not someone who is afraid to hurt her feelings… too afraid she'll leave him like his mother did."

I fisted my hands. I couldn't argue with that fact. My biggest fucking fear had always been _her_ walking out my door. Way to fucking go Cullen. She didn't walk… she ran.

"So what do I do? She doesn't want me anymore."

"I think the issue for the two of you is that neither of you want yourselves. Don't live your life for her, Edward. Live your life for you. When she is ready… she will join you. And then you can live your lives for each other as a unit."

I gaped at the man. "Three fucking years of my life… You could have told me this… that first night. Or when you gave me the booze. What the fuck!"

"No. I did tell you it. I told you to prioritize your life. Tell me what you wanted. You only wanted to exist in her denial. You never considered finding a way to survive on your own… only a way to survive without her. You had to be taught. Trained… Had to become that kid you were in Seattle."

"What the hell does Seattle have to do with this?"

"Carlisle used to tell me about his nephews. The younger one who was shy and timid- and the older one who didn't give a shit about what anyone thought. You raised your brother, Edward. You survived your parents and the homes and the responsibilities of your youth. She changed that."

That voice that had clouded my vision with its lust for release was still whispering- _Fuck her_. But I was drained of that venom now.

"I took care of her… I helped her." It was a plea rather than a fact. I knew better than to believe that two broken kids could ever really help each other. Erebos was right. We should have worked on fixing ourselves before trying to force us to fix each other.

"Edward, I am not your therapist. I am simply someone who has come to realize who he is and what he wants out of life. I think you are well on your way to becoming that kind of man too."

I looked down at my hands- bent in claw-like ferocity.

"Feels like I just slipped backwards to me."

He laughed. He did that far too much. "No. You got angry... when was the last time you felt something and allowed yourself to just feel it, Edward?" I kept my eyes down as he cut straight through to my exact thoughts before he entered the room.

"That's all I ever wanted to teach you, son. Life is happiness and hope but it also passion and pain and hell. Everyone is meant to hurt at some point in their life, lest we ever lose sight of the opposite of death."

"Back to your riddles again?"

He sighed. "You don't get to hide anymore, Edward- that I am sorry for. But I trust that you will rise above the fear." He patted my arm and left me alone with my thoughts.

I was empty. It felt pointless to wallow in the pain that I had let consume me for so long. Erebos was right. When I was I kid the shit of my life bothered me but... that was just life. I got up every morning and lived it.

The room was washed in amber when I finally decided to move. The bedroom that had belonged to me for the past three years was spotless when I entered it. The house staff was amazing around here. The bathroom even sported a brand new mirror.

I glanced at the asshole in the reflection briefly before I got into the shower. It was still the same stranger but this time I understood- the stranger was just me. The lie had been Edward.

I won't lie. It might have been disgusting but that little episode upstairs last night was...nice. It had been to long. Way to fucking long since I was able to get off.

I leaned against the wall and let the sensations fill me again.

"Fuck," I breathed as I felt myself give over to feeling.

**-**-Bookends-**-**

Two days later I was standing in the entry way sorting through the handful of boxes I would be taking back to the states with me.

Erebos stood by the door holding a large, gray envelope. He seemed happy to see me off, but his body language told me otherwise. I suppressed the smirk at the fact that Mr. Recluse I only need my scores of subs who come and go at my biding and no one else had found a friend after all.

"I have a friend who lives in Boston, Katherine Denali. I'll give her your number. I'll have her call you as soon as you arrive in New York." He'd been saying shit like that for last twenty four hours. Like some protective father who was terrified to let his kid go off to college or some shit.

I slipped and let my crooked smile peek out. "Okay," I murmured.

The room was filled with all these unspoken epiphanies and unknown doubts as I stood back to say goodbye. I didn't even know what to say really. Erebos was never someone I went looking for. What he did for me… I didn't think I could ever really put into words or fully explain to someone. But… I was sad to see this moment of my life end.

"Well," I held out my hand to shake his, my voice thick with emotion. "Thank you." To the point, just like he liked it.

He shook my hand, a pride in his eyes a previous me would have not understood, or maybe might have felt guilty about. Gotta learn to love me. Respect me. He taught me that.

"This is for you." He handed me the envelope and I scowled at him.

"What is it?"

He sighed. "Don't waste time with asking questions, Edward. Open it and find out for yourself."

I laughed. Fucking laughed. Me. I shook my head at the sensation. It was still a little foreign to me.

The smile was wiped off of my face the second the contents of the package fell into my hand.

First off, there were keys. I knew those keys. I used them a lot. "The Vanquish," I mouthed in utter reverence. My head couldn't quite wrap around it. He was giving me his car that cost a quarter of a million dollars?

Un fucking real.

"I hear it needs new tires," he hissed sarcastically. I attempted a weak, breathless laugh. Where was Mr. Confident Cullen now?

"The car is your birthday present. And don't fight me on this dear boy. Your uncle still enjoys his."

I managed a brow raise for question as words were still not within my control.

"The jet."

I felt like the room was spinning. I always wondered where Carlisle got the money for the jet… and school. He had asked Ed for money a time or two but he paid every cent back after the accident. And then Ed spent every cent and more on whiskey.

"The rest," he pointed to the smaller envelope that I was now looking at. It was the size of a check. Shit. What was the crazy bastard giving me now? "This is just the means for you to become the man I know you are, Edward."

I wanted to roll my eyes at the cheesy fucking words. I slipped the check out, my mouth falling to the floor. The zeros in my hand were making my heart stammer. What the fuck? "One million dollars?"

I counted them again. Yep. There they were- eight zeros. Fuck.

I was a mother fucking millionaire. I landed on my butt before I realized I had fallen. I felt like I was going to throw up.

"I can't accept this."

"Edward, I don't care what you do with it. But you earned it."

I looked up at him, I felt like that little loss boy who used to plead with his mother every night to not piss off his father. I admit I was a little bit lost by the overwhelming generosity.

"Why… how… What?"

He snickered. "You put up with my bullshit."

I laughed weakly.

"I believe you'll use this money to build a good future. I wouldn't give it to you if I didn't."

He slapped my shoulder and walked back up the stairs to one of his many vices. I watched him leave with a slack-jawed awe. That son of a bitch was so fucking cool.

I folded the check with respect and slid into my breast pocket. Demetri and Felix helped me load the car. And I made a promise as I pulled out of the drive in … my Aston Martin, that I would do just that.

Build a good future. I pressed down on the gas and sped off to it.


	30. All that's left of you pt 3

**Bookends By: Bella's Executioner.**

**Rating: M- this means if you're under 16 you are agreeing to break your own ToS by reading this and I'm not your mother so be responsible for yourself.**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is the sole owner of the world of Twilight. She is Bella's creator. I am Bella's Executioner.**

**A/N: Bookends is the very first fanfiction I started writing. It's been on this site, moved and come back. It has errors, fuck ups and lots of proofs that I'm human but it also has all of my heart and soul in it. I welcome you into this world of pain and love and hope that you enjoy. I also welcome your thoughts as you read—pm me or review and I'll be happy to discuss the story with you.**

**Chapter 30: All that's left of you pt. 3**

**-**-Bookends-**-**

"She said I don't know if I've ever been good enough  
I'm a little bit rusty, and I think my head is caving in  
And I don't know if I've ever been really loved  
By hand that's touched me, well I feel like something's gonna give  
And I'm a little bit angry, well

This ain't over, no not here, not while I still need you around  
You don't owe me, we might change  
Yeah we just might feel good

I wanna push you around, well I will, well I will  
I wanna push you down, well I will, well I will  
I wanna take you for granted, I wanna take you for granted, yeah I will, I will"

(Push, Rob Thomas)

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**BPOV (Forks one week before Alice and Jazz's wedding)**

I stood back from the mirror and frowned at the reflection. Twenty years was not sitting well on me. I looked at least thirty. I had no one to blame but myself for it though. I was the one who insisted on living in agony.

Pain has a way of aging you. _Try saying that without sounding self loathing this time, Bella_, Alec's voice taunted in my mind.

"What do you think of the color?"

Alice was biting her lip with her eyebrow raised and intense frustration in her eyes. It was almost comical. I wanted to giggle when she whimpered while holding up two color swatches.

I held my tongue though, knowing how much trepidation she had in this. She hadn't even attempted fashion for nearly five years. Having her first step back be her wedding party outfits was asking for more anxiety than she needed at the moment.

Alice was all about distraction all of the time anymore.

Well. Since I came back into her life, that is.

The wedding was only a few days away and this was now the fourth design she was trying on me. She simply could not be content with anything. But she wasn't throwing tantrums like some pint sized Bride-zilla either.

Distraction.

"Why don't you just put me in the same dress Rose and Mom are wearing?"

"Bella…" she whined. "_You _are the maid of honor, you require something…more _Bella_… and… the dress they're wearing won't hang right on you. They're both taller than you are. I swear. You'd think you could have received a little of Esme's height—Emmett did. You're built more like…" She shook her head and tried to hide her slip behind a glare but I could see the apology in her eyes.

"Charlie." The name hung in the air like a lead weight.

Charlie—the guy who sent formal letters to both my brother and me to inform us that our grandmother had passed away. Yep, letters, on his business letterhead no less. No invitation to the funeral either. Not that either of us would have gone. But it was made clear that Granny Dearest didn't want us there, and we were notified that the family inheritance would not be sent to the Forks branch of the Swan tree. I didn't really care. I never lived my life for Aroa's trust fund.

It would be nice to have the money to get published though. Alec had mentioned several times that maybe I should seek my father's help in getting money to get my book published. I saw it as a set up for more pain. He saw it as an opportunity for me to ask for a relationship with Charlie on terms that Charlie could understand. When the letter came a few months ago about Aroa's death Alec shut up with the 'go talk to daddy' crap.

Alice cleared her throat. "Well… do you think the paler blue is okay or should we go back to the navy?"

I smoothed my hands down the bodice of the classically cut dress. It was very pretty. Even if she had been out of practice, Alice was still an artist with clothing. I liked the icy blue tone of the fabric that was highlighted by the shimmering tulle in the skirt.

"Looks great, Alice." I gave a dorky thumbs-up in the mirror to her and she giggled. Then her eyes got all misty.

Crap. Maid of honor job number one: keep the bride from crying every second of the day.

I hopped off the small stool I was standing on, wincing as the pins stabbed me around my hips, and grabbed the pack of tissues from my bag.

"Breathe Al, breathe."

She hiccupped a little and blew her nose in that dainty way that only Alice could. "I'm so sorry Bella," she croaked. "It's just… I've dreamt of this day for so long, you know? We used to stand here and pretend back in the day, remember?"

I put my arm around her and rested my head on her shoulder. "I remember. Back then you were going to marry John Cusack and I was going to..."

My phone started ringing from the chair- Lady Gaga, _Bad Romance_. I rolled my eyes as Alice groaned. Mike.

'"That dude's relentless," she grumbled so low I'm sure I wasn't supposed to hear it.

"Hey Mike," I answered.

"Hey B," no matter how many times he called me that I would never like it. "Are we still on for a movie tonight? That one about the good cop gone bad that you wanted to watch just came out."

I tried my damnedest to not laugh out loud at the thought of Mike sitting through another action movie. He lost his lunch and had to go home early during the last one.

Worst first date ever.

_Date?_ That voice inside of me snarled at the word.

"How 'bout we watch that chick flick one instead?" I offered. He sounded relieved at the mention of not having to see people get shot for two hours straight. I told him I'd be another hour of so and I'd meet him at the diner for a quick bite before heading out to Port Angeles.

Alice glared and harrumphed the entire time I spoke to him.

I stuck my tongue out at her as I snapped my phone closed. She sighed.

"Be nice."

"I don't like you hanging out with him. You... you almost seemed to enjoy it."

I laughed at the apprehension in her stare. "Gosh Al, call the cops! Bella enjoys something." I laughed again to hide the fact that I didn't like that I might be enjoying it either. Mike was a nice guy and all... but he was annoying too. It did feel a little out of character for me to like doing something for once though. But could she really fault me for that? It had been so long since I enjoyed anything.

"I'm holding out hope."

I glared at her, but said nothing as she unzipped my dress. I'd given up on _that _hope a long time ago. I had to make my own about new things.

"Bella...How are your sessions with Alec going?" Thank you Miss Curveball Cullen.

I sighed. "Fine," I shrugged my now relatively bare shoulders.

"Bella..."

"What do you want to know Alice? I asked him the other day if he thought Edward would ever forgive me. He said there was nothing to forgive- Quack." I flapped my arms like I was a duck.

I flinched at the sound of the thwack as Alice snapped my bra strap. "OUCH! What the hell, Al?"

She danced out of my reach as I swung to swat her. "He's not a duck, you're just afraid to not have something to feel guilty about. And maybe he wants to make sure you don't just settle for something less than…"

I bit my lip as I watched her. Alice's eyes danced around the room. "Don't seal your fate so quickly… maybe… things can change."

I sighed silently and started counting to twenty in my head. Would there ever be a day when Alice didn't talk about Edward? So today we were on the Mike is not a reasonable Edward stand-in. I knew that. But he was someone who made me feel comfortable. He was someone who didn't know a damn thing about the last seven years of my life and he didn't pry to know.

He was safe.

I got to twenty and figured Alice was extra sensitive on the Edward topic because with the wedding so close…Shit, she still wanted to invite him.

"I told you to stay out of that Alice. Edward and my relationship is our problem to sort out… And I told you it was your wedding so you should invite whoever _you _want."

She scowled. "You know damn well I'd never put either of you through that on a day like my wedding. I was just saying that maybe _you_ could..." she shrugged her shoulders.

I laughed out loud at the thought. Not a funny laugh, but a pathetic, Edward is so much better off without me kind of sound that tore from my chest and shook my bones with its truth.

"What? Call him? Tell him, 'oh by the way Edward, I've been lying to you for seven years. And I'd really like that to just be water under the bridge.' I don't think so Al. He's doing better on his own in Italy. I've no doubt about that."

Alice's eyes grew wide with guilt and she busied herself putting the dress away.

"What?"

"Do you think lilac roses or lilies for the bouquets?"

"Alice..."

"I think lilies. The blue will clash with the purple I fear."

"Alice!"

She sighed and turned to face me. "He's not doing better, Bella... he's ... he's holding on," she whispered the last and her eyes were sad- like she had seen some dark sadness surrounding Edward. This was more than just one of her "visions" about him.

I knew Alice still spoke to Edward, knew that she sent him emails all of the time. She never offered any info on what was going on in his life. But then, I never really asked either. This wasn't just some feeling she had from a bad email, this was different...it was like she... like she had seen him recently.

I gasped. "You didn't go to New York last week did you?"

"No." she hung her head. "I visited _him_. I wanted... you have no idea what this is doing to Jazz. He misses his brother. He wants him standing next to him next week."

That was a low blow. Why bring up Jazz? To remind me that I was hurting both of them with my existence?

I could see Alec's face in my head. _Isabella, you are not responsible for everyone around you. Don't push yourself past your tolerance level to make others feel better. It's not your fault_.

I took a deep breath. That last bit about fault would be Alec's hardest lesson to finally get through to me. I doubted it would ever work. I still felt consumed by guilt when I spoke, but I hid it behind my usual defensiveness.

"So why didn't you invite him?" I was surprised how casual my voice sounded. It seemed like I was completely at ease with the possibility the he would show up next week.

"You're not mad at me for seeing him?"

I thought about it. "No. I mean... I'm mad at the situation, that I can't see him. And I don't love that you went against my expressed warning for _you _to stay out of it... but... I don't know. I like knowing he had someone there in person. I have you guys all around me everyday. Edward's... he's alone out there. It's nice to know he at least had you around for a little bit."

I glanced out the window. Bright and sunny as far as the eye could see. Such unusual weather for Forks. I remembered how the copper highlights in Edward's hair would blaze in the light while we spent time together on rare sunny days like this.

"How did he look?" I whispered. I knew better than to go down this road. There was no hope for Edward and me- it was risking a relapse in self abuse to entertain this insatiable desire I had when it came to his life.

"Pissed that I was there."

I laughed. I could see that snarl that Edward used to get on his face when we were younger. When Alice would shove her way between he and I and our private time together.

Those were happier times.

"So... what else?" Stupid, Bella, this was stupid. The guilt dissipated and a less troubled me wanted to hear about the most important person in her life. What he was doing. Who he was spending his time with. It wasn't fair to him that I would pry... but I imagined that Alice told him everything about my life.

Oh crap. My life. Mike. Crap.

"You didn't tell him about Mike did you?"

Alice made a face like I was trying to feed her liver and onions. "What's there to tell? Mike Newton has his head even further up Bella's ass lately?"

I glared at her.

She laughed. "Really Bella? Are you insinuating that there is a relationship there? That you're actually... _dating _Mike?" Her face scrunched like she had just swallowed that plate of liver and onions that I had served her verbally a moment ago.

I wanted to laugh at first. I was in a relationship with Mike. No, it wasn't the kind of relationship that my family had with their significant others. I would only ever belong to Edward. I couldn't even let Mike kiss me on anything but my cheek.

But... he was _here_.

_Selfish cow!_ Bitchy Bella in my mind screamed. That bitch had a way of always being right on one level. But on so many levels I kept Mike around to send a message.

Edward is free. As long as everyone believes I've moved on, then they can assure Edward that he needs to too. Alice just said it herself- he's holding on.

Well Mike was the white flag of surrender. _Let me go, Edward, and live a normal happy life. I'm done draining all of your soul from yours, and Mike is my safe zone that makes it possible for me to only drain myself when I'm with him._

_Let me go and move on, Edward. I just want you happy._

_Forever_.

I silently started packing all of my stuff up.

"I'm sorry Bella. Really," she grabbed my hand and pulled my focus to her face. "I just want you to be happy. And you may be doing better but... I don't see you happy when you're with him."

She never got it. She never would. Even though Alice knew about the… loss… even though she knew what I went through that summer after having sex with Edward, she still believed there was a chance I could be happy. I wanted to laugh.

Then I wanted to cry.

"No, Alice. You just don't _see_."

I walked out of the room and down the stairs. Jazz was sitting in the dinning room, reading the morning paper. Alice had told him to go do something today while we finished the fitting. Typical Jazz, he didn't have anything he wanted to do without Alice.

"Hey Bella," he looked up as I reached the door. I couldn't hide my sulk from him. Jazz brought my emotions to the surface without even trying.

I nodded.

He looked down at the paper suddenly and the guilt in his eyes made me forget the less troubled me that had briefly wanted to just be a kid again.

"Invite him, Jazz. I don't want to be there if not having Edward there will cause you pain."

Jazz glared at the paper in front of him and drew in a sharp breath. He sat there thinking for a little while. Long enough for me to shift uncomfortably by the door.

"It would hurt not to have you here too, Bella. I think right now, the best thing for us to do is to give Edward the space he needs. I can't rush either of you into this."

I nodded, though he never looked up at me to see it.

My heart was heavy. I really couldn't discuss him any longer today. I had spoken about Edward more today than I had in weeks with Alec. It brought the guilt up to the surface of my skin to think about him this much.

To know he's still hurting over me.

To know that I am still hurting everyone around me because of what I do to him.

I left the house with a soft click of the front door closing.

I had so much more to add to the story now. A sequel of pain for my two characters- Mason and Bea.

I sighed when I got into the Volvo. The stupid, not quite as shiny was it once was, silver Volvo. The tears were flowing as I turned the key.

Happiness wasn't something I could ever be again.

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**JPOV (wedding day)**

Emmett sat adjusting the camera on the laptop while I finished looping my bowtie.

"Fucking monkey suit," I grumbled. I loved my baby and all but jeans and a drive-thru chapel would have been fine with me.

"Can you see anything on your end, Edward?" Em prompted.

"Just your neck...geez Em what do you do work out in your sleep?"

Em snorted and stepped back so I could finally see my best man. "How you doing kid?"

It didn't matter what the name of the woman who gave birth to me was, nor did it matter how many years and miles there were between us. That was my big brother. Edward was the person who had raised me, shouldered my pain and loved me unconditionally. I started getting a little teary seeing his crooked smirk on the laptop screen.

I had missed him more than he would ever know.

"A tad over dressed much?" he joked.

Emmett stood primping his perfect curls on the other side of the room. "Some of us like to look nice, Cullen."

I laughed. "What are you wearing that compares?" I offered the Jazz version of the Cullen smirk to Edward's shaking head.

He looked down at himself. "Boxers and a wife beater. I frankly find myself very charming in it too."

"That's the thing of it, Edward, you dress like that and you only charm yourself," Em finished fixing his tie as he laughed at my brother's glare. "And apparently you've managed to charm the pants off of yourself at that."

"Who says I'm the one who did the pants removing?"

Em froze. Even I took a minute to collect my instant need to defend. Edward was joking, I knew he had to be joking, but none of us found the idea of him with someone other than Bella to be a laughing matter. Em still thought all of Bella's depression for the entire two years that Edward lived in Italy was due to finding Edward lip locked with Newton's cousin Jane.

"That's enough of that," I offered with a nervous laugh.

Em's jaw clenched and I was thankful Edward wasn't here in person. I glared at the computer screen.

"Too soon?" he mouthed.

I rolled my eyes and nodded. "How are you big brother?"

"Doing damn good for once little brother."

His smiled made me smile in spite of the moment we had just been having.

"And why is that?"

He laughed. "Money. It makes the world go round, Jazz. Don't we know it?"

I started to agree but Em's growl stopped me. "Fucking typical… he gets money and my baby sister is trying to find ways to hit up that asshole for cash…" he was mumbling to himself in the corner but I was sure even Edward could hear him.

"What's he talking about?" Edward's eyes narrowed at the word sister.

I swallowed. What was he talking about…oh just the book that Bella wrote that was mostly drawn from her experiences and musings that she recorded to help her through her post traumatic stress disorder. The disorder that I can't tell you about because she swore me to secrecy the night she lost your child. The book that is proof that I've been lying to you for more years than I really want to think about. Sorry about that by the way…

Did Hallmark make a card that said all that? I needed to find one and send it to my brother.

"Bella….wrote book."

I almost wanted to laugh at how his eyes brightened at the mention of her name. He seemed…. Excited to hear news of her. That was weird. Al had said he was enraged at the very mention of her—of her doing better without him especially.

I rolled my eyes. What game was my soon to be wife playing now?

"Really? Damn….that's great, Jazz."

There was a loud banging on the door. If he wasn't standing in the room with me, I would have thought Em was the one doing the beating.

"You have ten minutes to get out there before I make my entrance!"

I had to laugh, that was my Alice- tiny but commanding.

"You head up there Em, I'm gonna say goodbye to Edward and then I'll follow."

Em nodded to me and glared at Edward. That would be a tough relationship to rebuild—or build at all I supposed. Em had never really like Edward.

I turned back to my brother, expecting that his mood would match my melancholy. I wanted him to stand beside me today. Be my best man at my wedding the way he had always been in my life.

Instead I found him deep in thought… and smiling.

"Book… she really did it. She… did what I told her to do." He smiled and looked up at me.

For the first time in I didn't know how many years, I saw my brother. Not just Edward. I saw the kid who used to tell me bedtime stories and walk me home from school.

"What?"

"She…when we were living together, I told her she should write a book. I guess she… fuck." He sat back in his chair, stunned and grinning.

"Wait… what was that about her needing money?"

I groaned inwardly. "Nothing," I lied. He didn't need to involve himself in her life. Bella would fillet me in a second if she even knew he knew she was writing the book.

"Jazz!" Bella's voice called from the hall.

"Fuck…" Edward's voice told me the melancholy had finally reached him at hearing her speak.

"Love you bro, wish you were here."

"Ya, me too squirt. Take good care of her."

I bit my lip and nodded. I knew he meant more than just Alice. It was that promise he made me make before he was sent back to Tanya. That as long as I was around Bella when he couldn't be, he trusted me to take care of her.

That I could do.

Edward looked at me like a proud papa. I wanted to laugh. Then I wanted to cry.

We both cleared our throats and I straightened my sleeves. "Well?"

He smirked and winked and logged off the computer. I watched my reflection in the blank screen for a second longer. The world was so fucked up in so many ways. But right now, there was hope all around me. I even saw it in Edward's face just now.

I smiled, and turned to face my destiny.

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**BPOV (2 years later)**

I sat back from the typewriter. Accomplished. Happy.

No, not happy. But satisfied with what I created. I ran my fingers over the name in the exact center of the page- Mason. Yes it was a first name and not a last name and yes it had an 'o' in place of an 'e', but it was him.

Four years. Forty eight months since that day we parted in Seattle. And I still felt that sting in my chest at the thought of him.

I sighed and glared at the picture of a cat I had pinned on my board. I was never good with having pets. But I heard it was good to have one so that you didn't feel alone.

I had pictures of pets. I felt loved enough with those.

"Well 2-D…I did it." The picture didn't respond. That was good. There a moment last week when I was frantically finishing a chapter at three a.m. when I seriously thought he purred.

I laughed and made my way to the kitchen.

I pulled down the box of Pop Tarts, slid two into the toaster and tapped my fingers on the counter while I waited for them to pop. I felt… anxious.

I had been writing that story for nearly three years. Now that I wrote 'the end' on the last page, I… didn't know what to do with myself.

I busied myself straightening the magnets on the fridge. The biggest one I left alone. It held the letter from the publishing house. I still couldn't believe I was actually going to be published.

I ran my finger over the line that meant the most to me, "An anonymous contribution was made in your name as start up capital for your book."

Who? It had bugged me for a long time. I received the letter only a few days after Jazz and Alice got home from their honeymoon. I tried to think of everyone who might have done it. Carlisle? Alec? I even thought that maybe Mike was working extra jobs and not telling me about it just so he could send in the start up fees.

And then suddenly I came to a conclusion that Jazz often told me to just stop believing.

Edward.

He must have sent the money to the publishers. I had heard he was back in the states—well I hadn't heard I had found out. He owned a rather successful gallery in New York. One where he displayed his own work. He made the news- a lot.

I knew it was wrong of me to go looking for him, but I couldn't help it if he found his way back to me.

Could I?

_Don't delude yourself Bella_, Alec warned. _You've faced this. You've talked about the baby, and you are coming out of you shell. But I don't want you to trade one dream world for another._

I rolled my eyes. True. I had faced what happened. I had even had a makeshift funeral for my baby. Said goodbye to… him, or her.

I scanned the fridge and noticed the note from Mike, _trip to Port Angeles on May 8th, to see your Dad_. I rolled my eyes. I was working on picturing a future with Mike. Alec warned that if I didn't at least try to foster some sort of relationship with my father that I would never be able to build one with a partner. I needed to at least try to present myself and Mike as a couple to the man. If for no end but to prove to myself that we were a couple.

A couple. With Mike Newton.

I poured myself glass of water and drank it slowly. I had to say when I thought things like that, I didn't have to worry I had fooled myself into some dream world.

Reality was very much the place I existed in.

But the temptation to believe Edward was the benefactor. That he was still looking out for me…

My phone rang just as I bit down on the freshly toasted tart. It was too hot and I was practically in tears as I answered.

"Bella," Alice could never sound anything but annoyed with me anymore. The number one reason Jazz reminded me to let go of the idea that Edward had helped me was because his wife loved the idea that it might have been Edward that helped me.

And she was pissed that I never tried to contact him to thank him.

"Yeth?" My tongue was burned. I swallowed a glass of cold water to help stop the sting.

"Lunch, today, at that little Italian place. What do you think?"

"I thought Jazz hates that place?"

"He won't be coming. He's finishing the renovations on the clinic and doesn't really want to… come along today. I have a surprise!"

I was worried at the hint of glee in Alice's voice. A surprise? She had something up her sleeve.

"Okay, noon?"

"Sounds good."

I stared at the phone after she hung up. I glanced at my "pet". "Well 2-D, looks like my stories far from over."

**-**-Bookends-**-**

"Bella," she said after the waiter left us our drinks and went to place our orders. I raised my eyebrows in anticipation of what her big surprise was. Alice had an infectious way with her moods. I couldn't help but feel a little excited once I saw her in person.

"Here," she handed me a small black bag. It had black tissue paper lining the inside of it and nestled inside that was a smaller black velvet bag.

"Alice?" I pulled the bag out in confusion.

"Open it under the table," she stage whispered. I glared at her. I could feel a small device inside the little black bag and I was beginning to understand my last conversation with Alec much more.

_You need to release, Bella. Take that last bit of control and... release_.

"What the hell am I going to find in this?"

She smirked- then she giggled. "Just open it." was all she would say.

I pulled the drawstrings apart with great trepidation. Wrapped in the walls of black velvet was a tiny silver egg and what looked to be a remote control.

Fuck.

"Alice," I whined.

She clapped her hands and laughed. "You know what it is. Good! I was worried I would need to draw you a diagram." She winked as my face started to flame.

I shoved the bag into my purse and fumed. Well, most of me fumed. There was a part of me, one that was suddenly taking advantage of my new outlook on life, that was very interested to skip lunch and go home and play with my new toy.

I shook my head. "I can't believe you... I can't believe him!" I tried to keep my voice down but I couldn't help but yell at her.

"Nose down, Bella. He knows what he's doing and he knows that Alec is probably at the stage of telling you to…explore. And he knew it would be more... appropriate if I gave it to you. Besides I was just excited to get to finally buy one. I've never needed one." She winked and my cheeks were flaming again all the more for imagining Alice and Jazz going at it.

Again there were two sides of my mind and I was almost relieved to feel the negative one falling to the background. The other side was telling me it was okay to think that way. That sex was okay. Something I should want. Something it was okay to imagine people doing.

"Bella?" Alice asked from across the table. I realized I was enjoying the fantasy a little too much. I drew my lip between my teeth and wound my napkin around my fingers.

"But Alice... I dunno. What I am... How am I..."

She stared at me for a minute before her enjoyment got the better of her. "Oh Bella, you're such a virgin! Put on some music and just see what happens."

I gapped at her. "Fuck, Alice." We were hardly the chicks from Sex in the City. She only had experience with Jazz and I only had really bad memories of all the wrong things Edward and I used to do with each other's bodies.

_Not wrong things, Bella. You just weren't old enough to deal with it. You never hurt each other physically._

I nodded to Alec's invisible voice.

Still Alice and I were hardly experienced girls when it came to stuff like this.

"Well... thanks Alice," I said in earnest. I couldn't believe it but I was actually excited to get home and try it out.

"There are cleaning instructions on the card inside this," she said handing me the gift bag just as the waiter brought our salads. I blushed redder than the poor boy's hair. Alice just snorted at the face I made.

He smiled at me and walked away.

I swallowed. Shouldn't that have made me feel something? Shouldn't I feel something about myself when I see an attractive young man smiling at me that way?

It did a little... I felt good about how I looked. Figured I must not look like the zombie I felt like. But other than that... Nothing. It was like when Mike told me I looked nice. Or when he held my hand to the Volvo after a movie. It was nice. I felt good about me- but I felt nothing toward him.

It wasn't like it would be if Edward told me I looked pretty. Hell Edward didn't even need to use words. If Edward looked at me the way that boy just had... I crossed my legs.

I wolfed down my food. I have no doubt that Alice noticed I was practically done with my meal as soon as it arrived in front of me.

"Anxious to get home, Bella?" she asked putting her card with the bill and swatting my hand away when redhead came back to pick it up.

"Shut it, Alice," I said though I couldn't help but smirk myself.

"Yes."

For the first time in nearly eight years I was very excited to go home.

The Volvo squealed as I slammed on the breaks outside the apartment building. I was giddy as I ran up the steps. But once I was inside the building I was filled with that dreaded uncertainty.

What the fuck did I do now?

I felt so clumsy and stupid- just more proof that I was a hopeless eternal virgin at heart.

The building manager was standing by the mailboxes when I ran in. "Hi!" I shouted with a giggly smile.

I practically bulldozed my way past him but he held up a large envelope. "This came for you, Bella."

"Oh," I took the envelope from him with thanks and ran the rest of the way to my door.

So breathless and ridiculously horny I fumbled my way into my apartment, tossing the envelope on the kitchen counter. It didn't have a return address.

Weird.

I couldn't care less at the moment though.

I looked around my relatively small living space. Where to do this?

The couch? That just grossed out every thought of future company coming over to visit me.

The bedroom? It felt… too sacred to use the bed. Although Edward had never slept in this bed, my bed would only ever belong to him. I might have given Mike the indication that he and I could be a more permanent item in the future, but I made it clear that sex would never be on the table.

This right now… was a test to prove to myself that I could do it. That my body still worked right, and I could do this without feeling the world would end. It wasn't really that much about getting off, just about not falling apart.

Maybe this could be considered just about sex. Because I could make my body feel the impulses and releases of sex, but I would never want to make love with anyone but Edward.

That was my sacrifice for his happiness. I didn't need to have that connection of body and soul, as long as he could be happy.

I fingered the black bag in my hand.

So.,. that left… the bathroom. I wanted to slap myself over the awkwardness of being surrounded by cold, hard porcelain for this. It seemed like I was going out of my way to make this sterile and mechanical. But maybe that's what my mind needed right now. Every other place was still making me cringe at even the thought of trying this there.

I stepped into the bathroom and regarded it like it was some gauntlet at the end of a quest. How could I possibly get "in the mood" in here? I stared at the shower… Edward… I remembered that he liked to jack off in the shower. Maybe that would make this easier.

I stood in the shower. Fully clothed. No water. Just me and my new toy.

I felt so ridiculous.

"Get naked, idiot," I told myself.

"Go put this stupid thing away, dummy," I warned.

I sighed and decided to just go for it—_just do it, Bella. Jump this hurtle_.

I pulled my dress over my head. Nothing sexy. Just a quick motion to be naked. I stood there in my bra and panties and nerves. Alice had suggested I use music to set some mood. I didn't want the distraction.

I fumbled with the egg- reading the instructions like some nerdy virgin who wondered what an orgasm felt like.

I knew what they felt like. I just didn't know how to have one without Edward.

"Gah, just do it moron!" I yelled at myself, throwing the instructions to away.

The movement caught my eye in the mirror straight across me from. I could see myself down to the edge of my hips.

I stared at myself. My eyes were wild and excited, slightly hooded. My hair looked frantic and mussed from tearing my dress off. For all intents and purposes I looked like a girl ready to be fucked.

I just stood there for some time, looking at me. Letting my body and my mind get used to the idea that that was me. That the image in front of me was the person standing over her looking at it.

I wanted this.

I needed this.

The body in the mirror still wore a bra. I decided I wasn't ready to take it off…not yet. I also decided that the panties would stay on.

Baby steps…

"See yourself, Bella," I said out loud.

I let my eyes wander what little bit of me there was in the mirror. The curve of my neck, the way my shoulders slouched slightly.

I didn't have a gauge for what were great breasts or not. I knew size was a personal preference. I was pretty sure my mom had great breasts. The guys all went slack-jawed when she wore a low cut top. I assumed my breasts were good ones too.

I rolled my eyes at my anxiety. I had to do this. Had to face this. I kept my eyes focused on the reflection. I didn't want to watch my real hand touch my real breast.

I slid my right hand tentatively over my left breast. I gasped at the sensation. I was shocked to find myself so…sensitive to my own touch. I would have thought it impossible for my body to feel… ready, wanting without Edward here to touch me.

I shivered as I rolled my nipple between my fingers and squeezed. My breath hitched at the tingles that broke out all over my body from the motion.

I watched the girl in front of me. Saw her hunger for what she was doing. She looked bold. Strong. In control of herself and her body.

That spurred me on.

I rolled my eyes as I looked at the little silver bullet in my hand. I had no clue what this was going to be like. I considered how to use it. Over the panties? Slip it into the panties?

It was so much easier for a guy to do this. Lucky bastards had their work half way done for them in the self loving department.

I giggled slightly at the thought… then I thought about Edward doing this. Standing in a shower not too different from mine. Hot delicious water running down his shoulders and making his entire body slick and wet. His sure hand gliding and pumping over that one of part of him that I have only ever seen once in my life.

I swallowed—hard.

Under the panties.

I nodded to myself and tore my eyes away from the reflection girl long enough to fumble with my white cotton undies and menacing present that I would have to repay Alice for getting me.

I was met with yet another dilemma. Where the hell did I _put_ it? I suddenly had a very terrifying image of me calling Alice to take me to the ER because the damn thing sped its way so far up my vagina that it ended up being trapped by my cervix and couldn't be pulled out. It needed a cord attached to it so I could yank it out like a tampon when finished.

Maybe it was only meant for my clit? The fucking instructions were on the floor and there was no way I was leaving this shower and returning. It was a now or never moment I was facing.

"Shit," I cursed quietly. I decided to keep the device under my panties and next to my skin, but that I would hold on to it with my left hand. I had suddenly made myself quiet paranoid of where the little devil would end up if not properly watched.

I took a deep breath. It seemed like days ago that I had been fondling my breast. I felt jumpy and my heart was racing in my throat.

I turned my attention back to the mirror. Though the girl looked trepid about what was about to happen she still looked excited. Aroused.

The hand in between my thighs was invisible to me now. The mirror stopped just at the top of my underwear. It made what was going on seem mysterious and almost a little naughty.

Out of some confidence in my sexuality I had no idea I possessed, I felt a finger slid down further at the apex of my thighs.

I was slick. Wet. Ready.

I moaned at the feeling of my arousal on my fingers. Without turning the egg on at all I felt my hand replace my finger with the rounded silver end.

The girl in the mirror's breath sped and she licked her lips. There was no real friction from the movement but I could feel pleasure shooting out from my center and making everything in my body feel warm and alive.

And suddenly I was filled with memories. I could see Edward's finger sliding in and out of me like mine was doing now. I was melting back on the cool whit tiles behind me but it could have been the wooden boards of the dock that first summer he touched me.

I mimicked the movement over and over, feeling my body build back to the point that it had been while I worked my breast. I could feel my hips rocking slightly to meet the tip as it slid back and forth in my wetness.

I expected my brain to freak as I remembered the way Edward's cock had felt sinking in to me. But the girl in the mirror didn't know what that felt like. She only knew this. And she liked this.

I was ready to try a little friction. Ready to feel a little bit more.

I held the remote in my hand. There was no label on it. Just a little hear shaped lever that slid up and down.

I had no clue where to start—what would be too fast? Didn't the paper say something about testing the vibrating strength on another part of your body before you use it to see what strength you wanted?

Now was really the worst time to remember that.

I stilled my hand, making certain the tip was positioned next to my clit. I arched my back slightly off the wall… I had done a pretty good job of teasing myself.

I didn't know if the vibrating would do anything much more for what I was feeling, but I figured if nothing else it might send me to orgasm faster and I could walk away from this satisfied with this first try.

The girl in the mirror watched me through her lashes—very satisfied with this first try.

I was certain the low speed would be too gentle. I don't know why I thought I had a preference, other than I knew when Edward would do this to me I never really felt the tension building until he stroked harder and deeper.

I bit my lip and slid the heart to the center of the remote.

"FUCK!" I screamed.

The egg started shaking almost violently in my hand. Forcing me to almost lose my footing and teasing my clit to the point of pain in a matter of seconds.

I quickly slid the heart back to the off position.

I stood there for a moment.

My heart was jumping and my breath was speeding away from me. The girl in the mirror didn't look as freaked out as I felt. She looked like she was ready to laugh.

I rolled my eyes.

"You're such a virgin, Bella," I said in a mimic of Alice's words.

That I was. But this virgin was tired of never feeling this again. I slid the egg back to my clit. Closed my eyes and pushed the heart slowly down just until I felt the egg turn on.

It was lovely. I couldn't see anything—but I could feel everything.

There was a slow, dull buzzing in that most needy part of me and felt my head lean back against the wall to just enjoy the sensation.

I could feel the scratch material of the lace in my bra rub gently over my hard nipples as my body started to rock slightly again. I could feel myself growing more and more wet as the buzzing started to build in my tummy.

I started rocking harder, my breath hard in my lungs. I felt my thumb push the heart further down on the dial. The buzzing increased and everything felt even better.

"Fuck…" I moaned and started thrusting my hips against my own hand.

I didn't have any images in my head. There was no music playing all around me in the room. I was all impulse and desire and sensation.

The nerve endings all over my body were on fire and the tension felt like I would go insane any moment.

Suddenly I felt my thumb push the heart all the way down on the device in my hand and I exploded.

I arched my back off the wall and screamed. My body was convulsing around a pleasure even more acute than any Edward had ever given me.

I shuddered as I was hit with wave after wave of pure release.

I pulled the egg out of my panties. Turned it off with the remote and slid down the wall to sit clumsily in the tub.

I was panting, sweating and shaking slightly.

"That was good," I said and laughed at myself.

I held my hands up in front of my face. Wow. I had really been able to do it.

Me.

Not with anyone's help but just me alone.

My hands fisted. _Score one for us, Bella_.

I took a shower. I was surprised to find that I was sore and achy all over. I had forgotten how much an orgasm took out of you.

I cleaned my egg, patted it at I put in on the night stand next to my bed and told myself I needed to bake Alice and Jazz a fucking cake.

I walked over to my writing station and sat down. "Well 2-d," I said to my cat. "I guess it's not the end after all."

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**EPOV (6 months later)**

Friday night.

Family dinner night. I blew a hard breath from puffed cheeks as I sat in the Vanquish. The restaurant looked normal from the street. Sure. No big deal. It was just a place that people went to eat, but it was fucking intimidating to me.

I hadn't seen any of the family, other than Alice, in person in four years. I barely talked to any of them on the phone. Carlisle once in a greater while. Alice mostly. Rose never. I was rather shocked to find that it was Esme who arranged this little get together tonight.

I guess I shouldn't be. I had worked very hard to get into her good graces. And she was the most understanding that night when I left town- came to the airport all alone to see me off.

And it's not that I ever expected any of them to visit me in Italy. Not even once I was back in the states and living in New York. But tonight just felt… odd. Maybe it was because I had worried that moving to Seattle would do this—would force everyone to feel like they had to bring me back.

I sighed and rested my head against the seat.

I wondered idly if _she_ would be there. _She_ was part of the family.

_Don't be a fucking moron Cullen. She wants nothing to do with you. Fuck up_.

I killed the engine and pulled the keys out. I had to go inside. At least I'd get to see Jazz. I actually missed the little shit more and more these days.

It was a nice place. One I'd never heard of—The Forest. I'm sure it was trendy and all the rage. Alice liked trying places with those two requirements in mind. It was damn well expensive. I could tell from the ornate doors. And the myriad of suits that stood by the entrance told me I had made the right choice in dressing up.

I kept my sunglasses on as I entered mainly because I just wanted to hide for as long as I could. It was barely light enough outside to be wearing them to begin with but I felt the need to keep them on.

The hostess eye fucked me like she wished I was on the specials list for the day. I rolled my eyes without showing my discomfort beyond the shades of my glasses. She turned to lead me to the reserved room and I didn't miss the ass wiggle that was all for me. I wanted to laugh out loud. Erebos would call it a waste. I just called it ironic. Every other damn woman in this world wanted to treat me like I was the only man on earth. But I couldn't begin to be interested. Because it was every _other_ woman who did it—not the only woman I wanted to have notice me.

She took my jacket at the door. I swear to fucking God she smelled it as she left. _Psycho_.

I stood by the door for a long second, taking in the sight. Everyone else was already here. They were sitting down and catching up. My palms broke out in a cold sweat as I watched them.

I suddenly realized I had nothing to talk to them about that wouldn't lead around to mentioning _her_… realized that I was a pathetic excuse for a human because I still couldn't face _her_ name.

My heart started jumping in my chest and I honestly started to turn around. "Edward," a kind voice called gently from the table.

Esme stood to throw her arms around me. And just like that, I was back. She linked her arm through mine and drew me into the circle of Cullens who were busy turning to watch us.

Rose and Em nodded to me and went back to staring in to each other's eyes. Five years together and they still acted like newlyweds. My heart flipped at the thought. Alice squeezed my arm as I sat next to her. Jazz just watched me. Carlisle walked around Esme and hugged me from behind.

"Geez," I complained as they all sat back down. "I saw you all…"

"Four years." Jazz remarked matter of factly.

I glared at the side of his face since he was suddenly interested in the menu.

"You're busy," Alice offered softly.

I winked at her and she hit my arm but smiled. Talk around the meal was the same as all family dinners were. Boring as fuck. I caught up on all the latest adventures of the family Cullen in no time. Rose and Em wanted to adopt, still. Esme and Carlisle were renovating, again. Alice was finishing the plans on her charity organization and Jazz was set to start his practice here in Seattle soon.

There was food and wine—more of both as we eased into that familiar groove that was so natural even after all of this time. Alice was congratulating me on the new collection when Em suddenly got up and left the room. He had his phone in his hand and all of the color had left his face. Rose said a hasty goodbye and followed her husband. It was clear she was just as lost as the rest of us with what was going on.

Esme shared a worried look with Carlisle. "They were supposed to hear from the agency this week." Carlisle smiled and squeezed her hand.

"It will be okay," he promised. She sighed and leaned over to kiss him.

Fuck. This is why I didn't spend time around my family. All these fucking happy couples. Mentally Erebos was kicking my ass over the self pity. But fuck. I was only human. I moved to fill my glass up again.

_Too much fucking wine, Edward_. _Her_ voice said inside my head. _Oh fucking well Miss—you aren't here to stop me_.

Alice grabbed my arm. "Edward," she breathed. I turned to find her face ashen—she had her phone open and was reading a text. Her eyes were wells of pain as she turned to me, "Bella".

Like a fucking flash flood that name broke in to my mind—and soul. My heart seized. My brain exploded and the bottle of wine crashed to the floor.

Bella.


	31. Homeward Bound

**Bookends By: Bella's Executioner.**

**Rating: M- this means if you're under 16 you are agreeing to break your own ToS by reading this and I'm not your mother so be responsible for yourself.**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is the sole owner of the world of Twilight. She is Bella's creator. I am Bella's Executioner.**

**A/N: Bookends is the very first fanfiction I started writing. It's been on this site, moved and come back. It has errors, fuck ups and lots of proofs that I'm human but it also has all of my heart and soul in it. I welcome you into this world of pain and love and hope that you enjoy. I also welcome your thoughts as you read—pm me or review and I'll be happy to discuss the story with you.**

**Chapter 31: Homeward Bound**

**-**-Bookends-**-**

"I cannot stand being awake, the pain is too much."

Unknown

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**BPOV (same night, Forks)**

I turned the ketchup bottle over and started covering everything on my plate in the red liquid.

Jazz gave me a hard time about it before. Told me that my vampire self-diagnosis must not have been that far off. I liked to eat things dripping in red- blood.

Nice.

I saw it more that I liked to cover up a not great taste with something that could enhance the flavor and make it tolerable. To apply that to my life, as Alec always encouraged me to, ketchup was like me writing in my journal when Mike and I were alone because it was my avoidance of the fact that I had Mike and not Edward.

I started on the fries. They weren't fantastic- crispy on the outside and kind of undercooked and mushy on the inside. I sighed as I popped the fourth fry in my mouth. A piece got caught behind my teeth in the back. I focused and wiggling it free with my tongue.

God. How lame had my life become.

Mike was talking. Was it wrong of me to not be listening? I zeroed in on what it was about. The shop. The new hiking season was starting.

Hell no, it wasn't rude to ignore him. It was actually an insult to injury for me to have to hear about the latest craze in mountain boots versus having a stimulating conversation in which we both could participate.

I was sucked back in time in my mind. The two of us sitting at a lab table, dividing up the duties we would share as husband and wife. My throat was suddenly dry at the memory.

Even back then, I had known a relationship between Mike and me could never work. I reminded myself why I was going through with this. Alice's words_, he's holding on Bella. You have to let him go_. I swallowed. That day in Sociology class, I told myself the only reason I would ever end up with anyone but Edward was because they knocked me up.

Fate was a vile, ruthless bitch to me. And Edward...

_Edward_.

I got another post card in the mail today. Got one every two weeks. I still couldn't believe it. They never had a return address, and there was never any words attached. But just like I was an eleven year old kid again, I was getting my pictures from Edward.

It made the belief that he had paid for my book to be published all the more strong.

That day I got the envelope, sixth months ago, I found the post card of the abstract apple in my hands and the tears were flowing down my cheeks.

He still loved me.

And he was still holding on.

I dipped my already red fry in some more ketchup from my plate and thought about him. I was so Forest Gump sometimes. I pulled out my notebook and wrote that down.

_In the quiet moments when the bustle of life and chatter of the diner was around her, Bea would retreat from her world and be lost thinking about Mason_.

"New plot twist?" Mike asked excitedly. I stared at him for a minute. I would never get used to the fact that Mike was genuinely interested in my stories. Or even that he was concerned with me at all. It felt so... weird to have someone notice me as frequently as he did.

Maybe not that he noticed, just that I noticed that he noticed. I was used to just feeling Edward. Knowing he knew me. I didn't feel as on display when I was with Edward as I did with Mike.

Mike was never mister right for me; he was always mister almost passable at best.

It was like when you had two pieces of a puzzle that didn't go together but you just kept coming back to trying to make them fit. They both had a straight edge, and they both had that streak of green that ran through the middle, but the box peg didn't match the rounded cut out space.

The rounded peg was off doing whatever he damned well pleased. While the box tried to fill in but... he just wasn't the right fit.

"Yah," I lied. It was the same old plot- same old twist in my stomach as I lived it in person too.

I dipped another fry. My phone vibrated and played the throne music from Star Wars. Mike snickered at the sound.

"Dweeb," he mocked. I stuck my tongue out at him- which of course looked mutilated from the tomato sauce that I was trying to replace my own blood with.

"Missed call," I said as I pulled the device from the case I had custom designed with the help of that nice tattooed boy at Hot Topic when I was in Portland last summer.

I looked up the number. Renee.

My guts squeezed. There were times in your life when you just knew that something bad was going to happen. I had barely spoken to Renee in nearly ten years.

She would only be calling me for one reason.

**-**-Bookends-**-**

There were phone calls and car rides. I know I got in to more than one car. I know I sat in more than one chair. I know that a bag was packed- by Mike or me I don't know.

I know that I felt cold.

Freezing. At least cold was something, it was better than numb. I just kept reminding myself that. At least I was feeling something.

Alice and Jazz and even Em and Rose were not in town. It was just me. Just me... and Mike.

Mom? Where was my mom? I wanted her to hold me.

I got as far as the hospital door.

Room three eighteen. I stood there in the hallway. I was terrified.

Lost.

Cold.

Freezing.

Mike stepped in and I didn't even see anything- images of a bed and sheets bunched over a pair of legs. A sad faced man sitting by the bed. Maybe a hint of Renee by the window.

I turned and kept walking.

There was nowhere to go.

There would be no one waiting for me when I got there.

I just couldn't be here.

-**-Bookends-**-

EPOV

Victoria. Still only a handful of hours away from where she lived and yet I'm sure she still never heard from him.

_Poor Bella_. I hissed at the thought of her. It was the good kind of pain. The kind that reminded you that you were still alive- a sting followed by a warmth. I didn't need a drink. I didn't even need to sketch.

I just needed her.

That buzzing collection of sounds in my mind started up faintly again. I had been hearing music in my mind since that day I left Italy. A melody that seemed to sweep through the air around me. Instead of the peaceful tune that it had been it was... an angry arrangement of noise. I shook my head to focus.

My heart was both breaking and rejuvenating at the same time. I had forgotten what it felt like in my chest. Just the thought of her name was bringing it back. It was a flood of anguish but only after the tidal wave of expectance.

It was like that first night I decided to send her the apple. It was dumb. I had hoped it would encourage her to find me, talk to me. I made myself pretty public in New York I had hoped she would notice me. Call me.

But there was never an indication from Bella that she wanted to know me anymore. Like the love sick idiot that I was I just kept sending her post cards. I was always just hoping that the next one would end the rejection and bring her back to me.

We had to catch flights out of town. The jet was down for the yearly maintenance check. Carlisle was livid at the prospect of having to fly like everyone else. I couldn't help the chuckle that came out at the counter. It was worth the glare I got from both Alice and Esme. It was funny.

Rose and Em hit the earliest flight since they left before any of us even knew where they were going.

Alice, Jazz and I got the last three seats on the next flight, which left exactly ten minutes from the time we arrived. Esme and Carlisle would be on the last flight that didn't leave for another two hours.

"We could practically drive there in that time," Carlisle mumbled under his breath.

"Well Edward could," Alice joked. I winked at her.

"Damn straight." Especially in the Vanquish. I was reluctant to leave it parked at the airport extended parking lot for God knew how long. I frowned as I cast one last glance toward the parking lot.

Bella's face was suddenly in my head.

No contest. I choose the girl.

I had to get down there. My car was nothing compared to the person that really needed me. It was just a toy. She was life itself.

Esme kissed my cheek when they called our flight. I had to get used to that I guessed.

"Hold her until I get there," she whispered. I just nodded. I knew out of everyone in Bella's life, Esme valued the life of that girl in the same way I did. She was everything. And we needed her safe and happy.

Jazz knew the broken side. Alice knew the innocent side. Em knew the weak side. But I knew her. My side. My girl.

My Bella.

**-**-Bookends-**-**

"A taxi," Alice whined. I glared at her.

"Not everyone is made of money, Squirt."

"You are. We are." She waved between Jazz and herself. I continued to allow my mood to shine through my eyes.

"Time. We aren't made of that then." Jazz agreed and with that the pixie bitch let it drop.

My foot bobbed with anxiety, my knee bouncing the entire ride to the hospital. Alice tried to calm me by putting her hand on my thigh. It didn't matter. There was only one touch that would calm me right now. We were almost there.

The hospital looked pretentious from the outside. Leave it to Swan to find an uppity hospital to die in.

Jazz stalled slightly as we were getting out of the cab. His eyes watched the building like it was going to suddenly come to life and start chasing him.

"What?" I hissed.

He swallowed and shook his head. "Nothing," he mumbled, shoving past me.

Alice looked from the building to the retreating back of her husband and then to me. "Shrinks... ya know."

Her shoulder shrug didn't shake the unease I was having over Jazz's reluctance. He knew this place, but from what? We never stayed in Victoria long enough to have to go to the doctor. The only people I ever knew who lived in Victoria were Bella and Emmett.

What the hell had happened here?

Somber would have been a polite way of describing the scene inside. Emmett and Rose were in the lobby. Em looked ready to throw the front desk through the window and Rose just cried quietly beside him.

"Oh God!" Alice said suddenly. "He didn't... _already_."

Em just growled and stalked over to the doors. Jazz followed to calm him down. I didn't miss the relief on my brother's face from having an excuse to not be inside this place.

Rose shook her head. Alice sat next to her and put her arm over her shoulders. It was a big feat for someone as small as Alice with someone with shoulders like Rose. I tried to contain my anxiety with control- I paced.

"No. He's not. He _is_ critical though." Rose looked over at Em who was barking a string of profanities. Jazz threw a pathetic glance our way and dragged Em from the room. Carlisle and Esme would be here soon. They would help him calm Em down.

"They won't let us in." My eyes snapped down to Rose's sad face.

"What the fuck do you mean?" I seethed.

Her breath was ragged when she leveled me with her brown, nearly black eyes of contempt.

"We're unacceptable."

For once I was glad to not be the reason for Rose's anger- but my fists clenched hard enough to crack coal into diamonds.

All of the sudden the words that Em had shouted seemed like toddler speech as I thought about the fuckers in that room upstairs. I could see them. Volterra with her sneer of malice. Swan with his... his...

"Assholes," I grumbled.

"What?" Alice asked raising her brows. "Not fucking motherfuckers?"

I shook my head. "They're pure evil, Al." She nodded in agreement.

"You okay honey?" she asked Rose.

"Yah. I have to go calm down the beast." Em's roars were easily heard each time the double sliding doors opened.

"And if they think for one goddamn second that MY WIFE... MY _WIFE _is not good enough for them..."

She sighed. "Really, I guess it's good that I find it sweet."

Alice giggled. I rolled my eyes.

"Come on." Alice weaved her fingers through mine once we were alone in the lobby. "They said he was on the third floor." The elevator felt like a shrinking box around me.

I glared when it stopped on the second floor. The old guy who looked to be taking his morning stroll through the corridors thought twice and didn't get on. _Fucker_. He just cost me some valuable seconds.

"Three eighteen," Alice said. She pointed to a row of identical doorways. Some were open most were closed. There was a small waiting room just off the elevator. It was empty.

I thought of Em and Rose downstairs. My knuckles popped with the force of my rage. _Don't do anything stupid Edward. Think of the girl_.

The girl.

My girl.

My Bella...

Bella. My heart flipped in my chest. I hadn't seen her in five years. I hadn't seen the healthy and happy Bella that Alice told me she was now in almost a decade. My feet stopped just before the door.

"Edward?" Alice turned back to look at me.

"You made it," that damn voice from my nightmares called. He was standing at the other end of the hallway. I swallowed down the violent rage that now threatened to consume me when I looked up to see Newton walking toward us.

I seethed. Alice worked her hand out of mine and put it on my chest. "You want to wait out here?" She asked quietly, too low for Newton to hear. I shook my head.

If Bella was in there then that was where I belonged too.

"Hiya, Alice." Mike leaned in to hug my sister. I couldn't help the growl that rumbled in my chest. He cast me a fearful glance. "Hey, Edward." his voice was shaky.

Alice elbowed me.

"Hi," I said through tight lips.

"How is he Mike?" Alice asked as if she really gave a crap. I stood impressed.

"Not great. He was diagnosed about three months ago with stomach cancer. They're really surprised how well he's been for as long as he has but... it's spreading."

My father passed when I was seven years old. I remembered on the day that my mother took us to the church to view his body in the casket I never felt a moment of sadness. I remembered with perfect clarity the second the joy bubbled up inside me and spread across my face. The day Ed Masen died was a good day.

I couldn't smile now for what was happening to Charlie. I had no idea how Bella was taking it.

I glared at the blue-eyed blond boy in front of me. He was holding two cups of coffee. He was standing here like it was his father in that room. He was using possessive pronouns that subconsciously warned others that he was in a partnership with a member of the family in there.

My chest was heavy and my breathing sped.

"Really?" Alice said. I realized I hadn't been paying attention to a damn word Newton had said. He just wasn't that interesting to listen to.

I wondered why we were still in the hall. I pushed past their exchange intent on just walking in alone, when the words that forced my own body to jump into a critical state of desolation fell from his mouth.

"Yah," the blond jerk confirmed. "She said 'yes'. We are hoping for a winter wedding..." For the briefest of seconds I stood an inch from the doorknob, my hand poised to turn it, and hoped like hell he was talking about Renee. Pleading with the God that had hated me so violently all of my life, that Mike had moved on since Alice's letter two years ago that warned me that Bella was dating the only boy I ever hated.

I had all but convinced myself that the Mrs. Robinson scenario was suited for him and then he ruined it all.

"You know how Bella loves the winter."

Fuck.

My hand dropped to my side. I couldn't breathe. There was air all around me. I could feel it cooling the suddenly over heated skin on my forehead and neck. I could feel it trying to pass through my lungs but my body was refusing to hold on to it.

"Edward you're purple," Alice whispered as she passed me to open the door. I couldn't help it.

I had spent almost my entire life in love with Isabella Swan. I had spent my entire teen years surrounded by her- intoxicated with her. When I left home as a young man it was with Bella by my side. I bought her an fucking ring and kept it near me always.

But Mike fucking Newton spends one summer with her and they have a wedding all planned out for winter.

Fuck. Bella in a gown of white lace- the sleeves as long as her arms. The bodice fitted and soft around her curves. The train long and flowing like the ends of a dream. Her green eyes sparkling with quiet love... but not for me.

I closed my eyes. "You okay man?" Mike asked as he followed Alice in. I bit down and grinded my teeth against the fury rising in me.

_Don't fucking talk to me Newton. I'll crack your skull in my hand_.

I silently glared and he took the hint.

I glanced in the room when the door opened. Alice came back out immediately, tears streaming down her face. I was frozen. My eyes scanned the room.

Renee was by the window with a tissue in her hand. The girl, Vanessa, was sitting in the chair in the corner. Her knees were up against her chest and her sobs were not muffled by the obstruction. Puny was sitting on the side of the bed talking animatedly. I guessed Charlie was awake.

Mike walked in and handed his second cup of coffee to Renee. She thanked him and he turned to lean against the wall next to her.

It was like they were all watching some morbid television show. They were too fascinated to pull their eyes away from the bed until a commercial break. I shook my head and blinked back the rage.

I hated hospitals. But then I had spent a hell of a lot of time in them as a kid. They smelled funny- they made a person remember their own mortality. I kept my eyes roaming over the scene.

I didn't see her. Maybe she was covered by the wall connected to the door. I took one step into the room.

No. No Bella.

"Edward, how good of you to come," Renee said sweetly. I grimaced at her- my attempt at a smile.

Bella wasn't in here. My brows were knitted as I processed that.

"I haven't seen her since yesterday," Mike remarked calmly. "I think she wants to be alone."

I glowered at him and he turned his face to Charlie's bed with fear in his eyes.

Hadn't seen her since yesterday? YESTERDAY! How in the hell did he get that ring on her finger? I turned and fled the room. I had no idea where I was going. But I knew Bella better than I knew anyone on this earth.

She was in the hospital somewhere-but where?

I ran up the hall. Alice was sitting in the waiting room that was a few doors down from Charlie's room. I knew Bella wouldn't be there. I took the elevator up three floors.

I walked the hallways quickly but discretely. My hands in my pockets. I glanced up as I passed each small waiting room. Plenty of people but none of them were Bella.

I did that on every floor. Finally I headed down and stepped out on floor 4-delivery. I could hear the babies crying in the nursery from down the hall. But I couldn't see them. That section was restricted and required that you had a security badge to get by. I figured that was too much work for Bella to want to go through. I almost got straight back on the elevator but I noticed there was a waiting room right around the corner in the hall. Like all the others I had hit on the last few floors the room was dark. I assumed it was empty. Something was pulling me towards the door regardless.

It was a tugging sensation in my chest- something palpable that simply wouldn't let me walk away from that room without going inside. The melody in my mind was screeching and promising to quiet if I only walked through that door.

I drew in a deep breath to steady my nerves.

I suppose other people would have expected to find Bella crying in agony when they found her here.

I didn't. I found her exactly as I knew I would. She was sitting in a chair facing a television that was not on. The lights were turned off and since it was night outside there were only the moon offered light on the scene. She sat like she was waiting for something. Her arms were on the armrests and her eyes were staring at memories in her head.

I wasted no time once I saw her. My brain didn't even process the fact that I was looking at her- at Bella. My body just reacted like it had always done with her.

I shut the door behind me and walked over to her. I fell to my knees in front of her. And put my hands on her thighs. Those eyes- so distant in their sage depths slowly wandered down to my face.

I waited. I would wait an eternity for those eyes to find mine. When she looked at me I felt like I was... coming back to life. My palms felt tingly where they touched her legs- a low pulse of our electric bond throbbing from the contact.

Her eyes were hollowed in grief. Her cheeks were sallow in the darkness. There wasn't even the hint of tears on her face. She breathed normally. She just looked... lost.

I said nothing.

I pushed out with my part of our bond and felt my hands grow warmer against her legs. She in turn was silent. Her eyes slowly hardened with realization that I was not a figment of her imagination.

She hadn't expected anyone to look for her, or to find her. But I wasn't just anybody. I applied more pressure to her thighs- lost in her darkening eyes.

Still without speaking she slowly spread her legs- inviting me to move closer to her.

I did.

My touch never left her body as I slid my hands up to her waist. I encircled her little form with my shielding arms. I turned my head to rest my ear over the strong beating heart in her chest. It skipped a beat when I sighed at the reassurance of its existence.

We sat like that for a limitless time. It could have been a matter of seconds but it felt like an eternity. I pushed the overwhelming torrent of questions that bubbled in me to the side. I would analyze this later. For now I was where I needed to be.

I felt full. Complete. Whole, once more.

Eventually I felt her little hands smooth up my arms. I neither tightened nor loosened my hold around her. I sat perfectly still. Her hands tangled in my hair and I closed my eyes.

Wow. Her touch was more explosive and maddeningly stimulating than I remembered.

I felt her body move forward. Her nose was against my hair. Her arms circled my shoulders as her lips rested against my skin.

My heart squeezed- I was home.

"Edward," she breathed. I just nodded.

Her arms tightened around me and mine followed suit.

We fell into an easy silence and sat there holding each other.

No questions.

No tears.

Just us.

I held her until I felt her body grow limp and her arms relaxed around me. She never dropped her hold on me, but I could feel resistance leaving her body. I pulled back slowly.

Bella sat there, her eyes closed and her breath even. She had fallen asleep. She whimpered at the sudden rush of cool air that pooled between us. I immediately missed her warmth as well.

I sat, still encircled in her embrace and keeping one of my arms still around her. I pulled out my phone.

"Alice," I said when she answered. I could tell she was still in the hospital. She didn't say anything so I took that as my cue. "Fourth floor waiting room," was all I said. I hung up the phone.

I went back to watching her sleep.

She looked very different from the girl I left here five years ago. Her hair was short- in that layered bob that bounced around a girl's head with the slightest movement.

Her features were slightly more matured- she _had_ moved into her twenties since I last saw her. I smirked as I realized she looked more and more like Esme. She even had the mom worry line between her eyebrows. I ran the tip of my finger over that line.

I sighed. But for all the subtle changes that I could find fascinating for as long as I looked upon her face, I could see that she had not changed that much. The pain was still at the forefront of her eyes. The sullen slump in her shoulders told me she was still defensive and ready to fight. She still preferred to sit in the dark all alone rather than allow someone to see her in pain.

"I'm sorry, my love," I whispered to her now lightly snoring form. I smoothed her bangs from her forehead. She whimpered quietly again and nudged my hand with her head.

I smiled. I ran my fingers through her hair-it's what she wanted me to do. _You are such a sub to her whims, Edward_. Erebos would complain.

How amazing that I had spent five years reconstructing myself. I was a business savvy art dealer. A fairly acclaimed artist. I had traveled the world and figured out who I was down to the last well placed hair on my tousled lock filled head. I had cast off as much as the old Edward Masen that I could. I even approached my relationships with my family as the renewed Edward Cullen now to affirm the shift in identity.

I had changed.

But no matter how much I did, I could never unlearn this. I could never deny the sheer force of will that was Bella's need. If it was in my power to fulfill her wishes, I _had_ to do it. Hell, even if it wasn't in my power I still felt compelled to find a way.

_Embrace that Edward, but realize that you do not have to be weak to serve her. What she needs more than anything is for you to take care of her. Lead her. Guide her... Dominate her_.

A shiver ran through me at my mentor's words. I wasn't exactly sure I could do it.

Five years melted away and I was a scared kid staring at his fading love. She was in so much pain- and I didn't believe she even realized it.

I had heard everything about Bella's life from Alice and Esme over the years. I knew she was back to her old self. She had gone to college. She was following her dreams and was working on publishing her second novel. I kept a copy of the first on my bedside table. I knew that in almost every aspect of her life she was also changed and was even happy.

But there was still an ache that I was sure only I could see. I saw it that first time at her father's house. We were just babies back then- I was a dumb kid who thought it something simple for her to worry over. The fact that her father never showed her a moment of love, the hurt in Bella's eyes that said maybe I should stop hoping he ever will.

She masked it well. And for a handful of years I helped her find plenty of other mistakes to throw over it to make it appear as though she had moved on.

But she hadn't. She couldn't. He was her father.

In her silence in this room with me tonight Bella was screaming in agony.

I didn't want to do it. I didn't really want to share her with anyone. The old Edward would have just let her sleep until she told him what to do next.

I wasn't him anymore. She was in pain, yes, but I was here to help alleviate it. I was here to guide her through it. I reached out a hand and traced her cheek with my finger.

"Bella," I whispered.

She moaned.

I smiled when she nuzzled my neck with her little face. She felt so right in my arms.

"It's time to wake up."


	32. A true love of mine

**Bookends By: Bella's Executioner.**

**Rating: M- this means if you're under 16 you are agreeing to break your own ToS by reading this and I'm not your mother so be responsible for yourself.**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is the sole owner of the world of Twilight. She is Bella's creator. I am Bella's Executioner.**

**A/N: Bookends is the very first fanfiction I started writing. It's been on this site, moved and come back. It has errors, fuck ups and lots of proofs that I'm human but it also has all of my heart and soul in it. I welcome you into this world of pain and love and hope that you enjoy. I also welcome your thoughts as you read—pm me or review and I'll be happy to discuss the story with you.**

**Much love to my beta TwilightMomofTwo. She's a rock of support and puts up with my grammar issues. Check out her stories on this site- she's entered two contests. Show her some love and tell her Qute sent you.**

**Chapter 32: True love of mine**

**-**-Bookends-**-**

"Remember me to one who lives there. She once was **a true love of mine**." Scarborough Fair (Paul Simon)

Angel (Sarah McLachlan)

Spend all your time waiting  
For that one second chance  
For the break that would make it okay  
There's always one reason  
To feel not good enough  
And it's hard at the end of the day  
I need some distraction  
Oh beautiful release  
Memory seeps from my veins  
Let me be empty  
And weightless and maybe  
I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of the angel  
Fly away from here  
From this dark cold hotel room  
And the endlessness that you fear  
You are pulled from the wreckage  
Of your silent reverie  
You're in the arms of the angel  
May you find some comfort here

So tired of this straight life  
And everywhere you turn  
There's vultures and thieves at your back  
And the storm keeps on twisting  
You keep on building the lie  
That you make up for all that you lack  
It don't make no difference  
Escaping one last time  
It's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh  
This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

In the arms of the angel  
Fly away from here  
From this dark cold hotel room  
And the endlessness that you fear  
You are pulled from the wreckage  
Of your silent reverie  
You're in the arms of the angel  
May you find some comfort here  
You're in the arms of the angel  
May you find some comfort here

"So what you're saying is, I'm your brand of heroin?"

"Yes, you are _exactly _my brand of heroin." (Edward and Bella, _Twilight_, Stephenie Meyer.)

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**APOV**

I stared at my phone, clutched tightly in my hand.

He found her.

Of course he found her. He was a damn blood hound when it came to that girl.

His girl.

I drew in a deep, ragged breath as I looked around the empty waiting room. It was unfathomable to me.

Here a man lay dying and no one was waiting in this room. There were the ones he loved in the room with him. And the ones who desperately ached for his love that were hurting in other places close by.

But no one was waiting here.

I stood, remembering the first time I was in this hospital.

I was four years old and covered in burns on my hips and thighs. Not too many people remember that far back in their lives.

Most days, the memories were lost to me, too.

But today, I couldn't erase the image of the nurse as she watched me with horror in her eyes. It was the first time someone had done that. Shown some sort of… remorse for what had happened to me. Proven that what I endured everyday was not right.

_They _called it punishment.

I called it hell.

This place had been some twisted sanctuary to me. I almost relished being hurt, since it meant I got to visit this peaceful building and the people who cared about keeping people from being in pain.

I stood off to the side in the elevator as a young woman and her son got on. He looked to be around three or four years old. All smiles and wide eyes. The woman was whispering to him about something that made his smile grow.

Just like it did every time I saw a woman with her child, I ached to know my mother.

None of my party were waiting in the lobby when I exited the elevator. I could see them all standing outside, near the front entrance. I didn't mind that one bit. I could use a bit of fresh air myself.

Esme was holding Rose and nodding her head. I didn't stop to hear what they were talking about. It hurt, even though Charles Swan was nothing to me, for me to remember that empty room upstairs with all these tears down here.

Em was talking to Carlisle just past the two women embraced in pain. He had his arms crossed over his chest and a stern look on his face. The sight of his face made my face unconsciously harden as I walked past him. Out of the corner of his eye he noticed me, and I didn't miss the smirk he fought at the sight of gruff Alice.

I rolled my eyes, but nearly smiled myself.

Again, the image of that empty room hit me square in the chest.

My husband was off by himself. He sat on the curb, his arms draped over his bent knees and his face paler than the ivory silk of the slip under my skirt.

"Hey, baby," he whispered as I put my hand gently on his shoulder.

"Is this the… where she came?"

He nodded. I had suggested we visit British Columbia several times over the years. Victoria was a beautiful city. But Jazz would always shudder at the thought of accidentally ending up here.

"When was the last time?"

"Last summer… when we visited the cemetery. She wanted to see it. She couldn't remember it. Thought it was on the other side of town." He shook his head and watched his hands as if they held his past.

I sat beside him and put my hand on top of his joined hands. He laced my fingers with his and continued.

"She didn't want to go to maternity. She…. Didn't want to hear the babies crying….She never got to hear her baby cry." A tear slipped down his cheek, and I just tightened my grip on his hands.

"Did I do the right thing, Alice? Bringing her here?" He looked up to the dark sky as if the answers were out there, waiting for us to find them.

"I should have made her tell Esme. I should have told Carlisle. I was just a stupid…"

"Kid," I whispered. He drew in a steadying breath and nodded in agreement. "We all were, Jazz. Just babies ourselves." I wiped his tears away with my free hand and cupped his cheek. He sighed and leaned into my touch.

"What floor is maternity on?"

"Fourth floor," he confirmed as if the number four had suddenly replaced the seven deadly sins.

"She's coming back, Jazz. I know it. They're together now, and it's going to get better."

He huffed and stood, my hand released and unceremoniously dropped. "Even now, you have time to plot about that?"

I glared up at him. Plot? I had never plotted anything. I had only hoped to help guide my family on their natural course.

"They need each other, Jazz."

He chuckled, a dark and almost scary sound. "They don't _need _us to tell them that Alice."

With that, he turned on his heel and headed down the sidewalk away from the hospital. I assumed he was going to the hotel. I hoped I would see him later tonight when I made it there myself.

I didn't run after him and demand his apology. I didn't need one. I knew what he meant. He knew what I meant. When we saw each other in person again, we would stand in each other's embrace and talk it out in our eyes. Forgive and accept and move on.

There would never be an empty waiting room for us.

"He's bringing her down now, Esme," I said, turning back to my family.

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**BPOV**

It was so noisy in the lobby. I couldn't really make out any faces. I didn't talk to anyone. I just wanted to put my hands over my ears and stop all the noise.

He wasn't touching me. He hadn't touched me since I woke up. He just stood up and held out his hand, waiting to help me out of the chair. Once I was standing next to him, he released my hand like I had burned his flesh with my own.

I flexed my hand at my side. I could still feel the tingle of his touch against me. How had I lived for so long without that charge from his body? I felt like my skin was barely containing that pulse that he had restarted in my heart.

In the middle of this damn gloomy hospital, where I felt a piece of myself dying, it felt like Edward was bringing me back to life.

Edward was life. I learned that long ago.

_And you drained that life from your life, Bella. _

I looked over at him. Edward stood next to Alice. Saying nothing. Not moving. But watching. His eyes were fixed on me. Staring and intense. I shivered at the memory of how he held me upstairs.

It wasn't sexual but it was, at the same time,… _invigorating_.

It never felt like this when Mike held me.

Did Mike ever hold me?

"Bella?" Mom's face was in front of me. How long had it been since I'd seen her? "Do you want to go up and say good night?"

I watched her lips. Was she serious? What the hell did I have to say to that man? To any of them?

I turned my head and spied my brother leaning against the wall next to the elevators. "Come on, Bells, I'm going up, too."

His voice was so… sad. Resigned.

I stood there for a moment. Lost. Edward was standing so far away from me. I panicked, looking up to his eyes with a pleading worry in mine.

"Come with me?" I begged. He nodded—looking a little annoyed that that wasn't just implied.

I wrung my hands the entire ride up. I didn't miss the charged air in the tiny space of the elevator. Em was watching Edward like some lion waiting to snap a zebra's neck. Edward was passive and reserved. I had no way to tell how he was feeling. I figured the very fact that he was here, in Victoria, meant he still cared about me.

_Is that really how he feels, Bella? _my inner bitch prodded. _Or is that just what you want him to feel?_

I rolled my eyes. If nothing else, the hope that Edward was here because he loved me and wanted to support me was distracting me from what was really going on. I couldn't process what was happening here. There were too many emotions battling in my head for me to accept any of this as real.

My feet stalled a little by the door. Edward didn't say anything, but he also didn't let me leave. He just waited next to me. Silently. Patiently.

I peeked up at him and he didn't look down at me, he just kept staring at the door and waiting for me to finally walk towards it.

Who was this guy? This wasn't my Edward.

Had he moved on like I had hoped he would? I cringed at the thought. It was best that he did, but… how could I survive in a world without Edward?

I took a deep breath. I really didn't want to go in here. Maybe Edward could just…

"Come on," he whispered softly, reaching his hand out and grabbing mine. He pulled me forward without looking at me.

I blinked at him in mild shock.

_Come on_? Did he not remember the years that I had feared what was lying on the other side of that door? Had he forgotten everything about me?

I followed him. I would follow him anywhere. I bit my lip and tried not to cry as I felt the most alone I had ever felt in my life.

Edward had moved on.

I pulled my hand from his as I entered the room. I needed to move on myself. Or at least not give him any different impression.

"B," Mike's arms were suddenly around me. It felt so wrong to be embraced by these arms.

I felt cold all over again. Though the charge was still running through my body and making me slightly edgy. I just wanted this day to end. Wanted to not be here anymore.

Wanted to find some place to hide…with Edward. Forever.

I fabricated affection in my attempt to smile up at Mike. But my eyes scanned back behind us to where he stood next to Emmett.

Em was glaring the figure in the bed down. His eyes were feral and angry. His body practically vibrated. What the hell had happened when he got here? I looked around for Rose. She would help calm him down.

That's when it hit me...

Rose.

She wasn't here.

Fuck.

I sighed. Maybe once he was dead, we could finally start living our lives without fearing his judgment.

I bit the inside of my cheek. What the fuck did I just think? _Once he was dead_. Wow. Even the bitch in me was stunned for a breath.

Was I now some vindictive, soulless monster who was plotting her father's death?

_No_, inner me warned. _You're just at the end of your road now. This path has ended and you are ready for a new one to begin._

I shuddered and shifted my eyes from the shaking body of my brother to the deathly still body of my former lover.

Edward was…self possessed. He seemed so much taller, older. His jaw was lined with a dusting of stubble. I wondered what it would feel like against my skin. It was bronze and alluring…just like every other hair on his body.

I was captivated.

He never once looked at me. I wondered if it was wrong that I never once stopped looking at him. Everyone else watched the scene in front of me. They listened to the monitors that told us Charlie was still alive.

I kept my eyes behind the scene.

Towards Edward.

He had changed so much. And here I was… same old fucked in the head Bella.

Mike's arms squeezed tighter around me. Fuck. Mike.

I was never more regretful of finally giving in and just saying 'yes' than I was right now. It had only been one week. One stupid fucking week since he officially brought a ring by my apartment and slid it on my finger.

It felt like the thing weighed fifty pounds on my hand. Some lead weight that would keep me from moving from this spot, trapped in Mike's arms forever.

I shuddered again.

How many more dumbass mistakes could I possibly make in my life?

"Are you cold, sweetheart?" Mike murmured softly to me.

I noted the slightest break in Mr. Cullen's cool façade. He cringed when Mike called me 'sweetheart'. My subconscious stored that information for a time when I could analyze it.

"Yah... I think I'm just gonna head over to… the house." I swallowed around the word. I would much rather stay in a hotel. But we weren't rich and the house was free.

"Okay, I gotta get back to the shop early tomorrow. I'm going to stay here and catch a cab to the harbor so I can get the last ferry out tonight." He kissed my forehead and I nodded like I gave a fuck and understood all the stuff he was saying.

"You sure you're going to be okay all alone there?"

Fuck. I hadn't thought about that—the fact that I would be completely and totally alone there. Renee and the children of the corn would be staying at the lake house. It was a bit of a drive away from the main house. I know Mom would insist I get a room at her hotel that I even stay with her in her room, but I really didn't want to stay with anyone.

I wanted to be alone with my thoughts.

Or alone with that man with the haunting brown eyes and flaming bronze hair.

I nodded, without looking back at Mike.

"Kay, Babycakes." Mike kissed me swift and hard on the lips. I was too shocked to react. I usually needed a little bit of warning before I let Mike touch me that…intimately.

_You are so fucked up, Bella, _inner me thought. This time, I had to agree with her.

"Safe trip," I whispered and patted his shoulder not affectionately and slightly detached.

I glanced over at Renee and nodded a goodbye. I ignored the demon kids. And couldn't bring myself to look at the bed.

There was nothing there I wanted to see.

"I'll go with you."

It wasn't the voice I had hoped to hear say those words. But as long as it belonged to one of the two men in the elevator with me I was happy. I really couldn't say I was disappointed that my brother was willing to stay at the house tonight.

Out anyone in the world, Em was the only person who knew what it felt like to be me where my dad was concerned. Em was the only other child of Esme and Charlie Swan. We might have had different experiences with him, but we were both in the same boat in so many ways.

"One last goodbye," he murmured under his breath.

I had to agree. Whether either of us ever admitted it or not, that house had been a home for us. Not a home in the true meaning of the word, but a place where we had grown up.

It was the place where Edward first found me.

And saved me.

He was not touching me as we rode down to the lobby. He did not look at me as we all exchanged hugs and information on where everyone would be staying. Only Rose, Em and I would be at the main house. Everyone else was booked at the Fairmont Empress. A swanky place.

He didn't speak to me or look at me while we were in the lobby. Carlisle had called for cars for all of them to use while they were here.

What must it be like to have that kind of money? My dad had that kind of money.

But I never had it.

I sat in the backseat and watched the rain slowly start to fall. Every minute of my life seemed drenched in rain.

I was taken back to a time when I believed the rain to be some sign of time lost. I supposed if it still was… I had now lost millions of moments. Each as delicate and as slippery as every rain drop outside.

Fallen time that splattered and washed away in the palm of your hand.

You can't stop time. You can't hold it and keep it locked away.

You can only hope to be out in the middle of the storm when the rain comes down, otherwise the chances in life will pass you by and you will dry up and blow away like dust in the wind.

Death was a funny thing.

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**(Swan family home)**

I lay on my back, staring up at the canopy of the bed I dreaded so much as a child. It held no wonder or fear for me now.

"Fucking asshole!" I moved my arm to my forehead and glared at the ceiling. This room hadn't changed in twenty years. It still felt like I was sleeping in some stranger's bed.

I was.

I could never be the person my father wanted me to be.

I didn't think even he knew who that person was.

I watched the dark shadows moving above me… waiting.

For tears.

There was some swelling in my chest. My head hurt like someone had slapped me up one side and down the other.

I reached over and turned on the beside lamp. It still worked. When was the last possible time that it could have been changed? No one but me used this room. And I hadn't been here in nearly fifteen years.

I didn't need the light the way I had as a child. No longer was I afraid to walk boldly down the hall to the bathroom in the dark of this house. It was just a big, stupid house.

Maybe it wasn't so scary because I knew _he _wasn't here.

I got up, sitting cross-legged on the couch. The same damn couch that had been here most of my life. It didn't seem as big as it used to. It creaked under my adult form in a way it never did under the kid me, but it was the same stupid color, and still uncomfortable.

I ignored the television. I hadn't watched TV in years. The occasional movie perhaps but I found myself more and more drawn to music. I spent so much of my time writing and rewriting that watching shows just didn't interest me anymore.

Instead, I watched the world outside. It was two in the morning, but the backyard was awake. The moon was full and bright, peeking around dark rain clouds. The lake directly behind my room sparkled in the moonlight as the rain hit it.

I used to find a peace in the falling rain. I wasn't sure what peace felt like anymore. I had spent a few too many years trapped inside my head. Hidden under layers of grief so heavy that I doused out all light around me.

I had robbed Edward of so much. And watching him tonight I could see I still was.

"What in the hell are you doing, Bella?" I asked the darkness of my room.

This unnerving untouched fucking creepy room that summed up all of my fears. I cried myself to sleep in this room. Edward found me here. I discovered that I was pregnant here…

My eyes stung—my lips trying to quiver and my head feeling ready to explode. I wanted to cry.

I needed to cry.

But the tears never came.

Just some ache… deep inside me… an emptiness.

I blinked my eyes and watched the rain. I hugged my arms around me, remembering how it had felt when Edward held me just a handful of hours ago.

Remembering the morning I woke up in this very room with his arms around me.

That was home.

My cheeks flushed as the rush of life pumped through me once more at just the thought of being in his arms.

Edward.

I bit my lip. There were too many thoughts in my head. Too many desires and needs mixing and churning.

Again the ache rose in my chest and again, I just felt hollow and useless to relieve it.

He may not end it, but he would ease it.

He always eased it.

Edward.

I ran my hand through my hair, gripping it and rolling my shoulders. My knee started jumping without my conscious thought for it to move.

Edward.

It was wrong. I didn't deserve a minute of his time. I couldn't promise him anything past this moment.

Fuck.

I wanted him to move on and not want me, or need me the way I needed him.

I twirled the ring on my left hand around and around.

Edward.

My knee jumped harder.

The ache… the empty… no tears.

Why were there no tears?

_Maybe when he was dead…_

Death.

I could never want anything to die.

Did I wish my baby dead?

Just like I now begged for the relief from my father's—indifference.

Edward.

I rocked back and forth.

Edward…

Edward…

"Fuck!" I screamed and jumped to my feet. I pulled out my phone. Didn't give one flying fuck to how I looked and grabbed the keys to the rental car from the kitchen table.

"Alice," I said as I heard her sleepy voice on the other end of the line.

"Please."

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**RPOV**

I watched him brushing his teeth. I smirked to myself. He was always so meticulous with his own appearance. I wondered if he ever realized how much like Charlie he really was when it came to that. The details. Charlie could make a production out of the smallest things.

As could my Emmett.

I would never point it out to him. He would misunderstand me. Think that I was calling him Charlie Swan Jr..

I could understand the resentment that would follow, even if it would be misplaced. And I would spend the entire night assuring him that he was twice the man his father ever would be. I got that about him, so I didn't bring it up.

I had been told many times throughout my life that I reminded people of Mary.

Funny. I never thought of her as 'Mom'. The only person I had ever called Mom was Esme.

My father used to tell me I was too damn stubbornly independent like my mother. I had been affronted by that thought at first. She ditched us before I could even get a good look at her. She left my baby sister in that nightmare of an orphanage… I shuddered at the thought.

But I came to terms with the fact that whether or not Mary Alice Brandon Cullen made good choices in her life or not, she was who she wanted to be.

I would own that.

"What?" he had a smirk that mirrored my own as he stood next to the bed. I rolled my eyes.

"I was just reckoning with the truth that my husband spends more time getting pretty than I do," I sighed dramatically.

He chuckled and bent down to kiss me, hard and possessive on the lips. "That's because you're naturally gorgeous, Baby."

I sighed against his lips. What had I ever done in life that earned me this man beside me forever? Surely it was some mistake.

"Come on, let's get to sleep."

"Did you hear her yelling?" Em eased under the covers behind me and wrapped his arms around me. I clung to his biceps like he was the only thing keeping me afloat above freezing waters.

"And her getting dressed and heading out," he confirmed, leaning forward and kissing the back of my neck.

I closed my eyes. I wished every night before I went to sleep that Bella would find peace. Here I lay, a woman, born a man and cuddled next to the love of her life. I had felt trapped inside my own body for so long. And yet, I had no words to offer for my little sister on how she could break free of hers.

In many ways I was still trapped. I hugged the arms of security around me more tightly and tried not to remember the cold naked stares that we received when we arrived at the hospital.

I had hoped that when Volterra died that the animosity would die too. I hadn't realized she had just been the only one to have the balls to speak up.

Renee was welcoming, in the lobby. The kids didn't give their step-brother a second glance and Charlie insisted, though he lay dying, that Em not be allowed in the room if I was with him.

I tried to hold the tears until he was asleep but the few drops that fell were beyond my control.

"What is it baby?" he whispered. I bit my lip and turned my face toward my pillow. I needed to be strong for him. Support him. I had made my choice long ago to become who I was meant to be. I knew it wasn't going to be as easy as just putting on a wig and a dress.

He stood by me every single step of the way. Tried to hide the utter terror he had when I went under the knife.

I owed it to him to do the same.

"Rose…talk to me." I shook my head at the stupidity of my own tears. I wasn't even crying for the tragedy of the life that was about to be lost. I was crying because I was discriminated against.

_Real mature, Rose_.

"I'm fine," I lied.

"Na-huh." He rolled me over in his arms so that I was under him, flat on my back. I wanted to cover my face with my hands. To hide from him. I had never wanted to hide from anyone. I was a kid who came out in junior high, for crying out loud.

And I had come out to him. Leaned over and kissed him straight on the lips in broad daylight without any remorse.

Best damn thing I ever did, really.

But after how he was treated today… because of me….

"Look at me," he commanded. I complied. I really was a sucker for this man.

I stared straight up at him, my eyes burning with regrets I didn't even understand. His shone back, with a devotion that I could recognize like the reflection of my own soul.

We stayed locked like that—for who knows how long. I only blinked when I desperately had to, and he would only blink when I did.

"I love you," he vowed. I raised my hand to his cheek and ran my index finger along his brow and down his cheek bone. I smiled at him.

Then I flicked the center of his forehead with a slight snap.

"I know."

I smirked as the worry lines in his brow smoothed out and playful Emmett peeked out through his eyes.

He growled. "You're paying for that, Missy," he threatened.

I giggled and squirmed as he started tickling me all over - relentless and playfully biting me as often as he could.

Again, my brain wanted to bring the moment down. I had never shared a bed with Em in this house. Never had we fooled around anywhere near his father's life. And the very absolute realization that we were about to christen this house and bed with our physical love, made me smug as hell.

Foreplay aside, we were both teased and ready to just give over to each other. His lips claimed mine and I moaned loud enough to wake the neighbors. If Charlie Swan had had neighbors, that is.

He pulled my nightgown over my head, his eyes and hands moving slowly down my altered body.

"So fucking beautiful," he whispered. When he said that, and _only_ when _he_ said it, I really felt beautiful.

"I love you, Emmett Swan," I panted and let myself melt as he made love to me. Lips and tongues swirling together. I groaned as we joined and I arched my neck back to offer myself completely to him.

All raw passion mixed with pure tenderness. Sweat. Heat. Need. And release.

And as we peaked together, I couldn't help the total elation that came over me.

Tell me I can't be in your son's life…

_Fuck you, Charlie Swan_.

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**EPOV (hotel)**

"No, Kate," I sighed and loosened the top button on my shirt. I kicked out of my dress shoes; I really hated wearing those things. Sneakers and jeans were more my style.

"Edward, please, it would only be for a short term project. The investors are anxious to get something going soon or else they want to pull back to the east coast."

I pinched the bridge of my nose. "So let them pull out. I never really wanted a corporation here."

She sighed and the phone was silent for a second. There was one thing I learned from the years I had known Kate, she could only take so much of my bullshit. Then she would pull out her baseball bat and start swinging.

"Edward," her tone was clipped, almost charged with an anger that was electric. "I didn't work my butt off to build your business just to see you crap out on me at the finish line."

"Whoa… what business? I…" I stopped in front of the full mirror near the bathroom. I didn't recognize the guy standing there. He was dressed in a casual suit and holding a cell phone like he was someone important, making important calls for the good of his company. He looked… like Ed Masen before his accident.

As I did whenever I saw Ed staring back at me, I reminded myself that I was Edward. He was my father, but I was never him.

And never would be.

I pulled off my shirt and removed my watch. The tattoo on my abdomen was one more clue that Ed Masen lay in the ground and did not stand in this room. My reminder of that fact was simple and not flourished with my artistic signature, as Kate had tried to talk me into. It was simply one symbol. A 'B'.

I rubbed the tattoo and shook my head. "This isn't a business that I'm building, Kate. It's just a moment in my life."

"Don't give me that bullshit, Cullen."

I laughed as I pictured the fiery redhead leaning across her desk to slap me across the face as she said that.

"This is your future, whether it's with the deal you make with the Romanian investors or whatever the next proposal is. You belong in the art business."

I sat on the edge of the bed and tried to make that image fit. It didn't seem right. It was enjoyable for the moment sure. I would love to keep art a main staple in my life, but my eyes couldn't focus on that future.

The buzzing melody was building once more in my mind. It was making the images Kate tried to make me see—blur and fade.

"Where do you want to set up?"

"There's an empty studio on the corner of Harbor and Main." I could hear the smile in her voice. She thought she won this round. I rolled my eyes and laughed again.

"Okay, set it up. Pull out some of the note cards, they went well at the gala last month."

"What about the sketches?"

I considered it. The sketches were my favorite pieces in my collection - they were all reinterpreted versions of the post cards I had sent to Bella once upon a time.

"Pull out the prints and frame them."

"And the painting?" I groaned. Not again. She always had to bring up that fucking painting. It was the one and only time I had ever been possessed to use paint. Paint was more Erebos' medium than mine. He visited me a year ago and convinced me to indulge in some Bella memories.

Damn whiskey.

"No, Kate," I said through tight lips. The painting was private and had no place near a showing. I didn't care how good she thought it was. It was only for me… and for the person who was in it.

"One of these days, Eddie…"

I started to growl at her nickname for me. I hated having my name shortened. But a knock at the door stopped me.

Who the hell would be knocking on my door at - fuck, what time was it?

"Look… how many fucking times do I have to warn you about that painting? You know damn well I'm not bluffing. Remember that time in France when you tried to get the dealer to look at it…" I pulled open the door, ready to have it out with Kate one more time over that damn painting.

I froze. On the other side of the door, shivering and soaked through to her skin from the pouring rain outside, was Bella Swan.

Her eyes were pleading and her body was shaking.

I gaped at her like some slack-jawed idiot who couldn't see that she was freezing.

"Eddie?" the voice in my ear whined. I shut my phone and ended my call without a single word. Kate could wait.

My Bella was at my door.

I stared at the goddess in front of me. Gone was the dead light that had robbed me of my calm in the hospital… this girl… no, this _woman_, standing here now was _my _Bella.

One hundred percent my girl.

"Fuck me, Edward," she demanded as she pushed her way past me into the hotel suite. I drew in one long slow breath before I turned around.

She was already removing her clothes. I watched her with heavy eyes. I was more than ready to follow her command. It had been raining- and apparently it was very cold. Bella's clothes were soaking wet and her nipples strained against the fabric of her shirt, begging my lips to suck them. But it was wrong. She didn't deserve a useless fuck.

What the hell was I saying? Bella and I had never fucked. We had lost our virginity frantically when we were both too young to enjoy it. Everything since then had only been mild touching that would end in her shoving me away and neither of us being satisfied.

I had embraced a very healthy sexual appetite since I left Italy. Never with a partner but… I would never be able to desire any woman other than Bella. I had a healthy imagination, and long vivid memory of her naked body. Plus, there was always porn when I needed it.

Kate had made an invitation a time or two. The night I created that painting that I hid in my bedroom I had been drunk enough to almost take her offer. We made it as far as removing my shirt. Then I passed out on her couch.

Even inebriated I belonged only to Bella.

"Take a bath first, please," I said with a calm low voice. Her face was shocked for an instant. But there was a hint of promise in my words that was not lost on her. I didn't say that I wouldn't fuck her. I just wanted her to warm up first.

"Join me?" she pleaded breathlessly.

I closed my eyes for a single heartbeat. The last traces of the old Edward were gone when I opened them.

I wasn't terrified of putting my trust in her. I wasn't worried that her trust in me was misplaced. Wasn't afraid that if I reached out and held her that my flesh would burn away as it had in the past. I knew who I was. And I knew who she needed me to be.

That ring on her finger taunted me. I swallowed as my eyes were drawn to her left hand. I didn't say a word, and neither did she. She just took off the ring and unceremoniously dropped it on top of the television set.

My jaw clenched at the raw need in her eyes. My mind wanted to rejoice in the fact that she so effortlessly threw aside Mike's affection, but my heart warned that she just might do the same to me if given the choice.

"Please, Edward," she begged. "I can't be alone."

_You're never alone, baby_, I wanted to say. I wanted to promise her that I'd be standing right beside her forever.

But words failed me. I nodded and motioned for her to go first. As she passed and the scent of rain drops and heather hit me, my breath caught in my throat.

"Always," I mumbled even though her question no longer lingered in my ears.

I gave her a moment alone in the bathroom before I came in. It was awkward enough to just be around each other; being naked and that close to each other seemed like an impossible dream.

I rested my forehead against the cool wood of the door while I heard the sounds of the bath water running. I held my breath and waited for the sounds of her tears.

I had heard Bella cry more in my short life than I had heard her laugh. She mostly tried to contain her tears until the moments when she thought I was sleeping and unable to hear her.

But I always heard. I always knew.

I was a little unnerved when I realized that there was no sound coming from the bathroom beside the sound of the water running.

I opened the door slowly.

I was wrong to assume the old Edward could just fade away. What I found on the other side of the door was the Bella I had always feared coming face to face with.

She was always good at hiding this Bella in the bathroom just after we kissed or getting out of bed and not being near me when this took over.

For lack a better word this was…Crazy Bella.

I fucking wished she just tell me what the hell scared her so fucking badly to put her in this place in her head. I recognized the abused child behind her eyes when she was like this. There were many nights when I was a kid that Jazz would find me in this state. I knew what Jazz used to do to break me out of it.

I was fucking relieved she finally was okay with me seeing her like this. I hoped it meant she trusted me to help her through it.

_Don't be a fucking idiot, Cullen. You're the one who made her crazy in the first place._

I walked slowly to the tub and turned off the water. It was scalding hot, steam rising from the surface and making the small hotel bathroom misty and warm.

I returned to the shaking, frozen form of my girl. She was standing in the middle of the room. Still fully dressed and in a trance that had her shaking from some terror I had no name for.

I said nothing. She didn't need words right now. That's what had her trapped. Too many fucking words. Too many dumbass thoughts running through her head, making her feel lost and alone.

She needed to be reminded that she was never alone. Whether she stayed with me forever or married that rat bastard Newton.

I would be with her forever.

For the first time, I took a good look at what she was wearing. She was dressed in a ratty tank top and faded, oversized flannel pants that did not match the top. What the hell was she doing when she decided to come here tonight?

I touched her arms gently, making sure she could see me, my eyes. I promised her in the connection of our sight that I would not hurt her. She swallowed slowly and nodded, so I continued. I ran my hands slowly down her arms and collected her shirt at the hem.

Once the tank was over her head I saw that her eyes were closed. I bit my cheek to keep from smiling. There was still a very real fear etched in her face but the blush that was running from the tips of her ears all the way down her neck and chest told me she was nervous about something else entirely.

My fear of this night evaporated. There were still questions without answers. There were still problems without solutions. But those were for tomorrow.

Tonight, I would show this woman that I loved her.

I finished stripping Bella of her clothing. I went as slow as she needed me to. It was my turn to blush as I uncovered every creamy, delicious inch of her skin. It was just as smooth and soft as I remembered. I smiled as I watched the subtle rise and fall of her breasts with her delicate breaths. I felt myself growing harder by the second as I watched her.

Fuck. My physical reaction to this woman would never change. I considered briefly bathing with her while wearing my pants. She'd only ever seen me naked once. I didn't want to overwhelm her all in one moment.

I gasped when I felt her shaking fingers grab the fly of trousers. The blush on her cheek grew a lovely crimson and I finally let the smug smirk peek through. I took a deep breath, drawing in the scent of the only woman I had ever loved.

Fuck, she smelled luscious.

I let her lower the zipper and then I took pity on her nerves. I gripped her wrists in my hands. "Get in the tub," I whispered. She took a deep breath as she stepped into the water and I stepped out of my pants.

There would be no hiding my erection in the tub. She would be forced to feel it against her. She might have shown up at my door begging for a fuck but I knew Bella better than she knew herself. I had to ease her into this.

I stood behind her, steadying my balance by gripping her slight waist with my hands. So fragile and strong was her skin.

Unconsciously, I leaned down and kissed her shoulder as I wrapped my arms around her middle. We stood like that for a long moment. I tried to keep my cock from touching her, but she kept leaning further into me. I gave up and let her body press flush against mine.

It felt good.

It felt right.

"I didn't cry," she whispered. Her voice was a shaky and broken—like the thoughts in her head. Memories.

Bad fucking memories.

I knew what those were like. I had spent too many nights as a kid trying to purge that shit from my mind.

I ignored her. This was just Bella thinking out loud. I lowered us into the water, pulling out the soap bar provided by the hotel and a wash cloth.

"I… why can't… no tears…" She was rocking as she continued to mumble.

I lifted her arms, taking care to caress her skin as I cleaned it, always keeping in mind that this was to remind her she was anything but alone in this world.

"You don't have to cry, Baby," I started whispering randomly. We weren't talking to each other, but rather around each other. Around the moment in general. She would say something about feeling empty and I would remind her of the accomplishments in her life. She would mention something about the need to cry and I would remind her that she had the strongest heart I had ever known.

By the time the bath was over which included an interesting moment when she turned her attention on me and washed my chest down to my tattoo, where her fingers lingered without the washcloth and ran again and again over the letter, we stood in the bathroom facing each other.

She wasn't locked in a trance and I wasn't afraid of hurting her beyond repair.

And neither of us gave a fuck that we were naked.

Strike that, my cock liked very much that we were still naked. And he continued to remind me that our endurance was limited. As she was relaxed and open—and totally fucking wet. I took Bella's hand in mine and led her to the bedroom.

She crawled on to the bed, still naked and I wasn't ashamed of the groan that escaped my throat at the sight.

She rested back against then headboard and peeked back at me with sorrow-filled eyes. A look of pure torture. I anticipated what the pain would be like shortly, since I had seen her look like this for years. She wasn't ready for this.

The minute I touched her she would start to break down until she was in the bathroom screaming and shaking.

I was still resolved to press on.

Because for all that the look in her eyes scared me, I was no longer that same person I was before this moment. She might yell and kick and scream but I wouldn't let that stop me.

She needed me.

If she ended up crying on the bathroom floor, I would sit there next to her and hold her. Never again would she be alone.

"I'm such a bad person," she murmured as I joined her on the bed. I sat timidly at the foot with my legs facing forward, but my body angled towards her. A passive position. I didn't want her to feel threatened in any way by my presence. She drew her knees up and wound her arms around them.

"No, you're not a bad person. You are simply human, my love." Her breath caught at my confession. I didn't care anymore if she didn't love me back, for this moment we wanted each other and I was committed to show her how deep my desire for her went.

"I am, Edward. I'm a horrible human. I hurt you…. I… use people…" Her voice was raspy as if she had been crying for hours, but I had been with Bella for the last handful of hours and she hadn't shed a single tear.

"I didn't cry."

I watched her eyes as she said it. _I didn't cry_. I understood that guilt a little too well. I didn't cry when Ed died. Bella would say Charlie never did anything to her that was as bad as my dad did to me. But I believed what Charlie did was much worse. Once Ed's arms couldn't swing anymore, the pain stopped. Charlie was inside Bella's head—forever. Long after his body was laid to rest, he would still be very much alive inside of her.

If she let him.

I sighed. There were no words that I could offer to help her right now. Bella was trapped in her brain with conflicting emotions and memories that she needed to sort out on her own.

But I was here, and she was with me. We were not alone.

I thought back to the moment she arrived at my door. "Fuck me, Edward," she had requested.

I gave myself a mental shake. No matter how convicted I was to this natural path we were taking, I was at a loss for really pulling this off. I had only had sex once. And she ended up crazy after it.

I could feel Alice slapping me mentally for that thought. Bella was not crazy.

_A question for tomorrow, Edward._

That low building melody was humming in my brain as my fingers twitched, and I looked back at her. She rested her forehead against her knees and was rocking gently.

I would not force myself on her, but I knew without a question of a doubt that I would have to dominate the exchange. She came to me, put her trust in me. I couldn't let the old me take over and fuck this up.

This was about her.

I repeated that thought to my throbbing erection. This was not about me getting off. Only about comforting her intimately.

She was not alone.

Slowly, infinitely, achingly subtly as if I wasn't even moving at all, I turned and crawled up the bed to where she sat. She felt the dip in the mattress as I made my way closer to her.

She rested back against the pillows and slowly lowered her legs out in front of her. I held her eyes with my own, warning her that I was coming closer. Giving her time to adjust to the idea of what I might be doing once I reached that promised land between her legs.

My hands landed on either side of her feet and I broke our eye contact. I looked to her toes.

For no known reason at all, I started talking. "I didn't cry when Ed died."

I could hear her breathing grow deeper. Not afraid, or nervous. The sound of her breaths was swirling in my mind and mixing with the symphony. A pulse leading me down to her flesh.

Back to her feet.

So delicate. So fragile. And yet so very strong. Bella had walked miles on these feet. They must have been worn out and tired, but she could still trust them to get her where she needed to go. True, these two little feet had carried her out of my life five years ago, but they had also brought her here tonight. I loved them for that. For returning her to me.

I lowered my head and kissed her toes. Starting with the very tip of the big toe on her right foot. Just a soft brush of flesh against flesh. The skin on her feet was rougher, more durable than any other skin on her body. And for that I gave it extra attention.

I continued to confess in between the meeting of my flesh with hers. "I didn't cry when Tanya abandoned me."

My lips touched her toes, smoothed across the balls of her feet and down her instep. Her heels were coarse. I smiled against them remembering the time Renee tried to talk Bella into getting pedicures. A day at the spa was not something my girl would ever find fun.

I placed the last, feather-light kiss against the top of her foot where her ankle began.

I took a deep breath. _Moment of truth, motherfucker. _"But I did cry when I lost you."

I cast my eyes to hers once more.

Her eyes swam with tears. For the briefest of seconds I panicked. I hadn't been able to touch Bella in this way since we were teenagers. She was always reduced to tears and terror whenever I did touch her.

To see her on the verge of tears was damaging my control.

I would not force myself on her.

Her choice.

But I could be there for her if she needed to fall apart.

"Please," I mouthed, still too afraid to assert my claim over her without her permission.

She sniffed and a single tear fell, but she nodded her confirmation that it was alright for me to continue.

My chest felt ready to burst and I couldn't contain the smile that split my face as I turned back to her skin.

I opened my mouth and planted wet, slow, lingering kisses along her calves. I kissed and nipped at the flesh of her knees.

Bella's breath hitched again and the music in my mind swelled. My hands roamed up her sides, stopping momentarily to caress her belly button and moved up to her breasts.

I massaged her sensitive flesh with my hands as my lips moved to her inner thighs. I could smell her arousal.

My eyes rolled back in my head. Fuck. She wanted me.

She needed me.

My eyes shot quickly back to hers. _Please, Bella, I need to taste you. Please don't be too freaked out._

My fingers tweaked her already hardened nipples, and she bit her lip hard and all but begged me with her eyes for me to do exactly what I wanted to do.

I groaned.

_This is about her, Edward. Try to not fucking cum all over the sheets while you suck her sweet pussy. That is not the memory I want to make tonight._

I nudged her legs further apart with my shoulders and let my nose run along the inside of her thigh to her soft dusting of hair covering her pussy.

Some primal programming in me was fucking flying at the sight of that hair. She didn't keep her skin clear—that meant she didn't show this spot of her body to anyone else.

That this pussy was still all mine.

I half growled, half purred as I nuzzled the soft hair in front of me. Fuck… she was all woman. The hard part of my body ached to join with this most delicate soft of hers.

I kept massaging and teasing one of her breasts as I brought my other hand down to her center, and spread her open for me.

Fuck.

She was dripping wet. My cock twitched against the fruity flower-covered bed spread.

I just needed…wanted… Fuck… I wanted to impale myself deep inside of her.

_Not about you, asshole._

Right. I shook my head and brought my lips to her clit. She sounded like a kitten at the meeting of my lips to her sensitive bud.

She was mewling. Fuck, this woman would be the end of me.

I focused my attention on her clit. Licking. Biting. Teasing.

Always fucking teasing.

Bella and I seemed to do nothing but tease each other.

_Fuck that._

I pushed two fingers into her. So wet, so fucking tight and warm.

She said nothing… but she was anything but quiet.

And she was anything but still.

Bella came to life under my lips and fingers. She writhed, bringing her hips up to me my face and fingers as I worked her closer and closer to her release.

Her breaths were heaving and she started slamming her pussy harder against me, seeking a friction that was so intense even I felt there was no way I could hold out much longer.

This was not the slow show of intimacy and gentleness that I knew she needed right now. But obviously my Bella needed something more than gentle to reach that peak.

She clamped her legs tight around my shoulders as her walls constricted around my fingers and I continued to lap her sweets juices as she came.

I eased my face back and watched her as she rode out her pleasure.

Nothing was ever more beautiful than my Bella. Unless, of course, that image was my Bella coming.

"Please, Edward," she pleaded, her eyes closed and her body covered in a faint layer of sweat. Fuck, she looked amazing.

My cock was damn near ready to explode.

"Please what?" I panted. I clenched my jaw to keep my control. Maybe if I spent a few minutes alone in the bathroom.

"Fuck me," she whispered.

I didn't think. I just did.

I was between her legs and sliding my cock into her already teased pussy before I could talk myself out of it.

She hissed at the sudden joining.

Then I instantly regretted what I had done.

This was it.

She was going to fucking flip out from this. Right now.

Just as Edward was about to finally get his.

I started to move back, but she wrapped her legs around me. "No," she whispered.

I looked deep into her emerald eyes. Did she really mean it this time?

"Please," she breathed, leaning forward and claiming my lips with hers.

I groaned, closing my eyes and giving myself over to the sensations.

I wouldn't last long. It didn't fucking matter. This was never about me. And she had already gotten hers.

I ceased being a thoughtful guy and turned into a hormonal fucking asshole. I just wanted to feel it. What the hell did it feel like… the way she just looked now? How did that feel.

I started thrusting faster, harder, a pace that matched the frantic need that Bella had shown me a moment ago.

I might have dreamed it, my brain was fucking fuzzy and my entire body was tingling but I could have sworn that I heard her whisper that she loved me.

The rest—was pleasure so fucking violent it was nearly painful. I felt myself drain into her and I collapsed on to her body.

I was a heaving, sweating, mess of a human being, but happy and content for the first fucking time in my life.

I closed my eyes and cuddled her close. Falling asleep without another word or look, my head resting on her chest.

Her heartbeat fueling the notes of the music dancing in my dreams.

Fuck. That was awesome.

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**BPOV (next morning, hotel room)**

I moaned as the light of morning peeked through my slightly raised, sleep heavy eyelids.

Every inch of my body ached.

And then just as suddenly as I had felt the pain, every inch of my body felt light with pure ecstasy.

Edward.

I was in his bed.

He had—made love to me last night.

I gasped, sitting up and flinging my arms out to my sides to steady myself.

I blinked the exhaustion from my eyes and scanned the room.

Where was he? "Edward?" I called quietly, worried that last night might have just been a dream.

An impossible and perfect dream.

There was no sound but my breathing in the room.

"Edward?" I asked again.

Nothing.

I felt something poking me under my left hand. It was small but offensively hard, annoyingly biting into the soft flesh of my palm.

I didn't ask for Edward again as I moved my hand.

I knew without any doubt that last night had been real.

That Edward had made love to me and held me and brought me back to life at the very moment I truly felt myself dying.

I knew that he would never move on, just as I would never move on.

But I also knew why I was all alone this morning.

I picked up the engagement ring that I had accepted from Mike eight days ago.

And slid it back on the finger of my left hand.

The most alone that I had ever felt in my life.

And that was a fucking lot.

-**-Bookends-**-

**EPOV (hospital)**

I had been wandering around all day.

Just drowning in my thoughts.

_What the hell did you do, moron? What were you fucking trying to prove? She's engaged! _

_She's not yours to want to touch._

_You fucked up…yet again._

I knew it was fucking wrong to leave her alone this morning. But…FUCK… what else could I do? Now was not the time to have a fight with Bella.

And sitting her down and asking the questions that I've been collecting for the last five years would lead to a fight with Bella.

We had never had a discussion that didn't include the passion of our shared stubborn personalities. We would fight.

I couldn't fight with her right now.

There was a bigger part of my ego that really just wanted to go back to the bed and find that raw moment of bliss once more. To see her cum like that over and over again and to feel my own release and give her that shared power over my body.

But for right now, she had Mike to pull her through.

_Fucking lucky dickhead._

I wandered the halls, avoiding the waiting room just a few steps from Charlie's room. I couldn't be away from her, but I couldn't stand in that room and see Mike's arms around her either.

I turned down the hall and found that I was not alone. I heard a faint crying. I searched the darkness and found her sitting in the corner. Fetal and fucking sobbing.

"Vanessa?" I asked quietly. I had maybe seen the girl twice in her entire life. Bella hated her, hated everything about her. So I had spent most of my life simply doing the same. I saw something of that broken woman in my bed last night shaking in this sad girl now. They were sisters whether Bella wanted to accept that or not. They were both Charlie's daughters and I would embrace that for her if she didn't have the strength to do it herself right now.

I couldn't be near Bella at the moment, but I could comfort Nessie.

The girl caught her breath and wiped the tears from her face frantically when she heard me speak. I scared her—_good job dumbass_! I smiled wearily. I really just wanted to support someone right now.

"Edward," she acknowledged me with a nod. She knew me?

My eyebrows knitted over the possibility. She laughed quietly. "Everyone knows my sister's boyfriend," she assured me simply. I frowned. That ring I laid next to Bella this morning reminded me that I was far from being her boyfriend. And light-years away from being what I truly wanted to be.

"I haven't been her boyfriend in a very long time." I admitted. I felt my face fall as I said it. There goes my heart again—breaking for Bella.

Nessie laughed again. "I have never really been her sister." It was weird—that fucking Twilight Zone kind of weird. Neither of us really looked at each other. We really didn't talk much after that either. But I slid down and sat against the wall facing her as she continued to cry quietly in the dark.

What did it take to win Bella's love? I had broken her heart deeper and in more profoundly betraying ways than she finding happiness with Mike ever would do to me. But did I ever really have a chance with her? This girl sitting here was proof—anything that reminded Bella of Charlie was doomed from the start. Nessie was his daughter. And I was a man—a man who could be a husband and a father and neither of those things were happy things in Bella's life. Rather she should end up with a guy like Mike who would never be anything but a fucking stand-in—and half-ass. She wouldn't be safe from the hurt if she gave into loving either of us in this hallway because we meant something more. We were the real fucking deal—and it scared her shitless that she would be just like her father when we needed her. Scared that when the chips were down, she would fuck up. And that broke her heart and crippled her from loving anyone else.

I had learned that lesson, too. But I had Bella to get me through mine. Then I broke her fucking heart. Now she felt all alone. Fuck.

I felt the tears stinging the back of my eyes. "Vanessa," a nurse was calling from the end of the hallway. "They are turning the machines off now."

Fuck.

Nessie left me without a word and I clenched my fists tight once I was all alone. I wanted to scream. My mouth opened wide but no sound came out. Every muscle in my body tightened up at the thought of the pain she would be in right now. But that was nothing compared to the pain I was in sitting here without her. I wanted to be in there. I had to be in there.

I collapsed back against the wall—wasted. Spent. Drained. My entire fucking body felt like shit.

_Bella. Bella. Bella_.

Fuck!

I stood up without thinking. I just fucking acted. Fuck the consequences. Newton was not going to fucking be the one she cried on right now. I was hers. She was mine. I would find a way to fucking make her see that some day! But today I would just fucking take the hit—she needed me.

My feet couldn't move fast enough. Nessie was only half way there when I passed her. I had to be there. Had to see her. Had to give her my shoulder.

I pushed open the door and my heart stopped. Bella wasn't there. Mike stood by Renee—holding her hand and telling her words of support. Runny was sitting on the other side of Charlie holding his hand and tears were silently falling down his cheeks. Nessie pushed her was in past me and glared. I didn't belong here now.

I fell back out of the room. My mind was fucking disconnected from my body. Where was she? The way she was last night—the utter depression and despair that she kept going back to when I wasn't touching her… what the fuck was she doing right now? How the fuck could Mike let her out of his sight?

I just kept seeing Bella's almost dead body all those years ago in La Push. Saw the way her face looked when it died for that millisecond in the darkness. Thought about how fucking hard I would fall if I found her even remotely hurt right now.

FUCK!

"BELLA!" I started yelling. Yes, I was in a hospital. Yes, there were people all around who would want privacy and not some fucking lunatic screaming in the halls but I had to find her.

_I like being up here_… her words came back to me. Many years ago, back when we used to live in New York, I used to find Bella on the roof of the apartment. It was one of the reasons I wanted to move away from the city. Live in a place with no roof access. She always freaked me the fuck out when I would find her up there. My heart jumped again—this time into my throat. FUCK! _The roof is so quiet and peaceful and you feel like you are above it all. You know? Above all the torments—but it also reminds me of how far I can fall_…

FUCK!

_No Bella! Don't do it baby. I'm coming!_

I hit the stairs at a dead sprint. I was fucking gasping and the world was kind of going black every now and then in my vision. I couldn't be too late again! I still didn't know CPR. I was in a fucking hospital and I just had this feeling that I was going to be too late right now…

There were only five floors between me and the roof—_Bella! Bella! BELLA!_

I burst through the door screaming her name—"BELLA!"

My eyes and ears were not controlled by my mind anymore. They searched faster than I could process. Where was she!

"Edward?" a quiet voice screamed across my mind—I turned to find her sitting in next to the heating unit.

FUCK! _Thank you God! Thank you! I will do whatever you want! I will stay the fuck away from her if you just keep her safe! Thank you!_

I ran over to her and fell to my knees in front of her. My heart was racing and my breath was not catching in my lungs. My face was covered in tears and my eyes were still swimming. How many times could I survive feeling that I was losing this girl?

"Edward?" Her voice was worried as she took in the sight of me. I just leaned forward and let her catch me with her lips. Mine crushed hers with the force of my love for her.

Yes, I fucked up. But I would never let go of Bella. I possessed by her.

"Kill me now, Bella," I whispered between kisses. It felt so fucking perfect to kiss her. She smelled so fucking appetizing. Last night had been a religious experience. I was worshiping a goddess—_my_ goddess. Her hands were tangled in my hair and we were moaning in unison.

I knew this didn't change anything. I knew that when we left this place I would be climbing in to the Vanquish all alone and she would be getting in to the Volvo with Mike. I knew that in one month I would be attending their wedding and faking a smile. I knew that I had no hope of earning her forgiveness. But I didn't give a flying fuck about that right now.

Right now—she was mine and I was hers. And there was something happening in the hospital below us that was ripping out her heart. I was here to help her through it. In whatever way she needed me.

"No, Edward," she pushed me back, jumping to her feet and heading to the door.

"What… Bella wait!"

I caught up with her and grabbed her arms. The glare that flashed up at me told me we were about to talk. My neck bristled with the truth in front of me.

I was going to fight with Bella.

I hadn't had a decent fight with her since we were teenagers.

"Stay out of this, Cullen," she yelled.

"Don't give me that shit, Swan," I yelled right back.

It was like we had stepped back in time. We picked up the conversation like two very different people. Like the kids we used to be.

"I got my pity fuck last night. I don't need one every second of the day."

I blinked down at her. Pity fuck? Was she fucking serious?

"What the fuck are you talking about?" I was ready to punch something. This woman could rile me up in the shortest amount of time.

"I mean don't come up here and give me some fucking lie about you wanting me." She held up her engagement ring swaddled finger.

The biggest 'Fuck you, Cullen' she could ever had given me.

"You're the one who said yes!'

"Well you're the one who kissed Jane!"

"You're the one who went fucking crazy and never gave me any clues as to why!"

She gasped as I said it. I fucking regretted it the second I said it. I never thought Bella was crazy. I was just fucking mad. Saying stupid shit.

"You… you really want to… Edward.." her face fell and her eyes were hollow with a desolation I needed a fucking clue about.

"What the fuck is it, Bella? Tell me?"

I cupped my hands around her cheeks. She glared at me and something snapped. She balled her hands in my shirt and slammed me back against the heater—thrusting her tongue between my lips and rubbing her thigh against my hardening cock.

Fuck.

"Is this what you want, Bella?" I panted. "Do you want me to fuck you senseless? Right here, right now?"

Her answer was a deep, throaty moan as she arched her neck back and as an invitation for me to take her.

Fuck.

I turned us around, slamming her against the unit and biting her neck hard, marking her flesh.

"Mine," I whispered against her.

She shivered in response.

The adrenaline and fucking high that was spreading through my body from touching her was intoxicating—but it was also refreshing. I was reawakening. Just like I had last night. I was becoming that person I used to be. The guy who could hear the music in the air. The guy who could smell the hint heather in the rain as it was falling to the earth. The scent of Bella- heather and raindrops. I was the guy who had a heart in his chest that actually pulsed with the beat of life.

Bella placed a kiss on my chest above my heart. It fucking pounded for her—leaped at her touch like it would break through my chest and into her hands. I was so fucking desperate for her, it hurt to my very bones. This wasn't making love. This was sex, period. Bella's body and my body—we were one.

She could leave today and be with Mike forever, but she would never feel anything like this.

Fuck.

I kissed her collar bone and worked up to her mouth—planting hard sharp kisses along the way. She was writhing and moaning. She gripped my arms for support and I pulled down her pants and panties. I hitched her leg over my hip.

"Edward." She panted against me lips softly in between long deep kisses. Fuck! My head was swimming. I couldn't remember my fucking name—was it Edward? I hoped so. She seemed to like that name. I would love for her to like my name.

Fuck!

My cock twitched to be inside of her. My body was throbbing to possess her.

She was everything.

I was a primal fucking animal when her eyes met mine. Fuck. There was no sadness left in their depths. Just a peace—an abiding stillness that told me she was going to be okay. That part of me that went insane while running up the stairs was calmed by that knowledge. She ran her hand tenderly down my cheek. A fire ignited in the emerald depths of her eyes.

"Fuck me," she mouthed.

_Fuck yah_.

I growled as I let the animal out. I tore her shirt apart. Her breasts were so flawless. My lips ached to touch every piece of her body—like they had last night. But right now was about fucking, about good, hard sex. Love had already come—and it would return again. Right now I was going to make her forget her name.

My teeth closed sharp around her nipple. She tasted sweeter than any delicacy I had ever had between my lips. I sucked harder and her cries were growing louder.

Would someone come to see what we were doing up here? I hoped not. I really didn't want to stop.

She was nude and hot and throbbing just like me in no time. My fingers dipped inside her as I continued to play with her breasts using my tongue and my teeth.

Her wetness on my fingertips pushed me over the edge. She arched her hips to my touch and a breathless moan was torn from her chest.

My still trapped cock was stretching my pants.

I raised my eyes to meet hers once more.

The world stopped around us. For a second I really wished I had just ran after her and forced my ring on her finger. That I had just waited and she would have come back to me. Five wasted years of hell. A future of hell before us. Fuck.

"I love you," I said with the intense sincerity that was pulsing in my chest. "Forgive me?" How the fuck my mind was working enough to even talk and not just grunt was beyond me.

She was having a harder time of it—my fingers never ceased their movements between her thighs. She was squirming and whimpering and her eyes would occasionally roll back in her head.

"I…" she panted and closed her eyes for a second. Her mouth popped open, and I was aroused even more as I saw the pleasure melting over every inch of her beautiful face. I was doing that to her. Only me. Newton didn't have that on me.

"There's nothing to forgive," she whispered. I was soaring as I looked into her eyes. The severe emotion in their depths stole my breath.

"I have and will always love you."

Fuck.

It didn't change anything but it had to be said. I nodded and captured her lips with mine once more. We were carnal fucking beasts after that.

Our teeth knocked together as our kisses deepened so hard and so deep it was like we were trying to devour each other.

I pulled my dick free of my pants and when I finally moved between her legs I felt like a mortal trying to ride a goddess. It was almost painful to enter her. I tried to savor every little inch of how she felt around me. I just knew this would be the last fucking time I would be allowed to do this. I closed my eyes to the agonizing truth.

Fuck. I felt complete with her around me.

I would never fit anywhere else the way I fit right there. I belonged there—with her. In her.

I opened my eyes and she was crying. Silently. Lovingly. She nodded and reached for me. I pounded our bodies against that heater on the rooftop in the mid-morning light.

Life would not be worth living after this. I was tasting heaven. Really living a fantasy. Everything would pale in comparison. Food would be tasteless. Colors would fade of any brilliance. And the air itself would come stale and hot into my lungs.

Our pace was hard and eager. Not chaotic but far from gentle.

When we climaxed, it was sharp and loud and as one.

I collapsed against her—spent, satisfied and fucking shaking. Some part of me had been displaced. It was forever inside of her. Just like the first time I entered her, the last time made me feel like she had taken my very soul and it would forever live on inside of her—outside of me.

The air was deathly still. I could tell that the one answer I had been waiting for was about to come out. My heart pounded in my throat. My mouth was dry.

She took a deep breath, clingy to me like I would evaporate in to the air. She kept her face hidden, turned from me as she spoke.

"I was pregnant," she whispered.

Her arms were around me—her gentle hands stroking my back in loving circles.

I didn't move—didn't dare breathe.

What was she telling me?

What did this mean?

"When they sent you away…" There were tears in her voice. Her words cracked and my arms squeezed tighter around her in an automatic response. My heart sped as I began to understand.

"When you had to go back to live with Tanya, I was pregnant. I didn't know…. I was so scared… and then… oh god… Ed.." She was shaking. I could hear the terror in her voice. I couldn't pull my thoughts together fast enough to speak.

_Holy fucking hell! She had… I had… Was pregnant?_

_What happened to the baby?_

Sobs so violent that I thought my heart was being stabbed each time I heard them, wrenched from her chest. She was pregnant—with my child. She was pregnant… was?

"What happened?" I asked already guessing, but having to help her through this. My heart was cracking into a million pieces. She was pregnant—we were going to have a child… and they fucking kept me from her. Kept me from protecting her and taking care of her.

Fuck. My chest was constricting.

"I lost it…our baby."

Fuck! An image of my mother plainly telling me that her baby was lost crashed into my head. But Bella wasn't calling this child _a baby_—the way Bella said _our_ baby, it was not just something in her stomach. Our baby was our hope, our light. The biggest fucking responsibility that she had had to bear on her very young shoulders—our burden to share but hers to bear.

"I never even got to see what it was—girl or boy. But it was ours. And I wasn't… strong enough." Her breath hitched and I tightened my arms around her. I rocked her and soothed her with my hands and gentle caresses.

"Shh..." I told her over and over. I was sobbing with her now. Fuck! Every single insane moment from the second I returned to her made perfect sense. Bella looking half-dead in the tree house. Bella screaming in her sleep. Bella jumping every time I touched her. No wonder she had been terrified of sex back then. She was afraid of getting pregnant again—fucking scared that she would let me down. Fuck!

I still had no words.

I was angry.

But mostly… I was lost. How the fuck had she survived so long with this secret?

Then it hit me… she hadn't done it alone.

Jazz. She had turned to him for help. Which meant Alice knew too.

Fuck. She trusted everyone with this secret but me.

It was my kid, too. And… she trusted them to help her.

Fuck.

Newton. Did she tell that rat bastard when she never told me?

Suddenly, I wasn't so interested in consoling her.

I pushed her back. She stood there, naked and exposed and covered in tears of a loss she was never going to tell me about.

"They're turning off the machines now," I informed her in a detached voice. I was robotic and stiff. I zipped up my pants and turned toward the door.

"Edward," she croaked. I couldn't do it.

I had done it for so long for her. Waited for her. Held her. Loved her.

She would never trust me.

I headed to the stair way. Fucking ready to just have the earth open up and swallow me whole.

I was a fucking father. She was carrying my kid and she never fucking told me.

Every minute of my life for the last ten years had been a lie.

I got to the end of the first flight of metal stairs and fell to my knees. Pain, more acute than the night Ed beat me with his baseball bat, ripped through my chest.

What fucking hell had she gone through?

And I was selfish enough to think she was terrified of me.

While all the while she was terrified of herself.

"Don't you fucking leave me now, Cullen," she threatened from above me. I closed my eyes and rocked as wave after wave of grief hit me.

I mourned for a loss of innocence that neither of us could ever get back.

I had been such an ass, and for so long.

"Forgive me, Bella, forgive me… I didn't know…"

Her hands were on my shoulders. Her lips touched my temple. "Forgive me, Edward… please.."

"Bella!" Emmett's voice boomed up the stairwell. "You get your ass down here now!"

Fuck.

Charlie.

"I've gotta go."

She ran down the stairs without another word.

I just sat there. Rocking, crying, and at a fucking loss for what to do next.

I pulled out my phone.

"She was pregnant."

"Hello to you too, Edward," Erebos said sardonically. "What can I help you with?"


	33. I'm empty and aching

**Bookends By: Bella's Executioner.**

**Rating: M- this means if you're under 16 you are agreeing to break your own ToS by reading this and I'm not your mother so be responsible for yourself.**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is the sole owner of the world of Twilight. She is Bella's creator. I am Bella's Executioner.**

**A/N: Bookends is the very first fanfiction I started writing. It's been on this site, moved and come back. It has errors, fuck ups and lots of proofs that I'm human but it also has all of my heart and soul in it. I welcome you into this world of pain and love and hope that you enjoy. I also welcome your thoughts as you read—pm me or review and I'll be happy to discuss the story with you.**

**Chapter 33: I'm empty and aching**

**-**-Bookends-**-**

"Kathy I'm lost, I said though I knew she was sleeping. **I'm empty and aching** and I don't know why." (America, Paul Simon)

Hurt

Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face  
You told me how proud you were, but I walked away  
If only I knew what I know today  
Ooh, ooh

I would hold you in my arms  
I would take the pain away  
Thank you for all you've done  
Forgive all your mistakes  
There's nothing I wouldn't do  
To hear your voice again  
Sometimes I wanna call you  
But I know you won't be there

Ohh I'm sorry for blaming you  
For everything I just couldn't do  
And I've hurt myself by hurting you

Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit  
Sometimes I just wanna hide 'cause it's you I miss  
And it's so hard to say goodbye  
When it comes to this, oooh

Would you tell me I was wrong?  
Would you help me understand?  
Are you looking down upon me?  
Are you proud of who I am?

There's nothing I wouldn't do  
To have just one more chance  
To look into your eyes  
And see you looking back

Ohh I'm sorry for blaming you  
For everything I just couldn't do  
And I've hurt myself, ohh

If I had just one more day  
I would tell you how much that I've missed you  
Since you've been away  
Ooh, it's dangerous  
It's so out of line  
To try and turn back time

I'm sorry for blaming you  
For everything I just couldn't do  
And I've hurt myself by hurting you

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**BPOV (two days later, Swan residence, night before Charlie's funeral)**

I flipped on the laptop perched on my desk, in my old room.

My chest was heavy and my shoulders felt like something was squeezing every muscle in them with a vise.

My head had finally stopped throbbing, thank God, but now it just felt empty. No matter how hard I tried to think about something, I just felt like I was stumbling around in circles and missing the location of the knowledge locked away inside my head.

He was gone.

He was dead.

The password prompt screen came up and I stared at the blinking cursor for entirely too long. I took a deep breath and was relieved that my fingers remembered the word.

My brain was beyond the task of keeping names for the moment.

It wasn't raining. My eyes gazed out the window and watched the backyard, seeing nothing.

I could hear the little whirl of the fan inside the laptop turning quietly to keep the device from overheating. Other than that, there was no sound in the house.

Em and Rose opted to stay with Esme and Carlisle for the night. Em told me the day they shut off the machines that he had no need to step foot in this house again.

I couldn't blame him. It was scary being here now.

I positioned the mouse over the icon for my emails and double-clicked. All automated functions in my muscle memory. Thank whatever divine entity responsible for that.

In the few seconds it took for the screen to load I questioned fate—religion. Where did you go after your body stopped living?

Did I believe in heaven?

And if I did, did that mean I also gave permission for a hell to exist?

There were four unread messages in my inbox. Two were from online stores with coupons for purchases I didn't intend to make. I deleted them immediately—ending their purpose before giving them a chance to affect my life.

The next one was from my editor. _Bella, haven't heard from you in a week. I hope everything is well. Please let me know how the new chapters are coming along_.

I clicked on the message and saved it under my 'letters from my editor' file. I'd write to her later. I didn't have words at the moment.

None.

I couldn't hope to respond to her now.

The last note was from Alice, reminding me what time to get to the cemetery tomorrow. Telling me to just come over and stay with her and Jazz tonight so that I wasn't alone. And promising that she would always love me.

I rolled my eyes and pulled a post-it pad from my laptop case, writing down the time that I needed to leave the house. I stuck the note on the shade of the desk lamp. The paper was bright pink. I figured there was no way I would miss it.

I shut my computer down without a second thought. There was nothing else I needed or wanted to do with it at the moment.

Writing something right now felt like a burden. Too many thoughts were swirling around in my head.

Focusing on any one would just make my head explode from the gridlock it would create with the others thoughts.

I rose from the chair and stood in the middle of the room.

Nothing to do. It was only seven. That meant I had eleven hours before I even had to get up and start getting ready. Thirteen hours before I was due at the lawyer's office. Fifteen hours before the service would begin.

The service.

The funeral.

He was dead.

Dead.

I felt my arms squeeze around me. I didn't remember putting them there.

I sighed and headed down to the kitchen. I hadn't eaten all day. I frankly couldn't remember eating at all since Mike and I were in the diner having burgers almost a week ago.

I headed straight to the refrigerator, still on autopilot.

I search the contents of the fridge. Wine. Some fruit. Butter. Eggs. Take out box from a local Chinese food place.

Nothing I wanted to eat.

I opened the freezer, hoping maybe there would be a frozen pizza or something to hold me over till morning.

Frozen salmon. Frozen steak. Ice trays.

Nothing much up there.

I considered the steak, but…it seemed too expensive to have without permission.

I closed the freezer not dwelling on the thoughts that bubbled up. There was no longer a need for permission. And the food would only go to waste. What would happen to the food?

What would happen to any of it?

We met with the lawyer in the morning to discuss the estate and his will. But…who was responsible for cleaning out the fridge? Who did that now?

Charlie had no one.

This was nobody's house now.

I still didn't feel right eating the food.

I shivered and picked up the phone. I dialed the nearest pizza place and ordered something basic.

I sat on one of the stools next to the island in the center of the kitchen. Waiting.

This place was dead silent now.

I tried to remember what kind of noise filled the house when I used to stay here. Renee singing to some song playing on the radio. Maybe the sound of food sizzling in pans on the stove. Emmett telling Charlie about football practice.

I wondered if this was what it was like for Charlie after Renee left.

Empty.

I ate the pizza in the kitchen. There was a little voice, one that sounded like Emmett, in my head telling me to take a slice and walk around with it. Eat in the living room on the expensive furniture. Take the pie up to my room and eat on my two thousand dollar bed.

But I just…couldn't. The rule was you ate in the kitchen or at the dining room table. I didn't see any point in eating anywhere else.

Eating killed an hour. Now it was eight o'clock and I was restless. I had sleeping pills in my purse. Alec had prescribed them to me for years now. It was nearly impossible, even now, for me to sleep without Edward in my bed.

I never used the pills. I just wore myself out past the point of exhaustion and passed out. But I always made sure to have them on hand in case of emergencies.

I was afraid that tonight I would need them.

My body was screaming at me that there was absolutely no way we could relax and find rest in this empty, scary house.

Why in the hell hadn't I just stayed with Alice?

I wanted desperately to drive to _his_ room and seek comfort in _his_ arms. But that would be yet another selfish move. He was some drug to me that masked the pain. It wasn't fair to him for me to keep taking what he offered without giving him anything in return.

I had no words for him right now either. There had been one thing after another diverting me from talking to him since the rooftop.

Since…

I pulled out my phone. He would be at home. He wouldn't mind the phone call but I would feel horrible for calling anyway.

That didn't stop me.

I scrolled through the numbers, selecting the second most used one in my contacts list.

"Bella," his voice was calm as he answered. It was only eight o'clock after all. It's not like I was waking him up in bed.

"Did Jazz call you?" I learned a long time ago that beating around any kind of bush with Alec was pointless. I didn't bullshit around with greetings and stuff with him. I just cut straight through to the point.

Lucky for me, Alec was okay with that.

"Yes, he did. I was hoping to hear from you. I was going to call and have you set up an appointment for next week. But I wanted to give you space to… grieve."

I gave a very unladylike snort into the phone. "Yah… grieve."

I could hear his frown before I heard his slow intake of breath.

He let that comment slide. "What is it you want to talk about?"

_Clearly, not Daddy dearest_. Not tonight at least.

"I… I've had a few breakthroughs this week." I tried to figure out how to ask what I wanted to ask without having to give him some detailed account of my reunion with Edward.

He paused, silent and patient for me to continue when I was ready.

"Edward came back."

"Yes, Jazz told me that his brother was in Victoria with you."

I nodded sarcastically at the device in my hand. Telling me that you know what I'm saying is the truth is not what I want right now.

"Well… he found me in the hospital when he got here…"

"_Found_ you?" he cut in, stopping me from my short little tale that I was about to spin.

I rolled my eyes. "Yes. _Found_."

"Were you hiding?"

I wanted to groan. Alec couldn't just let me skip over this shit. I really wanted to jump to the end, but now he was getting me to drag my feet.

"I… I guess… I… I didn't want to go into the room. Not just yet… when I got here. I wasn't ready to see him…like that."

"I see."

I huffed and jumped to the next moment in the story. "Anyway… I was sitting alone in a waiting room."

"Which waiting room?"

_Motherfucking hell! _"_A_ waiting room!" I shouted.

There was silence for a few beats. He was giving me time to calm down. When he believed I had had enough, he continued. "Where was the waiting room? Was it on the floor with Charlie's room? Can you remember where you ended up?"

Like opening a tiny doorway in my brain, I could see. I remembered getting on the elevator in a stupor. Riding it until it stopped and getting off. I could hear the babies crying. Nothing else. I couldn't even tell you if there was a nurse at the front desk of the floor when I got there. I just wandered into the waiting room and sat there.

Alone.

In the dark.

"Maternity," I whispered.

"I see."

I glared at the receiver and pressed on. "He found me there. Woke me up. And took me downstairs."

"So you were asleep?"

"No. I was… trapped."

I shifted in my seat. I had to keep chanting inside my head that I could trust this man. That by telling him that I felt trapped, he would help me find a way to never feel like that again.

My knee started jumping and my heart was beating faster.

I was terrified to admit this to him.

"I see."

That's all he ever said during our sessions. It was his way of offering assurance that he was looking at it my way. We were discussing this through my perspective first. But I always knew there was more behind it. And that he would tell me his side after I was done.

"So, long story short," I offered and he chuckled. "I ended up here for the night."

"Here?"

"Oh, right… Charlie's house."

"Your childhood home."

It wasn't a question and that offended me. No. My childhood home was in Forks. This was Charlie Swan's house.

"No."

"Yes."

"How do you figure that?"

"You were born in Victoria, Bella. You lived the first year of your life there. It was your first home."

I wanted to smash the phone in to a million pieces and then put it in the blender and hit pulp. This tomb was never a home to me.

"Whatever," I mumbled, not interested in a fight right now. "I stayed here that night… _mostly_… I ended up…"

"Going to see Edward," he finished. I nodded silently.

_Like a fucking junkie to her addiction._

"How did that work out for you?"

The matter of fact way that he said it made me laugh. How did it work out for me? Well… I no longer had to question the validity of my loss of my V-card.

"We had sex."

"I see."

There were stones going up suddenly in my head. A wall being built around what happened in that hotel room that night. It was private and intimate. I had never truly felt loved until I felt his lips on my toes. Heard his words of confession.

He only cried when he lost me.

I felt tears welling in my eyes at just the memory of his eyes when he told me that. I hadn't been remotely moved to tears in the hospital the other day. When… Charlie passed away.

"He left in the morning, without saying goodbye. Left my engagement ring as his only answer as to why he left."

"Do you blame him for this, Bella? Feel anger towards him?"

"Well… I wasn't happy."

"With Edward? With Bella? Or with the ring?"

I thought about it. I was angry at everyone. Angry that I couldn't turn back the clock to that first time Edward came here and found me. To find those two kids and tell them all the right fucking things to do and not end up becoming us one day.

"Me."

"I see."

"So the next day… I was alone at the hospital again."

"Hmmm."

I rolled my eyes and ignored him. "And Edward comes running up on the roof, screaming like he thinks I'm going to jump off to my doom."

"We've talked about your suicidal thoughts in New York, Bella. I think he has a valid reason to fear you on roofs… why were you on the roof?"

I shrugged my shoulders. "The waiting rooms were all full."

"I see."

I put my hand on the granite counter top in front of me. I imagined taking a sledge hammer to the damn black stone. Everything in this house was expensive, but it was all worthless.

I ran my finger over a swirl of gold flecks in the stone.

"I told him."

The reason I loved having Alec as my shrink was this… he didn't need to be told something twice. He knew we were talking about Edward. And he knew there was only one damn thing I needed to tell Edward.

Silence.

"He begged me for forgiveness…." A tear escaped my eye and slid down to my upper lip.

"Did I kill it?" I whispered.

I heard him take a deep, slow breath.

This was not a new question. In fact, for a very long time it was the only thing I ever said to him. I used to sit in his office just rocking and chanting those four words over and over.

"It?" he played dumb as he always did.

"My baby," I amended. It was not an 'it', it was a child, Edward's and my child.

"We've discussed this before."

"I recall a time when you used to sugarcoat it for me."

"You know there was a time when my mother used to wipe my ass, too, Bella."

I laughed. He had a point.

"How do… what do …"

"Let him mourn this loss as you have, Bella. You protected yourself. I don't believe that Edward will hold that against you. But don't deny him the closure you have found. Let him say goodbye to the ideal that was your child as well."

I nodded. "Take him to the grave."

"Yes. Let him pay his respects for what he lost. Just as you lost a child, so did he. And never forget, Bella, he lost you, as well. He lost the girl who was innocent and who didn't know what death felt like. Let him find closure in that, too."

More tears silently joined the first and now my entire upper lip was moist.

"Okay."

"Are you staying in that house tonight?"

I looked around the kitchen. The big, empty space didn't scare me like it did when I was a kid. It was no Holiday Inn, but I could sleep here tonight.

"Yah."

"Alone?"

The way he said it… the tone… maybe the fact that I had been picturing Charlie here alone with no one to clean out his freezer… just didn't sit right with me.

"Yep."

"Well, have a good night, Bella. And don't hesitate to call me if you need to talk."

I nodded, running my hand over my lip to clear away the stray tears. "Thank you, Alec. Just… put it on my tab."

He laughed and said good night again.

Once I hung up, I stood in the entry way and listened.

Alone.

It was echoing in my mind now.

_Just like Charlie, Bella._

No. I had people in my life. I had… Mike. Alice. Jazz. Mom. Carlisle. Emmett and Rose.

Edward.

I was not alone. Just right here, right now. But not forever.

_Your childhood home… your first home_.

Those words came back with a vengeance. This place was never a _home_ to anyone.

Not even Charlie.

I walked into the bathroom on the second floor, pulling open the top drawer. It was empty but for cotton swabs and his nose hair clipper.

I used to keep extra hair bands in that drawer. It would bug the shit out of me every June. They would all be gone, thrown away. And I would have to put a new supply in the drawer for the length of my stay.

No matter how many times that he did it, I never took the hair bands with me when we left for Forks at the end of summer. Yes. I was pretty positive that he was going to throw them out. Yes. I knew that I would be royally pissed off when I came back here and found them gone. But I still held out hope. That this time he would see them in there and remember that they belonged to me.

Would want to do something for his daughter and just keep a part of her intact in this house.

I slammed the drawer shut.

Why was I _still_ just as fucking hopeful to find at least one hair tie in that fucking drawer?

I walked slowly down the hall, passing Charlie's room with heavy footsteps.

Once.

I had only ever been in his room once. And I couldn't remember it. I was a baby. Mom said I slept in the nursery, and she had a bed in there where she slept, while nursing me at night. The night she left him, she took me into this bedroom while she packed.

I had no idea what was on the other side of the door.

My mom's room was like a second room to me. I borrowed her shoes and clothes. I sat on her bed while she got dressed for an evening out. I confided secrets to her in there and knew that I was always welcome to be in her space.

That was not the case with Charlie.

I opened the door. It creaked with a sound that told just how old this house was. I stood in the doorway - watching the shadows playing along his bedspread.

I found the light switch and the room was lit up, but still very dark to me. I didn't recognize anything in his room. The furniture matched the rest of the house. It looked expensive and uncomfortable.

There was a picture on his bedside table - Renee and her two kids. There was no picture of Em and me anywhere.

I pulled open the top drawer of his dresser. I always found drawers to be fascinating windows into people's lives. What you wanted to keep but not have people see.

Socks.

I reached out a finger and touched one black, wool sock. I closed the drawer.

I shuffled over to the bed. It was hard under my weight. It didn't seem at all comfortable like the luxury mattresses on the beds in my and Em's rooms.

I reached over and opened the nightstand drawer.

Reading glasses. Tums. Kleenex.

That was all.

I frowned, standing abruptly and heading downstairs. I pushed open the door to the only other room I had never really set foot in, Charlie's office.

My father spent every second that he wasn't at work in this office. He missed out on meals with his kids, movies on the couch with his family and so many other moments just so that he could be in this room.

This room, what it held, was the most important space in his world.

The walls were bare. There was a single bookcase that held binders with what looked like important information for his business. There was a small cabinet for file folders near his desk and a small lamp on top of his desk.

That was it.

No pictures of family.

No mementos of trips.

No signs that this man had a life outside of this room.

I sat in his chair and pulled out the top drawer. My hands were shaking and I could feel tears welling up again.

Empty.

_Why wasn't there something there! _

_Where the fuck did I exist in this house? _

I put my elbows on the desk and my face in my hands, tears spilling on to my cheeks that I didn't fully understand.

I wasn't here.

I was his daughter, but I wasn't a part of his life.

The one place he wanted to be… and I wasn't invited to be there with him.

A strangled cry pulled from my chest.

What the fuck was I hoping for?

Why did I still have any hope in me at all?

Hadn't he driven that from me long ago? Hadn't he proven time and time again that I couldn't trust him to give a shit about me?

I wasn't here.

Alone.

Charlie might have been alone here… but I was just… a ghost.

I pulled the drawer out completely, shoved my hand in the open space. Was there something… anything? A note. A misplaced hair band.

Something that told me he gave a fuck about me.

Something that promised me that I had actually lived in this fucking house at some point in my life. Called this my first home.

I couldn't find it.

Nothing.

Empty.

Alone.

I wasn't here. I didn't mean a goddamn thing to this man.

I blinked back tears that hadn't fallen when I watched his chest stop moving.

I was a selfish fucking bitch.

I didn't cry when he left me… not this time. This time I felt like him leaving was finally a peace to my fears.

But now… sitting here… I was some scared little girl sitting on her porch and begging her daddy to love her.

Just this once… _Prove to me that you fucking loved me, Charlie!_

Just this once…_Make me feel like I'm not something you tolerate for a minute and then throw away when no longer find a use for me._

It was stupid. I was stupid. I couldn't believe that I still had a piece of heart left for that bastard to break. But there it was. There I was… wishing like some dumbfuck kid that maybe he was distant all of my life because he just didn't know how to talk to me.

That he secretly loved me. That he secretly was proud of me and wanted me.

And once I was in here… I would find those secrets and I'd finally feel… complete?

I kicked the drawer, my vision blurred from the raging tears.

I packed up my stuff and loaded up the Volvo.

And I slept in the car.

**-**-Bookends-**-**

I awoke to a light tapping sound. For a second, I was lost in a dream of being wrapped his Edward's warm embrace. Feeling his strong arms shielding me from the dark emptiness beyond his body.

The solid knock freaked me the fuck out.

I shrieked and started, waking up in the driver's seat of my car and noticing that the dash read two a.m.

I screamed again when I came face to face with eyes at the window I had been resting my head on.

Mike.

"Bella!" he yelled.

I nodded. I had forgotten that Mike was coming in early tonight. I reached over and pulled out the house key.

I took a deep, steadying breath and exited the car.

"Hey, B," he whispered. He leaned it to give me a kiss and I put my hands up.

"Hi, Mike," I said through a still thick layer of sleepy fog in my voice.

I watched the house behind him. I would need to get ready for the funeral. I grabbed what I needed from the car and turned back to him.

There was no fucking way I was marrying Mike Newton.

That was that.

My mother had married her Mike Newton. I'd be damned if ever ended up with a black hole of a "home" one day because I followed in her footsteps.

"We need to talk."

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**EPOV (the next day, Charlie's funeral)**

My dress shoes made a light tapping sound on the stones in the courtyard.

Typical. Charles Swan wasn't buried in some plain old graveyard. Nor was he placed in a general hole in the ground. He was being placed in the Volterra family crypt.

Creepy.

I leaned against the tree on the other side of the entrance and pulled out my last cigarette. I inhaled the smoke with one long pull, exhaling with a sigh.

Fuck.

I could hear Newton yucking it up with the family Swan. Fucking prick. Bella wouldn't be caught dead wanting anything to do with those assholes.

I didn't look over to find her… just yet. I had watched her with cautious eyes throughout the ceremony. Every damn time I tried to talk to her since that moment on the roof, we were interrupted.

No. Not interrupted, just denied any access to each other at all. She was sequestered by Renee for receiving relatives duty for a day and a half. And this morning was their meeting with the lawyers concerning the will.

She would cast me looks—wide eyes that pleaded. Worried glances of fear. And sad looks of loss.

I spent the last two nights sitting on the floor by the door in my hotel room. Just waiting. Hoping. Wishing that she would just show up.

I didn't have to talk to her. I just had to touch her. Hold her.

Talking would come later. Right now… Fuck, my world felt like it was turned inside out. Everything was the same and yet all of it was different.

Every single breath she took had a different meaning to me now. I was still confused. And fucking frustrated and angry.

But I craved her. I had ripped the fucking band aid off. Only Bella could heal my wounds now.

I knew she needed me, too. That secret was a darkness swirling around her soul for too long. I had to find a way to let some light back in.

The rest of that shit would just work itself out.

This was not some fucking Buddha peace and acceptance bullshit that came naturally to me. I had experienced a few revelations over the last three days.

Jazz and I had a heart to fist yesterday. He actually laughed his ass off after I connected the first swing with his cheek. He fell on his butt and just cackled like he'd lost his damn mind.

"You have no idea how much of a relief it is for me that you know, Edward," he said through tears and more dark chuckles.

"Kick the shit out of me, I deserve it. But know that I did everything I ever did to protect her. Just like I promised you I would."

I couldn't fight that shit.

I just joined him on the ground, looking like a fucking moron and scowling as he continued to go insane. Eventually we talked. He told me about that night, from his perspective. Told me about her life from the second I left for Seattle.

My heart grew heavier as I pictured Bella falling deeper into her worries and fears. And then my heart broke at the fact that she would blame herself for all of this.

Not just for losing our baby, but for getting pregnant in the first place.

Even Jazz looked at me curiously when I mentioned it. I didn't press the fact and just shined him on when he brought it up this morning. But Bella took that blue pill. She nearly fucking died that night because of a mistake she made.

And she would believe that led us here. Led us down a path of destruction that would slowly kill us for ten years.

I shook my head and put my cigarette between my lips. I never would have been this…understanding before. I never would have had the strength to stop and think without reacting first before.

Erebos.

I called him from the hospital, and he helped me work this out. A decade of uncertainty melted away at the truth that Bella had been fighting only one enemy all of this time.

Herself.

She blamed herself for everything. And no matter how hard she tried to convince her mind that she could pretend to be what I needed, she was doomed to undermine any happiness she might have had with me.

She didn't believe she deserved it.

How wrong she was.

"I told you, Edward," he reminded me. "Neither of you have ever loved yourselves. And that poor girl had no foundation to stand on when her world crumbled down."

"She had me." I knew it was an empty promise. I was a kid who had wanted to protect her, but had no real means to support her.

"And she still does."

I took a deep drag of my smoke. I had learned to love me… with Bella removed from the picture. Bella's love would provide a fulfillment of another need in me, but I could find something of myself to love without the promise of her devotion. Likewise, my being granted the right to love Bella, truly love her and devote myself to her, would complete me in almost every other way.

Bella could not love anything until she believed that _Bella_ deserved any love herself.

I sighed at the challenge ahead.

I was not afraid of the fight. I was ready for the long haul. I just worried for her pain in the face of the mountain ahead of us.

Jazz told me she had come a long way in accepting herself. She was more confident and that her relationship with Mike helped give her purpose and belief in herself.

But there was a giant white elephant in her room right now. Well… he was more in the crypt than in her room. But he was sucking away all sense of self-worth she might have built up.

It was up to me to make her see the potential in her.

I watched the pageant by the exit and sneered. There was a very distinct white Jeep parked down the way that I could see from my spot against the tree.

Rose and Em.

Fucking self-important asshole Swans. My sister and her husband were just people. What the hell did it matter?

When did we get to finally fucking kick those dogs in the mouth—the motherfuckers who made us feel inferior all of our lives. The demons that would haunt us until the day we died with their judgment. For me it was something intangible—something implanted in me from birth for being Ed's son. Doomed to fail forever. But for Em... fuck for Bella, too—their father just gutted them out all of their lives. Made them feel… _less_.

_You can't fucking leave me now, Cullen._

Bella.

I hissed around my cigarette and closed my eyes. I didn't have any words for her three days ago—and if she ended up marrying Newton... I would never have a fucking answer for her. As long as she and I were apart, this ache in our chests would never stop.

I knew that. Knew that I was made to love that woman. Knew that she was made to be loved by me, too. I might have needed extensive therapy to help me realize that I might be worthy of her love in return—but I knew that I would never love anything but Bella.

No person. No possession. No idea. Just Bella.

I turned back to look at the crypt and folded my arms across my chest. It was the most fucking ludicrous spectacle I had ever seen. There were the Volterras—stoic and reserved. Not a tear to be found. And then there were the Swans—mostly huffing and throat-clearing. And then there were the kids. Runny looked sad and swatted tears from his eyes after he walked out of the viewing. Nessie wept... bawled buckets even. And Bella... fuck, but that emptiness in her eyes scared the shit out of me.

I only ever saw it once before. And now I knew that back then it was because she had lost our child. There was a huge fucking gaping hole in my mind at that thought. Bella had been pregnant. I had almost been a father… with her. And though I wanted to weep for the loss of that opportunity… the loss of a precious life that would have been adored… I was mostly sad for what it did to Bella. Her life had been jeopardized. Her health. Her sanity. And she never trusted me enough to share that burden.

There was some part of my mind that warned I shouldn't want to go to her now. Now that I knew that she betrayed me back then by lying to me. But there was a louder voice in my head that screamed I didn't fucking care. We were two fucked up kids. We both made mistakes. Erebos would call it my downfall—but he would say it with that knowing smile in his eyes. I would never let go of Bella. My body was scarred—I could take whatever life wanted to throw at me. But I would never stop loving her.

I was fucking bleeding with the need to go over to her. But I couldn't move. She wasn't mine. She had made that perfectly clear.

Carlisle and Esme exited the crypt next. Esme walked past me and put a quiet hand on my arm as she did. I smiled at her and nodded. She continued down the path to the waiting Jeep. Carlisle leaned over and hugged Bella. And to my extreme and utter surprise, she hugged him back.

The guy had a way with becoming someone's dad, you had to admit.

He put his hands in his pockets and wandered over to me. We were far enough away that we were removed from the social circle forming around the exit. I took another long drag on my smoke.

"Why bother coming today, Carlisle?" I said through tight lips. Charlie Swan had been a bastard to everything that ever had anything to do with Esme. Especially Esme herself. Why should Carlisle come today to pay respect to that?

"I wanted to see the motherfucker dead."

His words would have made me laugh. But there was no irony to them. There was no humor to them. And I completely understood. Mike Motherfucking Newton walked out and put his arm around his fiancée's shoulders, and all I could see was my hand ripping out his throat.

"How did you survive it?" No bullshit. He knew what was tearing me up. I knew that he lived through it before. And I knew that Mike wasn't the kind of asshole that Charlie was. Mike actually adored Bella. He would give her a quiet, caring, safe life. Fuck me, but I couldn't begin to want to live knowing that. Carlisle had something to hate- something that was wrong. All I had was the fact that Mike was better for her than me. I was feeling pretty shitty about that.

"I didn't. I got married to someone I shouldn't have. I broke two women's hearts. I broke Charlie's nose."

I turned to question him at that one. I had never heard that story.

He chuckled wickedly as he shrugged and winked. Then all at once he looked back at the crypt and his face fell. "It was the night Esme left him. She called me from the road- three in the morning. She was driving her truck with her two sleeping kids and everything she owned piled alongside her. I made sure the house was ready for her."

He grimaced. "Mary kicked the shit out of me for that one. And then I helped Esme move back in." He swallowed and his eyes got distant as pain washed across them. "It only took ten minutes… Ten minutes, Edward. Everything that her life was about fit in a tiny truck and took less than half an hour to unload. And that asshole lived in a two-story mansion surrounded by all his… stuff."

I growled a little under my breath. I hated every single second that Bella had to spend in that house. That place was the real crypt.

"But what made me hit him... was the way Esme looked once the kids were in bed and everything was settled. She wasn't happy or sad or even angry. She was just... relieved. Like she had been so trapped and afraid of that life that she couldn't breathe until she was home in Forks. It pissed me off."

Mike laughed at something Puny said and after a second of delay Bella forced a fake smile and small laugh, too. Fuck.

"So I jumped into my car and hit the first ferry to leave Port Angeles for Victoria in the morning. I had no idea what I was going to do."

Mike put his lips against Bella's temple. And she actually fucking sighed from the contact. I couldn't breathe.

"I was suffocating to watch him with her, Edward." I nodded. I understood what he meant. "But I couldn't breathe at all until I looked him in the eye that morning. I didn't say anything. I rang the doorbell- eight a.m. It took him twenty minutes to finally answer it- like he had been sleeping soundly and had no idea someone might want to talk to him. When he opened the door..."

Mike whispered something to Bella and she nodded. He released her and she headed off alone toward the other graves.

Carlisle pulled me back to his story. "He wasn't even upset. He actually looked confused when he saw me. Like he had no idea that Esme had left- or that he had no concern for the fact that his wife and two kids were no longer living in his house. He wasn't upset... no tears... no anger... just a blank stare."

I balled my fists. I wondered how terrible it would make me look if I punched a corpse. "So I gave him something to feel pain over. I knew just where to hit him too. Used the jab straight to the bridge. Broke his nose in one hit. Then I just got back in my car and drove home."

I snorted. "I would have taken more than one swing." I mumbled.

"That's the difference between you and me, Edward." I frowned as I waited for the explanation. "You never stop fighting." He clapped his hand on my shoulder and looked over his own to where Bella was disappearing in the distance.

"Never," he breathed turning back to me and winking. He went to join Esme and the others away from the show.

I was suddenly done with my cigarette and done with all the shit.

I put my hands in my pocket and followed Bella's path. Carlisle was right. I would never give up.

I had something worth fighting for.

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**EmPOV**

In and out.

Just breathe – in and out.

My hands were still gripped tightly around the steering wheel. White knuckles and more steady, deep breaths.

In and out.

In.

And.

Out.

"Baby, you know you should go down there."

I rolled my eyes but didn't look at her—I just stared at the crowd exiting the fucking creepy crypt.

What my wife said sounded logical, just not possible.

"People go to these things to _pay their respects_. There's nothing out there that I respect… besides _our_ family, that is."

I stressed the word _our_. The Swans didn't recognize our union as valid.

They were not family.

Rose punched my shoulder softly, but said nothing.

There was nothing to say—we had nothing to apologize for. We were proud to live the life we shared.

Fuck them for having some issue with us just being ourselves. People were dumbshit stupid sometimes.

I sighed and flopped back in my seat, letting my hands drop on to my lap.

Rose glared at the reception. "I always thought his mustache was a bit too…"

"Wilford Brimley?" I offered.

Rose snorted. "No. I was going to say extreme. I'd even guess it might have been rebellious." She nodded towards the group gathered by the door. None of them had facial hair… well except for Great Aunt Caius.

"Pah!" The silence in the Jeep was shattered with my bursting laugh.

"Caius?" Rose asked reaching her hand over to twine our fingers together.

I nodded and chuckled. She giggled.

"Lucky bitch, didn't even have to have surgery." I rolled my eyes. Leave it to my wife to bring inappropriate hermaphrodite humor to a funeral.

"I always found it interesting that she never married but had all of those _ladies in waiting _it seemed. Guess now we know…what they were all waiting for. She must be packing some heat to match that 'stache…"

"Emmett," she continued to insist quietly.

She nudged me with her shoulder—more like she used a defensive lineman's shoulder hit on me.

"Damn, Baby," I said, rubbing my chest and trying to be a man about it. "You're strong."

"Damn straight," she said, smirking back at me.

I laughed again. "That's my girl." I kissed her shoulder and pulled her into an awkwardly angled embrace.

"Fuck em, Baby," I whispered and she giggled again.

"You're an idiot," she mumbled.

I watched Mom and Carlisle walk out of the building – Mom heading straight for us.

"This day just keep getting better and better," I sighed.

The back right door opened and Mom climbed inside. "I'm only saying this once, I've never said a horrible thing about your father all of your life. I've never made him out to be some villain in our lives and I've never wanted you kids to have your perceptions of him ruled by my relationship with him."

Rose and I turned to look back at her. My eyebrows were sticking straight up as she spoke.

She really never had. No matter how shitty I could tell Mom thought Charlie was to us, she never made him out to be some bad guy around us. She would always play devil's advocate and let us come up with how we viewed the situation.

"So…"

"He was a royal fucking idiot who deserved to die alone. He deserves to rot in hell and I'm…I can't say I'm sorry that I married him because I love you and your sister more than words can say. That's the only fucking thing he ever did right and I'm sorry I ever let him into our lives." She narrowed her eyes and stared straight into mine. "Never let anyone push you around, son. He was an asshole who never deserved your love. I love you. And I'm glad he's dead."

I swallowed, my mouth so dry and my brain so empty that all I could do was stare at her.

"And you too, Rose, dear. Don't ever let those assholes push you around."

Rose nodded, looking as dumbstruck as me.

"Now… to have a talk with your sister." She reached for the door handle and looked out the window.

"Oh," she said. I followed her line of sight and saw Bella heading down a path away from the crypt with a certain bronze-haired idiot following her.

"Maybe later, " Mom muttered.

"I think it's best he talk to her first."

Both women gasped at my statement. I rolled my eyes and sighed. "I don't love him, but I think he wants what's best for her. And that's all that matters right?"

I looked to my wife. Who the hell were we to say what was right in this world? Everyone around us thought that we were wrong.

She nodded with that damn 'I'm so proud of my monkey man' look that she got sometimes.

"It really is."

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**EPOV**

I found her sitting by a little man-made pond. Why was there always water at places like this?

She sat on a bench facing the pond. It was early evening- twilight. And it looked ready to rain. There was a light breeze- I didn't feel it. I only realized it because Bella's hair drifted around her face. She continued to watch the water as it grew dark.

I sat down next to her. No words. No need. She needed me here- and I needed to show her I was here. There was no point in forcing small talk. I could feel her heat in the tiny space between us. It seared my flesh through the barriers of our clothing.

No one else would have been able to do that to me.

I sat with my back to the pond- watching the fake people and their fake show of emotions. Bella- all bottled up and silent-was seething with emotion next to me. She was never fake about what she felt in her soul.

In the distance, I could hear thunder rolling. I smiled. I found more and more that I loved to hear it rain. To feel the cool drops hitting my flesh. They were like a thousand tiny promises of life. A sea of opportunities that were just waiting to run in to me.

Plus Bella had always loved the rain. It was just like breathing for me to like it, too.

"Lovely weather," I said in a flat voice.

I peeked over and she made no motion to acknowledge that I had spoken at all. But I could feel her wanting to smile. It made me smile - slow and confident. Mike fucking Newton might have a ring on her finger – but I'm the one wrapped around that soul.

"I want to go home," she whispered—almost too low for me to hear.

I turned to see her lay her head on my shoulder. I clenched my fists._ It is now or never, motherfucker. You aren't going to get a chance like this. She's literally fucking leaning on us… just lay it out there._

"I love you, Bella."

The air around us was thick with anticipation of more words. My mind had plenty. My heart had even more. But my mouth was suddenly dry and unable to speak.

"Edward," she spoke with a small quiet voice. "I don't know how to be loved…my heart beats, but…" She swallowed and I watched her with wide eyes. This was someone completely different talking to me now. Someone I didn't recognize.

What had changed?

"Bella…" I shook my head, was I really having a conversation with her? I wanted to burst out in giggles at the giddiness swelling in me at that thought. I could see Erebos scowling me. I couldn't help it. A morbid laugh escaped me as I continued. "I get that. Believe me… I know what you are saying."

She sighed and stood up. She was biting her lip and she was suddenly very pale.

Fuck.

"I need to show you something."

She reached her left hand as an invitation not only for me to stand but to join her. I could care less what else she showed me, my vision was transfixed on her bare ring finger.

Bare.

Free of what was previously there.

I blinked up at her. There was probably some part of my brain that should be warning that she easily put his affection aside when she found something new. Told me that maybe this new Bella was all about using people.

She had warned me that she was a monster who hurt people.

But that part of my brain was getting his ass kicked by the guy who'd been in love with this woman since she was eleven years old. I wasn't the same person I was before. Clearly, she wasn't either.

Fuck the odds. I was going to make it stick this time.

I couldn't stop the smile that lightly spread my lips as I looked up into her eyes. Bella's eyes answered the question in mine. _It's over. I'm yours, _they said.

Bella mirrored my smile as I stood. Though the edges of her smile were softened by sadness.

What was it she had to show me?

She took a deep breath as I took her hand. A tear slipped down her cheek and she turned to pull me towards whatever it was she had hidden away in this place.

What secrets could Bella Swan have in a graveyard?

My mind froze.

Fuck.

Our baby.

She had buried our baby here.

Everything went blank and black in my head.

And yet everything was screaming in my mind too. Music screeching and clawing at the walls of my brain.

So many questions.

Too many emotions.

My breath sped and I felt my palms start to sweat.

I was so nervous to see… still too confused to really grasp what had happened to her.

She could sense my panic as we walked. She started talking, and I had to focus over the whine and scrape of the notes in my mind- some twisted lullaby—both evil and wretched and yet beautiful and sublime all at once.

An almost dream that was being pulled to pieces before I could realize it fully.

"I… don't know how to do this, Edward," she whispered. I unconsciously tightened my hand's grip around hers. I tried to swallow, my throat suddenly a fucking desert.

"How…" my mouth opened and my mind tried to form words for it but I just couldn't. What could I ask? Where did I start?

"I see a therapist," she announced flatly. I snapped my mouth shut and nodded.

Good.

Why I never had the fucking balls to force her to one before was beyond me…that was not true. I knew why. It was because the guy living with the old Bella had not yet gone through Erebos' boot camp. He was the old me.

The old me would be shitting his pants right now for fear that Bella was going leave him again.

I only wanted what was best for her. I'd stand my ground on this one.

"I see him twice a week… Have been for years now. It's where Mike and I…" she bit her lip like it was the break pedal and she suddenly realized the light had turned red.

"He sees a therapist?" I couldn't fucking help it. My eyebrows scrunched together and the hint of ironic sarcasm in my voice was not lost on Bella.

"Nobody's perfect, Edward. Mike has some pain he faces, too. Maybe nothing as…deep as what we've been through," she waved her hand between us, and I understood that she wasn't just talking about the pain we suffered on our own. But the pain we inflicted on each other by never seeking help before now.

"Do you love him?" She gasped, shocked more by my words than my interruption.

"In a way." She contemplated her answer but kept pulling me further and further into the cemetery. We were a good ways away from the family crypt now. I couldn't see any of the people from here.

Good. I didn't want my baby to have to see that asshole every day for eternity. Not that my baby would. She or he would be in heaven while Swan burned in hell.

I never went to church but I believed that with every fiber of my being. Our baby was good and pure. Our baby would have been perfect. We were stupid kids but our child was loved and deserved to rest peacefully.

Swan earned his condo in Hades.

"Edward." She tugged on my hand, pulling me from the image of a beautiful baby girl with emerald green eyes and bronze hair. "I never meant to hurt you….I never meant to hurt Mike. I just…wanted…"

"Me to move on?" She sighed and I stopped, pulling on her arm until she turned and looked up at me.

"Never gonna fucking happen, Baby," I vowed.

On the word baby, her eyes dropped and her entire body seemed to shrink. Fuck. That's why she hated me calling her that.

"Holy fuck," I whispered. "I'm sorry, sweetheart. I never…I didn't…"

"I know," she whispered. She led us further on.

I was such a fucking prick. I had spent so much time in the past feeling sorry for Bella. Thinking that she deserved some sympathy for having such a mind fuck put on her by that bastard. I thought her weakened by her past. An abuse victim who was trapped by the pain she could not fight.

I had been wrong.

Bella was anything but weak.

The strength it must have taken to get out of bed every morning must have been fucking crippling. The ability to find anything happy at all must have been devastating. If only I had trusted her to heal, and taken her to get help…instead I locked her away and forced her to have to fight that much harder every damn day.

Bella was anything but weak- Bella was a fucking superhero.

"Tell me about your therapist." I matched my stride to hers so that we could be side by side as we found our child's resting place.

She smiled slightly but didn't look up at me. "Alec. He's nice. He doesn't waste time with bullshit."

I laughed. "You were never one for bullshit," I teased.

Teased! I was fucking walking along and teasing my Bella. My chest, though heavy with what we were about to see, was suddenly lighter than it had been in years.

"I'd like…for you to…meet…him," she offered shyly.

"I would like for that too," I responded instantly. I need to see this guy and shake his motherfucking hand. Thank him for helping her when I couldn't.

When I didn't.

Her fingers laced through mine more securely. Some air was cleared… the music in my mind was still chaotic but now the humming melody of Bella was cascading around it. Blending and morphing the sound into something more positive than destructive.

I smiled in spite of the moment.

When her footsteps faltered and she slowed to a stop, my heart leaped to my throat and everything went silent.

Everything…but Bella's voice.

"I wasn't far enough… along… for…a sex to be determined." She had told me this at the hospital, too.

"How…when did you find out?"

She swallowed, turning apologetic eyes to me. "Not too long after you left. I was visiting…" She looked over her shoulder back to the hidden view of the funeral. She was visiting him when she found out? Fuck.

"Em and Rose were with me…well, I guess she was still J at the time." She smiled sadly and laughed. I couldn't help but laugh, too. I was so easily swayed by whatever emotion Bella was experiencing.

"I realized I hadn't gotten my period. That I had been throwing up. The vomit I had blamed on you."

I barked a laugh at that comment.

She giggled. "I mean… you having to leave. You having to go back to…that witch. And me being the reason."

I sobered at the look in her eyes when she called herself the reason.

"Hey." I put my hands on her shoulders, looking deep into the depths of her dark jade depression. "I'll admit it, Bella. We fucked up a lot in our lives. But you didn't cause anything, my love." Her lip quivered as I spoke. I ran my finger along that trembling bottom lip, anticipatory of being able to kiss it freely from now on.

"We weren't meant to have a baby yet. That's all." It wasn't _all_…but it was all we needed to accept. A person could drive themselves eternally insane trying to understand why things happen. We were both alive, and healthy. There would be many years ahead of us to try to have kids again.

"I…I just…" she blinked her eyes, her voice cracking and a sob ripped from her chest. Instantly tears streamed down her face and she crumpled against me. "I was just so scared."

She trembled in my arms, shaking like some terrified child. I lowered myself to the ground, easing her into my lap and cradling her against me. "Shhh… it's okay, sweetheart. I'm here now. It's okay…"

The more I assured her, the harder she cried. Fuck. So many years she locked this away. So many years she fought this breakdown. I held her tighter each time she gasped for breath. I could feel her tears soaking through my shirt. I let them cleanse my skin of all hatred or anger at the time we spent apart.

I had nothing but love in my heart for this woman and our lost child. There was no room for that destruction that had haunted us for too long.

Bella clung to me like I was a life raft and she was a drowning woman who had been holding on for too long. If I let her go, she'd finally just give up and suffocate.

I kissed her head. Stroked her back and rocked us. I wept with her, tears running along my cheeks and falling, unchecked on to her hair. We were washing each other in our release of this pain, I guessed.

I looked up. A small, nondescript stone child with angel wings watched us. The child's face was round and full of life even though it was frozen for all eternity. The eyes were wide and full of wonder. Its lips were turned up slightly at the edges. The child's hands were raised in welcome.

I stared back at the child.

Though Bella continued to cry and cough in my arms from the violent release of her pain, I felt myself grow calm. Tears were still spilling from my eyes, but I was at peace with this loss. Our child was watching us - granting us our peace. Telling us it was okay to move on and keep living.

"Is that…" I whispered, motioning with my hand to the beautiful angel staring back at me.

Bella sniffed and raised her head to peek at the cherub of mercy. She nodded, her blotchy cheeks and tear-filled eyes turning back to me. I smiled serenely down at her.

"I recognized her," I said like that proud father I was. I might never have met my child, but there she was. Watching me, loving me. Loving us. Blessing us.

Bella studied me watching the statue. Her tears seemed to slow and she grew deathly quiet. I turned my attention back to her and filled her eyes with the wonder in mine.

"I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Isabella Swan." I looked back at our baby. "I want to give her brothers and sisters to watch over, too. Just like she's watching over us."

"Edward," Bella breathed. "You…" She raised her hand to cup the side of my face. I leaned my cheek against her soft, warm touch. I sighed at the contact, never more at peace than I was right now.

"She was never even born….we don't even know if she was a _she_," Bella rambled. I smiled, leaning down and kissing here lips softly.

"I know, Love."

She drew in a ragged breath. "But you love her anyway?" Bella's brow quirked and her eyes grew serious.

I nodded. "Of course. She's the best of you and what little good there is of me put together. She's our baby, Bella. Why wouldn't I love her?"

I didn't really have the proper training to handle what happened next. I knew my girl had a temper. I knew she could change moods on a dime, but I had no idea my words would trigger such a violent reaction.

She shot up to her feet, releasing my hold on her. She cast one last look back at the statue of grace and stormed off back toward the funeral.

I sat for a second trying to figure out what the hell just happened. She didn't seem angry with me.

I looked at my daughter, scowling and trying to put two and two together.

"I tell her I love you and she flips out. One would think I'd be shocked that she did." I started to laugh and then it all fell in place.

I loved a child I never even knew.

Bella had a father who never gave a shit about her.

"Fuck!" I shouted and jumped up to run after her.

I didn't know if I wanted to catch her or just be there to catch her when it was all over and done.

Bella deserved to get a thing or two off of her chest.

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**BPOV**

He loved her.

Edward loved a child he didn't even know existed until two days ago. He wanted to share our future with her even though he knew we'd never get to see her.

He loved the very idea of having a kid.

What the fucking hell was Charlie Swan's problem?

That rat bastard had every single thing a human could ever want or need handed to him in his life. Why couldn't he love me?

I flew down the path that I had strolled lazily with Edward. I felt new.

I felt old at the same time.

I felt more like myself than I had in a really long time.

And I was fucking mad and ready to finally say something about it.

Em and Mom were standing by the door when I shoved my way in. The crypt was empty, luckily, though I knew no innocent bystanders would really deter me from doing what I was about to do.

I knew he'd never hear me. Maybe he could hear me but I knew he'd never listen.

I was just finally fed up of keeping it all in.

I had spilled my guts to the man I loved completely…might as well do it to the man I hated, too.

"WHY!" I screamed to the now sealed tomb.

"Why didn't you want me? Why couldn't you love me?"

I kicked at the stone etched with his name. Each letter was a separate reminder of the person who had never bothered to remember I existed.

My hands balled into white-knuckled fists and my rage fumed on.

"I hate you!" I screamed, my throat constricting around the word 'hate'. My body was convulsing from the surge of raw energy shooting through my veins.

I was empowered by my confessions to Edward and his display of undying love. I could do anything I wanted right now.

And all I wanted to do was know why?

"WHY!" I shrieked, a crazed harpy with blood-red eyes, no doubt.

I clawed at the name staring back, silently mocking me. He was made of stone in life as well.

I felt just as weak and helpless scratching at the marble surface as I had hoping that he would give a shit about me my entire life.

Worthless.

"You asshole! Motherfucking bastard!"

I was sure that by now there was a crowd assembling to watch the show. Charles' daughter finally snapped. We knew one day she would…she's never been quite right.

I didn't much care about the audience. I did care about my family. There was a shred of sanity left in my brain, warning that they could see and hear me.

I feared for what they thought it was they were taking in right now.

If they had somehow survived the last ten years not thinking me crazy before this moment… they sure as hell knew I was now.

I took a step back in my mind, picturing my family seeing me.

Realizing how futile yelling at this stone wall really was.

I had missed my opportunity.

I had never confronted him on earth.

Or had I?

Had I not confronted him every time I matched his silence?

Had I not screamed at him every time I didn't call him to wish him Merry Christmas?

Had I not made myself perfectly clear when I didn't visit his body as it lay dying alone?

No. I had stated my position more times than I could count.

He just lacked the vision to see it.

I truly hoped that was my problem, too. That I had simply lacked the ability to see what he told me. That he had loved me but I just never understood.

He was gone now.

He took whatever secrets that he might have had with him.

The lawyer told me this morning that my father had left me his house. Nothing else. No note. No words. No declaration of love.

Just that empty fucking house.

I had searched that place already. Found nothing of me there. And so he confirmed it.

I might have been silently screaming that I needed him, but he was loudly announcing that he didn't care.

I fell to my knees, allowing devastation to overwhelm me twice today. I was crippled by sobbing tears and anguished breaths.

"Daddy," I croaked. My voice sounded so like I was six years old again. Small and wounded as it left my throat. "Please don't go. I'll be good. I promise…. Just please…please don't go…"

I started shaking, feeling like I was sitting on the steps of my home at Forks. Seeing him drive away yet again. Always wondering what I did that was so very wrong as to make him leave me.

Not want me.

Why wasn't me loving him ever enough?

"I'm sorry…" There was no sound to my voice as I said it and a pair of strong arms caught me from behind just before I fell over completely face first into the hard cement.

"I'm sorry, Daddy…."

The arms pulled me back and I was cradled like a child for the second time today. The body holding me was comfort and love, and I collapsed against it.

It spoke, shushing away my tears and soothing me.

"It's okay, Baby," she said, just like she had every time he broke my heart.

She rocked me. She stroked my hair.

"Why… why…" I kept repeating. I would never have an answer. Never.

"I don't know, Bella," Mom said, kissing my head and holding me tighter.

I felt a second pair of arms wind around us. These arms were strongest arms in my world. Emmett.

I felt safe and love in these combined embraces. I linked my fingers of my left hand with the fingers of his right. And the fingers of my right with the fingers of my mom's left. We sat there on the floor. A trio. A team.

"It doesn't matter, Bells," Em whispered. "You're better than him. You never needed him to tell you that."

I turned to meet my big brother's eyes. He was crying. I'd never seen him cry before.

"We're better than him," I corrected, tears coating my cheeks. "And all we've ever needed is right here." I squeezed my hands over theirs to emphasize my point.

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**CPOV **

I ordered another round of appetizers and drinks.

It still struck me to my bones that they were all old enough to drink. Even my baby, Alice, was over twenty-one.

My arm rested over the back of my wife's chair, her hand on my thigh under the table. How much time had we wasted to get to this moment with each other? So many years of uncertainty. I spent most of my adulthood feeling empty and mildly depressed. Now, with this magnificent woman by my side, I felt complete.

Happy.

Loved.

Rose tossed her napkin across the table at her sister when Alice suggested they go shopping while still in Canada. Rose hated shopping. Alice's laugh made me smile.

I had wasted no time, really. The sacrifice of happiness until now was nothing compared to the swelling of love and pride in my heart at seeing my two girls.

Being a father completed me in an entirely different way.

I watched Emmett sling his arm over Rose's chair in a mirror image of my arm. My heart damn near burst.

I'd do it all again in a heartbeat. I'd suffer every cut from Jack and every harsh word from Mary if it meant I would get to be here right now.

Jazz kissed Alice's lips as she kept laughing, her smile making him smile, too.

"I love you," Esme whispered and rested her head on my shoulder. As it always did when she said that, my heart beat stronger and I felt warm inside. I loved this woman more than anything.

The next round of food arrived and with it another hour of conversation. The Family Cullen sharing memories, good and bad, of Charles Swan.

"I just want to…" The table fell silent as Bella's soft voice drew our attention. She hadn't said much since her outburst at the cemetery. Esme tensed up next to me—a protective mother, always. I resisted the urge to shield and protect her too.

Bella always seemed to be the most fragile of all of us.

"Thank you. And…I'm sorry," she laughed lightly and shook her head. "I know I'm crazy. But you all make me feel okay to be crazy."

We all returned her smile as she made eye contact with each of us.

Edward was sitting to her left. As much as it had pleased me to find out that she had been engaged to Michael, it felt much more natural to see her sitting next to Edward.

And to see my son sitting next to Bella was … truly captivating. He sat with a confidence that made even me feel a little intimidated.

He kept his hands on the table in front of him but he had his body turned slightly as if to block Bella from our view. _Ah, Edward, forever the protector of those he loves._

"You're not crazy, Bella," he argued.

"I was born with a penis." Em groaned as my daughter turned her shot glass over and announced to the table what all already knew.

Bella rolled her eyes. "Look at me, little sister." Rose propped an elbow up on the table, staring Bella down. "I had to spend three years talking to a team of specialists and psychiatrists to determine my sanity. In the end… all they did was sign off on the fact that I'm not delusional. I think they would still call me crazy."

"Rosalie Cullen," Alice scolded.

Rose glared at her sister but continued. "My name is Jacob. None of this," she waved her hands around her reconstructed face and chest. "Is real. But this," she pointed to her temple, indicating her mind. "This is the real deal. And no fifty some odd doctors are going to tell me that I'm sane or not. I'm who and what I need to be." She shrugged her shoulders and gave a drunken nod to the table.

Emmett rolled his eyes when she settled back into her chair. "Nobody's perfect and everybody's human," he added.

"Edward used to tell me," Jazz spoke from the corner. "That Ed was a good guy. That life made him mean and he couldn't control himself when it got to be too much." Edward's hands clenched into fists as his little brother spoke about their past. It was now my turn to tense up. I would that I could have spared those boys that childhood. I should have adopted them from birth.

"There's no such thing as a bad person, or a good person. There's just people. And choices. And life." Jazz looked over at Bella, sharing some moment with her that none of us understood. "You're not crazy, Bella. You're surviving life. Sometimes that requires violence. Other times… it requires helplessness. Just makes it life."

Bella nodded. "I want you to have the house, Alice," Bella said with sober, serious eyes.

"What?"

"Charlie left me his house…er…the estate, I suppose. I want you to have it. Convert it into a shelter, or an orphanage or whatever you want or need."

Esme gasped next to me. "Are you sure about that, Bella? That estate would pay for a lot of things."

Bella shook her head with a small smile for her mother. "I don't need things, Mom. 'Things' is what that house is about right now. Alice can make it a home…for someone."

The pride I had already felt for my family swelled tenfold hearing this conversation.

"That's very noble and kind of you, Bella," I said, raising my glass and toasting my children. "To all of you. You are far better people than I, or your mother," I turned to look Esme in the eyes. She smiled at me. "Could ever have hoped for. We're very proud of you. And we love you."

"Cheers," they said in unison.

We all threw back a shot. All save Edward. I noticed he didn't drink hardly at all anymore. I knew without doubt I had Erebos to thank for that.

"I love you all. I'm gonna take off. Have a good one." Bella rose slowly and walked around handing out hugs to all of us. Esme kissed her cheek and told her she expected a phone call as soon as she got home and another one tomorrow after she had had some rest. Emmett pulled her into a bone crushing hug and whispered into her ear. A few last tears slid down her cheeks at whatever it is he said.

"Thanks, big brother," she whispered.

To no one's surprise, Edward retreated from the table as she left. "Fuck this, I'm out," he simply said and nodded to all of us.

I had to laugh. Some things never changed.

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**EPOV**

The moon was full, shining down on the parking lot as I followed her out. She noticed me behind her as she exited the bar and slowed her steps so I could catch up.

I didn't give a fuck about rules or time tables or whatever, I just put my arm around her shoulder and walked with her in silence to the car.

"You ever wonder what it would have been like to be…normal?"

I laughed. Bell and her fucking brain. Always thinking.

"Fuck, no. I think Mike Newton is normal." Bella punched my shoulder and wiggled out from under my arm. We laughed together.

I leaned against the driver's side door of the Volvo. _Fuck, I miss this car._ It wasn't as flashy and fast as the Vanquish, but it was my first taste of freedom.

It had always seemed fitting to me that Bella ended up with it. She was my first taste of everything.

"So…" I shoved my hands in my pockets, feeling more awkward than the teen that used to drive this silver car around Forks like a bad ass.

Bella smiled as she watched me, blushing even though I hadn't really said anything.

"So…" she mimicked my voice. I laughed and shifted my eyes to look back at the bar before I ended up blushing.

Why did we always seem to do this shit backwards? I scanned the lot. Not too many cars left for the night. I had turned the rental car in yesterday. I would be riding back to Port Angeles with Alice and Jazz and then catching a flight back to Seattle.

I took one last look at my first baby, the Volvo. I checked out the tires, feeling a need to make certain everything was in shape before I let her get on the road by herself.

I flinched. "Are those the same tires I bought in California…"

"Right before the gig in San Jose. Yep." She nodded and smiled wide.

"That was almost…"

"Six years ago. I know."

I gave her a puzzled expression. I had had to replace the tires on the Vanquish at least twice since moving back to the States. Shit, since moving to Seattle.

"I don't have a lead foot like _some_ people," she giggled.

"You never drive it, is more like it," I laughed. There was something primal about knowing she drove this car. Some… connection that we still had because of it. I figured Bella never drove it because of that phantom bond that it symbolized.

"That's not true. I practically live in this car." The sincerity in her voice made my chest squeeze tight.

Fuck.

I loved this woman more than it was healthy to love another human being.

"Never?" The question slipped out before I really thought about it. She knew what it meant. _You've never wanted anyone but me, right?_

I couldn't help it. I had spent too many years, such very long nights not knowing what she was thinking. I felt like I was a kid in a candy store with just the hope that she would answer any question I asked her.

I was coming back into my own with her. Recognizing her body language and understanding what she was saying when she wasn't speaking.

"I told you, Edward, I always have and always will love you."

I nodded, reaching my hand up and cupping it behind her neck. I pulled her in for a hard, possessive kiss.

She moaned, drawing me deeper into her mouth and swirling her tongue around mine. We kissed in the parking lot like to horny teenagers.

Maybe Bella was on to something. What would it have been like to be just a couple of normal teens, sucking face in the parking lot on some random Saturday night? No worries about when or how to tell each other that we were in love. No fear that one of us would be shipped away because of one stupid mistake. A mistake that would never have happened had we been just two normal, safe teenagers.

That might have been nice.

Bella pushed me back against the door of the car. She fisted her hands in my shirt, and I groaned when her thigh rubbed against my swelling crotch.

"Fuck," I groaned again and leaned back to catch some air. No normal little girl acted like my Bella acted.

Fuck normal.

I stroked my hand through her hair and put it behind her ear. We were both slightly out of breath, and I could feel her heart racing against my chest.

"May I drive you home, Miss Swan?" I whispered, flashing her that crooked smile that I reserved strictly for Bella.

She smiled and handed me the keys.


	34. Making love in the Afternoon

**Bookends By: Bella's Executioner.**

**Rating: M- this means if you're under 16 you are agreeing to break your own ToS by reading this and I'm not your mother so be responsible for yourself.**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is the sole owner of the world of Twilight. She is Bella's creator. I am Bella's Executioner.**

**A/N: Bookends is the very first fanfiction I started writing. It's been on this site, moved and come back. It has errors, fuck ups and lots of proofs that I'm human but it also has all of my heart and soul in it. I welcome you into this world of pain and love and hope that you enjoy. I also welcome your thoughts as you read—pm me or review and I'll be happy to discuss the story with you.**

**Thanks as always to my patient and awesome beta TwilightMomofTwo. She rocks and kick major butt. I'm very pleased to announce that her stories having been winning awards left and right lately. Please stop by her profile and check out everything she writes. **

**Chapter 34: Making Love in the Afternoon**

**-**-Bookends-**-**

"**Making love in the afternoon**, with Cecilia up in my bedroom." (Cecilia, Simon & Garfunkel)

**Hallelujah** : (Paramore)

somehow everything's gonna fall right into place  
if we only had a way to make it all fall faster everyday  
if only time flew like a dove  
we gotta make it fly faster than I'm falling in love

this time we're not giving up  
let's make it last forever  
screaming "hallelujah"  
we'll make it last forever

holding onto patience, wearing thin  
I can't force these eyes to see the end  
if only time flew like a dove  
we could watch it fly and just keep looking on

this time we're not giving up  
let's make it last forever  
screaming "hallelujah"  
we'll make it last forever

and we've got time on our hands  
and we've got, got nothing but time on our hands  
got nothing but, got nothing but  
got nothing but time on our hands

this time we're not giving up  
oh, let's make it last forever  
screaming "hallelujah"  
"hallelujah"  
"hallelujah"

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**BPOV (Port Angeles)**

I nervously fiddled with my hands in my lap the entire ride home. He drove with such ease. An almost… abandon, like he was at home behind the wheel of this car.

Well, he was. This was his Volvo.

We rode the ferry back to Port Angeles in near silence—just content to be near each other. There wasn't much of a drive from the docks. I lived on the edge of town. A little two-story nothing apartment building, though originally, it wasn't even that. It was an old hotel that had been converted in to housing when tourists finally started realizing that there was simply nothing to see in Port Angeles.

He said his plane left early in the morning so he'd just walk down and catch it. It was amazing how small this town was but you could literally walk from one end to the other in less than an hour.

I was so self-conscious thinking about how far he'd gone in life since we'd split up. Edward had lived in Italy. He built a business for himself back east. He'd made enough money to move into a ritzy apartment in Seattle, according to Alice.

And here I was, little Bella nobody. The farthest I had made it away from home since we ended our relationship was Port Angeles. One whole hour away from Forks.

I was such a loser compared to this man.

"Is this the old Red Lion that Em used to take Jake to?" Edward wiggled his brows, and in the dim light from the street lamps that bounced sporadically off his face I could see he was smiling.

I couldn't help but laugh.

"I dunno. And I'm not sure I believe that rumor. I think they never needed a room. Em is pretty willing to do it just about anywhere… so I've heard."

Edward snorted. "Yeah, Alice loves to share Rose's exploits, too."

He spoke with such a casual voice, like he was someone else. Maybe we both were. I felt relaxed talking to him. I wasn't worried about every word I said, like I would have been in the past.

The secret was out.

Edward knew about the baby. Edward and I had mourned the passing of our child together. And we had both survived.

Somewhere in my brain, Alec was laughing like Jabba the hut.

_Yeah, yeah, I know. It wasn't as bad as I had feared._

Frankly, I was disgusted with myself for not having the guts to trust him with it sooner. I should have appreciated the life I had with my family and friends. Should have written off Charlie long ago and just believed in the life and love around me.

_There's a fucking Hallmark card for you, Bella._

I watched the sidewalks fly by in the dark as we got closer to my home.

Should have. But there was still, even now, this little ache inside of me that didn't feel comfortable talking about any of it. It was like the exhaustion you felt in your muscles after running a mile. The strain and pressure had been wrapped around this secret for so long that it almost hurt more to let it out than it had to hold it in.

It wasn't just the fatigue from dealing with Charlie's death. It was knowing that I put so many people through shit just to save myself what I thought would be worse pain.

I was such an idiot. A selfish fucking idiot.

A soul-sucking demon.

I should have told Edward that I was pregnant.

But I knew what he would have done.

"I'm sorry." My voice broke the silence with the resounding truth. His only answer was a sharp intake of breath. I didn't give him time to actually say anything.

"I can't imagine how alone you felt all these years, Edward. I don't know what anyone else has told you, if anyone else has even tried to tell you… I just… I'm sorry."

I turned to face him and noticed that he was still just staring straight ahead. Lost in his own memories, and maybe even some regrets that he had from the past couple of years, too—I remembered very vividly the night we were in this car, having a discussion about how he would be the one to fuck up our future.

What an ironic gutter slut fate could be.

I bit my lip and continued to walk back through my life since the day we had sex. "If I had… told you…back when I found out…"

"That you were pregnant?" he asked as if he could read my mind.

I resisted the urge to huff. I hadn't missed the psychic Edward. I took a weary breath. I might have confessed the very darkness of my soul to everyone this afternoon but that didn't mean I was ready to skip down the street all happy and hopeful.

When you turned on the light to the attic, nothing was different. It was just there. No longer hidden, but far from erased.

It was going to take a whole hell of a lot of time and talking to get me to let old habits go. Fearing Edward would reject me because of how I had treated him… that would be the hardest thing for me to overcome.

_No, Bella, _that damn voice in my head warned. _Accepting yourself in spite of your faults will be. _Sometimes I just wished I could bitch slap the inner me. If she had so much wisdom to dispense, why wasn't she showing me how to live by it?

"If you had told me… when was that? Right after the audition?" he speculated. I nodded, biting my lip and suddenly no longer wanting to go down this road of should have, Could have, Would have.

"I would've fucking shown up at your window and talked you into running away…" His words confirmed what I had already guessed he would do.

"Or some dumbshit move like that," he finished. I furrowed my brows.

"So you wouldn't do that now?"

He laughed, glancing over at me with sparkling eyes and that damn crooked smile that made my panties melt. "No, Love. I….I think I finally grew up." He winked and turned his eyes back to the road.

I watched him, Mr. I-grew-out-of-my-old-ways-over-night. My turn to laugh.

"Bullshit," I said, crossing my arms over my chest and smirking at him. "Once a dumbshit…always a dumbshit, Edward Cullen."

His face grew serious and he flicked on the turn signal even though the street was empty.

I snapped my mouth shut. I wasn't sure if our humor suited each other anymore. Had it ever? I really couldn't remember laughing that much as a kid.

"You're right," he finally said, pulling into a parking stall where I had told him my apartment was. His voice was low, with almost no sound. His eyes were focused forward, past the windshield and off into the choices he'd made in his past.

"When it comes to you… reason goes out the window."

He got out of the car. I felt like I was suddenly in some loop of the past. That night…that last fucking fateful night when I was still a kid with stupid kid problems. That night that I had told Edward I didn't believe in him and didn't trust him to not fuck everything up. That night that we fought, and he left me alone in this car, in this very spot.

I felt like I was right back there.

My life ended that night. What little hope I had had of growing up normal….or at least not crazy and so depressed that I ruined the lives of everyone I loved, had died the second he'd stepped out of this car. Edward never saw the old me after that. He got out of the car…and Bella forever stayed in.

I blinked back tears as I reached for the door handle, shocked when the door swung open for me.

There he was, this new Edward.

All grown up.

He smiled down at me, raising his thumb to my cheek and wiping away the one tear that teetered on the edge of my eyelid.

"No more tears, Bella, I'm never leaving you again, Baby," he promised. I tried to smile up at him. One day I might feel okay with this man's love and devotion aimed at me so passionately. But for now, I just felt unworthy.

What could I give Edward in return?

I had nothing. I'd had my anger and my fear for so long but now that he was back, those had dissolved and I was just left shaking and empty.

I was afraid that I didn't even really know how to love. He had gone through so much physical pain all of his life. And I only added to his emotional pain with my inability to see myself as anything worth loving.

I wanted, more than anything, to just hold him and promise him every single day of forever. But I was broken. As much as I'd changed and come face to face with lately, I couldn't change that over night.

And Edward would always deserve better.

"You frown any harder and I'm going to insist we get drunk tonight, Bella," he warned.

I rolled my eyes. I'd just be depressed if alcohol was involved. He shook his head.

"On second thought, never mind. Booze and I don't mix well anymore."

I raised a questioning brow at that and he just shrugged me off.

I fumbled with the keys. He just stood quietly beside me, his hands in his pockets and a light smirk on his lips.

"Can I take a shower?" he asked shyly, once we were standing in my entryway.

_Shy? Since when was Edward Cullen shy?_

I nodded and pointed toward my bedroom. "It's just past my bed…" I blushed as I gave him directions in my very small apartment.

He chuckled, rising a hand to my face. "Missed that shit," he mumbled while running the back of his fingers along the pink flush on my cheeks.

"You stink," I teased.

He threw his head back and laughed, making me laugh and smile along with him. One of the more simply perfect moments of my life.

"You wanna join me?" he teased back. His eyes twinkled in that way that warned Edward was in the mood to joke tonight.

"Uh….I …um…" I didn't have an immediate response. My head was screaming 'Yes'. The obvious answer to Edward Cullen asking you to shower with him was always, yes.

But I was so lame at all of this.

He laughed and drew me into a gentle hug. I drank deep of his scent while pressed up against his chest. He didn't smell bad to me.

I felt him kiss the top of my head. "I love you, Bella. Don't worry about it, baby. There will be plenty more times for us to shower together in the future."

I thumped my forehead against his chest and sighed. "If you say so," I grumbled.

He laughed and reached down to slap my ass. I was too shocked to react with anything but a gasp and a wide-eyed stare as he headed toward my bedroom.

I followed behind him, ignoring my answering machine and the stack of mail on the floor. I might have been home but the greater part of my mind was still back in Victoria.

I kicked off my shoes, peeled off my socks and let my mind go blank. There were too many thoughts in my brain again. Too much that I had forced myself to face in the last twenty four hours.

The clock on my bedside table read four a.m. I rolled my eyes.

_Too fucking late to think._

He'd be leaving soon. His flight left at eight.

I could hear the shower running, but what drew me closer to the bathroom door were the sounds he was making. They weren't perverted or disgusting sounds, unless you were a woman in her twenties who had only ever had sex three times and desperately wanted to have it again with the guy making those sounds. They were just the sounds guys made when… doing things. He cleared his throat. Grunted while he washed his body under what I assumed was a blistering hot spray.

Edward always liked a hot shower.

I pressed my ear to the wood and closed my eyes. I had forgotten what it was like to have those noises in my life. Each deep groan of his voice was pure Edward. And it was a reminder that he was here, with me.

I was not alone.

I was so lost in the simple pleasure of that knowledge that I missed the sound of the shower cutting off and suddenly I lost my balance, falling into the bathroom, when he opened the door. Luckily I didn't land on my face.

Instead, my face landed on Edward's chest.

"Sorry," I mumbled against his still hot, wet skin.

He chuckled and the vibrations from his laugh shook his chest. I closed my eyes. God, I had missed this man.

"You should have joined me," he teased.

I blushed and scrambled to back off of him. He hadn't dried off yet, he was still naked. My eyes bugged out while my head was still pointed down.

_Holy crap, he was well endowed. _

My hands slid around his chest as I tried to shove off of him. He continued laughing but didn't make a move to help me. Finally, I dug my fingers against his abs and caught some leverage to steady myself.

I stepped back, unable to make eye contact with him.

"Sorry… I …"

"Was listening to me shower?" I could hear the smirk in his voice.

I rolled my eyes and reached over to grab him a towel. "Stop dripping on my floor, please," I spat.

I moved to turn around and he caught my elbow, turning me back to face him. "I'm not saying jump back into it tonight, Isabella."

I blushed harder when he called me by my full name. The only person who ever called me Isabella was my mother. And only when I was in trouble.

Instantly, my mind pictured Edward spanking me for being bad. I shook my head, he was still talking.

"But eventually we're going to get over this being naked round each other bit, right?"

I looked up at his face. I expected smirking, teasing Edward to be peering down at me. Instead I found vulnerable, unsure Edward watching me with cautious eyes.

I felt like a damn scatterbrain as I swooned at the look of insecurity on his face. I couldn't keep one mood or thought straight in my head tonight. I blamed him. Edward was adorable when he looked at me like that. But as instantly as I had been ready to melt at his feet, I chastised myself for his need to look like that at all.

I felt ready to puke as all of my short comings started piling on my shoulders. "Yes…I mean … Sorry! I … one day, Edward…I promise…"

"Bella," he cut in and put his hands on my shoulders. His vulnerability was replaced with his intensity. "Don't worry about it."

I shook my head to cut him off. "No, Edward. I want to get over it. I've always wanted to just be naked around you… I mean…" I slapped my hand to my forehead as I heard his sharp laugh.

"Shit," I grumbled.

He wrapped his arms around me and didn't bother to hide his chuckles at my stupidity. "Me too, baby, me too."

"You know what I meant," I mumbled against his chest.

He let out a deep breath and put his chin on top of my head. "I think so." Like everything else tonight, his voice went from carefree to harsh reality. "Naked and us seems to lead to tears too fucking often."

"I don't know…that night in the hotel room was kind of nice." I kept my face hidden as I told him that. I was too ridiculously inexperienced in all of this to be comfortable talking about sex. Even with him.

"Oh fuck!" he cursed and jumped back like someone had hit him.

"What?" I tried not to look down again as he stepped back and I realized he was still naked. Clearly, Edward had no problem being without clothing around me.

"I…so fucking stupid…but we…I've…never even thought of having one with me…"

He paced back and forth in my room. Sitting on the bed like he was thinking about something complex and frustrating. Glancing up at me and getting more and more agitated as he tried to work out whatever it was going on in his head.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck," he kept mumbling under his breath.

"What?" I asked exasperatedly.

He peeked up at me with his eyebrows raised and a mixture of fear and guilt in his eyes. Apparently, I wasn't the only one who had a tough time breaking old habits.

"I… we…it was unprotected," he spat almost too fast for me to understand.

"What was?" I looked at him densely.

"That night…and on the roof…when we…the …sex," he whispered the word _sex. _

I couldn't help it I broke down in fits of giggles.

It had been one of the longest weeks of my life. I was still awake at four in the morning and Edward Cullen, God among men in the body department, Lord of "let's get over this being naked around each other", was just as clueless in so many ways with all of this as I was.

"This isn't funny," Edward growled. I tried to calm my chuckles as his eyes darkened. I knew in his mind he was seeing what unprotected sex had done to us before.

But that sort of made me laugh all the more. He had traveled the world and become so educated on everything. And yet, in the end, I was the one who planned ahead.

"I know," I giggled one last time and caught my breath. I knew the fastest way to ease his fear would be a contact of our skin. I walked slowly over to him and nudged his knees apart. I stood between his still naked legs and placed my hands on either side of his face. He sighed on contact and drew his arms around me to secure me in place.

"Don't worry about it," I said, mimicking his usual casual tone and winking.

He scowled. "Why?"

I smirked. "Well, if you're trying to tell me you had tons of unprotected sex with women in Europe and you've got a bunch of venereal diseases, then maybe we should worry about it. If you're worried that I'm going to get pregnant…then don't worry."

"You're just that confident in the plumbing?" He asked like the idiot he could be sometimes.

"No. Well… I'm that confident in the shot."

His hands that had been rubbing circles at my side froze and his eyes glanced to the side as if he had to look away to sort out the meaning of what I just said.

"The what…"

"Depo. I get one every three months."

"Depo? What the shit is that?" His face was a mixture of horror and stupidity.

I sighed. "Seriously, Edward? You don't know what a Depo-Provera shot is? It's birth control." I shrugged. I didn't see the big deal in it. Plenty of women used contraceptives.

"Oh," he mumbled. His arms slipped from around me and his body sagged. He didn't raise his eyes to meet mine.

"What?" His reaction panicked me. What had I done that was so wrong?

"Nothing. It's smart. Good to know." He nodded and gently pushed me out of his way so he could stand and get dressed.

That pissed me off.

"What it is? It's not like it's against your beliefs. You said yourself you would have used a condom if you knew… What is it? Edward," I prodded.

He pulled on his boxers with his back to me. I could tell by the set of his shoulders that he was disturbed. I wrapped my arms around me, trying to hug away the creeping sensation of rejection.

It served me right to feel it. I had toyed with his emotions and desires for so long. If this is what he felt each time I had pulled away without an explanation…

"Birth control." His statement hung in the air—like those two words explained anything.

"So?"

He shrugged, still not facing me. "So…"

I huffed. "And when are we getting over this fucking nonsense, Mr. Cullen?"

He glared over his shoulder at me. "What fucking nonsense?"

"We need to talk…. How am I supposed to get to a place where I'm comfortable being around you naked if I can't trust you to talk to me?"

Communicating had never been our strength. I was having a mental breakdown, people screaming from a burning building inside my brain, with what I had just said. My cheeks flushed and my eyes started to water from the fear. All triggers I had spent the last five years of my life working to recognize and change.

_Give me proof you want to make this work, Edward._

He sighed, running his fingers through his damp, unruly hair. "Sorry. New shit to deal with…Maybe we need a rule book or something." He laughed, quiet and lacking in humor.

"Just tell me. What's so wrong with me getting the shot?" I walked forward, placing my hands gingerly on his still bare chest. My peace offering. I could show trust in him standing here without clothes on if he could just tell me what bothered him.

His eyes were sad. His lips turned down in a… resignation. "Birth control," he repeated.

I prompted further explanation with a raise of my eyebrows but didn't speak.

He let out a frustrated breath. "Sex. People take that shit for sex." He gave me one last look of devastated longing and cast his eyes to the side.

It took every ounce of my willpower to not punch him in the face.

Edward was implying that I had what… been off whoring since he left? That really made me feel good. Best case scenario he was upset because I was okay with having sex with someone who wasn't him. Worst case scenario he thought I was willing to have sex with just about anyone.

I withdrew my hands from his chest. He had kept up his side of the arrangement. He was honest with me. He thought I was a slut because I got a birth control shot.

"Good night, Edward," I mumbled quietly. He watched me climb in to bed, alone, wordlessly. I turned on to my side, unable to close my eyes. The only indication of him leaving the room was my light switching off.

I knew I had begged for his communication but I was exhausted past the point of defending myself tonight.

Let him think what he wanted to think. I had agreed to get the shot for many reasons. Sex being the last possible purpose. Alec, and even Jazz for that matter, had tried to bring my view on sex and my body into a positive light. Like Jazz giving me that first vibrator a few years ago, I approached my body with a need to control.

The shot was just another way for me to do that.

Like some placebo pill that made me feel secure that I would not contract the latest deadly virus, that shot allowed me to relax that I would not become pregnant. Whether I was fucking a guy a not didn't seem to matter to me. But knowing that when I was finally ready to have sex that I would have control over whether or not I got pregnant… well, that gave me a peace of mind that even Edward couldn't understand.

Obviously.

It was a very big reason I was more at ease with him in his hotel room that night. I put my trust in Edward implicitly. He would never hurt me on purpose. I loved him. I knew he loved me.

But I had a hard time trusting me…more directly trusting my body.

I squeezed my eyes shut tightly. Everything swirled and crashed inside my skull.

I ached.

I felt a small sense of release of the anger I once held in my heart.

I felt tears start to slip through the edges of my scrunched eyelids.

And at some blessed moment of mercy… I finally slipped into unconsciousness.

_I was standing in Charlie's kitchen, watching him pull one of his steaks from the freezer. _

_Alone._

_Silent._

_Caught up in the mundane movements of his life. The sleeves of his button-down shirt were shoved up his arms. The skin from his wrists to his elbows was covered in some sort of thick black material._

_I didn't notice anything else in the room. Was the table still in the corner? Did the clock still hang on the wall above the backdoor? I didn't know. It felt like the movers should have been here by now to clean out this room. But there Charlie stood, in front of the sink._

_I stood next to him by the countertop. He never once looked over to notice me. Never once acknowledged my presence. He just went about preparing his expensive meal. _

_He didn't seem so intimidating to me now. I had seen behind his curtain. Revealed him for the empty shell of a man that he was. His drawers weren't filled with scary secrets. Just socks._

_He was no longer some mystery for me to solve._

_He was just empty space._

_Empty movement._

_Nothing meant anything here._

_One of his arms reached in front of me. I noticed that the black covering on his arm was several tiny bands._

_Hair bands._

_My hair bands._

_Like hundreds of thin, almost indiscernible reminders shoved together to make a solid statement, Charlie's arms were swathed in what must have been every hair band I had ever brought into his house._

_I stared at the blackness covering his skin._

_From some possession I could not understand, I reached out and gripped one of the many black strands, pulled it till I felt tension in the elastic, and let it go. It snapped back to his flesh with a sharp thwack. _

_Charlie remained oblivious._

_So I did it again. This time picking a band higher up his arm._

_Thwack._

_Still nothing from Charlie._

_Again, on his wrist._

_Thwack._

_Silence._

_Again on his other arm._

_Thwack._

_Not even a blink of his eyes._

_Thwack._

_Thwack._

_Thwack._

_It didn't take me long to give up. Punishing him would get me nowhere. He didn't give a fuck. I couldn't hurt him. And trying to hurt him was only continuing to hurt me._

_I took a step back, Charles Swan still immersed in his cooking, and I screamed. Screamed at the top of my lungs. Screamed till I felt that spot in the back of my head ache from the strain on my system._

_Screamed like I wanted to do every single minute I had spent in this damn room._

I woke with a jolt.

First there was darkness. Then there was a soft glow of the sunrise lighting my vision. All I could see was Edward's face enveloping my world with eyes staring with intensity straight back into mine.

"It's okay, sweetheart, I'm here." His voice was soothing—velvet folds of security wrapping around me through my sense of hearing.

The screaming in my mind was silenced and calmed by his face and the comfort of his voice.

"Edward," I croaked, sounding like I had truly been screaming for hours on end. I nuzzled my nose against his chest and breathed deep.

His scent was washing over me and relaxing me further.

I wasn't alone.

I would never become my father.

His arms were around me, securing me to him. His hands were running up and down my back- over my shoulders, down my arms and occasionally stroking through my hair.

I was wrapped in a cocoon of Edward.

Through the fear of my recent nightmare, I smiled.

"I love you."

He drew his head back. I raised my eyes to see him smiling down at me.

"I love you, too," he reminded me.

I sighed as he quirked an eyebrow.

"Do you really have to ask what it was about?" I grumbled.

His smile softened and his eyes grew sad. "It will get better, Bella," he promised.

I pulled back from his chest and he shifted his arms to still be around me but not clutching me so tightly.

"That's not what I want to hear."

He smirked and raised a finger to my face. He trailed his finger down my nose and across my lips as he spoke.

"I know. What we want to hear and what is the truth is never the same fucking thing."

I sighed again, rolling on to my back. "How does it get better?"

I could feel him shrug beside me. "It gets… less. Less consuming to want to make it all make sense. Less desire to ever have it the way you wanted it to be. You deal. You move on."

Edward fucking Cullen and his I-just-bounce-right-the-fuck-back-no-worries-on-my-shoulders.

I watched the darkness seeping back into the corners of the ceiling as the sun continued to rise.

"You know… when I was a kid," I whispered to the exiting shadows. "There was this day. This one day that I was at his house all alone with him. I was sick. Renee was at some party with Runny and Em was at some sort of sports camp. I was…" My eyes squinted, trying to see the former me in my head. "Six…five maybe? And he sat with me on the couch all day long. I got to use the fluffy blanket that I got rid of when I turned thirteen and decided I was too cool for shit like that."

Edward laughed.

"And he held me in his lap while we watched the same movie over and over again."

"What was the movie?"

I thought back, seeing me snuggled on top of Charlie's lap and both of us smiling at the characters on the screen.

"Beauty and the Beast. The Disney version. The good version," I clarified. He laughed again.

"It never happened again. Hell… I don't think I even remembered that it happened at all until right now."

The room was silent for a handful of heartbeats after I was done with my half thought-memory.

"So… he loved you," Edward whispered.

Like it had when Alec told me that Charlie's house was my first home, an anger I couldn't comprehend squeezed my guts when he said it. I wanted to deny it.

"Maybe," I admittedly quietly.

"When I was a kid, Ed used to take me to the park. You remember that one I took you with the swings… just like…"

"A block from the house, yeah." I remembered it. Back when we lived in Seattle, Edward had bought me an ice cream cone and taken me for a walk where we ended up sitting on those swings and watching the sun set. It had been one of my favorite days.

"Yeah, that place. He took me there… all of the time. Back when he was…happy. Before the accident. He used to push me on those swings. And helped me build sand castles." His voice was a hushed whisper. An emotion was creeping into the edges of his words that I didn't think he recognized.

Edward never talked about Ed.

He had told me just about everything there was to know about his deadbeat mother, Tanya. But he only ever mentioned in passing that Ed Masen beat his children and then died.

Mr. I-have-no-worries had a button after all. Ed.

"That's where his accident happened. He crashed into the tree at the edge of that park. He was drunk—almost home. He swerved to miss traffic and hit that tree."

It was quiet for a long time. The shadows were all but gone. I made no move to ask for more information. I wasn't exactly sure what part of that story was meant to reassure me. Mostly, I figured we were just sharing moments. I felt safe and confided in him, and for the first time since I met him, Edward was doing the same with me.

Finally, he drew in a sharp, deep breath. "I started taking Jazz down there once he was big enough. Used to push him on the swings. Dared him to eat some of the sand," he chuckled as I swatted his chest. "I was a kid myself, baby. And I was too scared to stay in that house every second of the day. So I decided to take my kid brother out. Did the… the dad thing with him. Because I loved him. And I knew when I was his age, that's what my dad did with me to make me feel loved."

I put my hand on his cheek and drew his focus to my face. "We're fucked up," I whispered.

He smirked, my crooked smile smirk.

"I think you're on to something there, Ms. Swan."

I took a deep breath and started running my index finger over the angles of his face—just like I used to when he slept, back when we lived together. He was awake now, and I let my adoration for him flow through my touch. Down his straight nose. Across his high cheek. Edward closed his eyes and all but purred. I traced his eyebrows, one at a time and swirled my finger around his lips.

He puckered his lips and kissed my finger on the third pass.

"I don't get the shot for sex, sweetheart."

Last night, only a few short hours earlier in fact, I had been angry with his assumption. He saw birth control as an indicator that I was having sex. I couldn't see any way to talk to him without feeling I had to defend myself. I had different eyes now. I didn't want to challenge him. I didn't want to make him understand me through bitter words of hate. I just wanted to help him see me.

His brown eyes blinked up at me in confusion and trust.

"It's part of my…treatment. Control." I shrugged my shoulders and tried to find the right way to explain myself. "When I woke up… well, Jazz can tell you this part better… but I hated me. Hated this." I waved towards my body, tears ready to flow. I had thought looking at myself in the mirror and owning my actions was the hardest stage of my therapy.

I was wrong.

Looking Edward in the eye… was a thousand times more difficult.

His arms secured around me and his face was inches from mine. "I'm not going anywhere, Bella. Just tell me, baby," he whispered.

"I tried to kill myself."

He blanched at my words. They were matter-of-fact. I wanted my life to end back then.

"I wanted to not go on living…for a very long time…just stop…existing. I held on to you, Edward, held on to the promise of living for you. But I couldn't stand this body." My chest was heavy admitting this. Facing it. Looking him in the eyes as I finally confessed the reason he could never touch me back then.

"It betrayed me…betrayed us."

He listened. He rubbed my back. His eyes even teared up. But he didn't interrupt me with words.

"Taking birth control is like me being able to trust my body. Like training wheels on a bike. Yes. Eventually the goal is to work up to having sex. But… mostly it was to help me not fear my body. Getting pregnant has been my biggest…It's terrified me since I was fifteen. Taking birth control was like a night light, you know?"

He nodded. Just like when we were kids, his eyes didn't shine with pity but rather just emotion. Edward looked sad and pissed all at once.

"I love you." His words were strong, and clear in the morning light. There was a time I was naïve enough to think that just being able to say those words could mend everything.

They couldn't undo time and fix my mistakes. Nor could they pay my bills. There was a lot in this world that would remain evil and wrong despite the two of us saying those three little words to each other.

But I was healed more and more, each time he reminded me that he loved me. Each time those words passed his lips… a part of me kept breathing…kept wanting to breathe.

"But I really do think we need a rule book here… or we at least need…you know," he mumbled and shrugged. "Find some way to warn each other before we talk about stuff. I've ceased to make sense," he chuckled drowsily. I noticed his eyes were droopy with the need for sleep. One more time I was forcing him to deny his needs to help me.

"I'm tired of fighting and crying," I mumbled sagging against him. "I love you, and I wish I could just be a normal girl who could just enjoy you being here and loving me."

He chuckled, sounding like his eyes were shut already and he was succumbing to slumber. I was cradled against his chest, feeling almost lulled to sleep by the even rhythm of his breaths.

"What did I tell you about fucking normal?" he grumbled in a sleepy voice.

"Mike Newton is normal," I repeated, yawning against his still naked pecks. Didn't he own a shirt?

I felt his head nod and his arms squeezed around me. "And, last time I checked, he's not here." Even though he was nearly unconscious, you couldn't miss the gloat in his voice.

I rolled my eyes. "Please promise me that you won't go out of your way to torture that poor guy. He was a really, really good friend to me, Edward," I pushed back and gave him my "Bella means business" glare.

His eyes were all but closed and he tried, very hard, to keep a straight face.

"I'll do my best, Ms. Swan."

**-**-Bookends-**-**

(one week later)

I ran to my bedroom, tossing my keys and purse on my bed and nearly missed the chair as I landed in front of my computer. It was almost four o'clock. I turned on the machine and entered my login information. My foot tapped anxiously on the floor.

_Since when did technology move slower than dinosaurs?_

Finally my desktop loaded and I selected the icon for Skype. I was nearly giddy to see he was already logged in. Everyday since he left for Seattle, he called me at four o'clock on the dot. Yesterday was the first time I thought of this.

I could freaking kiss Alec for mentioning it to me yesterday morning during my session. I never realized how much I missed Edward's face. He was gorgeous, of course, so it wasn't hard to understand why anyone would want to see him all of the time. But what I missed was being able to read what he was thinking. Edward could read me like an open book—one that was written for toddlers and only had a few words on the page with lots of illustrations. I wasn't that complex of a mystery.

But Edward was. I never knew what he was thinking. How he felt about something. He had perfected a mask his entire life to protect himself from the cruelty around him. He didn't want anyone to see how vulnerable he was. Truth was, he was easy enough to read, too. You just had to look into his eyes.

To anyone else, they were brown eyes—dark as semi sweet chocolate and at times as thick as mud with the amount emotions swirling in them. There was no way to pretty up that color in words. Brown was brown to most people. Not as happy as yellow. And nowhere near as passionate as red. There weren't stones I could compare it to. Nor was there any way to truly capture the subtle changes in the vibrancy of the shade when his moods changed.

Brown was just brown. But brown was gorgeous and deep with Edward. Like the melted, sweet, delicious confection that was a chocolate chip in a freshly baked cookie, Edward's eyes could pour over you and make you hunger for their return as soon as they were devoured by your appetite.

I licked my lips as my screen loaded the video. Comparing Edward to cookies was not helping either my 'I'm sleeping alone' complex or my 'I should give up sweets' mission.

There was a button you hit once you saw that someone wanted to talk to you that turned on the camera. I adjusted my camera using the preview box on my screen. But I was quickly distracted from pressing my button when I saw that Edward already had his camera turned on.

He must have just flipped it on as soon as he logged in. He had his head down and his eyes were focused intently on something below the camera.

Sketching. No doubt he was passing the time, waiting for me, by drawing something. Waiting for me. After all of this time… all the shit we put each other through by being too afraid to talk to each other… he was still just as eager to see me as I was to see him.

He must have received some indication that I was on because he glanced up as if he just knew I was watching him.

I could describe Edward's eyes for hours. Well, maybe not the color but definitely the sensation that having those two orbs aimed at me created in me. But I could never describe his smile.

He glanced directly at his camera, and thereby looking directly at me and his lips melted into that crooked smile that was all Edward. There were no words to really tell what he looked like when he did that. It was a combination of sexy and dorky. Quiet and roaring. Lazy but in control. And when you knew he was flashing it just for you… my heart flipped a little and I lost my breath for a second.

I would never love anything the way I loved this man.

"Turn on your camera, Bella. I can see that you're here," he informed me.

I sighed. I was enjoying my voyeurism.

I clicked open and tried to offer him half the welcome he gave me with his stunning smile. I knew it wouldn't come close to comparing. No one was as beautiful as Edward.

"Hey gorgeous."

I snorted. He was calling me gorgeous?

"Hey, Mr. Magoo," I teased. He laughed.

"Rule number one," he said, holding up a finger. I rolled my eyes. He was going to take this rule shit seriously apparently. "You will not be putting yourself down anymore. You are beautiful. And I can tell you that as often as I want."

"Geez, you're bossy," I huffed.

He glared and I giggled. The mental image of Edward in his apartment glaring at his computer was too cute.

"And you're even more beautiful when you laugh."

I took a deep breath and resisted the urge to roll my eyes again. I didn't comment on the rule or the compliment. I understood what he was saying. Alec often tried to encourage a less self-deprecating voice to come from my head too. There wasn't really one in there, though.

Maybe one day I could allow Edward to tell me I was pretty and smart and a good person. But I didn't know if I would ever believe him. Didn't think that I would ever be able to say any of that stuff about myself because I thought it was true.

"Can I make up rules too?"

His smirk pulled far enough to flash some of his teeth. It made me shiver at the memory of what his teeth could do.

"Sure."

"Okay…" I bit my lip and thought about it. What did I think Edward and I needed to keep in mind with each other?

"Bella?"

Well, that answered that. "Rule number two," I held up to fingers and wiggled them around for emphasis. He chuckled. "Give it time. I know that there's a comfort level we both feel right now, Edward. But there are also a lot of pitfalls we both have in our way. Don't get discouraged when you find mine popping up too fast, 'kay?"

His eyes grew dark and his face scrunched in confusion. "What do you mean?"

I sighed and looked at my hands.

"Stop that." His voice was perturbed.

I glanced up. "Stop what? Thinking?"

He shook his head, confusion still the dominant mood on his features. "No. Rule number three. We always look each other in the eye. I can't see… _you_ without seeing your eyes," he explained.

I sat, blinking. Wasn't that why I loved to see his eyes when we talked?

"Okay. Back to rule number two. I meant that… as much as we want to trust each other, we both have lived apart for a very long time. I don't really know you." I waved to the image on my computer screen. "I knew the you five years ago but not the you that is here now. And, trust me, this has changed too," I finished, waving toward myself.

"I know that, Bella."

"I know you know but we can't expect that we know what isn't known. You know?"

Edward laughed and shook his head. "The funniest fucking thing about that is, you actually just made perfect sense." He nodded. "Got it, baby, we'll just roll with the punches."

I smiled. "Exactly. So…how was your day?"

He shrugged. "Okay. Kate has some dinner parties scheduled for the next week or so. It's going to be that political schmoozing kind of bullshit that I hate in this industry but it's a living."

"So… um… tell me about this Kate person," I asked, trying for nonchalance and failing horribly. Edward tried not to laugh at me. He knew that I could be jealous when I wanted to be.

"She's a good buddy. My manager, but also my friend. She… helped me build Cullen Mastery…"

"Cullen Mastery?" I had heard Alice talking about that before but never put it together with Edward's name.

"That's the name of my company. My art is a… _registered trademark_," he said, putting his hands up by his face and giving the phrase air quotes. "We sell prints and other stuff." He shrugged. Who was being self-deprecating now?

"And other stuff?" I prodded, not planning on letting the Kate discussion drop altogether just yet.

"I also have a foundation… organization…whatever the legal term they finally decided on was. It's an art school in New York. One for under-privileged youth. Well, the arts… music, art and drama."

My mouth hung open. Really? I spent the last five years digging my way out of a ditch of depression. Only writing a book because I needed some way to vent the hailstorm in my head. And only being able to publish that book because the guy in front of me sent me the money to me to do it. But Edward built his name and his art into a corporation. One that not only was lucrative for his future but that helped give children an opportunity at reaching their dreams as well.

I scowled.

"What?"

"Nothing," I grumbled.

"Bella…"

I huffed. "I'm trying not to break rule one. Give me a sec."

He laughed. "It sounds more impressive than it is. I promise. It's easy to accomplish shit when you have money, Bella, trust me."

I nodded. "Yeah, I know. I keep meaning to thank you for that, too."

"What do you mean?"

I shook my head. I didn't want to mix my 'I'm not worthy' angst with his 'I made something of myself' speech.

Plus, I wanted to know more about this chick he'd just built his empire with.

"Kate," I reminded him.

"Is a friend, Bella, nothing more."

I pursed my lips and glared. Bullshit. No woman, even if she was a ninety-two year old lesbian, would not want something to do with Edward.

"So then, tell me about her."

"She's tough. She gets the job done. She carries a bat…"

"She what?"

He laughed. "Kate's not afraid to get her point across in the end. She keeps a baseball next to her desk and when people get pissy…" he shrugged.

"Are you serious?"

He nodded with a sincere face. "Yep. She's actually swung it at me a time or two."

"I…why…what…"

"Bella?" Edward interjected. "Can we just talk about us, or other stuff? I spend all day at work and I have a dinner party to attend tonight in a few hours. I would rather not spend all my time with you talking about that."

"No," I pouted. "You are deflecting my question."

"No I'm not. I told you about Kate. What else did you ask?" His voice was irate but that wouldn't scare me from the subject. In fact that just pushed me to believe there was more for him to tell.

"I was implying a question, Edward, and you are purposely trying to ignore it. Have you and Kate ever…" I made a face that and nodded my head.

What he did next shocked me to the core. Edward mother fucking Cullen actually blushed. His cheeks flushed and even the tips of his ears turned pink. He looked sheepish and broke rule number three.

I snapped my fingers. "Hey buddy, eyes forward," I barked.

He let out a nervous laugh and swallowed like it was hard for him to speak. "We've never… done _that_," he started. My heart sunk. What had they done? "Look… Kate's a good friend and yes… she has expressed…oh fuck," he grumbled.

I couldn't help it. I pouted and pictured what this Kate must look like. All tall, leggy and blonde, no doubt. Beautiful and successful, like him. A part of the art world, like him. A part of his everyday life.

"Don't look like that. It's not like I wasn't _engaged _to her or anything." His sarcastic glare did little to help my wounded ego.

"True. But Mike never once kissed me or even touched me without me initiating the contact. In fact, I put my own engagement ring on my own finger."

"Rule number four," Edward amended in a quiet and sad sounding voice. "No more mentioning Newton touching you. Ever."

I was offended in what he implied. That my having anything to do with the guy who helped me work through my pain was a bad thing. That my relationship with Mike was something ugly and tainted and too disgusting for words. I knew his anger was rooted in the same type of jealously I was experiencing, but I hadn't told him to never have any further contact with Kate.

"So… has Kate ever touched you?"

Edward scowled harder at me. "What the hell does that have to do with anything?"

"Answer the fucking question, Cullen. Did. She. Touch. You?"

He thought about it. It was like watching someone trying to figure out a very complicated math problem.

"Um…I don't know?" The blush was back, with a vengeance and he was looking at me like what he said was a question more than a statement.

"The night I…" His eyes wandered off the screen and he seemed to be looking at something like it explained everything. "There was this one night. I hadn't been back in the States long. And…one day I'll explain my issue with drinking…" I opened my mouth but he held up one finger to silence me. "So that night I… did something that reminded me of you…which leads to me drinking… which led to getting my tattoo."

He nodded like he had finally answered the question for himself.

"Where did Kate touching you come in to play?" I asked perplexed.

"Oh, Kate was with me when I was drinking…. Come to think of it her friend was the bartender… Lisa…Tracy… something like that. Anyway… she kept me well boozed and Kate talked me into getting a tatt. She took me to some new place she had heard of. I kind of remember the artist… Margie…Mary…whatever… neither of them liked what I chose. Said it was too simple." He shrugged. "All I wanted was a memory of you. A… scar on my flesh to remind myself that you had been there."

My turn to blush. Edward smiled as he noticed the change in my cheeks.

"I do remember the chick who inked me was handsy too. And not just with me. I don't remember much after that."

I scowled.

"Oh…" he cleared his throat. "I think Kate touched me that night because I wasn't wearing my shirt when I woke up. Pants were still on though and I was passed out on the floor in the bathroom so I'm guessing I wasn't something she wanted to touch much that night."

The image of Edward getting drunk in a bar with a group of women, a "handsy" tattoo artist marking his skin and then this Kate touching him was bouncing behind my eyes.

"Oh, well… that explains the tattoo, I guess," I offered.

He smirked. "Yeah, I wish I could say I regretted getting it but," he shrugged, "I never have. I like it. I feel like…I see you when I see it."

My turn to blush.

"Oh." I drew my bottom lip between my teeth and tried to come up with something phenomenal to say. Nothing.

"Bella?" I looked up to see his brown eyes serious, with a hint of a twinkle in them.

"Now that we've gone over some rules, and gotten the Kate and Mike talk out the way..."

I scowled—Mike was nothing like Kate.

"Can we get down to business?"

I raised my eyebrow in question.

"Cyber sex."

He said it completely straight-faced. So matter of fact. If I hadn't spent the last nearly twenty years of my life knowing Edward Cullen I might have taken him seriously.

"You bastard."

He roared with laughter on his end of the video connection.

He winked. That damn, suave, crotch-wetting Edward Cullen style of winking. "Baby… you know you want to."

The funny thing was _that_ didn't make me blush. It kind of…sounded like fun.

"Get naked," I commanded, straight-faced, with a hint of a smirk in my eyes.

His eyes turned wicked. His shirt was pulled over his head before I could blink.

"Don't mind if I do."

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**(the next day, Port Angeles)**

I stood outside the building for entirely too long. My mind was bouncing between this is the stupidest idea you have ever had to… it would be so fucking sexy to have some mark of Edward on my body.

He said that last night, that his tattoo was a reminder of me. That every time he saw it on his body, it was like seeing me.

I shivered. His tattoo sat at the perfect place on his abdomen that it almost pulsed when his body was gripped in the strain of release.

I made a mental note to thank Alec for the idea of those damn cameras. And to thank Edward for the suggestion of cyber sex.

I bit my lip. A girl emerged from behind the neon-lighted glass door, smiling and pulling out her phone. It didn't seem that bad. How bad could it be really? Physical pain was nothing.

Right?

I plucked up the courage and headed across the street. Edward had told me the name of the tattoo parlor he visited in Seattle, the one where he got his tattoo. I called the place this morning and asked for Mary. It was the best Edward could do with an exact name.

MJ, was apparently the name she went by now. I was told MJ had moved to PA for a couple of months. For some unexplainable reason I got in my car almost the second I hung up the phone and had been standing outside the tiny building ever since.

Deep breath, and I was through the door.

"Hello," a friendly-faced girl said from a chair in the corner. She sat straddled across the chair, reading a magazine. Her tri-colored hair was loosely pulled back to display her many silver appendages studded in her ears.

I swallowed. Hard.

What the fuck was I doing?

"Hi…I uh… was interested in…"

"Oh, you are fucking adorable," a different voice said from a doorway to a back room. This woman was completely different from the one in the chair. Both sported tatts, and both had several piercings, but the women in the doorway wore a pencil skirt and button down charcoal top. Her hair was dark, curly and pulled into a loose braid. She seemed out of place here.

I tried to smile, but the bile in my throat was making the happiness required for a smile hard to come by.

"You okay, sweetheart?" Multicolored hair girl asked.

I nodded. "I have to get this done before I back out," I said as quickly as I could.

The business chick laughed and blinked at me. "Ink is not something you want to end up regretting, babe. Trust me." She walked past the chick in the chair and they fist bumped over some secret they shared.

"Tell you what," chair girl said, jumping up from her seat and prancing over to me. "Why don't you come have a seat and we'll talk about what you want. That over there," she waved to business woman, "is my significant other. Pay her no attention, please. She actually was just on her way out." The woman waved at me but headed back to the back room without speaking.

"I'm MJ." Her smile was inviting and I took the hand she offered with relief, trying to not shake out my fears with her arm.

I followed her to the chair and sat in it, facing forward. "I want this." I pulled out the delicate chain that hung around my neck, revealing one of my most prized possessions.

"Wow," MJ whispered. "That's freaking sweet. Cool image. The flaming apple." She smiled up at me, trying to put me at ease.

I felt my lips match hers. She was pretty good at keeping me calm. "It's…there's this guy."

"Rule number one, babe, never get inked because of dude," came a voice from the back room.

"Stop with the Yoda of tatts shit, for fuck's sake. Your keys are in my bag. I'll see you next week," MJ yelled.

"Now, this guy… tell me about him… what does this mean to you two?"

I thought back to our childhood, back to the postcards that Edward sent me. I remembered the night he gave me this necklace.

MJ was watching me, she scrutinized my eyes. "Okay…where?"

I hadn't spoken a word. Hadn't answered any of her questions. "What?"

She pulled out a notebook and started sketching. "You want it…you _need _it. I can tell. Just tell me where to put it."

We debated. We held up mirrors. I realized that my ass was not something I needed to see in a three hundred and sixty degree mirror and we picked a spot.

She raised the needle to my back…and forever, Edward was a part of me.

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**EPOV (Forks, two weeks later)**

I stood back, glaring at all the basket options. Bella had only said she wanted a picnic. She didn't give me any specifics. How the hell was I supposed to surprise her with this shit?

There were small ones. Wicker ones. Plastic buckets that were just painted to look like a wicker basket. Some were huge. I had no idea what I was going to be serving. So I had no clue how big or small to get the damn thing.

My arms stayed folded over my chest, just as they had for the last twenty minutes. The fucking outfitters only had twelve aisles. I was bound to draw attention eventually.

My face scrunched in frustration and my eyes just kept scanning the baskets.

"Can I help you with anything, Sir?"

Fuck.

I didn't have to turn to know who that was. He didn't need me to turn to realize who he was trying to help.

"Um…" I really wanted to tell him to fuck off. But I also wanted to wow my baby.

I pointed the baskets all casual like. "Which one is the best for picnics?" There was a teenage version of myself rolling up his sleeves and getting ready to kick his older self's ass.

_Fucking sitting in a sporting goods store, asking prick Mike Newton to tell you about picnic baskets? _ I rolled my eyes. _You are so fucking whipped, Cullen._

Mike sincerely looked at each basket. He even took out a tape measure and sized a few up. Then he pulled out one and handed it to me. "This is the Coleman picnic express. It should hold everything you need. If you need a cooler, we have a matching one to this model right over here…" He kept speaking as he turned toward the back of the store.

Times like these I really wished I didn't have to be a fucking romantic with my girl. Truth be told, Bella would probably end up laughing her ass off at the very idea of me in here shopping for this shit. She'd blush and tell me I shouldn't have bothered with the big show because all she needed was me.

Well, that was the fucking problem, damn it, she always just got me. Tomorrow was going to be about something special just for her.

"Here you are." Newton shoved an ice chest towards me, and I wanted to clock him in the nose with it. Only thing stopping me from sending him on his ass was Bella's glare in my head.

"Unfuckingbelievable," I grumbled.

"It's no party for me, princess," Mike muttered.

I froze, mid-step. Did that bastard seriously….

"What the fuck did you call me, prick?"

Truth be told, I had earned a reputation my first couples years living in Forks for being a trouble maker. When Bella hit high school I earned a rep as a debauching, using, temperamental asshole that was good at swinging his fists. Newton should have been afraid of me.

Newton would have been afraid of me.

If he hadn't spent the last two years having the one thing I wanted.

"You heard me," he spat, squaring his shoulders and glaring at me, fucking fire in his eyes and everything.

"Oh… I see… Newton's finally grown a pair." Two could play that game, Junior, and I was taller, broader and angrier than him on his best day.

"Fuck you, Cullen," he hissed.

"Michael!" A shrill female voice yelled from two aisles over.

Shit…Mrs. Newton. Even I knew better than to piss her off.

I grabbed my picnic accessories and headed to the cash register. I noted Newton being bitched out by mama as I left the store. I almost felt bad for the guy.

Nah…not really.

My phone buzzed in my pocket when I got to the car. Kate. I rolled my eyes. She was lucky it was a text and not a call. She promised me this weekend free.

_Hey dumbass, sold anymore of the company lately?_

I snarled under my breath.

_Don't give me shit about what I do with my company. I left you your half._

I lifted the picnic supplies into the trunk, slamming the lid when I read her next reply.

_Edward, don't make me kick your ass._

I groaned. Was today kick Cullen in the balls day?

_Kate, it's my company, my choice. I don't need to be CEO. I want a life. A family. I can't do that if I'm always working._

I no sooner hit send than my phone started ringing. I shook my head.

"What."

"Always so hostile anymore, Eddie, it's very unattractive."

"I'm not having this discussion with you right now. I told you that I would be back in Seattle…"

"In two days, I know. I'm just wondering why I had to find out about you leaving this way? Come on, Edward, we're partners."

I frowned. Kate had been a lifesaver for me after I returned home. She helped me find my confidence. Helped me become successful.

She was as close to a best friend, outside of Bella and Jazz, as anyone ever was for me. But I refused to let her become my Mike Newton.

"I'll still do the art end of it… you know that. But I just…can't go to parties, and openings and galas, and all that bullshit endlessly. I need time…with her. I've missed out on too much of it already."

The line was quiet. This felt a hell of a lot like breaking up. I leaned against the side of my car.

"We'll talk later."

And with that, she hung up. I let out a frustrated breath between two very tight lips. I closed my eyes and pictured Bella. I was a rat bastard to even think it but I was okay with breaking off my working relationship with Kate if it meant I got to keep my girl.

"Women trouble?"

Asshole was looking to get beat today.

"Keeping walking, Newton. I wouldn't want mommy to have to punish you twice in one day."

"You hurt her… and I'll kill you… you…you Cullen."

I laughed. "Yeah, that would be the worst damn thing you could think of, right?" I taunted. "I mean…we're all just a bunch of drunk, divorcee, motherless, sex-changing stains on this precious little town aren't we?"

He huffed, scowling at me like he wished I'd just drop dead.

"She's been through enough…"

"Michael," I interrupted, seething with eyes that were barely slits of focused energy. "Anything you think you can tell me about what _my girl_ has gone through, you just keep to your Goddamn self. I can promise you, you don't know shit about it. And I'm not kidding when I say… _I will end you_."

Rage contorted my face in lines of contempt that made him take a step back, swallowing and looking like he was about to piss his pants.

"I get it, you care about her. But it ends there. Leave us alone. Starting right now."

With that, I got in to my three hundred and seventy five thousand dollar car and drove off.

**-**-Bookends-**-**

The alarm was blaring in my ear. I grumbled and rolled over. It was too damn early to even consider waking up.

"Edward," a lovely voice cooed.

I was in that place, where you're not quite awake but not totally asleep. My dreams had been filled with thoughts of Bella. Her body wrapped around me and her voice calling out my name… like she had the other night during our cyber date.

Bella liked to purr mid-orgasm… Just the memory of that sound was working me up.

"Edward…" It was hard to discern if the voice was in my dream… or outside of the fuzzy world of sleep that I found myself in.

I felt a body shift over me and the annoying screeching sound was silenced.

That answered that. Bella was in bed with me.

I smiled. Her current position had her chest angled right above my nose. I nuzzled my face into her warm skin and sighed.

"Why in the hell did you have your alarm set for six a.m.?" She complained sleepily and rolled back to the bed carrying my face with her bosom.

I mumbled a muffled 'I don't know'. The layers of fog that comes with deep sleep started to take me over once more.

Then I remembered.

"Shit!" I shot out of bed and ran to the bathroom.

"Edward?" Bella called to the now empty bedroom.

"Go back to the sleep, baby. I…uh…just need to do stuff." I thumped my forehead against the bathroom door. I hadn't anticipated Bella spending the night last night. We didn't do anything but sleep, and talk…damn, we were getting good at the talking thing… but it was nice.

Nice but not planned.

I got ready as quietly as I could. Left the rose with the instructions for her on my empty pillow. Kissed her forehead as gently as I could and headed out.

Alice was waiting for me at the house when I drove up.

She was bouncing with excitement. "Oh, Edward. You big softy! It's like…like some scene from a romance novel or something."

I blushed and smiled. "You think she'll like it?"

Alice gave me one of her very unladylike snorts and headed into the kitchen. "Of course she will."

She handed me the picnic basket, filled with everything that I needed.

"Now…remind me again how you came up with this?"

I headed out to the garage with the basket in hand, feeling rather satisfied with myself as I explained.

"Bella and I were talking the other day about dating. We never did the whole dating thing. So we described our version of a date. She said she wanted to spend a night in our meadow. A picnic under the stars."

Alice made one of those high pitched girlie approval sounds.

I pulled out Carlisle's old bike. Checked and filled the gas. I took a couple of cables and tied down the basket to the back of the bike. It was going to be a tight fit for both of us to ride it.

"Wait a minute… you said under the stars… Edward, it's seven in the morning. You've got it all wrong."

I peeked up at my adopted sister through my lashes, smirking crookedly. "Well, I don't want to only spend the night with her. I want to spend all day…and night with her. So if we head over in the morning, we'll have a full day before we get to enjoy the stars together too."

Alice swooned at my words. I heard a distinct snort from the garage door.

"Never thought I'd see the day." Jazz came up behind me and wrapped his arms around his giggling wife.

"Shut it. I missed out on the whole woo thing."

"Holy shit," Jazz's face lit up. "Did you…You… Edward… say the word woo?"

Alice giggled again. I sighed, praying to the merciful demon in the sky that sometimes saw fit for me to have a semi-decent day that no one point out my blush.

I pushed the bike out of the garage, coming face to face with a pair of big green eyes.

Eyes that twinkled like I assumed girls eyes twinkled when their owner was being wooed.

I felt my lips part in a genuine smile. Nothing made me happy like being with my baby.

"So," Bella held up the note I had left in our bed this morning. "What's all this about?"

She eyed the bike with slight trepidation. She probably hadn't been on the damn thing since the night she rode it down to La Push. There was probably some fear wrapped around it's presence with us right now. Well…that was something I wanted to make an effort to do, too.

Showing Bella that the things we feared in our past could be changed in our eyes now.

I straddled the bike, pulling her across my lap with no explanation. "My lady," I whispered.

The meadow was less than five minutes from the house. More like an extension of the backyard really. Bella grumbled the whole way to our location that we were completely unsafe without helmets.

"Live a little, babe," I teased.

I spread out the blanket and we emptied out the basket. An entire day. Just me, and Bella and talking.

No. Not just talking. We were learning. Watching. Sighing and smiling. I loved the way the breeze caught her hair and never missed an opportunity to put it neatly back behind her ear when I strand fell out of place.

She leaned in to wipe away stray ketchup from my lips, knowing exactly what she did to me when she put her finger in her mouth and sucked off the offensive condiment.

I spent the whole damn day with too tight pants.

She rested in my lap and watched the clouds dancing in the sky. I drove us back to the house when she needed a bathroom break and then we would return to our picnic, our little slice of heaven hidden away in the woods.

When the sun started to fade from the sky, it was time for her to bring up that subject she just never seemed to get over.

"Can I see your tattoo?"

"Are you asking me to get naked?" I tried to tease.

She shifted off of my lap to face me. "No. I haven't really been able to see it. Admire it. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only girl on earth who hasn't been able to gawk at it."

I groaned. When was this woman ever going to learn that every other female on earth could throw herself at me, I would only ever want my Bella.

I pulled my shirt over my head without a word. "There were only two…maybe three women, tops, who saw my chest that night, baby." She reached out and started tracing the B with her finger.

"Why just the B? You're an artist, Edward—you could have designed anything you wanted."

"I only wanted you, Bella. No…frills…no fancy shit. Just you."

"I wish I could have been there," she whispered, so softly I was certain I wasn't supposed to hear it.

Her face fell and she kept tracing the B on my side over and over with her finger like she thought she could erase from my skin and by so doing erase the past five years.

"Bella," I whispered, cupping my hand under her chin but not forcing her to look up at me.

"I don't give a fuck who has seen my chest."

She started to grumble under her breath.

I shoved her off of me unceremoniously and stood up. For about two point five seconds I wondered if anyone would come along and find us in the meadow. It was getting dark so it would be hard for a passerby to really see what was going on. Bella looked up at me, her eyes full of self doubt and worry, and I figured it was their own fucking fault if someone stumbled on to us.

I held her eyes with my own and dropped my pants and boxers—stripping faster than Erebos on his birthday.

She didn't pull her gaze from my eyes but I could tell the second she realized I was naked—her cheeks and the tip of her nose turned bright red.

I let my mind swim in the mother fucking boost that her desire for me gave my ego.

"All those girls might have seen this," I reached down and pulled her hand up to my abs, bringing it to rest over her B. "But only you will ever see this," I vowed drawing her hand over to my erect cock.

Bella gasped and couldn't resist the urge to look any longer.

Just like she had when we explored with our webcams, she devoured the sight of me with her eyes.

Fuck, this woman would be the death of me. With just one look from her more than eager face, I could feel myself growing and near burning under her delicate touch.

"Oh," she whispered and peeked up at me. She was fully dressed. We were out in the middle of an open field. We hadn't even been talking about sex or even practicing our new found love of foreplay.

But fuck me if I wasn't already half-way to coming the instant her soft fingers wrapped around me.

"Fuck," I said more as a shaky release of breath rather than an actual exclamation.

Only a moment before I had felt completely in control.

It was really fucking just…just that perfect kind of irony that was standing with my girl on her knees in front of me. Her wet, hot mouth inching closer to my straining dick… and night was falling, covering the scene in darkness.

Would it be rude to search for a flashlight? _Yes, motherfucker it would be_.

Etiquette was lost on me here. Think Cullen! Think!

"Uh…Bella.. you…" I tried to talk. Today was about her. If anyone should be getting head right now, it should be her.

I tried to say that.

But then her tongue flicked out and licked the precum from my tip—her lips were sliding over my shaft, and all I could do was moan as I felt myself sink into her warmth.

I released a breath with one long, slow "Fuck." And she moaned around me. My knees were ready to buckle at the sensation of the sounds she was making.

I threaded my fingers through her hair and held on for the ride. Feeling like the nearly fucking virgin that I was.

It didn't take long, I'll admit it, her mouth felt fucking spectacular around my cock and I was panting, sweating and nearly crying out like a bitch every time she slid her tongue along me as she moved. I don't know if she was _good_. I didn't have any basis for comparison. But she felt damn perfect to me.

There's this thing that happens to a guy's brain when he's fucking the most precious mouth in the universe. This thing where his brain just explodes and he loses all control at being that romantic gentleman that got up at the buttcrack of dawn to assemble a perfect afternoon for his girl. He no longer has the ability to speak soft, kind words to the women he loves. And he just starts thrusting with an instinct that is promising him that this will, in fact be, the greatest fuck of his life.

I felt her hands grab my hips as I started to near my climax. I hoped like hell I was warning her somehow. I had no control over my thoughts enough to know whether I wanted her to pull off or ride it through but I did have enough decency to hope she did what she wanted to do.

All at once, the pressure built beyond anything I had ever felt before. Bella held on tight, sucking me through the wave upon wave of pleasure.

When I was done, floating down from one of the most intense moments of my life. I staggered back from her, enough to get a peek at her. The sky was completely dark but for the nearly full moon. I gazed down in wonder at my goddess.

She sat, on her knees, bathed in moonlight with the most pleased expression on her face.

I was still panting, my body felt tingly all over. I shook slightly with an aftershock of pleasure.

Bella leaned forward, raised her eyes to mine through her lashes and kissed my spent cock.

"Mine," she whispered.


	35. Down on my knees, begging you please

**Bookends By: Bella's Executioner.**

**Rating: M- this means if you're under 16 you are agreeing to break your own ToS by reading this and I'm not your mother so be responsible for yourself.**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is the sole owner of the world of Twilight. She is Bella's creator. I am Bella's Executioner.**

**A/N: Bookends is the very first fanfiction I started writing. It's been on this site, moved and come back. It has errors, fuck ups and lots of proofs that I'm human but it also has all of my heart and soul in it. I welcome you into this world of pain and love and hope that you enjoy. I also welcome your thoughts as you read—pm me or review and I'll be happy to discuss the story with you.**

**As usual I send much love and kisses to my awesome beta- TwilightMomofTwo. Seriously I could never get through this without her.**

**Chapter 35: I'm down on my knees, I'm begging you please**

**-**-Bookends-**-**

"**I'm down on my knees. I'm beggin' you please **to come home." (Cecilia, Simon & Garfunkel)

Someone like you (Van Morrison)

I've been searching a long time  
For someone exactly like you  
I've been traveling all around the world  
Waiting for you to come through.  
Someone like you makes it  
All worth while  
Someone like you keeps  
Me satisfied. Someone exactly  
Like you.  
I've been travelin' a hard road  
Lookin' for someone exactly like you  
I've been carryin' my heavy load  
Waiting for the light to come  
Shining through.  
Someone like you makes it  
All worth while  
Someone like you keeps  
Me satisfied. Someone exactly  
Like you.

I've been doin' some soul searching  
To find out where you're at  
I've been up and down the highway  
In all kinds of foreign lands  
Someone like you…

I've been all around the world  
Marching to the beat of a different  
Drum.  
But just lately I have  
Realised  
The best is yet to come.  
Someone like you…

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**Esme POV **

"Are you sure you've got it?" I watched the girl with worried eyes. She was all giggles and smiles—blonde hair, youthful face.

Exasperation was evident in my expression.

I knew Forks was no booming metropolis of high crime but there was a need for authority with the title Chief of Police.

"Don't worry about it, Chief," she promised, winking.

Gail walked behind her with a roll of her eyes. I pretended not to notice.

Retiring, as my daughter would so eloquently put it, sucked.

"Your husband is here to see you, Chief," Deputy Banner announced.

"Thanks," the two of us responded.

"Uh… Chief _Baker_," Banner corrected sheepishly, pointing to the girl in front of me.

"Oh!" She squeaked, literally giggling out loud.

Giggling. A Chief of police who giggled in her own station. Was that normal? Was I just a hard-ass?

"Esme, what on earth are you doing, making that poor boy get all tongue-tied like that?"

Gail pulled out her kitty post-it pad and started sanitizing her phone. The Monday morning routine—business as usual.

"You haven't officially been Chief for two years. You've only stuck around here because you've got nothing better to do with your day."

I glared at her. My arms were crossed over my chest in defiance. "But today is her first day…shouldn't I be here…" I started to argue.

"To intimidate everyone? No." Gail shook her head, laughing lightly at my expense.

"It's taken this long for us to find anyone who wanted the job. I'm not too sure about the import."

She was young. From back east and she…was just too damn chipper for my taste.

I looked over my shoulder to see Baker sucking face with her equally young, energetic husband.

"Really?" I whined at Gail. She just kept laughing and finished setting up her desk for the day ahead.

"Don't you tell me you don't do that with Dr. Cullen." As every woman did, Gail blushed as she mentioned my husband's name.

"It's not the same… and Carlisle and I always keep it professional at work." It was my turn to blush as I remembered a certain night in this very police station—though Carlisle would contest that he was hardly amateur that night.

"You need to enjoy being retired, Esme. You've earned it."

I watched the young love birds. He kissed her nose as she smiled up at him, her arms locked around his neck.

Retired. Earned it… Those were just thoughts and words that made me feel old. I didn't honestly feel any older than the new Chief of Police. But here I was being shoved out of the door.

"Thanks, Gail," I mumbled.

It was my last business visit to the station but there were no goodbyes. I _had _technically retired two years ago. Back then, we had cake and everyone gave me a card. The station presented me with a clock—the damn thing was sitting on the mantle at home, ticking away the minutes of my retirement. I was officially put out to pasture. I said a silent goodbye to the building where I'd grown up. This job had supported my kids and me through the toughest years of my life.

"It's all yours," I said, as neutral as possible to the child who would be replacing me.

"Thanks, Chief." Her voice was full of respect, her eyes shining with pride as she smiled at me. I couldn't help but smile back.

Aging was the shit end of the lollipop, but knowing she took pride in the job made me feel a little bit more comfortable with handing over my badge to her.

"You gonna let them give you any shit just because you're a girl?" I tapped the badge on her chest and winked.

Her face scrunched in hard lines of determination. "Negative," she barked.

I laughed, she might be one of those too-fucking-cheery-in-the-morning-for-my-taste people, but I knew I would grow to like Chief Baker.

"I'll leave it in your hands then, Tru," I said slapping her on the shoulder and turning to head out.

No parade, no fanfare. Just a 'so long' and I was gone.

It was a beautiful, clear day on my drive back to the house. It only took five minutes to drive from one end of Forks to the other, but those five minutes were filled with sunshine and blue skies. I half expected Disney characters to pop out on the road and start singing about the lack of rain.

I rolled my eyes. It should've been storming-dark thunder clouds just pouring a sheet of water down on the town to match the ache in my chest. Retired. Why didn't they all just call me over the hill and put me in a rocking chair already.

I was going to be so fucking bored now.

Could I actually ever get used to having no place to be but home?

Maybe I could take up baking, or knitting?

Carlisle's car was parked out front when I pulled up. I'd forgotten that Monday's were his day off. I wondered idly if he where he was…I never really knew what he did on his days off. I was always at work.

Maybe he'd be in his study.

Charlie spent all of his time in his study. I never knew what he did in there. I was only permitted entrance to tell him his dinner was ready.

I cringed at the memory of being Charlie's housewife. The world was so devoid of hope back then. I lived for my family, but…that was all there was to my life. I felt like I wasn't me. I was the dishes I prepared for the table. I was the stains that I removed from the laundry. I was the dust that settled on the top shelf of the entertainment unit.

Just the house and the keeping of it. Not me. Not Esme.

I ignored the morning paper that was still rolled up and resting in the bushes to the right of the front door. I needed a good week or so before I started in with the eternal chores that would begin to define my life again.

I shook my head. I needed to get out of this funk. My life in this house with Carlisle was another world compared to that life with Charlie, but the prospect of not having to go to work everyday was starting to look more and more like I was going to become that person again. The person who tried to make something of value out of her days alone. Who made lunch by herself and ate it between chores. Whose husband was always locked away in his office- his temple.

I entered the house quietly, dropping my keys and purse on the counter in the kitchen. There was a note on the fridge that simply said _See you soon, baby. _I smiled.

He might enjoy his time alone in his study, but Carlisle always welcomed me to join him. In fact, many times he had hunted me down in the house and insisted that I join him there.

I didn't spend much time debating the matter, I wanted to be with my husband, and I let my feet lead the way back to where I knew he'd be.

I knocked timidly on the door. He'd give me that look of his, the one that says _Esme don't be ridiculous, _but I still felt weird about just walking in to his space without permission.

"That better not be you, wife of mine," he teased from the other side of the door. I rolled my eyes and took his taunt as the welcome it was meant to be.

He was sitting at his desk, his glasses resting on the bridge of his nose. He looked so damn…lickable. He wore a gray t-shirt that hugged his chest. I resisted the urge to drool. His blond hair was graying lightly at his temples. The wrinkles at the corners of his eyes were etched by smiles and not just years.

Men were such assholes. They were allowed to age gracefully, looking so downright gorgeous the older they got.

I felt like a wizened hag at the moment. I tried not to glare at his oh-so-sexy face when he peered at me over his glasses with a smirk.

"Did you say goodbye to the station, my lovely?"

I bit my lip and shrugged. "What was there to say goodbye to?"

He sighed, taking off his glasses and laying them on his desk beside whatever it was he was looking at. Then he did that thing that unnerved me more than anything- he looked at me. Not just… scanned his eyes over the spot where I stood, but _looked _at me. Studied me like I was a complicated surgery awaiting his expertise. I squirmed as I was washed in midnight blue appraisal.

His eyes danced between interest and hunger—a devilish smile tugging at the edges of his lips.

"Come here," he prompted, holding out his hand to me.

My fingers threaded through his as I came to stand beside him. I smiled. He was looking at pictures of our family.

"I remember that day," I said, pointing at the picture under his glasses. It was of Alice getting ready for her wedding. Her hair and make up perfectly set as Bella and Rose laced her into her dress.

"I've been appreciating my past today… well more importantly, appreciating my time with our family," he said. Carlisle never missed a moment to reflect and appreciate the life we shared. He'd had the worst damn childhood. He carried memories too dark for him to share with even me.

He never took for granted the years of happiness spread out over his desk right now.

I took a moment to appreciate our years together too. So many wonderful memories lay before me. And in almost every picture, everyone looked so happy, Carlisle practically beaming with pride for his children. I lost myself down memory lane as each photo brought a different smile to my lips. I almost didn't notice as my husband stood up.

I sighed, feeling him mold his body to my back. He took my right hand in his and pointed my finger to a picture in the center of the desk. Rose, Em and Carlisle smiled up at me from the photo.

"You remember that day?" he whispered against my neck, his warm breath tickling.

"Mm, that was the day of their engagement party," I moaned lightly when I felt his lips on my shoulder. I couldn't help it. After all these years, all the thousands of touches that had passed between us, I was still shocked to feel his need for me transferred by the meeting of our skin.

"Such a clever memory you have, my lovely. Do you remember," I felt his words kiss a path along the column of my throat to my ear as he spoke, "the day I bought this desk?"

Without conscious thought for the action I placed my hands, palm down, on the solid mahogany desktop. His lips pressed just below my ear at the corner of my jaw and my breath grew shallow.

"Yes," I confirmed with a shaky voice.

I felt his hands glide up my body, his fingers tangling in my hair to release it from the tight confines of the signature _Chief Swan bun_. I stood perfectly still—like I was in a trance, waiting for his command, completely under his spell.

His fingers massaged my scalp, smoothed down the back of my neck. Flowed down my shoulders and traveled across the curve of my waist. His hands curled around my hips and rested gently against me.

"And?" he prompted.

Fuck but this man could make me come undone with just one word.

My heart was beating erratically—my head swimming in desire. I bit my lip, thinking back to the day we were refurnishing this house together. Carlisle had requested that the office be his domain. The only room in the house he wanted total control over decorating. This desk had been very important to him. He described it in meticulous detail when he found it.

It was an antique partners writing table, with a maroon leather inset, crafted in eighteen thirty-five. To me, it looked like an old table more than a desk. It was beautiful but didn't seem practical. I had voiced as much to him the day it arrived.

I thought back to that day. Trying to go over our conversation to find the answer he was seeking now. I remembered. My breath caught, my pupils dilating and my fingers clawing into the leather surface.

"You said it was _sturdy_."

His chuckle was dark and full of promise. I held back a moan. It felt like forever since he was like this with me.

Carlisle had been the most loving, attentive and caring husband I could ever ask for. Our days were filled with happiness and our nights were filled with hot sex. Sometimes…even our days were filled with hot sex. But this… this other side of him… I hadn't experienced him much since we were married.

Come to think of it… I hadn't really experienced him since that night in the jail cell.

A shiver ran down my spine as I felt his weight press against my back, forcing my body to bend over the antique desk in front of me.

I sure as hell hoped he was right about its strength. I didn't want it nice and soft today. I needed rough. I needed hard.

I needed him to pound the idea that I was getting too old to be worth a damn right out of me. I wasn't too old for him. I would never be retired as something he craved and desired.

I just needed him to make the rest of the world fade away… and he knew that was what I needed.

"Have you been a good girl, Esme?" he whispered. I didn't know how to respond. I wanted him to be pleased with me, but I also wanted him to spank me.

"Uh," I stammered. I felt him step away from me, the cool air brushing over my flesh in his absence making me feel alone.

I watched as he walked to the door. He locked it, turning and smirking at me over his shoulder. Ever since that first night, when Jazz walked in on us, he was an anal Annie about locking the damn door.

He walked back over to me, slowly, making sure that my eyes were watching him. His eyes were devouring me. I felt my pulse racing faster, thrilled by the promise of his desire.

"Hmm… I don't believe you answered my question, Mrs. Cullen."

I peeked up at him. He was at the opposite side of the desk from me. He had his hands behind his back and was looking at me like an irritated principal looks at a trouble kid.

_Oh great, a school girl fetish._ I was feeling nothing like a young, effervescent teenager today.

He cocked his head to the side, his brow furrowing. "What is it?" he whispered, breaking the scene. I realized my face must have betrayed my mood.

I shook my head. If I got into whining to him now, he'd stop, make me some hot chocolate and cuddle with me on the couch. And although I would love him dearly for that, and probably even enjoy it… I wanted him to fuck me senseless far more than snuggle right now.

He gave me one last look that said _you fucking warn me if this is too much for you_ and when I smiled up at him he pressed on.

"You know I'm not a patient man. I gave you plenty of opportunity to respond to me," he continued in that authoritative voice that was all Carlisle and pure promise.

"You look like a smart man," I teased back with a hint of snark in my voice. "I'm sure you can figure it out."

His face grew hard, his shoulders straightening, and his eyes burned with hunger.

_Fuck yes._

"So, you've been a bad girl then?" I bit my lip as he moved to walk behind me. My body was his - completely. There was never a breath or a sigh that passed my lips anymore that wasn't controlled by Carlisle Cullen.

The anticipation of him touching me was enough to turn me wild. Primal. He reached forward, pulling my hands further across the desk. I ignored the smiling faces of my children that were looking up at me from the pictures scattered about. All that existed right now was this magnificent man in front of me. I was bent fully across the desk, raised up slightly on my forearms, resting on my elbows. My butt was pushed up and waiting for him.

I was at his mercy.

He walked with slow, calculated steps back behind me once more.

"Oh Esme," he clicked his tongue in dissatisfaction. "How many times must I beg you to wear skirts?"

I whimpered when I felt his hand rub against the swell of my backside. I could all but feel the soon to be throb that would follow a spanking by that hand.

"Perhaps that's the problem," I offered in a breathy whisper. "You need to stop begging, and start commanding instead."

His sharp in take of breath was like a shot of adrenaline to my system.

"Take off your pants," he ordered. His voice was cold, almost lethal. My heart rate spiked and I did what I was told.

He reached beside me, pulling out a drawer and removing some unknown object that I could not see. My heart flipped with anticipation.

"Are you telling me how to act, Mrs. Cullen?" he asked in a dark voice. I shivered.

"No, sir."

His hand cupped my left cheek through my silk panties. "It's too late to try to be a good girl now, Esme. You will have to be punished for speaking out of turn."

Punished? He'd never really punished me before. We had played rough. Hell, he hand cuffed me to a cot in the police station once, but I didn't know what to expect from a punishment.

"You remember your safe word, don't you, my lovely?" That was Carlisle. Not the pseudo principal role he was playing, but the loving, concerned husband who wanted to remind his wife that this was a just a game.

"Red," I said simply.

"Good girl." He gave me a starter slap with his hand that landed sharply against my thigh in encouragement.

I growled at the suddenness of the motion, mumbling "shit" under my breath.

"What was that?" The man had bat ears. "Did you just add insult to injury?"

I suppressed a groan. _Get to the pounding me with your magical cock already, husband dearest._

"Six strokes," he barked. I had no clue what that even meant. I assumed it meant he'd be spanking me six times. But with what?

The first strike landed right across the center of my ass. It was his hand. His palm spread wide enough to turn the center of my ass bright red. I squeaked.

"You've never been spanked like this, baby," he explained as his hand continued to rise and fall against my bottom. "I have to warm your skin up to it."

I rolled my eyes. A pre-spanking spank? There was a time and place for foreplay… today was not that day for me.

I could feel my flesh turning pink. I tried to adjust myself to the feel of what he was doing.

This was supposed to be enjoyable right?

"Now," he said after several slaps with his hands-my ass throbbing and sensitive. I wasn't sure I wanted to know what it would feel like to receive more punishment than I already had.

"You're ready," he assured me.

I took a deep breath, curling my fingernails against the leather desktop. I braced myself for the pain.

The air seemed to whoosh around the foreign object in his hand and with the first snap of the flat surface smacking my cheek I recognized what he was holding - a ruler.

_Taking the whole principal bit to heart, huh, Dr. Cullen?_

My brain seemed to be operating on two levels at that moment. In the split second between stroke one, as he drew his hand back for the second strike, I was momentarily relieved. He was using just a plain, everyday ruler. Nothing exotic and slightly overwhelming like a riding crop. Although it was fun to play with Carlisle like this, I was a little unnerved by the prospect of him hiding sex toys in his desk drawers.

The second strike landed and the idea of my husband owning any sex toys that he one day hoped to use on me like this was suddenly a good thought. A really good thought.

A damn good, sexy thought.

I hadn't even realized it'd be possible but as my husband continued to flick his wrist and bring the ruler down in sharp, calculated strikes my body turned the pain into a desire. My skin grew warm. My awareness of his nearness, his scent, his touch was heightened. I hungered for the return of the sting- the reminder that he controlled my body. The growing warmth on my backside was proof that this body was not mine but his.

Each movement he made behind me was like an electric shock with a direct link between my thighs.

He finished, whispering "Six" and our erratic breaths filled the silent room. I was satisfied by the knowledge that he was affected by the exchange, too.

He dropped the ruler on the desk next to me. And I moaned as his hands massaged my aching flesh. I pushed back against his touch, savoring the opposing sensations. His hands were both the instruments of punishment and comfort.

"Very nice," he said, massaging me from my lower back to the back of my thighs. "I'm proud of you, baby."

I don't know why he said it, and I was even more confused by the sudden rush of pride that I felt at his words. He was proud that I could enjoy him spanking me? I really needed to brush up on my BDSM 101. Or maybe I should just call Erebos…

He pulled my panties down just enough for him to press his lips to the base of my spine. I hissed as his teeth nipped my skin gently.

"Now my dear," he whispered against me. "Shall I reward your good behavior?"

I shook my head, biting my lip. I wasn't sure if I was allowed to speak my desire. I looked down and saw a twelve year old Bella staring up at me. Before I could say anything…before I could think… I felt him slip his fingers around the elastic of my underwear and tug.

The sound of silk ripping mixed with my gasp.

_He tore my panties off of me? Just ripped them in half… _

"Sorry bout the mess, baby, but I really can't wait."

"C-C-Car…Carlisle…" I stammered as I felt his fingers slip between my thighs as his knee nudged my legs further apart. I moaned as he continued to tease me.

"I know, baby, I know," he rasped.

"Turn me over," I begged. He growled his disapproval of my command.

"I can't do this with my kids looking up at me!"

He stopped. My forehead hit the desktop as he stepped back, worry in his voice. "How did they get in?" he shouted.

"The pictures, idiot," I grumbled in exasperation—feeling the tingles fading from my limbs. I pouted at the thought that we might be done before we really started.

_Stupid foreplay._

He was silent for a moment. I briefly registered the word "oh" before I was spun hard and fast. My ass slapped down against the cool leather—my legs instinctively curling around his waist.

Wicked eyes stared down at me. "Better, baby?"

I nodded, breathlessly.

He leaned down and let his tongue continue the dance his fingers had started from the other position. In no time I was back to feeling the ache for him in every inch of my body.

He made no move to remove my shirt. In fact he still wore his clothing, only pushing his pants down far enough to expose his need for me.

In the end…it was not a hard pounding of bodies thrusting against each other as I had thought I wanted when I entered his office.

Rather we slid in tandem—a rhythm set by our bond. My skin was both flushed and cooled against the antique surface of his desk. Lips were soft but persistent against my lips, my neck…my breasts.

My fingers threaded through his hair as my back arched in pleasure.

There was something to be said for having an afternoon free.

If my husband greeted me like this every time he saw me… I could definitely see the benefit for having nowhere to be but home.

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**BPOV (one month later)**

I stuck out my tongue and ran my toothbrush across it delicately. Even now I had a hard time looking in my mouth and not trying to imagine Edward's… big toe in it.

I rolled my eyes.

_Grow the fuck up Bella. If you can put the damn thing in your mouth and suck it off you can give it a name. _

Penis…. Cock…Dick…. Little Eddie. I snorted at the thought. Demon Eddie, more like it.

I smirked. Demon Eddie. Perfect.

I rinsed my mouth out, putting away my toothbrush. What did Edward call it?

I looked myself in the eyes in the mirror. Did he have a twisted nickname for my privates?

No doubt he did. Something like the girl cave or Bella's fucking pit of pleasure. I laughed, heading to my bedroom.

"Ouch!" My knee collided with the boxes by my desk. Two more weeks and I'd finally be able to unpack the stupid things in my new home.

My chest swelled as I slipped between the sheets. I stretched, happy in the knowledge that soon Edward would be lying next to me every night—bitching that my elbow was in his face.

I let my mind wander back to that magical day in the meadow. That damn romantic fool had thought of everything.

The happiness that swelled from that memory faded when I suddenly started picturing the blunder of a "date" that I tried to stage for us. How the hell Edward Cullen pulled off the date of century was beyond me. I just tried to have one simple cookout for the two of us. And it ended up being something out of the Twilight zone.

Edward told me one of his favorite nights was the night of my birthday when he gave me my necklace.

I thought it was the perfect plan.

I would barbecue hamburgers. Wear a baseball uniform. And have us end up in the tree house, where I would show him my tattoo and promise him that my body would forever be his temple.

It turned out to be a disaster.

_Though the weather channel had assured me for that entire week it would be a rare sunny day in Forks, the thunder storm that quickly approached the second I lit the fire for the barbecue was the omen I should have paid attention to._

_I somehow, in my infinite wisdom of grilling that I garnered from a ten minute lesson from my brother over the phone, managed to burn the exterior of the burgers while leaving the interior bloody rare. Mooing charcoal was not a preference of either of our pallets. _

_I called for pizza after Edward texted me to tell me his plane landed in Port Angeles. He'd be home in an hour. That gave the delivery guy enough time to swim through the torrential downpour and for me to change into my baseball uniform._

_I think by that time I was just sticking to the plan out of self preservation. I hadn't wanted to do anything like this for anyone for a very long time. I wanted to show Edward how much I appreciated what he did. And I wanted to make a display for him to show him how much I cared._

_The backyard was lit by lightening as I came downstairs, wearing the most worthless costume. No one played ball in a thunderstorm. _

_The next two hours would be filled with tears and curse words._

_The power went out._

_The pizza dude got stranded at the house and just sat in the kitchen solving a Sudoku problem while waiting for the rain to stop. _

_And Edward texted me to say he was pulling over at the lake to wait out the worst of the storm. It was too dangerous a drive on the winding mountain roads with all of the logging trucks anyway. _

_The storm passed after an hour and pizza guy headed home. I knew in my heart that it was out of my control, but I sat in the tree house, eating cold pizza alone, crying. A gentle rain was hitting the roof as an annoying reminder that I had failed._

_I should have known better than to hope that my plans would come off without a hitch. It was just never in the cards for me to do anything right when it came to Edward._

_I fell asleep eventually - cold, lonely and heartbroken. _

_I was woken up by Edward's lips hours later. The storm had passed and so had my perfect moment that I wished to capture._

_I explained through girlie tears of frustration what I wanted to do. He was so damn sweet. Got that I'm-just-in-love-with-you-for-thinking-of-me look in his eyes. _

_It wasn't fair. Edward always bent over backwards to make the lives of the ones he loved be special. Just once I wanted him to feel that special._

"_I'm sorry," I promised. "I'll try to do better next time."_

_He rolled his eyes as he leaned back against the pillows that I'd laid out for us yesterday."Bella, this was the sweetest thing anyone has ever…attempted to do for me. I don't want you to try again. This was perfect." _

"_Just knowing you think of me like that… it's fucking awesome." _

_I giggled. No matter how old and mature Edward got, he would always sound like that seventeen year old I fell in love with._

"_I'm always thinking about you, Edward. You… it's cheesy to say," I blushed. "But you are my life… my world. I love you."_

_He reached his hand out for me to join him. "See. Perfect."_

_I froze just before reaching his hand. Well…I did have one more card up my sleeve._

"_I…ah… well I do have one thing that might make this moment perfect."_

_He watched me curiously. I hadn't really taken my clothes off for Edward that much. Sure he'd seen me naked twice recently but we had never done the whole…let's just sit and stare at each other's body naked bit. I had a scar across my abdomen from the miscarriage. _

_He hadn't asked me about it before he knew about the baby. He had made a point to kiss my stomach several times since he knew. But I hadn't really spent any amount of time just letting him see it. _

_I turned around, still not fully ready for the scar and that damn night to be the focus of our time together. What I wanted to show him was on my back. _

_MJ had joked that it was a typical "tramp stamp" locale but I liked where it was. I used to lie with my back towards Edward when we were kids. I wanted, needed his arms around me in protection but denied myself his heart for fear that I would break it._

_Since the night he found me in that hospital waiting room, my cheek had rested on his chest. And I put his mark on my back so I would be surrounded by him._

_It was corny as shit but …that was why I did it._

_I pulled my shirt off slowly. No explanation. Just nerves. _

_He didn't say anything in return…not with words. His fingers brushed over the tattoo softly. His index finger tracing the lines of his original design. _

_Next his lips followed. _

I smiled as I closed my eyes to succumb to sleep and hoped to dream about that night.

The taste of his kiss. The scent of his skin.

The tear he thought I didn't see as we fell asleep in the early morning light.

I slept with my face snuggled in the crook of his neck that morning. Smiling.

We weren't perfect, but we were better.

And I would forever be in this man's arms. My head on his chest and my arms wrapped securely around him too.

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**JPOV (one week later)**

One more long damn week over with.

My brain was fried with the troubles ailing the good people of Seattle.

It was a pain in the ass to travel back and forth from the city to Forks, but Al didn't want to leave our family.

The drive didn't really bother me so much as being away from my wife all week. I set up the practice in Seattle out of necessity. I couldn't pay rent on an office in Port Angeles with the lack of patients the town had to offer. And though Forks was wall to wall filled with crazy people, none of them wanted help.

So Seattle it was.

I locked myself in my apartment during the week. Living on Hungry Man Meals and basic cable. Life was a miserable fucking existence alone. Everyday I would talk to Alice on the phone and ask her again to tell me why I did it.

"You help people, lover," she would remind me.

I sighed as I felt my body relax and sleep start to creep over my limps. I didn't sleep much during the week. I was just nervous energy without Alice to balance me.

I'm not sure how long I slept, if I slept at all, but I felt lips pressing against mine and smiled.

"Hey darlin'."

She giggled. "I'll never understand where you picked up that accent."

I wrapped my arms around my lady. "I'll keep it forever if you like it."

"Why thank you, kind sir," she drawled back.

"Missed you." I peeked my eyes open. I didn't have to see Al to know she was with me. I could feel her—the love she had for me radiated from her skin like a radio signal. And my antenna was tuned to her station perfectly.

"I know, Jazz. It's hell without you here, too."

She pouted and I didn't press the issue. Eventually we'd have to have the talk—the one where we agreed on something for our future. Either we both lived in Seattle or we both lived in P.A.

But Al wasn't ready for the decision just yet. I couldn't blame her. Family and home were two deeply rooted phobias in both of our minds. It wasn't as easy for either of us to just pick up and start our own life somewhere else.

What promise did we have that this world would still be here when we got back?

"I helped a kid find a home today," she announced proudly sitting up—her legs straddled around my hips.

I smiled, genuinely proud of the work my baby did. "That's great, baby."

"I was snooping in the adoption offices… hoping to see a request for a Swan family."

I frowned up at her. Alice meddled when she should just leave well alone.

"I still don't get why Rose and Em felt the need to fly all the way to Europe just to apply. There are so many kids here that would love to have them for parents."

"Rose told me it's what they agreed on. They discussed lots of places all over the world and Russia was the one that just …felt right." I shrugged. "Beats me why that is. It just is."

Alice quirked a delicate brow at me. "Is that what you tell your patients? It just is?"

I snorted. "Yeah, that and get the fuck over yourself already. Followed closely by _next_!"

We laughed. My body was waking up completely now—very much aware of my wife's body slung across it and her hands resting on my chest.

A week was too fucking long to be alone.

"Don't you at least want to eat first?" Alice questioned.

Other people who be caught off guard by her perceptiveness. I just knew that Alice knew me better than I knew myself. So I smiled.

"I'm fixing to eat something in a moment but it ain't food."

She swatted my chest and leaped off me before I could grab her.

"I need a shower, Mr. Cullen."

"Shower?" I looked at the clock. It was nearly six p.m. "Baby, I swear you smell great. You look perfect and…I'm only gonna be messing you up. You'll have to wash all over again." I flashed her that crooked smile that I knew would undermine her determination.

She huffed, turning on her heel and shouting back to me over her shoulder. "I haven't showered all day and I feel gross. You are more than welcome to join me if you would like."

"Okay."

I stripped while running behind her to the bedroom.

"My, you're an eager boy," she teased.

"Damn straight." I walked past her to the bathroom as she did her girlie thing and laid out her pajamas and undies for after the shower. I rolled my eyes at the thought that she believed I was going to let her put clothing back on tonight.

For all my wife knew about me, she still had some things to learn, I supposed.

"I talked to Bella the other day. She's excited but nervous about moving in with Edward next week. He hasn't mentioned marriage but I really do believe he'll be proposing to that girl by the end of the month."

I adjusted the water for the perfect temperature as she babbled on about my brother and his, no doubt, soon-to-be wife.

"Al," I said turning to her and meeting her eyes in the mirror. "I miss you. I need you. I … don't really give a fuck about anyone but you right now."

She blushed and nodded. "I miss you too, Jazz. It's not any…easier for me."

I didn't want to have that talk right now. I just wanted to wrap my wife around me and finally come home.

I drew her in to my arms.

"I don't want to have kids," she offered non sequitur.

_Okay, so we were having this conversation now._

"I don't want to have kids, either. I don't have to have a practice. There are plenty of things I can do here for a living."

"But what I do I can do in Seattle, too. Probably help even more people in a big city."

"Well, let's move back to New York then. Might as well just start completely fresh."

"Dad would love the excuse to fly out to see us all the time."

I nodded. "Too true, he would."

Al's eyes grew apprehensive. She hadn't had time to prepare herself for this talk. The reality of us moving that far away scared the shit out of her.

"We lived there before, Al."

"For what we knew would be a temporary time period."

There was no room for bullshit when it came to Alice and me. We just spoke our minds. Understood each other. She wasn't worried that I really wanted to move there. She knew that if what she wanted…what she needed was for us to keep this current living and working arrangement forever…well, I'd do it.

I couldn't be happy if I felt distress from her.

I ran my hands up and down her arms. Silently promising her there were no expectations tonight of her making some grand decision.

"Let's take that shower, baby."

Sometimes it really blew being the sensitive guy. Edward would have taken Bella to the bedroom…and maybe not fucked her worries away but he would have made love to her in some way and helped distract her. Carlisle would have fucked Esme's trepidation into submission in a heartbeat. Shit, even Emmett would have told Rose dirty jokes all night and kept her mind off of whatever was troubling her.

But I was the sensitive idiot.

The abstinent, caring dolt who was going to die of blue balls one of these days.

The one that just couldn't feel right if she didn't feel right. If Al was off, I was off. That did things to a man's confidence. I would feel like I was forcing her to do it.

We showered in silence—taking turns washing each other and finding quiet moments to exchange smiles and gentle caresses—reminders that we were here for each other.

I watched her put on her pajamas, the weird ones with the monkeys all over them, and I pulled on a pair of gray sweatpants.

I was officially naming this weekend shitty.

I tried to repeat the words I had said to so many couples in the months since I became a therapist. _Sex is not the only way to show love and affection. Sex is not the answer to every problem. A person can survive without having sex every night of their life._

I scowled, opening the fridge. What a fucking load of bull.

"What are you in the mood for?" I asked, sensing her walking up behind me.

"Um, there's some leftover Chinese food. It should still be good."

I pulled out the take out containers and found us a couple of forks.

"Cold?" I asked, turning to her in the dark kitchen.

"Yeah, it's always better cold."

I followed her to the couch, and we found an interesting documentary about the Civil War on the History channel.

"I think you'd look good on a horse," she offered after we agreed that dude in the old photograph looked like me.

"I don't think my ass was made for horses, babe."

She giggled and I lamented at the fact that I had hoped to be having some riding happening tonight. Preferably her. On me. Like right the fuck now.

_Great, now I'm picturing her riding me with a cowboy hat on._

I rolled my eyes and berated my cock silently—clearly I was thinking with it and not with my brain.

"Jazz?" Alice drew my attention as I stood to return the empty containers to the kitchen.

"Yeah?"

"Ah…I'm gonna head to bed."

I nodded. "I'll follow you, be there in a minute sweetheart."

I stretched on my way into our bedroom. I was beat. It was probably best that we didn't wear ourselves out just for the sake of having sex.

Mind-blowing, earth-shattering sex that would relieve the tension and help both of us just relax for a bit.

I climbed into bed, trying to stay positive and not pout. If I was that hard up, I could always just take another shower and do the job myself.

"Night, baby," I said rolling over to draw her into my arms and kiss her goodnight.

"Oh, it's gonna be," she said. The sheets were off me in two seconds, and I could feel her tugging my pants down before I could ask what was going on.

Suddenly the room was lit by the bedside lamp—my wife sitting naked across my lap once more.

"What the…"

"Jazz…I love you. I miss you. And I need you right now."

With that I gave up on being the sensitive, horny moron—grabbing her breasts and looking around.

"Do we own a cowboy hat?"

She shook her head with a giggle. "No."

"Damn." My face fell slightly—my hands never stopping kneading her breasts.

"I need to apologize," Alice said, drawing my attention back to her.

"For wha…"

She stopped me from finishing with a finger to my lips. "For bringing up that dumb crap in the bathroom. For being too chicken to move to Seattle. For finally throwing away that ugly jacket while you were gone this week."

I shot a glance to the closet. "Which jacket is the ugly one?"

"The one I tell you looks ugly every time you wear it."

"Not the plaid one with the silver buttons?"

"Jazz, that description alone proves that it's the ugly one," she huffed.

I pouted. Was this kick-Jazz-in-the-balls weekend?

"I'll buy a cowboy hat to make up for it," she offered.

I couldn't really argue with that. The image of my wife riding me, wearing a cowboy hat, her breasts bouncing and her screaming "Yeehaw!" was much more desirable than me in that ugly jacket.

_Yeah, it was ugly._

"Deal."

She smiled in relief. "But really, I'm sorry about… having to work this crap out."

I ran my hands to her shoulders, loving the softness of her skin. "Alice, it's my job to help people work through stuff like this. I know that no one is perfect. We'll work it out."

"I just can't see it," she sighed, bringing her hands to my chest and running her fingers through my chest hair.

"See what, sweetheart?"

"The future… our future. I can see everyone else's. Bella and Edward are going to get married. Em and Rose will adopt a house full of kids. Esme and Dad are going to travel the world and have lots of kinky sex."

I laughed.

"But you and me… it's blank." Her eyes were filled with worry as she gazed down at me.

"Those aren't visions you're having, baby, those are hopes. You hope those things will happen for the ones we love because that's what they deserve. We're just a mystery." I shrugged.

"I don't know, Jazz…. I just keep getting this feeling…"

I put a finger to her lips and went back to caressing her chest. "We're gonna be fine, Al. And I'm calling the office tomorrow to tell them to cancel my appointments for the week. We've had a lot of stress on us, being apart. I need to remind you, we are a team."

She moaned as one of my hands moved down her body and teased her.

_Shit, I missed that. She was always so wet and ready for me. _

"There's nothing but happy days in our future, baby. I promise."

We didn't talk much after that.

It was a night of gentle exchanges. Almost like a trust building exercise. I could feel her relax—which in turn eased my fears.

Later, once she was passed out in my arms and mumbling in her sleep about needing to buy that hat and maybe some ass-less chaps, I revisited her words.

_It's blank._

Alice wasn't gifted with premonitions. Hell, there were lots of times she missed what was right in front of her face, but her words stuck with me.

Things had felt a bit off lately. I knew it was just the distance between us, the fact that we were apart so much now. I didn't worry that our relationship was in jeopardy over it.

But something did feel… like there was something coming. Something we weren't prepared for.

I held my wife tightly in my arms and hoped, considering all the pain and shit that this family had suffered through, that what Alice and I were feeling was wrong.

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**EmPOV (the same night)**

I followed my wife back to our hotel room, each step another reminder of our lack of talking.

I hated it. Hated any type of silence between the two of us. From the day Jacob Cullen pressed his lips to mine as I leaned against his kitchen counter I'd felt like I belonged outside of my body. I could never explain it. It was like I lived in Emmett but I just had to be whatever Jake needed me to be.

"Rose, talk to me baby."

She sat on the edge of the bed with her shoulders slumped over in defeat.

"He's right," she whispered.

That was it. I snapped. No one fucking told my wife how to be.

"Don't fucking listen to that guy!" I shouted. I didn't mean to yell at her. I wasn't angry at her. I was pissed at the situation and at the asshole that was making her feel like this.

"He has a point, Em." She shrugged her shoulders and started taking off her shoes.

I shook my head and balled my fists. I needed to punch something. I had felt the fight brewing in me from the second we left that asshole's office. She shouldn't be agreeing with him.

"Like hell!" I kicked the dresser, sending her girlie accessories shaking and falling all over.

Rose sighed, but didn't react to my anger. "Emmett, he has a point. What… If we… how would we ever explain me to our kids?"

My blood boiled. "We can't possibly be having this talk again. We don't have to defend ourselves to anyone, baby. You know that. You _taught _me that. Our kids will be loved. They will love us. Who the fuck cares?"

Rose stood and held up her hands to calm me down. She put her hands on my biceps and reminded me to breathe.

"But still, Em, how do we explain me? I've never…thought of that."

Her eyes were clouded with confusion. I glared, still pissed at the very idea that these fictional kids of ours would need to give us the third degree.

"What? You mean…like explaining your parents had a pot addiction in high school or something?"

She rolled her eyes. "No…though we did and you'll have to find sort of way to explain that to our kids, too. I don't want to be a hard-ass but…fuck, my brother made some fucked up decisions under the influence…"

"Rose."

"Right," she said, shaking her head and suddenly looking exhausted. "It's just… I…I never thought about it."

I watched her for a minute. Saw the emotions rolling over her features.

"Rosalie… do you want to have kids with me?"

Her eyes shot down to her hands as they slipped off my arms that were crossed over my chest.

What the fuck was going on?

"Yes," she admittedly quietly.

I took a deep breath. "So what the fuck?"

She shrugged, glaring up at me. "I don't know. There's no magic wand we can wave here, Emmett. I can't just say oh the fuck well and move on. How? How do we tell our kids that their mother was a boy? How the hell do we _not _fuck a kid up with that?"

She ranted and paced. She ended back up at the bed and sat down again. I stood frozen. I couldn't make sense of what was bothering her.

"Rose…"

"Jake."

I stopped, staring at her like she had just slapped me.

Her eyes were finally clear. She was scaring the shit out of me.

"I'm Jake. Jacob… I was… I am… I'm not ashamed of it. I…want to be a mother, have kids with you but… I can't… I _won't _hide Jake from our kids."

"No one ever said you had to."

I took slow steps to the bed. Sitting down beside her, I tried to wrap my head around what was killing her.

"We've always known this wasn't going to be an easy life, babe."

"Why couldn't my body be right from the start?"

I noticed a tear slip down her cheek. Like a deer knows to stay out of the woods when the mountain lion is on the hunt, I just knew now was the time to let her cry.

"It's not fair. It's just…not right."

Right. Wrong. Fucking crackpot ideals.

It was wrong that life was such a bitch. It was right that I'd be sitting in this room with the love of my life. Regardless of how she looked on the outside.

We were right.

We fit just right.

"I'm gonna take a shower." She kissed my cheek as she moved to the bathroom.

I was sitting in a hotel in a foreign country because this was our only hope for having a kid. Sure, we could pay for a surrogate. We even talked about doing that in the beginning.

It just felt weird to know that I would share DNA with the kid when Rose never could. Weirder to think that some total stranger would give birth to the kid and then never have anything to do with it.

Rose wanted to adopt. She made valid points about the people in our lives that ended up in foster care or orphanages.

We never anticipated the Spanish inquisition that would follow. We went through meeting after meeting to jump through their hoops. It was like her operation all over again.

People sitting in a room, staring us down until we felt uncomfortable in our own skins.

Judgment.

What did it fucking matter? We loved each other. We were good people. We paid our taxes and held down stable jobs. We would love any child we welcomed into our home.

A home. Not some… brothel of debauchery and filth.

Why did people always think saying you were gay automatically meant you thought about nothing but sex? I just knew who I wanted to have sex with. So did Dr. Cullen. No one questioned him endlessly to adopt Jazz and Edward because he was having sex did they?

Rose had a point. It was crazy. By textbook definition it was insane for her to change her biology just because her brain didn't want to be a man. It wasn't wrong. But it… wasn't natural.

I hadn't thought about what I would tell our kid either. Rose was Rose. She was the other half of my soul. I didn't care what she looked like on the outside. She beautiful no matter what.

I loved her.

She'd love any kid in our home.

And any kid would love to have her for a mom.

I pinched the bridge of my nose. It was like living with my head being beaten against the wall nonstop.

"Don't hurt yourself, big guy."

I smiled in spite of myself. She kissed the top of my head. I could feel the steam from her shower still rolling off of her skin.

_Hmm moist Rose, my favorite._

I reached up to undo the belt on her robe. Her flat stomach met my eyes.

"I remember the first time I saw you naked." My fingers tickled her tummy. "You remember that first time?"

Rose rolled her eyes. "I remember blowing all over you before we had a chance to do anything."

I smiled up at her, loving the memory of Jacob Cullen being so undone just by lying naked with me that he shot off early.

I grabbed her by the hips and tossed her under me on the mattress.

"You brute!" she squealed.

I grunted like a caveman and opened the wrapping of her robe to fully expose her body to me.

"I remember," I whispered huskily. "That these," I brought my hands up to cup her breasts, "Were not this perky."

I flicked my thumbs over her swollen nipples, eliciting a moan from her that was very unladylike.

"Hmm," I hummed bringing my lips down to the skin between her breasts. I continued to tease them with my hands as my lips and teeth made a path down along her abdomen to her stomach.

"You had the best damn abs, babe. I wanted to lick every line of your stomach." I ran my tongue in slow circles around her navel.

She moaned again, thrusting her hips up in need.

I chuckled against her pelvic bone. "Always in such a damn hurry."

She groaned. "Can't help it, you do it to me, Emmett Swan."

I placed a kiss at the spot where I first claimed Jacob Cullen. "You never have to worry about hiding Jacob, sweetheart."

I shot her a glance only to find her eyes locked with mine.

"I love him, too."

She smiled and spread her legs for me with an impish turn of her lips. "Just fucking blow me already."

Laughing, I lowered my head to the promised land. "Ah yes, I remember this area the most. A lot has changed since then."

She quirked any eyebrow at my words. "You use the word manscape and I'll make you sleep in the tub tonight."

I quirked a brow back at her. "Oh baby…that sounded like a challenge."

It was time to remind my wife just exactly what it felt like to be Jacob Cullen.

I gripped her hips and turned her over, grabbing a handful of that sweet ass that hadn't changed that much since before her operation. I continued to massage her butt with one hand while reaching into the side table drawer for the tube of lube that I never left home without—making my fingers slick for the teasing, I turned my full attention back to my wife.

"I remember," I growled. "That Jake liked it… right," I slipped a slick finger between her cheeks, "here."

She moaned, looking fucking perfect and damn edible on all fours in front of me.

I'm not gonna lie, when she first started throwing around terms like vaginoplasty and describing just exactly what her pussy would be made of, I kept thinking to myself that butt sex would be fine by me forever. But Rose felt trapped inside Jake. Not changing meant hiding who she really was. I just could never understand how it was going to be the same. I mean she promised, and I have found from experience the last couple of years, that all the junk works. I never heard any complaining from her anyway. In fact, we'd broken in the new system with enthusiasm.

But I'd be damned if we were giving up fucking in the rear every now and then too.

Her breath was already shallow, her butt thrusting back instinctively. I was never gonna be able to teach my girl patience.

_Oh well… I'm not big on waiting either._

I worked my finger in and out of her for a minute, running my lips and tongue down her back. Jake used to like that too.

"Now…what was it Jake used to say…"

"Emmett," she half moaned, half threatened.

I chuckled. "No…that's not it. Hm, he used to..." She squeaked when I bit her ass cheek as I unzipped my pants and pulled out my cock. "Beg for something."

She snarled and I prepped myself with the lube.

"I'm not Jake. I'm Rose. And Rose begs for no man."

My smile widened. _Challenge me all you want, sweetheart. I know how to make you scream._

"Oh," I said in mock hurt. "I guess this slick dick is for someone else then."

I teased her with my tip for a second—smirking at the groan she released when I moved away.

"No oral for a month," she threatened.

_Hey now! _My dick warned. _Don't piss her off!_

"Aw, come on, baby," I whispered, lining myself up to her and reaching around to fondle her right breast.

"No need to get nasty."

She turned her head to shout at me just as I thrust hard into her. Her anger mixed with a groan of pleasure and pulled her back against me. Her head leaned back against my shoulder—her body straddled over me like an inverted pretzel.

I felt her forehead press against my throat as I started a slow rhythm.

"Best damn part of being Jacob Cullen," she rasped.

"What's that, baby?" I grunted, loving the way she clenched around me with each thrust.

"Getting to keep you," she whispered.

I gave up on thinking after that. We weren't Rose and Em or even Jacob and Emmett. We were two bodies coming together as one. Passion took over and I marveled at the chance to tease Rose from the front and pound the fuck out of Jake from behind.

Fuck no, we'd never hide who my wife was from our kids. She was amazing. Unbelievable.

And all mine.


	36. If I never loved I never would've cried

**Bookends By: Bella's Executioner.**

**Rating: M- this means if you're under 16 you are agreeing to break your own ToS by reading this and I'm not your mother so be responsible for yourself.**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is the sole owner of the world of Twilight. She is Bella's creator. I am Bella's Executioner.**

**A/N: Bookends is the very first fanfiction I started writing. It's been on this site, moved and come back. It has errors, fuck ups and lots of proofs that I'm human but it also has all of my heart and soul in it. I welcome you into this world of pain and love and hope that you enjoy. I also welcome your thoughts as you read—pm me or review and I'll be happy to discuss the story with you.**

**Chapter 36: If I never loved, I never would have cried. **

**Kisses and hugs and much love is sent to my awesome Beta-TwilightMomofTwo. **

**-**-Bookends-**-**

"I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died. **If I'd never loved, I never would have cried.**" (I am a rock, Paul Simon)

(The Dance, Garth Brooks)

Looking back on the memory of  
The dance we shared beneath the stars above  
For a moment all the world was right  
How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye  
And now I'm glad I didn't know  
The way it all would end the way it all would go  
Our lives are better left to chance

I could have missed the pain  
But I'd 've had to miss the dance  
Holding you I held everything  
For a moment wasn't I the king  
But if I'd only known how the king would fall  
Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all  
And now I'm glad I didn't know  
The way it all would end

the way it all would go  
Our lives are better left to chance

I could have missed the pain  
But I'd 've had to miss the dance  
Yes my life is better left to chance  
I could have missed the pain

but I'd 've had to miss the dance

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**EPOV (one week later)**

"Your move."

He leaned back, the rim of his wine glass caught between his lips, and watched me with knowing eyes. Motherfucker flew thousands of miles to just gloat in person. I can't say I'm surprised. He knew all those years ago in Italy that we'd be here eventually.

I was fucking finally getting the girl.

"Hmm, I am trying to figure out what is different about you."

I wondered if there was ever a moment of Erebos' life that wasn't calculated. It had to be exhausting to control every millisecond. God knows it was exhausting trying to anticipate what he had planned. I buried my secrets behind my classic smirk. One day I was going to find a way to hide shit from this man.

He laughed, ignoring the chessboard in front of him. "Ah, Edward, you are so much like your uncle."

"So you tell me."

I gestured to the board.

"I think it's your hair. Have you been using product in it?"

I ran a hand through my hair, feeling like an idiot when he motioned to the board. I glared, noticing he'd moved while distracting me.

"No," I grumbled, trying to anticipate his strategy—on the board and with me.

"You don't want to move that there," he warned. "I thought you wanted to challenge me with this game."

I held my piece in place and turned my attention back to the other game he was playing.

"It's nice of you to visit in person. Did Kate call you?"

His smile didn't waver, though I did detect a slight tension in his eyes.

"Katherine has been a very good friend to me for many years, Edward. And she has been the same for you. Please do not create a villain out of her now."

I nodded, making my move on the board.

"She's pissed with me," I offered.

I glanced at his glass of wine and reached for my bottle of water. I wondered if I could legitimately consider myself a recovering alcoholic if I never once thought about booze anymore.

I never needed to drink in the first place. I'd always only needed Bella.

"You have a remarkable will," Erebos said. He held his wine up as if he had read my mind. His smile reminded me that I was forever the Alice and he would always be that damn cat. "Of course that is because you have an undeniable heart."

I tried to play macho and pretend that his praise wasn't affecting me that much, but being around Bella was making me soft.

_And just when I thought I'd grown out of having a vagina. _I rolled my eyes.

"But you are a stubborn ass to a fault," he observed.

Again, he ignored the chess pieces in front of us to make eye contact with me. I squirmed. I held Erebos' opinion in very high regard, but this shit with Kate was just a business thing.

I was ready to move on.

"Bella… no, _I_ deserve to just spend time with the woman I'm going to share the rest of my life with. We missed out on too many years. I don't want to regret another moment that we could be spending together."

"How did you spend the money I gave you?"

If Erebos were a car he'd have to be an automatic. No human on Earth could downshift fast enough to keep up with him. For a second I felt like we were back in Italy, sitting in his study on a Friday night, playing our usual game of deconstructing Edward's brain.

Again, fruitlessly, I watched him and tried to figure out what he was getting at, asking me that question.

I'd been cautious when it came to spending the money he generously awarded me. I never felt like I had honestly earned it. I started out treating the funds like I was some ambassador of good fortune.

The first thought in my mind when I got home was that Jazz deserved half of it. I tried to give it to him, but he kept mailing the checks back. He told me I'd earned them. There were marks on my body to prove it. There were nightmares that kept me up late at night that could be eased with a brighter future that such a trust fund could finance.

When Jazz wouldn't accept the money I tried to send some to Carlisle. He'd flown all over the country to help my brother and me. He'd taken us in. He gave us a home. Gave us a life. He adopted us. He made me feel like I finally belonged somewhere. That I could _be _something. Someone.

Carlisle politely declined all registered mail from me after he heard from Jazz what I was doing.

I wanted to send it all to Bella. After my family refused the money it felt like it was burning a hole in my chest to still have it. Bella hated money. Charlie Swan was drenched in wealth. Bella would live on the street, starving and dying before she'd ever want false riches like her father.

But how could I do that? How could I just out of the blue send off a million dollars to a woman who had made it quite clear that she didn't want me in her life? It also went against everything Erebos had taught me to find in myself. Sending any of the money to Bella would be a desperate hope in me that maybe I could win back her love through gifts.

That wasn't fair to Bella. No one deserved to feel that cheap.

And it wasn't fair to me. If Bella and I were meant to be together it would have to be on the merits of our actions and our hearts. Not because I was suddenly independently wealthy enough to solve our material problems.

Finally, I gave up. Spent the money on myself.

It felt…shameful at first. I didn't deserve it. I still, to this date, have issues with seeing that many zeros in my back account.

"I built…the foundation." I resisted the urge to laugh. It was as blatant as any metaphor got. I returned to the States with no legs to stand on. I built a foundation for my future. A corporation that focused on helping others find foundations for their own futures.

Kate had been instrumental in building my company. She had been a true partner in those first few months after I came back. My chest was heavy with guilt over walking away from the company, but it wasn't fair to her either. Kate thought of us as partners. I was just an artist. She was the company.

It felt like I was leading her on in some way to stick around. Some expectation that I just knew she'd have if I didn't just break away.

"What else did you use the money for?" he prompted.

I shrugged. After Cullen Mastery was established, Jazz and Alice were more receptive in letting me _help _them.

"I dunno. I bought a place in New York. Bought a place in Seattle… gave some to Jazz to open his office. Some to Alice to fix up her studio."

Erebos nodded to the board, having made his move again without me seeing.

_Devious fucker._

"What was the last thing you spent that money on?"

I didn't question how he knew I had spent the last of the money recently. I looked at my hands and answered.

"A house."

"Ah…there it is," he proclaimed with joy in his voice.

"What?"

"What's different about you. You're not building your future anymore, Edward. You're living it."

I rolled my eyes. "Oh goodie, it's Mister Fucking Miyagi time again."

He laughed. I gave up on the chess game and stood to finish packing.

He turned to watch me. I'd never not think he did that just so he could stare at my ass.

"Don't worry about Kate, my boy. She's tough. She'll get over it."

"It's not like I'm breaking up with her. We weren't in a relationship."

Erebos sipped his wine. "Oh, but you were. You were business partners. You relied on her to help you survive. And she took care of you. That's a bond that is hard to just snap in half. You define your relationship with her as business, and there is no room for business with you now. There's no need. You can live a very comfortable life without ever having to work another day. What, dear boy, does that leave poor Katherine? Idle hands."

He made a valid point but that still didn't change anything. Kate had five other artists that lived between here and Victoria under her wing now. She'd made my work and my name a product, and that was a business that practically ran itself. She liked going out for drinks to discuss showings. She loved holding showcases all over the world. She liked all that business crap.

She'd hardly miss me. I was cranky and bitchy when it came to dealing with any of it. What would she be lacking now? Fighting with me over having to wear a tie?

I pulled out an oversized box to put the last of the crap from my study in it. I could never get over the fact that this place had a study. What the fuck did I need a room that like for?

Erebos followed me from the living room to the useless room.

"You actually hung it up?" he said, gesturing to the painting I was taking down.

"Yeah, I didn't think it was fair to keep it hidden in the closet anymore."

He laughed, walking over to stand beside me. He ran a finger along the lines of the painting. I resisted the urge to punch him. My art was a very private thing to me, and this painting in particular was the most private of my pieces. Kate had had a bug up her ass for years for me to at least show the piece.

_Well, there you go, dumbass. Give her the painting and stop making yourself feel guilty for finally being with Bella._

"I remember the night you painted this…Kate was in a panic until she found you passed out in the studio."

"Yeah, such a panic that she proceeded to wake me up and drag my ass to the bar…and the tattoo parlor. I don't know who was more surprised when we woke up the next morning. Kate that I had actually followed through with getting inked, or me to find the tattoo chick naked and wound around my still unconscious manager." Erebos laughed.

"That's what I've always appreciated about Katherine. She's an equal opportunist."

I rolled my eyes. "She moved in with that chick last week."

Erebos smiled, never taking his eyes off the painting. "I wonder how well our dear girl will adapt to small town living."

"She'll have MJ moved to New York by the end of the year, mark my fucking words."

"And what will you do with it now?" He motioned to the painting. "Has Bella seen it?"

I shifted. No. Bella hadn't been given the private tour of my apartment. I made a point to always visit her.

"No. I was…uh… considering giving it to Kate."

Erebos' eyes were filled with sarcastic mirth. "How very sweet of you, Edward, to leave behind a picture that represents the woman you are leaving Kate for."

I shrugged and slid the frame into the box.

"So…you think it's a mistake?"

His face was clear of emotions. He raised his glass in the air between us as if to toast. "Ah, mistakes. What futures those make."

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**BPOV (The next morning)**

Edward gave me the address where to meet him but it didn't make any sense to me.

It was a big freaking day. We'd lived together before, but I didn't really consider that us really living together. Back then, I wasn't me. I was a shadow of me, and Edward was just desperately trying to keep us both alive. But today… Today we officially moved into a shared home together. I had a truck rented, filled with all my crap. And the directions he gave me were two blocks from my apartment.

Why wasn't he just meeting me at my place?

I glared at the tiny building from across the street. It wasn't a residence. It wasn't anything from what I could tell outside. There was a crowd gathered inside that I could see through the windows but…what did this place have to do with Edward?

It was pouring down rain but I got out of the truck anyway. I crossed the street with reservations. I was early, but I clearly wouldn't be alone.

At least the room was warmer than outside. And it was dry.

As I took in my surroundings I realized I was in a tiny art studio. There were people milling about looking at various sized paintings. I blew on my hands—trying not to make eye contact with anyone. I wasn't interested in the art. I was just waiting for my boyfriend to show up and explain himself.

Something behind me made me feel like there were eyes staring at the back of my head. For some inexplicable reason I felt a lash of electricity jump through me—like Edward was the one behind me.

I turned, expectant. What met my eyes was something very hard to explain.

It was a large painting—one of those ones you might finding hanging above a fireplace. But it was not a subject that one would expect to find hanging in such a public place. It was a very simplistic scene—just a single breast.

A right breast.

_My_ right breast.

It would be impossible to explain to someone how I knew it. I was easily ten feet away from the painting. But I didn't have to be next to it to recognize it. I was firstly more than familiar with how my body looked naked. And secondly, I knew who drew it. Edward had sketched my breasts for almost ten years. I knew Edward's work when I saw it.

I was pulled through the throng of art enthusiasts, barely aware of anything but the painting. I was entranced by it. My clothes were dripping and my body was still shaking slightly from the cold. That was all secondary to what was going on inside me.

How did he know? When did he paint this? It was the like me I had spent years with Alec trying to unearth, the me that was trapped under all of my pain, was just standing there on display. Edward cut through all the bullshit that he didn't even know about, and found me.

It was just too much. I stood there, staring at my own naked breast. A myriad of people bustled about me. None of them knew who they were looking at, but I knew.

I couldn't find it in me to be modest about it. There was something beyond sex in that painting.

It was how Edward saw me. It was my body—stripped and bare. Exposed. It was something that I could never hide from him. Something he knew better than I knew myself.

I stepped out of the rain and just happened to end up staring at my own naked breast.

A tear slipped down my cheek.

I drew in a ragged breath and blew it out through unsure lips.

How in the hell did the sight of my naked breast make me understand him so completely? Understand me through him even more.

There was something sensual about the sight. The nipple was rosy and healthy and puckered. But there was also a caress to the slope of the peak. An almost… motherly promise to the image.

Edward not only saw me as being able to be a mother… he granted me the image of it. It was hope and acceptance staring me in the face.

Peaceful. Loving. Beautiful.

I was beautiful.

Another tear slid down my cheek.

"Are you alright, sweetheart?" A kind voice asked from some place outside of the breast bubble I had put myself in.

I nodded. I was even afraid to blink.

"How much?" I asked quietly. I wanted it. I needed it. Yes, I could simply ask him to paint me another. And he would. But it wouldn't be this picture. It would be something he painted after I changed. Something he saw in me once I became what this painting told me I could be.

I didn't want that.

I wanted this. I wanted to see what Edward saw in me all along.

"It's not for sale." The woman's voice dropped to a sad note.

I turned to question her. Her eyes were drawn to the painting in a delicate way—she knew Edward.

I was a tad shocked at how quickly the jealousy squeezed my guts. Edward was a saint. He had to watch Mike put his arm around me. He had to see Mike Newton's ring on my finger. I could barely put up with talking to this woman that I only assumed knew Edward.

"Why not?"

Her eyes bounced to my face. I recognized her in an instant. MJ's business woman friend…no, her _significant other_. What the hell was she doing in an art studio with Edward's painting?

She seemed caught off guard that I had pressed the issue.

"Oh. It's a one of a kind. And the artist is a dick about it. But if you want… we have postcards of it for sale."

She waved to a small table by the door. There were stacks of very familiar looking sketches on small cards. I smiled. It was like being wrapped in a wave of Edward to be in this room right now.

"So… will he take this one home with him?"

She shook her head. "I'm not sure. I was actually surprised he let me put it out tonight. He…" She looked away as if trying to decide if what she said next was crossing a line.

She blanched suddenly, recognition in her eyes. "How'd your tatt turn out, babe?"

I smiled inadvertently at her casualness. "Uh…really well."

"Do you…um…know the artist personally?" I asked her. She called him a _dick_. I assumed that meant she actually knew him. I gathered this was probably her store. Some of the art on the walls didn't look anything like what Edward would create. She probably was a dealer for lots of local artists.

"I did… a long time ago," she replied in a sad voice.

She pursed her lips and glared at the painting… Almost like she blamed the person in the picture for her no longer knowing Edward.

I swallowed. Hard.

"I'm Kate," she said, offering me her hand.

_Shit. _She was Kate. The Kate. The chick that Edward said swung bats at him when she was mad at him.

_Fuck_.

"Uh…I'm… Bella," I stammered, shaking her hand nervously and hoping Edward had never mentioned me.

"No shit," she replied—looking taken back by my appearance.

My motor functions were on stand-by and for some unknown reason my mouth just said "shit".

She laughed. "Hmm…I was beginning to think you were the Loch Ness Monster or some shit-just a myth. Nice to finally meet you."

She turned her attention back to the painting. A gentle, but sad smile touched her lips.

"He doesn't paint. This is the one and only time that he did. He painted it on a night when he was thinking about you. I'm surprised he's never told you about it. He used to travel with the damn thing like it was a security blanket."

"Why is it up here now?"

My mind was spinning with how long this painting had existed. Here stood the proof I had been looking for since Edward went to Italy, and he had created it while I searched.

"I don't know," she said simply. "Ask him."

I turned at her words and met a pair of brown eyes that were almost more familiar to me than that breast on the wall.

"Edward," I whispered. It didn't matter how many years we spent together from here on out, I would never get tired of seeing him standing in front of me in person.

"Here you go," he said, handing paperwork to Kate. Her eyes grew wide when she read them and she glanced between us.

"You serious?"

I felt sick to my stomach. I had no right to pry into Edward's business affairs or anything. I didn't want to intrude on their conversation and began to move away.

Edward noticed me pulling away and stepped over to stand beside me. Whether he meant to or not, he slaughtered my apprehension by putting his arm around me. The cold, wet weather outside was completely forgotten.

I was toasty warm in Edward's embrace.

"We'll call it a going away present," he offered. I didn't miss the fact that when he mentioned going away, his arm squeezed around me.

"At least promise me you'll call…stop by. I'll be bored without your bronze-haired ass to kick around."

I couldn't meet Kate's eyes. I had the sinking suspicion that Edward was ending their business together. And I was nervous to think he was doing that because of me. He hadn't discussed anything to do with his business lately. I was filled with regret and shame for the way I had acted whenever he brought Kate up.

Having met her in person, I really liked her. She seemed like the type that I could trust to be around Edward—keeping business professional.

And I knew she was in to chicks so I hoped that meant she was less into Edward.

"It was nice meeting you, B," she said suddenly, reaching out to shake my hand. "Don't be strangers."

She turned her attention to the group still wandering around the shop.

"What did you give her?" I asked quietly-not wanting to pry but I couldn't help but wonder.

"The ownership papers on that painting," he said, nodding toward my breast on the wall.

"You're giving her my breast?" I said… a little too loud for either of our comforts. No one turned at my words but Edward drew me further back into the room to finish the conversation.

"First off… who told you it's your breast? Second, is there something wrong with giving it to her?"

I shrugged. "I know my own body, Edward," I growled. "And I've never seen this before. I …. I just…"

How could I explain to him what that painting made me feel? The epiphany that I had had the minute I saw it was still fresh in my mind.

"Bella," he started, running his hand through his hair. "That painting is from a different time and place in my life. I want to start new with you. That's why I asked you to meet me here. I wanted you to see it and then have us move on."

I couldn't argue with the look in his eyes. I tried to think of what Alec would tell me.

_Bella, you might have found insight from the picture but it was only a definition of what has plagued you in the past. Just let shit go._

I rolled my eyes. Okay, that last part was more me than Alec but it was the same sentiment.

"Can you paint me something to replace it?" I teased, batting my eyes up at him.

He laughed. "Sure. I'll paint your left one."

**-**-Bookends-**-**

"Where are we going?" I asked for the billionth time since we left the art studio. Edward drove the moving truck so slowly and carefully through the mountain road that I could have sworn my birthday came and passed.

"Home."

That was his only answer. For the last hour that was all he would say in regards to our destination. To say I was confused would have been be the understatement of the century.

I'd thought I was moving in with him… at his place in Seattle. When he turned off the highway and headed out into the wooded area between Port Angeles and Forks, I started wondering if I was finally going to be starring in a Lifetime movie.

_She never saw it coming._

It was a plausible name for the would-be overly dramatized retelling of my tragic life. The one that ended with finding out that my boyfriend was killed in Italy and was replaced with a homicidal maniac who had plastic surgery to look like Edward. Far fetched…true. But still… Edward hated the woods. He hated Forks. If he wasn't driving me out to the middle of nowhere to kill me, what the fuck were we doing on this road?

"Will you stop looking like you're fucking going to scream for help any second, please?" He glared ahead and huffed.

"So…we're not living in Seattle?" I opted for twenty questions over letting my imagination run wild.

"We can if you want. I kept the apartment. We can live in New York, too, if you want… I think Erebos gave me one of his villas in Italy, too."

I gaped at him. He was completely serious. I laughed.

"What?"

"Nothing…it's just… did you ever think we'd be sitting here? Think that one day you'd be so loaded that we'd be able to live anywhere we wanted to in the world?"

He laughed. "Nope. Fuck, I was happy to score a pizza back in the days of whore-house Tanyaville."

I swatted his arm and smiled. I harbored no love for his mother but it bugged the shit out of me when he casually said stuff like that.

"You're not going to give me any clues?"

He smirked. "Nope."

I tried a new tactic. "And you didn't think that you might want to consult me before?"

I regretted saying it the minute his face fell. He looked seriously worried.

"I didn't… I mean… Fuck, if you don't like the house…"

"House?" I bounced back easily at the distraction. He actually bought us a house?

He snapped his mouth shut and looked out his driver side window. "Yeah."

It was quiet in the truck for the rest of the drive. In true Edward fashion, we listened to the best of classic rock of the eighties and nineties. We even sang along off key.

"You give looove a _bad_ name," he crooned and laughed.

He turned off the road suddenly. There was no real driveway. I couldn't see any indication that there would even be a road ahead of us- but he knew this was the way.

There was a canopy branches covered in moss and browning leaves shadowing the _road_. It was oddly quaint and welcoming to ride under. I felt like Anne of Green Gables riding up to her new home.

I kept that information to myself. It was too Hallmark card for us. Too cutesy pie of an ending for the lives we both had led. He'd have plenty to use against me in the teasing department as it was.

He slowed the truck as we neared the end of the forest overhang. I could sense his eyes on me, his nervousness at my reaction to the house.

He didn't have anything to worry about. My breath caught and my heart stopped when I saw it.

It wasn't some big fancy mansion. And it wasn't some tiny shack. It looked more like a cabin or even a cottage but it looked spacious. I felt like I was staring into a fairytale looking at it. This perfect little house nestled in the middle of nowhere.

Edward's Vanquish was parked by the steps. There was no garage. No other building for miles around. Just trees, dirt and the house.

Our house.

I took a deep breath. As perfect as every moment with Edward felt, I couldn't deny that this was scary shit.

When would I fuck this up? It was only a matter of time—only a few emo weekends away from me being evicted from this fantasy never to return. This was already my second chance. How would I survive losing all of this now?

_Stop with the negative. Your future is only as solid as your willingness to work on it is._

I got out of the truck. Was Edward speaking? I couldn't hear him. I was lost in the dream of the perfect little house in front of me.

"Bella?"

That I heard but chose to ignore. I was smiling at the porch. I had a porch. Edward and I could sit out on it in rocking chairs. We could watch the gray creep into each other's hair while enjoying sunset after sunset together on that porch.

Our kids and grandkids could sit on the steps next to us.

I choked. My eyes brimming with tears, I tried to process the thought that I had just had.

Kids? Grandkids?

I wanted those?

"Bella," he whispered beside me. "What do you think?"

"Oh Edward…" How did I put this into words? I turned to meet his eyes—my vision swimming with tears that had not yet fallen. "Thank you."

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**EPOV**

She was happy with it. I let out a breath I'd been holding since I found the house last month.

I couldn't explain it, how I just knew we belonged in this place the minute I saw it.

I had that damn thunderstorm to blame for it. I pulled off the main highway to wait out the monsoon and ended up finding the path that led down here. Erebos was the type to talk about fate and being in the right place at the right time, and for once I believed him.

The 'For Sale' sign posted on the window was like a beacon—I had to own this house. Had to live here with Bella.

Hell, I could see us sitting on the porch in rocking chairs, for fuck's sake.

Everything after that moment seemed like a dream too good to be true. Bella had tried to give me a dream date. She thought she failed but it was the sweetest thing anyone had ever done for me.

And that tattoo. I shuddered at the memory. Fuck me, but seeing my artwork on her skin did things to me. Things that made the seclusion of this house a bonus.

I wanted to see how loud I could make her scream.

I was lost in the fantasy of fucking her on the front porch when she moved. Bella headed up to the door, and I followed.

Once inside, she stood in the entryway and smiled at me. I wrapped my arms around her.

"Home." It was the only thing I could think of when I saw it. Standing here, with her in my arms, I finally was home.

Bella looked around. I worried that the place was too small. It was bigger than her apartment but then so was the cab of that truck we were just riding in.

"You're already moved in," she laughed.

I shrugged sheepishly. "Yeah, nervous energy."

I laughed. I hadn't slept the night before. I drove from Seattle and just started unpacking. I was like a fucking kid at Christmas.

"I wanted to make sure we had a bed already set up when you arrived."

Bella blushed, and I realized that sounded kinkier than I'd meant it to be.

"Because we'd be tired from moving," I tried to clarify.

She rolled her eyes and headed up the stairs. "That's really all you want to do Edward? Sleep?"

She winked over her shoulder at me and I hurried up the stairs behind her.

"You fucking know what I meant. I'll stop trying to play the chivalrous dude from now on."

She laughed out loud.

"Oh Edward, Edward wherefore art thou, you couthless motherfucker?" she yelled from the landing at the top of the stairs.

"Yo, bitch, let's go fuck our eyes out in that extra large king sized bed I set up before you got here," I replied, hoisting her over my shoulder on my way to the bedroom.

"You play the part so well," she grumbled.

I smacked her ass for good measure. "And later we can fuck on the sofa that I made sure to bring, too."

I debated whether I should complete the pseudo role play and toss her on the bed or if I should lower her down gently.

I opted for gentle.

I wanted this moment to be just right. We walked through the fucking fires of hell to get here. I'd be damned if we were going to take this moment for granted.

Bella slipped from my shoulder smoothly, landing on the balls of her feet and smiling up at me.

"Hello, gorgeous," I whispered. I ran my fingertips across her cheek. She ran her fingers through my hair. We just enjoyed standing there in each other's arms.

Time stood still.

There were no phone calls. No emails. No dinner parties.

No family to bug us.

No needs that we had to fulfill.

Just me and my girl.

My heart was beating so hard and fast that I swore she could hear it. There was no sound but her breath. Her occasional sigh. The shift of the fabric of her clothes rubbing against mine.

We swayed to an invisible melody.

"Can I undress you?" she whispered.

I nodded, smiling. Could there be a more perfect moment in life? Could there be a more perfect creature in this world than my girl?

Her fingers were shaking with nerves. I found it cute as fuck that she was on edge. She had me…there was no way for her to fuck up touching me. Just her existing in the same space that I was in was enough. Any touch from her was heaven.

She blushed as my skin started to peek from beneath my shirt. She was so fucking adorable. Bella and I had created a child together. You didn't get much more intimate than that.

But there she was… embarrassed about us seeing each other naked.

She pushed the sides of my shirt apart once her trembling fingers finished with my buttons. She ran her fingers along the scars on my side- following the one that led across my chest and up to my shoulder.

"Tell me about it…" she whispered.

_Fuck me, is that her magic whisper?_

"Tell you about what, baby?" I said, stepping forward and kissing her forehead. I snuck my fingers under the hem of her shirt to feel her skin at the base of her back.

_Silky smooth._

"How you got these." Her eyes searched mine.

"You know how, Ed gave them to me." I brushed the hair from her face and ran my hands down the sides of her neck.

"But you've never told me how…told me… about the night it happened. How he…did it."

Her voice cracked. I watched her carefully. Why did she want to know about that now?

"Bella… what difference does it make? He hurt me. He hurt me a lot of times…in a lot of different ways. Ed was a fucking creative genius when it came to that shit."

She put her hand against the scars and stared straight in to my eyes—right into my soul. A moment past where suddenly I could feel walls inside of me crumbling down.

_What the fuck was she doing?_

"I had thirty two stitches," she said quietly. She stepped back, pulling off her shirt and stepping out of her pants. The pinkish smooth line across her lower stomach drew my eye.

I knew now what it was. I hadn't really seen it in the few years that we were together after she lost the baby. And I hadn't had a chance to process seeing it before I knew about the miscarriage.

"The doctors said I was lucky," she gave an ironic twist of her lips. "I could still have children. I had to go back… have the stitches removed."

She ran her hand along the line.

"You know…there were so many times in since that night that I wished… I could have felt them cut into me."

Tears welled in my eyes. Why was she doing this? Our moment was so perfect. We were about to christen our bedroom in our new home and she was dragging this… darkness in?

This shit was in the past.

Why bring it up now?

"I never got to feel the pain. They drugged me. They knocked me out… and when I woke up…I was numb. I wanted to feel the pain."

She took a step towards me. Instinctively, I stepped back—fear gripping me that I didn't understand.

"Why are you telling me this?" I breathed through tight, shaking lips.

"This is my scar, Edward. I need you to see it. To…" she reached out her hand and caught mine. I jumped at the contact but didn't resist her pulling me forward. She held my palm against the pink line across her body. "To touch it. I'm bringing this with me. And if I'm going to live here with you…then you're going to have to help me deal with it."

I pulled my hand back. I didn't have any shit that Bella would have to help me deal with.

I was over that shit.

Ed was dead and he wasn't going to hurt us anymore.

"Bella," I staggered back, hitting the backs of my knees on the bed and flopping into a sitting position. I tried to not look at her. "Thank you for trusting me with that…but… I don't need you to understand this. This," I said pointing to my scars, "this is dark shit that I never want to have touch you."

"But it will touch me, Edward. Your scar… it will lie against mine when we're in bed together."

My breath started to come in short, sharp pants. "I'm here for you, Edward. You don't have to keep it locked inside of you anymore."

I started shaking.

_What the fuck was going on? Why did it bother me so fucking much to think about this? It hadn't bothered me for decades to think about this._

_I could hear him…Ed was screaming downstairs. _

_Bottles breaking against a wall._

_I felt my body rocking. I was in my closet. _

_Please God, don't let him find me here._

_The door flew open and I screamed._

My heart stopped. I looked up to find green eyes bathing me in security.

Bella.

She was here. She'd keep me safe. I wasn't in pain with her around.

"It's okay, sweetheart," she was shushing and pleading with me. She wrapped her arms around me, and I sagged against her- my cheek pressed against her incision scar.

_Oh God. Had I been talking about that shit out loud?_

"No, Bella," I said, launching myself off the bed. I started pacing.

"I have to keep that shit away from you. You… It's in the past. It's not in our future. I'll never be like him. I'll never hurt you like that…" My eyes were wide with terror.

_Oh God, please don't ever let her fear me like that. Please…no._

"I know you won't, Edward." I relaxed minutely at the total trust and faith in her voice.

_I trusted Ed once, too._

I kept pacing.

_Seeing my mom fucking some random dude on our couch. Hearing police sirens and feeling relief that we'd at least get a break from her skank ass for one night_.

"It doesn't matter. It's over. It's done." I stopped, feeling completely drained. I had already fought this battle in Italy. I faced my inner Ed. I knew I'd never be him.

_Why was she bringing this up now?_

"I'm sorry," Bella pleaded. I drew in a sharp breath at the feel of her hands on my chest. I met her eyes with nothing but desolation in mine.

"You know it's all my fault, right?" I whispered.

She shook her head. She was crying. I'd made her cry.

I couldn't hold back my own tears anymore. "I have this… hell inside of me. I can't be good. It's all my fault…"

I sagged against her, and Bella grunted with the effort to get me back to the bed.

"Edward…you're scaring me. What are you talking about?"

I shook my head, falling on to my back. It was growing dark outside. I could still hear the rain hitting the windows.

I sighed to deepest, darkest place in my soul. "You would've been happy. You would've met this safe, boring, nice guy in high school. Fuck… maybe even Newton. Would've married him and had nice, cute, smart kids. But instead you met me. My fate is nothing but doom. So much bad shit following me around… if you'd never met me… you would've been so happy."

Bella shook her head in disbelief. I don't think this was what she expected when she gave me her trust about her scar. I was a fucking head case. What could I say?

"Edward," she cupped her hands around my cheeks as she spoke. Her eyes held mine and I found strength in the sincerity of her words. "I wouldn't give up one moment of pain. I wish we could go back and not have to live through such hell, yes."

Another tear slipped down her cheek. "But if being here with you, right now, like this comes with the price of what we've faced in our pasts…I'd pay it and gladly. If the only way I get to stay here with you is surviving what I've lived through…then that's a small price to pay."

I marveled up at the woman in my arms. There wasn't a chance in hell that I was worth a minute of her pain.

I opened my mouth to tell her as much.

"You're worth it, baby," she promised. "You said it yourself—a life without pain has to be a life without you. And there's no life without you, Edward."

"Bella," I mouthed, pulling her down to me.

I held her face in my hands in an echo her hold on me—angling her chin up and running my lips down the column of her neck.

"Thank you," I whispered into her flesh. I rolled her body under mine.

I ran my lips down to her shoulders. These shoulders had carried such burdens in the past.

No more.

We were a team now. We'd shoulder the future together.

We were two bodies moving as one. Her lips touched the B on my stomach and my fingers brushed the apple on her back.

Our tongues danced in harmony—sliding and probing. Moaned mixed together in the darkening room.

We explored every inch of each other. My fingers could not touch her enough. Her skin was a delicacy that I savored. Flavor. Texture. Warmth. Soft. I made a note of all of her tender areas—the ones that made her giggle and the ones that made her moan.

She turned me from side to side, and back to front. Like a child discovering a new treasure, Bella learned all the secrets of my body. She kissed along the scars that had caused my breakdown. A promise I was beginning to understand. She didn't want to hear about the monster who had marred my flesh. She wanted to help heal the little boy who had been cut.

When I entered her I truly understood home.

She knew my faults. She had seen my darkest pain.

And she wrapped herself around me in promise that she would love me no matter what.

How she could find pleasure in this act after what she had survived I didn't know. I was almost too afraid to hurt her. To push her too far. To set off her own self-preservation that would scream this will lead to pain again. How could I help her trust her body? I would spend the rest of my life helping Bella learn to love this temple as much as I did.

Sensation was born in the brain. It was possible for the mind to convince the body that climax was imminent without a touch ever registering against the skin.

I was released by the first touch, and I was soaring at each reminder that she was truly here, really mine…forever.

I had to agree with her. If had known that we would face what we had to at the start of our journey together, I would have denied myself a future with Bella to protect her. But now…looking back and knowing the heaven that it was to be here...

I would gladly suffer hell for her.

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**BPOV**

After we were done, lying spent in each other's arms, I pressed my ear to his chest.

"Ah," I sighed. His heart was beating strong and true. The sound made my own swell. How could it be possible that after so much pain and so many nights of sleeping in separate beds and living in separate lives that we would arrive back here in this moment of bliss?

"What are you thinking?" he whispered.

It made my face hurt with the stretch of my smile. He'd always been afraid to ask me that. Always been afraid to really know what was going on inside my head.

But he wasn't that Edward anymore.

"About you," I squeezed my arms around his waist and pressed my nose to his chest- inhaling that scent that was pure Edward. He squirmed as I burrowed my face into his taut skin. His hands were gripping my shoulders but not pushing me away. I rubbed the tip of my nose over the spot where his heart beat. He laughed and the sound made a giggle bubble up from my soul.

"I love you," I sighed and turned my head to look into his eyes. The combination of pride and warmth in his chocolate brown depths and the constant thump of his heart made me feel like I was melting. I was ceasing to be Isabella Swan... ceasing to be anything but a part of Edward. His image. His mind. His love and heart. And most of all his soul- they were the four walls of my world. Not in the way that I had once believed. My survival did not balance on Edward's broad shoulders. But my happiness did. I might not die if Edward was not with me but I knew that I would never smile again if I were alone.

Edward's body brought me back down to reality as I could feel _Demon Eddie_ shifting against my thigh. I wondered if it were possible for all guys to be as ready to perform as Edward seemed to be. Then I laughed at the nickname.

"What?" he asked with wicked smirk. I rolled my eyes. He had no idea what I was thinking. As if begging for me to get the giggles, _Demon Eddie _twitched against me once more.

"Nothing," I tried to lie. He surveyed my face and raised a brow. I attempted to tease him, knowing it would just backfire in my face.

"I gave your…uh... quivering member a nickname," I giggled.

He smiled, big and toothy. "Yeah? And what, pray tell, is it?"

I shook my head. "Not telling you. It's a secret." I winked and he mock huffed.

"What do…I mean do you have a nickname for my…stuff?"

Edward chuckled and kissed my nose. "Your stuff? Bella, you make your girlie parts sound like what you have packed in boxes downstairs."

I shrugged. "Well?" I mimicked his look of interest.

Edward's eyes sparkled wickedly. "I call your boobs mine and your pussy fucking mine."

"Idiot."

He snickered. "I wanna hear the nickname. Does it have to do with size or sensation?"

My brow furrowed at the question. "Sensation?"

He shrugged. "You know like… the Orgasmnator or something."

"I hate to disappoint you but I didn't turn your dick into an action hero."

He busted up laughing as I blushed. "Fair enough…now come on…" He gave me that pouty look with the puppy dog eyes. "What did you name him?"

"I don't want to tell you. You'll forever tease me about it. And you'll just have more ammo for talking dirty in public."

"Please."

_Fuck, there goes the super pout. _

"Demon Eddie," I grumbled.

He snorted and started thrusting said mini demon against me like it was the devil's pitchfork.

"Cut it out," I whined.

"You'll always be a mystery to me, Bella Swan," he said, kissing my lips. He looked so damn happy—carefree. My chest swelled with the knowledge that I had made him feel that way.

"I don't think I'll ever figure your brain out."

"Hardwired by burnouts in shop class," I said, tapping my forehead and making a face. "Der…my circuits are fried."

He smirked.

"I know what you're thinking now," he said, bringing his finger up to my temple and running it down to my lips.

"What, smarty-pants?"

His crooked smile did little to draw my attention away from his eyes. They were wicked. A thrill of heat and anticipation lashed through me at the sight.

He moved slowly toward me- his eyes shifting between my lips and eyes. I drew in an unsteady breath.

He stopped. "Yep," he winked and suddenly my sides were assaulted in relentless tickles. I giggled and he laughed and we played—rolling about on the huge bed. Eventually he released me from that torture, only to capture my lips in just another form of sweet abuse.

Our shared moans nearly blocked out the sound of our phones.

We both sprang up and watched in confusion as Edward's Blackberry, my cell phone, the home phone and the computer alerted us to incoming correspondence.

"Have we been locked away from civilization _that_ long?" I tried to joke. I glanced at the clock- it had been almost twenty four hours since we entered the house. We'd talked and teased, napped and played some more. And all of my junk was still out in the truck. I wanted to laugh at the thought but Edward was on edge.

He didn't try to mask his worry as his eyes darted to me. They swept quickly over my entire body and his hand clutched around my waist for a second- as if to prove that I was not the one in trouble.

He swallowed and nodded toward the technological offensive.

I headed for my phone and the home phone while he dove for his Blackberry and computer.

The home phone went to the answering machine and my phone went to voice mail. We turned to each other and said, at the same time as the answering machine announced, "Call Alice."

I sighed and sat on Edward's lap at the computer desk. He slung one arm around me protectively- never satisfied with any distance between us. I refused to feel guilty about that. Mainly because I would be a wallowing mess if I allowed everything I had done to Edward to affect me that way.

"She's not picking up." His voice was strained. I knew where his mind was going. It had to be Jazz. Alice wouldn't be that desperate to contact both of us, especially on the official moving weekend, for anything else. I wasn't sure what it could be though. Jazz wasn't notorious for getting into trouble. That was Edward's M.O.

I reached out and tapped the emails opened. She'd had time to send three. I blushed as I realized the first one was probably sent while Edward was proving to me that I was more flexible than I had thought.

After the first three words of the first email I was off Edward's lap and throwing on clothes.

_COME HOME NOW!_

Edward scrambled around me. His shirt was tangled with my bra. My pants were on the other side of the room while his socks were only God knew where. The phone must have gone to voice mail because as I pulled on my shoes Edward was shouting, "PICK UP THE DAMN PHONE, ALICE!"

He grumbled and finished getting dressed beside me. We were in the Vanquish and flying down the one oh one before I could catch my breath.

"Now, Edward," I warned. His fingers gripped the steering wheel tighter but he said nothing. I knew he was worried but killing us wouldn't help.

I laid my hand on his thigh- the car actually slowed noticeably.

"Bella," he breathed. His free hand closed over mine, and I started chanting comforting words.

"It's going to be okay. We have no idea what happened. Hell, you know Alice. This could be a trick to get us to come home for a party. Don't worry, Edward."

He turned to draw further comfort from my eyes.

"I love you, Edward. Everything else we can face together."

He nodded. I had no freaking clue where the words of strength were coming from other than he needed to hear them so I needed to say them. But on the inside I was freaking out all the more. What would we find had happened to Jazz? Alice had to be pretty scared to call us like that.

My mind was swirling with horrific scenarios all ending in the sight of Alice breaking down the way I had when my world ended. Jazz was with me that night. He got me through that. I couldn't lose him anymore than Edward and Alice could.

We were both out of the car before it stopped moving, or so it felt. There was no one outside either house when we got there. It was almost too eerie.

"The cars are all gone, Edward... what?" I shrugged but he was already running into the Cullen house.

I moved to follow him but something caught my eye. In the fading evening light, cast in shadow against the setting sun an object rocked back and forth in front of me. It was the swing that Em had built for me when we were kids. He had taken it down when I got older because he was afraid that it would break from weather exposure and he refused to let his little sister get hurt.

For some reason it was back up. I smiled at the memory of the simple treasure. He spent weeks measuring and cutting every piece of it. He proudly announced that no father was needed for the Swan kids to have fun. I wondered idly if he ever realized that he was my father. Every bear hug after a tear, every punch on the arm after a sigh, and every time he looked at me with pride in his eyes. Em was the best damn father anyone could have. This swing was proof of that.

I caught the sound of a loud thud in the house—drawing me from my thoughts of my big brother. Edward was the only big brother that I needed to look out for right now- mine could take care of himself. Edward would need someone to hold him while he faced whatever was happening to Jazz.

"Edward," I said quietly as I entered the kitchen. He was on his knees in front of the cabinets. He had a phone to his chest and tears were streaming down his face. He rocked slightly forward and back.

"Oh God," I said, drawing my hand to my chest. I rushed to his side. This couldn't be good.

_Not Jazz... please not Jazz_.

I put my hands on either side of his face pulling him into the loving promise of my eyes.

_Share this with me, Edward. We can get through this together_.

"Bella..." his voice strangled around his tears. I could feel my own falling unchecked. I nodded for him to continue.

"Bella..." he breathed again.

"What happened, Edward?" I tried to remain strong like I had in the car. I could do that for him. He needed me to...

"It's Em and Rose."

I froze.

I blinked.

The world wasn't making any sense.

"What is?" my feeble brain finally forced between my lips.

Edward swallowed—the power of support passing seamlessly to him from me as our brothers switched positions in possible harm.

I felt his hands secure around me. I sagged against the promise of his strength as I crumpled at his words.

"Their plane lost altitude while crossing the Atlantic. It plunged..." His arms fastened harder around me as I screamed a sob into his chest.

"They're gone, Bella. There were... no survivors."

Like a bulldozer hitting the side of a dam made of the finest glass, my chest broke open and the flood of anguish was released once more. I was consumed by pain so acute that I couldn't remember anything but the piercing sting of it upon my flesh.

My whole body was numb as ice and all the world was a flame.

_I want my big brother_.


	37. Preserve your memories

**Bookends By: Bella's Executioner.**

**Rating: M- this means if you're under 16 you are agreeing to break your own ToS by reading this and I'm not your mother so be responsible for yourself.**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is the sole owner of the world of Twilight. She is Bella's creator. I am Bella's Executioner.**

**A/N: Bookends is the very first fanfiction I started writing. It's been on this site, moved and come back. It has errors, fuck ups and lots of proofs that I'm human but it also has all of my heart and soul in it. I welcome you into this world of pain and love and hope that you enjoy. I also welcome your thoughts as you read—pm me or review and I'll be happy to discuss the story with you.**

**Life is not just about living, it is about dying, too. It has a beginning and an end. What we do and who we hold on to in the middle is what defines our life. **

"**Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." – Dr. Seuss**

"**Life gives us brief moments with one another…but sometimes in those brief moments, we get memories that last a life time…" Anonymous**

**As always I thank my wonderful beta. She goes through the pain of these characters with me more times than anyone should have to. I'm taking up stock in Kleenex and sending her a lifetime supply of tissues for this story. **

**And I just want to thank all of you who have been on the journey with me. Whether we've ever talked or not, I appreciate your support! **

**Chapter 37: Preserve your memories**

**-**-Bookends-**-**

"**Preserve your memories**, they're all that's left you" (Bookends, Paul Simon)

(I did it my way, Frank Sinatra)

And now, the end is near,  
And so I face the final curtain.  
My friends, I'll say it clear;  
I'll state my case of which I'm certain.

I've lived a life that's full -  
I've traveled each and every highway.  
And more, much more than this,  
I did it my way.

Regrets? I've had a few,  
But then again, too few to mention.  
I did what I had to do  
And saw it through without exemption.

I planned each charted course -  
Each careful step along the byway,  
And more, much more than this,  
I did it my way.

Yes, there were times, I'm sure you knew,  
When I bit off more than I could chew,  
But through it all, when there was doubt,  
I ate it up and spit it out.  
I faced it all and I stood tall  
And did it my way.

I've loved, I've laughed and cried,  
I've had my fill - my share of losing.  
But now, as tears subside,  
I find it all so amusing.

To think I did all that,  
And may I say, not in a shy way -  
Oh no. Oh no, not me.  
I did it my way.

For what is a man? What has he got?  
If not himself - Then he has naught.  
To say the things he truly feels  
And not the words of one who kneels.  
The record shows I took the blows  
And did it my way.

Yes, it was my way.

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**Jake POV (1999)**

I didn't like to go outside the lines. The picture looked prettier when you kept you colors inside what was already there.

I made sure to not press too hard on the crayons, either. I wanted them to last. Was tired of them breaking. And it was easier to keep the color inside the lines if you didn't press too hard.

Emmett snapped the red crayon in half, grinding it against the page- the color was all over. I couldn't even tell what he was trying to color since the line seemed completely forgotten.

"Mom!" I yelled.

Em rolled his eyes. "Don't think she can hear you, Jake."

"Oh…right…Em's mom!" I whined.

Mrs. Swan came into the kitchen. Her smile was as pretty as ever, even though I could tell she was trying to not seem sad that I had called for my mom.

_Gotta stop doing that, dummy. She's been gone for six years. She's not coming back._

"What's wrong, sweetheart?" she asked, automatically glaring at her son.

"Em's coloring wrong," I explained.

Mrs. Swan smiled more sincerely and Em huffed like I had caught him stealing cookies.

"There's no right way to color, Jacob," she informed me sweetly.

"Though, if you keep breaking all of your crayons I won't buy you any new ones, Emmett Charles," she warned.

I snickered at the sound of his middle name. Emmett always hated being called _Charles_.

Em huffed at his mother. "I can't help how powerful my artistic talent is, Ma."

She shook her head at both of us, laughing as she left the room.

"You're still doing it wrong," I grumbled when he picked up the next crayon and ignored the shapes already on the page.

"Only wrong for you, dude. What difference does it make?" He raised his eight-year-old eyebrows at me in distraction. He had that look in his eyes—the one that meant I was going to be put in time-out for punching him.

He leaned over and scribbled a dark blob of orange at the corner of my page before I could stop him.

"You messed it up!" I yelled.

"Made it better, you mean." He laughed.

"You're such a jerk!" I screamed

I launched myself at him-landing on the ground with my fist ready to connect with his cheek.

We probably would have kept fighting through the sound of the phone ringing and maybe even once Mrs. Swan was talking.

But we heard her cry.

Em shoved me off of him and I let him since I was just as worried as he was.

"You found…_her_…Oh my God….yes…That's unbelievable…" She seemed happy. She was smiling and pacing around like someone did when they were excited about something.

But she was crying.

Tears were streaked down her cheeks and every now and then her breath sounded like it caught in her throat.

"Okay…see you soon." She hung up the phone and I exchanged a confused look with Emmett.

"What's up, Mom?" he asked timidly as we entered the living room.

She covered her mouth, like that was supposed to stop us from seeing her tears or something and shook her head.

"That was…your dad, Jacob," she told me. "He's coming home. They should be here in an hour or so."

"They?" Em and I said in unison.

"He's picking up your cousins…they were…"

"Tanya's back in rehab again," I guessed. She nodded. Poor Edward and Jazz. It might have sucked to have a mom who ran out on me before I learned to walk, but it beat having a mom who abused me.

"And…you're getting…your dad has….Your sister is coming home, too," she stammered.

I looked at her…even more confused than I was before. "My sister?"

"He's adopted a girl from the orphanage where the boys were sent. She's coming home with them."

I didn't know what to do with that information.

I spent the next hour pacing the porch in front of the Swan house trying to figure out what I was supposed to do with that news.

_Why did I need a sister? Dad's hardly home as it is._

Em sat on the porch and watched me walk back and forth.

"Maybe she'll be fun to play with," he theorized.

"She's not a doll that Dad bought to add to my toy collection, Em," I snapped.

"Dude, we're not even touching the fact that you play with dolls," he teased.

I rolled my eyes.

"What are you afraid of?" he finally asked, quiet and in some weird supportive way.

"I dunno…I'm not sure I was meant to be a big brother."

Em shook his head, standing and throwing an arm over my shoulder.

"There's nothing to it, Jake. It's fun," he promised.

I thought about Em and Bella. He was a great big brother. He cared about his sister more than he'd ever let anyone know. But I knew.

I saw when he made sure to walk slower to school so Bella could keep up. I saw when he'd talk to Charlie by the car when he dropped them off so Bella didn't have to deal with their father's scrutiny.

I saw when he let her sleep in his bed so that her nightmares didn't scare her at night.

_Could I be that kind of big brother to this new sister?_

"What if she doesn't like me?"

Em rolled his eyes. "Please. You're awesome, Jake. A person would have to be deaf, dumb and stupid to not like you."

I sighed.

We could see the Mercedes coming down the driveway.

I swallowed.

At some point, Mrs. Swan and Bella joined us at the steps. My nerves were on end to see the passengers exit the black car.

My cousins were first.

Edward looked like someone had beaten him down. He wasn't the same kind of big brother as Em was—instead acting more a father to Jazz. There wasn't a person standing here who didn't know what my cousin had suffered, first with Ed and now with Tanya.

Even at the age of eight, I knew what Edward faced had to be overwhelming and terrifying. I was immediately ashamed at being afraid to be a big brother to this new girl.

What problems did I have to face in my life, really? Compared to the crap that my cousins faced every single second of their lives…all I had to do was be a friend to this girl. To love her. To support her.

I could totally do that.

"This is Alice," Dad said with his hands on the tiny shoulders of my baby sister.

Her eyes were big with intimidation. But she smiled like she just knew this was where she belonged.

I stepped down from the porch and threw my arms around her. "Welcome home, Sis."

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**APOV (morning of the crash)**

I set out the button down top for Jazz to wear to dinner.

"Bit early to be laying out clothes, isn't it, baby?" he asked, kissing the back of my neck.

I smiled. "You know me. I like to be prepared."

He laughed. "Remind me why you weren't a girl scout, again?"

I made a face. "Their outfits are atrocious."

Jazz laughed and swatted my butt before he headed into the kitchen.

"Where are you taking me?" I prodded. There were only two nice-enough places in Forks to be considered "going out" dining and only a handful of options in Port Angeles.

"Picnic in the tree house?" he teased as I entered the kitchen behind him.

I rolled my eyes with exaggerated slowness. "Um…no, thanks."

"Hmmm," he feigned worry. "Don't know now."

I winked at him and reached for the orange juice in the fridge.

"You're a very intelligent man. I'm sure you'll think of something."

It happened so suddenly. One minute I was talking to my husband, laughing about our near future and then I was sitting on the floor in a puddle of orange juice. I had no memory of falling. It was like I had blacked out.

The image of my sister and her husband dead flashed in my head.

"No…No!" I was moaning and rocking slightly.

I felt like I was out of my body, seeing some moment in another dimension that had nothing to do with me.

"Alice… look at me, sweetheart… Alice, please…" Jazz's calm voice was cutting through the fog but the nightmare was still there in my brain.

"I…you have to call them!" I shouted. "Warn Rose and Em that something bad is going to happen!" Maybe this was the fear that had been haunting me for months now, that nagging feeling that something terrible was going to happen.

Thank God I figured it out before…

"No Al…" Jazz whispered. "They're gone. You were just on the phone with Dad. He told us they're heading to Portland. That the … plane crashed early this morning…"

The empty darkness opened up and the conversation that had sent me on my knees flooded back into my mind. My joking, happy moment with my husband was cut short with the ringing of our phone. My father's voice…I'd never heard it so devoid of emotion…Rose was gone.

A plane crash.

I closed myself off, cutting off the sense of hearing and seeing. It was like being back in that orphanage as a kid.

No. This was worse.

That pain had an ending.

I was tumbling into darkness.

_Why?_

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**RPOV (one month before her surgery) **

"I'm glad to see you again, Rose." She smiled.

"Thank you, Dr. Tenno." I matched her smile.

"I was worried when they said you wanted to see me…I thought we were all settled? When last we spoke…" She referred to her notes.

I wasn't some person living in a folder. My mind wasn't controlled by what her notes said about me.

"Am I crazy?"

She closed her file, turning slowly to look at me. It wasn't the first time I had asked her that. It would never be the last time I would ask people that.

"Literally speaking, yes. You want to alter your physical appearance based on psychological desires."

I nodded.

"But… that's not a bad thing," I said. It wasn't a question… well, maybe it was, but she had drilled it in to me over and over again when I first started these mandatory appointments that I wasn't insane. I was in total control of my mind. I just wasn't…normal.

And normality was subject to the eyes of the beholder. So for me and my life I was totally sane and completely normal.

"Rosalie, no one can tell you who or what you should be in this world. You…above all of my other patients…above most people I've ever met, period, live by that belief."

I nodded.

"What is troubling you, Rose?"

I twiddled my thumbs—thumbs that belonged to a guy. I was sitting in this chair in a guy's body.

"Why?"

It wasn't something anyone could explain.

It was the first thing I asked my Dad when I found out Mom was gone.

The first thing I asked myself when I realized I was in love with my best friend.

The only thing that kept running through my head as I swallowed pill after pill and spoke to countless doctors about these procedures I was about to go under.

Why.

Why was a born a guy.

Why did I have to go through this.

It wasn't a question, either. It was just a plea.

"How is your family, Rose?"

I shrugged. "My Dad…is doing great. Jazz and Alice are enjoying each other… Edward… I worry about him…Bella…they're going through a lot." So much more than she'll ever let me tell.

"And how is your mother?"

When I was a kid…Mary would've been the first person in my mind when someone said that word. But ever since I decided…ever since Rose was born… all I saw was Esme.

"She's happy."

"How is Emmett doing?"

My chest swelled with pride. Em was doing better than me. Every night there was some new study or book that he'd found info about what we were in for. Most of it was stuff that he didn't really care to understand but he'd tell me about it. He'd use whatever new term he'd learned as a starter to a conversation about what I was going through.

He reminded me of a guy who was excited to have his first kid—almost desperately wishing he could be pregnant, too. Or at least share the burden with his wife.

In so many ways I wasn't the only one being altered. Em never missed an opportunity to show me his support in that choice.

"He's amazing," I whispered.

"So…why?" she repeated.

I nodded.

"I've always had a theory about you, Rose."

I laughed. "Em says I was too stubborn to just leave well enough alone."

She smiled. "Nah, I think you're strong enough. Some battles…some choices…have to be fought and made just so that life advances. You can do this. You were born to do this. And so you must do this."

I shook my head. "O…kay." I didn't know what to make of that one.

She laughed. "It's a good thing, Rose. You give people hope."

I looked around the room. "What people?"

"The people you just told me about. The people who see you walk down the street. The people who are sitting out in that waiting room right now who will see you leave here with your head held high."

I worked my thumbs together some more. "What hope can I give them? If you're crazy, it's okay?"

She rolled her eyes. "Sort of… They see you live your life the way you want and they are inspired. Hell…look at Emmett. He'd never have the strength to be as ready for this future with you if he didn't have you for guidance."

"But he wouldn't have to be strong if I were a girl," I argued.

"Well, you weren't born a girl, Rosalie," she snapped.

I blinked and nodded.

"I'm sorry," she offered.

I shook my head. "No…you're right. I'm going to be changing my sexual status next month. No room for the regrets of fate."

She shook her head. "That's not what I meant. I meant… I understand that you have fears. That you have wishes…like wishing you didn't have to do all of this just to be you. But you're doing it. If half the people in this world lived that way…"

She got this far-off look in her eyes. I couldn't help but think Whitney Houston music would start playing in the background.

"If people just followed their hearts and faced the world with your kind of determination, I'd be out of a job."

"I still need you," I pointed out.

She smiled. "No, Rose, you need support. You don't need me. You're in a hole, but you know where the top is and you have a gameplan for digging yourself out. The people who _need _me…they can't even see that they're underground."

I could see almost all of my family at some point in my life in my mind when she said that. Especially Bella…my poor, lost little sister.

"So….to recap," I said.

Dr. Tenno laughed.

"I'm crazy but it's a good thing. The kind of thing that tells other people to be happy in their craziness?"

She smiled and nodded.

I nodded.

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**CPOV (the night of the plane crash)**

Esme kept rubbing my knee.

I couldn't hear anything. Couldn't see anything.

I don't even remember how we got to Portland or how I got into this seat. I only knew we were on our way to New York. We'd catch a connecting flight to Denmark.

I just kept thinking about the day Mary gave birth to Jacob.

I never wanted to have kids.

Jack had beaten any tender feelings of family from my body, I'd thought.

When Mary got pregnant, I could only consider the baby a mistake. I didn't love Mary the way I should have. The child would know that. The child should be a combination of our love for each other. I wasn't one hundred percent in that relationship.

The baby would know that…sense that about me, right?

For the entire nine months that she was pregnant, I felt like I was trapped. I went through the motions of marrying her. Setting up the house for a family to live there. A man and his wife were living there but it was impossible to believe that it was me.

I removed myself more and more from the reality of what was going to happen when she went to the hospital that morning. I was a selfish, stupid kid who got a girl pregnant because I felt sorry for myself, and now there was this whole world of responsibility at my feet.

All of that melted away when I met my son.

Somehow…I understood what it was like to feel happy again.

I smiled.

I loved.

I even realized a love for Mary that I hadn't thought possible.

He didn't heal the divide that would forever be between his mother and I but Jacob woke me up to the reality of my life.

He was like a sunrise after a lifetime of midnight.

The only other person who came close to making me feel the way I did when I met my son was my daughter.

I would be eternally grateful to Mary for my children. Whatever demons we shared and brought upon ourselves removed, we made two remarkable children.

Jake's tiny brown eyes were all I could see now.

Yes, there was an awesome responsibility handed to you when you became a parent. In a heart beat, I realized that little life was totally trusting of me to take care of him.

I never knew the confidence to be the person I wanted to be before I had Jacob as a dependent.

I took a deep breath. He trusted me to keep him safe.

"I can save lives. Put people back together when they are broken…" I started rambling.

Esme was silent.

Her hand was still on my knee. Her love and support for me was glowing like a lighthouse in a stormy harbor, but she lost a son today, too.

"I don't know if I ever told him how proud I was," she whispered.

"You did, love," I assured her. "They both knew…how much we loved them."

They were just words. I didn't know anything for certain. Fuck, I was hoping to step off the plane and have to punch my son-in-law in the face for this prank.

I flew. I knew the first time I took control of the jet that the possibility of death was very real.

I liked the control that flying gave me. If I died, it was not at the hands of someone else. After the childhood I had survived I appreciated that sense of power. To have my mortality in my hands.

I'd give anything to have the power to trade places with our children.

"Please return your tray tables and puts your seat backs in the upright position."

"What do we do now?" Esme asked, not turning to look at me. Her face was pale and drained of all life. Desolate. Empty.

I felt my face reflect hers as I fastened my seatbelt for landing.

"We bring them home."

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**EmPOV (2002)**

"Where's Bells?" I asked Mom as I came downstairs.

Charlie just drove off, again. I'd heard him tell Mom some crap about not wanting to have to meet here anymore.

Mom tried to turn her head fast enough to hide her face from me but I already knew she was crying. She never talked to Charlie without ending up crying.

Or yelling.

"Uh…she's out back," Mom waved toward the backdoor. "Why don't you go keep her company for a little while? I'm going to start dinner."

"Kay," I said, shuffling past her. "Uh…Mom? If you don't want to cook, I've got some money. We can order pizza instead." I offered.

"Where did you get money?" She still didn't turn to look at me as she spoke.

"From the yard work I did for Mr. Newton last week. There's not much but we can totally get pizza with it."

"Emmett," she said softly, turning and pulling me into a big hug. "You're a sweet boy but that's your money. You earned it. I'll buy us pizza if that's what you want for dinner. Now…go see how your sister is, please."

I nodded without saying anything else.

Mom was being brave. Again. The thing that started the fight was Charlie's bitching about money. He got a raise and didn't want us to see any of it… didn't want Mom to get any of it.

I pulled out the ten that I had in my wallet and slid it under her purse by the phone in the kitchen on my way out the backdoor. She'd never know it was mine.

I didn't need anything, anyway. I only did the chores because Mr. Newton had been so nice to us over the years. He taught me how to make repairs around the house—which saved us lots of money since this old place was always falling apart. The least I could do was help him out.

The fact that he offered to pay me was just a bonus.

We didn't have a lot of money. Mom could be sappy all she wanted when it came to telling her eleven-year-old son that she didn't need it but I wasn't some dummy.

We couldn't afford pizza. I didn't want to eat pizza… though I liked eating pizza but I just didn't want her to have to worry about cooking right now.

Charlie was a jerk.

I could hear my baby sister crying before I could see her.

She was sitting under that tree between ours and the Cullen properties.

"What'd he say?" I asked, squatting in front of her.

Lil sis had to learn fast. It was okay to feel emotions. Hell, it was even okay to cry over something Charlie Swan did, but then you moved on. He was just going to keep hurting you if you let him.

She sniffed. "He said it was a …_bother _to have to ride the ferry with us. It's scary on the ferry, Em. I don't want to ride it alone."

"I know, Bells, but you won't be alone. I'll be riding it with you."

She smiled a little and then got that angry look that I hated to see on her face. She got it when she had to be around Charlie.

"Who calls their kids a bother?" she whispered.

I wanted to punch him. Walk right up to that guy who people told us to call _Dad_ and just deck him in the lip, but what good would that do?

"Hey." I tapped her knee and stood up. She followed me with her eyes as she tried to wipe away some tears. "What do you say I build that swing you've been wanting?"

Bella huffed. "You're just a little kid like me, Em. That's a job for a grown-up."

I chuckled and headed to the garage.

"Grown-ups schmonups. You want a swing?" I asked and she nodded with enthusiasm.

"Then I'll find a way for you to get one."

I held out my pinky and waited for her to wind her smaller digit around it.

"Promise."

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**EPOV (the night of the crash, Cullen house)**

Her tears were torn from deep inside her—she was fighting hiccups now, too. By the grace of God I was able to move us to the living room and fall with her on to the couch. She was in so much pain.

My muscles ached with the need to beat down the darkness around her. I was hurting, too- but she was hurting more. Death was not something easy for Bella to handle. I took some small comfort in the fact that unlike every other time she faced it, she clung to me now and wouldn't let me leave her side while she worked through this.

Alice was sending me text messages. Bella sniffed around more memories that would dominate her mind forever.

I clung to my baby and talked to my sister.

_What happened really?_ I typed. It was bullshit that suddenly two happy, healthy people like Em and Rose just fell out of the sky and died. There had to be something else behind it. Some reason.

_Sudden engine failure_. The lack of flourish around her responses told me Alice was hurting as bad as Bella—rightly so. I had no biological siblings. It would hurt like fucking hell to lose Jazz, or Al just like it was thinking about Rose and Em. But Alice was Rose's biological sister and Bella and Em shared the same parents, too.

My poor girls.

It still didn't add up for me. _What the fuck do you mean?_ I hit send against my better judgment. It would seem like I was yelling at her.

They can't be... really gone. My phone buzzed in a mirror of Alice's annoyance with me.

Her reply was clipped and to the point. _I mean the plane just stopped working. It fell from the sky. No one survived_.

Fuck. Bella shook in my arms. My brain stopped working. It was just impossible. My life had been one never ending line of fucked up moments but... this was something more nefarious than all of Tanya's failures combined.

This was fate.

And she was a motherfucking bitch.

_How are you?_ I asked.

The reply took awhile to come through. Damn. She was hurting. Finally my palm buzzed with the silent announcement of her reply.

_This is Jazz. Al_...

Yeah, I understood that. Those three dots were what Bella was.

_Comfort her. Where is everyone? _

_Gone. Carlisle and Esme are heading down to Portland by car and then flying to New York. Al and me are at the studio. We'll be here all night. She doesn't want to go back there yet_.

I nodded. _Bella and I are at home. Cullen home. Call us with any news_.

_Will do_.

_Jazz?_

_What?_

_Love you._

_Love you too, big brother._

I tossed my phone on the coffee table. I didn't give a fuck if it broke. Bella sensed my freedom from the device and climbed up my chest to burrow her face to my neck.

I rocked us. I closed my eyes and buried my nose in her hair. Life was so fucking precious. Especially this life cradled in my arms right now. What would I do if she suddenly fell from the sky? I'd fucking die myself. There was nothing I could do. You can't fight nature. I didn't even try to calm her with words—this wasn't something you could cheat.

This was just death.

Inexplicable and fucking horrible as it was death was just life. My chest seized at the thought.

_This just couldn't be happening._

We sat there tangled like that forever, her little chest jumping with the uncontrollable jerks of grief. I just held her.

There were memories in my head. Too many and yet too few.

The room was pitch-black when her cries calmed and her breathing evened out. I felt all the tension ease from her body.

Sleep.

I kissed her forehead and carried her up the stairs. It wasn't a difficult thing to do in the dark of this house. This was my home. I trusted it to protect us as I made my way up to the third floor.

Bella's breathing hitched slightly as I lowered her to the bed. I undressed her for a more comfortable rest. I removed her shoes and shocks—pulled off her pants. I stopped once her legs were bare but for the single triangle of white at their apex.

The moon was shining through the window and her skin was cream under its glow.

I stared at her. She was an angel. So pure. So good.

I lowered myself beside the bed and reached out one hand—drawing it along her half-bent upper leg. I felt her fingers in my hair.

My head drifted up- my eyes drawn to her face. Her tears were not dried but they were calmed. The pain was an ache that I wished for the power to ease. My hand continued to stroke her leg while her fingers continued to caress my scalp.

"I love you," she whispered. It felt like I was in a dream. The room was cast in shadows and stardust. Bella's eyes looked silver in the moonlight. Her cheeks the same luscious cream that was drifting beneath my touch. If not for the horrific evil that threatened to steal our peace once we left this bed, I would believe my life was a fantasy.

Maybe it was. Fantasy could not exist without nightmare.

"I love you," I vowed in a clear voice. She nodded and her arms drew me to her. Before either of us could say anything else our voices were hushed by the joining of our lips.

Whispers of love spoken with only the brush of flesh upon flesh. Her breath was sweet as it came more rapidly against my neck. The white triangle was long since discarded and my fingers found their way home while my lips never left her skin.

She reached for my shirt. I wanted to stop her- wanted to make this moment about me helping her. Her need was greater. But as I drew my face back and let her pull my shirt off I realized this was the greatest service I could do for her. It was the plea that revived both of our souls that day in the cemetery- we had to not only love each other, but to allow ourselves to be loved by the other as well. Bella needed not only my touch but she needed to offer hers to me.

I took both willingly.

I reverently pressed her slight body back on to the bed beneath me once we were both undressed.

There was some part of my mind screaming that this was wrong. Our brother and sister were gone. Their deaths deserved an honor—a silence to all happiness. Sex seemed like a selfish act, something that was used as a tool to bring pleasure to the participants.

But Erebos' words rung in my ears.

"_Edward, joining one body with another is not about sex, or even love. It is about two beings that are now one. We join because we were never meant to be separate in the first place. We join because our bodies are meant to be together."_

There was no sound but the rapid pull and push of our breaths. Neither of us moaned in pleasure—neither of us spoke encouragements or agreements to how the other moved. We simply joined.

I was once this empty shell—a body that was only half human. As I entered her delicate warmth, my body shuddered to realize that I was finally whole.

We both were.

This was not a selfish act committed to block out the pain of our loved ones' deaths. This was an affirmation of life—of everything that Emmett and Rosalie Swan ever lived for. The joining of two bodies that belonged together. The mating of souls that gave purpose to life and the world around us.

My lips moved in sync with hers.

Our tongues stroked in unison.

And our hips rocked in tandem.

When we released, as a partnership, there were tears running down both of our cheeks. I placed breathless kisses on the corners of her eyes. I would do anything to take away the pain that put those tears on her face.

She clutched her arms around my shoulders. I made to move off of her.

"No," she whispered fiercely. Her legs gripped tighter around my hips and her arms tensed.

I shifted my weight so I wasn't crushing her and I shielded her from everything beyond this—the joining of our lives.

I closed my eyes. I didn't expect to sleep, but I could no longer face this day. I half expected everything to be fine when the sun rose- expected to have Em drag my ass out of bed because I was lying naked on his sister. But just like the truth Bella had to face all those years ago in that hospital room, we had to get up in the morning and deal with reality.

One more scar for both of us to bear.

And we would. Together.

The shit of this world never would go away.

The best we could hope for was something good and pure to hold on to while we faced it.

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**Jake POV (roof of the Roosevelt Hotel, Los Angeles)**

"It was rude for us to just ditch out like that," I teased, taking a hit from the joint and handing it back to Em.

He shrugged as he relaxed back against the air-conditioning unit.

"Fuck em. I can't stand this damn family."

It was probably the pot talking, but Emmett was so fucking sexy when he was high. He just looked so damn free. Relaxed. Happy. I wished he could be like that all of the time.

Be like that with me—downstairs.

I shook my head.

_You're in public, dipshit. _

Definitely the pot talking.

"Still, poor Bella and that hideous dress. Why did your cousin invite her, only to torture her?"

Em shrugged. "Don't know. Don't care."

The smoke blew between his lips slowly and my tongue unconsciously ran along mine.

"I'm thinking..." I paused as I tried to force the rest of the words past my lips, "bout…telling Dad."

The air around us was thick with emotions. I watched him—almost taunting him to tell me no. He just stared at the joint in his hand.

"I just need someone to talk to," I offered. Bella was the only one other than the two of us that knew we were a couple. Everyone else just thought we were still Jake and Em, best buds.

I needed to affirm to someone that this was real—that _I_ was real. This wasn't some phase I was going through.

This was the next step.

"You can talk to me." He spoke so quietly I wasn't sure if he was talking to me or just speaking his thoughts.

I closed the space between us and sat next to him.

This wasn't a conversation for us to have right now. We were both too fucked up to not say things we'd regret.

Shit, everything I said to Em anymore seemed so…processed. I couldn't just talk to him. I was always worried that he'd go back to being the Emmett before. The guy who didn't have an answer for me.

The guy who just wanted to be a normal guy.

I shook my head, again. Em's leg was resting close to mine-close enough that I could feel the heat from his skin warming my calve through my dress pants.

It was distracting to sit this close to him, feeling pretty good from the weed, and not just give in and touch him.

"You come out to your dad and I got to come out to Mom."

I nodded, slowly.

"I don't plan to stay hidden all of my life, dude. I understand if you…"

_What the hell was I saying? My mouth was speaking without my brain thinking. I didn't want to lose Em so soon. I just got him. I wanted him for a while longer before it ended._

"Hold up," Em said putting his hand in the air between us. "I seem to remember a day when you were naked in my bed, your jizz all over my stomach, when I told you this was a done deal."

I sighed, flopping back against the unit.

"You and me being a done deal is different than you wanting to admit to the world that we're a gay couple," I pointed out.

Em swallowed hard. "Fuck," he grumbled.

"It's okay, Emmett. I never really thought this out."

He started laughing—that maniacal oh-shit-dude-smoked-too-much kind of near giggle.

"You okay?" I said, trying not to just laugh along with him because, well, I was pretty fucked up myself.

"You mean to tell me," he said around gasps for air. "That little _there's a right way to color_ Jacob Cullen didn't plan this out?" He kept laughing so hard he was crying.

There was a part of me that bristled at the taunt. I might have had a touch of OCD as a kid. I couldn't help it that because Emmett used to color like a patient in the looney bin I felt the need to play _Crayon Cop_. But that part of me that wanted to take offense to his words was quickly beaten back and I just joined him in laughing—occasionally leaning over and kissing him on the lips.

How sort of easy the future seemed in this moment.

"Talk to your dad, man," he said once our giggles died down and we started to sober up.

"You sure?"

"First, it's your life Jake and I want you to be happy no matter what I have to say about it. And second," he stood up, holding his hand out for me. "I'm not ashamed of you. And starting right now…I'm gonna prove it."

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**EPOV (two weeks after the crash)**

Bella didn't bother trying to sit alone when we shuffled in to the lawyer's office. She sat in my lap, her head burrowed between my neck and shoulder.

Alice and Jazz sat to our left-both looking grief-stricken. Alice rested her head against Jazz's shoulder, her hand on his knee and his arm around her waist.

Esme and Carlisle sat to our right. Both were stoic. Neither cried. They both just looked…lost.

I knew that look.

The woman in my arms had worn that look for years. It was the look of a parent dealing with the loss of their child.

"I encouraged Rosalie to write out a living will before she went through with her procedure," Mr. Jenkins, their legal advisor, explained.

"She told me that they had nothing of value that they worried about passing on but, I advised her to make her peace with the world…to…say whatever she felt she would need to say. She agreed and in turn asked Emmett to do the same."

"It was both of their wishes that you all see this together."

Jenkins pulled out a remote control.

"See it?" I questioned.

Mr. Jenkins nodded and smiled sadly. Bella tried to close every last inch of distance between us, nudging further into my lap. My shirt was almost completely soaked from her silent tears. I couldn't care less.

"Mr. Swan wished for his will to filmed," Jenkins explained as the video loaded.

Against my ability to stop it a chuckle slipped out. I glanced next to me, hoping that Esme and Carlisle could forgive me. I found everyone too wrapped in their own respective torment to even notice.

Bella noticed, though. She peeked up at me. Her green eyes were swollen with grief, but there was a twinkle in them- the one that made my brain turn to shit and my goofy grin come out.

She rolled her eyes and turned in my lap so that she was still in my embrace but facing the television in the corner.

I brought my hands up to Bella's neck. I massaged her shoulders. I caressed her hair. Anything to remind her that she was not alone and I was here to work away the pain.

"Hey dudes, what's up?" the familiar, boisterous voice said from the television. There was a collective intake of breath at the sound from the occupants of the small office.

Bella sat up, anxious to see her big brother again. I never stopped caressing her skin, watching over her shoulder as those familiar hazel eyes looked back at all of us.

"So... bummer, huh? I kind of hope I can save this and scare y'all shitless someday. Jump out of the closet or something."

He laughed and I found it impossible to not at least crack a smile.

I didn't miss Bella turning to the door in the corner, hopeful that he really was just messing with us. I kneaded her shoulders harder. He wasn't going to jump out and yell surprise this time.

"Anyway... Don't really know what to say in this damn thing. I don't think I own anything worth leaving anyone. Bells gets it all, anyway."

Bella's breath hitched and I scooted up to wrap my arms around her. I rocked us back and forth gently.

"Mom, thanks."

He smiled that classic Emmett smile and I looked over to see Esme returning that same smile to her son. Tears unabashedly fell down her cheeks now. I could feel my own eyes growing moist.

"Sis." Bella tensed in my arms. I gripped her tighter. "I'm damn proud of you."

Bella started shaking and I buried my lips against the skin of her neck. I continued to rock us and hold her.

"All of you... thanks and much love."

"You aren't seriously leaving it like that, Emmett."

The voice was so much a part of my life but was shocking to hear. Jacob walked into view of the camera and sat across Em's lap. It was Rose and Em but long before the way we had all come to know them now.

Before the hormones and the hair transplants. Before the operations and the vocal adjustments. Before their wedding... before they started trying to have a family.

It seemed like an entirely different couple sitting there. And yet they were the same two people. I could see Rose in every mannerism that Jake had. The way he rolled his eyes when Em puckered his lips toward his cheek. The way he crossed his ankles and tapped one foot in the air.

There was something to be said about people never being able to hide who they really were. Bella told me once that she believed I had a good heart... watching Rose trapped in the body of Jake I understood how she could see that.

"Yah, baby," Em said, snuggling Jake's neck. "That was all I had to say. That... and that you're my world and I love you more than anything."

Bella couldn't hold back the sobs then. I turned her around in my arms and held on to her for dear life. Just like it had been when we found out they were gone, she was undone with anguish.

We sat in the office for a little while longer. Everyone just trying to not let the pain swallow us whole.

The video had long since ended and Jenkins was going over the technicalities. Luckily, Carlisle was good at handling this crap. Good at disconnecting his mind from his body-I could only imagine what kind of pain he was in right now.

There were no bodies.

We had a small service and placed a joint headstone in the ground but… they were just gone.

I did notice that Carlisle never let go of Esme's hand. She had it resting on his knee and his was wrapped around her fingers tight enough to close off circulation.

"Now, as for the matter of the child…"

Everyone froze.

"Child?" Esme asked.

Jenkins nodded. "Yes, they had just finished the adoption papers on a young boy when they left. He was set to meet them here one week from today."

"Well…where is here now? Does he know…" Carlisle asked.

Jenkins shook his head. "No. It's often a practice for the children to not meet the new parents until everything is final. When things don't pan out…"

"We'll take him."

My eyebrows nearly cleared my hairline as I turned my head to see Alice's determined face.

My brother and his wife had been vocal about their lack of desire to have kids, almost as vocal as Bella and I had been over the years. None of us had childhoods we cared to remember, and none of us intended to thrust that on an innocent kid.

"Al…you sure?" Jazz started to ask. One look from his wife not only shut him up but resolved him to becoming a father in less than seven days.

"What can we do to adopt him?" Jazz asked Jenkins.

"That's noble of you two," Carlisle offered. "But Rose and Em spent years preparing themselves for this commitment. Are you both absolutely certain…?"

"Dad, that boy is a Cullen," Alice said flatly. Carlisle closed his mouth and nodded.

I shook my head at the insanity.

"I'll see what I can do," Jenkins muttered.

Business as usual with the Cullen clan.

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**(a week later)**

"I think Marcus is going to fit in around here," I observed, wrapping my arms around Bella when we were finally back in our bedroom.

We finished moving her stuff in between the funeral and the _welcome to the family_ party for our new nephew.

"He even looks like Em a little, doesn't he?" She smiled up at me and I nodded.

"He certainly did when he helped Jazz change Alice's seating arrangements. I thought she was gonna flip her shit."

Bella laughed.

"But then there was this moment…right before we left, when he was getting ready to say goodbye to Esme and Carlisle. He looked to Alice and Jazz to see if it was okay and they…just looked like his parents." She smiled.

"Yeah, it's probably a good thing he's older. I think Jazz would freak out if he had to change a diaper." I ran my hands down her backside and squeezed her ass. She rolled her eyes.

"Edward, Marcus is six, he's not _older_."

"Still…he's not some newborn baby that's…totally helpless or something."

"Oh, my poor lost darling," she teased, bringing her hands to my face and kissing my lips softly.

"Age doesn't dictate whether we're helpless or not. We're all proof of that."

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**RosePOV (The morning of the crash)**

We stood in the terminal, our plane delayed for maintenance.

Em's arm was slung casually over my shoulder.

It was probably a good thing my husband was so tall—he was the only guy I knew tall enough to make me feel short.

I snuggled against him. There was a chill I couldn't shake that seemed to cling to me ever since we landed in Europe.

It was going to be a cold winter.

I smiled as I thought about how we wouldn't be spending it alone.

We found him. Our little boy. The first of what we hoped would be many children to share our home.

I couldn't wait to get home and get everything ready for his arrival.

Three weeks. We were going to be full-fledged parents in less than a month.

"So…you're sure about this?" I asked for the billionth time.

Em just chuckled. He knew I knew he was more than sure. Neither of us had been surer about anything—except when it came to being with each other.

"Yeah, Rose, love of my life, I'm sure."


	38. Can you imagine us

**Bookends By: Bella's Executioner.**

**Rating: M- this means if you're under 16 you are agreeing to break your own ToS by reading this and I'm not your mother so be responsible for yourself.**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is the sole owner of the world of Twilight. She is Bella's creator. I am Bella's Executioner.**

**A/N: Bookends is the very first fanfiction I started writing. It's been on this site, moved and come back. It has errors, fuck ups and lots of proofs that I'm human but it also has all of my heart and soul in it. I welcome you into this world of pain and love and hope that you enjoy. I also welcome your thoughts as you read—pm me or review and I'll be happy to discuss the story with you.**

**This is a story that spans the lives of these characters- we're now in the year 2017 (sorry that I'm lame with keeping up with reminding us of dates). We haven't jumped suddenly into the future, the story began in the year 2004, it's been 13 years since that first night in Victoria.**

**Ps I was told to put a "keep a change of panties close" warning for this chapter from my Beta. It's a PSA, for your own good. **

**Thanks to my amazing beta who is more than a fixer of my mistakes- she's a great and wonderful friend who I treasure. **

**Chapter 38: Can you imagine us**

**-**-Bookends-**-**

"**Can you imagine us** years from today…" (Old Friends, Paul Simon)

Cause maybe someday  
We'll figure all this out  
We'll put an end to all our doubt  
Try to find a way to just feel better now and  
Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud  
We'll be better off somehow  
Someday  
Cause sometimes we don't really notice  
Just how good it can get  
So maybe we should start all over  
Start all over again

(Someday, Rob Thomas)

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**BPOV (December 2017)**

Nearly six months to the day that I moved into this house with Edward, I stood in the kitchen, picturing our lives decades from now.

It was the weirdest moment in my life.

I'd never had a vision of my future. When I was a kid, I was too busy being weighted down by memories in my past. I never considered what I should do with the years in front of me.

But as I looked out the window, towards the backyard of our property, I could see it.

There was a small lake, not big enough for much but swimming. Between the house and the water sat an expanse of open grass that Edward told me reminded him of the meadow we used to enjoy back before we left Forks. He had ideas for a garden, flowers, and covered patio where we could sit and watch the rain like we did one cold night in Victoria.

And I could see it.

I could see a gray-haired Edward sitting on a bench, facing that water with his arm over my aged shoulders, my white hair pulled back into the bun that my mom wore every day to work.

A sun setting just over the trees that surrounded our home.

I shook my head and sat at the kitchen table.

I was working on a new novel—unfortunately fueled with recent events in my life that kept my brain buzzing with the need to write.

Recent. The event that plagued my mind had happened half a year earlier, but it still felt like yesterday. I didn't think that the ache caused by losing Rose and Em would ever lessen—no matter how much time passed.

So I wrote. It was my number one coping mechanism. I still talked to Alec—mostly over the phone now. And of course there was always Edward and his heart and mind to keep me balanced. But writing had become my way of seeing what I was thinking.

I hadn't devoted much time to writing since Edward came back into my life. In some ways, I'd thought that being a _novelist _peaked with the one and only book I had published.

It was just a collection of stories and thoughts from some of the most troubled years of my life. Seeing it on the shelf at the bookstore in Port Angeles made me feel accomplished.

But I never considered the idea that anyone would actually read it.

Mom had wanted a copy but I never believed she read it. Jazz read it and proceeded to discuss it with me. Em and Rose had a copy on their bookshelf but neither of them had read it. And frankly… I didn't care if anyone else in the world had even looked at it.

It never occurred to me to want to know if it was a best seller or how well it sold in the few bookstores that picked it up.

Then… I found Edward's copy.

I'd never asked him if he read it before. I assumed he knew about it…since I assumed the money that I needed to publish it had come from him. But once he was back in my life the purpose of the book was less…pressing. It was like my version of that painting he gave to Kate. It was a different me and a different time in my life.

It helped me grow and now I was ready to live.

But he did have a copy.

He kept it in his nightstand. I found it cleaning one weekend…just shortly after…the crash. The pages were worn—dog-eared in some areas to the point that the words were faded from the page. There was duct tape holding the spine together and he'd made notes in the margins.

He hadn't just read it, he'd experienced it.

When Edward got home that night I showed it to him and he just smiled.

That was the night I started writing again. I pulled out my laptop and let my mind just flow from my fingertips. It was like opening a floodgate of emotions—so many thoughts and words that at the end of each day my mind ached from the effort of sorting them all out and getting them on to paper.

I was writing a story about my brother and the woman who was his world. A couple that were destined to be together no matter what obstacles were before them. Who were intrepid in the world of love.

Two people who weren't afraid to live life.

I took a deep breath and finished the thought that I'd had before I was caught daydreaming of the old couple in the backyard again.

"Morning, baby," a sleepy voice murmured.

A mess of bronze hair lowered to my face and my lips touched his softly seconds later.

"Morning, lover."

I smiled as the light dusting of stubble on his cheek tickled my own.

_God, time flew by so fast. _I remembered the first time I met Edward. And now he had to shave every morning_. _

_Weird._

"Did you enjoy your night out with Jazz?" I asked as he poured himself a cop of coffee and joined me at the table.

He smirked, that damn oh-it's-a-good-thing-Alice-had-you-occupied-last-night smirk.

"Yes. It was nice to see the gang again."

His voice was gravely like he'd been yelling all night. I laughed at the thought—he probably had been yelling, howling at the moon if I knew that group.

"Proper send-off?" I inquired quietly. The group had been a tight circle of friends when we were growing up. Emmett and Jacob had been a part of the gang from the formation of the group. This weekend was the first time they all could be in town together since the plane crash.

He nodded and sipped his coffee. I felt his hand on my thigh in silent support. How easily he read me—and how quickly his touch calmed me.

He knew better than anyone that I still had a hard time dealing with what happened.

Alec reminded me that the crash was a trauma to my body no less intense as the loss of my child. He reminded me that losing people I loved was like having surgery on my skin. The wound would need time to heal. I would have to train my body to go back to feeling normal. And in the end, there would be residual affects from the cuts that would forever be with me.

Reminders.

There were still some nights that I found myself waking up in tears for no real reason.

There was a reason—I missed my brother. I needed him here. He would be happy to see me finally content with life. I wanted to share my stable life that Edward and I had built with Em and see the pride in his eyes.

He was more than my big brother. He was like a father to me too.

Someone might think it ironic that I lost two fathers in the same year. It didn't bother me all that much to lose Charlie. It frustrated me to know that what I needed from him would never be realized since he was gone. In some twisted way I missed the pain… the sharp slap of hurt that I would feel to see his face in person. Or even the pulse of anger that I used to get to hear his voice. But I never knew him. I couldn't miss the man, because I didn't know who or what it was I'd lost.

But I missed my brother.

Missed the way he made me feel safe just knowing he was in the room. Missed snuggling under his covers when I had a nightmare. Missed his smile.

And most of all I missed his laugh.

I cleared my throat before I let my mind wander down an all-too-easy path of pain. I couldn't bring him back. All I could do was keep him alive in my memories.

I attempted to lighten the mood.

"How's Paul?" I asked sarcastically.

Edward growled into his coffee cup. "Still alive," he grumbled.

I knew it was my fault for what happened that night—I was the idiot who took the drugs. But I couldn't help but feel a small satisfaction from finding out that Paul was serving a life sentence in prison. He visited the reunion via satellite phone call.

Edward changed the subject.

"Did you get any writing done?"

His eyes were still slightly droopy from sleep. His hair was tousled from the three-a.m.-sex-wake-up call that he had greeted me with when he finally got home. And he wasn't wearing a shirt.

I pouted. I hadn't finished any writing today and in about five point three seconds I was going to pounce on my boyfriend and end all thought of writing for the rest of the day… maybe even the rest of the weekend.

"Eh…it can wait," I remarked flippantly.

He smiled. "So, what do you want to do today?"

I sighed. "You."

He smiled grew wider. "Hmm, I like the sound of that."

He leaned over the table and planted a hard kiss on my lips.

"You know," he started in a husky whisper, "we've never properly broken in the kitchen."

I blushed and returned his possessive kiss.

That was Edward's thing—making the house ours. I'd be standing next to the closet at the entry way and suddenly we'd be inside the tiny space, making out. Once his lips pulled back from mine he'd say, "Just breaking it in, babe".

I couldn't remember a time in my life when I had been happier or felt more loved than these past six months with Edward.

I was rather surprised to realize we hadn't _broken in_ the kitchen yet.

"Maybe that's because we're always too busy eating in here," I teased.

Edward's eyes grew wicked as he continued to lean closer to me. He moved his lips to my neck, licking and biting the skin just below my ear, making me shiver with anticipation.

"Was that an invitation?" he whispered against my skin.

My eyes rolled back in my head and I whimpered. The man was pure sex when he wanted to be.

"What delicacy did you have in mind?" I asked seductively.

"Hmm," he hummed along the column of my throat. "I wouldn't mind sampling a taste of pure Bella."

I melted in the chair at his words. When it came to Edward, I would gladly be an all-he-could-eat-buffet.

I blushed at the thought.

Edward told me once that I held my own with him when it came to sex. That I gave as good, if not better, than I received.

When he was this close to me, touching me with those skilled fingers of his, I just felt helpless.

I was totally his—an instrument for him to play, like his baby grand piano that sat in our family room.

"Well I think you're in luck," I assured him. "There's plenty of Bella to go around."

He stood, smirking at my lame excuse for verbal foreplay. He didn't waste time with waiting for me to stand—he just wrapped his arms around me and lifted me in the air. I squeaked and wrapped my legs around him as he walked us over to the counters near the sink.

I landed on the counter with a soft thud.

We'd remodeled the kitchen a month after moving in. It was one of those things that Alec had suggested we do-take on a project together that helped us build trust and feel ownership of our home.

_Thank God he talked me into higher set cabinets. _

I'd argued that I would be to short to reach anything in them. He promised me that in the long run it would be best to have the higher clearance for the counter space.

Now I finally understood his nefarious plot.

I'd be banging the back of my head on the bottom of the cupboards at the moment if I had won that argument.

"Now," he said, putting his hands on the ledge on either side of my legs. He leaned over so that our eyes were level.

"The problem with eating Bella," he explained.

I giggled and he winked.

"Is that you're always hungry for her again in an hour." He pouted.

"Well, there's always appetizers to start off the meal," I offered, pulling off my shirt-it was actually his shirt. I was never a girl for nightgowns. I just slept naked with one of Edward's shirts over me when I thought to put something on at all.

Since I'd only been out of bed for an hour, the shirt was all I had been wearing.

I sat on the counter completely naked-literally an open buffet for his feasting.

His eyes roamed my body hungrily.

I smirked-maybe I was good at holding my own with him.

"Oh," he grunted. "I do like a good starter to my meal. Hmm…" He leaned down and captured my right nipple between his lips.

He sucked, bit, and licked me into a frenzy-stopping only long enough to trade to the other side of my chest and do the same.

I felt his finger slip between my thighs. I moaned and opened myself to him hungrily. I could feel myself leaking at his touch.

_I'm going to have to find industrial strength sanitizer for these counters. It's take out Chinese or microwave meals for us till then._

"Hmm," he said, pulling his finger out and bringing it to his lips. He sucked his middle finger into his mouth, tasting the evidence of my arousal on his tongue.

He growled. "Looks like dinner is served."

I pretty sure I could live a hundred years and never get tired of Edward touching me. There were days I wanted to go back in time and smack my younger self over the head for denying us this pleasure for so long.

But I wouldn't be the me I was now if I did that. And the me I was now was what the Edward before me craved.

"So fucking delicious," he whispered, running his finger from the center of my chest, down my body and back to my aching center.

His eyes followed the path of his finger and I was lost in a trance watching him devour me with those eyes.

I gasped when his hands grabbed my knees and lifted my legs farther apart. He pushed my legs back till my heels were resting on the ledge of the counter.

_And again, thank you Edward for suggesting deep counters. _

I rested back on my elbows against the cool marble.

"Now, be a good girl and stay still while I eat," he commanded, winking at me.

He took a minute to step back and look at me. I could feel myself blush all over my body as he gazed at me. I must have been a sight. Spread eagle, perched on our kitchen counter like I was the turkey for Thanksgiving dinner.

Edward looked like a lion ready to pounce on an unsuspecting zebra.

He licked his lips.

I broke out in a sweat. My heart thudded in my chest so hard I felt like I was the zebra running from his attack.

He lowered his head-right there. No wasted time in making sure I was ready for him. No "here I come"…though that wasn't far off for me at that moment.

I moaned the second I felt his tongue.

No. This would never get old. I would never get enough of this beautiful, amazing creature who loved me so much.

I watched Edward's head between my legs for a long while, letting the sensations wash over me and remind me how wanted I truly was.

He knew me.

He knew what every little hitch of my breath meant. He knew the exact combination of stroke and suck to turn me into a moaning mess in his hands.

He never forgot what I liked, what he liked to do to me, or what we could do together.

I yelled his name as I felt the pressure building inside of me burst. He moved his arms around me, propping me up to a sitting position as he removed his boxers.

I was twitching slightly as I came down. I could feel him wind my legs back around his waist.

In one quick motion he slid me off the counter and thrust inside me.

I cried out , feeling myself clench around his length as a second orgasm rocked through me. It was really his fault-he teased me too thoroughly.

I'm not entirely certain he had thought this next move out. Being horny fucked with your deductive reasoning to begin with, though.

There was nothing behind me but air and Edward was standing in the middle of the kitchen when he decided he needed to thrust.

For as strong as my love was, gravity was always going to win.

We landed on the ground, Edward under me.

I heard him grunt as I landed on him-his erection still buried in me and suddenly impaling me slightly.

I moaned as he hit a new, deeper spot inside of me.

"Are you okay?" I asked as I realized he was rubbing his head.

He laughed lightly. "Not my most graceful move…I'm fine."

I leaned down and kissed his lips, then his forehead.

"I prefer you not to be good at everything, babe," I told him. "I wouldn't be able to stand you if you were perfect at everything."

He laughed again.

"Totally human, that's me."

I nodded.

"How bout I give you some dessert?" I asked.

He put his hands behind his head to prop it up to watch. He smiled.

"I love dessert."

"Hmm," I said, bringing my head down to his chest.

"Just to make sure you still have room after that large meal you just ate."

He winked at me and ran that wicked tongue of his along his bottom lip.

I flicked my tongue over his left nipple.

He groaned and I felt him pulse within me.

"Oh," I said mimicking his teasing of my chest earlier, "there's a second one here…" I leaned down to bite his right nipple gently.

His hips rocked up, his hands moving quickly to my hips.

"Ice cream's melting, babe," he choked out with labored breaths.

I smiled.

"Can't have that."

I sat back on my heels, loving how much sharper and deeper he was at this angle.

He watched me, his hands staying locked on my hips to help stabilize me as I rode him. His eyes were like a second pair of hands on my skin.

I moved my hands along my body by the silent commands of those eyes.

Raw passion burned in their depths as I teased my body to his liking.

In no time we were both writhing, moaning creatures. I screamed his name as I released and felt him following closely behind me. He moaned my name and collapsed against the tile floor.

We were sweat and tangled limbs, pants of breath and tingles of pleasure.

Bliss.

We lay there for a few minutes, catching our breaths. He rolled us over so that I was resting under him. He nuzzled his nose against my neck. I ran my fingers through his hair.

My brain wouldn't shut off from the thoughts that I'd been having before Edward joined me in the kitchen. I pictured us decades from now sitting in this room and sharing in the memory we'd just made.

I didn't think I'd be able to dice tomatoes on that counter again without picturing his beautiful head between my legs.

I shivered-that memory was still fresh enough to make my whole body tingle.

I continued to pet his hair and walk down an eventual memory lane.

"You know…it's not fair," I teased.

Edward raised his head to look me in the eyes. "What's that, love?"

I kissed his lips softly before finishing. I would never take for granted the opportunities that I had to show him I loved him.

"I'm not a Cullen," I pointed out.

His eyebrows lowered as a frown formed on his lips. "I'm technically a Masen, dear."

"No, you were adopted, and anyway you are related by blood to Carlisle so you're an honorary Cullen by birth. But…Em and Rose were the last Swans other than me. Mom changed her name when she married Carlisle. Alice and Jazz go by Cullen… I'm feeling a little left out here," I mock-pouted.

Edward's mind was spinning behind his eyes…I could almost hear the wheels turning in his head.

"What are you saying, Bella?"

He looked so…terrified. We both knew what I was talking about.

Marriage. Man and wife and rings and vows and joint bank accounts. Me taking his last name and him carrying me across the threshold of our home.

Though we never talked about the 'M-word' that much I always believed we would get married.

I understood the fear in Edward's eyes. I could only imagine he had a plan for proposing marriage to me and naked on the kitchen floor was not part of it… well, it might have been a part of the after part of it.

Always such a romantic, that boy.

It was mean of me to catch him off guard like that. I tried to make up for it with a half-joke.

"I'm saying I think I should finally make an honest man out of you."

He swallowed.

_Great. My joking was only making this worse._

I sighed, feeling stupid and a little confused with how he was reacting. I made a move to get up, though it was impossible to move with him sprawled out on top of me.

"Marry me?" he said quietly.

I shot my eyes to his face-a more nervous and nearly scared to death Edward I had never seen. His eyes were solid with fear. His body was tense for a rejection.

Somehow that little two word question, thrown out like an afterthought rather than an intended proposal was a thousand times more romantic than some big staged proposal with a ring hidden in a fortune cookie, or something like that.

"Yes?" I replied with a mirror of his expression on my face.

_We were such a perfect pair._

"Really," he whispered. He relaxed on top of me, amazement spreading across his handsome face.

I laughed out loud. "Of course I'll marry you, Edward Anthony Masen Cullen."

I put my hand against his cheek. "This is where I belong," I promised.

His smile was dazzling. "I fucking love you, woman."

I sighed to cover up the sudden wave of panic that swept through me. I had feared being Edward's one true love for most of my life. It was an awesome responsibility to know that someone counted on you so fully. I feared breaking his heart. I was worried I would ruin this life we had together and hurt him.

Then I reminded myself that I'd done that already. I put Edward through hell and we spent years apart because of things I'd done and said.

And we were sitting here today, together.

There was nothing we couldn't face together.

He was going to give me his heart, his whole heart, and I would honor and protect that with all of mine.

"I love you too."

**-**-Bookends-**-**

Christmas

"You ever regret it?" I asked, handing Mom the ugliest ornament in the box. It was one of those third grade school projects. The one where your teacher gives you a picture and a Christmas tree cut out and you make a "frame" and decorate it for the tree. This particular tree was colored fifteen different colors and had splotches of glitter glued all over it. It held a picture of our family at the time.

Mom, Em, me and Charlie.

Mom smiled at the god-awful thing in her hand—her eyes lit up like it was a beautiful, priceless diamond.

"I can never regret marrying your father, Bella. He gave me you."

She put her hand against my cheek and hung the ornament front and center on the tree.

"Damn, I sucked at coloring," I tried to tease.

Mom laughed. "I'm not going to say you were Picasso, baby, but that one is your brother's work."

I tried to ignore the lump in my throat at the thought of Em. He loved Christmas. Being the eternal kid that he was, it was the perfect holiday for him.

"How can you tell?" I asked, shifting through some broken ornaments and pulling out an ornament of a flamingo dressed like Santa.

"Let's just say your brother had a way with crayons."

She winked and I raised an eyebrow at the gaudy flamingo.

"I was never one for themed trees," Mom admitted. "Some people pick a color and only buy boring ornaments in that color and make their Christmas tree look like a magazine cover. That's just never suited me. My tree is memories."

She reached for the unconventional flamingo.

"I got this ornament while on a trip to Vegas with your grandmother. It was the dead of summer when we went there…for some show that she had been dying to see. I don't even remember who we saw," she said, shaking her head. "But she saw this and said it reminded her of me."

I snorted. "Grandma was one interesting gal," I joked.

Mom's eyes got all misty like they did when she looked at Em's craft project.

"Yeah…well… I was never one for a boring old themed Christmas tree," she said again.

I nodded.

"I'm not sure how festive Edward and I will be at our house this year. I haven't been…in the spirit."

Mom smiled back at me and started hanging tinsel on the branches of the tree.

"The trick to Christmas, sweetie, is to remind yourself of all that you have and all that you have been able to treasure in your life."

"There's been a lot of shit in my life, Mom," I said quietly. I started to mirror her movements and put tinsel on the back side of the tree.

"Shit is life, baby," she explained, putting her arm over my shoulder and hugging me gently. "Anyone saying anything different is high on PCP and looking to spend the next ten to twenty in lock up."

I rolled my eyes.

"You have got to be kidding me!" Alice's voice was yelling from the kitchen.

"What?" Edward shouted back. I sighed and headed to the room to help prevent a _yuletide homicide_.

"What's up?" I asked when I reached the kitchen.

Edward was leaning against the counter with an apple in his hand. He was smirking- which meant he was getting into trouble.

Alice's cheeks were flushed and she looked ready to cut him down to her size.

"Hello, baby," Edward greeted me as if Alice wasn't even in the room. I kept distance between us to save his life and turned to my best friend.

"What did he do?" I asked, resigned to the fact that he probably did something wrong…or at least something to push Alice's buttons.

"This idiot," Alice spat waving her arm at the love of my life, "was stupid enough to take my son out on one of those death machines."

I looked from Edward to Alice and tried to figure out where we were keeping Mad Max style cars.

Edward sighed dramatically. "Alice, all of us kids rode those bikes growing up. Hell, Dad made them!"

_Oh, she was talking about the motorcycles. _

I couldn't help but smile whenever Edward called Carlisle 'Dad'. Most of the time he preferred to think of him as his uncle. I could never decide if that was a result of him wanting to pay respects to his father, Ed Masen, in some twisted way or if it was because he still felt ashamed in some way that Carlisle had saved his life.

But there were those rare occasions that he would slip and call him 'Dad' as if he'd always thought of him as his father.

"Don't you smile at that man and agree with him!" Alice yelled, turning her assault on me.

"I…I….oh come on, Alice. He has a point."

Edward chuckled and opened his arms to me. Against my better judgment I walked over and wrapped my arms around him.

If we were going to be offed by Alice at least holding each other was a good way to meet that fate.

"Isabella Marie Swan, I finally decided to become a parent. I will not put my child's life in danger."

She didn't mean it the way it hit me. I couldn't blame her and call her insensitive for saying it. She was a mother now and she had every right to protect her child.

But there was a double meaning to her words that stole all the air from my lungs.

I _had_ risked the life of my child. I had not only risked my child's life…I ended it.

I felt faint, my legs ready to buckle. All these years, all the ways that I had overcome this self-loathing and it was still just as fresh as before.

Thank God Edward was holding me up or else I would have dropped then and there.

No one noticed. Alice was still fuming. And Mom was just shaking her head and being a mother who knew better than to get worked up over something as stupid as riding those bikes.

Edward noticed.

His arms secured me in place. His lips were on my skin. He was whispering reassurances that everything was going to be okay and he loved me.

And as if I didn't already adore the man more than anything else in this world, he changed the subject and saved me from myself yet again.

"Speaking of that," he said. "That…Isabella Swan business," he clarified.

"She's not gonna be much longer."

Alice gasped. Mom slammed the cupboard above the sink a little too hard in shock.

"Did you just mean what I think you meant?" Alice asked with wide eyes.

I smiled.

"Yeah, I proposed and he accepted."

Mom walked over to congratulate us, hugging us as one since Edward refused to release his hold on me.

"That's my girl," she said.

We were congratulated and answered questions about the how's and when's…well, excluding the kitchen sex and naked part of the proposal.

"So, what are you all doing in six days?" Edward asked once everyone was seated around the dinner table.

"Six days!" Alice nearly screamed. "You're only giving me six days to get this all arranged?"

I rolled my eyes and Edward just shook his head with a coy grin.

"There's nothing to arrange Alice. We've worked it all out, we just need you all to show up."

Alice snapped her mouth shut like I just slapped her.

"Hey, squirt," Edward said to get her attention. "This is our wedding, okay?"

Alice conceded and nodded. "Yeah…okay."

She pouted through the rest of dinner, but once we were all back in the living room opening presents, her grump-fest was ended.

Marcus had never had an official Christmas celebration before. He was so full of excitement and joy that we were all able to just be happy that night.

Em and Rose were missed but we all didn't let their passing keep us from living.

Marcus lit up opening his gifts and it was like I was looking at my brother sitting in front of me.

It was a good day.

**-**-Bookends-**-**

I stepped out the shower and dried off.

The memories of the day still making me smile. I needed the shower to help me relax though.

Ever since Edward and I agreed on the date, I'd been on edge. First it was nerves over telling Mom and Carlisle, seeing how they would react to the news. Then I was worried about telling Alice; she actually handled it a million times better than I had expected.

Now… I was restless.

I wanted the big day to be over so I could just start being Edward's wife.

I smiled, slipping on my robe and heading to our bedroom.

"Bella," Edward yelled from downstairs. "Can you bring me the stuff on the desk, please?"

"Sure," I yelled back. I turned to the desk, noticing a small package sitting on it.

Edward and I had agreed to wait to give each other gifts until Christmas morning.

I looked at the clock, midnight. I smiled.

_Typical Edward._

I walked over my breath catching as I saw what was actually sitting on the table.

There was a postcard, just like all the postcards that I had treasured throughout my life. The picture was of me, wearing a gorgeous heirloom ring. The color of the stone matched my eyes.

On top of the postcard sat a ring box-nestled inside the black velvet fold of the box was the ring that the _me_ in the postcard was wearing.

The air in the room was full of electric bliss. Edward had entered the bedroom silently, but I knew he was there.

I felt his arms wind around me from behind. His lips were at my left ear, whispering.

"Be my partner in this whole living thing?" he asked.

"Yes," I promised.

He kissed my shoulder and leaned forward to remove the ring from the box. I could've burst into flames at the depth of emotion in his eyes as he held my gaze and slipped the ring on my finger.

"You make me happy, Isabella Swan."

I smiled. "You make me feel wanted, Edward Cullen."

He kissed my lips. Then he lifted my ring-swaddled finger to his lips and kissed my new ring-the symbol of me belonging to him, and only him.

"I had another ring for you. Bought it long before I really was ready to marry you. But this one…" He ran his thumb over the green jewel.

"When I found this one, I just couldn't get the image of you wearing it out of my head."

I kissed his hand on his tragically naked ring finger.

"I really can't wait to see a matching one here," I whispered.

He smirked. "You're gonna buy me a bling ring, baby?"

I laughed and playfully smacked his arm. "You know what I meant."

He nodded, stepping forward and claiming my lips.

"Soon," he promised.


	39. Words that must be said

**Bookends By: Bella's Executioner.**

**Rating: M- this means if you're under 16 you are agreeing to break your own ToS by reading this and I'm not your mother so be responsible for yourself.**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is the sole owner of the world of Twilight. She is Bella's creator. I am Bella's Executioner.**

**A/N: Bookends is the very first fanfiction I started writing. It's been on this site, moved and come back. It has errors, fuck ups and lots of proofs that I'm human but it also has all of my heart and soul in it. I welcome you into this world of pain and love and hope that you enjoy. I also welcome your thoughts as you read—pm me or review and I'll be happy to discuss the story with you.**

**Thanks as always to my amazing beta- TwilightMomofTwo**

**Chapter 39: Words that must be said.**

**-**-Bookends-**-**

"Yes, we speak of things that matter, With** words that must be said**." (The Dangling Conversation, Paul Simon)

I took my love and I took it down  
I climbed a mountain and I turned around  
And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills  
'Til the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky  
What is love?  
Can the child within my heart rise above?  
Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides?  
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Mmm Mmm... I don't know... Mmm Mmm... Mmm Mmm...

Well, I've been afraid of changing  
'Cause I've built my life around you  
But time makes you bolder  
Children get older  
I'm getting older, too

(Landslide, Fleetwood Mac)

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**EPOV (bachelor party December 29****th****, 2017)**

"I think she likes you!" Jazz shouted at me as the blond started to wiggle on stage.

I rolled my eyes and slammed another shot.

It was bad enough that it was only Carlisle and Jazz throwing me a bachelor party…well Kate and MJ tagged along… but where they chose to take me was fucking ridiculous.

"I think _he,_" I stressed the pronoun, "is just looking for another five in his g-string."

Jazz laughed and ordered another round for me. He was refraining from drinking since he was driving tonight. Carlisle made friendly with the bartender. And Kate jumped up on stage to get down and dirty with said ambiguous stripper.

I was going to need therapy for this shit.

"A drag club?" I glared at my idiot baby brother.

"Oh come on. You know if Em and Rose were here that they'd insist we visit this place."

I shook my head, nursing too much more alcohol, and turned to my adopted father.

"So you're working on your masters degree?" he asked the bartender—who was one of the few actual women in the place.

She smiled. "Yes, sir. I had a few rough starts as a kid, but I'm doing alright for myself now."

"Excuse me," I said, leaning over to interrupt their conversation, and asked for the bottle instead of wasting time with shots.

She glared at me. Something about her was familiar.

"Have we met before?... Lisa, right?" I asked, swaying a little on my feet. I gripped the bar for support, blinking to keep her in focus.

_Fucking lightweight, Cullen._

She sighed and handed me the bottle without me asking for it.

"I'll let that one pass since you're obviously wasted…and since you're too cute to be mad at," she told me.

"Yeah, we've met before. You're Steve, right? The guy that Kate brought to my bar in Seattle. The one who kept asking me where Bella was."

"Edward," I mumbled.

I tried to remember what she was talking about. It was fuzzy but I did recall sitting at a bar wondering where Bella was. I woke up with a tattoo the next morning.

"And the name's _Tracy_," she clarified.

She smiled at Carlisle and turned to help other patrons.

I frowned.

"I don't think she likes me," I shouted at Carlisle over the all too predictable number of _It's raining men._

He laughed and slapped my shoulder. "Nah, that's exactly how women treat you when they desperately want you, Edward. I swear."

I scowled as he teased me.

I didn't even fucking want to be here. I didn't need a bachelor party. I just needed Bella.

From the second we walked into this club I wanted to go home.

I hated wasting time away from my girl.

And the longer I spent in a club full of cross-dressing men, the more I started to fear the inevitable proposition. Try as I might, my intoxicated brain couldn't bleach out the image of a dude on his knees sucking my cock. It wasn't even something I'd ever, for any small amount of time, considered. But here I was…in the land of no men, fighting the urge to bolt for the door…and the continued kisses being blown my way from various performers on stage was not helping to ease that anxiety at all, either.

Jazz, designated driver extraordinaire, was talking to Kate's partner, MJ, about the merits of body piercing for strippers.

"Nipple rings are asking for a bloody tit during a cat fight," MJ was explaining to him.

I spotted an empty chair near the stage and staggered over to plop my ass down.

Everything was spinning slightly.

"Oh…Jesus fuck," Carlisle murmured, coming to sit next to me.

"Troubles, old man?" I yelled.

He rolled his eyes and glared at me.

"Yes. I just caught sight of my…_fans_," he spat.

For the first time in my entire life, I saw Carlisle Cullen blush.

I was too drunk to give a fuck so I just laughed my ass off.

"Fans? Did you join a boy band I didn't know about?"

He sighed. "No. I have women…"

"You _have_ women?" I echoed.

He sighed again. "There are these women who work with me who…. sort of throw themselves at me."

He blushed again-pink cheeks and forehead.

I couldn't help it. I laughed hard enough to nearly puke.

Carlisle was a good-looking motherfucker. Even I thought he was a handsome. There wasn't a woman alive who wouldn't at least flirt with him if they had the opportunity.

"Shut up," he grumbled.

That was when the stalker twins found us.

"Oh shit," he whispered just as the profusion of tits and ass came flying over to our table.

"Dr. Cullen! It _is _you!" one of them yelled. She was wearing a skin-tight leopard print dress. The neckline was cut low enough to flash the goods.

And good they were.

_I fucking loved tits._

I shook my head.

_Bella's were better. Bella's were the best. _

The other one squeaked with her excitement over finding the good doctor. She was wearing a pair of bright red leather pants.

_Fuck me. How the hell did she breathe in those things?_

She bent over in front of me and her leopard print thong winked at me.

_Leopard must be in season…wonder if that makes them wild cats…wild kitties? Untamed pussies?_

I laughed.

Two pairs of hungry female eyes were instantly on me.

"Oh…is this your son that's getting married?" Leopard dress lady asked.

I sobered up a little at the way both of them looked at me…like I was something tasty to eat.

"Edward," Carlisle said. "Meet Annie…" Leopard dress waved.

"And Tami…" Leather girl winked.

I lifted my hand for a simple wave. "Sup."

They both giggled like I'd said something funny.

I looked around for more alcohol.

I hated the very smell of the shit when I raised it to my lips. But the more I thought about tomorrow, the more I needed to not think about tomorrow. I took another drink and amused myself with more _As my uncle's world turns. _

"So…what brings you ladies to Port Angeles…and…this…_fine _establishment tonight?" Carlisle asked politely.

The dude was so smooth. He was probably just as drunk as I was but you'd never notice it.

The one he called Tami spoke first.

"Just enjoying a Friday night out and about. We happened to overhear you talking about this place last week…Wanted to stop by and let you know that everything is ready for your trip this week…no medical emergencies as of late."

I rolled my eyes. She was a nurse?

Leave it to Carlisle to have a fucking _Grey's Anatomy _melodrama of a life.

I hoped like hell that my drunk-ass brain stored this information for later. I'd bet Esme would love to hear about the gals Carlisle worked with.

"And I made sure to check with Skycap…everything is a go for the flight tomorrow. You're still certain you won't need an attendant?"

I slapped my hand over my mouth before I shouted out what I was thinking.

A flight attendant.

A goddamn flight attendant and a nurse. Tami and Annie… _T n' A_?

_What the fuck was this…General Hospital?_

I sat back and grinned as I watched the soap opera of my uncle's life.

"Thank you, ladies," he said, nodding his head in appreciation. They both blushed and giggled at the sight of his smile.

"It was no problem at all, Dr. Cullen," one of them said.

"Anything for you," the other chimed in.

I'd just brought the bottle to my lips when they said it. I snorted and started coughing to keep from choking on my drink.

Carlisle took advantage of the situation.

"Edward," he yelled, slamming me on the back with his hand. I growled as he continued to hit me. "Need to be more careful, kiddo. Ladies, if you'll excuse us…I really need to see to my son."

He helped me up from my chair as if I had asked for him to, and started to move me back towards the bar.

Both chicks offered flirty goodbyes to us… I was pretty damn sure they both pinched my ass as they walked past us, too.

_Fucking wildcats for sure and not shameful about it one bit. _

Once we were back at the bar, Carlisle started mumbling under his breath about close calls and a need to retire.

Jazz looked over to make sure we were okay and directed my attention the stage with a tilt of his head.

My mind went blank when the dude dressed like Tina Turner puckered his lips and shouted.

"Congratulations to the groom-to-be!"

Against my best efforts to not picture it, I was right back to the scary image of a dude on his knees in front of me.

I shook my head hard.

_Fucking drag strip clubs and dumbass family members_…_and booze. Fucking booze making my mind go there._

The waitress, also actually a woman just like the bartender, squeezed between the two of us at the bar. That's how I figured out she was authentic. She was close enough that her boob was smashed against my elbow.

I was too drunk to give a fuck to not be an asshole and didn't move my arm.

_I liked boobs. _I nodded to my thought with a drunken head bob.

_Boobs were fucking fantastic._

_Bella had the best tits._

"Excuse me," she said shyly and blushed as she tried to get the bartender's attention.

"So what are you doing with your life?" I slurred in her general direction.

I think at the moment my intoxicated brain thought I was being a gentleman, like Carlisle, and treating her like a person rather than a waitress at a strip club.

In hind sight it probably sounded prickish.

She smiled just the same and shook her head. "I'm just a simple girl with a job. Do I need to do something special with my life?"

I blinked a few times to bring her face back into focus.

_Fucking alcohol and stupid relatives. _

"Thank you for being normal," I told her truthfully… I might have sprayed it rather than said it…she didn't seem to mind.

"Name's Edward," I slurred towards the brunette blob that she was quickly becoming in my altered vision.

I think she smiled again and filled her tray with the mixed drinks on the bar.

"Suzy," she said, softly exchanging a nervous glance between my adopted dad and me.

"My, they make them good-looking in your family," she threw at us as she backed away into the crowded club.

Carlisle laughed.

I felt like I was gonna barf.

"Having too much fun, Son?"

I shook my head. I hated bars. Hated the loud obnoxious music that was pumped into these places.

Mostly I was just missing Bella.

And I was most definitely gonna barf.

"Can we go?" I shouted at the two idiots who dragged me here.

Kate and MJ could handle their own. Kate was standing on the stage singing _Lady Gaga_ with the Cher impersonator. I waved at her to say goodnight and stumbled towards the door.

Once I was in the backseat, I closed my eyes and relished the fact that I couldn't think about a damn thing for more than a minute. Every now and then the fear that had pushed me to get drunk crept back but either the world would spin or my stomach would clench and I forgot completely about whatever it was that I was worried about.

_Hope Bella was having a fun night._

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**BPOV**

Alice had to be kidding me.

Jell-o shots and a movie marathon at home was my bachelorette party?

_Really?_

"Bella, you hate bars. You don't like going to the movies because rude people talk through the whole show and you would die of embarrassment if I took you to a strip club."

I shrugged. She had a point…but still.

"No even a stripper who could come to the house?" I asked. It just seemed…lacking in excitement, to say the least.

Alice grimaced. "Trust me, Bella, you do not want to know who is the local stripper in Forks."

Well, that wasn't true. Now that she mentioned it, I really wanted to know.

"You remember Tyler?" she threw out there.

I shuddered. I remembered Tyler-went to school from Kindergarten to Senior year with him.

I dropped the stripper idea immediately.

I tried to think of places where we could go. Mom told me once about cliff diving at La Push. I thought it sounded like that stupidest recreation in the world…but…

"Well…what's going on at the Res'? I haven't been to First Beach in a long time. Maybe we could just hang out there?"

No need to jump off cliffs but the beach was nice and quiet.

"Bella…it's December. You really wanna go swimming?" Alice shivered at the idea.

"No. We don't have to go into the water…let's just hang out. I never got to be a normal teenager, Al….neither of us did. Let's be kids for just one night. Get drunk on the beach and reconnect with nature or something."

I really didn't have too many friends outside of my family and Alice. The "party" was just going to be the two of us.

Mom was banned from joining in.

It just wasn't the same for me if she tagged along. She took me out to brunch last weekend to celebrate and that was nice, but I couldn't just relax with mom around on a night like this.

Edward was lucky that he was a guy…and that Carlisle was so laid back. I had no doubt that Mom would be seeking to lock me up by the end of the night. Besides, she was on baby sitting duty with Marcus tonight.

"Okay," Alice conceded. "It is your party."

I grinned and headed out to the Volvo with her. We walked past Rose's truck on the way.

Alice frowned at the vehicle as we shut our doors and I started the car.

"Dad said I could have the truck. I don't really want it, but…"

"You can't let it go either?" I finished.

She nodded.

"Yeah, Mom gave me the deed to the house. I can't imagine anyone else living in it."

Alice cleared her throat and looked at the window as I hit the main road. It was only a fifteen minute drive down to First Beach.

"I…uh…was actually hoping to talk to you about that," she said.

I watched the dark road ahead of us and said nothing, waiting for her to continue. Alice and Jazz had gone back and forth over living in Forks versus Seattle ever since they were married.

I was actually surprised that she decided to move to Seattle after they adopted Marcus. I knew she would make a decision for them to live together full-time so that Jazz didn't have to commute but I never thought she would chose the city over Forks.

"Jazz closed his practice in Seattle," she confirmed.

I figured that was going to happen soon. He had evaded questions about how business was going the entire time I spoke to him this evening.

"I know we said we'd try to make living there work. And you know how much I hated the idea of big city living with a six year old….but these past few months we've really missed Forks. We've come to an agreement that we're going to move back."

I smiled.

"There's no one I would want living in that house more than you guys, Alice," I offered without prompting.

"Bella, you really should stop turning down real estate so easily."

I laughed. "Please, the only place I need is wherever Edward is. We've got our house, that's all we need. That tomb in Victoria would be just that if I lived there- a house of death just like it was when my father lived there. The Swan house…well, that's Marcus' home anyway, right?"

Alice nodded.

I parked near the beach.

"Thanks," Alice said quietly as we headed down to the sand.

The beach was relatively empty at this time of night.

The water was peaceful.

I took a deep breath of the sea air. I'd spent one of the darkest nights of my life here.

"Oh, for the love of…" Alice was complaining.

"What?"

"I left the Vodka at the house," she pointed out.

"Why do I get the feeling that we're just not meant to have a party tonight, Alice?" I joked.

Her face fell.

Off in the distance there was some yelling….or was that howling?

Alice walked past me, in the direction of Second beach.

"What's that?" I asked, joining her. There was a big bonfire hidden off by the curve made by the winding cliffs.

"You don' think it's some tribal thing, right?" Alice asked. "I don't want to be disrespectful and interrupt something."

I watched the scene as we slowly drew closer to the crowd.

There were teenagers and what looked to be college students hanging out around the fire. Some I recognized and some I'd never seen before.

"Looks like a party of some sort."

This was just typical. My bachelorette _party_ was going to consist of crashing a frat party.

"Hola, bitches!" a female voice shouted to us as we entered the crowd.

"Uh…hi," Alice responded.

I just laughed. We were so screwed. We were the kind of girls who sat home at night, watching movies instead of going to things like this.

People were passing round red plastic cups. For a brief second I had a flashback to the night I nearly died here. I wouldn't be drinking anything tonight…at least not in combination with dropping hard-core hallucinogens.

"Oh, my fuck," the greeter said as she came to stand in front of us.

"You have _got _to be his sister. You look just like him!" she told me.

I shared a confused look with Alice.

"Did you know Emmett?" I asked.

She laughed, nodding her head with a big grin on her face. "Sure as shit did. Who the hell do you think his supplier was?"

Alice laughed. "Wait….so you're Trench?"

I looked between Alice and the friendly woman…who apparently was my late brother's weed supplier.

"Sure am," she confirmed. She frowned a little. "I was so sorry to hear about him and…what the hell was Jake going by…Rose?" We nodded. "Yeah, I was sorry to hear about them passing."

"Thanks," Alice and I said in unison.

"So can we score some shit for tonight?" Alice asked out the blue.

I gaped at her.

_Score some shit?_

Alice and I had smoked maybe a total of three times in our entire lives. The first time we did it we were mostly just staring off into space for the entire high.

"Fuck, you're practically family," Trench said. She reached into her pocket, with the hand that wasn't holding her bong, and pulled out a joint, handing it to me.

"And you have a sweet fucking ass, babe," she whispered in my ear low enough that Alice couldn't hear her. I squeaked as she slapped my ass discreetly before she turned back to the crowd by the fire.

"Come on, Bella," Alice said, dragging me back towards First beach. The crowd was spreading out, some couples dropping in the sand, bumping and grinding for all the world to see.

I missed Edward.

It'd be fun to get high and make out with him now.

We settled for a collection of fallen trees near the edge of the beach to sit and light up.

Alice went first. She took a hit and immediately started coughing.

I thought about our siblings. Em and Jake could smoke like pros when they were in high school. And I was surprised to find that Mom and Dr. Cullen never found out.

Those two were good at hiding addictions, though.

I took a hit and tried to hold it in without coughing like an asthmatic like Alice.

No such luck.

We went back and forth like that for a while. Smoking and hacking until we were both feeling pretty stoned.

We talked about life. Laughed about fun times that we'd had growing up.

Swapped stories about the insatiable sexual appetites of the Cullen brothers.

I admitted that I was a little nervous about getting married. Not that I wasn't sure about marrying Edward, but that I was afraid of not being a good wife.

Whatever the hell that was.

Alice told me about the first couple of nights that Marcus was with them. Her terror of realizing this kid was now her responsibility.

"I still can't believe I have a kid. A kid! Me!" Alice was shouting.

I nodded.

"Edward and I like to fuck on the kitchen counter," I told her.

"Can't do that with a kid," she said.

I nodded again.

Everything felt hazy.

There were never enough nights like this. I watched the water and thought about Em. He'd probably be proud of me right now.

Sitting on the beach, stoned off my ass and just loving life.

I felt like taking off my clothes and running into the ocean.

I giggled.

"Wanna go swimming?" I asked.

Alice's eyes were glazed and it took her a minute to fully understand what I had just said.

"Okay."

We laughed and stumbled a few times tossing off our shirts as we ran towards the water.

I left my pants on because my shoes were too complicated to take off at the moment. I just wanted to be in the water.

"I'm a fish!" Alice yelled, running straight into the ocean with no fear.

I laughed and joined her. We both ran far enough out to dive under the water.

"It's freezing!" I screamed as I popped back above the surface.

Alice's teeth were chattering.

"No shit."

We swam back to the sand, giggling and out of breath as we clung to each other for warmth.

"Fire!" I remembered and pointed towards the party at Second beach.

We ran towards the blaze.

I felt like a kid. I had no worries but the immediate. I couldn't be bothered to care what anyone thought about what I was doing or how I looked.

And everything was making me giggle.

"Did you smoke the whole thing?" a familiar voice asked as I came to stand in front of the flames. Alice was wondering around the other side-giving fashion advice to the couples in her path.

I turned to find Trench standing next to me.

I was soaking wet from head to toe. My hair dripping down my back. The mixture of my clothes being wet and the cold night air causing my hole body to break out in goosebumps.

I had no idea where my shirt was but I was very aware that I was only wearing my bra.

Trench looked at me with lust-filled eyes.

I'd never been watched by a woman like that before. A few hours ago I would have blushed, or shied away from the attention.

But the pot was making me bold.

I would have preferred to kiss Edward but her lips were looking mighty inviting.

I took a step closer to her, she followed suit and moved closer to me.

Suddenly, our lips were touching and I moaned. I was already feeling good from the weed, and my senses were heightened from the cold.

I felt my hard nipples rub against her chest as she deepened the kiss and slid her tongue into mouth. We stood like that for a long moment.

Everything was hazy, hot and wet.

My heart was pounding in my chest.

I pulled back to catch my breath, feeling my crotch join the rest of my body in dampness.

"Fuck," she whispered.

I smiled. I must be a good kisser. That was always the reaction I got.

"Bella!" Alice was yelling. She broke the lesbian ecstasy bubble.

"Thanks," I said sheepishly to Trench and went to find my friend.

"These people refuse to burn their shirts when they get home tonight," Alice told me indignantly.

I giggled and pulled her along the beach with me.

"I think it's time to go home," I told her.

We sang along at the top of our lungs to every song on the radio in the car, laughing with tears in our eyes.

"That was some good shit," Alice said as I pulled up the long drive way to my house.

"Made me horny as fuck, though," I admitted.

Alice snorted. "Little Miss prude Isabella saying she's horny." She laughed.

I rolled my eyes and stuck my tongue out at her.

I'll admit for a second I was even considering making out with Alice…since we were all alone…. I giggled and shook my head. I knew everything I was thinking tonight was the weed talking, but I never really got the chance to be a horny teenager. It felt like an appropriate night to get that phase out of the way.

Tomorrow I would become the responsible wife, but for tonight I enjoyed exploring myself. Something I never felt I had the right to do before.

Edward's Vanquish was parked at the end of the drive when we pulled up.

_Never mind. I can suck face with my man instead._

"Hey Jazz," I yelled as his wife and I fell out of the car.

He laughed. "Fun night, girls?"

Alice ran to her husband and proved that I wasn't the only one feeling frisky from the pot.

Jazz sniffed his wife's hair. "I'm not going to ask why you're both soaking wet and missing your shirts. Just glad you're okay."

I waved and headed to the door.

I could hear Alice planning out their evening.

"Bella gave me the key to the other house…let's do it in the kitchen…"

"Shh, keep it down, baby, Dad's in the backseat," Jazz warned.

"We'll pick up the truck tomorrow, Bella!" he yelled.

I laughed and waved again.

I stumbled in through the front door.

It'd been far too long since I was fucked up like this. I missed it. Everything felt calm and relaxed at that moment. I couldn't care to think about anything.

For the first time in nearly a month my nerves weren't on edge.

I didn't think I'd be making a habit of using again but I wouldn't be opposed to spending a night or two like this in the future.

I giggled for no real reason other than how damn good it felt to not be able to think right now.

The light was on in the kitchen.

Edward.

I dropped my purse on the floor near the door and headed to the kitchen.

_How did he know I'd be hungry when I got home?_ I thought.

When I reached the room filled with light I couldn't help but giggle again. Edward was sitting on the floor with his back to the fridge. He just kept blinking, like he was trying to get the room to come into focus but he couldn't.

He blinked up at me at the sound of my giggles.

"Hey…" He squinted. "Are you wet?"

I bit my lip, remembering the kiss on the beach and the hormone high that was waiting for me on the floor right now.

"Always for you, lover," I promised.

"You smell like pot…are you fucking _high_?" he slurred.

He narrowed his eyes and that seemed to do the trick to bring me into focus for his clearly intoxicated eyes.

I nodded my head vigorously.

"Are you drunk?" I asked, walking over to him.

He snorted, nodding his head with a wobbly bob and raised his hands to lay them on my hips as I came to stand in front of him.

"Fucking mine," he murmured and leaned forward, planting a hard kiss on the crotch of my wet jeans.

I giggled again. I briefly considered asking how his night was but I opted for asking him what I really wanted an answer to instead.

"Can we have sex now?" I asked, running my fingers through his always messy hair.

He leaned his head back to look up at me. His eyes were glazed, his lips slightly pouted, and it seemed like it took a lot of effort for him to remember how to speak.

"Yes," he finally replied, with another drunken head bob nod.

He removed his hands from my hips and started unzipping his pants.

That made me smile. Edward was so damn cute in his inebriation.

It was never like this for us before. We used to get fucked up to escape shit before. I got wasted for an excuse to feel sorry for myself. Edward got drunk to fight off the fear of his shortcomings.

We both knew better than to be those stupid kids anymore.

Tonight we were just blitzed, horny creatures.

It was really fucking nice.

It was how our younger years should have been.

He reached into his pants and I whined.

"Not here…how 'bout in our room?"

I was tired of getting pounded into hard, flat surfaces. I wanted to do it on our bed. It was big…and soft…and we could pass out on it afterwards and not get kinks in our necks.

He blinked up at me again. I must have fallen out of focus.

"Kay," he slurred.

He started to try to stand and I realized why he was sitting on the floor. Coordination was not Edward's thing when he was this under the influence.

I tried to catch him and help stabilize him while he got his legs under him. We bounced from the counter to the doorway like we were bumper cars. A few times he got away from me but luckily found a wall to hold himself up until I could wrap my arms around him again.

We were a laughing, staggering mess of arms and groans as we made our way to the staircase.

"Why the fuck is our room on the second floor?" he grumbled as we started up the stairs.

"You were the decorator, babe," I pointed out, trying to fight the desire to stay in my nice little bubble of intoxication long enough to get us up the stairs and not falling and breaking our necks.

Edward leaned heavily on me as we rounded the corner at the top of the stairs.

We got to the door of the upstairs bathroom and he pressed me back against the hard wood to kiss me.

I had to admit, Edward and I were kind of sloppy kissers when we were out of it like this. But sloppy kisses from Edward were still the best damn kisses in the world.

I hummed as he moved his mouth from mine to start sucking on my earlobe.

"I like kissing you," I said, feeling the fuzziness of the weed taking hold again.

He just grunted and rocked his hips against me which made me giggle.

"You know, I kissed a girl tonight…it was kind of weird…but kind of hot, too," I admitted. "Sorry, I sort of…kind of cheated on you. Didn't mean anything, though…" I rambled.

I couldn't deny that the memory of that kiss mixed with the sensation of kissing him now was arousing.

"S'kay," he mumbled. "I kept thinking about guys sucking my cock all night."

I felt myself grow even wetter when he said that—it was like code blue flood warning wetness.

"I should not have found that statement as sexy as I just did," I whispered.

He grunted again and this time I made sure to rub myself against him as he thrust his near-tented jeans towards me.

"Believe me, baby, the thought of you kissing another girl is pretty goddamn sexy, too."

I moaned as his hands found my chest- he pinched my already erect nipples between his fingers. I started writhing, trapped between the door and him.

"Fuck, I wanna fuck you so hard right now," he whispered, licking my jaw.

I whimpered.

_Best damn bachelorette party ever._

"Um…Bella…" he slurred between kisses after a few more minutes of us playing over-the-clothes-sexing.

"Yes, Edward," I whispered seductively.

"I'm gonna barf."

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**EPOV (The next morning, December 30****th****, 2017)**

I think my head was pounding in my sleep. Maybe someone had been beating me over the head with a hammer the whole time I slept.

Either way, I nearly puked the second Alice's voice screeched in my ears.

I could feel hard, cold porcelain under me. Bella was laying on top of me. The smell of her hair was the only thing keeping my nausea at bay.

I felt Bella's head pop up as Alice kept screaming.

_Seriously, couldn't see keep her fucking voice down!_

I groaned.

It'd been a hell of a long time since I was this hung over.

Alice kept whining. I didn't catch all of it, something about breaking traditions. I wasn't supposed to see Bella this morning before we said our vows.

I squeezed my eyes further closed at the idea of having to open them. Light would cause me to vomit.

Fuck, just the effort it took to see something right now would make me vomit.

"Bella! Get out of that tub right now! Edward…don't look at her!"

I groaned and turned my head away from the annoying voice.

I felt Bella sigh and felt something soft press against my cheek. Surprisingly enough that didn't make me feel like I was going to barf. That actually felt good.

"See ya soon, Mr. Cullen," she whispered.

Against my better judgment, I smiled.

Lucky for me I kept the smirk on my lips long enough for the girls to leave the room. Then the throbbing pulse in my head finally took over and I crawled out of the tub in just enough time to puke my guts out in the toilet.

"Nervous about the big day, Bro?" Jazz teased from the doorway.

"Fuck off," I grumbled.

"No can do, brother. I made a promise to get you to the church on time."

"Jazz," I said around a hiccup of bile. "I'll forgive you if you just put me out of my misery and let me sleep this off."

He chuckled, leaning over me and flushing the toilet. He put his arms under mine and helped lift me to my feet.

"Dude, I don't give a fuck what you want. My wife gave me one job today and it's my balls if I don't get it done."

I peeled one eye open and shot it at him.

"Whipped motherfucker," I mumbled.

He laughed, none too gently dropping me off at the bed in my bedroom.

"Congratulations, Edward, today you become one, too."

I flopped back on to the bed with a sigh. I was still burping puke.

_How fucking romantic, Edward._

"Why the hell did you drink so much anyway?" Jazz asked from the direction of closet.

I shook my head.

_Mistake. Don't move….breathe softly through the nose._

"Uh… Dunno…started thinking bout Mom and Dad."

I thought back to where my brain was heading when I was in the backseat of the Vanquish as Carlisle drove us to the strip club in Port Angeles.

"I'm assuming you don't mean Esme and Carlisle," my brother clarified.

I snorted.

"Hey, their lives weren't any better in the long run…but…no. I was thinking bout Tanya and Ed. They were happy once," I remarked through worried lips.

I opened both of my eyes and stared at the ceiling. What difference did this afternoon make? Bella and I had been happy. We'd spent the last year back in each other's lives. We'd shared hardship, love and peace together.

Why difference did today make, really?

"When I married Alice," Jazz explained. "I kept telling myself that it was just a piece of paper. I was just planning for our future by making sure legally she was joined with me. That it just made sense in the event that I died or something."

"I hadn't prepared myself for the…pure elation of introducing her as _my wife._"

I sat up slowly and looked at him. His face was all goofy happy.

"You ever afraid you're gonna hurt her?" I asked. I pinched my nose between my thumb and forefinger.

_Could someone ask the tiny man playing the drums to get the fuck out of my skull?_

"I'm never afraid I'm going to _beat_ her," he offered.

Violence was a touchy subject with both of us.

Jazz admitted to me that he went through a lot of therapy himself to deal with physical shows of aggression. It shocked me to find out that my overly sensitive brother had such rage inside of him.

I was known for being the angry one.

But I was also known for being passive-aggressive.

I'd never been able to really be physical with my anger. Sure, I took shit out on myself but… I just couldn't do it.

"But," Jazz continued. "Everyone hurts everyone at some point, Edward. That's just life. I'm never worried about hurting her, because I know that I'll be there to help her through the pain, too."

I nodded.

_Damn. Time to lay back down._

I flopped back down with a moan.

"Yeah…I guess you're right. I just…Dunno…I'm always afraid I'm running just one step ahead of becoming Ed. Seems like no matter how many times I convince myself that I won't be him…I just end up seeing him in the mirror."

"Have you ever hit Bella?"

I flinched at the very idea of anyone hitting her.

"Fuck, no."

"Have you ever thought about it? When you were at your most frustrated and angry over the shit going on around you two, did you ever once imagine hurting her?"

I took a moment and thought back to those years when we were living in New York… Florida…Seattle.

Never.

Not once in all of those years did I ever imagine hurting my girl. I hurt myself….which in turn hurt her. I drank myself into a stupor. Ignored her pain. But I didn't want to punish her.

"No."

His face was above me suddenly.

"What you and your soon-to-be wife need to get over is this shit about being your dads. You're Edward and Bella. Fuck Ed and Charlie. Those bastards are dead. End of story."

He was gone from my view and back in the closet, pulling together my clothes.

I smiled.

"You're smart, Bro. Who taught you all those smarts thoughts?"

He threw my shirt over my face and laughed.

"My smart-ass older brother," he teased.

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**JPOV **

Edward groaned from the bathroom as he showered and tried to wake up.

Luckily for all of us, he and Bella had decided to have a small, not very formal ceremony.

Naturally, that decision was much to the dismay of my wife. I was very proud of Al for how she was handling the whole event. She was biting her tongue and just supporting Edward and Bella, which was a big step for her.

I think motherhood was really changing her.

I chuckled as I remembered the look on her face when they told us their plans at Christmas eve.

A New Year's Eve morning wedding in Forks and a reception in Italy on New Year's Day.

It was just random enough to be completely Edward and Bella. However, when Carlisle reminded them how long it took to get to Italy, they adjusted to have the ceremony on the day before New Year's Eve and would just have the reception whenever we arrived in Italy.

That was even more Edward and Bella.

In their typical fashion, when the first plan didn't work out, they said fuck it and went with plan B… or plan C or D in some cases.

To top it off, Bella said they had decided on not making it a big to-do. They would be wearing jeans and t-shirts and wanted one of us to be ordained over the Internet to do the service.

To no one's real surprise, we found out that Dad was actually already an ordained officiant via the web.

"It always seemed like a useful certificate to have. Never know when people will need to be married in a hurry," he pointed out.

We had a hour before we needed to be at the house.

There was a knock on the door downstairs. I jogged down the stairs to answer it.

Alice said she was sending over "options"…for what she was calling just-in-case-wear.

I opened the door.

"Good morning, Jazz," Nicole, Alice's new assistant, said.

"Good morning. Please, come in," I told her and motioned towards the living room.

Al was loath to sell the studio when we moved to Seattle, but she was a little more accepting of it when she met Nicole.

Nicole was fresh from design school, and from what Alice told me, an amazing seamstress. Though my wife had all but given up designing and creating clothes I could tell she enjoyed working with her.

"Just helped Alice drop off the bride collection. These are the jacket options for the groom," she explained.

"Just jackets right? He'll throw a bitch fit if there are any suits shoved at him today," I warned. Seriously. My brother hated very few things enough to really tell people about them.

Suits were in his top five most evil creations on earth.

He felt the same way about bras, too.

"Do you need to measure him for any of it or anything?" I asked.

"Shouldn't need to. Alice is a stealthy bee. She measured him at Christmas and did these from memory."

"What the fuck is that?" Edward shouted from the stairs.

"Oh my," Nicole said with wide eyes in the direction of the idiot.

I turned to find a nearly naked Edward standing on the steps, clutching his towel around his waist, hair still dripping and a scowl on his face.

"I'll show you in a minute. Go get dressed…moron," I told him.

He just turned and stalked up the stairs, grumbling under his breath.

"Well…I can die a happy girl," Nicole muttered to herself.

I tried not to laugh out loud. I would be laughing at my dumb brother who made the ladies swoon without trying, but she might find it rude just the same for me to laugh.

"Thank you again," I told her, walking her to the door.

"I wish you all the best, tell Alice I'll see her next Thursday."

I nodded. "Will do. Have a safe trip."

I took the three jacket options upstairs and found my brother, still naked in his bedroom rummaging through drawers.

"I pulled out boxers and socks for you over there," I told him.

"I can get my own damn underwear, Jazz!" He glared at me over his shoulder.

"What the fuck are _options_ anyway?" he asked as I sat down.

"Dude, I'm not talking to you till you put the jewels away."

He chuckled. "Consider it payback for taking me to a drag club."

"You would never have walked into a regular strip club, Edward, admit it. You would have sat in the car all night because your moral high ground would tell you seeing other woman naked is wrong."

He nodded. "True."

He finished pulling on his socks and boxers, then found his blue jeans and a t-shirt.

"Simon and Garfunkel?" I asked confused.

"Yeah, Bella and I saw them in concert a few months ago. Why?"

I cocked a brow. "I didn't even know you knew they sang music."

"I don't only listen to Bon Jovi, Bro. I happen to like all forms of music. And since today is my wedding day, you can suck it."

"The options are jackets for today. Alice created three different ones. You don't have to use any of them but I think you'll find at least one to your liking."

He walked over to the bed to take a look and I stood behind him. Humming _Mrs. Robinson._

"Oh…you're a regular comedian there, fucker," he grumbled. I laughed.

"I like this one," he said, holding up the one I figured he'd choose. It was a black leather jacket. He slipped it on.

"Perfect," I told him.

**-**-Bookends-**-**

I was best man. Dad was presiding over the ceremony and my wife was the Matron of honor. To say the wedding was a family affair would be drastically understating it.

There were no chairs. No ribbons and streamers in coordinated colors. No expensive bouquets of flowers placed strategically around the tree house.

There wasn't a cake with elaborate tiers of decoration. And there were maybe fifteen people assembled between our houses when we got there.

All in all, no one would have been able to really know that a wedding was about to take place. And yet, you could just feel it in the air.

I walked past the guests, greeting them as I passed. Renee and her two kids. Mike and his mom. Some of the guys from Push—Seth and Sam.

For the briefest second I half expected to see Tanya somewhere in the crowd. I don't know why. I hardly ever thought of the woman I used to call mother.

I guessed, as I kept telling my brother he must do, I had a hard time letting go of things, too.

No matter how much love and acceptance we found as Cullens, we would never be able to fully lay to rest our Masen heritage. We did let go of the place that still haunted us both in Seattle. Edward and I had agreed to demolish the house a year ago. The city wanted to renovate that neighborhood and put up apartments for college students. We didn't even go there to see it one last time.

We just let it go.

Now it was time for my heart to do that with Tanya.

"I'll be right back," I told Edward as he was talking to Esme. He nodded and I headed into the Swan house.

Alice was running up and down the stairs and barking orders at Kate and MJ.

"Made the mistake of asking her if she needed help, didn't you?" I joked as Kate came down stairs shaking her head.

"Your wife is small…but fuck me, she's scary," she told me.

I laughed.

I held my hands out and caught my wife on her next pass downstairs.

"Small affair, babe," I reminded her jokingly.

She blinked up at me and shook her head like I was crazy. "Jazz, I love you, it's nice to see you but if you aren't interested in helping me then get out."

"Gotta get back out in a minute, dear, sorry." I wasn't really. I loved my wife but I didn't want to get stuck on hairspray detail or something.

She kissed my lips quickly and ran back upstairs. I just shook my head and went to join my family outside.

Carlisle was leaning against the old tree when I walked up.

"You know, when Mary and I got married she wanted me to pull this old tree out. She thought it was an eyesore. I built the tree house hoping it would help her enjoy it more."

I smiled.

"Did she ever go up there?" I asked.

"Nah. 'Bout the only people who ever did were you kids," he said, looking between Edward and me.

Edward cleared his throat, looking up at the sanctuary like it was the most precious place in the world.

"Lots of happy memories in that place," he whispered.

"Okay," Alice announced from the back door two minutes later.

"There's no music.…just clear a path and get a good spot."

MJ and Kate walked over to stand next to Esme. Alice exited the house smiling, and I swore I could hear her humming the wedding march under her breath.

Bella and Edward had asked Marcus to walk his aunt down the aisle. In so many ways, even Alice and I thought of Marcus as Emmett and Rose's son. It only seemed right that he be the one to walk with her.

Em would have been the one to do it were he here.

My wife was grinning impossibly wide when she took her place across from us at the tree.

I braced myself for Bella's entrance that could only mean one thing—that Bella had accepted her optional clothing.

Everyone in attendance gasped in unison as my soon-to-be sister-in-law emerged from her childhood home.

Alice had made only one optional outfit for Bella—a pale green wedding dress. I couldn't see my brother's face since he was standing in front of me but I could hear him swallow.

She looked gorgeous.

It was hard to believe she was the same girl I was driving to Victoria all those years ago. The pure joy in her eyes was enough to light the sun.

She reached out her hand and held Esme's hand as she came to stand before us. In that age-old ritual, Esme passed her daughter's hand to Edward's in a symbol of trust that he would now provide for the one she loved.

My brother's hand was not trembling with the fear he displayed this morning. I knew he'd be fine once we were here. Once he was with Bella. Those two could weather any storm so long as those hands stayed joined.

"You…look so beautiful," Edward told her.

"Back at you, handsome," Bella responded.

"Friends, and loved ones, welcome," Carlisle started. "We're all gathered here today to witness the union of Edward Anthony Masen Cullen, and Isabella Marie Swan. This has been…a long time coming," he remarked.

Everyone quietly agreed with laughter.

Bella winked up at Edward.

"The couple has decided to write their own vows." He motioned for Edward to begin.

"I…uh… actually stole lyrics for my vows," Edward admitted sheepishly.

The tips of his ears were pink as he pulled the note card from his jacket pocket.

Bella's smile was radiant. Edward could have read her the A section from the phone book and she'd be happy.

It made my heart squeeze to see them both so happy. I watched Bella's face from over Edward's shoulder as he looked deep into her eyes and recited the lyrics.

"_When the hour is upon us  
And our beauty surely gone  
No, you will not be forgotten  
No, you will not be alone."  
_

Bella's eyes misted as he continued.

_"And when the day has all but ended  
And our echo starts to fade  
No, you will not be alone then  
And you will not be afraid  
No, you will not be afraid_

When the fog has finally lifted  
From my cold and tired brow  
No, I will not leave you crying  
And I will not let you down  
No, I will not let you down"

He raised his hand, hooking his finger under her chin to hold her gaze to promise,

_"I will _not_ let you down."_

Tears started to fall silently from the corner of Bella's eyes.

_"Now comes the night  
Feel it fading away  
And the soul underneath  
Is it all that remains  
So just slide over here  
Leave your fear in the fray  
Let us hold to each other  
Till the end of our days"_

I teared up to hear the emotion in my brother's voice as he finished his vow to her. There were many days in our past when I never thought this day would come. That Edward and Bella would grow old alone.

That hope was lost.

As with many moments in my life when paths changed course and I questioned how wrong the altered route could be, I was elated to find that I had been wrong again.

Bella sniffed and suddenly my wife's hand was in her face with a tissue. The crowd, bride and groom included, softly laughed.

"You and me forever, babe. I fucking love you," Edward whispered.

"Thank you, Edward," Carlisle said, rolling his eyes at my brother's eternal need to cuss.

He turned his attention to Bella.

"Bella?" he asked quietly.

She bit her lip. Her eyes were wider than usual. She looked like she was trembling slightly.

"I wanted to write something," she started softly.

"I sat for hours and thought about us—all that we've survived together…but nothing ever inspired me."

She shrugged her shoulders and bit her lip again, casting her eyes on their joined hands.

"Then I thought about using a song, or a poem…a quote from literature. But… nothing I came across seemed to fit."

She took a deep breath.

She lifted her head and stared straight into his eyes.

"I'm not perfect. I've made mistakes… I plan on never being perfect and to keep fucking up royally for years to come."

Everyone laughed.

"But I'm all yours. Forever," she vowed.

I could hear my brother melt when she said that.

"Since there is no one here with objections to this union...," Carlisle announced. I smirked to see that even Mike Newton was smiling for the happy couple.

"By the power invested in me, by the great State of Washington, I now pronounce you…" His eyebrows rose as he drew out the final words.

Carlisle smirked.

"Fucking married," he declared.

"Edward, please kiss her already."

They kissed while we all cheered.

Finally.

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**A/N: **

"Now Comes the Night" (lyrics by Rob Thomas)


	40. Bookends

**Bookends By: Bella's Executioner.**

**Rating: M- this means if you're under 16 you are agreeing to break your own ToS by reading this and I'm not your mother so be responsible for yourself.**

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is the sole owner of the world of Twilight. She is Bella's creator. I am Bella's Executioner.**

**A/N: Bookends is the very first fanfiction I started writing. It's been on this site, moved and come back. It has errors, fuck ups and lots of proofs that I'm human but it also has all of my heart and soul in it. I welcome you into this world of pain and love and hope that you enjoy. I also welcome your thoughts as you read—pm me or review and I'll be happy to discuss the story with you.**

**This is not the end, this is the beginning. Life never stops but this journey is over.**

**Thanks again to all who read this, commented on it and gave me endless amounts of support to follow the journey of these characters. **

**And a very special thank you to TwilightMomofTwo. She truly inspires me and helps me in ways I can't express. I would not have been able to finish this story without her and I am thankful every day that my twisted little fics caught her attention or I would have missed meeting one of the greatest people I've ever known. Love you lots lady!**

**Also thank you to the IndieFicPimp team and to Teambella23 (or Teamsmella23 on twitter) for your support of this fic this week. I'm really honored and humbled by your words and your support. Thank you!**

**Okay so….here you go…the end.**

**Chapter 40: Bookends**

**-**-Bookends-**-**

"Old friends sit on a park bench like **bookends**." (Old Friends, Paul Simon)

(The Only Exception, Paramore)

When I was younger  
I saw my daddy cry  
And curse at the wind  
He broke his own heart  
And I watched  
As he tried to reassemble it

And my momma swore that  
She would never let herself forget  
And that was the day that I promised  
I'd never sing of love  
If it does not exist

But darling,  
You are the only exception  
You are the only exception  
You are the only exception  
You are the only exception

Maybe I know, somewhere  
Deep in my soul  
That love never lasts  
And we've got to find other ways  
To make it alone  
Keep a straight face

And I've always lived like this  
Keeping a comfortable, distance  
And up until now  
I had sworn to myself that I'm  
Content with loneliness

Because none of it was ever worth the risk

Well, You, are, the only exception  
You are the only exception  
You are the only exception  
You are the only exception

I've got a tight grip on reality  
But I can't  
Let go of what's in front of me here  
I know you're leaving  
In the morning, when you wake up  
Leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream

Ohh-

You are the only exception  
You are the only exception

And I'm on my way to believing  
Oh, And I'm on my way to believing

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**EPOV (Italy, December 31, 2017)**

The clinking of champagne glasses being tapped with forks erupted again and I smiled as I leaned over to kiss my wife.

I always thought that was a stupid tradition. It was still a little annoying as fuck to barely get a fork full of pasta raised to my lips only to hear the crowd do it again.

But I'd have taken any excuse to kiss the woman sitting next to me.

Bella hummed her appreciation of the food as she slurped some sauce from her lips and dropped her hand below the table to rest it on my jumping knee.

I couldn't really say what I was nervous about.

Fuck, Bella and I'd been through everything together—death, pain, and sex. There was nothing that could happen to us now that we were married that hadn't already happened to us before.

But here I was, fucking twitching like a virgin on prom night.

Maybe it was bringing Bella here.

Italy had been where I grew up. Figuratively. I had learned to be my own person here—removed from her.

Maybe I was afraid she'd find something here that would change her mind about me.

I lifted her hand from my leg and kissed her ring.

"I love you…Mrs. Cullen," I whispered.

"Love you, too… my husband," she responded.

I stabbed a mushroom with my fork, popping it in my mouth just as the clinking started up again.

I sighed.

Bella laughed and leaned over to kiss me on the cheek.

_How'd I ever get so lucky to have her?_

I looked around the room. Alice and Jazz were laughing on the other side of Bella. Carlisle and Esme were feeding each other in a corner table. The other guests were all enjoying their meals and company, too.

Everyone looked so…happy.

Maybe that was what I was so jumpy about.

I was happy.

I hadn't known any long period of time when I could just be…content with life. I was waiting for the next shoe to drop.

Waiting for the phone call that would take someone I loved away from me again.

I scowled at my pasta and tried to come to terms with the warring emotions in my head. I wanted to be happy, but I also wanted to be aware of what made me happy. I appreciated the idea of not taking my life for granted but that didn't mean I wanted to always remind myself how easily I could just…stop being happy.

Bella leaned over and held her fork up for me. A piece of ravioli was pressed to my lips. I opened my mouth and let her feed me, rolling my eyes as she giggled lightly.

"Relax, sweetie," she whispered and put her hand back on my leg.

I licked my lips and tried to do what she said.

"May I have everyone's attention, please?"

"Oh, fuck," I whispered as Erebos came to stand in the middle of the reception hall.

Bella's hand squeezed my leg and I sighed.

I braced myself for whatever he was about to say. My old mentor had a flare for the dramatic that I did not want to deal with today.

"I want to thank everyone for coming today. The union of Isabella and Edward has been anticipated for far too long. Please raise your glasses with me," he said holding his champagne up.

"Salute!" everyone shouted together.

Bella and I drank from our glasses and nodded thanks to the crowd.

We'd told Jazz and Alice that there was no need for speeches. We were compromising by giving our family a party instead of an announcement via text message that we'd just driven through the Chapel of Love's drive-thru-ceremony in Vegas.

They didn't need to press their luck with sappy speeches that would only cause Bella and me to worry tonight.

I laughed to myself at that thought.

No one could worry like Bella and me—we'd feel guilty that we were happy while others were suffering. Sad that Rose and Em passed away before they could share this day with us. Afraid that we were still carrying our demons around with us.

Erebos raised his glass a second time towards us and we saluted with him. He waved to the band to start playing.

I shoved the last mushroom around my plate without eating it. My brain never seemed to want to shut off.

"You wanna dance?" Bella asked me quietly after a few minutes.

Neither of us were known for our coordination. In fact, we were both quite well-known for our knack at falling down. But hell, that was the fun of being married, right? We could fall down together.

"Sure," I said, standing and holding my hand out for her.

I don't know if the song was already playing when we stepped on to the dance floor, or if Erebos had told the band to play the specific selection when we danced our first dance together.

And I frankly didn't give a fuck.

I just wrapped my arms around my wife and swayed us around the room as a singer began belting out the words to _At Last._

For as fucking cheesy as I found the song, it was true. I'd held my breath all of my life…since I was eight years old...to finally be able to call Isabella Swan mine. To hold her like this.

To be ecstatically in love with her.

Happy.

_This is what it feels like to be happy, Edward. Enjoy it. _

"You're looking rather _happy_ this evening, Mr. Cullen," Bella teased with a breathtaking smile as I turned us in slow circles.

I smirked. "You're looking fucking beautiful as usual, Mrs. Cullen."

She wasn't wearing the dress anymore. She'd changed before we got on the plane. And admittedly I found my wife to be most gorgeous when she was totally nude, but there was a certain glow about her at that moment.

I almost forgot we weren't alone.

The damn glasses started clinking again. And Bella leaned up to claim my lips—drawing my bottom lip into her mouth briefly before she resumed her place in my arms.

"It was a good day," she said.

I nodded. "Perfect day."

The song ended and I risked dipping Bella back. I must be a lucky bastard because I pulled off the move without causing either of us injury.

The applause made us both blush.

I walked us out to the veranda as the band started the next song. The fresh air felt nice. I'd forgotten how much I loved early evening in this place.

"I can't believe you lived here," Bella said, leaning against the balcony and watching the sunset over the grounds.

"I…uh…I don't remember a lot of it," I admitted with a laugh. "I spent most of the first year so drunk, I just stayed in my room."

Bella cocked her head to the side and watched me—waiting for me to continue.

"It wasn't easy for me to be away from you… I thought I'd broken you…thought I was the reason you were in so much pain all of the time… It was hard to face that."

She nodded, turning back to watch the sunset.

"I used to feel like I was standing inside my body screaming but…my brain forgot to open my mouth and let the sound come out," she offered.

"I missed you. But…" She reached her hand out for me to join her. I did, without a question.

"I can't say that I'm sorry for the time we spent apart, Edward. Just that I'm sorry we had to do it…but we did _have_ to do it."

"I know. I agree, baby," I assured her, leaning down to kiss her. No fucking glass percussion prompting necessary.

"Ah, this makes me smile."

I groaned as Erebos came to stand next to us.

"I haven't had the pleasure of formally being introduced to you, dear child," he said to Bella.

"It's an honor to meet you, sir," Bella told him politely.

I snorted.

"Don't be a cad, Edward," he scolded.

"Edward's a gentleman…when he wants to be," my girl defended.

Erebos laughed. "Oh…I like you."

"Go get your own girl…this one is taken," I warned him playfully. I wrapped my arms around my wife to protect her from the deviant billionaire.

He laughed. "I am quite happy at the moment, thank you."

He waved to a beautiful woman standing near the band. She was talking to Carlisle and Esme animatedly.

"That is Gina…my English Rose," he said.

Bella smiled. "She seems lovely."

"Thank you, my dear, she's very…talented…keeps me tied up for hours in the tower."

Bella laughed innocently at his words.

I tried to remember if I'd ever told her what the women in Erebos' life were. I cleared my throat.

"Getting back to me being a gentleman," I broke in.

Bella smiled and squeezed her arms around me. "Yes," she continued. "You're very good to me, even when people aren't expecting it…like with my book."

I quirked an eyebrow at her.

"Your book? You mean telling you to write the second one?"

She shook her head, a coy smile on her lips.

"No…I mean you sending me the money to publish the first one."

I laughed, throwing her a baffled look.

"I never sent you money."

She scowled. "What do you mean you didn't? I know it wasn't Charlie. It was registered mail…from back east…"

I shook my head, glancing at Erebos only out of reflex.

That's when I saw his smirk.

_That bastard had meddled. _

"You did it," I said, looking him square in the face.

Bella gasped, turning to my would-be therapist.

"Guilty. However, I consider it something Edward would have done had I not forced the idea of him helping you from his mind."

"You did what?" Bella asked, glaring slightly at him.

I smiled.

_Oh, my girl was never one to back down from a fight._

"I provided you with support while keeping him from being a pussy-whipped bitch," Erebos said, kissing Bella's hand and turning back to the party before either of us could respond.

We both laughed together and watched the last of the sun disappear over the horizon.

"Liking Italy, baby?" I asked her.

"Yes…though…I can see why you used to drink so much."

I threw my head back and laughed.

-**-Bookends-**-

**BPOV (January 1****st****, 2018)**

"Happy New Year," Edward whispered to me between kisses. I cast my eyes to the clock on the night stand.

Midnight.

"The happiest," I assured him.

We were in the bed that was his for a handful of years.

In true Edward fashion, we had just _broken it in._

Now we were just resting—basking in the afterglow of the day.

Edward's hands were lightly brushing over my breasts. It was relaxing and sensual but not something that would spur me on to devour him again. It was just… nice.

I was lost in the peace of his eyes.

Finally.

We could both be here together—happy. Occasionally he would lean down and plant a gentle kiss on my flesh.

My breast.

My neck.

My lips.

And then he could go back to watching his hands smooth gently across my chest.

"I've always loved your breasts," he admitted softly—his eyes a little glazed over as they stared at my moving flesh.

I giggled. I ran my hands up his neck and tangled my fingers in his hair.

"I've always loved your hair."

He spied his wicked eyes up to me under his dark lashes, then lowered his head, his crooked smile peeking out just as he closed his teeth around my nipple. My hands fisted in his hair as I felt his hot tongue trace around and sharply across the tip.

I gasped at the sensation.

"I really like your tongue, too."

I moaned. I didn't think that was what he was asking but I couldn't resist telling him.

"Well…" He raised his lips off of my chest and I frowned, whimpering softly. He smiled—big and goofy.

"I've always…"

His hand ran down the front of my body as he spoke. Delicately. Languidly.

"Loved…"

My eyes rolled back in my head when his finger traced my entrance between my thighs.

"This." His voice was dark and deep with lust.

I moaned as he pressed his finger inside me.

"I love that, too," I breathed.

He chuckled.

"_Bella_."

His voice was no more than a warm breath against my face. His lips were on my cheeks then—the feeling forcing my eyes open. He brought his hand back up to my breasts and returned to his previous musings. This time he ran the backs of his hands over my peaks—just as gentle as before.

My heart was swelling to burst as I watched him.

I loved him more than words or action could ever tell him. I was taken back to ten years ago—lying on my bed on an afternoon like the one we had today, my body floating from a release caused by Edward's fingers. I was there.

In this moment I was the woman in that fantasy haze I could see back then. I was happy. I was strong. And I was with Edward. We had a future and we were married.

And I could see beyond those dreams now. See more possibilities than even my fifteen year old mind could. I could see dreams as realities.

I wanted… wanted…

"Edward?"

He smiled that lazy, beautiful, satisfied smile.

"I want us to have a family…kids."

The air was sucked from the room for a moment.

I meant it.

My heart was pounding in my ears.

I'd been feeling this way since that night that I saw Alice and Jazz become Marcus' parents. Knew that someday Edward and I would start a family in our house together.

It felt briefly like I was rushing into this. Like I was just throwing the idea out there since we had just been married.

But I wanted him to know. I wanted us to start planning for a family.

A bigger smile tugged on the corners of his lips but he said nothing. He just stared deep into my eyes for a heartbeat and then lowered his lips to my chest once more. He kissed the spot above my heart.

Then he kissed down my chest to my stomach—he placed softly kisses along my scar.

A thought occurred to me.

"Edward… I want to have _your_ baby…give birth to one," I clarified.

He froze. His head was still bent down, his face pressed against my stomach.

I couldn't see his reaction in his eyes or read his face to know what he was thinking.

For a second, I was scared.

The old self-doubt was instant. I knew that the bliss was too much to hope for. I prepared myself for his anger. Edward was understanding in hindsight, but he'd have a thing or two to say about me putting myself at risk like that again. The doctors had promised that I could carry another child, but there were no certainties with how the pregnancy would go.

And with the way I had reacted to losing our first baby… I could understand reluctance from him to want to have me go through that again.

"Edward?" My voice was shaky as I tried to interpret what his stillness meant.

"Bella…" he whispered.

I felt it then… the silent tears soaking my skin.

"Oh, Edward."

My hands were still in his hair and they began to caress his scalp. His hands locked behind my back.

He raised his head and made my heart melt for him all over again.

The pure love and adoration shone in every line of his face. He wanted this, too. He wanted to have a baby with me. His eyes were filled with tears—and the deepest reverence as he watched me.

"I love you." There was hardly a sound to his words but it was like he was screaming it from the rooftop. I knew it was true.

My hand drifted to his cheek and wiped away a stray tear. "And I love you," I promised.

He leaned up and kissed me then.

I'm not sure that what we'd done with our lips up to that moment in our lives could be considered kissing—not after this meeting of our lips. It was tender, sweet and loving, but it soon melted into passion and desire. My soul was pulled from my body through his lips and entrusted to his body in return. I received all that he was, and wanted to be, into my previously empty vessel with more love than was possible.

And we immediately got to work on making a baby.

"_Fuck, Bella,_" he moaned as he slowly slid into me. I just closed my eyes and smiled.

_Fuck yah, indeed_.

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**BPOV (Forks, March, 2018)**

I sat back on the counter with one foot dangling off and waited for the results.

It felt so odd to be doing this again.

And to be doing it alone.

In my mind I could see Rose sitting on the toilet facing me and offering me a reassuring smile. Her eyes bright with hope and her arms ready to hold me for support.

I looked at my watch.

It was unfortunate that Edward liked to sleep in so much. I knew I could wake him and he'd sit in here with me—probably even more nervous and excited than I was, but I could never disturb him when he was sleeping so soundly.

When Edward slept, he was at peace. And after a life full of so much uncertainty as he'd had, I could never disturb that tranquility.

Frankly, I loved sleeping with him, too. To snuggle into his warmth and let the world fade away. I just had this feeling yesterday and when I woke up, I just had to test it and see if I was right.

Maybe I wanted to do this alone, too. Prove to myself that I really did want to go through this. Take that last leap of faith that my and Edward's love could survive anything.

The hands on my watch ticked and it was time to look.

I held my breath. I wasn't sure what I was hoping for. I'd stopped getting the Depo shot right before our honeymoon. Edward and I had not let up on the act that led to creating a baby.

Realistically, I was primed for trying to get pregnant.

But there was still a little flutter to my heartbeat as I looked at the test in my hand. I wanted to have Edward's baby, but being pregnant was still a big fear of mine.

"What does it say?" a sleepy voice asked.

I jumped slightly as I hadn't heard him enter the bathroom. Edward hopped on to the counter next to me and slid his arm around my waist.

"Well?" he pried.

I smiled, tears filling my eyes.

"I hope you meant it when you said you'd buy a minivan," I teased, dancing between nervous as excited.

For all the joy that was filling my heart at knowing that I was pretty positively carrying his child, I was staggered by the pure elation in Edward's face at the news.

"Really?" he whispered.

I nodded. "Really," I repeated.

"Holy shit!" he yelled, leaping from the counter and scooping me up into his arms. He twirled me around the room for a second—our shared laughter filling the room.

"Oh, fuck!" he cursed, stopping and planting me on the ground suddenly.

"Are you okay?" he asked, genuinely worried. His eyebrows pulled together and his face was too adorable as he watched me as if he thought a little spinning would hurt me.

I laughed. "You're not going to be one of those husbands, Edward Cullen."

He frowned at me. "One of what husbands?"

I rolled my eyes. "I'm barely pregnant. Other than not having my period, having weird cravings and…" I bit my lip to try to distinguish if the new boost in my sex drive was baby-related or just Edward-related. "Other stuff…you can't even tell I'm with child. We have to have the doctor confirm it anyway. And even when I am extremely pregnant, you still don't need to treat me like that means I'm made of glass," I huffed.

"I'm tough, sweetheart. I won't break that easily," I promised. I knew last time had been a bad start, but it just wasn't meant for us then to have our first child. I wasn't going to lose this one. I was going to stay strong and healthy.

I had no idea where the positive thoughts were coming from but I was glad to find them in my mind.

His features were etched in lines of serious intensity as he put his arms around me.

"You're the most important thing in my world, Bella. To me…even if you weren't pregnant," he put his hand against my cheek. "I'd treat you like that."

I sighed dramatically. "Edward, there are plenty of times you don't treat me like I'm breakable."

He scowled. "When?"

"Oh, I don't know…how bout after we put in the new shower? When we broke it in…you didn't seem to think slamming me against the tile wall was going to do permanent damage to my body."

Edward's eyes darkened at the memory. Electric anticipation shot through my body. My pulse raced.

Whatever the reason, I was enjoying the new energy I was having in the sex department.

"Hmm," he hummed, glancing between the shower and me. "I don't suppose we'll be doing that for a while now."

I scoffed.

"Are you not hearing what I'm saying?" I yelled. "Don't you dare tell me I have to suddenly become celibate! I have needs, Edward. This… is a big one!" My cheeks puffed and I fought the urge to stomp my foot.

He smirked.

"Are you seriously yelling at me because you want to have sex?"

I glared at him. "No…well, yes...I would love to have sex but I'm yelling at you because I'm not some porcelain doll who needs to be put on a shelf for the next nine months…And yes… my hormones are all over the place now…" Uncontrollable tears started to well and fall as I babbled on.

"I want to throw you down on the floor and have my way with you nearly every second you're around me… other than late at night when I want to throw up…but that's out of my control…"

"Fuck, Bella, here I thought the insatiable stuff was because we bought that how-to book with all the new positions and shit…You sure…I mean… you want to…"

I shook my head. For as smart as Edward was, he still refused to learn that much about the female body.

"Edward, that's kind of part of what happens… not to all women but definitely to me….hell, I ended up kissing Mike Newton at the prom last time I was experiencing pregnancy hormonal overload."

Edward glared.

_Oops…and crap. How could I let that name slip on today of all days?_

"Didn't I ever tell you that?" I asked meekly.

_Double crap._

"No," he growled.

"Oh…well, now you know." I tried to offer a weak smile.

He let out a long, slow breath through his nose and scanned his eyes down my body, thinking.

"Okay," he finally said quietly as if he was agreeing to some proposition.

He lifted me in his arms, like he had the day we stepped back into this house as husband and wife, and carried me back to our room.

"For all the places I like breaking in with you," he explained, laying me on our bed. "This is still my favorite."

He leaned forward, capturing my lips with his and pulling a moan from deep inside me.

My body broke out in tingles and I smiled. My hands were in his hair, caressing and lightly tugging. He grunted his approval.

"You know…I bet even now, no one would believe me if I told them how much of a romantic sap you can be sometimes," I joked.

He grinned and I noticed the tips of his ears turned pink with a blush. That made me laugh.

I expected him to give me some sarcastic retort. Instead he just stared at me-seeing straight to my soul and the place where I was overly sappy for him.

"Only with you, Bella."

I sighed and rested back against my pillow as his lips descended down my body, taking his sweet time at drawing out the anticipation.

"You're also a vicious tease," I grumbled when he bypassed my chest to continue kissing down my body.

He chuckled against my stomach. "Sorry, baby," he whispered as he peeled back the waist of the boxers I was wearing and pressed his lips to my scar.

He stilled his teasing for a moment and brought his finger out to run it along the pink line in my skin.

"Think we should tell everyone the news?" he wondered out loud.

I bit my lip. Telling people would be a big step for me. I was barely getting used to the idea that the test in the bathroom was right. I didn't think I was ready for the reality to set in just yet.

"Why don't we wait till after my doctor's appointment next week," I finally offered.

He nodded, still focused on my stomach.

"Hmm," he hummed.

"What?"

He scowled, still refusing to look up at me.

"Edward…" I prompted.

He shrugged. "It's gonna be sappy again," he grumbled.

I tried to stop the giggle that bubbled up. He could be so damn cute without even trying.

"I like it when you're sentimental, sweetheart," I promised him.

He finally looked me in the eyes, smiling lightly. "I…I kind of want to…if you don't mind…" he cleared his throat. "I wanna go to Victoria…visit…"

"Our daughter?" I finished.

He nodded, solemnly.

I traced the lines of his face with my finger. He was so damn beautiful.

He might tell me I was the most important thing in his world but he was by far the most special gift in my life.

I smiled. "I'd like that."

The crocked grin that went straight to my hormonal headquarters peeked out across his pretty face and I was lost.

"Enough with the talking," he growled.

He crawled back up my body, planting himself between my legs and nudging my knees further apart with his legs.

The first time I'd had sex with Edward I didn't know what I was doing. I knew what went where and that it would hurt. I had a firm grasp of how my body was supposed to react and what his body was going to do when he reached his climax.

I understood that what we did could lead to creating a child. Had been taught why it was important to be safe.

I knew all about the biology of it.

But I didn't know…couldn't fathom the reality of what I was doing.

Call it corny, sentimental…plain old sappy but when my body joined with his, our souls met.

I moaned as he entered me. His echoed cry reminded me that what I felt, he felt. Everything I experienced with Edward was symbiotic.

My back arched to meet his thrusts with my own—that old familiar haze of need and pleasure washing over me. Sweat. Lust. Need. Completion.

A reaffirmation of life.

Both the one we shared and the one that we'd created, that now grew inside of me.

I clenched around him as he filled me once more. Our lips joined together and our bodies were shuddering as one.

"You're one fucking amazing woman," he panted.

I smiled, loving the feel of his weight lightly pressing against me. I wrapped my legs around him, keeping him buried within.

"And you're going to be a daddy."

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**EPOV (Seattle, April, 2018)**

"That's the exit… isn't it?" Jazz asked I sped past the turn off on the freeway.

"Yeah, fuck, that was it."

I got off on the next exit and we tried to follow the streets back.

It felt like I was in a whole other world here.

The streets were familiar, sort of. But mostly I didn't recognize anything from our childhood.

Either the city had done some major remodeling or I had finally just let my memories go.

"There's the park," Jazz said suddenly.

I recognized that. We'd spent almost everyday at that damn place as kids.

I parked a block up the street from where we grew up.

I'd been notified a few weeks earlier that the building was completed on the site. I told Jazz it was supposed to be converted to apartments for college kids. I didn't really plan on us coming out to see what I'd really okayed for construction.

It felt pretentious to even say I had anything to do with it.

I was just the money.

I made some phone calls. Asked for some favors.

I wasn't going to be running the damn place.

But they asked me to come out and see it. After Bella told me she was pregnant… I wanted to prove to myself that I'd done some good in this world so I could look my kid in the eye and be proud to call myself their father.

"Masen House for Families," Jazz read from the bronze sign that was attached to the iron-gate out front.

He looked to me.

I was just staring at the building. They didn't tear down the house—they just expanded on it.

Like every other time I had returned to this place I found myself gripped in fear. I took a deep breath.

This was going to be a positive place from now on.

"It's a shelter for women and children…victims of…abuse," I said quietly.

"Are you shitting me?" he asked with raised eyebrows.

I glared at him.

"What?"

He shook his head and looked back at the house.

"That's just a little _Pollyanna_ for you, Edward. Never… shit, even I never thought to do something like this." He shrugged.

I frowned. "You help people, Jazz. This is the only way I can… Bella had Charlie's house turned into a shelter…I'm just stealing her idea, is all."

I kicked at the cement, glancing down and trying to keep myself from crying.

I didn't even know places like this could exist until I was an adult. I only knew foster homes and orphanages. Places where kids were shoved to be _watched _not helped.

I didn't believe that Tanya would have sought help at a place like this…but maybe she would've. Maybe if there were more places like this out there, she would have packed up and left Ed before he destroyed her, too…before he created the woman who would find all the other ways to hurt us that our father hadn't thought of.

I took a deep breath. That was in the past. Like I did whenever I thought of my lost mother, I hoped she was happy now. Maybe she just needed to not be in our lives. I hoped that whatever demons haunted her were at rest now too.

I couldn't change what happened to me, but maybe this place could help other kids find somewhere safe to live…not everyone had a Carlisle in their life.

"Yeah…fucking amazing, big brother," Jazz told me. He slapped his hand on my shoulder and walked through the gate.

I swallowed and took another deep breath.

I raised my hand to run my fingers along the word _Masen _on the sign. For all that they were evil…my parents _had_ created me.

I didn't force that name onto my union with Bella. We were Cullens now…and always would be, but I would never forget where I came from. And I would make damn sure that what was good about the Masen family would always live on.

"You coming?" Jazz said from the steps.

I nodded and joined him.

"Welcome to Masen House," a kind-looking woman said from the front desk.

We smiled and said hello to her. I didn't bother explaining who we were. We weren't anybody important, really.

Just the money.

I asked if we could look around and she gave us visitor badges. There were already some families staying here, and we were welcome to walk around but asked to give the families respect.

I liked that.

Respect.

You didn't get that a lot when you were in an abusive environment.

I knew that better than anyone.

We walked into what used to be our family room. My old piano was still there, against the fall wall next to the window.

There was a little girl sitting on the bench in front of it, pressing the keys randomly and quietly for a few moments.

"The old house doesn't look that much different, does it?" Jazz asked inspecting the paint on the walls.

I shook my head, my eyes still watching the young girl by the piano.

It was probably a stupid thing to do, but fuck, that was pretty much the other kind of things I did. I walked over to join her on the bench.

"May I sit here?" I asked her gently.

She flinched a little when she looked up at me. I immediately took a step back and held my hands up in a show of trust.

She'd been beaten.

There were kids who reacted like that because they were cautious of strangers, because their parents taught them to be. And then there were kids who flinched when a man was near them because they were used to getting hit by one.

I sat on the far end of the bench and offered her a friendly smile.

"I won't hurt you, I promise," I assured her in the most calming voice I could muster. "My name is Edward…I used to live here," I explained.

She watched me with wide eyes. I noticed that she had a scar on her upper lip.

Anger flared in me instantly.

_What the fuck gives anyone the right to hurt a kid? To think they need to hurt a kid?_

"Misty," she whispered, turning back to the keys. She sounded like he had a slight lisp from the damage in her lip.

"Do you play?" I asked, holding my ground at the end of the bench and making sure to not move unless she was watching me first.

I knew she'd only feel threatened if she didn't see what I was doing before I did it.

She shook her head. "No."

I nodded, making eye contact with her and turning to the keys when I knew she was okay with me moving.

"Well, I taught myself on this very piano. You want me to play something for you?"

Her eyes perked up, she nodded her head and watched my fingers as I started to play.

I was never one for recognizable tunes. Sure I could play _Mary had a Little Lamb_ but I didn't like to. So I opted to play her the song I composed for Bella. I pictured my girl in my head as the notes poured from my fingertips.

When I finished, I looked to Misty and she clapped.

She flashed a huge smile—with her lips pulled up in a smile, you couldn't even see the scar.

"Misty, what are you doing in here?" a woman's voice asked in annoyance.

"I'm so sorry if she's bothering you, sir," the woman apologized when I turned to defend that no one was bothered by the kid's presence.

I tried not to flinch outwardly. I'm not sure how well I hid it…I just kept reminding myself to respect the people we met here.

The woman wore a bandage across her nose that barely concealed the evidence of it being broken. She had bruises on her neck that looked like the shadows of fingers and she sported a scar on her lip that matched Misty's.

I wanted to show her the respect of looking her in the eye. She was a person and not just a bunch of abusive markers, but…it was like stepping back in time to see a mother look like that.

Tanya used to look like that.

I balled my fists and took a deep breath.

"She's not bothering me, ma'am," I said, offering a smile to the woman.

She look down at the girl, and back to me. "I probably shouldn't have brought her here," the lady explained.

I shifted uncomfortably as the woman discussed Misty like she wasn't there. The girl looked to be six or seven, but that didn't mean she didn't know what the fuck was going on.

"You did the right thing, ma'am," I assured her standing up. "You're together and you're safe," I reminded her.

I smiled to her and waved to Misty as I turned to join my brother.

"You will never cease to surprise me, Edward," Jazz informed me with one of those sappy-ass smiles of pride he liked to throw at me.

"Shut up," I grumbled.

"Mr. Cullen?" a kind voice said from what used to be a dining room. It looked like they had converted it to library. Kids were sitting at small tables reading, and one woman was in the corner on a computer.

The owner of the voice was standing by the door, an elderly lady who appeared to be in her late sixties, her gray hair in short curls around her face, a kind yet sad smile playing around her mouth. She reached out to shake our hands as we entered.

"I don't know if you remember me," she started. I shot Jazz a questioning glance and he just shrugged.

"I'm Mrs. Butler. I…I was the nurse on duty the night your father passed. I sat with you boys in the waiting room."

Ed Masen had died of a heart attack, a rather humane way for him to go in my opinion. I didn't remember much about that night.

I just remembered…

"You brought us ice cream," I said, still a little lost in the fuzzy memory.

She smiled. "Yep, that was me."

"Are you still working at the hospital?" Jazz inquired.

"No, I retired a few years ago… I just volunteer at different shelters and clinics around the city now. I spend a few days a week here. You wouldn't believe…" she trailed off as she realized we probably would know just exactly how the families that showed up here look.

"It's a mighty fine and generous gift you've given this community with this shelter, Edward. Thank you." She reached her hand out to shake mine again.

I shook her hand but turned to leave immediately.

Jazz stayed inside of a little while longer. I just walked to the corner. From that spot I could see the park—see the tree that Ed smashed into.

My hands were nervous without a cigarette to smoke. I didn't really mind.

I quit smoking the day Bella agreed to marry me. It was a useless habit anyway.

Why kill myself faster?

I never missed the smoke so much as I missed the ritual of smoking. It helped calm my nerves.

"You ready to go, big brother?" Jazz asked eventually.

I looked around. The park, the house, hell even the sidewalk were all echoes of a life I barely recognized anymore.

I thought of the girl and woman that I'd just met in the house—felt the anger in my stomach over the evidence that they had suffered the same shit I knew all too well.

I couldn't help everyone. I could only hope to give them the opportunity to help themselves.

Suddenly in my mind I could see a chessboard—my hand moving to secure a victory.

_The son-of-a-bitch had done it. _

"Fuck," I muttered as we got back into the car.

"What?" Jazz asked.

"I'm turning into Erebos," I grumbled.

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**BPOV (June 2018)**

I sat on the couch with my laptop open. The blinking cursor was like a visual reminder of my frustrated brain. It appeared like a spark of creativity and then suddenly disappeared like the dawn of a dreaded block, only to reappear like a little taunting bitch.

Beside me, Edward was lightly snoring. I chanced a peek at him and smiled. He was so freaking adorable when he slept. My mind finally cleared as I watched him- inspiration.

His eyes. They were closed right now, but I would talk about his eyes. My fingers rose just above the keys.

Suddenly, a nose was pressing into my stomach and I squeaked as Edward's head flopped in my lap. He never once opened his eyes. In fact, as I looked down at him and tried to glare, he never once broke his snore. He just burrowed over to me like my lap was his own personal pillow.

In his sleep, he mewed and his face puckered like he just knew I was thinking mean things about him. I sighed. I tried leaning forward slightly to put my treasured computer on the coffee table.

Being five months pregnant, I gave up and just closed the device, letting it slide down to the floor.

He whimpered again in unconsciousness and I smiled. I sat back, running my fingers through his unruly sexy-ass hair. His body released whatever remaining snippets of tension it held, and he sighed.

That made my heart burst. To know that he, even in a completely unaware state, needed and wanted me that badly.

He was exhausted presently due to the construction work that the three Cullen men had taken on. I couldn't complain really, my backyard looked awesome now. There was a patio that led to a covered deck out on the water of our lake. We had a gazebo and a surrounding flower garden that was just beginning to bloom.

He smacked his lips and muttered the classic Edward _fuck_ under his breath.

"What are you doing?" he asked. It was a half sigh, half groan and there was little sound to it.

I tried to lean down to give his lips a tiny peck, but my belly prevented me from doing anything but huffing and flopping back like I'd been doing sit ups.

Before I could respond in any way, he was back out, like a light.

"Poor baby," I laughed quietly. He really was wearing himself out with all the work he was doing.

I ran my index finger over his temple and followed the succulent line down his cheek and to his lips. He leaned forward ever so slightly to follow the warmth of my finger as I pulled it away.

"I love you," I whispered. I laced my fingers with his over his chest and gave his hand a squeeze.

"Mine," he spoke clearly and quietly.

I smiled.

"Forever," I promised.

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**APOV (September 2018)**

"Carlisle, do you have the… fucking hell!"

"Just breathe, Edward," Bella said from the passenger seat.

I snickered in the back. Jazz hit my knee and tried to not smirk as he frowned. I shrugged my shoulders.

"Are you sure you can drive, Edward?" I asked in all honesty.

Edward adjusted his Bluetooth and scowled in the rearview mirror at me.

"Dad, get them prepped, we're on our way…. Fuck! Did anyone get the fucking bag?" Edward was whiter than a ghost and covered in sweat from head to toe.

Bella grabbed his face in her hand. "Edward, look at me… in to my eyes… good, now breathe… in…"

The whole car took a deep breath.

"Out…"

Again, we all took another deep breath.

"I'm sorry," I teased, leaning up between the two front seats. "Which one of you is in labor again?"

Edward growled as he turned to bite my head off.

"Come on, Jazz—let's switch."

It didn't take much protest. Once I pointed out that Edward didn't want Bella, and the rest of us, to be hurt in a car crash because he was in no condition to drive, he all but leaped from the driver's seat.

Jazz settled in and adjusted the mirrors. He also stole the Bluetooth from our brother and was talking to Dad. Edward eased Bella and her enormous belly into the back seat and slid in beside her.

It was possibly the sweetest thing I had ever seen. Both of them were desperate to calm and comfort the other one. Bella was having a better time at keeping herself under control while she stilled Edward's hysteria. Though I couldn't blame him—this was all completely out of his control now. It was nature's turn to take over. That was some scary shit to deal with.

Another contraction hit her as we turned on to Main Street. Her breath hissed between tightly clenched teeth and her hands were white knuckled as they locked around his.

"That's it, baby…" Edward was saying… funny, he was completely cool when it came to helping her through the pain.

_So Edward_.

"Breathe… good… good girl." Damn, Edward's voice made me almost want to cry. Even with as much love and devotion as I knew Jazz had for me, I had never witnessed anything that sounded as loving as his voice when he spoke to Bella. It was some kind of powerful magic that those two had on each other.

"We're here," Jazz said—to Dad or to his passengers, I wasn't sure.

Dad and Mom and some nurses were waiting by the door to help Bella inside. He rolled a wheelchair over and Edward lowered her down with extreme care.

"Why the fuck is this happening so soon?" Edward couldn't hide the intense fear welling inside of him anymore. It was no secret that he had been anxious for all nine months of Bella's pregnancy, especially once they found out that she was carrying twins.

He became so obsessed with taking care of her that he never left her alone, and he'd even taken up reading medical journals in his free time. He would not breathe easy until mother and children were safely through the delivery.

"I thought you said it would be a fucking cesarean… it's fucking scheduled for next week. Why the fuck is she going into labor so soon?"

Edward was practically shaking with worry as he spoke to Dad. Luckily, the nurses had already started wheeling Bella inside. We weren't too far behind her—Edward had a very short steel leash tied around his body extending to Bella's, but hopefully she wouldn't have to hear her husband's tantrum.

"Calm yourself, Edward," Dad said in his gentle voice. How he kept everything so sure and so calm all the time was beyond me.

Mom was standing over Bella and patting her stomach as I came up to her other side.

"You ready for this, Sis?" I asked with my eyes twinkling. I was bouncing with joy at the thought of two new little perfect lives coming into ours. My son – I still couldn't believe I was a mother – was staying with some friends for the weekend.

I couldn't wait to see Edward and Bella as parents. It was something you just couldn't describe to people.

Changed your world completely.

"Yes," Bella breathed. She was so happy—and so motherly, it was almost disgusting.

"I just wish…" Bella's eyes fell slightly and I knew what she meant.

I could feel them with us, though. Rose and Em. They were totally standing right beside us as our little baby Bella got ready to start the next generation of Cullen kids.

My eyes filled with tears.

"I know. They are," I assured her. A tear slipped down her cheek and mom smoothed it away.

"No tears of sadness today, sweetheart," she said, though her eyes were filled with tears of her own.

"Your brother would be so proud of you," she told her.

I sniffed a little when she said it. I could just see Em throwing his arms around his baby sister and loving those twins with more heart than all of us combined. And Rose… well, Rose would have been in the delivery room, waiting to welcome them.

Jazz came up behind me and wound his arms around my waist. His chin rested on my shoulder as we watched Mom and Dad shuffle Bella and her nearly catatonic husband into the elevator.

"Hold the goddamn door!" I heard Edward yell. His head popped out and his face was angry as he whipped it around to find us.

"Get the fuck over here!" he yelled, glaring at us. Jazz and I jumped to comply. The entire lobby of the hospital was scowling at us.

"I want my whole fucking family there," Edward said quietly as we joined them in the tiny space.

Bella just beamed up at her crazy husband. He shoved himself down to kneel beside her. He smoothed his hand across her stomach and kissed her cheek. Another tear slid down mine unchecked. Jazz tightened his arms around me.

Once we were on the delivery floor, Jazz, Mom and I were sent to the waiting room. It was close enough that Dad could check in with us. Bella was set to have a cesarean so it was just a matter of the prep and surgery.

"She's going in now. And everything is perfect," Dad said—mostly to his wife, but Jazz and I smiled at the news. He draped his arm across my shoulders and would give me a squeeze every now and then.

It was only about ten minutes later that I noticed the first nurse head down the hall, towards the delivery room. I didn't think anything of it until I saw two more rush down there. Something told me not to worry—everything was alright with Bella.

But still I wondered.

Suddenly, a gurney pushed past the door and my brother was lying on it, unconscious. A nurse walked behind him holding a bandage to his forehead. I jumped to my feet with Jazz right on top of me. Mom was already inching out the door to follow him.

"It's okay," Dad was saying—running down the hall from the delivery room. "Esme—would you mind going in with Bella? The babies have arrived—a girl and a boy."

We all tried to show the proper level of excitement but Edward was still sitting at the end of the hall, dead to the world.

"Edward was fine until the girl was born. Once they both were out, he just… went down."

I tried not to giggle—honestly. But it was too much—big No-Nonsense-Mr.-Fucking-Collected Edward Cullen fainted at the sight of his children being born. I could hear Em's booming laugh in my head even as I tried to look serious.

That didn't last long—Jazz was chuckling behind me almost before Dad was finished describing how he bumped his head on the gurney when he tried to pull himself up. It wasn't funny really—he could have been hurt. But since he wasn't... it was a tad funny.

Mom frowned as she looked over at us on her way to the delivery room. Bella would be going into post and we could go down to the nursery and see our niece and nephew. Suddenly, the world seemed instantly brighter and full of possibilities.

I looked down the hall again at Edward. Other than the drool and a big red bump on his forehead he just looked like he was sleeping.

"They'll move him in with Bella once she gets her room," Dad said. "He'll have a headache but he'll be fine."

Jazz and I, and even Dad to some extent, tried to hide our snickers as we went down to see the youngest Cullens.

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**EPOV (Same day)**

I groaned as the world started to come back to me. I wondered what time it was. Bella was usually good about waking me up first thing. Hell, she had to pee so damn much we were up every hour anyway. It was impossible for women who were nine months pregnant with twins to get out of bed unassisted. That was fine by me.

I loved helping Bella do anything.

I reached my arm out to her side of the bed. I would just hold her hand for now. Her hormonal state for the last couple of months had made her irritable like a grizzly bear when she got too much touching in bed—or not enough touching in bed. I usually waited for her to give me a sign of what she wanted. I smoothed my hand across the sheet—nothing.

My heart leaped into my throat.

"Bella!" I yelled sitting up in bed and throwing my eyes open.

I groaned again but this time because the room was spinning around me.

"Fuck…" I grunted. I could feel my stomach preparing to empty. I closed my mouth and fought back the spasm.

"Edward." The most beautiful sigh came from beside me—my world stilled at the sound.

I turned to find my wife, my Bella, smiling her loving smile at me.

_Fuck. Totally fucked_.

I smiled back at her—helpless to resist.

Then I realized that she was in a separate bed from me… and she was wearing a hospital gown… and there were tubes stuck out of her hand… the vomit was rising again.

_Fucking pussy, Cullen! Man up, motherfucker!_

"Edward?" Bella's eyes showed the concern that even I was feeling for a relapse in my vertical deficiency. "Should I buzz the nurse?"

A sweat broke out on my forehead and I remembered… the blood. All the blood. The babies were covered in it. Bella's blood. Bella bleeding. I groaned once more and moved my knees up on the bed and put my head between them.

Okay, there probably wasn't that much blood but I sure as shit felt like it was a horror film in that room.

"Edward?" she tried once more. I was working on it—fucking trying really hard to just focus on her voice… but there was a dull ringing that was blocking out every other sound… until…

There was a light cooing in the space between my bed and Bella's. My head snapped up at the sound. I sat astonished to see two sets of tiny hands moving just above the edge of the bassinets.

I wanted to cry like a bitch at the sight.

My babies. I looked at Bella and she was fucking glowing. Our babies.

_Fuck. _

"You wanna hold them?" she whispered.

_Fuck. Could I?_

I'd never held anything so fucking tiny and breakable before, but then one of them started to cry and all at once, I _had_ to fucking hold them.

I steadied myself on the edge of their bassinets and flopped down when I reached the side of Bella's bed. She raised her bed up. I leaned down to kiss her.

"Thank you," I breathed as her lips found mine. I rested my forehead against hers and took a deep breath, pulling in her scent to calm me.

Then both kids started calling for our attention.

"Reality check," Bella laughed. Just like it had all of my life, the sound of her joy made my mind go goofy.

I looked back at the two squirming bundles. Bella rested her cheek on my shoulder. I was at a total fucking loss.

"What do I do?"

Bella kissed my neck and in her most patient voice she told me.

"Pick one up."

I swallowed hard. I was so terrified of crushing the fragile lump.

I used my foot to bring the cart closer. This one was dressed in a blue cap and swaddled in a navy blue blanket. I assumed this was our boy. I supported his head with one hand and scooted my other hand under his still squirming body. Though he was something so huge to me, he was lighter than air once his body was in my grasp.

The moment was awesome.

When Bella told me she wanted to have my child… I began to hope more than I ever had in my entire life. And when the test showed that she was pregnant, I actually shook with the reality of my life. When I saw him and his sister on the monitor six months ago, I was changed. When I heard their heartbeats, I wanted to cry. When I felt them kick me through their mother's womb, I knew there was nothing I wouldn't do to protect them.

But right now…holding him in my hands…knowing that I helped create him and that I was now responsible for his survival and happiness… there weren't any words for that.

I turned to Bella. She was crying soft tears as she watched me.

"I know," she breathed. I nodded and took a deep breath. My daughter refused to be ignored. She began crying louder as if she knew her brother was sharing in something she was missing. I smirked at that. It looked like I was getting a mini Bella to take home, too.

Bella smiled as I eased our son into her waiting arms. He immediately nestled his nose and face against her breasts.

_Yep—that's my boy_.

My daughter had been wearing a pink cap. She had removed it by herself, and her blanket had become unwound in her struggles for attention. I couldn't resist chuckling as I lifted her up.

_Get ready for this one to be spoiled,_ I told myself. I had a thing for Cullen girls—they all deserved my undivided attention.

Unlike her brother, who seemed content to sleep away his first month of life, her eyes were wide and expressive as I eased her into the crook of my arm. I brought one leg up on the bed and turned toward Bella.

She was playing with our son's tiny fingers and kissing his soft forehead. So that's what I did with my girl. She smelled good, a lot like Bella in some ways.

She was roses though, not heather, but I couldn't miss the raindrops. That was her mother and so it would always be a part of her, too. Her little lips puckered around an 'o' shape as I pulled away. I smiled and leaned in to rub my nose against hers. Her tiny fingers grasped my one finger with an impressive strength. That was Bella, too—the strongest woman I knew.

"Edward?" I can't explain what emotion was pulsing through me when I looked up at her. I knew it was shining in my eyes because I could see it mirrored in hers. This was new. It was overwhelming.

"Fuck, Bella," I whispered. She laughed and playfully covered our son's ears.

"We'll have to work on that around these two with you," she scolded.

I gave her my crooked smile. "You mean we're going to censor our kids and force them to become drones?"

She shrugged. "It's either that or home school them. I mean… I have a feeling they'll get kicked out of kindergarten if their one method of expressing frustration is to yell fuck."

I threw my head back and laughed. "True."

She winked and we both went back to watching our children.

"What do you want to name them?" she whispered.

My mind went blank.

_How did a person decide that?_

These two precious creatures were symbols… they were kids, but they were also the reminder that their parent's love could survive anything. And they were tough. The doctors had said a second pregnancy, as well as it being a multiple birth, would take a lot out of Bella—but they were perfect from start to finish.

I shrugged my shoulders and looked up at her. "Any ideas?"

There were more tears in her eyes now. I scooted closer—ever mindful of the precious bundle in my arms.

"Bella?" My voice couldn't hide the worry.

"I know you… you wanted to name your son Edward… and you know how I feel about naming kids after other people… but… I just thought…" Her eyes cast down to our children and I tried to make sense of her words.

"What, Bella? Tell me."

"What about Emmett and Rosalie?...For middle names…" she added quickly.

I looked at the face of my daughter. Her dark brown eyes were watching me with the same intensity that I had always watched her mother with. She reminded me of Rose. This kid wouldn't take any crap from anybody. And then there was our son—content to just rest against a sweet breast. I chuckled.

"I do think they can handle the legacy," I agreed. "But what do we call them for first names?" I asked, feeling like a moron.

We'd had practically nine whole months to think of names. But we just didn't talk about it.

Bella would smile when we talked about the future—where they would go to school and what kind of dreams they might have. She loved decorating their room but names… we never talked about names.

I'd finally had a long talk with Alec. After the doctor confirmed that she was pregnant I had to make sure I knew how to…handle talking to my wife. He reassured me that she was excited about being pregnant and us starting a family but reminded me to go slow.

Bella didn't want to name our babies till she met them—saw that they were alive and safe.

I swallowed, watching my daughter squirm in my arms. Life was such a precious, delicate thing.

"I've always liked the name Emily," I offered. I didn't remember where I'd heard it—probably in one of the many temporary homes my brother and I had lived in our childhood – but I had always thought the name sounded pretty.

"Emily Rose," Bella whispered. I could hear the smile in her voice.

"And what about you, little mister?" she asked, looking down to her chest where our son had all but dozed off once more. He had pouty, tiny lips that curve into a small smirk as he slipped into slumber.

Typical Cullen boy.

I smirked. "Think we'll have to lock him up some day?" I joked.

Bella smiled. "I think you need a strong, classic name like your father."

I sighed. "Are you calling me old?"

My lips formed a mock-pout.

Bella giggled.

"No. Classic is not _old._ It's traditional… stable…classic." She shrugged.

I raised an eyebrow and thought about that—scrolling through all the fuddy-duddy names in my mind.

"I used to do business with a guy named Ephraim."

Bella stuck out her tongue and made a face. I laughed. "I said classic, not ancient."

"Oh…my mistake," I conceded sarcastically. I cuddled Emily…she had a name and it was Emily…in the crook of my arm.

"Well?" I probed my all but silent wife.

Bella was biting her lip. "Garrett?"

"Garrett Emmett? The kid's gonna resent the letter T the second he loses his first tooth."

She agreed with a nod of her head.

"Harold? Martin? William?"

"William," I echoed. I liked that sound of that one.

"William Emmett," Bella repeated. We both looked down to find our son snoring lightly.

"I wish your uncle could've met you," Bella whispered with tears in her voice.

I scooted closer to her, putting my free hand on her leg.

She smiled up at me through her tears. And I rolled my eyes—mostly to keep tears from forming in my own. I truly hoped the hormones leveled out in my house soon. It didn't bode well for me to be sporting this vagina with a son looking up to me now.

"Thank you, Edward." She squeezed my hand with hers, and I leaned in to kiss her.

"No, thank you, sweetheart. Thank you for loving me and letting me love you. And for these," I added, nodding at the now sleeping twins.

"You are an amazing creature, Isabella Cullen."

She smiled and kissed my lips reverently. "Back at you, handsome."

We were making out like two lovesick teenagers when I felt Alice's hand ease over my shoulder.

"Has your medication worn off yet, Edward? I really don't think I can stand too many more bars of 'Oh what a beautiful morning'."

Bella snickered and I growled at my little sister.

"I did not sing." My ears turned pink as I remembered collapsing in the delivery room though.

_Fuck, I was such a pussy when it came to watching Bella bleed_.

"Yes, you did," Bella said, smirking at me.

"Really?" Mortification was only one level of what I felt right now.

"I personally I think you have a wonderful voice, dear," Esme said, sitting down on the other side of Bella's bed.

_Fuck me_.

"Jazz? Dad?"

"Well… you're no Hugh Jackman, but… the nurses seemed to enjoy the encore," Dad assured me as he put his arm around Esme's shoulders. Jazz sat on my now empty bed—watching me with those dopey eyes that he always had when we were kids.

"Whatever," I mumbled. I went back to watching my daughter. She yawned—big and adorable. Then she turned and nestled her cheek against my chest.

_So Bella_.

"I hate to bother everyone… but they really weren't supposed to drop off like that… it's, um…" Bella bit her lip and I frowned to try and riddle out what she was saying.

"It's feeding time."

Her cheeks grew pink.

I cleared my throat.

"Out!" I barked at everyone. It was getting too 'there's no place like home' in here anyway.

Esme stopped to put her hand against my cheek before she left. My chest swelled with pride as she left. One did not take for granted the respect of Esme Cullen.

_Wow. Fuck. I really did it, didn't I? I was a fucking responsible adult now. A husband. A daddy_.

_Fuck. These two perfect kids were mine. And fuck—that perfect, beautiful woman who was dropping the front of her gown down to expose my favorite part of her body was really mine, too. What the fuck did I do to deserve this?_

"Okay, Edward. Put her…Emily…" She looked up at me and beamed at the sound of our daughter's name. "Lay her on my left side… good."

She was magnificent. Bella held them both—nursed them both. She was a one woman show.

"I'm feeling rather unnecessary right now," I scowled—chomping at the bit to get to hold one of them again.

Bella giggled. There went my brain again.

"You are infinitely necessary, baby." She leaned up and I took my cue. I kissed her lips like it was my one purpose in life.

"Fuck," I whispered against her lips. When she leaned back, I was surprised to see two pairs of little eyes watching me as they continued to grunt and slurp while drinking their mother's milk.

I would have to start a swear jar.

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**BPOV**

It was dark.

At this time of night it was always dark.

The rain fell gently on the covered deck that led to the lake in the back yard.

The moon was full and glowing through patches of open sky between the thick clouds.

The house was quiet.

The kids slept silently in their rooms.

I didn't have any more answers today than I'd had all those years ago when I stared out a matching window like this one, wishing the world made sense.

I wondered if I would ever have answers to the questions that drew me out of my bed at night like this.

I felt his arms wind around my waist from behind. His lips were pressed softly to the back of my hair.

We didn't speak.

We just stared out the window.

Facing the world.

Together.


	41. Outtake 1: Stolen Moment

**Bookends Outtake.**

**Set in the past- Right before Esme married Charlie.**

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**Esme POV**

I scowled at her hands and she folded them over her slightly protruding belly. It was his. I just knew it was.

I bit the inside of my cheek. I was getting married in less than a week. I should have been ecstatic. But as with everything else in my life, Mary one-upped me.

I loved Charlie.

But I loved Carlisle too… and first…and more importantly I…_wanted _Carlisle.

My heart sunk at the thought. I had disjointed memories of the blonde god I grew up next door to. Most of them were clouded by this unspoken desire that I had- even as a kid. I was drawn to Carlisle Cullen with some kind of unnatural force.

Mary smiled over her magazine and clicked her gum against the backside of her teeth.

Why couldn't I be happy for her? What had changed in me recently that made it so hard for me to want to be happy for them both?

_Right, I settled for Charlie and now she was getting the life I wanted._

Charlie slid into the booth next to me. I forced a smile. It felt weird- faking anything with Charlie. He was my first and only boyfriend. Charlie was just a part of my life—someone who was always there for me.

Mary had looked confused beyond the telling of it when I told her that Charlie proposed. She actually had the nerve to ask for what. I couldn't understand why. Didn't it seem natural that I end up with Charlie? Who did Mary think I belonged with that could compare?

Carlisle?

I smirked around my straw. Charlie had gotten me a strawberry milkshake. I felt well taken care of—even though I preferred chocolate to strawberry. It was the thought that count. He was very good at thinking about me, being conscious of my presence. He was a natural husband from the moment I met him.

Another thing to smirk about. Mary might be carrying his kid, but she wasn't Carlisle's wife. I was going to beat her on that.

Inner Esme did a touchdown dance in the end zone.

"You still moving back to PA in the fall, Chuck?" Mary asked as if I hadn't already filled her in on the details in his absence.

I studied my friend. I suddenly lost my competitive edge, and had no desire to beat her. She was casting her eyes, full of judgment and amusement, at me occasionally as she talked to my fiancé. No. I had desire to make Mary feel the way she always sought to make me feel.

It wasn't a fun feeling.

Mary was inadvertently reminding me that my husband would be living in Port Angeles while I went back to Forks. It was for my job. I wanted to be police chief. Wanted to make my daddy proud. When I was hired on a deputy in Forks, well it was the job of my dreams to be back home in Forks and working at the station. PA had cops too, but they just weren't the cops I wanted to be.

I bit my upper lip. If I wanted to be a good wife, like Charlie deserved, I would need to leave my dreams in Forks. Reality was what we lived. Dreams were what we could never have.

_Thanks, Mary._

"When's the party?" Mary snapped me from my sad musing. I blinked at her in ignorance.

"The wedding is in four days," I offered feebly. I really thought this time she would remember the date. It was less than a week away… and on Christmas day.

She sighed, that dramatic sigh that said, _god I wish you were my smart friend_, and then she glared at me. "No, Ez, when is the bachelorette party… you know, the send off of your innocence." She wiggled her eyebrows.

I flushed and bit my lip again. My eggs were getting cold and I had no intention of eating any more of them, but I didn't want to look up at either of the two in the booth with me. It was no secret that Esme Whitlock was the last living virgin from Forks High. It never felt unnatural to me to wait. I had been Charlie's girlfriend since my freshman year in high school. He never pressured me for anything.

And I never felt the desire for it with Charlie, as a teenager. Abstinence was easy in high school. I never really wanted to have sex… well I wouldn't say _never_ wanted to do it… especially when I watched Carlisle and Mary make out in the meadow.

I blushed up to the tips of my ears as the memory of my first kiss washed over me. That night at Push Carlisle's lips had been parted in fear for my life, his breath was like the air I needed to fill my lungs for survival. Lips so smooth and strong that I wanted them to possess me. And a taste that I could still catch hints of on the back of my tongue when I was lost in dreams at night.

I shook my head. I would grow to want my husband the same way. Carlisle had just been a fantasy for so long that it was hard to think of Charlie in those terms. But…the loss of my innocence, as Mary put it, would change my attitude towards sex. I had no doubt.

"How 'bout we do it Wednesday? That gives us a day between the party and the wedding."

I wanted to roll my eyes at the word party. It would probably just be Mary and me. I didn't really have any other female friends.

Mary's eyes grew wide and they shimmered with excitement.

_Crap. What the hell did that mean?_

"What?" I asked dropping my fork into my eggs.

"Carlisle gets in that night," she breathed with reverence.

_Crap_.

**-**-Bookends-**-**

I had really believed I could handle this. Told myself for the past two days that it would be no big deal to do this. My knees knocked together as I sat and waited in the car, parked in the white zone. Loading and unloading. It felt weird to even suggest I join Mary at the gate when he arrived.

Not wrong. Just… not appropriate.

I was getting married in two days. It was time that school girl crush ended.

I was determined this morning, smiling at the thought of seeing my old friend. Just that. A friend. Mary and I were practically like old times as I drove us to PA to pick him up. I wasn't resentful of the fact that she was going to have the life I wanted, and for once she wasn't rubbing it in that she was in fact living that life.

But now, sitting out here with my brain filled with this over confidence, I was losing my focus. I just kept seeing, and feeling his arms wrapped around me that night in his house. The night his dad died. The night I held him in my arms and let him cry out his pain.

Mary could never do that for him. He deserved someone who understood that he needed that.

I shook my head. I was a bobble-head doll when it came to Mr. Cullen it seemed. I was not the other woman. I was Charlie's. End of story.

There was a tingling sensation on the back of my neck not ten minutes later. I was watching the planes taking off in the distance, but I knew when I turned what I would see. They emerged from the middle set of doors- Mary with a wide, bright grin, and Carlisle with a pale, ashen face.

Inner Esme gloated selfishly at his look. He wasn't happy about the circumstances. And Mary hadn't warned him that she was pregnant. "Typical," I whispered. One of these days he would have to wise up to the fact that she played him so easily. One of these days he should wake and up and realize that I would never abuse him that way. Inner Esme was floating on the high of that possibility.

Then outer Esme put her left hand on the steering wheel and remembered there was a ring on her finger there that said stop thinking those thoughts.

I sighed and got out to pop open the trunk. "Hey," I offered quietly with a shy grin as he reached the back of the car.

For all that I was intimidated by him Carlisle always put me at ease with his presence. His look of mild terror melted away as he looked down at me. I had to turn my attention quickly to the business of storing his bags because the look in his eyes…

I cursed my luck for the millionth time in my life. Why did he have to be so drawn to Mary? Clearly there was something between Carlisle and me.

_Yes… you're very good friends. You're like the mother he lost as a kid. _My inner voice chided._ You're plain, Esme. He likes girls who are interesting and dangerous… like him._

I got back into the driver's seat and tried to ignore the face sucking in the back. I cleared my throat and shook my keys. "Hate to break this up…but where am I going?"

I had begged Mary to let me drive the truck so that she and Carlisle could have privacy while driving to wherever it was we were going. She had claimed she wanted tonight to be a surprise. Hence, we all had to ride together. I shuddered at the possibility of Mary and surprises. The fact that she was bringing Carlisle along to whatever she wanted to do to me tonight….well that was no surprise. Mary never passed up an opportunity to remind me he was hers.

She smacked her lips and never took her eyes off him. I watched them in the rearview mirror- his eyes burned with a need for her too. Inner Esme sighed at that. "1901 E …Marina."

I started the car and headed back towards the oceanfront part of town… Marina… why did that sound familiar?

"OH MY GOD!" I yelled and slammed on the breaks.

"Ez! Easy! Lady with a BABY!" Mary shouted, Carlisle's hand slid from where it was meant to brace him for the sudden stop and his nose was suddenly against my neck. I blushed as our eyes met over my shoulder.

"What's up, E?" he whispered, seemingly ignoring the mother of his child and her one woman melodrama firing up next to him.

"That's the drag club isn't it?"

Mary giggled and I glared. Carlisle cleared his throat. "A drag club in Port Angeles? It's a town not even big enough for two movie theaters."

Mary giggled again. "It's a seasonal tour thing. A bunch of guys from down south in California are up here to warm us in the cold winter months."

I snorted. "They are here to warm _us _up Mary?"

Carlisle laughed out loud.

Inner Esme squeezed up tight at the sound. He had such a beautiful voice.

"Are you serious, Mare?"

"Well I for one have been dying to see the acts. My mom used to work for a drag act, you know. Very Vitcor/Victoria." She glared out the side window and I drove to the address silently. It was never a good thing when Mary brought up talk of her mother. It usually meant she was hoping to see her… or still considering becoming her. I frankly was surprised that Mary didn't run away in high school.

She was so much like her mother it was scary.

The sun was barely setting as we neared the club. Great. We were at a drag club, in the middle of nowhere, and we were early for business. This was going to be one long freaking night.

I turned the engine off, stunned when my door suddenly opened. Carlisle was smiling down at me with his hand offered to help me out. With his wide grin of white shining teeth and sparkling eyes, I was dazzled, and stupefied.

I shook my head, and got out.

"Here Mare," I handed her the keys. It was her car after all. And she was obviously going to be the designated driver since there was no way she was drinking. She cocked her eyebrow at me all knowing.

"I've never seen you get drunk before Ez." It was a challenge. Carlisle smirked at his… _woman's _comment and turned his eyes back to me. Midnight blue warmth that made me want to melt away- or at least hide.

"Then keep your eyes open tonight."

**-**-Bookends-**-**

_This is the last one. Yep_. Inner Esme giggled as I grabbed two more shots from the tray being passed around. This was fun. Sort of…

I kicked off my shoes and watched the very well built Gloria Estefan look-a-like belt out a tune that made me want to shake my body to the beat. I laughed at the thought. Mary glared back at me.

It was inner Esme who was having the fun. Outer Esme was scowling and throwing back another shot each time Mary ran back to the table and threw herself into Carlisle's arms. She was having fun….Mary. She was dancing and howling.

At one point she joined the Cher impersonator on stage and pretended to be her Sonny Bono. The only plus side to the night was watching the amount of booze Carlisle was going through too.

Somebody wasn't happy either. Inner Esme giggled again, and hiccupped. The room was getting hot- really hot. And the longer I sat there, the more all I wanted to do was strip that blond god next to me down and have my way with him right there- in the middle of the dance floor.

Inner Esme moaned. I rolled my eyes.

Mary came back to the table and slipped something into Carlisle's pocket. Fuck. It was so sexy that he was wearing that same damn leather jacket. He always looked sexy in that thing.

"I'm getting tired," she whined. I kicked back a shot. "You don't mind if we cut the night short do you, Ez?"

I was at a loss for words. We were sitting at a party that I didn't even want, in a place I never would have picked to go and now she was asking if it bothered me that we end the night earlier than I had anticipated.

I was far too drunk to process it.

But I was sober enough to know that Mary could drive us home and we'd be safe. I nodded and started to collect my bag and jacket.

We were staying at a motel not too far from here. And Mary had promised my truck would be waiting in the parking lot of said hotel so I would be able to sneak back to Forks early tomorrow morning.

"No," I froze when I heard him speak. I would have expected Carlisle's words to be slurred. He's put away more shots than me. I cocked my head to the side and watched him. I couldn't ever remember seeing him drunk. I wanted to giggle at the thought of seeing him lose total control.

"I'll stay. You take the car and we'll get a cab…or walk."

She swooped in and claimed his mouth with hers. Her tongue diving down to his stomach. Inner Esme fell out of her chair. Unlike every other time I had witnessed their mouth-mating, I didn't want to look away. I wanted to join in.

I shook my head. Big mistake with the level of alcohol I had consumed.

Whoa. Inner Esme was holding her head down and hoping the earthquake would end quickly.

When I looked back, Mary was gone, without a single word to me. Carlisle looked at me sheepishly. His cheeks were flushed scarlet apparently I wasn't the only one who was overheated here. And his eyes were swimming in inebriation.

Inner Esme popped up and giggled at the thought. _A drunken Carlisle all to myself?_ I snorted at the possibility.

"And she's my maid of honor," I grumbled in disgust as I caught sight of Mary exiting the bar.

Carlisle's head cocked to the side and his eyes darted between me and his woman.

Whoops. Inner Esme stumbled to the bathroom. That thought slipped past my lips.

"You wanna leave?" he asked.

I nodded. I felt bold from the booze and now that we were alone I wanted… to be alone with him.

The air was crisp and fresh though freezing once we were in the parking lot. I had worn the most ridiculous outfit to the club- mainly because Mary had told me to. Now I was standing outside in possible snowy conditions and practically naked.

He shrugged out of his jacket- the jacket- and draped it around my shoulders. I felt like I poofed into a cloud of smoke when the fabric touched my skin. It was like being wrapped in Carlisle. It smelled like him, and that meant that when I took it off later, I would smell like him because it had touched me.

I shivered. I was going weak in the knees at the thought.

He asked me about the immediate future.

Inner Esme seemed to sit up straighter as he did. He was avoiding something. He never made small talk. Carlisle and I were used to just sitting around together. We didn't need to talk to enjoy the other one's company.

_He's afraid to be alone with you too_, an inner warning whispered across my mind.

Afraid? I wasn't afraid of Carlisle.

I looked over at him. His eyes were slightly glazed and his jaw was relaxed. The intensity that seemed to keep him wound like a top ready to spin was not visible. For some reason I couldn't even explain, I realized that that sight terrified me.

The stars were aligned and here we sat, with the perfect excuse to act on impulse and forget it in the morning.

All of these possibilities were dancing in the back of my mind as I kept up a surface conversation about my future in-laws.

Suddenly he offered for us to leave.

I all but leapt into his arms.

_Steady_, inner Esme cautioned. _Steady_.

**-**-Bookends-**-**

In hind sight I would say we were extremely lucky S.O.B.s for surviving the stupid idea of taking my truck back to Forks. But there was no place in PA that didn't require we be around people. And neither of us wanted to go back to the hotel with Mary.

Lust was licking my body from the inside out.

Mary had told me that tonight was about me losing my innocence. I could think of no better person to lose it to.

He picked up some beer to take back with us to Forks. I rolled my eyes at the thought. We would need to sleep in the truck if we drank anymore.

The night air was surprisingly warmer as we made our way to the meadow. The snow had stopped for a few days, and rain was on the horizon. It was really odd weather, actually. Like something was stalled for this moment. What should be happening wasn't and something that was almost right was but it would end quickly- just a passing faze.

I spread a spare tarp from the truck bed out on the grass. It was only then that I realized there was something standing in the back of the truck.

He smiled wide at me as he brought it over. The bike. My motorcycle.

Carlisle had somehow found the time and resources to build it and paint it and on top of going to med school.

Inner Esme was stripping down to her birthday suit.

He loved. He had to have loved me to put that much time into this.

"Well…I was going to give it to you as a wedding present. But I don't have one for Charlie," his voice was strained around my future husband's name. I ignored it. "So I guess it can be your Christmas present instead."

"Thank you," I couldn't keep the goofy grin from splitting my cheeks. "But you know… I don't know how to ride a motorcycle." I batted my lashes and looked up at him through my lashes. I didn't miss the way his Adam's apple bobbed while he watched me.

"Well… that's half the fun. Learning." He laughed and joined me on the ground. The air around me instantly felt charged with electricity.

I was tingly all over… my skin hyper aware of every whisper of air on the breeze. He rested on his back. I stared up at the dark sky. I could smell rain getting ready to fall.

"Where do you see yourself in twenty years, Carlisle?"

He mumbled something about having kids… living at his home in Forks. I could see it. Mary and that bump on her stomach melted away. Charlie and that ring on my finger dissolved and there we were Carlisle and me smiling and kissing in the sunset.

"Where do you see yourself?" he offered in return.

I took a deep breath. It was now or never. There was no promise past tonight. And tonight was only made possible by the fact that we were both so drunk off our asses that we would never remember what happened here tonight.

I took confidence from that. "With you," I whispered.

Suddenly he was inches from my face. His breath fanning across my cheeks and kissing my lips with its warmth.

"Esme… stop fucking with me. You had your chance."

I was shocked…what chance? When? He had always been with Mary. He always ignored me in school. He practically growled at me whenever I wanted to spend time with him and Mary together when we were teenagers.

I might have been drunk as a skunk but I … wasn't past the point of being able to argue. "I… when? When did I have a chance? You were always hers!" I was in borderline hysterics. I single-handedly admitted that I wanted him and I blamed Mary. This was suppose to just be about wanting sex. Why bog it down with the need to define anything.

Right. Carlisle is an upstanding guy. He's going to be a father.

Inner Esme stopped my train of thought right there—that means he had sex.

I suddenly lost all other focus but the image of him naked and grinding into Mary's naked body. I shook my head. What the fuck was wrong with me?

"From the moment I met you… I've adored you. You never once spoke to me… why?"

I was reeling… WHAT? Did Carlisle Cullen, god of all men, just admit that he … adored me? Why did I have to be drunk right now!

My brain split in two and while the still slightly sober part tried to process what he just revealed, the totally hammered side offered up all of our best kept secrets.

"Because… you're … you." I blushed as I realized what I just said. I could sound any more ridiculous right now?

He laughed. "Oh."

That just pissed me off. Here he was being Mr. high and mighty while I was trying to tell him the truth.

I screamed something about intimidation. He challenged me again. Fine. If that's how he wanted it.

"Not tonight, Cullen," I put my hand on his chest and went for it. I let my lips follow the most natural path they could imagine.

Sent them to the place where they belonged. He landed back on his back and I sprawled across his body. I moaned as my tongue slid into his mouth. This was going to be fast and frantic… but I was melting and burning all over. I was certain I would burst into flames any second anyway.

He pushed me off of him. Put distance between us by standing. There was some nonsense about what would happen tomorrow. My getting married… him having a child with Mary. I didn't care.

All I cared about was returning my lips to his. I watched the way his body moved under the clinging fabric of his shirt and pants. It was raining hard on us now. This stolen moment in the middle of winter. The meadow protected from the threat of snow and an almost springtime feeling in the air.

_Own this moment_. Inner Esme decided.

I used everything I could think of… let my mind go to some primal place filled with lust and desire for only one thing. This man. I drew his earlobe between my teeth.

He hissed.

The sound made my entire body squeeze tight and then melt.

He kept warning me. Like he was one step away from giving in but offering me that last chance to walk away. I smiled against his neck. He smelled so fucking delicious—made more so by the rain.

I leaned my head to the side and bite his neck as hard as I could.

_Mine_! Inner Esme proclaimed.

The connection of my teeth to his flesh was like the opening of a cage on a wild animal.

Carlisle threw us both into the bed of the truck. He was nothing but a snarls and aggression. His hands smoothed under my dress and in one motion pulled it over my head and tossed it into the oblivion beyond the truck.

My god the man was beautiful. There was no longer any thoughts swirling around in my brain and separating inner from outer me. I was all Esme's desires. Just action. No worry of consequences.

My hands were shaking as I raised them to his chest. His hands captured them… his eyes, black with hunger, watched me like a hunter.

I shivered.

He lowered his head to my chest. I moaned as my nipples, painfully hard and taut from the cold of the rain and the anticipation of the moment, were claimed by his mouth. Torture. It was pure exquisite abuse.

He ran his hot tongue back and forth and back and forth over first my right and then my left nipple. I moaned and arched my back. I needed him—more of him.

He chuckled and I screamed when I felt the piercing pleasure of his teeth nipping just the tip of my right nipple.

My body was on overdrive. A haze filled my senses and I nearly blacked out from the pure pleasure of the moment.

I shifted my body to the side, indicating to him that I wanted him to roll over. I could not have accomplished the motion without his help.

He obliged—a faint smirk on his beautiful face. Bastard.

He groaned when I straddled his still clothed hips and a growl escaped his throat as I tore open his shirt.

"Fuck," he groaned. It wasn't the first time tonight he'd said that. It was making me hornier by the second each time he repeated it.

I ran my fingers reverently and hungrily along his exposed chest. I wanted to kiss each of his scars to promise him that I would help heal every wound that had been inflicted upon his flesh.

But that was for another time. Tonight… I just wanted to taste him. I ran my nose along the dusting of hair at the top of his pants. I hummed against his stomach, eliciting a deep groan from him.

The boldness of the night won over and as I ran my tongue up the center of his god-like body, across his navel, through his chest hair and up to his neck, I realized that I would simply die if I remembered a moment from this night after we woke up tomorrow.

I couldn't go back to a normal, mortal existence after this. There was nothing more perfect than Carlisle.

I tear escaped my eye as I drew back to look into his.

Through the layers of lusty fog befuddling his brain, I could see he felt the same way. He reached out and cupped my face tenderly in his hands. He drew me slowly down toward him and he gently kissed away the tear.

"No crying my beloved," I closed my eyes at his words. Beloved. I wanted to stop right then and there and hide for all eternity.

He loved me.

And it was too late.

I let my face nuzzle into his neck. My body replete of the previous wave of audacity. I was spent but expecting.

I could feel my body growing slightly numb and heavy—I assumed that was from the alcohol.

"You still sure, baby?" he whispered against my hair. I nodded. Suddenly I was shy and I wrapped my arms around his middle.

I could feel him unzipping his pants. I cursed myself silently for not doing that before I sobered up. I'd never get to see him naked now.

I felt one of his arms secure around me to hold me in place as he shifted out of his clothes. I was bent in an awkward position as he undid his shoes and socks.

I lifted my head and glared at him. "What?" he scoffed. "It's lame to have sex with your socks on."

I rolled my eyes and went back to waiting. I was nervous and apprehensive.

I started thinking about what I would have to say to Charlie.. oh ya… by the way I'm not a virgin even though I've exclusively dated you since I was fourteen.

I didn't care about that though. I could smell Carlisle, feel his body under mine. He wanted me. Loved me. I could feel his need and desire pressing against me as he settled back down on his back.

The tip of his erection teasing the still over sensitive and ready bud between my legs.

I gasped at the shock of sensation from the contact.

"Esme…" he breathed. I looked up into his eyes with a wonder that I hoped shined through.

Was this really happening.

"I love you," we said in unison.

He warned me to brace myself and I dug my fingers into the hard and soft skin of his biceps.

It was painful. It was frantic and somewhere after the pinch of actually losing my virginity and Carlisle filling me completely with his length, he lost what little control he had been holding on to.

I wasn't about to complain.

I must admit, I'm sure it gets better with practice… which is why I was cursing yet again that this was the first and only time I would be doing it with him.

Carlisle snarled into my neck and bite down on my collarbone when he came inside of me.

I didn't really have the heart to point out that I didn't reach that moment of bliss with him. It was magical and I was feeling things more profound and intoxicating than I ever had but… it was fleeting.

He immediately passed out next to me after pulling out of me. I was sore. And felt raw where he had touched and claimed me.

But I lay there for a moment and watched him. I loved the way he looked in sleep. So peaceful. So innocent.

There was that word again.

Innocence.

I scooted out of the bed. The rain had subsided and I was conscious enough to find my dress. I stumbled around to the cab. The night was starting to catch up with me and I suddenly just felt heavy and tired. I prayed that I would survive the night.

Luckily…passed out as soon as I hit the seat.

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**(Night before Esme and Carlisle get married)**

I watched him fiddle with that damn bike yet again.

"Will you give it a rest!" I laughed.

He smirked over his shoulder at me. That same damn smirk. True, the hair that framed the face was a tad gray. There were wrinkles and lines starting to creep in along the outline of his eyes and lips.

But that was still very much my Carlisle.

"You remember that night?" I asked looking up at the clear sky.

"Which one my love?" He joined me on the tailgate and kissed my temple sweetly while running his hand along my knee.

I smiled. This was such a perfect, right moment.

"The last time I was getting married… and you brought me out here."

He chuckled. "No."

I watched him with curiosity. He really didn't remember.

"What?"

"You really don't remember us coming out here and… me kissing you and…"

He scowled at the ground. "Yah… I remember that…sort of. Everything about that night is kind of fuzzy/"

"Even the sex?"

"Especially the sex."

I punched his arm and he smirked at me again. "Liar, I knew you would remember."

He winked at me. "Esme… if there is one thing I will never forget…"

There was a clap of thunder off in the distance. I jumped at the sound. There wasn't even a cloud in the sky.

"What?" I said watching him with weary eyes.

"It's that you belong to me."

I melted all over again as I looked into those nearly black depths of his eyes.

"Fuck, Cullen," I moaned.

"Prove it."


	42. Outtake 2: Fits Just Right

**Outtake 2**

**AN: This was supposed to just be a one shot about the first time Jake and Em had sex. It turned into a discussion about Jake and Em owning who they are. Enjoy. On that note, one of the key subjects of Bookends is the discussion of what happens to a person when they have to grow up too soon in their life. The kids in Bookends are not kids. They are young bodies with adult minds. This combination is not good with emotional immaturity. Jacob is the only character in this story who truly knows himself. He's known who he is from a very early age. I know it seems like he is too young to even begin thinking about himself in this way, but for Jacob his gender has less to do with having sex and more to do with being born the right sex to begin with. He asserts who he is by way of his bond and connection to Emmett. Em is the other half of Jacob's soul, and he can not exist as anything but Jake's completion. So, even Emmett would know who he was more in some ways at this early age. Don't forget the journey that these characters go through later. Emmett still has a long way to go with letting his outer shell drop for society. Jake will still have questions about his decisions well in to his life as Rose. **

**This is just the moment they realized their fate.**

**-**-Bookends-**- **

"We know what we are, but know not what we may be."

William Shakespeare

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**JacobPOV (Forks Jr. High)**

Twenty two hundred seventy four.

That's how many times and ways I had thought about confessing my crush to him.

Emmett Swan was in the midst of push up number fifty five when he glanced up and smirked at me.

Why the hell did he do that? How the hell did I ever survive him doing that before?

I tapped my foot on the ratty mat and tried to not look at him. It was hard.

Em liked to grunt as he worked out. The intensity of his focus was causing all of his muscles to strain and flex. And he was covered in sweat.

He moaned as the count started reaching a more challenging number.

I really liked to hear him do _that_.

It was all so fucking confusing. Times like these… I really wished I had a mother to talk to. Dad was great and understanding and all. I was just unsure about how he would take what I was thinking. What I was feeling.

I thought about telling him almost as many times as I had considered talking to Em. But they lived in a guy's world. I needed a female to confide in. A mom.

Like Em's mom, Mrs. Swan. Esme, as she insisted that I call her. The night I lay awake in my bed, staring at the ceiling and finally realizing why I felt so off in my own skin, I fought against a tidal wave of fear to just run over to the Swan house and beg for Esme's words of support.

I wasn't confused about who I was anymore. Just confused with what that meant to the world around me. Unsure about how to be me and not offend everyone who lived here.

To be me and not push the people I loved away with their own insecurities, for that matter. Like my dad. I didn't want who I was to disrupt his life. Or anyone's.

I wanted to protect the people I loved from the uncertain path of my future.

Like Em. Just because I loved him, didn't mean he was obligated to love me back.

I swallowed, hard.

_Love?_

"Okay," he said leaping to his feet like the push ups had been nothing. He was panting and sweaty and… suddenly I realized there was no fucking way I was standing up anytime soon.

I gulped more air into my lungs, my mouth dry as bone.

I shifted to hide my boner. Fuck me. His smile always did it.

Always.

My first wet dream had been about Em. Us wrestling around the backyard and him grunting…

He smiled wider, like he knew what the fuck I was thinking. My brain melted to mush and I nearly groaned out loud.

"Love" might still be a question, but lusted after, that was a definite.

"You comin' to the showers?"

He had me at coming… and I knew if I followed him to the showers I certainly would be.

I shook my head, biting my lip and balling my hands into fists. He shrugged and grinned like the carefree idiot that he was. I closed my eyes and resisted the urge to watch him walk away. We were at wrestling practice for Christ's sake.

The other guys would notice my ogling of Em eventually, wouldn't they?

It was bad enough that I dressed better than any guy in Forks—with the exception of Emmett, of course. That boy knew how to dress that body of his.

Emmett's body. I hummed and closed my eyes. Let the fantasy linger for a just a few seconds more.

He'd be stepping under the spray from the shower right about now. Totally unconcerned about modesty over his naked physique. Em was proud of his body.

Em had every right to be proud of his body.

He worked damn hard at keeping himself in shape. Most people didn't believe he was only twelve. They thought he was at least fifteen or sixteen. He was taller than any teacher we had here. His shoulders were broad with toned arms and his chest….

"Cullen!" Coach Clapp barked, pulling me from my mental movie.

I jumped to my feet. The gym was cleared.

_Dammit. Way to look obvious, dumbass. _

My thoughts chastised my actions and I tried to just get to the locker room without drawing more attention to myself.

"Jacob?" Coach called again, motioning me over to speak to him. He was watching me with an almost sneer on his face.

I started to panic.

He knew.

I spent every minute of my life in the one stop light town of Forks to hide who I was. It was a delicate dance. One I never really even gave up completely when alone. This town wasn't big enough for any type of oddity. Mrs. Cope painted her house a nice shade of sky blue a few years back. They all but had a town meeting on whether it was too "out there" for her to keep.

She repainted it the standard off-white run of the mill cream color, less than four months later.

I kept a tight lid on inner Jacob. Because once he was out…

Well, I would never be like Mrs. Cope. I wouldn't let anyone dictate to me who I had to be and how I had to live. Once I was out, I would be out for good. And open to those same judging eyes sizing me up.

I wasn't strong enough to fight that battle just yet.

I knew I would one day be, but right now I was just some confused twelve year old boy who knew he was meant to be born a girl.

And both the inner and outer me were shitting themselves walking over to my P.E. coach. If he found inner me and exposed her before I was ready… I might not have a choice to fight.

I was sweating and breathless from fear as I stood before Coach Clapp.

Awaiting the judgment.

"What's going on with you, son?" he folded his arms around each other over his chest and peered down at me with the tip of his hat pointing at me like some arrow on a gaydar.

"Umm…" I tried to play dumb and just shook my head and shrugged. Really, it was no act. My mind was on damage control, DefCon one. All I could see was my dad's face when he confronted me at home later tonight. I really hoped he would be more understanding than the glaring version of him in my head now.

"Look," Coach put a hand on my shoulder and I went from panicked to freaked.

_What the hell?_

"I remember what was like to be your age kid. It's not easy to make sense of everything … ya know…going on." My eyebrows touched at the center of my forehead.

Everything going on? My age? Memories lined up in my head and I was suddenly back in science class two months ago with this very man was trying to awkwardly work through a sex ed lesson with all the seventh grade boys.

Was Coach actually going to give me a sex talk? Probably.

Did coach know anything about homosexuality? Highly doubtful.

"Coach," I broke in, irony dripping in my voice. "What's up?"

He cleared his throat and drew his arm back. "You seem to be off your game lately, Jake. I just…" he shrugged, "figure it's for the obvious reason."

My heart started pounding so hard in my chest that I nearly dropped to the ground in arrest.

Obvious?

It was obvious?

I made a point to become Meryl fucking Streep with my outer Jacob routine and he's shrugging it off as obvious?

Him? Coach Clapp who didn't realize that his wife had been cheating on him with his brother for the last five years—he found my secret to be obvious?

"Oh," I squeaked. "Well…I guess it is." I was terrified. But mostly I was… nursing a wounded ego that my act had been for nothing these past two years.

"It's okay, kid. It happens to everybody."

_What the hell did he just say?_

"So, what's her name?"

For one shockingly empowering moment I considered a remote possibility that he was asking what I wanted to change my name to when I physically made the change to becoming female.

My dread melted to giddiness as I realized this simple, stupid man was under the delusion that I was hung up on a girl.

_Quite the opposite, idiot. I am the girl. And I'm all a-twitter over my man._

"Uhh… Em…Emily," I lied. There were no Emilys in Forks. Of this I was certain because I had memorized all the female names in the town. Inner Jake had to be an original. So I had to know all the names I was up against.

"Hmm.. Well, try to keep your Em out of the gym and keep your head in practice, okay?"

He lost me at 'my Em'. Something inside of me jumped to life at the very mention of that dream. And from the clueless lips of my physical education leader it was down right shameful to hope that one day my Em and I would be just as accepted in this town together as me and some fictional girl were.

"Now," Coach slapped my ass in that way that guys did that said 'you're a buddy but I want to make this awkward and touch your ass'. I never understood why men felt the need to smack each other's asses if it wasn't for the same reason that girls liked to have their asses smacked by guys. "Hit the showers," he barked and headed up to his office.

I rolled my eyes, knowing damn well the showers were still out of the question and headed to change back into my clothes. Em was half-way dressed when I got to my locker.

Right across from his.

He had his pants on and was sliding his sneakers on as I approached. His towel hung around his neck and his back muscles rippled as he sat bent over.

I whimpered internally. It was not fair.

Not fair that that man existed. And that I was a guy.

If I was a girl… A real girl with real girlie parts… I would march up to him right now and plant a kiss on those plump, luscious lips of his. I would not hide a single glance of want that I could throw at him. And I would be his girlfriend.

But I wasn't a real girl. I was Jacob.

Jacob was just Em's best friend.

No kisses for Jacob.

"He, dude, where've you been?" He ran the towel over his dark, curly locks once more and tossed it to the pile at the end of the lockers. He stood and I turned to start changing before I saw his stomach. Em had the kind of stomach that made a girl want to drop to her knees in front of him and bite it.

I groaned, pulling off my sweats and quickly pulling on my jeans. I didn't need him to see me half stiff for him.

"Coach wanted to talk to me," I mumbled.

"Bout what?" he pressed. Damn Emmett Swan and his need to know everything.

"Guy stuff," I grumbled.

Suddenly Em was resting against my locker and looking down at me.

We were close enough that I could feel his breath hitting my cheek. I wanted to lean into him to get my shirt. Just have my naked chest brush against that deliciously toned forearm crossed over his immaculate chest.

But I stood still and cast my eyes in the other direction.

_Keep it locked up, Jake. Don't make it weird on him. Em deserves to make his own decisions for his life._

"Do I need to kick his ass?" he whispered with lethal promise.

I snorted. Em was always ready to defend me. Even though he knew damn well I could hold my own in a fight.

"No… he just… he thinks I have a crush on a girl." I peeked up at Em with guarded eyes. Would he even react to this news? Probably, he was my buddy. We told each other everything. Em would probably be pissed that I had a crush and never told him.

Secretly I hoped he'd be jealous. But that was just some dumb girlie dream of mine.

"Do you?" his face was passive, and his eyes…almost worried. That reaction was far from text book Emmett.

"No," I retorted defensively. He pulled back like I had just taken a swing at him with my fist. I guess in one way I had. I was defending inner me's honor. But he didn't know that he had offended her.

"Sorry, man, just… dumb, you know?" I shrugged. I shoved him out of the way with my shoulder and finished dressing. Followed him from the locker room in silence.

We walked home in relative silence too. I don't know what was going on inside his head. I always loved to figure out what Em was thinking, but today I was just trapped inside my mind.

The near outing in the gym gave me a reality check. I couldn't keep my true identity a secret forever. I didn't have to put on some rainbow shirt and start rallies in the streets for equality tomorrow, but I had to be me.

Even when I thought Coach knew who I was, I never once considered not being me. I wasn't going to be Mrs. Cope. Inner me would shine like a bright orange sign forever, no matter whose eyes were offended by the color.

We ended up at the tree that stood between our two houses. My dad had built a small house at the top of it for my mom. I went up there to think sometimes.

Alone.

I had never taken Em up there.

"Where to, dude?"

I smiled. Coach Clapp was a simple man with simple eyes that saw the world on only one level. Em was just a quiet guy. He saw the world on many levels but he didn't clutter up his mind with all the facts.

We were just friends hanging out. There were no questions about girlfriends or what was keeping me silent at the moment. Just a simple- where are we going?

I loved that about him.

I considered for a second taking him up to the tree house. But for what? Em would be bored in three minutes up there. It's not like I was going to confess my feelings for him anyway.

_Feelings, so now we're admitting we have feelings for him?_

I shrugged and pointed toward his house. We ended up in his kitchen. A couple of Gatorades in hand and Em launched into a discussion about football camp. I laughed when he started retelling the story about us teaming up against those pricks from Push.

That kid Paul had a mouth on him.

But Em and me put him in his place. We made a damn good team.

"So… your dad is traveling again this weekend?" I nodded. Dad visited his friend in Italy, Erebos…Uncle Erebos, a lot less these days. Seemed like for a bit when I was a kid he was never here on weekends. I couldn't blame him, that house was hell when she lived there. And then it was just cold after she ran away.

It wasn't until he adopted my baby sister, Alice, that he started… living again. Until he decided to bring her home, it was just an empty house that we both wanted to escape as much as possible.

I didn't mind him being gone. It gave me an excuse to stay over at the Swan house. They were no less broken than my family, but they were a team. It was just… nice to be in a house where people lived together. Fought. Cried. Loved, all as one.

Dad and I were just partners, but exclusive in our lives to even each other.

Esme was a caregiver who made every room she stood in feel warmer from her presence. And her kids were the same way. No matter how you felt about the Swan kids, you couldn't help but notice them when they were in a room.

I came over to this house when I felt I needed to belong to something bigger than me. And I was thankful for the times that Dad just left me alone, too. I knew, just like he did when he was my age, I couldn't rely on anyone but me. I learned to be my own person.

And I knew exactly who that person needed to be.

I fiddled with the rim of my bottle. Fighting back a fresh wave of guilt over not being able to just be me.

I even felt guilty to Em. I shared almost every minute of my life since birth with the guy. And here I was, lying to him.

Not lying… just not showing him the whole truth.

Protecting him, like he always tried to do for me.

"You okay, Jake?" His voice was filled with worry. I looked up at him with my own sense of unease.

"Uhh…" I looked him straight in the eyes, eyes that were watching me with so much concern that I just wanted to have his arms wrapped around me in reassurance. I swallowed. Before I could think about it, my brain vomited out of my mouth. "I really need to talk to you."

He blinked. I nearly had a heart attack and everything was disrupted by Bella coming through the back door.

"School sucks. I don't want to go back there anymore. I will be in my room, planning out my emancipation from childhood case that I will be presenting to mom later tonight. If you have any thoughts on the subject, do share."

"Hi to you too, Bells," Em laughed.

"Hello, Jacob," she said with a warm smile. I smiled in return and nodded to her. She rolled her eyes as her brother kept laughing. "Laugh now, idiot, but when I no longer have to go to school and you are slaving away, I will be the one yucking it up."

"What is your main case, lil sis? It sucks?" He snorted.

Bella shrugged and headed up the stairs. I remembered what Alice had told me about this morning.

"Bella," I shouted over my shoulder. "Alice said the boys are going to be visiting for a week soon. She said to warn you. You know…since Edward's a little shit."

Em chuckled and the indignant foot stomping back down the stairs to the kitchen was no surprise.

"I'll punch your fucking lights out if you ever call him that again, Jacob Cullen," she threatened.

Bella was three years younger than me. She stood a good ten inches shorter than me. And I knew without a question of a doubt, she really would knock me on my ass if I crossed her.

"He's mean to you, Bells," Em argued. "Shit, he's mean to everyone. Remember last year when he set that place on fire in PA?"

"No, Emmett, I don't," she said through pursed lips. "I remember when you two idiots took Jake's little cousins to an abandoned warehouse for _fun."_

"Hey," I objected, "I had no idea Edward smokes. Come on Bella, an eleven year old that smokes? You don't find that to be a tad… deviant?"

"No. I find the shit big brother here buys in Push to be far worse than Edward bumming some smokes from Tanya's stash."

Em snarled. "How the fuck do you know what I do and don't buy?"

"Emmett, I'm nine, not stupid."

I laughed. "I told you not to smoke that shit right before coming home."

"Shut up, Jake," he hissed. "And none of that makes a diff when you really look at that jerk. He's still mean to you, Bella. He calls you names. Told me to keep my bitch of a sister off his back. That's someone you want to defend?"

Bella's lip trembled a little. And in that moment, I bonded with Em's little sister in a way I didn't fully understand. She was standing here, sticking up for someone who probably hated her guts. Putting herself through the misery of our ridicule and questions, just to protect Edward.

There was a lot I could learn from Isabella Swan. God help me if Em ever turned his judgment on me like he did with my cousin.

"I don't give a crap if Edward never talks to me nicely, Emmett. He's a human being. Treat him with that respect. He's done nothing but call me names." She shrugged. "Big deal. You have no right to call him names, either."

And with that she turned and stomped back up stairs.

I sat, stunned.

That little nine year old just served us both.

"So what did you want to talk about, man?" New subject. That was Emmett. Bella was gone and the drama that was their conversation left with her.

I took a deep breath.

I was going to do it.

I was worried I would feel like I did earlier today in the gym. I was still nervous. Still petrified. But my body wasn't acting like a grizzly bear was about to attack us.

In lots of ways, I was just…

Calm.

Em got up to toss his bottle in the trash, washing his hands at the sink.

I didn't think about it. I just…acted on instinct.

It was probably the dumbest way to go about it. But I knew if I didn't just do it, I would talk myself out of ever doing anything.

I pushed up from the table. Took the three strides to the sink. Turned Em around with my hands and planted a hard, obvious kiss on his lips.

Time stopped.

I purposely stopped breathing.

No sound was made.

Neither of us moved.

I don't know how long I stood there with my lips pressed against his. My eyes were screwed shut and I had no concept of how to go about doing anything more than just resting my skin against his.

After what felt like forever, we both eased back.

My eyes bugged with the realization that I had just done it… stepped out of the shadows. Now my heart decided to join the rest of my body and galloped in my throat. I took a deep breath but found my lungs unable to really hold enough oxygen to keep up with my rapidly speeding pulse.

"What the…" Em whispered.

I snapped my mouth shut. My eyes were welling up with emotions.

I nodded quickly and just said fuck it. "I've come to the conclusion that… I'm … I…want to be a girl."

_Wow, that was easier than I ever thought it would be._

Em laughed… looking for all the world like he was in shock.

"This isn't a joke, Emmett." My face was somber and I tried to plead for his… acceptance as I finished. "I was meant to be a girl."

His face fell in lines of confusion. His arms crossing over his chest in an obvious display of putting space between us.

That hurt.

To know that there was something in Emmett that was… afraid of me just being me.

I bit down on that revelation.

"And I'm tired of hiding."

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**EmPOV (two years later)**

I stood next to Jake as he pulled out the bottle of lotion from his locker. He dabbed the customary two dollops of the stuff on the palm of his right hand and set the bottle back down.

He had nice hands.

Don't ask me when I started noticing shit like that.

And more and more lately I realized that I only noticed that kind of stuff with Jake.

I never used to care about stuff like that. How well a defensive lineman was charging my ass before a throw, sure, but never how nice someone's hands were. Somehow, it was vital and important information to me now.

I saw all the tiny aspects of my best friend in magnified detail. Like his jet black, silky smooth hair.

He wore it slightly longer now than he had last year. It curled a little around his ears. And it looked soft.

I grabbed the bottle of lotion while he worked what was on his perfect hands into the cuticles of his left nails.

He glanced up at me unaffected. There was an almost twinkle in his eyes as he turned them back to his hands without speaking to me.

I squirted some lotion on my hands to keep them busy. They ached all of the sudden to run through Jake's hair.

Shit.

I had come to a lot of moments in my life when I just figured shit out about myself and moved on.

Like the day we moved back to Forks.

I was a kid.

Damn, I was probably only two or three. But I didn't let it faze me. So what. We weren't living in that hell hole anymore. That bastard wasn't making my mom cry every night anymore.

That was a plus in my book.

Then there was the day Bella started school. She was terrified of all the other kids. She was shy and just wanted to go home. I walked her to class every morning and made sure I was at the door to pick her up after class every afternoon.

Eventually she made friends and it didn't bug me at all when she told me she didn't need me to wait for her after school.

I was happy for her finally making friends. Even if it was that damn annoying jerk Mike Newton.

The only thing in my entire life that I ever had a tough time dealing with was the minute Jacob Cullen kissed me.

I huffed and slammed the bottle of orange scented lotion back in the locker.

"You okay, man?" Jake asked sincerely picking up his backpack and turning to walk home with me.

Neither of us drove to school. Sure we both owned cars and loved to drive. But we also loved to work out. We just jogged to school together every morning. And walked home together every afternoon.

My day never felt right unless it began and ended with Jacob beside me.

I shoved my hands in my pockets as another wave of uncertainty crashed over me.

"Yah, dude, no worries."

"O…kay," he mumbled.

Jake handled it better than I did. The whole… Emmett Swan meltdown and brain malfunction. I could tell that he was hurt by my…lack of response, but he never let it come between us.

Jake was my best friend, then and now.

"Hey, Ally got that new video game when she went to Seattle for her showing last weekend. It was my payment for acting as her test model for the evening gowns." He snorted at the thought.

"Wonder why she never realizes it," he whispered.

There were times with Jacob that I just wanted to tell him to shut up. Like when he said that. Or when he stood looking in the window of a dress shop checking out the new line of clothing.

He was my truest buddy, but fuck me if I didn't need to be reminded every five seconds that he really would rather be my best girlfriend.

My stomach knotted up.

I used to get by with just thinking that that's why I never said anything. That the fact that Jake wanted to radically change his body was what stopped me from processing that moment two years ago.

I didn't think that excuse worked anymore.

We got to the Cullen house and walked through the back down just as Alice was heading into the kitchen.

"Hey boys," she smiled and waved.

Alice was a cute little thing. Not even as big around as my thigh or as tall as one of my arms but she was the sweetest gal I knew.

"It took all of two seconds to convince Brutus here to come over after I told him I have Death to Zombies part II in my possession," Jake informed her.

Alice laughed—a damn girlie giggle high pitched sound.

"Well just remember I only got you that thing so I could kick your ass at it," she teased.

Jake rolled his eyes and I couldn't help but laugh my butt off at the thought. Jake was almost as big as me. Just a few inches shorter and slightly more lean in his muscles but next to Alice he looked like a giant. And yet, I would be willing to bet that little Smurf of a sister could whip both our asses at that game if she wanted to.

"Well, you two have fun. I'm off to convince that baby sister of yours that leaving for your dad's house next week is not the end of the world."

I shook my head and winked at her. "Good luck with that. That asshole has some kind of power over her."

Alice frowned at my words. "Does he not scare you, Em?" she asked, cocking her head to the side to watch my response.

I cleared my throat. Was I afraid of Charlie Swan? No. But Bella and I knew that our father was all about perception. I didn't fear Charlie, because I was his star son. I was a strong, well versed athlete and damn good-looking motherfucker on top of that. He praised me and bragged about me to his colleagues. With the thoughts and the feelings that I had been dealing with inside my head lately though, I knew that perceived Emmett was about to change. I feared that change. Feared how it would alter how people treated me. Charlie would be the most obvious in how he went about accepting this change. Or not accepting it as I was very certain would be the case.

But Jake was in my line of sight and he had a bottle of water raised to his lips. My eyes tried to focus on Alice's face as I spoke, but my mind was stuck on the image of Jacob's lips wrapped around the tip of the bottle.

I swallowed and shrugged. "He's an ass, Alice. End of story."

She huffed. "Well, I just wrote my cousin and told him to remind his brother to send his mail to Victoria soon."

I clenched my teeth and tried not to respond. Edward Cullen was going to be the death of me one of these days.

He was either the guy who made my little sister cry, or the guy whose every word she hung on to because he knew everything.

And his damn stupidass postcards were all Bella could ever talk about anymore.

Like I gave a shit about the punk and his art.

"He's family, Emmett Swan," Alice snapped and glared at me before leaving.

"Ominous little fairy," Jake mumbled.

"Whatever, let's kill some zombies."

I grabbed a bottle of water and followed Jake upstairs to his room.

Two hours later Jake was proving that successful zombie killing was simply a Cullen trait.

"No! Don't go down that hallway, man!"

"Shit!" I yelled and watched my last life drain from the worthless zombie hunter avatar on the screen.

Jacob laughed and saved the game. "I'll finish my game after you go home."

I laughed and stood up to stretch. You never realized how stiff your muscles got from playing video games. Especially if you play with the intensity that my buddy did.

"Your mom working doubles again this month?" He asked, stretching from his chair.

"Yah," I yawned. "I think she just doesn't like to come home to an empty house, you know? We're off to the asshole's for a month so she'll want to keep busy."

Jake nodded. "Yah. Too bad you still have to visit him."

I laughed. "I don't give a shit. I just spend the whole time waiting for football camp anyway. I just go to…"

"Protect Bella," he finished.

I nodded. Alice was right. Bella let Charlie's mind games get to her. She was hopeful that he would change. Naïve enough to believe that if she did everything he wanted that maybe one day he'd let us be his family just like Dr. Cullen did.

Shit. Dr. Cullen didn't do anything more than say that we were welcome in his house. But that was more than Charlie ever did.

I noticed a book on Jake's nightstand. "_The female body and all that grows inside it_?" I read out loud.

I turned to look at him and he shrugged matter of fact. "Yah?"

Another deep breath.

That voice inside of me that always wanted to tell Jake to shut up about shit like this was actually stunned in to silence.

_What the shit was that about?_

"You dropped this…" Jake stretched out to pick up something from the floor. My agitation over my father and frustration over my distracted mind mixed together to make me freak the fuck out when I saw what it was.

My wallet.

"Don't!" I shrieked like a bitch.

Jake blinked up at me in surprise and then smirked wickedly when he saw my face.

He dove for the wallet and jumped out of my reach when he got there before me.

"You fucking prick! Give me that back!"

I'll admit I was irrational over the damn thing. Jake laughed and started darting around the room, always just out of my reach.

I couldn't help but laugh with him. I was pissed, but it was kind of fun to chase him around his room.

I just didn't want him to open the wallet and see what I hid. Jake would see the only picture I carried in my wallet was one of us. Taken not that long ago. And I had made a point of not giving him a copy of it.

Because in that photo, Jake was looking at the camera and smiling and I… I was looking at Jake.

With a fucking love sick puppy dog expression on my face.

"And what has the big bad Swan all bent out of shape, hmm?" I tackled him, landing on top of his body right next to his bed. He was out of breath from laughing but still grinning up at me.

In that minute, something changed.

All that stupid shitass worrying that I had done lately. The confusion about the feelings I had when I was around him.

All that crap disappeared.

I got it.

Jake was flirting with me.

Whenever he had joked around like this with me… that's what he had been doing. Whether there was a promise of me returning the tease or not, Jake never let go.

And for the first fucking time in my life, it made sense.

I realized that I liked it.

A lot.

He wanted me.

And knowing that he did, made me realize a very real truth.

I wanted him, too.

I rested my body on top of his, casually pinning him down. I was just as out of breath as he was, but my labored breathing had more to do with what I was thinking about than of our scuffle.

Jake's eyes twinkled and he lifted my wallet to his face. I watched him, my eyes no longer the same as they were before I landed on top of him on the floor.

I waited to see if the picture would say the same thing to him that it said to me.

I wasn't ashamed of the proof anymore. I didn't want to hide it. I hoped that when Jacob saw me looking at him in that photo, that he would finally know what I felt.

He rolled his eyes up at me when I refused to move. He also jerked his knee up to connect with my hip and make me grunt.

_Low blow, Cullen, I'll tag you back one of these days._

He flipped open the wallet and froze.

I was looking at him.

He was finally seeing me.

His face was unreadable, but his eyes were starting to water. Was he crying? Shit, I hoped he wasn't crying. I couldn't handle it when my girls cried.

My girl.

I smirked.

_Yep, that's Jake. My girl._

He blinked his eyes up at me after what felt like an eternity.

"Hey baby," I whispered.

As if some other person was moving my body, my lips lowered down to his.

You know that moment… when a key slides into a lock. When it fits just right and opens the door. That moment that you sigh and know that you are going where you wanted to go because you found the right tool to open that doorway.

I slid my tongue into Jake's wet hot mouth and found my just right fit.

I was home.

**-**-Bookends-**-**

"Damn baby," he moaned and the sound made my hips buck against him out of instinct.

It had only been two days.

Two blissful, carefree, fucking sexy days of us being together.

After that first make out session in his room we couldn't keep our hands off of each other.

We did eventually stop. Well… we tried. First, we tried to put some distance between us and talk. That didn't work out so well. I ended up launching myself over the couch and slamming him against the front door.

Did I mention how good his mouth tasted?

So… we ended up with him shoving me outside the front door and calling me on the phone.

Me in my room. He in his. We talked it out. Well… we just talked. The key thing about falling for the person who's been your best friend your whole life is you don't have all that getting to know you crap in your way.

He told me about the fears that have haunted him the past couple years. I told him all the shit that was confusing me. In the end, we didn't have much new information other than the fact that we were two horny teenage boys who wanted each other.

Yeah. The phone actually turned out to be a good idea. Jake was pretty skilled with phone sex.

I groaned at the memory of that first night.

I had no idea how any of this worked. I had never done it with a girl. But at least I knew, from those down right laughable sex ed classes with Coach Clapp, where my shit went and what her shit did.

Why couldn't there be an extra course for those looking to hook up with their own gender?

"Em," Jake panted, pulling his face back from mine to catch some air. I just moaned and kept my lips on his skin, licking his jaw.

He shivered and ran his hands up my arms. His fingers smoothed through my curls and secured my head to his body.

"Is this crazy?" he whispered.

I shrugged and grunted but said nothing. I was kind of not interested in thinking right now. Just in feeling.

Jake felt like every good thing in my life rolled into one. He was pure love. Raw sex. And made me higher than any pot I ever smoked.

I wanted to keep taking hits from his body for as long as I could.

We didn't have much time. Lunch would be over soon. It was the last day of school before summer vacation. I had already made out with him behind his house this morning before we started off on our morning jog. Played the guy version of footsies with him during bio last period.

And now I had spent the entire lunch hour sucking face with him in the janitor's closet.

It wasn't enough.

"It's time to get back, baby," he whispered even though he made no move to leave. In fact his fingers started to caress and scratch my scalp. Making everything tingle from the tip of my head down to my toes.

I moaned, strangled and achy.

"Don't do that shit unless you want me to pull you out and hand job you, babe," I warned.

Jake laughed.

"You sure this is what you want?" he teased, nudging my crotch with his hip.

I saw stars for a second as the sensations crashed over me. "Shit," I gasped.

"Oh big boy," Jake purred.

I smirked and nipped at his bottom lip as I pushed him back against the door.

"What can I say baby," I growled. "You make my big dick hard."

Jake flushed and I nearly came in my pants at the thought of us doing what I just teased about.

"Home," I snarled. "Now."

All we would be missing is practice. Neither of us had a class after lunch, just sports. Coach would excuse us for a day. We were his star athletes. We didn't need as much practice as everyone else.

Jake stepped out first. Looking calm and casual, like he had just been chilling in the closet for the last hour.

I took a deep breath and gripped the doorknob in my fist. The irony of the two of us coming out of a closet together was not lost on me.

The anger that every aspect of my new relationship with Jake seemed to fall on an ironic side of life was surprising.

But there wasn't much I was willing to do about that right now. I followed him a few minutes later and since the hallway was empty no one even noticed that we both had been in the same closet together.

I didn't stand too close to him as we left campus. We really didn't even talk much. Just an occasional question and answer. Or a joke and a laugh. No big.

Nothing like what was going on inside of me.

Inside of me I was a ball of nerves and wants.

I wanted to know how the last hour felt to him. Wanted to believe that he had that same feeling of total joy in his chest that I did whenever he was standing close to me. Wanted to run the rest of the way home and maximize our … whatever we were about to do.

But that was on the inside.

On the outside we were just Jacob and Emmett. The two buddies who everyone knew as the tag team on the football field. The two guys who couldn't be matched on the wrestling mat.

Two guys.

We turned off the main road to the dirt path that led to our driveways.

"My house," I offered quietly. Mom would be working a double shift at the station. She probably wouldn't even take her lunch at home, just eat at the diner. Bells still had another hour of school left for the day.

We would have some privacy for at least a little while.

I stepped across the threshold of the front door moments after him and the world around me changed.

I felt relief instantly.

My body relaxed from tension that came with being outside.

Jake seemed to relax, too.

He put his hands in his pockets and turned around to look at me. He looked shy all of sudden, his ears turning pink with a faint blush.

"What are we doing?"

I shrugged. "What do you want to do?"

It was dumb, right? Stupid to just jump straight into this without… researching? Without having some sort of protection or knowing what we were doing.

"Em?" Jake whispered. He reached his hand out to me. "Come on."

**-**-Bookends-**-**

**JPOV**

I could see it. The second he stepped out of that closet.

_Mental eye roll at that ridiculous metaphor in action. _

I could feel him change. As soon as we were in public, Emmett shifted personalities. Not in a bad way. I understood why he did it.

I had done it for years.

But it was… revealing to watch it in action.

I had to admit… when he kissed me the other day. No warning just…bam… it made everything inside of me shift again.

I always knew I belonged somewhere.

I had spent the better part of my life knowing that I didn't belong in this body. Knowing that I would spend the rest of my life breaking out of this shell that I was born with.

But I never really knew where I belonged.

Till he kissed me.

Our mingled scents and breaths smoothing together as our lips brushed across each other's again and again was the first time I felt like I fit in.

I was where I was supposed to be.

There was a worry inside of me from that moment, though.

Well…more from the moment I finally got his ass out of the house and I could think straight.

I shook my head. My greatest fear right now was that Emmett wanted this. The Jacob in front of him. And that one day… when I became the Jacob inside of this…could he want her, too?

I pulled him upstairs to his room, knowing this house better than my own in so many ways.

He looked so relaxed that I almost would have sworn he smoked a joint on the walk home.

Something about being away from everyone else's eyes eased all his apprehension.

And I was the total opposite. When we were alone, I was unsure on what to do. I didn't want to push him too far.

Confused was a simple way of naming what we both were right now.

"Sex?" Em whispered after I stopped in the middle of his bedroom. I was locked place. I couldn't even answer his question.

Was I ready for sex? I was only fourteen, for crying out loud.

I didn't even know how we … properly went about that.

"I'm not putting your cock in my mouth," I blurted out.

Em turned from the door that he had just finished closing. A twist of a smile pulling his mouth up at the corners.

"Wasn't going to suggest it, sweetheart."

I went all girlie giddy when he did that, called me something like that. I really liked it when he called me baby. It was like some…constant reminder that he accepted me.

The blush that had began to burn when he told me about his big, hard dick in the closet at school was a raging fire across my entire body.

Hormones were a trippy fucking drug.

"You wanna…" he swallowed and looked at his bed. "Get naked?"

There were moments in everyone's life when they felt stupid. That you found yourself standing beside the situation that you were in and you could see the funny aspect of it.

Me and my best friend were standing in his bedroom, ditching school and asking each other if we wanted to get naked.

Em laughed first.

"Holy shit, Jake, what the fuck are we doing?"

My smile slowly faded. That sounded too much like a… 'this is a phase I'll grow out of next week' question to me.

I bit down on the pain that such a future would bring. I was living in the moment. And at this moment, I had the opportunity to be that girl I always wanted to be. To march up to Emmett Swan and fucking making him mine.

"Naked," I said with a clipped nod.

I undressed like I did when I went to the doctor's office. With that ever present awareness that someone else's eyes were on you behind your back.

It was weird. Some part of me wanted to be the one to strip him. Peel each layer of clothing off him and really lay claim to what was mine.

Some other part of me… felt violated.

I knew we were rushing into this shit.

Emmett hadn't even had time to really get a grip on what he was feeling. Why he was all the sudden interested in kissing a guy.

Why I made his big dick hard.

I shivered at the memory of his words.

Once I was completely naked, I peeked over my shoulder at him. I couldn't hide my reaction to him now if I tried. He made my big dick hard, too. When my eyes landed on him I couldn't help but laugh.

Here I stood, acting like I was about to get my shots at the local clinic and Em was sprawled out on his bed. His legs crossed at the ankles and his hips angled up like he had planted a flag pole on his crotch to show me where the Promised Land was.

He chuckled. "You're thinking too much, baby." He patted the bed next to him. "Come here."

I choked at his words, my cock twitching in anticipation. I crawled on to the bed and sat next to him. "But what if… I want to come over here?" I pointed to the other side of the bed.

"Sex humor," Em smiled. "That's my girl."

He called me his girl and I just about flipped.

I got all hot and tingly all over and my breath caught in my throat. "Wow," I breathed.

He was watching me with this look… one I couldn't describe. But it went straight to my crotch.

"Lie down," he whispered. I nodded, breathless like I had just ran a mile. I lay back and tried to relax. My skin felt extra sensitive against the bed spread. And every inch of me felt like a live wire that would ignite an explosion the second he touched me.

"Shh, baby," he murmured as I cried out a little when I felt the bed move and he saw him rising above me.

I had spent so long, so very long hiding me. Protecting me. Emmett had the power to help me shine. Make me feel like this—like I was someone special. And I belonged to him.

But he also had the power to destroy me. He could break me more effectively and in a lasting way with his rejection now than any other force on earth.

I was a hailstorm of nerves and fears mixed with erotic sensations that were driving me wild.

He kissed my lips softly, gently, purring my name and offering me reassurances between each meeting of our lips.

Soon the mixture of his scent and his light, caressing touch started to ease my worries. I was melting under him. On fire all over.

And my cock was throbbing like it had never done before. I could feel him, just as needy, just as hot and solid as me.

"What… what do we…" I mumbled, my mind was working but my mouth only wanted to keep kissing him.

He didn't say anything—he just kept up his kisses like waves crashing against the shore.

When I first felt his hand gliding down my body, I jumped. He stilled his fingers on my abs. Waiting for me to adjust to the feel of someone touching me.

I eased back down under him again and shuddered as his fingertips traced the trail of hair from my bellybutton to…

"Fuck!" I cried and tensed my entire body up. His fingers were at the base of my cock and I could feel it. I was going to shoot my wad before we even started a damn thing.

I focused on the ceiling and tried counting to one hundred. Tried to remember my locker combination for the past four years of school. Tried to picture zombies eating people's brains. Anything to keep me from thinking about how fucking perfect his touch felt on my skin and how impossibly ready I was to just come all over his stomach.

"Jake," Em said in his matter of fact voice. I didn't look at him. His goddamn pretty face would make me come twice just by looking at it right now.

"Don't worry bout it," he reassured me. I whimpered when he started to move his hand again.

"Em…no.. I…" a strangled breath left my throat just as his hand secured around me. I came, hard, fast.

I couldn't even enjoy the sensation… I was so disgusted with myself for not being able to hold my own for more than five minutes.

"All that fucking build up," I grumbled.

Em started to laugh and opened his mouth to speak… when we both frozen at the sound of a gasp from the doorway.

Mortified, filled with terror and just about ready to have the earth open up and swallow us both—we looked over into the eyes of Em's little sister Bella.

"Oh my God…" Her eyes were bugging out of her face. Her mouth was hanging down. And I couldn't even begin to imagine what the two of us looked like.

Fuck. My cum was all over her brother's stomach.

Fuck. Had she seen me …

"BELLA!" Emmett roared. "OUT!" He screamed and she followed his command instantly.

He sat up, sighing and looking like he was ready to puke.

"I… shit, Em.. I'm sorry…"

He held his hand up and shrugged. "Don't be."

I blinked back the tears that I was afraid would fall from the second he stepped out of the closet this afternoon.

"Shit, baby, I didn't mean it that way." He was lying down next to me the next minute and running his fingers through my hair, wiping my tears away with his thumb.

"I meant… it's no big. We'll deal."

I looked him straight in the eyes, positive I was hearing things. No one on earth was that… quick to handle shit.

"With this?" I waved my hand between us.

"No, that's a done deal," he smiled and planted a hard, quick kiss on my lips. "With everything outside of here." He motioned towards the door.

My heart squeezed in my chest at the way he said 'done deal'.

"Thank you, Emmett Swan," I whispered.

He cocked his head to the side in question.

"It may not be perfect, and it might always be just slightly off," I explained. "But I know this is where I belong."

I put my hand on his cheek and let my love for him shine in my eyes.

He face split with that signature Emmett grin. "I know what you mean, baby." He put his hand over mine and leaned in to kiss me.

"Fits just right."


	43. Playlist

**Bookends Playlist:**

**The Story:**  
Bookends- Simon and Garfunkel  
The Dance- Garth Brooks  
Someone Like you- Van Morrison  
Sober- Pink  
Time to pretend- MGMT  
Halo- Beyonce  
It's been awhile- Staind  
I am a rock- Simon and Garfunkel  
A hazy shade of winter- Simon and Garfunkel  
Bridge over troubled water- Simon and Garfunkel  
Cecilia- Simon and Garfunkel  
Chasing cars- Snow Patrol  
Love remains the same- Gavin Rossdale  
Can't help falling in love with you- Elvis Presley  
The Change- Garth Brooks  
Shameless- Billy Joel  
Two Step- Dave Matthews Band  
**Bella:**  
She will be loved - Maroon 5  
Could I be you - Matchbox Twenty  
Just like a pill- Pink  
Because of You- Kelly Clarkson  
The Sound of Silence- Simon and Garfunkel  
Push- Matchbox twenty  
Hurt- Christina Aguilera  
If I died in your arms- Devil Doll  
Unwell- Matchbox Twenty  
Calling all angels- Jane Siberry  
Colorblind- Counting Crows  
Don't let me get me- Pink  
Gravedigger- Dave Matthews  
I'm not dead- Pink  
Tell Me-Gordon Howell  
**Bella and Edward:**  
Save my life- Pink  
Bent- Matchbox Twenty  
Hallelujah- Paramore  
Already Gone- Kelly Clarkson  
Time is Running Out- Muse  
I will follow you into the dark- Death Cab for Cutie  
Time after time- Cyndi Lauper  
Dear Joan- Rob Thomas  
Now Comes the Night- Rob Thomas  
At last- Cyndi Lauper cover  
Here with me- Dido  
Nothing Else Maters- Metallica  
When the heartache ends- Rob Thomas  
Need- Hana Pestle  
Back 2 Good- Matchbox Twenty  
Cry- Faith Hill  
Please don't leave me- Pink  
Hurt- Johnny Cash cover  
I shall believe- Sheryl Crow  
**Edward:**  
Sympathy for the Devil- Guns N' Roses cover  
Her Diamonds- Rob Thomas  
Fair- Remy Zero  
Use Somebody- Kings of Leon  
Feel- Robbie Williams  
This Time- Jonathan Rhys Meyers  
Every breath you take- The Police  
Homeward Bound- Simon and Garfunkel  
You give love a bad name- Bon Jovi  
But I will - Faith Hill  
Cannonball- Damien Rice  
Crutch- Matchbox Twenty  
If you're gone- Matchbox Twenty  
In her eyes- Josh Groban  
The Reason- Hoobastank  
**Carlisle**:  
What a good boy- Barenaked Ladies  
Broken Vow- Josh Groban  
Congratulations- Blue October  
Teeth- Lady Gaga  
Sex on Fire- Kings of Leon  
**Esme**:  
Bitch- Meredith Brooks  
And still- Reba McEntire  
The bug- Mary Chapin Carpenter  
Seduces me- Celine Dion  
**Emmett**:  
Click, Click, Click- NKOTB  
I'm a believer- Smash Mouth cover  
Secret- Madonna  
**Jake/Rose**:  
Fighter- Christina Aguilera  
Breakaway- Kelly Clarkson  
Cherry Lips- Garbage  
Don't Cha- The Pussycat Dolls  
**Jazz**:  
Everybody hurts- REM  
Lean on me- Bill Withers  
**Alice**:  
Break Me- Jewel  
Crystal Ball- Pink  
Someday- Rob Thomas  
**Mike**:  
Bad Romance- Lady Gaga  
Jessie's Girl- Rick Springfield  
**Erebos**:  
Love man- Otis Redding


	44. Outtake 3: Chap 20 in CPOV

**Chapter 20: No one touches me**

**A/N: Wrote this on twitter with the Dr C twitter account for his fangirls. Enjoy.**

**Outtake- CPOV**

The old dirt bike still handled pretty well, all things considered. It had been decades since I rode the damn thing. It felt right to be on it tonight.

The kids were all off enjoying prom night. I didn't remember my prom very clearly. I think alcohol and fucking Mary in the woods was involved. Esme was hanging on Charlie's arm that night—hence the booze.

A smug smirk split my lips as I turned onto the main street for town.

_So much for Charlie Swan getting the girl. _

It took too fucking long for this day to come but I wasn't going to dwell on that. I could finally be myself around Esme—finally show her how I felt.

Finally fuck her anywhere and in any way I wanted to.

I parked the bike around back, hoping Esme hadn't seen me.

"Oh, Dr Cullen," Gail said as she exited the station. I hadn't expected to run into her. Esme said she was working the late shift alone tonight.

I gave Gail a shy smile, hoping I wasn't blushing. I drove over here tonight hoping to do a bad, bad thing. Now I felt like I was caught before I could even start. Gail giggled.

_Why did grown women always giggle whenever I smiled at them?_

"I'm heading down to the diner for some grub," she informed me. I just nodded.

_Was it too awkward to admit I was here to see Esme?_

"I don't expect to be back for…oh….least an hour or so," she offered suggestively and threw me a wink as she turned to head down the street.

My turn to practically giggle. You ever get caught by the janitor coming out of his closet with the girl you were just making out with and just shrug at the dude? Yep…that was me tonight.

I wanted to surprise Esme but wasn't sure how. I opened the door as quietly as I could. She wasn't sitting at the desk when I slipped in.

There was a dark side to me that was unleashed lately around this woman. I could feel that taking over as I followed the sounds of her movements.

I caught sight of her in the jail cell at the back of the station. She was bent over to fold a blanket. Esme Swan in jail. I smiled at the thought.

_How fucking perfect would it be to see Esme Swan's bad side? _

I remembered that night at La Push - her audacity to just jump off the cliff without a second thought. The girl was pure trouble back then. And a little slutty when you got right down to it, too.

A wicked plan formed in my head. I only hoped that she was comfortable enough to trust me. I didn't plan on giving her fair warning at the moment.

I really hoped that she wasn't that good at her training. I didn't fancy pepper spray in the eyes tonight.

_Hmm… grab her arms first. That way she can't grab the mace_.

_Be gentle about this, Carlisle. You're not looking to accost the poor woman_.

I'd spent years hanging around Erebos and thanks to that, I knew a thing or two about role playing. This wouldn't be a full out scene but I'd take her as far as she wanted to go.

I let the character take over my thoughts and stepped behind her, relishing the gasp of her breath as my hands slipped around her arms.

I could practically hear her thoughts in that second. She was trying to figure out how to subdue me and take control of the situation.

_Always the good girl, Esme_, I thought. _Always having to be in control_.

I bit the inside of my cheek to keep from moaning at the thought. She was damn good at being in charge, but I'd make her lose control tonight.

She was shaking slightly, scared maybe. Just an adrenaline rush perhaps. I leaned in and drew a slow breath against the fragrant skin of her neck.

She shivered.

_I know you know it's me, baby. You don't realize it but you know it_, I silently assured her.

I could see her pulse race in her neck.

_I knew you'd like this, Esme. Just let me tell you it's me…then you can really enjoy it_.

I ran my nose along her neck and up to her ear, taking a deep breath so she could hear me. Feeling my own pulse race at the raw power I felt in that moment.

There was nothing wound tighter than Esme Swan. The woman was rigid and practically frozen most of the time. That was the perfect challenge for me.

I could see by the way her jaw locked that she was trying to figure out how to wiggle away. And I could tell by the way her chest pushed out that she was liking the hold I had on her at the same time.

Time to have a little fun. "Are you alone, bitch?" I asked in a menacingly low voice. I didn't even recognize it as my own.

The way this woman affected me was like Jekyll and Hyde. And the beast was out now.

_Time to let him have his way with her_.

"Yes."

I smirked at the idea of all the reasons running through her head. I'm sure she had a perfect argument as to why she told me that. Was positive that she thought I gave a fuck if we were alone.

At the moment I didn't give a fuck. I'd take her right now with an audience. I'd waited too many damn years for this woman.

I pulled my hands together in front of her. Putting both of her hands in one of mine. She never struggled. Never tried to turn to see me.

She didn't even take the second's worth of opportunity to pull her hands free.

_See, she knows it's me. She trusts me._

_And she's just as fucking turned on as me to this situation_.

It was wrong. Every good role player knows that terms must be set up front. That both parties need safe words and to know what is going on before the play gets out of hand.

I knew that. I really should have followed that.

But fuck me, I just wanted to squeeze her perfect tit in my hand at that moment.

So I did. My free hand pushed up the front of her shirt and wrapped around her breast and squeezed. She moaned.

And I was fucking lost.

"You _are_ a fucking little slut, aren't you?" I whispered hungrily.

_That's my girl. Give in to it, Esme._

My hand holding hers pressed her body back against me, making my arousal known to her.

She shook more and that rational part of me snapped back into place.

_What the fuck are you doing Carlisle! Let her know it's you!_

My lips curved into my crooked smile.

"Scream for me, baby," I purred in her ear.

_If she didn't know it was me from that…well fuck, I was fooling myself with the pride of that first conquest_.

I saw her body freeze then practically melt as realization dawned at my words. I released her hand and ran mine down her body as I knelt behind her.

Just to make sure she was okay, I kept talking. "Esme?" I asked.

I spread her legs like I was preparing to frisk her like a perp and she naturally leaned forward, her hands slapping the wall to brace herself from falling.

"If this gets to be too much, say red."

It was a basic safe word, easy enough to remember, and it meant stop so it was easy to associate it with ending the scene.

Her breath sped up, and I slowly rose, running my hands up the sides of her body as I did. My hands came to rest over hers on the against the wall.

"Esme, do you understand?" I probed.

She nodded just as my tongue darted out to her ear. I drew her earlobe between my teeth and was rewarded with a desperate moan from her.

_Good. She was safe. She was in control. If at any moment she said that word, I would immediately stop the scene and calm her down_.

That being said…. I slammed my hands over hers suddenly, a thrill shooting through me at the way her body jumped, trapped between my body and the wall.

"I've always wanted to see the cop get screwed for once," I said. She smiled.

_Yeah…I can talk dirty all night long, babe_.

"What do you say, Chief?" I asked to distract her just as my right hand grabbed her crotch. She gasped - already feeling hot and wet through her work pants.

"My…my…deputy..." she stammered.

_So she really wants to play, does she?_

I smiled, slipping further into my own character.

"Told me to have a nice night. That she was okay with going home and left me her keys on her way out."

For added effect, I dropped the keys from her belt ring on the floor. She was so far gone I was pretty sure she didn't even realize they were hers.

"So tell me, Chief Swan…" I whispered. My hands found the buttons at the front of her shirt and pulled. The fabric tore apart in the most viciously alluring way.

"Do you like being a prisoner?"

I took full advantage of her exposed chest. Massaging her breasts with both of my hands. She wiggled and squirmed under my touch.

At one point she thrust her ass back against me. I hissed as she hit my erection—slapping her breast in punishment.

The near primal groan torn from her at that made my head swim in lust.

_Fuck, I love this woman._

Her fingers clawed at the brick wall. She was aching to touch me, her entire body begging for me to let her turn around and touch me.

"Carlisle!" she moaned.

_Sorry baby, this is my show right now. You'll thank me in the end. I'll teach you patience sooner or later_.

"Have you been a bad girl, Chief Swan?"

She didn't respond immediately, probably just cursing me for not just fucking her already.

"Answer me, bitch!" I commanded. I turned her abruptly and tossed her down to the cot, always keeping her safety in mind, but I couldn't give a fuck about delicacy.

I would make love to her softly next time. Undress her slowly and lick and suck every inch of her body. For right now, I only had a handful of minutes before Gail was going to come waltzing back into the station. I had to be fast.

Hard and fast. I was sure she wouldn't mind.

She was lying on her back, looking up at me with hooded eyes, her lips half open with lusty pants of breath, and her chest rising and falling seductively beneath me.

I straddled her hips and gave her a smile filled with all my wicked thoughts.

I watched her throat bob as she swallowed back another moan and I drew her hands above her head.

_We're in a fucking jail cell. What better place to use cuffs?_ I mused silently to myself.

I made a quick scan of her body with my eyes.

_Fuck, I could eat this woman whole right here and now_.

I reached into my pocket and pulled out the cuffs, winking at her questioning glance and secured her to the cot.

She looked up to see that she was indeed handcuffed to the cot. To put her at ease and break the tension of the moment, I teased her.

Bringing my finger to my lips I smirked and shushed her.

"I'm a bad boy, too," I promised.

"Fuck," she moaned. I couldn't help but chuckle. I didn't know what Charlie was like in bed, but I could guarantee that I was the only one who ever did this shit with Esme.

"Soon enough," I teased and leaned down to kiss her. I could see the slight hint of worry in her eyes. She was all but ready to call 'red' with the cuffs.

I kissed her passionately- wet and deep and hot as fuck. I guessed she'd lose that inhibition quickly, and then she melted against me without so much as mentioning her hands.

I stripped us rapidly, every now and then returning my lips to hers to keep her excited.

Her eyes were closed and she was panting, her body squirming as I made short work of our clothes.

_Thank fuck the woman loves front clasping bras. _It was problematic to have her handcuffed but I only needed her chest exposed. It was sexier to see her half clothed anyway. Her pants and underwear, however, those were ditched on to the floor in seconds.

She was a goddess handcuffed to that bed, her body totally at my mercy.

I was on fire with the power that she gave me, knowing that she trusted me that much. That she wanted me enough to give herself to me like that. I feasted on her body with my lips, tongue and teeth, loving every whimper, every pant and every groan that my touch elicited from her.

I gave her no warning before I wrapped her legs around me and thrust deep and hard into her. She screamed and writhed, our breaths and movements matching instantly.

We were a grunting mass of sweat and thrusts in no time, but it wasn't enough. With Esme, it would never be enough.

I unlocked the cuffs and turned us so that she was straddling me from above.

"Ride me!" I commanded. She did it without question. The sensations in my body were overwhelming.

"Esme…Esme…" I panted over and over. My hands secured her hips so that she would not lose her balance and fall off.

I ached to touch her. Had to touch her… _please…Esme…please!_

Like she could read my mind, her hands slip up her body and her breasts. She squeezed her hands as mine would have done.

We screamed and climaxed in unison.

She collapsed onto my chest - both of us spent and panting.

"We have to stop meeting like this."


	45. Fandoms Fight the Floods

Attention all Bookends readers we need your help!

From the Fandoms fight the floods home page: (fandomdsfightthefloods dot blogspot dot com)

"A group of caring and determined Aussie's are working hard to raise funds for the victims of the devastating floods that have ravaged Queensland in recent weeks. To help them in their efforts, donate at least $5 to the QLD Government Appeal, forward your receipt to fandomsfightthefloods g mail dot com, and you will receive a compliation of stories and oneshots from your favourite fic authors across the following fandoms: Twilight, Southern Vampire Mysteries (Sookie Stackhouse), The Vampire Diaries, Vampire Academy, Harry Potter, The Mortal Instruments, and more - including original pieces.

You can also contribute to the cause by donating a story/one-shot to be added to the compilation. The maximum word limit for submissions is 10,000 words and all submissions must be received by 11:59pm AEST/GMT+10 on Sunday February 20th, 2011. To register as an author, head on over to the Author Registration page and submit your information in the registration form. Once you register, an email will be sent out to you within 24 hours containing more details about your submission.

The story compilation will be ready for distribution on Tuesday March 1st, 2011. Donation confirmation emails will still be accepted after this date in return for a copy of the compilation.

Any questions/queries about the appeal, author registration, or donations can be directed to our email address – fandomsfighthefloods g mail dot com. and one of our lovely organisers will respond as soon as they can."

I've signed up to be one of the nearly 200 authors contributing to this compilation. If you enjoyed Bookends and would like to see more of Edward as a daddy, please go to these sites and donate. Every dollar counts so please help!

Thank you!

Bella's Executioner


	46. FFF Outtake: Living the Dream

**Fandom: Twilight**

**Fic: Bookends**

**Author: Bella's Executioner**

**A/N: This outtake was written for the Fandoms Fight the Floods compilation to help raise money for the relief efforts for those affected by the floods in Queensland, Australia earlier this year. ****The comp has already been sent out and $16,530 was raised! I just wanted to thank everyone who donated their time, money and energy to support this effort. If you didn't have a chance to donate before you still can. I've posted the link to FFF blog on my profile. You won't receive a copy of the compilation but you will be helping those who have faced hardship this past year due to this tragedy.**

**This outtake is rated M due to language. If you've read the fic Bookends you know that the story is about heartache, pain and lo****ss. But it is also about love, life and finding the strength to deal with the tragedies that life throws at you. Thank you for your help in supporting those in need. And please enjoy a more happy moment in the lives of the Bookends characters.**

**Thanks as always to TwilightMomofTwo for being my awesome beta and a wonderful friend. Seriously, I wouldn't still be writing without her encouragement. Check out her work on her profile some time, and tell her Qute sent you. **

**Bookends outtake: Living the dream**

**EPOV (Forks, 2022)**

I was having the best fucking dream.

Bella and me…on a beach…my tongue down her throat…

"Edward," she moaned as she clutched at my shoulders, shaking my body with her need. All I could do was fucking grunt in response. I could hear the lap of the waves and distant whine of the seagulls.

It was fucking heaven.

We didn't get much alone time anymore. Ever since the twins were born, it was like finding the motherfucking Holy Grail to find some time to just be alone with my wife.

Don't get me wrong. We found time to fuck. They didn't invent baby monitors and child locks on doors for nothing. But to be with my girl…on the beach…warm sun on my back...her hot, wet body under me…

"Edward!" Bella moaned louder, her fingers digging into my shoulder.

"You like it like that, baby?" I asked, feeling my body go hard all over as she called out.

"Hell no! Wake up, for crying out loud!" she yelled in my ear.

My eyes snapped open to a dark room. The sand and sun were gone, replaced with sheets and the red glowing numbers on my clock- three a.m. The seagulls and waves were transformed back into the distinct screaming wail of our youngest over the baby monitor, combined with the interference static from the signal of the monitor from his brother and sister's room.

I rolled on to my back, grunting a sigh. It was a damn good thing neither of us had jobs that required us to get up and go to an office first thing in the morning. If we did, we'd turn into those people with twitching eyelids who you just knew were going to snap one of these days.

I blinked over and over as if it would help rid my vision of the fucking blindness of night. Riley, our never-satisfied-to-just-sleep-through-the-fucking-night one year old, seemed to just know that I was awake—he screamed louder from his room.

"Fuck," I groaned. "He's going to wake up Em and Will. And they'll want to crawl in bed with us because it's dark and there are monsters in the closet. Thanks again for that one, _Uncle Jazz_…And it's Friday so they have to get up for school in four hours," I grumbled as Riley screamed in continued frustration. "I swear to fuck he makes a case for child earplugs."

"Adult ones, too," Bella mumbled sleepily.

I leaned over and turned on the lamp that sat next to the clock on my nightstand. Looking back over my shoulder at my wife I couldn't help the stupid grin that split my face.

"What?" Bella asked disgruntled and fucking adorable. Her hair was piled on top of her head and sticking out in all directions. She was wearing my Simon and Garfunkel wedding T-shirt and I could tell that her boobs were bigger tonight than they were the other day when she last let me touch them.

I smirked and leaned down to gently kiss her lips. I laid my hand on her barely bumped tummy, wondering if I could sneak a breast feel without her locking me out of the bedroom.

"Just love these quiet moments alone with you," I teased.

Our son emptied his lungs once more and Bella frowned up at me like I was a deaf idiot. Clearly I had to be a moron if I thought right here, right now was a quiet moment with her, but I considered every minute I had with this woman to be the most amazing gift. So, call me sappy but I couldn't have been fucking happier.

Bella cocked her brow at me when I kept on staring down at her like we had all the time in the world to just lie there together. I couldn't help it. She was so fucking beautiful.

She was almost four months pregnant with our fourth kid, still trying to get over a year of no sleep thanks to child number three and completely exhausted from the never-ending day of question and answer sessions that came with having twin five year olds. She had every right to haul off and punch me in the face in that moment. After all, I was the dude who kept knocking her up.

I chuckled as I remembered that she actually did punch me when she found out she was pregnant again only eight months after Riley was born. It was a moment of shock. She told me it was all my fault for being "too damn sexy for my own good".

What can I say? We weren't really good at the keeping our hands off of each other thing. When your wife tells you "shut up, the kids are all napping and I want your pants off now," you don't really think with that rational part of your fucking brain...hell, you don't think with your brain at all. Eventually she got over the shock and we were both excited to welcome another little Cullen spawn into this world.

Much to my relief, Bella didn't get angry with me in that peaceful little moment that we shared. She may have thought I was nuts but she just rolled her eyes and put her hands flat against the mattress.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" I asked as she started rocking, to get out of bed. I was a little pissed that she was making any effort to get up in her condition at three in the morning. Unless she had to pee there was no need for her to lose any sleep.

"I'm going to check on Riley."

I growled and put my hand on her shoulder to force her to lie back down.

"I'll go check on him," I assured her. It wasn't like we weren't used to playing tag team at night with him anyway.

"Are you sure?" she asked, her mouth gaping wide with a sudden yawn.

I chuckled and kissed her forehead before getting out of bed. "I'm sure."

She was out before I reached the door. I could hear her snoring as I stepped out into the hallway. I stopped by the twins' room on the way to the now sniffling youngest Cullen. Peeking in, I noticed that Will had snuck out of his bed to sleep next to his sister. I didn't get why he did that. Bella thought it was cute. I continuously asked Em if it was annoying. She would just smile and assure me that she didn't mind it.

I smiled and closed the door before they sensed me in there and woke up.

Mr. McMoody was standing up in his crib when I got to his room.

"Muma," he whimpered.

"Sorry kiddo, I know she's way prettier and probably a lot more fun to be around, but it's just plain old Dad this morning."

At the sound of my voice he stomped his feet in excitement. I couldn't hope to be some big tough guy when I melted at the sight of his tiny hands reaching out for me to pick him up.

"Fuke!" he yelled.

"Shh don't let your mom hear you say that," I warned.

For fuck's sake, you say 'fuck' around a kid once and they think it's your name. At least that's how it went with this kid. Riley had learned to call Bella _Muma_, William _Bubba_ and Emily _Emmy_. But me? He called me _Fuke_.

I put my hands on the railing of his crib, bringing my eyes leveled with his. "You're gonna be the junior me, aren't you?" I prophesied.

As if the challenge was better than candy, he smiled up at me. With a crooked little baby smirk.

_Fucking Cullen blood_.

"Okay, little man, what's up?" I asked, picking him up. I didn't have to guess once he was closer to my nose.

"Holy…" His bright green eyes watched me, waiting for a new curse word to add to his one-year-old vocabulary. "_Shin splints_…You stink."

He gave me that smirk again and I held my breath as I changed his diaper.

It was amazing how fast one got over the whole someone-else's-shit-is-too-disgusting-to-handle thing after having a kid. It was still fucking gross. There were times I was dry heaving while cleaning up my kids. But I wasn't one of those dads who refused to take part in changing diapers. These kids were mine. My girl and I created them together. I wanted to spend every minute with them that I could and took my responsibility to provide for them, take care of them and raise them very seriously.

So shitty diapers at three a.m. it was.

There was a trick to changing the diaper of a Cullen boy. My daughter had been easy. Hell, Em was all about helping you make the experience painless for both you and her. She even held the materials for you until you needed them. But the boys…they were a whole different story.

William had been the trial run, which was good because he was less squirrelly than his brother. After the third time Will had shot me in the forehead with a yellow stream I visited Carlisle for some advice. It was a long shot to think Jake had been anything like my boy when he was a baby, but Cullen blood was Cullen blood.

Like some Yoda of urine avoidance, Carlisle had actually been very helpful. "Always remember to cover it up immediately," he warned. "And distract him with anything you can so he…keeps his hands off of it."

I handed Riley a stuffed car as I went about cleaning him up.

"Vroom, vroom," he said, swinging the car in the air.

I laughed. "Are you driving Mommy's Volvo or Daddy's Vanquish?"

"Cankish!" he squealed.

The kid had good taste in cars. "Ah, so you like Daddy's car… Daddy…" I pointed to myself, reminding him what my proper name was.

"Fuke!" he repeated, pointing at me.

I shrugged. _So maybe we'll have to homeschool this one_.

"Okay, are we thinking about sleeping this morning?"

Riley shook his head and kept swinging the car. I picked him up with a sigh.

"Didn't think so."

I decided staying on the second floor was asking to wake the twins up and probably wouldn't help Bella get any sleep. So I carried my tenacious insomniac downstairs. I sat down at the piano bench, because I loved sitting there with my kids. Each of them had sat in my lap as I played and had been thrilled to stay there for hours for lessons.

It was still too early to actually press the keys, but it was always calming for me to sit on that bench.

"Ging," Riley commanded, tapping his little hand to my chest.

I smiled. He might be the junior me, but he had a lot of his mom in him, too. I cradled him against my chest and hummed his mom's lullaby, rocking us back and forth. He never fell asleep but he did sit still with his ear pressed to my chest, at some points even humming along with me. We sat there like that, for hours, watching the sun come up together.

Em was the first one to come downstairs.

"Morning, Daddy," she said, coming over to the piano and standing on tiptoes to give me a kiss.

"Morning, baby girl." I leaned down and kissed her, rubbing my nose against hers until she giggled.

"You're silly, Daddy," she laughed. The sound of her laughter made my heart burst with joy. I don't think there was a sweeter sound in the world than my little girl's laugh.

Her brother came bounding down the stairs next. Where Em was quiet and sweet, Will was noisy and reckless. The boy didn't have a single cautious bone in his body. He jumped over the last two steps as he ran.

"William!" Bella yelled from the top of the staircase. "What have I told you about jumping down the stairs?"

"Don't do it while Mom's looking!" he yelled back in response.

"No, son, that's what _I _told you about jumping down the stairs," I reminded him. My wife was not amused as she reached the first floor. Will came over to give me a high five before running into the kitchen.

Bella, though she had a stern look on her face, walked over to give me a sweet kiss on the lips.

"Thank you for the sleep," she whispered.

I smiled and gave her a wink. "Anytime, baby," I whispered back.

Our morning make-out was interrupted by momma's boy in my lap.

"Mum, mum, mum," Riley started chanting.

"Morning, sweetie," Bella said, beaming down at our youngest.

She was so fucking beautiful when she smiled…scratch that. She was just fucking beautiful, period.

"Dad! We're out of Cap n' Crunch again!" Will shouted as if I had committed the worst crime thinkable by not keeping his beloved cereal in stock constantly.

"That's because I'm making pancakes, son," I announced spontaneously.

"You are?" Bella asked amazed. I nodded, smacking her ass as I stood up and headed into the kitchen.

"Edward!" she chided.

"Fuke!" Riley yelled.

I laughed as I heard Bella gasp when she realized what he'd called me.

"Family vote," I said to the kitchen at large. Em and Will were getting silverware to put on the table while Bella strapped Riley into his highchair.

"Chocolate, banana or cinnamon?"

"Chocolate," Will and Bella shouted.

"I want banana, Daddy!" Em yelled.

"I'm siding with the girl," I told Bella and Will. They frowned while Em hopped down to run over and give me a high five.

"That's split fifty-fifty," Bella pointed out.

I turned to Riley. "Chocolate or banana, son?"

"Fuke!" he yelled.

"Banana it is," I announced and started collecting the ingredients.

"How do you figure that?" Bella asked, walking over to the fridge to help me.

"He waved his vote to me. Let me have the final say," I explained with a big grin.

Bella laughed, shaking her head and kissing my cheek.

"I love you, Edward."

I tried to not look like a complete goof as I made pancakes for my family. It was hard. I never really believed I would find myself here one day. This was a million miles away from the life I lived as a kid. It was a total one-eighty from the way Bella grew up. To get to spend the rest of my life with her was a prize I still couldn't get over. But to have all of this…

Em and Will recited poems that they were learning in class. Riley tried to mimic the words he heard his siblings shouting. And Bella was putting Em's hair up in pigtails, while occasionally glancing over at me.

Our eyes locked and we both smiled.

Life was fucking perfect.

Twenty minutes later we were finished eating and Bella was asking Emily how it was that she had banana's in her hair.

"I was giving Riley a hug," Em started to explain. That was more than enough information. The boy was like Pigpen.

"Why don't you go get your backpacks while mom cleans up your sister's hair," I told Will.

"Okay, Dad!" he shouted and took off like a rocket toward the stairs.

"Don't run up the stairs!" Bella yelled as the distinct sound of feet running upstairs traveled to the kitchen. "That boy," she groaned in frustration.

"We'll get him into sports, that will help him focus the energy," I assured her.

"So, what time is the appointment today?" I asked, clearing the plates and loading the dishwasher.

"Um…eleven, I think. The note's on the fridge." She nodded toward the pink note that said _ultrasound _on it.

"Yep, eleven. Do they let kids sit in on those?"

Bella blinked up at me with confusion on her face.

"Why?"

I looked at Riley and then back at her. The twins would be in school until two but Riley would be with us during the time of her appointment.

"Because one year olds don't go to kindergarten," I teased.

Bella rolled her eyes. "Oh…Well…I was thinking maybe Alice could come over and…" Bella started to explain while she tried to pull as much banana from Em's hair as she could. Apparently little guy put more in his sister's hair than in his mouth.

"There's no need for Alice to f…" I bit my tongue as Bella glared at me over our kids' heads. "_Frying_ come over and watch him. I can _frying_ watch him in the waiting room."

Censoring my language with three little ones in the house was the hardest aspect of my life. I could change a shitty diaper. I could even bake up banana pancakes after getting no sleep thanks to humming to Riley all night. But I couldn't stop saying the word 'fuck'.

"Fuke!" Riley yelled as if he could read my mind. I rolled my eyes as Bella glared at me again.

"Edward... that's sweet but, completely unnecessary. Riley will be fine," she promised.

I hated having other people watch my kids. I didn't mind the kids visiting family members. Or family members coming over to hang out with the kids while Bella and I attempted to go on a date. But I loathed the idea of leaving my kids too often.

I was left alone too often as a kid. I knew what that kind of shit did to your trust in your parents. Of course, Bella and I weren't junkies or whores so…comparing us to Tanya was pointless.

"You don't think I can handle it?" I asked quietly, not even trying to hide the hurt in my eyes.

Bella sighed, telling Em that was as good as it was going to get and walking over to wash her hands before putting them on my forearms.

"Of course you can handle it, sweetheart. You can handle anything. And," she ran her fingers through my hair, her eyes twinkling with pride as she looked at me. "You're the best dang daddy around."

I smiled, feeling my ears turn pink at her words.

"I try."

She kissed my cheek. "You succeed, baby. It's just…I was kind of hoping you could sit in the room with me during the test."

"Hmm," I pouted. She had a point. "Okay, call Alice," I conceded. "I'll drop the kids off at school."

"Okay, see you soon." She rose up on her toes to kiss me on the lips before grabbing the phone.

"See ya in a bit, Junior," I told Riley, kissing his forehead before calling for the twins to get in the car.

Bella yelled at William as he ran down the stairs. I just laughed.

We took the minivan to school. There was a part of me that still cringed at the thought of owning a minivan. But three car seats wouldn't fit in either of our other vehicles. And now with the addition of Cullen number four we definitely needed as much space as we could get with our ride.

I put on my _Slippery When Wet _CD once everyone was strapped in. Just because I drove a minivan didn't mean I wasn't cool. The kids sang along, off key and in total abandon.

"Living on a dare!" William sang in such sincerity that I couldn't help but laugh.

I loved moments like this. When I could enjoy the little things with my kids. They were happy. And that made me happy. Their biggest problems in life were running out of Cap n' Crunch and singing the wrong lyrics to songs. They weren't afraid of anything but make-believe monsters in their closet. I wanted to bottle this moment up. Keep them this innocent and carefree as they were right now.

But I knew that wouldn't help them once they grew up. There was bad shit out in the world that I knew they needed to be exposed to. Not to be encouraged to join, like their mom and I had, but so that they could make the best choices for their lives.

I wanted my daughter to never lose her sweet smile, and for my sons to still be spirited when they reached my age. I also wanted to shield them from pain but knew that pain was just life. So it was up to Bella and me to teach them how to handle whatever life threw at them. And to never stop reminding them that no matter what, we were always going to be there for them. Good or bad, we had their backs. Always.

The parking lot was busy when I pulled up to the school. Forks Elementary was a foreign land to me. Now, the high school I was pretty familiar with, even if I spent most of my time ditching out of class when I was enrolled there, but the elementary school was a whole other world. I always felt like a giant walking around the campus. The playground equipment was shorter than I was. The tables were lowered down below my knees and the chairs were only big enough for one adult buttcheek. But then again, it was all just the right size for the student population, which was made up of kids all half my height at best.

There were groups of parents standing around the parking lot, bullshitting together about life in Forks. It was sometimes weird as hell to realize that the grownups were the guys I went to high school with only a decade before. Thinking of them as "adults" meant I had to accept that I was one, too. Straightening my daughter's pigtails after she jumped out of the car was proof that I probably was a tad more grown up now than I was back in high school.

"Have a good day, bud," I told my son as we exchanged our intricate secret handshake at the door to their classroom.

"See ya, Dad!" he said, heading inside. Running. I chuckled. Bella would be shouting her ass off at the boy right now.

"See you later, Daddy," Em said, reaching up to give me a hug.

"Have a good day, baby girl," I told her, bending down and rubbing my nose against her neck until she giggled. She joined her brother in the classroom.

I couldn't believe how grown up theywere. It was like they aged over night. And pretty soon I'd be dropping Riley off here…and the new one, whatever it was going to be; baby number four would be coming here, too.

_Where did the time go?_

"You have such good kids, Edward," a kind female voice informed me, pulling me from my oh-my-god-my-kids-are-practically-in-college moment.

"Thank you," I said, turning to the voice and finding the owner to be the kids' teacher - Mrs. Newton.

Now, when I was a kid Mrs. Newton was the lady who owned the hardware shop across the street. That was a different person, though. This was Mike's wife, Jessica. Bella claims we met her years ago, at one of Alice's fashion shows. I couldn't fucking remember it but that didn't matter, she was nice…and she could put up with the moron so she was probably patient.

"We'll see you at the end of the day," she said in her most kindergarten teacher voice.

I just smile and nodded. My heart squeezed again at the thought that the kids were that much closer to finishing kindergarten. Pretty soon they'd be getting their announcements ready for high school graduation.

I headed back to the car, waving when I caught sight of my nephew heading to his class. Marcus waved with a huge grin on his face. It was amazing how much he looked like Emmett. I knew he was adopted, but damn…they couldn't have picked a better match for Em and Rose in the whole world.

I frowned at that thought. I knew Jazz and Alice were wonderful parents and that Marcus loved them dearly. And it made me fucking proud to see my little brother raising a kid and living a full happy life. But it would have been awesome to see Em and Rose raise him. Fuck, it would have been awesome to just see Em and Rose again.

I tried to not dwell on the depressing memories as I drove home. I couldn't help it, though. In a moment of pure contentment, I somehow always ended up feeling a little guilty that not everything in this world worked out the way it should.

Bella and I were going to the doctor today to find out what our next child would be and yet we never knew what our first child had been. No matter how much joy we had in our lives with our kids, we both carried a sadness with us that we were denied our first child. The time wasn't right. We were just kids ourselves… yadda yadda. That was just the shit we told each other in the dark to stop the tears. The truth was it hurt. It wasn't fair. And no matter how hard we worked at making our lives happy now, we would never just move on and forget our first baby.

I pulled into the driveway at home, a little shocked to see Jazz's truck parked by the garage. Alice didn't like driving the truck. She would have insisted on driving her birthday present that I gave her last year. I laughed when I remembered her shocked look when she opened the box with the Porsche key inside.

I loved getting the upper hand with Alice. She was impossible to surprise.

"Bella, I'm home," I called from the entry.

"Fuke!" Riley yelled from upstairs.

"Stop calling him that!" I heard Bella mumble as she headed downstairs.

"Hey, baby," I said when she reached me. She smiled and kissed me. "Why's Jazz's truck out front? Something happen to the banana?"

Bella laughed. I asked Alice what color she wanted her car to be and she told me bright yellow. Will and Em wanted to know why a banana was delivered from the car dealership a week later. The nickname stuck.

"No. Alice had a class scheduled for the center at Push today. She couldn't baby sit," Bella explained.

"So who's gonna watch Riley?" I asked.

"Isn't that the obvious part, bro?" Jazz asked from the kitchen.

I gave my wife a puzzled look, whispering, "Are you sure he's qualified?"

Bella nodded her head and handed me her coat to help her put it on. "Yes, he comes with wonderful references. He learned all he knows about being a dad from his big brother. And that guy," she said, turning to kiss the tip of my nose. "I trust with my very soul."

I snorted sarcastically and rolled my eyes.

"You sure you can handle him?" I teased as my little brother joined us by the door.

Jazz smiled. He had the baby monitor clipped to his belt and a cheesy grin on his face. "Oh, don't you worry about me. I once knew a kid just like him."

I shared a knowing look with my brother.

"Thanks again, Jazz," Bella said, giving him a kiss on the cheek as we left.

"Remember to keep his hands busy," I warned him as I followed my wife out the door.

"What do you mean?" Jazz yelled. I just chuckled and joined Bella in the Volvo. Jazz didn't have much experience with babies. Marcus was out of diapers when they adopted him.

This was going to be fun.

"You're mean," Bella teased, hitting my arm playfully as I put the car in gear. We were going the hospital in Port Angeles, so she settled back for the hour drive from Forks.

"So funny how many things change and how many stay the same." Her voice was quiet and her eyes were a million miles away when I turned to look at her as she spoke.

"It seems like just yesterday that Jazz was the one driving me to Victoria for a check up." Her face fell when she realized what she had just said.

"Sorry," she quickly offered, with wide eyes at me.

I gave her a gentle smile and shook my head, putting my hand on her leg to reassure her. "I was just thinking about her this morning, too," I admitted.

Sometimes it struck me to the bone to realize how much alike our thoughts were. We spent quite a few years thinking we were living on different planets where our thoughts were concerned. And all this time we were actually more identical than different.

Bella laced her fingers through mine on her lap and smiled. "What do you think this one will be?" She quirked an eyebrow at me.

I shrugged. "Hmm…I'm putting my money down on it being a baby."

Bella smacked my arm again. "Ha, ha, you're so funny, Edward," she said, sarcasm dripping from her lips.

I laughed. "What do you want? Triplets?" I teased.

Bella paled at the thought. Finding out we were having twins was shock enough. Even I had paced in panic when we were waiting to find out if Riley was a multiple or not. It would serve us right to end up with three more kids.

"I know what it will be, baby," I promised.

Bella clutched my hand in hers, casting me a weary glance. "What?"

"Loved."

I helped Bella get out of her clothes and into the hospital gown. I'll admit it I thought I was smooth, squeezing her tits as I slid the gown over her. The glare she shot me told me that would be the last time I'd get to touch them for at least a week.

_It was totally worth it._

"Good morning, Mr. and Mrs. Cullen," the young nurse said, entering the room. "Are you ready to meet your little one?"

We both nodded and smiled. I clutched Bella's hand tightly in mine. She squeezed my hand in support.

The nurse went over Bella's health. How she was feeling, and explaining what we should expect from the test today. We'd been through it all before, but I still spent the whole time practically holding my breath.

I didn't remember much of the appointment. Once the heart monitor started echoing in the room and the image of my baby was on the screen, that sound was all I heard. Bella would squeeze my hand and I would look at her and smile. A stupid awestruck look was on my face.

"Now, what was it?" I asked stupidly as we got back into the car.

Bella laughed. "A boy. A little distracted, were you?" she joked.

I nodded. "Yeah."

She held up the picture and pointed at whatever the hell it was that indicated it was a boy.

"How the fuck can you see anything but swirls and lines?" I asked honestly.

"I can't," she said turning it sideways. "But that's how she pointed to it on the screen…I think."

We laughed.

"Another boy?" I asked.

Bella rolled her eyes. "Oh lord, our poor daughter."

"Ah, Em can hold her own. You'll see," I promised.

Bella beamed up at me, pride fucking radiating off her.

"What?"

She shook her head, holding my hand and turning to watch the trees fly by as we drove home.

"I just enjoy spending these quiet moments with you, Edward."

Later that night, Jazz thanked and off on his way home, the twins asleep in their beds, even Riley curled up in his crib, I lay awake in our bed thinking about that image on the screen. I couldn't take it for granted. Sure, people had babies all of the time. Hell, this was our fourth. It was still an awesome miracle to see. And I couldn't just go on with life as usual after seeing it again.

All these years. All that pain. And here we were. Happy. Healthy. Together. I smiled with tears filling my eyes. If I could go back in time and find the ten year old me I wondered what he'd say if I showed him a glimpse into right now. If he'd find hope in it or if he'd laugh at the absurdity that it was possible. Laugh. He'd definitely laugh his ass off. People didn't live happy lives. Dads weren't loving and safe. Moms weren't concerned if you jumped down the stairs so long as CPS wasn't called out to the house. There wasn't such a thing as a cupboard that had cereal in it instead of a bottle of Jack. And there was no way kids could sleep through the night without fearing they'd wake up hearing their mom being beat.

This was a dream.

And at long last I was able to find it, and stay in it. I had no plans of ever waking up from this one.

I felt the bed shift as Bella got up. I heard the delicate padding of her feet against the floor as she went to stand in front of the window. She did that a lot, almost every night. It didn't scare me, or even bother me really. I always gave her a second to look out at the world-reflect on that shit in her head like I was doing right now. It was part of what kept you sane, reminding yourself how crazy you've been.

I drew in a long breath and counted to ten. Then I silently got out of bed and made my way over to her. My wife. My love. My Bella.

It was raining, and I could hear the water hitting the deck by the lake in our backyard. Bella sighed. There was no need for words. I stepped behind her, sliding my arms around her growing waist and rested my hands on her stomach. I kissed her hair and tucked her head under my chin while we stood there.

Looking outside of our dream, seeing the world as a different place than we once knew it to be.

We watched the night pass by with our eyes wide open.

Together.

Forever.

**A/N: I hope you enjoyed a look into Edward and Bella's future. For those of you interested I also submitted a one shot to the Fandoms Fight the Tsunami compilation. The link to that blog is also on my profile. That one shot will be posted to my FFn profile in a few months. I'm also working on a new story that I hope to start posting soon. Thank you for your continued support with my work and I hope to hear from you to see how you enjoyed this outtake. **

**xoxo Qute**


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